Friday, July 28, 2006

My Thea

ohhhh....

Thea posted in her Friendster blog how she had a dream (more like a nightmare) about me dying in a plane crash... : (

what could it mean?

... and it's strange how i also dreamt last night, while in my Iloilo Punta Villa hotel room, of the ex's taking my car while i was away...

: ( : ( : (

Through the Glass Wall

now, i know, i can handle an audience of 1700 teen-agers fine. : )

it was grand.

thank You, God! thank You, Holy Spirit! thank you, Universe!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

1700 (!)

it is only 501 am here but i am suddenly starting to hyperventilate.

i am about to speak to a congress of young student leaders in Iloilo City today on media literacy and an introduction to peace journalism. rough initial estimates given previously were that the delegates, composed of mostly 12- to 14-year old students, numbered around 800.

i just opened my cellphone now to get a message from my colleague that as of last night, confirmed attendance is 1700!

***

how do you speak to a throng of 12- to 14-year-olds, in the unholy siesta hours of 1-3pm today, on a very significant topic, and who number 1700, all at one time????!!!!

***

oh my God, i need not only all my knowledge, public speaking skills, and wits about me today, but your Divine Grace, Guidance and Protection, to be able to pull this whole thing off successfully!!!

by successful, i mean--

1. a quiet and attentive audience
2. their eager and thoughtful participation in the questionning and discussion and workshop portions
3. and their getting the essence of the presentation-- which is how leaders need to be themselves self-aware, literate and empowered in allowing how media influences their minds, their thinking, their decisions, their attitudes, their behaviors, and those whom they are tasked to lead.

oh, God, help!!!

Holy Spirit, be with us today, especially at that crucial time between 1-3pm.

***

was this how Jesus must have felt too, when he saw the crowd, gathered to hear what he had to say?

oh, God, help us all!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

life is rich

the kids (including their cousin Redd) and i just finished washing the car, after a series of little debates on who gets to pour the car shampoo and wax into the pail of water, who gets to sponge this part and who gets to sponge that part, who gets to wipe with the special chamois cloth, who gets to brush the rugs, and even who gets to wipe the vinyl interiors with Armor All, amidst lots of splashing and hosing each other down. : )

as thea and i were temporarily left on our own working on the car because the three little ones ran back inside to eat and watch tv for a break, thea asked me to watch the vcd she borrowed and already watched this morning, Chocolat, again with her tonight. i asked her why, does she think i'd like it? she grinned and said, "the main female character reminded me of you, ma."

i glowed inside and smiled in the dark while i asked, "why is that so?"

thea said, "this lady, she's the only one in their smallminded village who doesn't have any guilt about eating chocolate!" : )

and we both knew she meant more than chocolate. ; >

*****

i am reminded now of the vision of paolo yesterday morning. it was the last schoolday of the week, but when i woke paolo up along with his sisters, he asked to be absent as he was feeling tired. no problem.

so i took the two girls to school.

as i only had one exam at 930am yet, i went back home after bringing the girls to school.

i found paolo in the bedroom, jumping on the bed, then rolling on it, hugging his pillows, then standing up again and jumping and spreading his arms wide, yelling, "woooooooooo, life is rich!!!"

i was brushing my hair by the dresser and i smiled at his unbridled joy, while i asked him why he said that.

"Manang (his older sister) isn't here to boss me around, Bea isn't here to whine, I can play with the computers and the Playstation and the pets all I like, eat and drink all I like, and I'm with you!!!"

awwwwwwww!!! that's my boy. : )

*****

life is rich, indeed. : ) : ) : )

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Remember Who You Are

i just got this from a free Silva Ultramind newsletter i subscribe to, and i felt warmed by the serendipity; just in time when ive been feeling beseiged the other day (yesterday was magical though; but i will post about that separately) and i almost forgot what it's all, what i am, about--

The Little Soul and The Sun

Friday, July 14, 2006

riding the waves

it's been a long day, and im exhausted and spent, but i am also proud of my self.

it was bad enough that paolo and i were woken up at midnight last night by a large SLAM! we thought it was the maid accidentally slamming one door harder than usual as she locked the doors; we found out it was the water tank, which had imploded from the underground pressure.. : (

i quickly computed how much that would mean to replace it, and started feeling down, but i resolved to my self that id sleep it off for the night and think about it in the morning. i also tried to look at the bright side-- at least it imploded, not exploded; and it happened when we were all safely inside the house, and not when somebody was outside doing laundry or washing near where the water tank is.

early morning, i woke up at 630am already, when id usually wake up at 4am, feeling groggy and disturbed. i dreamt a very sexual dream, where an old younger lover was nuzzling my neck in a tender way and just embracing me, but i felt the fever in the dream, and woke up feeling very hot and feverish.. and quite disoriented.

i had to push my self to rise and wake the kids up and bring them to school, in 30 minutes. at the same time, my mind was zooming again, multitasking, multithinking, even as i instructed the maid to get one of the male guards of our subdivision whom we usually call for repairs, and ask him to bring us water using his bike and sidecar. when the guy came, we asked him if he knew anybody who could fix our water problem, and thankfully , he said that he has a cousin who runs a plumbing business.

i brought the kids to school and rushed back home, on the way withdrawing the last of my peso savings, in anticipation of the huge cash outlay for the water system repair. when i got home, i changed into business clothes even as i waited for the plumbers, and did business emails and prepared the files for the business errands i had to do this morning before 9am, when i also had to attend an entrepreneurship and exporting seminar for the family business.

