Paolo's Bullies

last week, Paolo told me how he and his 1st grade classmate were playing with some 2nd grade boys in the football field, and how more 2nd grade boys later joined them and challenged them to a fist and wrestling match. at first it was just playing, he said, but then later on it hurt, and the 2nd grade boys taunted him and his friend for running away.

the next day, Paolo got some more of his 1st grade boy classmates to come and play with him in the football field, and the 2nd grade bullies were there, too, challenging them to a fight again. this time the match was even.

i think it affected Paolo, though, because when thursday came last week, which was their Club Day, Paolo asked to be absent from school. after further probing, i learned that the 2nd grade bullies were in the same club as he was. i told him, "okay, you can be absent now, but you can't be absent forever. you will have to face your own problem; let's find a way to solve it." he agreed to my terms.

last friday, i was told by the office secretary how Paolo and his 1st grade friend came running up to her and asked her to accompany them to the football field where the bullies were heckling them again. the office secretary, who was plump and looks stern, amusedly told me how the bullies ran away after seeing her holding Paolo and his friend, one on each hand, marching to the football field. i smiled, too, thinking how cute it was, but inside, i felt troubled.

i was torn between being the usual protective, angry mom who felt like reporting the incident to the teachers and the principal, even confronting the bullies themselves right away and scolding them and threatening them. on the other hand, i remember my training now in peace work. i know the first option, although the natural one, isn't the way to go. i realized that this was a good opportunity for me to teach my children more peaceful and creative ways of handling conflict and violence...

so in one of our car rides home, when the kids usually talk about their day, i asked Paolo and his elder sister Thea to at least get the bullies' names first, and what their class sections were. Paolo was afraid, "why, ma? are you going to scold them? don't do that please! i would look like a sissy to them, telling on you!!!"

"no, honey. i just want us to know them better," i explained. "the more we know about our problem, the better we are able to know how to solve it." then i tried to gently explain how we need to understand why the bullies do what they do, as a second strategy. i made it sound like a game, even a military game, to appeal to their sense of adventure, but im hoping that as i lead them on, we won't even have to resort to "military" actions. : S

anyway, i asked him about it again just now, remembering that yesterday was Club Day. Paolo said they didn't do anything to him, as the teacher was there. but he got one name right, and i asked him how that makes him feel. he says he doesnt feel so afraid anymore, knowing he has the name. and i said, that's good. right now, we'll just watch them and observe them okay? and he nods his head nonchalantly and moves on to talk about other things.

he seems okay, so far, and im a little relieved.

but i understand now the terror that struck in Mary's heart, when they found 12-year-old Jesus speaking to the scholars in the temple. it's the same kind of terror, the realization that you can't protect your little boy from the world anymore, that he must find his own way, develop his own spine and spirit, yet you must be there for him, too, in gentle and loving support, without babying him or smothering him.

i fear for my little boy, and yet, i am also proud of him so far, for his own ingenious ways at trying to solve his own problem-- first, getting more kids on his side, too; then, getting the help of a fearsome looking adult to scare the bullies away.

still, i know, those methods are not enough. i have to teach him more creative and peace-promoting lifelong lessons and skills in conflict transformation, the same lessons and skills i am learning now in my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course... if i can't do that for my children, all the degrees in the world won't mean anything!

God help me walk this fine fragile line between being a righteously indignant mother and a more enlightened peace worker right. God help us all!

Peace

i've been feeling like a retiree these days.

the long years of struggle and proving my self seem to be finally over. i am coasting along now, borne by the goodwill i've sown among people, and the various inner gifts of character, insight and wisdom i've developed because of those long years of struggle.

i'm wrapping up old long, overdue projects even as i launch new ones with new people, new groups im meeting in my life now. new shoots are sprouting up, which are going to need my care and attention in the coming months and years. they are shoots now that are more in line with my lifelong goals and vision for my self and the kind of life i desire for the second half of my life -- peace work, communications, training and consultancy, writing...

wonderfully, they are also projects which would be giving me multiple streams of income in the coming months and years. just what i've always wanted; to not be too dependent on any single regular job, beholden to some people and an institution, but going freelance instead, working from home, and being sought out by people who need my services and willing and able to pay good money for them too, because of the reputation i've developed for professionalism, quality work and integrity...

i'm even relearning these days how to be my own best friend even, not bashing my self too much for things left undone at the end of the day, but congratulating my self instead for things i did do. there is a lot less pressure now to pack it all in in 24 hours, when they are things actually good for accomplishing in 48 to 72 hours.

... all good news, huh? : )

still, it takes some getting used to. some days, i still slip into the old mode, "pressuring" my self almost unconsciously instead for largely inconsequential matters... i guess it's always like this in the process of growth and change... a cyclical process where even as you move forward, you step back a step or two some days and actually almost "regress", just to feel comfortable again in the old mode, even as you try on the new and grow into it and learn to get used to it... much like a child, too, on her first few attempts at doing something new for her self, then going back to mama or papa to hide and be a baby again, then going out to attempt a little more next time, until she gets the hang of it.

but then again, i feel really old and wise and a little world-weary too, now. been there, done that, know a lot now.... so instead of looking ahead, as a blogger friend suggested some time ago, i just look around now and enjoy the sights and sounds, smelling the roses at last, just being open to what life offers each day, and responding as i am, however i feel like being at the moment.

it's a strange kind of being, though... being this at peace with one's self and one's world and one's life, when all around you people hurt and struggle and hurt each other and spin around in circles not knowing whether they're coming and going...

sometimes, i think i could die now, heehee... but not yet, as my kids need me to take care of them still. still, i can't help but feel too... there must be more coming, surely this must just be a temporary resting place, before new challenges come to test my mettle again... except that, this time, i am not afraid nor confused anymore, as this time, i finally know what i am about...

40 is still three years away. but i think Life has finally begun, even as all the "practice-living" before is now finally ending.

Magic

i haven't posted lately, as i've been busy, just keeping my head up above the waters of my "real" world of work and responsibilities.

then, too, there's the recent financial challenge.

as soon as i got my butterfly biz commission income, i settled down to planning my budget for the next cycle, and i felt happy to see that for the first time in a long time... i am finally able to make ends meet!

and then... the blow.

i left for a weekend training at a mountain resort last weekend, thinking that all was well with my world and home, leaving it safe and comfortable. but just as we got down from the mountain to return home sunday afternoon, the jeepney we were riding in had engine trouble. so we had to stop in the middle of a quite deserted highway to get the trouble fixed. after two hours, it still wasn't fixed and my companions were getting edgy and complaining as it was getting dark. i decided to count the stars instead.

by eight in the evening, i did arrive home. i gues the highway incident was just a portent of things to come.

when i arrived home, i found our water tank non-functional and the car unable to start. i hastily texted the water tank repairman, who, to his credit, did rush to fix the problem, even if it was a sunday, and a sunday evening at that, working late into the night. i texted the car mechanic too who promised to tow the car out monday morning.

all that trouble meant only one thing-- a ruined budget for me. of course i had the funds to pay for the major repairs, but it also meant wiping out half of my budget for other things and bills to pay. it didn't help when i learned that the reason the water tank broke down was because the maid forgot to turn the water motor off when they had a brownout earlier in the weekend. : (

at this point, it was easier to whine and complain and even harangue the maid for being so foolish-- see what it cost us! but i rememberd counting stars earlier and the sense of peace and untouchable serenity i got even from those few brief moments, and i resolved to my self i won't let these things get to me, that surely i am bigger than all of these, that i won't stoop down to pettiness and bitching and complaining and making other people miserable just because it's getting me down, too.

i did feel attacked... besieged, though. i thought life was being terribly unfair. here i am, a single mother, doing everything and more just to keep things together and make things right, and it throws these monkey wrenches at me at the most unexpected of times! have i no right to even just enjoy some feeling of non-anxiety from always having to make ends meet? do i not deserve to rest too from all the working and struggling and scrimping and straining?

