i remember this line now from an old poem, Don't Quit, that Mama used to post around our "home" (the dinghy mezzanine floor above our store in the public market) while we were growing up (she liked to post a lot of quotes and poems on living life the best and noblest and highest way, despite our miserable physical surroundings...), as i am struck now by how queerly indeed my life has twisted and turned, especially in the past year.
first, i decided to take an unpaid year's leave off from university work, just to rest, relax, and follow my bliss. people thought i had lots of moolah stashed for the full 12 months ahead; they thought i was kidding when i said i was living in God's Grace month to month (i was)!
in June, a love which i thought to be The Love of My Life turned sour, but i consciously resolved not to take it like a victim and to keep my faith and hope for True Love still pure and unsullied instead... and then i met B on July 1, on his birthday!!! : )
then there was the awarding ceremony for my second national book award at the Cultural Center of the Philippines last July, and the fun radio interview out of town, which my kids enjoyed as much as i did (the radio station treated us like superstars, with our own coaster to fetch and bring us back to the hotel and wherever else we wanted to go after the interview).
after that was a children's literature conference i attended where i expected to just be a participant but ended up being like a "grand finale" speaker which got the audience very hyped up and involved.
then the U.S. visa interview with my sis, where the visa officer just asked us questions, didn't even look at the rest of the documents we brought, and then granted us 10-year multiple entry visas each!
then the fun, special bonding time with Mama in the States last Sept-Oct, where we got to relive our teenage years again and fill in the "missing link" in our lives (Mama left us when we were teenagers). we didn't know it was to be our last time with her together, but i think now that she knew all along.
then i come back here in October to have my books launched at The Negros Museum, along with the museum's Storytelling Program, in the midst of the Masskara Festival.
in December to February, both Papa and Mama got seriously sick, having to go in and out of the hospital several times, until they couldn't leave the hospital anymore. Papa was last admitted on Jan. 16, while Mama on Jan. 29. Papa died on feb. 20, and Mama on march 10.
taking care of both, first here in Bacolod, then there in Atlanta, Georgia, was both special and surreal in itself. it was special because i discovered that one gets to forge and develop a new, adult relationship with one's parents one never had before when they were physically healthy and well. now that the tables are turned and they are dependent on you and you are taking care of them, the masks fall off, and you just relate to each other as full human beings in all your best and worst, and you find that if you just show up for them everyday anyway, just dig in there and continue to care for them the best way you can despite the arguments and the rehashing of unfinished business, the Love and Laughter remain and only grow stronger and unbreakable in the end. i would never have exchanged those last moments with Papa and Mama for all the world. it was the sublimest of benedictions.
and it was also most profoundly healing and special that both Papa and Mama just kept on asking about each other in the end. they were in each other's thoughts, even in their semi-conscious and pained states. how's that for deep Love, huh? : )
my brother, Tope, and my sister, Honey, and i-- we kid each other about our parents being Soulmates after all-- despite their stormy and tempestuous love and lives. but we also quietly know that all jokes contain a deep truth in them; we just joke about them because we could only comfortably take them in joke form; the deep truth both scare and awe us so...
yet, it was surreal, too, living in hospitals and around sick and dying people and the medical staff who also help care for them for three months, and then after that, having to deal with the business of funeral homes and cultural and social norms for the dead. it was twilight-zonish, waking up in the morning and not even able to make plans for noontime, because one never knows what happens next. after they died, it was twilight-zonish still, to find that people get so hung up about certain practices and arrangements (and money, yes, money!) and that they can even be the source of a lot of family and friends' dramatics and melodramatics.
in the midst of it all, i was asked to submit a proposal for an international conference, and found out later in April, that i received a full grant for my paper presentation proposal. so now i have been applying for my Schengen visa to Belgium, as well as preparing my paper for the conference.
in the midst of it all, too, B and i found time to be with each other, just the two of us, and it was a most special, special healing and sweet time.
then, there was the most welcome trip to New Jersey and New York, the bonding with cousins we last saw when we were children, and of course, conquering The Big Apple on our own. it was a most precious, healing gift from Tito Tony and Tita Melvi, more than they will ever know...
coming back home, i decided to beautify my home with part of the inheritance funds i received from Papa's estate. so since April, i have been living in home depots and hardware stores most times of the day. : )
now, i am looking forward to spending more special time with B again when his summer vacation starts, even as i prepare to go back to university teaching, refreshed and renewed in my zeal for the calling.
this afternoon, my publisher's staff communicated with me for a single-parenting talk they plan to do in July, a day before i leave for Belgium, and in which i have been invited to speak and share.
then i come home to find an email from Lifestyle Network who wants me to be a guest in their show! ;O
whew.
***
a friend asked me once how i was, and we both laughed when i said, "i'm mastering the art of winging it!"
but it's true. i am discovering now how life is so strange, all the best-laid intelligent plans can fall apart in a moment. no use stressing over the minutiae of the how-tos.
just focus on what brings you joy, and live more of them each moment each day. the rest, just wing it. ; )
true security is found inside, in your knowing and realization that no matter what happens, you can handle it... not really just because of you alone and the strength of character and life skills you have developed, but because somehow, you are taken care of and provided for, always, by both Seen and Unseen Friends of the heart and soul...
another friend shared with me a joke quote once, and which i find most apt now--
Life is short. Don't make it shorter!
