Saturday, January 20, 2007

My Inner Child

i missed M sooo much yesterday. it's been two weeks since we last communicated. ive been a good girl, trying to keep quiet, knowing how he needed to focus on his projects for now (i know how i get when i need to focus on my projects: in total incommunicado mode, too).

still, at dawn yesterday, i tossed and turned, and finally came up with this bright idea of letting him know how much i missed him but not sounding too clingy nor needy: email him with just two lines-- "I know you're verrrrry busy, but may I have a HUG? I miss you, soooo bad."

finally, around mid-morning when i couldn't take it any longer, i did finally email him those dawn-inspired lines... and waited.

and waited.

and waited.

2 hours go by. nothing from him.

3 hours now, i was getting tearful, with all sorts of wild and crazy schemes in my head.

finally as i drove back to school to wait to pick up the older kids, i realized that it was my Inner Child acting up again, and i know now from experience and much research that when one gets like this, there's nothing much other people can do for you. you know your Inner Child best, and it is really your responsibility to take your Inner Child gently and lovingly by the hand and give her the attention and nurturing that she's presently craving from others but which others can not give.

so i went to the cafe in front of the school and ordered for my self my favorite mocha frappe, plus a little sandwich with lots of greens in it. in short, i took my self out for a quick date. : )

feeling better after the first sip of the frappe and first bite of the sandwich, i proceeded to just jot down on my journal what i have been experiencing that day, letting my Inner Child speak:

- missing M so
- dawn idea: "may I have a HUG?" email
- emailed M by mid-morning
- no response from M
- feeling rejected, upset, self-doubting, unlovable, angry ("how dare you ignore me???")
- feeling vengeful: "i'll show you. you'll never hear from me again. I WILL un-miss you, un-need you, un-love you. HMP!)
- wondering what to do now: do i still continue thinking of him and making plans and dreaming dreams with him in the picture, or do i totally erase him now? i decided i'd substitute the word "Soulmate" for his name in my Manifesting Intents. hmp. he may not be my real Soulmate after all, but just a practice one, you know. hmp. that'll show him!

after picking up the kids from school and coming home now, i thought i'd pursue the Inner Child idea and feed her more loving. so i started Google-searching for "inner child", and the first site i get is a link to "How Old is Your Inner Child?"

i answer the quiz, and here is my result--

My inner child is six years old!

Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole big world out there to do it in. Just so long as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my three best friends with me, of course.

Heheh (blush!)...

then, another link, "How Is Your Inner Child?", with my quiz results as--

***Your Inner Child Is Angry***

You're not an angry person.
But when you don't get your way, watch out.
Like a very manipulative kid, you will get what you want.
Even if it takes a little kicking and screaming.

Heeheeheee.... (more blushes!)


feeling a lot better now, i finally get an email from M, who begins his email with:

"I was about to say we seem to miss each other at the same time; but since I know I miss you always..."

: ) : ) : )

needless to say, my Inner Child is well-fed and happy again!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

for the first time in my life, i lit my own fireworks last night, all because the housekeeper's son failed to return home by almost midnight, and since we're all females in the house except for him and paolo, i had to lead the way.

i felt trepidation, of course, praying before i lit each one. images of hands being blown off, or worse, which i remember from tv news footages of New Year's Eve celebrations gone wrong haunted me. so, for all my life so far, i contented my self with lighting only sparklers, like an overgrown kid. (blush!)

but... i guess Life pushes you on to go beyond your limits, and this was my time come. for lighting my own fireworks, at last.

heehee. that sounds very symbolic, considering how good my life has turned out now. : ) : ) : )


the kids and i enjoyed it so much last night, paolo was saying before he fell asleep, "i wish there was a new month."

and i asked, "what do you mean, a 13th month after December?"

bea was quick to pick it up, "no ma, he means a Happy New Month!"

: ) : ) : )


today, i woke up at 8am to a bright, sunshiny morning, and greeted my self aloud, "Good morning, beauty! : ) Happy New Year, Happy New Month, Happy New Day!!!"

then, as the house was still quiet, with everyone still asleep from the post-midnight festivities of the night before, i proceeded to the computer to check on my The Secret download, and watched it again even as it continues downloading (still halfway)...

what a wonderful way to start the day and year, with the right thoughts and right spiritual vitamins to feed on!!!


i can't wait for my leave to start come April. it will be the start of FOURTEEN glorious FREE months all to my self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April and May, i still have my paid summer free. from June on to May, 2008, it will be my unpaid one-time year's leave for my entire academic career. i am blessed to have found freelance and sideline projects that will pay for the regular university pay i will be missing during that whole time, to afford me to just be by my self, and do what i've always dreamed of doing-- write and travel more-- at last.

i have already started imagining what my usual day would be like:

4am wake up and meditate
5am prepare for the day
6am wake the kids up and prepare them for school
7am bring them to school, then do my early morning walks, or go to the gym (!)
9am start my day-- check emails, follow up business and work to dos, write, study my writing craft further, watch films, read, learn how to cook and bake, do errands, write some more, date my self at the spa or beauty parlor, treat my self to my favorite cup of coffee and pasta, fetch the kids from school, do their homework with them, have fun with them, read and write some more, enjoy the privacy of my own bedroom (twinkle! : >), write again ....

ohhhhhh, wowwwwwww, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!


at the end of all this, i expect to have become a better, finer writer, and an even still finer person and woman.

that is all.

and that's all that really matters.