i cried my self to sleep that night, feeling so alone and helpless. but i never did outwardly complain or bitch at the people around me. what's the use?

i woke up the next day with a grim determination to see these challenges through, again, like i always have. i kept my tongue even when it was most tempting to be catty. i held my peace even when i was feeling most besieged. i went to manila for another meeting, and decided to just temporarily enjoy being away for a while and forget about the problems here...

it is strange, though, that when i came back from manila the next day, things just somehow started to fall into place. the car and water tank bills were huge, much larger than i expected, but it didn't bother me anymore. i figured i'll be taken care of anyway, as i always have been.

and indeed, i am being taken care of!

a client i am doing some writing for asked to meet for more work to do (which means more income for me!) i found cheaper but quality substitutes for some items in my list i had to buy, so that freed up some more funds in my tight budget. i even discovered that i erroneously budgeted for my youngest's tuition twice, so i only actually had to pay half of what i budgeted for her, freeing up some more funds...!

and that's not really just it... the money matters. as i went about fulfilling all my other To Dos, i just found people more accommodating of me, more eager to grant my requests happily. i finally went to the civil registrar to request for an annotated copy of my marriage contract, annotating it annulled. i've put off this task for a month now, knowing how tedious and time consuming the process can be at these government offices. but the other day, strangely, i accomplished it in just one morning! : O

all these little magical things, of the tide turning for me... made me wonder if i've suddenly acquired some magical charm to make people and circumstances suddenly do my bidding. i remember a moment when i even thanked God for the double whammy of the huge car and water tank bills-- isn't it a good thing i can actually finally afford to pay in cash expenses like these? : D (i think i must've gotten beyond desperate, going over the edge in my positivity to giddy silly level!)

but i seriously suspect now that some universal law is at work here.

i've read about it in many books, not just metaphysical ones, but history and literature, too; there seems to be that special time in the tide of human affairs, that particular moment, when nothing seems to going for the hero or heroine, when everything is, in fact, going against him or her, and her last recourse is her faith and will, and she takes hold of those, reclaims those, and decides to rise above her circumstances anyway.... and slowly but surely, the tide begins to turn in her favor... the blessings start trickling in again... the magic happens.

it is an eerie feeling, when one finds one's self in the center of all that, seemingly causing all that, coming face to face with one's Power. i find my self glimpsing into eternity here, understanding the miracle of the fish and the loaves at last, like i've finally found some old ancient key that unlocks all doors...

Where The Heart Is

it is just an hour or so till bedtime but the kids dont want to sleep yet, squeezing out the last few joys of an extra free day from school and work, because of the national transport strike against spiralling oil prices today.

they groan when i remind them of school tomorrow, and i get a sinking feeling too when i think of going back to work tomorrow (although i have the luxury of telling my thesis classes that we will meet next meeting instead, as they still have to submit their thesis proposals tomorrow, which should have been today, if we didnt have a transport strike, so i still get another self-declared free day tomorrow, but to check on students' papers though...).

it has always been like this for us, because home has become not only a haven of rest and relaxation, but also a beehive of activity and interests that arouse our passions.

from the moment we wake up, we craft our day as we see fit. im not a very regimented kind of mom; we follow our feeling, whether its eating or doing anything else... over the years, we seem to have developed a synchronicity to our eating patterns, that we still tend to eat at the same time anyway, and always talking to each other and sharing our thoughts and our feelings and how our day has been.

the little ones go out to play, build houses or buildings from old tables and chairs and toys, climb the roof to reach the blueberries from our tree, drive around the village in their little bikes with the maid or their bigger friends accompanying them, come back for a sandwich or juice, then go out again to explore the world. sometimes they prefer to stay in and watch Disney Channel or Nickelodeon, or draw and paint on their papers and coloring books on the floor, or simple quietly read from their bookshelves, too.

thea and i mainly sit by the pc and laptop, doing our own stuff, surfing, writing, she also drawing electronically or downloading music, or us eating something from the fridge while we watch a movie together, or just reading in bed, in quiet companionship.

and tonight it ends again, as we prepare for another regular day with the usual world out there. sigh.

i am ending it now, though, with a new found possibility i am taking seriously at last-- home schooling. thea has been mentioning it for almost a year already, as she says they all learn more and enjoy more from home than from school anyway, but it is only tonight when i seriously surfed for homeschooling articles, and emailed the government education agency and some homeschooling guides on how to go about it.

thea is right about their seeming to learn more from home, because maybe of our very unstructured setting (we only have two rules-- be honest and kind, and clean up your own mess) at home, and where they are encouraged to follow their interests and speak their minds. the two little ones, especially, ask a lot of thought-provoking questions ("What's God's family name?" "Why do people have to get married?" "Why is a fire truck not called a water truck when it contains a lot of water anyway?") and i try to answer as truthfully as i can, to the best of my knowledge and ability. when i don't know the answer, i tell them so and ask them to check what they find out in Google.

today, paolo exclaimed, "Google doesn't know everything either! I typed in 'heroes of the philippines' and it gave me Batman!" : )

until today, too, i never knew squirrels could fly, according to paolo and bea, that's what they read in Reader's Digest's Amazing Facts. "They glide, ma, not fly," thea corrects. : ) : ) : )

***

well, at least, with my websurfing for homeschooling information today, we have something to look forward to... even if it's only an idea and a possibility right now. it's a nice feeling we can do something about our situation, at least...

and im warming up to the idea, too, especially when coupled with my dream of working from home, earning from home... : )

after all, where the heart is, there most-- if not all-- of life should be, too, shouldn't it? : )

The Day The World Changed

sept. 11, 2001 - i was stuck with a colleague at Charles de Gaulle Airport in France on our way home, told that our plane would be delayed for 5 to 8 hours. the airport was packed, but the tvs were off, so we didnt know what was happening outside.

i was certain, though, of what was happening inside: a decision has been made-- i didn't want to be married anymore.

*****

today, four years later, i have--

left my marriage,
learned to stand up for my self,
learned to take care of my self and my children on my own,
earned two national writing fellowships,
won a national writing prize for my first children's story,
published my first book,
created and transformed an academic program out of virtually nothing good to speak for it,
launched a speaking and consultancy career,
had my marriage legally annulled,
been there, done that, with men, so-called love and life...
found my true love (knock on wood)
looking forward to age 40 three years away from now with excitement instead of trepidation,
for a life just now truly beginning and yet to blossom in full flowering for the rest of it!

that day in 2001, the world changed indeed.

and oh, how it has changed mine!

keeping my eye on the ball

the cooking fuel did run out last night, and i quickly texted my sister to ask if i could collect only even 1/3 of the amount she borrrowed from me for now, with the rest payable today as promised, or even next week.

thankfully, she came by last night to pay me back the 3k in full, the 500 of which i used to purchase the cooking fuel early this morning. with 2500 in my wallet again, i was feeling quite rich, calculating that only very little things in the household needed replenishment, i would have a comfortable amount left after doing groceries today, enough to tide me over until the 15th next week, when my reguarlar pay from my day job comes.

now, i am home, with a full fridge and a happy little girl eating the food she picked at the grocery store.. but with an almost empty wallet again.

i am still reeling from how fast food and grocery prices have risen along with car fuel prices; there was a time early this year when i could do two weeks' worth of food and groceries on a 3000 pesos budget, 4000 if i allowed the kids their food "luxuries"... but today, it's barely enough for a week! there was a time too when my car could run happily on just 500 pesos worth of fuel a week, full tank each time, but today, even 1500 each week, on the same route, can barely make full tank.

times like these, it's easy to get discouraged when i look all around me and see so many "For Sale" and "For Rent" signs on houses and on cars. times like these, it's very tempting to keep my eyes focused on what's happening, and forget about my desires of what i want to happen in my life.

but i must remind my self that i mainly moved forward exponentially in my life in the past three years, both internally and externally, by keeping my eyes focused on my inner riches and dreams instead, that dreams have come true because i kept my eye on the ball carrying them, to the point of simply ignoring present realities and living with them gracefully, because my mind, heart and soul were intent on something else-- the good, the better, the best that were coming to me and my children.