: ) : ) : )
Friday, May 30, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
NJ and NY Memories, Week 2
Tita Melvi has yet to upload to us the 600plus pics taken from her digicam, so this will have to do for now. (Turn on the music!)
Diary of Week 2--
April 6 - Dinner party at Carteret
April 7 - just stayed at home; i enjoyed doing the laundry on my own, and took a long walk around the neighborhood afterwards
April 8 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park on our own for the first time! visited the Museum of Natural History and just walked half of Central Park and wondered which movies featured which spots (I remembered "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" :> )
April 9 - Italian lunch at a resto in Port Authority; walked down the avenues to get to 42nd Street to watch "A Chorus Line" (matinee-- the ticket prices are less expensive, and we get near front row seats at that!), then took the subway to Chinatown to meet Tito Tony at Hopkee's where he treated us to dinner. My former IDS student, Andrea Tolentino, met me there too.
April 10 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park again, to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art and walk the other half of Central Park. we temporarily got lost and boarded the train going to Brighton Beach! Heheh. Well, as Mama used to say, "The best way to finding your way is by getting lost first."
April 11 - Tita Vicky took us to Menlo Park Mall. We watched "Smart People" there and I bought a bear and her clothes at Bear Boutique for our niece, little Angela, Tope's only child and the baby in the family. Later in the evening, Tito Tony and Tita Melvi took Honey, Elmer (our cousin, their youngest, Cecille (Tita Melvi's best buddy) and I out to a Hibashi dinner.
April 12 - lunch (I had "dinuguan"! I missed "dinuguan"!) at Tita Vicky's house, on our way to our cousin Albert and his wife Judy's place at Nutley, where we hung out with cute babies Anna (Al's and Judy's darling) and Kylie, cousin Linus and his wife, Dalia (parents of enigmatic Kylie : > ), and Elmer (who has yet to find his one and only somewhere out there) -- and Tito Tony, Tita Melvi and Cecille. We ended the day with a wonderfully sumptous dinner, both for the palate and tummy, and for the heart and soul!
P.S. to Week 2 --
April 13 - lunch at King's Chef, then flew back to Atlanta via Continental Air. For a while there, we almost got bumped off and I was already wondering if I could buy Victoria's Secret lingerie with the $300 voucher Continental Air would be giving us... well, when you get lemons, make lemonade! : D
April 14 and 15 - Honey and I just stayed home at East Point, to wind down even as we finished the last of the packing for all Mama's stuff to be sent home via Balikbayan Boxes, as well as our luggages.
April 16 - Mama's wonderfully fun friend, Darling Manching, drove us to the malls for Honey's last-minute shopping, and then we had a wonderful early dinner at their charming home in Peachtree City that late afternoon. Dinner: American-style pork chops and Filipino-style dried salted fish and steamed shrimps with achara. Guess which dishes won out? : )
Later in the evening, back home at East Point, after Carmen and I finished our butterfly orders for shipping, Carmen took us out to do our laundry for the last time, en route to the post office.
April 17 - Mama's friends Elmer and Lolit Cortez invited us (Dad Larry, Honey and I, as well as their best friend and Mama's friend too, Elvie, and her kids) to dinner at their beautiful home in Fayetteville.
April 18 - for our "despedida" (farewell) dinner, I treated Dad Larry and Honey to a dinner theatre show of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at The New Shakespeare Tavern in downtown Atlanta. : )
It's all been like a dream, alright.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
The Invisible Mother
I got this as a forwarded email from a friend and fellow mother. This is beautiful and makes a ton of sense. To all the wonderful mothers out there! Advanced Happy Mothers' Day!!!
***
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!
***
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
***
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!
***
The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
lucky day, happy day
my tarot.com numeroscope for today--
Jeanette's
Daily Number: 6
Today is a lucky day for you, in which you're likely to experience progress in your career and/or finances. You feel a sense of closeness with relatives and friends, and an overall healing of the heart. Few things could be better.
***
few things could be better, indeed!
i started out the day waking up late after a good night's sleep, having arrived from newark to atlanta at 10pm already last night. i woke up to find an email telling me that the International Peace Research Association (IPRA) had just approved my paper for a full travel grant to present at a conference on peace journalism in Belgium this July!!! : )
then i was so happy and inspired, i finally decided to bake and cook, at the same time, FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY OWN, today, with my sis Honey just standing by to oversee my progress, and i am soo proud of the home-made bread pudding and paella i produced today! Honey and dad Larry both agreed they tasted great, and i know it's not just to please or humor me, because my own taste buds agreed too!
while preparing the ingredients for baking and cooking, my mind was intensely focused too, on planning my kitchen renovation at home when i get back. finally, i am staking a claim to my own kitchen now as i should!
i also daydreamed about how it would be like to be together with my new husband and our children someday soon (i hope), and how i would feed them delicious and healthy and attractive-looking dishes even as i cared for them as a full time homemaker, while i earned from home, too, with my writing and the family's online crafts and exports businesses... : )
then, my long-delayed Amazon order rescheduled for delivery by UPS (because i wasn't here to sign for them) finally arrived today-- Thea's wished for Canon G9
digicam and Shannon Hale book, Book of A Thousand Days; and my own wished for books, especially Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and Mary Oliver's book of poems, American Primitive!!!
ohhhh, this has been a day of delicious and abundant food-- food for the mind, food for the body, and food for the heart and soul!
thank you, God.