soon enough, the plumbers came. they checked out the repair job to be done and gave me their quotes-- 5000 pesos for the service and around 3000 pesos for the GI sheet water tank (6000 pesos if i wanted stainless steel). i managed to bargain for the service fee to 4500, and just decided on the GI water tank instead. even as i closed the deal, i was thinking, "there goes my phone bill payment" even as my mind whirred, sorting through my resources and where i could generate the rest of the funds to pay for the repairs.

after the deal was settled, i rushed to the housing loan office and remembered that i could still renew an old multi-purpose loan ive been paying off, if i wanted to, and so i inquired about the renewal process, just in case. at the same time, i texted my brother if i could borrow 10000 pesos, and he promptly texted back for me to come pick it up at noon.

i had my Euro savings from the peace project of course, but i didnt want to touch that, ever.

in the seminar, even as i listened to the very enlightening talks, i texted my students and managed their concerns from afar.

by noontime, i went to papa's and was pleasantly surprised that the 10k cheque was issued by him, for me.

my sister was there too, with her husband, and youngest child, and they said they were waiting for me to have lunch with them, but i declined, telling them i had "free" lunch already at the seminar, and that i had to go to quickly encash the cheque before the bank closed at 3pm.

before i went, papa mentioned how he had this rich Chinese friend who's the major owner of one of our local papers now and how his friend wanted me to maybe manage the local paper, even as he wanted my sister to manage one local tv channel he also owns.

i smiled at papa's attempts to set me up financially, in fields that utilize my innate gifts, respecting my talents at last. i just said yes, i was willing to listen to the offer but i had to go to the bank now.

i quickly encashed the check, went back home to pay off the plumbers, who had, by now, finished the job successfully.

after settling matters with them, i went back to the seminar, at the same time texting a student in school to please help me inform one of the bosses that i couldn't attend a late afternoon meeting after all.

after the seminar, i went back to school to still pick up thea and paolo (bea absented herself today), even as i went into another meeting with an old friend and colleague whom i promised to help out with her training modules.

on the way home, we stopped by the mall for bea's pizza (she kept calling us from home, reminding us of her pizza and asking why it was taking us so long to get home), paolo's pad paper, and thea's special hair accessories for her Spirit Night tomorrow night.

now, i am here, winding down, waiting for the muscle twitches and soreness all over my body to be relieved before i go for my shower, as i sort out my thoughts and feelings from a loooooooong, beseiging day, even as i was suddenly feeling very lonesome, and alone, missing something, someone i had chosen not to be with anymore, for very good and very right reasons... : (

i think i did very well, today, riding the waves as they came, not wasting time anymore on needless worrying. anxiety-chewing and feeling sorry for my self, but just going on ahead anyway, doing what needed to be done, thinking on my wits, and still retaining a pleasant, cheerful manner.

so far, at the end of this grueling day, my chin is still above water.

and for that alone, i congratulate me.

ooohhhhh HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGSSSS to me, my dear heart.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

going back home

i am going to church again today, my second since last sunday when i felt compelled to go back, not because of any external pressure, but more of an inner need to refill my thirst for something deeper, higher.

the first time i went back to hearing mass again last sunday, i cried even as i thought to my self, "with God's help and Grace, i want to do it right this time."

it was a welcome, healing cry, and i felt mended, more whole afterwards.

so im going back there again today.

i told the kids last night and invited them to come along. paolo said he didnt want to go but the two girls said they'll come with me.

they stayed up late last night, though, and right now, they're still blissfully asleep.

i hate to wake them up.

birds are singing outside, and it is very quiet here, just me and my thoughts.

mama gently chides me for not being more of a regular churchgoer, and i keep resisting, although inwardly, i smile. God knows ive fulfilled my share of churchgoing for three lifetimes the year i was 17, when i passionately wanted to be a nun, and i went to church every day, sometimes, even twice a day, for more than a year or so! : )

she accuses me of being too much of a freethinker and a freespirit, an "activist" as she calls it (the way she says it makes "activist" sound like a cuss word...), but in my heart, i know-- i am as Catholic as probably even the most devout are.

i know my Church history and tradition and understand its failings even as it struggles to fulfill its role in this world. all through my teen years, when most other girls went crazy over clothes and makeup and boys, i steeped my self in reading the lives of the saints and Papal encyclicals and studying the Bible and thinking and writing about life and the spirit (even if i went crazy over one particular boy, from afar : > ) ... my God kept me company in a most intimate way, and sustained me for the trials and challenges of life then and afterwards...

oh no, ma, i could never really turn my back on what i was weaned on early in life, thanks to you and Mommy (my maternal grandma). : )

so im going back home again, today.

by God, with God, i want to make it right this time.

Friday, July 07, 2006

the labyrinth

i think i know now what my dream (post below) was talking about...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

labyrinthine dreams

i've been having disturbing dreams lately, ones i can barely recall when i wake up, but which leave me feeling tired and troubled.

since in my teens when i used to keep a dream journal, i can usually remember my dreams, in enough detail for me to make sense of them in terms of self-interpretation.

but lately, the dreams ive been having were dark, confused and troubled dreams.

i can't escape from them either, as i have them even while napping during midday... : (

today, at least, i can remember dreaming of being in a big house (hotel?) with many rooms connected to each other in dark, labyrinthine passages. somebody was chasing me and i was desperate to escape.

towards the end of my dream, i met a group of my students who were preparing for a gig in some room. i asked them which was the way out, and they looked at me and smiled, as if ive asked a very stupid question.

one student told me, "miss, you created this whole thing yourself, so you can uncreate it too."

and then i woke up.