God help me keep my eye on the ball, today, especially, when it seems so difficult to do so.

Jeanette

recently, i've started using my baptismal name in my email accounts; the last time i used it was when i was in kindergarten 32 years ago, before the primary school i was enrolling for grade one in asked for my birth certificate, and the birth certificate my parents found in the local civil registry gave me another name instead, the other name i have been using since then : ( , although cousins and friends from childhood still call me "Jeanette" ...

somehow, though, using "Jeanette" again feels perfectly right, with my new life now, reclaiming my self and my life back from the clutches of a horribly wrong marriage and a spiritually deadening administrative career.

i say my name out loud to myself now, rolling it on my tongue like candy... and i find it deliciously sweet. the feeling is both of depth and height at the same time, like earning a purple heart for a battle long and nobly fought and won.

i plan to start using "Jeanette" whenever i can now, mostly as a pen name for my stories and my books. once ive established my name in the mainstream, i also plan to legally change my name and all my legal records someday soon...

"Jeanette" was the name i was blessed with, so "Jeanette" will be the name i will use from now on as i moved on with my magnificently blessed life now, so blessed in many and all ways! :)

i am coming home to me, at last... and for good.

Living On the Edge

my little anxiety-causing problem of the other day was quickly solved yesterday.

as i said, there was the free rice offer from Papa, so yesterday, after picking the two older kids up from school, we went straight to Papa's "for a visit". i'm glad we did, not only because of the rice, but Papa was in one of his rare genial and relaxed moods. i felt better seeing him being up and about and looking strong and active, unlike my last visit almost a month ago when i found him in bed in his darkened room at noontime, feeble and weak. he invited the kids and i to have dinner with him and i accepted. i knew it was his way of prolonging our visit, and i wanted to continue chatting with him too. it would look bad and we would feel bad if we just went there for the rice!

then, early at dawn yesterday morning, it occurred to me to email my aunt, whom i do a website content provision for, to ask her if i could have my monthly consultancy fee of 5k advanced from the usual 15th payout. by early afternoon, it was already transferred to my bank account, thank God for her!

so today, as i needed only 1k to 2k for additional food and groceries for this week, i only withdrew that amount and bought some more food and groceries, feeling safe and secure again that i still have enough left as temporary savings...

however, by midmorning today, my sister texted me to ask if i had any spare funds as they were rushing to beat the deadline at the bank before the checks they issued became overdue. i only thought for a moment or two, and decided that the funds in my possession are not really mine to own and even hoard, that i am just a channel of blessings, even as other people have been channels of blessings to me. so i offered her my remaining 3k left today, which she promised to pay back by friday or monday.

i come home to a house that is safe and comfortable (especially with two airconditioners working now!), made warm and secure by the love and laughter of my children, even if my wallet is, again, almost empty. : )

some part of me is tempted to become anxious again -- what if some household things or the car gas runs out even before the week is over? what if emergencies arise and i have nothing to cover for them? what if....????

so many what-ifs,... so many taunts and jeers against my inner peace, trying to fan my fears and consume my as-yet fragile sense of security today. sigh.

but i take a deep breath and force my self to counter-- haven't i always been taken care of? haven't people and circumstances always moved to take care of my good in the end? haven't things always worked out for good?

yes. yes. YES!

i will be okay, even if this crazy life is lived on the edge a lot. : ) i will be okay. my children and i will be okay.

thank you God, for your unfailing Love and Abundance!!!

Life These Days

Mama called me this morning to ask about how i am, how the children are, what's new these days... gently chastising me in her own roundabout way for my not updating my blog .... : ) so here goes...

hmmmm... what do i "report", huh, since there's nothing earthshaking to tell these days? : )

after the angst and agony of writing those three stories for the contest, i've sort of been coasting along, decompressing in a sense, although now that i've stimulated my subconscious, it keeps on generating story ideas for me in my head, bothering me at the oddest hours of the day and night, so i keep my notebook handy and the pc on almost all the time these days, to catch a title, or the beginning lines of a story... so much so that now, in just a little more than a week, i have four more stories in progress!

also, i've mainly been occupying my self with checking papers and doing grades these days, as well as with my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies online and weekend offline classes. there are so many new things im learning about peace and conflict, and conflict analysis, conflict mapping,.... it's all a series of fireworks in my mind!

so you can say ive been on a full and rich mental feast, lately. : )

then, too, i've been mainly reading "abundance" articles and material on the web, starting with The Science of Getting Rich. : )

it's about time. i want more, and im ready for more, and i do sincerely believe now i deserve more, that there has got to be more to life than plodding along financially, when abundance is our birthright!

i've always known about these principles before, from so many readings and courses and practices (from meditation to Silva to Napoloen Hill to Og Mandino to Richard Bach, name it, i've been through it) but the free e-book from The Science of Getting Rich somehow distills them all into fundamentals, and they are all falling into place for me now, making sense and order and clearer meaning...

so im working on being more consciously focused on my dreams and desires now, keeping my mind well fed and keeping mental rubbish away, being grateful every day for what i have, and manifesting abundance and prosperity in all the ways that i am and can be, sharing whatever i can with others, expecting my good, preparing for my good...

even cleaning out my closets and sorting through my stuff and reorganizing my files and books (still undone... going through it little by little) has meaning now-- in abundance literature, it's part of clearing out space for your good to fill in!

although...i must admit, too... it has been quite a challenge very recently.

after paying for the downpayment on a new airconditioning unit for Thea's room, i found my budget suddenly tightened, but which i thought could last me till the next payday. however, "emergency" expenses (the little kids' wanting some extra special food cravings) tightened my budget further, and i found my self suddenly getting a bit anxious about it not being able to last us till next payday. i computed and re-computed in my head, and decided to move some items around in my mental list a bit, like asking Thea and Paolo to bring their own lunch to school for this week, instead of my giving them a daily allowance to buy their lunch from the school food court.

still, knowing what i do know now from all my review of abundance literature, i made extra effort not to fall into worrying mode. i decided that my worrying won't add a single peso to my budget anyway, so why worry? : ) instead, i struggled to really apply the abundance principles this time-- keep my mind focused on my goals and desires for the kids and i, being grateful every day and night, counting my blessings, staying positive...

it is strange how the Universe indeed answers prayers.

one of my unspoken anxieties was where to get the extra funds to buy more rice till next payday. before, rice wasn't a problem because Papa used to purchase sacks of rice for his own household, and since i separated from my ex-husband and lived on my own with my children three years ago, his way of showing me his love and support was to let me get rice from him whenever i needed it, as well as bread from our bakery too, for free. but his stocks have run out since two months ago, and i have been buying my own rice again since.

however, just yesterday, my stepsister texted me to tell me that Papa told her to tell me that i can get rice again from their house today, as his stocks have been replenished! : O

amazing timing, huh.

so i thanked God for it, and took it as a sign from God telling me that the kids and i will be alright, that our needs would be provided for till next payday at least, ... and not to worry anymore. it also reminded me of many many similar other "magical coincidences" before, help arriving at the last minute, in so many ways and from so many sources, that God always provides, that there's always more where that comes from...

and so, today, im back to my abundance mood again, after a day of anxiety and near-worry. : ) i don't even bother to calculate and recalculate my budget in my head anymore, just trusting that everytime i take a bill out from my wallet to pay for something, it will be replenished. (i learned that too, from experience! talk about multiplication of fish and loaves if you don't count what's there, but just give and give and give!)

this reminds me now, too, of Mama's recent "adventure" in asking largely, which i'd like to share here, with her permission. for those not familiar with her situation yet, Mama is a breast cancer survivor and a triple-heart bypass survivor and is now on her dialysis treatment for her kidneys, too. still, people comment on how she looks healthy and vibrant anyway, even healthier and more vibrant than other so-called normally healthy people, because of her spunk and spirit and optimism. she's also the creator of the online business i am involved in now as sole sales and customer service person in charge , helping the kids and i a lot in terms of added income (in US dollars at that), and training me for global business. how she is as a person and how she turns things around into something that works out for her good anyway is always an amazing and inspiring and educational lesson for me and my kids in asking largely and in serendipity and in abundance and in how there is still a good, loving God out there. Thea likes to call her grandmother, "Grand". : )

recently, while on her way from a dialysis treatment, she wrecked her car, but she came out amazingly unscathed and still alive. the car was so damaged the insurance company declared it a total wreck. still, life goes on. so she needed some form of transportation to get her to and from her dialysis treatments, as well as to ship our business orders. that was her main concern...

here is her story which i copied from her email to me and family. Her name is Lourdes but people call her Ludy. Larry is her husband, best friend and true love : ) --

For a while there (about a month), I tried to cooperate with everybody's suggestion
that I take the ride that senior citizens get from the Dialysis Clinic.