Spring has indeed come into my life again, at last.
Jeanette's
Daily Number: 6
Today is a lucky day for you, in which you're likely to experience progress in your career and/or finances. You feel a sense of closeness with relatives and friends, and an overall healing of the heart. Few things could be better.
***
few things could be better, indeed!
i started out the day waking up late after a good night's sleep, having arrived from newark to atlanta at 10pm already last night. i woke up to find an email telling me that the International Peace Research Association (IPRA) had just approved my paper for a full travel grant to present at a conference on peace journalism in Belgium this July!!! : )
then i was so happy and inspired, i finally decided to bake and cook, at the same time, FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY OWN, today, with my sis Honey just standing by to oversee my progress, and i am soo proud of the home-made bread pudding and paella i produced today! Honey and dad Larry both agreed they tasted great, and i know it's not just to please or humor me, because my own taste buds agreed too!
while preparing the ingredients for baking and cooking, my mind was intensely focused too, on planning my kitchen renovation at home when i get back. finally, i am staking a claim to my own kitchen now as i should!
i also daydreamed about how it would be like to be together with my new husband and our children someday soon (i hope), and how i would feed them delicious and healthy and attractive-looking dishes even as i cared for them as a full time homemaker, while i earned from home, too, with my writing and the family's online crafts and exports businesses... : )
then, my long-delayed Amazon order rescheduled for delivery by UPS (because i wasn't here to sign for them) finally arrived today-- Thea's wished for Canon G9
digicam and Shannon Hale book, Book of A Thousand Days; and my own wished for books, especially Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and Mary Oliver's book of poems, American Primitive!!!ohhhh, this has been a day of delicious and abundant food-- food for the mind, food for the body, and food for the heart and soul!
thank you, God.
Spring has indeed come into my life again, at last.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
today's quote
Don’t be discouraged by a failure. ...Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.
John Keats (1795-1821)
Poet
John Keats (1795-1821)
Poet
Monday, April 07, 2008
NJ and NYC Memories, Week 1
March 29 - arrived Newark airport at around 8am; went to Beacon (Jonas' and Jen's place) after depositing luggage at Carteret
March 30 - went to international car show at Javits Center with Al and Judy and Jonas and Jen, then met up with Linus and Dalia for an Italian dinner at Nonna's; we had our first view of Times Square and Central Park from the car, as Jonas drove us around to point the sights to us
March 31 - stayed at home, puttered around, read, wrote, rested
April 1 - lunch buffet at Filipino restaurant, Colonia's, with Tito Sonny and Tita Vicky Quisumbing; then accompanied Tita Vicky to Walmart for some shopping
April 2 - first bus ride to and from NYC with Cecille, walked up and down 5th to 8th avenues and assisted Cecille as she visited a business contact for costume jewelry distribution
April 3 - stayed at home and read and slept; down with heavy period, felt extremely homesick; chat with B helped a lot
April 4 - dinner at Quisumbing's house in Carteret, too, just a 15-minute ride away
April 5 - Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty Tour
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Ellis Island
for the first time since i came to America last September yet, today i felt that i am finally in the real America, its heart and soul, that is, not its flashy accoutrements.
because of a wonderfully perfect sunny yet cool day today, despite dire weather forecasts of a rainy, even a stormy day, tito tony suggested to my sister, honey, and i that he take us to Liberty Park, to join in the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferry tour. we quickly agreed, although i had my private reservations.
these days, i have just been wanting to stay home and read, or surf the net and do my emails, or watch movies, not really go out and/or socialize-- just clock time until we go home again. so, half of me hated being pulled away from home this morning, but im glad i let the other half agree to the tour.
before getting there, tito tony even suggested that we skip the Ellis Island tour (he said most tourists aren't familiar with Ellis Island anyway) and just stay on the ferry to go straight to the Statue of Liberty. but once there, honey and i decided to step down anyway and explore it, just out of curiousity's sake.
Ellis Island is where around 70% of immigrants to the United States were processed, before it closed in 1954.
as soon as i stepped into the hallowed front hall of the Ellis Island Museum, and was greeted by large black and white pictures of immigrants in the 1880-1924 peak immigration exodus, along with sample artifacts of the kinds of luggage they brought with them-- i was just suddenly overwhelmed with feeling and i choked with tears.
my first thought was, "oh my god, B's ancestors must have stepped into this same hall too almost 100 years ago!"
as i explored the 3-storey museum, from listening to the very dramatic rendition of the tour guide, to my own wanderings in and out of the many exhibits all over the three floors, reading the quotes from Ellis Island immigrants interviewed in the mid-1980s during the Island's restoration as well as listening to taped interviews with some of them-- i cried quietly even as my heart broke, realizing the struggles and suffering all these immigrants from different countries had to go through even as they pursued their fragile hopes and dreams.
the Filipino Diaspora isn't as unique as i've always thought and felt it was.
of course, intellectually, i understood that many people from all over the world immigrate to other countries, especially America, to build a better life for themselves and their families, but it never hit home for me, until today.
i learned that basically, regardless of race, creed, sex, age and background, all immigrants who came to America before shared the same stories of leaving families and precious histories and cultures behind because of extreme poverty, deprivation due to totalitarian governments, atrocities, war... and they made America the great nation it became (until recently).