I had a hard time adjusting to my predicament since I was also treated like one of
them HANDICAPPEDS. I had to wait for Larry  to come home before we can
deliver the express orders, sometimes he had to work till 8:30 PM and the cut-off
time is 8:00PM.  We had to eat supper late, since I want to run to the post office
immediately.

After the first month was over, I declared to Larry...that THIS IS ENOUGH!...I am
not going to ride with the elderly anymore. I was beginning to feel like a handicapped
myself and feeling the same way they are.....acting like ZOMBIES.....!!!

Larry asked how I was going to the clinic without a ride. I said firmly, that I am
going to take his car and bring him to his office and pick him up later, whether he
likes that or not.

So, my first day to use his car, I had the car evaluated by a mechanic since his
oil was leaking. The mechanic suggested that we not take the car in the highway
anymore, since the car will have the tendency to explode.  The leak was all around
the engine.

So, when I told Larry about it....he thought of trading it in. He said we will get a good car
within the budget of $500.00 - $600.00 per month installment.

When we went around the car dealers......I asked the last one jokingly if
he could make us a deal of two cars at the price of one.

Ha...ha...ha..ha..... He did! and so Larry and I have a new car each now!!!
His is a 2005 Chevy Cavalier and mine is a 2005 Toyota Rav 4 SUV.

Whatever Ludy wants......Ludy gets......Hehehehhh...

Thank you! Thank you....Baby Jesus....


: ) : ) : )

Consumatum Est!

it is finished!

ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.

and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.

i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D

(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)

i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.

God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!

thank you, God, for the gift of stories!

Crafting Magic

here (<-- ) is where most of the action is taking place right now...

this writer's journey... : )

So Help Me God!

i just found out now, after checking the NCCA website again, that the writers' prize deadline has been moved to August 31, instead of the October 31 deadline it last had two years ago!!!

oh, God! and i've only just now finished the draft of one story!

this means moving aside all my other commitments and obligations, to produce two more stories in two weeks' time, instead of the two months i thought i'd have the leisure of having!

oh, God, it's just between you and me now. Help!

A Time for Healing

talking with a friend earlier today about being particular about who i invite to my home triggered a not so long ago memory-- a horror, actually-- the memory that started the unraveling of my marriage of ten years, five years ago.

i was telling my friend how i remembered not so long ago how the ex invited a buddy to our home because the buddy was down and out on luck in his life, and how the buddy almost lived with us as he ate with us, played with the kids, watched tv with us... and even slept on the couch sometimes when it got too late for him to go home.

i hated it, first because im a very private person and ive always believed that a home should be one's sanctuary, and only very close family members and lifelong friends should be let in, much less stay in for any length of time.

i hated it too, because even if i was 8 months pregnant at that time, the buddy made passes at me and i found a photograph in our family album i had of me in a swimsuit suddenly taken from the album at about that time when he was around.

and i also hated the way he tried to get close to my eldest daughter, who was only seven years old then, which disturbed me so... as he liked having her sit on his lap while watching tv... even when there was a lot of space left on the couch for my daughter to sit on!

anyway i told the ex about it, many times, but he just brushed me off, saying i was being too imaginative, and even defended his friend and accused me of being heartless for not being more sympathetic of his friend's predicament.

finally, i gave birth to our youngest child. the ex said he couldnt be with me at the hospital as he had two construction projects going on out of town and which he couldnt leave for long to the foremen. so he asked his buddy to be with me instead to assist me in my hospital needs.

i cringed at the thought and managed to ignore the buddy and just maintain a modicum of civility to him, even as i recovered from the childbirth. still, it upset me that when the nurse asked me to go with her to the sitz bath room, he asked to come with us!!!

the ex left the money to pay the hospital bills with, as well as the car keys, in the drawer beside my bed, and instructed the buddy to process the billing and checkout and take us home in our car. he didnt even come to see the new baby.

despite my heavy bleeding and grogginess, i still was able to scheme enough to ask the buddy on some errand out of the hospital. and during that time he was away, with only my eldest daughter to keep me company, i managed to go and up and down the many hospital floors to process my bill, pay it and check my self and the baby out as fast as we could.

i hastily packed our things, placed my eldest at the backseat of the car with only pillows around her supporting her as she gingerly held her newborn sister close to her, while i, still profusely bleeding and groggy, drove home.

*****

since i told my friend about this five hours ago, i have not stopped crying.

the tears have finally come, after all these years spent on being angry and using my anger to break my way out of the horrors i was in. i remember those months and years since then as being driven mainly by rage and fury, and everybody marveled at the courage i mustered to break through.

especially since i never cried.

nobody has seen me cry.

until today.

the tears are flowing and they can't be stopped.

i don't intend to stop them either.

*****

the time to heal has finally come, i guess.

awash in my own tears, i embrace being cleansed and being made whole again...

i embrace being made whole at last.

Unmanifesting Prosperity

it's interesting how, when we most need to learn something, we come up against its very opposite.

here i am reading from "The Science of Getting Rich" and all these other prosperity articles online, writing down passages and notes which struck me, keeping the notes in my wallet and handbag so i could look at them and read them again every time and so i keep "thinking prosperity"... and i come up against experiences which test my very own existing state of prosperity (or un-prosperity) consciousness!

i am still bothered until now by an incident which happened at home last saturday. my son, paolo, brought in three of the neighborhood boys into our house to play with. these kids are from working-class backgrounds who spoke roughly and played roughly. they were at home the whole day, hogging the tv and couldnt get enough of the food paolo shared with them. i was working on the pc the whole time but i quietly observed them and paolo, and asked them to clean their mess after every game...

it was starting to get to me-- being at home on a weekend and not being able to relax because essentially, i had to "take care" of more little guys too, little guys who aren't used to the rules and culture we have at home, little guys who were coarse and rough but quite receptive to learn the new ways i tried to show them through how i treated my own son. then too, it started upsetting me that they were wrecking my food budget, although i kept saying to my self to think of it as paying my way just so my son could enjoy himself too with other little boys his age.

after dinner in the evening, though, and when one of the boys went home already, i told the other two to start leaving too, as it was late and rainy and that the household was now "closing down" to rest. i told them too, in a nice way, not to come back the next day as sunday was our family day of rest. they nodded to me but i could hear them telling paolo they wanted to sleep over. i caught their whispered conversations and told them we can't allow them to sleep over here, even if it's in the maid's room, as the maid's son has come for a visit too and it would be crowded there. besides, we really all needed to rest.

i remember telling them nicely at 7:30 p.m., but they just nodded and kept on watching tv. i told them again at 8pm, then at 830pm ... then at 9pm.

finally i saw them leaving the house with little paolo, but when i looked out the window and asked the maid where paolo was, i noticed that the maid's quarters' door was closed, and it took time for the maid to answer.

after a few repeated calls, the maid finally answered that paolo was with her. i sensed something else different, though, so i asked if the two boys had gone home already.

that's when i found out that the two boys were still in our yard, hiding in the maid's quarters! that did it.

i blew my top. i raised my voice and told them to go home RIGHT NOW, and how i was soo angry for their not respecting me as owner of my own house and for even teaching my own son to lie and to hide things from me.

they were shaken and the maid promptly shooed them away as paolo trembled before me. i hugged my son, who had started crying by then, and i tried to explain to him how i wasn't angry at him but at them for disrespecting us by not following our rules and what we asked them to do and by even teaching him to lie to his own mother, which we never do in our household.

paolo kept nodding when i kept asking him if he understood and was soon pacified.

but it bothered me, and it still bothers me until now.

was i being too mean? they are just little boys, too, after all. and i sent them packing so late at night; although it was their fault too, as they ignored my courteous requests since 7:30 that evening.

what's the line that separates between protecting your own self and your interests and your peace of mind and comfort and right to rest and relaxation and your boundaries, with being generous and giving to the world at large and manifesting prosperity every time?

it still bothers me...