i was struck by one quote i read from an Italian immigrant who said (paraphrased): "They told us America was paved with roads of gold. When I came to America, I found out 3 things: there was no gold, it was not paved, and we were expected to build the roads."
i saw America with newer eyes, with a newfound respect and appreciation for its people who built it. i am saying this in contrast to my developed anti-American sentiment from my college activist anti-U.S. bases, anti-U.S. imperialism days : ), which was itself a 180-degree turn from my childhood adoration of Hollywood America as the land where all dreams came true.
in the end, as i shared this insight with honey, i truly felt and understood now too when i also said, "the American government is not the American people."
until today, whenever family and friends would tour us around sights and monuments and memorials, i was curious and interested, but still distant and detached. my attitude was, "okay... hmmm... interesting... and then?... so what?... or, hohum... next please..."
until today, i never really felt like i was in America, but just in another developed country, with all these interesting sights and foreign-looking people to see and interact with.
until today, i merely tolerated being in America.
at the end of the tour, in the lawn outside the Museum, honey interviewed me on video with the cam she brought while we were waiting for our ferry back. she laughed when i said, "I am proud to be an American now, even if I'm not an American!"
when we got home, she told tita melvi, "today, Manang (me; Ilonggo term of endearment for "older sister") just fell in love with America!"
:)
because of a wonderfully perfect sunny yet cool day today, despite dire weather forecasts of a rainy, even a stormy day, tito tony suggested to my sister, honey, and i that he take us to Liberty Park, to join in the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferry tour. we quickly agreed, although i had my private reservations.
these days, i have just been wanting to stay home and read, or surf the net and do my emails, or watch movies, not really go out and/or socialize-- just clock time until we go home again. so, half of me hated being pulled away from home this morning, but im glad i let the other half agree to the tour.
before getting there, tito tony even suggested that we skip the Ellis Island tour (he said most tourists aren't familiar with Ellis Island anyway) and just stay on the ferry to go straight to the Statue of Liberty. but once there, honey and i decided to step down anyway and explore it, just out of curiousity's sake.
Ellis Island is where around 70% of immigrants to the United States were processed, before it closed in 1954.
as soon as i stepped into the hallowed front hall of the Ellis Island Museum, and was greeted by large black and white pictures of immigrants in the 1880-1924 peak immigration exodus, along with sample artifacts of the kinds of luggage they brought with them-- i was just suddenly overwhelmed with feeling and i choked with tears.
my first thought was, "oh my god, B's ancestors must have stepped into this same hall too almost 100 years ago!"
as i explored the 3-storey museum, from listening to the very dramatic rendition of the tour guide, to my own wanderings in and out of the many exhibits all over the three floors, reading the quotes from Ellis Island immigrants interviewed in the mid-1980s during the Island's restoration as well as listening to taped interviews with some of them-- i cried quietly even as my heart broke, realizing the struggles and suffering all these immigrants from different countries had to go through even as they pursued their fragile hopes and dreams.
the Filipino Diaspora isn't as unique as i've always thought and felt it was.
of course, intellectually, i understood that many people from all over the world immigrate to other countries, especially America, to build a better life for themselves and their families, but it never hit home for me, until today.
i learned that basically, regardless of race, creed, sex, age and background, all immigrants who came to America before shared the same stories of leaving families and precious histories and cultures behind because of extreme poverty, deprivation due to totalitarian governments, atrocities, war... and they made America the great nation it became (until recently).
i was struck by one quote i read from an Italian immigrant who said (paraphrased): "They told us America was paved with roads of gold. When I came to America, I found out 3 things: there was no gold, it was not paved, and we were expected to build the roads."
i saw America with newer eyes, with a newfound respect and appreciation for its people who built it. i am saying this in contrast to my developed anti-American sentiment from my college activist anti-U.S. bases, anti-U.S. imperialism days : ), which was itself a 180-degree turn from my childhood adoration of Hollywood America as the land where all dreams came true.
in the end, as i shared this insight with honey, i truly felt and understood now too when i also said, "the American government is not the American people."
until today, whenever family and friends would tour us around sights and monuments and memorials, i was curious and interested, but still distant and detached. my attitude was, "okay... hmmm... interesting... and then?... so what?... or, hohum... next please..."
until today, i never really felt like i was in America, but just in another developed country, with all these interesting sights and foreign-looking people to see and interact with.
until today, i merely tolerated being in America.
at the end of the tour, in the lawn outside the Museum, honey interviewed me on video with the cam she brought while we were waiting for our ferry back. she laughed when i said, "I am proud to be an American now, even if I'm not an American!"
when we got home, she told tita melvi, "today, Manang (me; Ilonggo term of endearment for "older sister") just fell in love with America!"