***
then, lately, too, over the weekend actually, my uncle has been telling me how he's coming over in september to formally set up the family corporation he wants my sister, my brother, and i to have with him and his wife as financial partners. the idea is good; it is actually our mom's request to her brother, our uncle, to help set us up in better economic conditions before she goes from this life...

it was first proposed to us a year or so ago, and naturally, everybody was happy and excited. but now that the reality looms, i actually find my self seriously hesitant and even quite fearful and resentful.

suddenly not so long ago memories of managing our family business, with everyone feeding off from the fat but with only me working hard and even doing the work of the others who were not doing their share but getting their share (!) started haunting me again and the ugly feelings of buried anger and resentment before rose up again.

i was more upfront and assertive this time, though, unlike before, and brought my concerns up with my uncle and my mom via email. they have been graciously open and upfront with me too, telling me what i needed to know, and i am a little less anxious now, knowing the details of their proposed set up, and knowing that my kind and wise uncle would be at the helm.

still, this recent experience makes me ask my self why i am suddenly feeling so competitive and resentful of my siblings again, especially my sister, when i thought i have already gone past those angry limiting feelings before, forgiven them and my self, and have loved them more openly and generously and magnanimously since then anyway?

why am i suddenly being competitive and not creative (as "The Science of Being Rich" exhorts otherwise), when i have always actually been the creative sort by nature?

***
then, too, just yesterday and today, i found my self with little outbursts over the kids' seeming wastefulness and carelessness with things.

we started the day yesterday with paolo reporting to me that he couldn't find their pencil sharpener anymore. we looked all over for it amidst the morning rush and it got me upset that it's lost when it's the second pencil sharpener i bought them in a few months. ( the first one got wrecked because they played around with it.)

and i started going around haranguing them and the fates that be of how they could be so careless and wasteful, of how it's tiring me so having to fix things and find things for them every time when i didn't cause the breakdowns or the loss in the first place, blah, blah, blah, etc.

earlier last night, my eldest, Thea, after talking to her dad on the phone whom she asked to buy her some materials she needed for their Homemaking project today already, and after learning how her dad declined saying he was too busy to buy them and asked her to ask ME to buy them instead and that he will just repay me... i blew my top again and started a long sermon on how i don't have the budget right now for the materials she needed ASAP and how i hated being asked to produce something at the last hour just because it is convenient for some people to ask me rather than produce it themselves, it being their responsibility in the first place, blah, blah, blah, etc. again.

***
i am mostly bothered by how these recent incidents and my reactions to them are showing to me my petty, fussy Martha-ish side, concerned about costs and counting down to the last centavo's worth of things... my stingy unprosperous side... when i've always thought of my self and have always been known by those around me as being more magnanimous and generous than the average person.

i know there are lessons to be learned here.

maybe one of the lessons is how some parts of me has actually been unmanifesting my own prosperity so far, the kind of boundless abundance and prosperity God has always wanted to give me... because of these unresolved petty, mean and stingy sides. (oh i have come so far, with God's grace, but i am seeing more clearly now that i can have more, and that i should never hesitate to ask largely of God and the universe!)

but then, too, i still ask the question about where one draws the line between being self-respecting and protecting one's boundaries, and manifesting prosperity in all ways by having a giving heart and outlook in all situations?

Time Out

i think i will need to take time, space and energies off from blogging here for a while; i will need the time, space and energies for making a dream come true.

there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.

i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)

wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.

the luck will just follow.

Family

this morning, while having breakfast, Paolo asked me about family.

mama, did Papao (his maternal great grandfather) have a father?

of course, dear, everyone has a father.

did his father have a father too?

i told you everyone has a father, didn't i?

and his father had a father had a father...?

he started to look awed now.

there must have been a first father then...

oh yes, honey, his name is Adam.

now he looked horrified--

you mean we all come from Addams' family???

: {

Paolo's Book

while going through Paolo's schoolbag just a few minutes ago, to make sure he has all things ready for school, i chanced upon a small booklet of pieces of bond paper folded together and stapled down the middle, with drawings and words in Paolo's penciled handwriting. here is his story ...

Book about rackets and planets

the sun or planets is hot a oxegen. a oxegen is came from the claouds. you now what the oxegen is from the claouds becuse its windy at the sky it can blow you 1700 metrse.

there are nine planets:
1. saturn
2. jupiter
3. neptune
4.uranus
5. pluto
6. mercury
7. venus
8. earth
9. mars

the first man on the moon is neil arm strong and his frinds.

you can be a scientist, but make shure you got the correct matirals and no troubles.

the author is still asleep.

i count on the stage mother's prerogative to publish his work without his permission... yet.

: )

More

there's got to be more than this... this life of simply putting out fires and keeping up.

i am blessed that the fires i need to put out now are only little flames, compared to the forest conflagrations ive had to struggle with in the past three years.

but still, there's got to be more than this, i know, i know.

i've been there and i've been through worst... but what made the tides turn for me?

am reading up on prosperity principles on the web right now... and i am reminded of long-ago lessons i seem to have forgotten:

1. praise, gratitude, thankfulness for what you have -- what you appreciate, appreciates!

2. sharing -- your manifestation that you are prosperous enough to share; don't worry about your not having enough right now, supply will come soon enough, as it always does!

3. insulating your self from negativity and all forms of poverty consciousness -- complaining, worry, fear; and building and nurturing an abundance consciousness instead, your birthright and your power!

4. Spirit is Abundance and spirit moves through everything, including you-- allow it to flow, don't block it with your negativism and poverty conscicousness! God/Spirit/Abundance provides; there's always more where everything comes from!!!

***

i think now that i recently allowed my self to become sidetracked, by letting little aggravations get to me and plunge me into downward spiralling despair and worry and frustration, violating principles 3 and 4, and causing me to renege on principles 1 and 2, which further caused me to feel "poor"... and frustrated and powerless... further violating principles 3 and 4.... and so on and so forth in that vicious cycle towards a bottomless pit.

i should know better.

it seems ive learned how to take care of my self and to turn away from the big Negatives, but my recent experience shows i still have to learn taking care of the small negatives as well, because they can trip me up as well as the big Negatives can!

***

yes, there has got to be More... isn't my life now manifesting that "More-ness" from three years ago?

God please don't let me forget and sink back into unconsciousness again.

there is More and i want that More kind of life, more and more of it!!!

Bring More on!

Leaks

it's been raining hard the past two or three days. without work and classes over the weekend, it was okay, staying cocooned at home, but with the week starting, it got to me.

i already knew my old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer leaks when it rains, but lately, it more like dripped rather than slowly leaked. then too, the windshield wiper gave up after a few valiant struggles with the pelting rain. so driving unseeingly in the rain, and being soaking wet and cold inside, is not exactly an experience that would encourage cheerful thoughts.

i never knew though, that our roof had problems too until rain started leaking from the ceiling in our bedroom the other night.

then, when i asked the maid the other night too to boil me water for a mug of hot chocolate, she came up showing me a leaking kettle!

when it leaks, it pours huh? : {

sigh.

little things like these have gotten me down lately. ohhh i know i would have to fix them and could afford to fix them in time... but now is not exactly the time i need more aggravations like these!

double sigh.

(when is the time then? ... heehee... : > ... just trying to cheer my self up...)

i see my blog's tagline above-- when Life happens to you, that is your opportunity to show to Life your statement of Who You Are.

my statement of who i am?

.... hmm....

right now, i am just so down and out i don't even have the energies to make a statement.

triple sigh.

Viva il Papa

i had the strangest dream while i was having my siesta after lunch today.

i was looking at a tall, blond Amazonian woman, dressed so smartly and efficiently, cornering an old woman in frumpy clothes and putting a microphone up to the old woman's face. apparently the Amazon was a media person interviewing the old woman who worked inside the Vatican about certain scandals going on inside the Church.

the old woman was hesitant but the information was probed out of her. after the Amazon left, i saw the old woman wring her kerchief in tears. the kerchief actually dripped water!

then i saw her face change from one of shame and regret to one of firm resolve. she started walking out of the dark alley the Amazon cornered her into and out into the cobbled streets shouting, "Viva il Papa! Viva il Papa!"

i saw an Italian couple inside a Volkswagen get out of their car to join the woman in her chanting. then people all around started chanting and i saw many Filipinos congregating in what looked like a large square, altogether chanting, "Viva il Papa! Viva il Papa!"

*****

what couild have this dream meant?

i normally dream about everyday things and the people in my life, and i have gotten quite adept at interpreting them for my own self-knowledge and self-growth. i have learned that interpreting dreams basically involves 3 levels: the literal, the symbolic and the precognitive.

you start out with any literal meaning/message/warning the dream might have for you in your life. if something rings true inside you, then stop, look and listen and think about what it could mean for your life.

if the literal doesn't mean anything for you, you then move on to the symbolic. usually, when you start out in dream interpretation, you base your dream's symbol on archetypal Jungian symbols, but as you grow more familiar with your dreams you learn to interpret them according to certain very personal symbols. for example, i know now that when i dream of childhood settings--my old elementary and high school, the store my parents had when i was small--i am usually going way way down deep into my subconscious issues and my long ago past. being in water -- showering, or swimming-- usually means emotions for me.

usually, my dream interpretations take on the symbolic, although a recent other dream in my other blog i take to be quite literal, like a message bopping me on the head for my being so dense and for not seeing something so obvious so clearly in the first place.

but this dream... can it be precognitive? (i haven't even read Da Vinci's Code although ive heard of what it says about the Church...) or was i just simply travelling astrally to Italy at noon today?

i have long lapsed in my religious duties as a Catholic, although i was almost a fanatic in my late teens, when i still fervently wanted to be a nun. i have immersed my self quite well in what i later on drifted away from (i actually spent almost my entire teenage years immersed in prayers, devotions, reading the lives of saints and trying to be saintly in all my thoughts, actions and behavior! ... when i could have spent my teens dating and partying and doing all the normal things teens do!!!), so in many ways, i have reasons for my drifting and i don't want to debate them.

but it doesn't mean i have also lapsed in my spiritual growth. actually, my drifting away from the formalities of religiousity has catalyzed the growing and blossoming of a higher, deeper and more universal spirituality in me, so i don't feel like i have "regressed" as much as i have actually spiritually progressed and matured.

still... the dream haunts me.

i won't even presume delusionary notions of grandeur about it being precognitive and with such global implications... i am just concerned about me.

what could it possibly mean to me, in my life right now?

The Prayer of Jabez

while sorting through my old files and reorganizing my book cases recently, i chanced upon a little book my sister, Honey, gave me three years ago, soon after i left my marriage and i knocked on their door for temporary shelter, as i tried to get my bearings and discerned what i wanted to do next with my life.

it's "The Prayer of Jabez" by Bruce Wilkinson.

this little book helped me through my darkest times. basically Mr. Wilkinson tries to illustrate in the book how Jabez' little prayer for himself shifts paradigms and transforms worlds.

Jabez stands out in the Bible not for any major accomplishment of his, nor for any outstanding character or personality trait he possessed, but for this one little prayer he made. he is actually mentioned only once in probably the most boring part of the Bible, in Chronicles, where the writer lists a long catalogue of names and their descendants. but the writer pauses in his droning when he comes to Jabez, and mentions the fact that he is more honorable than his brothers, that his name means "pain" because his mother bore him in pain, and then, of course, the little prayer he prayed. after this, the writer continues with his long ancestral cataloguing again.

Wilkinson points out that things started out badly for Jabez (imagine being named "Pain"!) but because of this one extraordinary prayer, things turned out extraordinarily well. Wilkinson points out how Jabez' prayer is an example of supreme childlike faith in the Bigness and Generosity and Wisdom of an All-Loving God, who yearns to give us Abundance if only we ask for it and long for it and seek for it, if only we will it.

And, looking back at the past three years of my life, things have turned out extraordinary well indeed!

when i started out praying the Jabez prayer daily, these were only what my heart desired--

1. to survive and keep a home and a life for my self and my children; earn enough on my own to take care of my kids and i;
2. to update bills;
3. to pay off all debts from the marriage (the deal was i get the house and the kids but i get to pay all debts too) and get back on my feet again;
4. to at least get the annulment case underway as soon as possible; and
5. to learn more about men and life and love and become wiser next time.

at the end of three years and looking back at how ive journeyed so far, here is what i actually got--

1. got out of survival mode; am actually now developing multiple income streams from my research, writing and consultancy!
2. bills updated; sometimes i even pay in advance! : )
3. all but one (credit card) debt has been paid, and which i hope to pay off by the end of this year;
4. my struggles as a separated woman and a single parent led me to write a children's story which won the Philippine Board of Books for Young People Alfredo Salanga Prize in 2004 and which got published nationally!
5. my marriage actually got annulled without my having to spend a centavo nor appear in court, and in a year and a half's time!
6. a lot of learning about men and life and love, and the cherishing and love of one good man now, and the respect and affection of many friends, both men and women!


what does the Jabez prayer say, and what does it mean in my own translation?

Oh that You would bless me, indeed! (i don't care where i came from or who ive been, who i am or who i could only be based on my past-- bless me, bless me, bless me LOTS!!! You are God, bless me ALL the blessings you can bless me with!!!)

And enlarge my territory; (Guide me as you bless me, God, that i may do more for You and that through me, others may be as blessed too!!!)

That Your Hand would be with me, (Guide me as You bless me God, and help me use Your blessings well...)

And that You would keep me safe from evil. (Keep me away from evil, and keep me away from causing evil to others, too.)

Amen. (So be it!!!)

*****

and here are the desires of my heart for the next three years now--

1. a room of our own, for each of the kids and i, and a more beautiful home together;
2. a better-functioning car or van for the kids and i, so we don't have problems on the road, especially when it rains very hard;
3. pay off the last remaining credit card debt so i am officially financially sound and credit-worthy again (not that i intend to live a credit card lifestyle again! it's more of an external affirmation of my getting back on my feet at last.)
4. a Disneyworld Christmas in 2006 or a Disneyworld Summer (april-may) in 2007 for the kids and i, and so we can visit my mom in Georgia too (i think id rather have the Disneyworld summer, as summer 2007 is also my summer free, i get to go on leave with pay for two months!)
5. the National Commission for Culture and Arts (NCCA) Writer's Grant 2005 (winning the grant means i get to take a paid year off from my day job to just concentrate on writing 15 stories!) and the PBBY Salanga Prize 2006 (write more beautiful, touching and universal stories for children and plant my own little seeds for better futures!)
6. stable and more multiple income streams, so my money can start working for me now, and i can concentrate more on doing what i love more independently (freelance writing, research and consultancy; a simple home life with the kids, being close to nature, learning how to cook and garden well, doing my aikido and belly dancing and my peace studies and literary studies and creative writing ...)

*****

Oh, that You would bless me indeed!
And enlarge my territory;
That Your Hand would be with me,
And that You would keep me safe from evil.