:)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
surreal
that's how my life has been since the start of this year: surreal.
first, there was papa's hospitalization and amputation, which necessisated a one-month stay in the hospital, until he died last feb. 20. then, there was mama's hospitalization from stroke, too, two weeks after papa was hospitalized.
the day after papa was buried on feb. 25, i flew to Atlanta, Georgia, to be with mama, who was still in the hospital. she died on march 10, two weeks too after papa died.
then, there was the very wonderful and specially healing time spent with B, a week after we buried mama.
now, my sister and i are here in new jersey with an uncle and his family, discovering new jersey and new york, and rediscovering old cousins and cousins of cousins everyday.
from the depths of grief, to the heights of joys, and now stretching the limits of our world by venturing into new worlds, all in a space of 3 months-- i find my self just cresting the waves of my life each day as they come.
i have learned not to make too detailed plans anymore, not even for tonight, much less for the next day or next week, as i am learning that life can change in an instant. i have learned to just go with the flow, and let what comes, comes, and just deal with them as they come.
i have finally learned to let go of the last vestiges of anxiety and worry, as they really are useless anyway, just extra burden on one's energies and spirit. life comes as it is; being anxious about it and worrying about what comes next does not make you any more prepared or peaceful or happy.
i am learning to trust in my own inner resources-- my intelligence and wit and wisdom and gifts of insight and discernment to see my way through, and work my way through peacefully and happily, even when outer circumstances are so chaotic. in short, i am perfecting the art of "winging it"! : )
i have ceased to question why, well even before this year, but more so during this year. i have learned to trust that whatever happens, i can handle it, i am well taken care of and provided for by both seen and unseen angels and loving spirits in my life, and that the answers will come when i'm ready for them. if the answers don't come, that is fine with me too, i just live the Mystery as best as i can, bringing my whole self into it, and living my depth.
in all these, Life for me now has taken on a new richness, a deeper meaning, and a more beautiful and wondrous poignancy and delicacy to it.
i think now that my mind, heart, soul and even body are being stretched out for more spaces to accommodate more of Life and the mystery and magic that it unfolds, each moment, every day.
in all these, thank you, God.
first, there was papa's hospitalization and amputation, which necessisated a one-month stay in the hospital, until he died last feb. 20. then, there was mama's hospitalization from stroke, too, two weeks after papa was hospitalized.
the day after papa was buried on feb. 25, i flew to Atlanta, Georgia, to be with mama, who was still in the hospital. she died on march 10, two weeks too after papa died.
then, there was the very wonderful and specially healing time spent with B, a week after we buried mama.
now, my sister and i are here in new jersey with an uncle and his family, discovering new jersey and new york, and rediscovering old cousins and cousins of cousins everyday.
from the depths of grief, to the heights of joys, and now stretching the limits of our world by venturing into new worlds, all in a space of 3 months-- i find my self just cresting the waves of my life each day as they come.
i have learned not to make too detailed plans anymore, not even for tonight, much less for the next day or next week, as i am learning that life can change in an instant. i have learned to just go with the flow, and let what comes, comes, and just deal with them as they come.
i have finally learned to let go of the last vestiges of anxiety and worry, as they really are useless anyway, just extra burden on one's energies and spirit. life comes as it is; being anxious about it and worrying about what comes next does not make you any more prepared or peaceful or happy.
i am learning to trust in my own inner resources-- my intelligence and wit and wisdom and gifts of insight and discernment to see my way through, and work my way through peacefully and happily, even when outer circumstances are so chaotic. in short, i am perfecting the art of "winging it"! : )
i have ceased to question why, well even before this year, but more so during this year. i have learned to trust that whatever happens, i can handle it, i am well taken care of and provided for by both seen and unseen angels and loving spirits in my life, and that the answers will come when i'm ready for them. if the answers don't come, that is fine with me too, i just live the Mystery as best as i can, bringing my whole self into it, and living my depth.
in all these, Life for me now has taken on a new richness, a deeper meaning, and a more beautiful and wondrous poignancy and delicacy to it.
i think now that my mind, heart, soul and even body are being stretched out for more spaces to accommodate more of Life and the mystery and magic that it unfolds, each moment, every day.
in all these, thank you, God.
Monday, March 24, 2008
A Time of Rebirth
today (still March 23 in Georgia here) is a most beautiful and healing Easter Sunday for me.
Honey and I spent it with what is now our new family, too, the family from our stepdad Larry's side. we not only got to know him and his world better, but we were introduced to real-life Southern charm, hospitality and warmth.
we went to church at Larry's brother Johnny's church at Pitt's Chapel in Macon, where Johnny is a Methodist minister of. Macon is two hours' drive away.
it was my first church service outside a Catholic church and it was beautiful, with the preacher's and choir's old-fashioned gowns and simple rituals and songs and sharing and sermon and all. i've attended services other than by Catholic priests but they were always in modern, big-city venues like office buildings or seminar halls or even beaches and gardens, but not in an old-fashioned wooden church building like Pitt's Chapel. think Laura Ingalls and The Little House on the Prairie and you'll get an idea of what i mean.
then, we went to a wonderfully delicious Old South home-cooked lunch at Johnny's wife's sister's home in a farm ensconced by forests. the dishes were delicious; i just couldn't memorize their names, though. they were made of simple everyday crops like squash and carrots and beans but they looked grand and tasted sumptous!
their house looked like those old Southern houses in the country one sees on tv or in films, where there are real wooden rocking chairs by the porch, and the distance from the porch to the kitchen is just 3 or 4 steps away, with all the rooms connecting to the kitchen and the dining room, where everyone gathers to talk, kid around, swap stories, or just say hi on the way in or out.
the children were running around in the wide yard, where there was an old-fashioned fountain made to look like a well with a tin pail pouring water into it. we got to chat with a pretty five-year-old named Olivia Grace, who sidled up to us as Honey and I were browsing the titles in their wall-length bookshelf. Olivia was excited by the fact that she gets to look for the Easter eggs all by herself, as all the rest of her cousins were boys and older and didn't seem interested (maybe she was the only one who still believed in Easter bunnies).
they welcomed us as more than guests and more like family, and it felt warm and good. i even joked and laughed with them, and they with me. it felt even better to realize that despite the differences in skin color and culture and even faith, we shared a common sense of humor about everyday life and witticisms.
it made me see, too, how living with such a warm, faith-centered joyful family could be like, and it made me think and dream of my own complete family again someday...
it is 6:07pm now and we're back home, and i feel refreshed and renewed, ready to take on new beginnings in my life.