Amen.

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

i did not go to my aikido class last night. i arrived home at about 6pm, too tired and achy to do anything more but shower, eat and sleep.

yet i felt guilty, though; i really was growing to love my aikido lessons, even after only one session. but last night was a "spirit-is-willing-flesh-is-weak" time, and i just consoled my self with the fact that it's my way of taking one step back to take two steps forward next time, by going back to class on wednesday with more focus and energy.

i guess i was tired out from a 5-hour long chat with two old girlfriends yesterday. we had lunch, then later moved on to coffee and sweet cakes.

they did most of the talking while i just listened. both are unhappily married (well, one claims to be "working it out" but her snide remarks of her husband betrays her true feelings) and were naturally so involved in analyzing their angst and problems with their men. i just sat and smiled and nodded and affirmed them in any way i could.

but it tired me out, that kind of woe-is-me-when-will-i-be-happy? kind of thinking.

i was suggesting to a friend to take herself out for little treats, a spa treatment for instance, or a weekend getaway with her lover... but she immediately put up this huge wall of excuses, which eventually boiled down to whether her husband would allow her to do that for herself!

at that point, i felt exasperated, but i tried to gently chide her, "honey, the only permission you'll ever need to be happy is the permission you give to your self."

Sleeping Well

i am sleeping well these days, particularly since i started my belly dancing (tuesdays and thursdays) and aikido (wednesdays and fridays) lessons (both at 7-8pm).

it's a wonderful kind of sweating out-- i have fun doing it and i exult in my body and my womanhood and my personhood. after the lessons and when i get home, i just take dinner and a quick shower, do homework with the kids, and then sleep a good night's sleep.

i've always been a glutton for sleep, but my sleep has always been light. i am still always ready to jump up in case a little one cries out in her nightmare, or another little one wants to go to the bathroom...

then, too, there are times when my sleep is a "problem-solving" kind of sleep-- i go to sleep with a question in my head and i sleep dreaming about things related to the question. sometimes an immediate solution pops out, sometimes it takes days and nights for a way to reveal itself to me.

but both times, i see now that i even work while i sleep!!! : O

***

these days, though, i sleep like a baby and i wake up refreshed and renewed, calmer and more centered about my day, feeling like there's this strong, palpable powerful part of me again, pulsating quietly but dynamically inside, and untouchable by the world's cares.

it is good to sleep the sleep of an innocent babe again; it feels like coming home, at last.

Law of the Vacuum

it is true; that physical (metaphysical, too?) law that says nothing remains a vacuum for long-- it tends to get filled up any way.

you clean up space in your closet, your room or your house, it eventually gets filled up with whatnots, usually trash. : )

even the famous law of supply and demand in economics admits that--when you have surplus, the "vacuum" from lack of demand is met by lowered prices; when you have shortage, the "vacuum" from lack of supply is met by blackmarket suppliers, or higher prices, or both.

here i was expecting an "easier" life with my resignation from my administrative duties as Chair six months ago; and here i am now busier than ever, but at least with the things i want to do for my self and my future and my children's future. : )

there's my online MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies course, in addition to my freelance writing projects, and now, an offer from my aunt to revamp their business website as an online copywriter. i hear the new name for it now is "website content provider." : )

then there are my aikido classes (an elective in our MA course) which i will do wednesdays and fridays starting next week, and my belly dance classes with Thea, which we will do tuesdays and thursdays starting next week too. i've always wanted to do belly dancing and when the time to enrol in aikido came up, i figured id enrol in belly dancing too, as sort of a treat for my self every other day, just in case the aikido didnt really make me happy... : (

it's funny, too, how, before, when i was too swamped with administrative work and other people's demands on me, i HAD time and energies left at the end of the day to write on my blogs every day, and even created three different blogs from that beseiged phase! now that my time and my life is my own again, i rarely write on my blogs... : )

maybe i am too busy truly living my life now, as opposed to just wishing and dreaming about the kind of life i wanted to live before.

or maybe, too, it's just an adjustment phase, from the old life to this new one, still trying to get my bearings and making sense of where i really am. : )

at least, i am grateful-- the filling up of my vacuum is on my own terms now.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Here's the full text of Steve Job's speech at Stanford University's commencement ceremonies last June 12, 2005. (emphasized parts mine; my favorite parts... : >)

----------------------

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation.

Today I want to tell you three stories from my life.

That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit.

So, why did I drop out? It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife.

Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course."

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents savings were being spent on my college tuition.

After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life.

So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it.

And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on.

Let me give you one example: Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating. None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life.

But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography.

If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky - I found what I loved to do early in life.

Woz and I started Apple in my parents' garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation- the Macintosh - a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired.

How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out.

And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating. I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley.

But something slowly began to dawn on me - I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything.

It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life. During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife.

Pixar went on to create the world's first computer animated feature film, "Toy Story", and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did.

You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work.

And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.

So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for "prepare to die".

It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it.

And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away.

Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called "The Whole Earth Catalog", which was one of the bibles of my generation.

It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras.

It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stewart and his team put out several issues of "The Whole Earth Catalog", and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue.

It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous.

Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

It was their farewell message as they signed off.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Old and New

that's what im feeling these days-- old and new at the same time.

old like soul-weary old-- been there, done that, seen all, heard all, accept all with tolerance and magnanimity.

at 37 i seem to have lived a lifetime already: from sheltered and naive young lady to guileless trophy wife to fiercely loving mother to brave and wisened separada to passionate (and many times, foolish) lover, to bright and rising career woman... and now, it is just... me.

what else is there left for me to do?

yet, at 37, too, i stand poised at the edge of new explorations and new discoveries, not so much about my self now but about the world and engaging my powers with the world. i am free again, and free at last, to just be me, to live life on my own terms now, and to lovingly handcraft my life as i see fit.

i am feeling these days both like an old crone and a young girl all at once, not to mention a woman peaking in her powers.

but, at the same time, it is the loneliest feeling in the world-- to not really belong anywhere, neither here nor there, but always to be somebody in between, a mix of everything and nothing all at once, understanding and knowing everyone yet not being understood nor known by anyone...

blessed and cursed at the same time.

sigh.

Fatherless Day

in anticipation of Father's Day on sunday, Bea's preschool class wanted to celebrate it today with a special activity where fathers are supposed to come to school and play games and do learning activities with their kids.

Bea's teacher gave me the note yesterday, and as i read it my heart sank. i told her frankly that Bea's father and i are annulled and that he doesn't live with us anymore. she said we could bring any other adult male member of the family, like an uncle or grandfather. i flatly told her that Bea's grandfather is not physically fit enough to join the activities, and that her uncle is far away in Manila. the teacher lamely asked us to just ... "try".

even during our marriage, it was one big production to just coax the ex to attend his children's school activities. when he did, he always acted as if he should be somewhere else with better things to do, that ive learned to not expect him to deliver anyway, even if i keep the invitations coming, out of a basic respect for his right to be their father, whether he exercises that right or not. but yesterday, the thought of inviting him again, and getting a refusal again, just really depressed me, that i decided to not even bother.

while driving home, i ran through my head who i could invite. there are platonic male friends and colleagues, but the thought of how Bea would take it and how my male friends would take it tired me out. ours is still a conservative society and i haven't exactly introduced my friends to my children, much less put them together to face other people.

i thought of my brother-in-law and i was almost sure he would agree, as my sister would help in convincing him (not that it would take a lot of convincing), but considering that he's still recovering from his accident with his one leg left, and their own concerns, too, i felt it would be too much of an imposition. i did bring the matter up with Bea though and she smiled at the thought of having her Tito Ping come instead.

so that was almost settled. i planned to talk to him later in the evening when he and my sister would pick me up for a meeting, even as i also planned to go to the Mall on my way home late in the afternoon to buy the materials Bea's teacher requested me to prepare.

but it rained heavily yesterday, and i have trouble driving in my old car, not being able to see clearly, with the water leaking into the car. going to the Mall became too much extra trouble, so i didnt go after all but went straight home.

then too, i had a late night meeting with the top officers of the local chinese chamber of commerce for a writing project they wanted me to do but which i really didnt want to do (considering my already loaded writing projects schedule), with my sister facilitating the meeting. i thought that would have been a good time to bring the matter up with my sister and my brother-in-law... but then i remembered i didnt't have all the materials prepared... and the meeting taxed me too much...

then too, it broke my heart yesterday when Bea innocently told me in the car that she tried "negotiating" with her teacher to let her Big Brother come instead. the teacher initially said yes, but when she found out that her Big Brother was still small-- our 7-year-old Paolo-- the teacher withdrew her yes. : (

on our way home, she thought deeply and said, "Ma, you could come instead. you're our father, too... you bring us food and pay our bills and keep us safe, don't you?"

i smiled at the thought, although it further broke my heart, but i kept that idea in reserve. ... yes, why the hell not? : )

but today, i woke up just plain tired and groggy, with not enough spirit and no chutzpah at all to go through with it.

so finally, Bea and i decided that she just will not go to school today.