Honey and I spent it with what is now our new family, too, the family from our stepdad Larry's side. we not only got to know him and his world better, but we were introduced to real-life Southern charm, hospitality and warmth.
we went to church at Larry's brother Johnny's church at Pitt's Chapel in Macon, where Johnny is a Methodist minister of. Macon is two hours' drive away.
it was my first church service outside a Catholic church and it was beautiful, with the preacher's and choir's old-fashioned gowns and simple rituals and songs and sharing and sermon and all. i've attended services other than by Catholic priests but they were always in modern, big-city venues like office buildings or seminar halls or even beaches and gardens, but not in an old-fashioned wooden church building like Pitt's Chapel. think Laura Ingalls and The Little House on the Prairie and you'll get an idea of what i mean.
then, we went to a wonderfully delicious Old South home-cooked lunch at Johnny's wife's sister's home in a farm ensconced by forests. the dishes were delicious; i just couldn't memorize their names, though. they were made of simple everyday crops like squash and carrots and beans but they looked grand and tasted sumptous!
their house looked like those old Southern houses in the country one sees on tv or in films, where there are real wooden rocking chairs by the porch, and the distance from the porch to the kitchen is just 3 or 4 steps away, with all the rooms connecting to the kitchen and the dining room, where everyone gathers to talk, kid around, swap stories, or just say hi on the way in or out.
the children were running around in the wide yard, where there was an old-fashioned fountain made to look like a well with a tin pail pouring water into it. we got to chat with a pretty five-year-old named Olivia Grace, who sidled up to us as Honey and I were browsing the titles in their wall-length bookshelf. Olivia was excited by the fact that she gets to look for the Easter eggs all by herself, as all the rest of her cousins were boys and older and didn't seem interested (maybe she was the only one who still believed in Easter bunnies).
they welcomed us as more than guests and more like family, and it felt warm and good. i even joked and laughed with them, and they with me. it felt even better to realize that despite the differences in skin color and culture and even faith, we shared a common sense of humor about everyday life and witticisms.
it made me see, too, how living with such a warm, faith-centered joyful family could be like, and it made me think and dream of my own complete family again someday...
it is 6:07pm now and we're back home, and i feel refreshed and renewed, ready to take on new beginnings in my life.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Deliverance
my FREE I-Ching Reading today:
After a thunderstorm, or any period of extreme tension, a period of new clarity and fresh opportunity follows. The storm has the effect of clearing the air and suddenly reducing atmospheric tension. Deliverance is at hand. In the wake of a storm on land, deliverance appears in the form of new color and life, which bursts forth in all the fields and flowers. In the wake of a storm at sea, deliverance takes the form of land itself.
In the field of human relations, the rain of forgiveness washes the human landscape clean after a period of enmity and error. Great clarity of purpose and renewed vigor can follow the healing of old wounds. But care must be taken not to re-open these old wounds by moving too quickly. In the same way, it is important to return to normalcy first before moving ahead with new plans after periods of stress.
Following the resolution of a difficult situation, your first priority, should be to return to normal conditions as quickly as possible. Breathe a sigh of relief, but don't relax completely. It would be a mistake to re-awaken the sleeping dogs of the immediate past before the new situation has crystallized. Look ahead. Attend to any residual matters that need resolution, and do so as quickly as possible. Make a clean sweep of the past, move deliberately, and the future will bring good fortune.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
3 Things
After all is said and done, there are only 3 things that really matter to me now:
1. Good health
2. Healthy, loving relationships
3. Work I love to do and that serves others, too
1. Good health
2. Healthy, loving relationships
3. Work I love to do and that serves others, too
Today's Quote
The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.
-Hans Hofman
-Hans Hofman
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Why Grief Doesn't Have to Hurt Forever
I found this article very moving and helpful. And it rings true for me, too, how I've been experiencing my father's and mother's recent deaths and their aftermaths...
This is the part that rings most true for me--
I now understood (that) if I could deal with the intense anguish from my mother’s death, I could now face any pain that would arise in a close, meaningful relationship. This allowed me to drop my guard and not allow fear to rule my interactions.
I hope it's as helpful to those reading this, too.
God bless us all.
This is the part that rings most true for me--
I now understood (that) if I could deal with the intense anguish from my mother’s death, I could now face any pain that would arise in a close, meaningful relationship. This allowed me to drop my guard and not allow fear to rule my interactions.
I hope it's as helpful to those reading this, too.
God bless us all.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The Butterfly Lady
Leave it to Mama to still generate free publicity even up to the end.
Read it here from the Atlanta Journal Constitution. :)
We had a beautiful funeral for her today (March 14, Atlanta time).
And I sang, too, the song I sang to her that morning she died. My first public debut solo singing performance, at 40! : )
Read it here from the Atlanta Journal Constitution. :)
We had a beautiful funeral for her today (March 14, Atlanta time).
And I sang, too, the song I sang to her that morning she died. My first public debut solo singing performance, at 40! : )
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Mama (May 20, 1943 - March 10, 2008)
i rarely sing, because i think my voice is off-key. but, i managed to sing to Mama again this morning, while i was alone with her in the hospital in the hour right after she passed on in her sleep at 6am, from cardiac arrest, the nurses said.
i was moved to sing to her a song she taught me when i was a little girl, and which i have never heard anywhere else in my life up to now, only from Mama.
When I grow to be a lady
I'll be a queen,
A lovely queen.
Walking in the garden shady
In gowns of green
With silver sheen.
Maids of gold and white shall follow me
and suitors of the high degree.
although my voice broke many times as i sang, i did not sing off-key today.
Goodbye, Mama.
i was moved to sing to her a song she taught me when i was a little girl, and which i have never heard anywhere else in my life up to now, only from Mama.
When I grow to be a lady
I'll be a queen,
A lovely queen.
Walking in the garden shady
In gowns of green
With silver sheen.
Maids of gold and white shall follow me
and suitors of the high degree.
although my voice broke many times as i sang, i did not sing off-key today.
Goodbye, Mama.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
a parable on exits and entrances
I've been reading this book I found in a used bookshop last Feb. 2, when Papa was still in the hospital. It has been helping me cope and come to terms with the struggle of his illness, and then his death, and mama's present illness too, and I hope you find the following parable as healing:
In Why Me?--
From "Gesher Hachayim" by Y. M. Tuckachinsky:
Imagine twins gestating in the mother's womb, speculating and challenging each other with the question, "What will happen to us after we leave the womb?" Since their entire frame of reference is the interior of the womb, there is no way they could conceive through their sense of sight or hearing what their future holds in store for them.
Suppose that one of the twins is a "believer", supported by his traditions that there is a future life in the next world, while the other brother, a "rationalist", accepts only what his logical mind perceives in the here and now. They each take firm stands and debate their respective positions with passion.
Basing his argument on a religious tradition that he is heir to, the believer maintains that when they exit from the womb they will be reborn into a life that is not limiting, that they will eat through their mouths and not be fed through their navels, that they will see a great distance, that they will hear through the funny things on the sides of the head they call ears. Feet will be straightened and they will be walking erect great distances on this planet Earth, in which deep oceans and gentle streams flow, nourishing all living things. Above them will be the wide expanse of heaven containing a golden sun, a silvery moon, and twinkling stars.
The rational twin roars with laughter at his brother, the simpleton. "Incredulous! Are you for real? No one has ever come back from the other side to tell us. It's all a myth. All we know is what our senses perceive, the objective facts that can be tested. Aside from this womb and its limits, the rest is subjective and has no basis in reality. What do you think will happen when you die?" presses the skeptic.
"Clearly," his believing brother answers, "when we exit the space of this world, we will enter into another world."
"Fool!" snaps his brother. "You will fall into an abyss from which you will never return. You will be annihilated as if you've never been."
Suddenly the water in the womb bursts. The rounded womb begins to shake and writhe. The believer makes a precipitous descent, is expelled, and gone from his brother's view.
The rationalist is shocked by his brother's fate and bemoans the tragedy that has befallen him. As he laments his brother's misfortune, he hears a piercing cry and loud shouts from the darkness into which his brother has disappeared. His fears of a terrible end are confirmed.
The skeptical brother is unaware that his supposed dead brother has entered into an exciting new world and that his own turn is near. The wail that he heard was a cry of a baby's health and the commotion was a chorus of congratulations from the doctors and nurses.
From the limited perspective of the fetus left temporarily behind in the womb, his brother had indeed died. He had been brutally torn from the unfamiliar world that provided protection, warmth, and nurture and hurled into the black pit of oblivion and annihilation.
From a larger view, that same event is called "birth". It represents a transition from a smaller world to a larger world, from a world bounded by the womb, where it passively received, to a wide, wide world where activity and free choice and responsibility open one to limitless possibilities.
In Why Me?
--From "Gesher Hachayim" by Y. M. Tuckachinsky:
Imagine twins gestating in the mother's womb, speculating and challenging each other with the question, "What will happen to us after we leave the womb?" Since their entire frame of reference is the interior of the womb, there is no way they could conceive through their sense of sight or hearing what their future holds in store for them.
Suppose that one of the twins is a "believer", supported by his traditions that there is a future life in the next world, while the other brother, a "rationalist", accepts only what his logical mind perceives in the here and now. They each take firm stands and debate their respective positions with passion.
Basing his argument on a religious tradition that he is heir to, the believer maintains that when they exit from the womb they will be reborn into a life that is not limiting, that they will eat through their mouths and not be fed through their navels, that they will see a great distance, that they will hear through the funny things on the sides of the head they call ears. Feet will be straightened and they will be walking erect great distances on this planet Earth, in which deep oceans and gentle streams flow, nourishing all living things. Above them will be the wide expanse of heaven containing a golden sun, a silvery moon, and twinkling stars.
The rational twin roars with laughter at his brother, the simpleton. "Incredulous! Are you for real? No one has ever come back from the other side to tell us. It's all a myth. All we know is what our senses perceive, the objective facts that can be tested. Aside from this womb and its limits, the rest is subjective and has no basis in reality. What do you think will happen when you die?" presses the skeptic.