:(

Queer Eye

i spent the whole morning unpacking stuff from my former office and reorganizing them at home. between one garbage bag (i placed the stuff in garbage bags) and another, i would rest for a while, go online, check for emails, sign out, and surf the tv for something interesting.

by the third bag, i was hooked on this new show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. the five happy queers in the show were "making over" a middle-aged biker guy in time for his renewal of vows with his wife of 26 years (well, they were technically married for only 10 but have since then deepened their love and friendship for each other after their divorce!).

it was fun seeing the gay men teach the biker guy fashion and grooming and even cake decoration and ring selection, with the biker guy just going along grinning shyly and saying, "yeah", or "intense". the show took a surprisingly wonderful turn when they brought the biker guy to a salon and had his long hair and beard of ten years cut and groomed-- the guy looked like a movie star, clean shaven!

his grown children oohed and ahhed at his transformation, but what touched me most was his gamely going along with the queers, doing his best for his lady love, donning on new non-biker wardrobes, baking her a cake, and assigning his grown-up children other pre-ceremony stuff. his self-written vows were awkward but sweet; it was raining that day of the ceremony and he compared their lives to the downpour, and her as the eternal sun shining behind the dark clouds.

in the end, the show made me cry, but in a good way. here's this biker family, all gruff and non-sentimental, showing the world what real love could be.

*****

i'm done sorting through my garbage bags. now on to the book shelves.

This Ordinary Life

family and friends ask me how im doing right now, but what can i say, really, without boring them to death about my excitement for what they consider as "the ordinary life"?

i have more time for my self and my children now. i can sleep when everyone else does, and wake up when everyone else does, not at the usual sleeping at 8pm waking at 2am kind of life i have been used to for more than a decade.

i can enjoy weekends now, just lounging around doing what i pleased, eating when i wanted, or sleeping when i felt like it, not spend my weekends still working at home, catching up on endless work backlog, and trying to be a step or two ahead of next week's, next month's work deadlines.

i have just enough money to provide for our needs now, and i feel blessed for that. i can make plans and dreams for things id like the children and i to have in the next few months, and even years, because i have the resources now to plan that far ahead. gone were the days when even thinking about where tomorrow's meal would come from was a major challenge.

i have been working for as far back as i can remember, maybe starting at age 6, when i learned to count, and was made to help out in my parents' general merchandise business. i remember when it was a tremendous source of guilt for me and my siblings to be caught lounging around or sleeping the day off, when there were a lot of chores to do at home and for the business. i can count on the fingers of my hand the few times i was able to sneak out to catch a movie with friends, much less go on dates all throughout my growing up years.

marriage didnt improve things either. i not only had to take care of my children as they came and grew, i also had to take care of a child in a man's body who expected the world to revolve around him.

giving, giving, giving....

only one who's also been where i've been can truly understand and appreciate my quiet exultation now at the ordinary things i am able to do for my self, at my own pace, in my own way.

i can watch tv again at my leisure now, and i am starting to rekindle a keen interest for my oldtime favorites, Oprah and The Lifestyle Channel. : ) i even see my self learning how to cook at last (!) and looking at house and furnishings designs, too... i am rediscovering unread books in my book shelves, and reconnecting with old friends even as i make new ones.

the struggling life is over. things seem to be just coming to me now without my having to strive hard for them, and they are the things that arouse my deepest desires and passions too. i am content to just be me, and let things come as they will, and let them go too when it's time.

i am feeling like i have grown so many eons older, yet also newly born, with my life opening up to all sorts of possibilities.

somebody asked me some days ago, how my life is like these days, and all i could blurt out was, "now i know what a retiree feels like!" : ) my friend smiled and giggled but she looked confused too, thinking it must be a bad thing, when i meant it to be a good thing.

but how could i explain?

... this ordinary life, this rich, meaningful, joyful, blessed ordinary life.

What Is Better Than Being Rich?

"I have found that I cannot predict the stock market except over very long periods. I cannot tell you when the housing bubble will burst - only that it will burst. I cannot tell you when the dollar will stop rallying - only that it will stop. So I cannot tell you anything that, in a few minutes, will tell you how to be rich.

"But I can tell you how to feel rich, which is far better, let me tell you firsthand, than being rich. Be grateful. ... Be grateful about everything and you'll feel a lot richer than the billionaires I know who are always moaning about everything that happens and who lament, like King Canute, that they cannot control the waves of the market or the business cycle."

- Ben Stein, writing in The New York Times

*****

that is how i feel these days, more than being rich. : ) ... life works out for the best, God is good, dreams can come true, anything is possible.

and it's a kind of feeling no one can take away from me now.

Free

i received a surprise visit from the ex today, the surprise mostly coming from the fact that he finally dared to enter the house in my presence. he usually just stops by the gate and relays whatever messages he has for me through the maid.

today, though, to his credit, he was man enough to face me, and hand me a set of papers from The Court himself, my copy of The Court's decision on our Petition for the Declaration of Nullity of Marriage:

...WHEREFORE, Premises Considered, based on the foregoing citations and/or jurisprudence and under the "totality rule" this Court is safe to decree that the marriage between the plaintiff and the defendant on 16 May 1992 is null and void ab initio and the parties are restored to their former civil status.

Let copies of this Decision be furnished the Office of the Local Civil Registrar of Bacolod City, Negros Occidental, the Office of the Solicitor General, Manila, the Office of the City Prosecutor, Bacolod City, the parties and counsel for their guidance.

SO ORDERED.

Bacolod City, Philippines, 17 May 2005.

*****

thirteen years to the very day.

Precious Moments

this is only my second day living an "ordinary" life again, but i am seeing how i let my life be held hostage for four years serving other people, to the detriment of my own personal wellbeing.

i treat everything with wonder and amazement now, like i'm seeing, hearing, doing it for the first time, and i savor each moment and the varied textures of each moment, slowly, langourously, even if the act is something as ordinary as soaping my self while showering, or chewing my food well when im eating, or wiping the dust off my books and rearranging them in their shelf.

i look upon my life with more awareness of its preciousness now, feeling more protective and nurturing, like a mother would her new baby...

im not going to mortgage my life to other so-called "success" things again.

Today

today, i celebrate my Freedom by spoiling my self the whole day. : D

it is 6am now and im just about done with my emails.

i am going out for a long morning walk in a while.

then i'll come back to savor a big breakfast and a loong shower.

then i go to the facial clinic for some long overdue facial pampering.

after that i go to the beauty parlor next door to the clinic for a hot oil treatment on my hair, even as i have a foot spa and my nails done.

by then, it will be lunch, and im taking my self out on a date to my favorite pasta restaurant.

then, i'll have good, rich mocha caramel coffee as i further wind down and relax...

to cap the day off with a good long sauna and full body massage at my favorite spa!

mmmmmmm.... hhhuuugggssss to me!

happy birthday, new life.