"Clearly," his believing brother answers, "when we exit the space of this world, we will enter into another world."
"Fool!" snaps his brother. "You will fall into an abyss from which you will never return. You will be annihilated as if you've never been."
Suddenly the water in the womb bursts. The rounded womb begins to shake and writhe. The believer makes a precipitous descent, is expelled, and gone from his brother's view.
The rationalist is shocked by his brother's fate and bemoans the tragedy that has befallen him. As he laments his brother's misfortune, he hears a piercing cry and loud shouts from the darkness into which his brother has disappeared. His fears of a terrible end are confirmed.
The skeptical brother is unaware that his supposed dead brother has entered into an exciting new world and that his own turn is near. The wail that he heard was a cry of a baby's health and the commotion was a chorus of congratulations from the doctors and nurses.
From the limited perspective of the fetus left temporarily behind in the womb, his brother had indeed died. He had been brutally torn from the unfamiliar world that provided protection, warmth, and nurture and hurled into the black pit of oblivion and annihilation.
From a larger view, that same event is called "birth". It represents a transition from a smaller world to a larger world, from a world bounded by the womb, where it passively received, to a wide, wide world where activity and free choice and responsibility open one to limitless possibilities.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
my first snow
i watched my first snow gently falling this morning, right after i woke up and had breakfast. on this international day of celebration for women, too! : )
i consider it a most welcome sign from the heavens, considering the challenges i've been through lately, with papa's month-long hospitalization and eventual demise, and now, mama's own more-than-a-month long hospitalization here now at the Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale, Georgia...
my life's been on hold since then. i just live each day as it comes. one can't really make plans when everything is up in the air and constantly changing...
i can't even make plans for the next day, because each new day that unfolds is always an adventure and a roller-coaster ride with mama. in their own way, these days are special and meaningful and enriching for my relationship with her, and for our souls, although they are very challenging, too... with her memory loss, and diabetes, kidney and heart complications... i am continually called to pour out more loving, and more emptying, than i thought i had it in me to give.
one never knows if each day is the end, or the beginning. most times, it is both.
***
still, better, happier, more stable and hopeful times are coming, my gentle March snow flurries are telling me, in this time between the thawing of winter and the budding of spring.
thank you, God, for this sweet reminder.
i consider it a most welcome sign from the heavens, considering the challenges i've been through lately, with papa's month-long hospitalization and eventual demise, and now, mama's own more-than-a-month long hospitalization here now at the Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale, Georgia...
my life's been on hold since then. i just live each day as it comes. one can't really make plans when everything is up in the air and constantly changing...
i can't even make plans for the next day, because each new day that unfolds is always an adventure and a roller-coaster ride with mama. in their own way, these days are special and meaningful and enriching for my relationship with her, and for our souls, although they are very challenging, too... with her memory loss, and diabetes, kidney and heart complications... i am continually called to pour out more loving, and more emptying, than i thought i had it in me to give.
one never knows if each day is the end, or the beginning. most times, it is both.
***
still, better, happier, more stable and hopeful times are coming, my gentle March snow flurries are telling me, in this time between the thawing of winter and the budding of spring.
thank you, God, for this sweet reminder.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
a sax player will play the tune to this tomorrow, at Papa's funeral.
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.
Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
the other tune he will play is Julio Iglesias' "To All the Girls I've Loved Before". : )
Goodbye, Papa.
I will never forget the lessons you taught, and you will always be in my heart.
And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.
Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.
I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.
Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.
To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.
For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!
the other tune he will play is Julio Iglesias' "To All the Girls I've Loved Before". : )
Goodbye, Papa.
I will never forget the lessons you taught, and you will always be in my heart.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
In Blackwater Woods
by Mary Oliver, American Primitive (Little, Brown and Co., 1984)
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Love remains
one of the last things Mama was doing before she had her stroke was to search the Internet for an electric wheelchair she could charge to her Medicare and send to Papa. one of her last emails to me "complained" about having to fill out so many forms online it made her head ache and her body tired... although it was palpably obvious from her tone that she was enjoying feeling useful and powerful and in some sort of control and significant contribution, too, for a change.
in the last few days here, too, during one of Papa's few waking and lucid moments, he would talk about how it was when Mama gave birth to my sister, Honey, 38 years ago, and was in critical condition due to complications. he would recall snippets of events, like how a nun came up to him and asked for donations, when he was hard pressed to pay for the hospital bills, and how the nun was so obnoxiously aggressive he snapped at her and even told her that if she weren't a nun he would slap her. (that's Papa, alright! :S ) he also recalled how he felt so scared and stressed looking for Mama's Type AB blood all over the city, and even had blood chartered in from Cebu just to save her. the other day, when Honey was with him, he finally asked how Mama was doing in Georgia, and Honey, without really telling him Mama just had a stroke and is in critical condition, told him how she's in the hospital too and suffering so.
...
actually, despite their polar differences in many ways and their stormy 22-year marriage (i can never recall a day of complete peace and rest, it was either up or down, amplified to the nth degree), they are also essentially alike: stubborn, willful, and passionate fighters both who won't take sh_t from anyone.
my brother, Tope, and i, recently texted about this and shared how they also basically just differed in how they expressed these same qualities: she, positively; he, negatively so. we even half-joked in our commiseration: maybe they both are really destined to be together, after all. true soulmates. : )
or maybe, we just want to comfort ourselves and make ourselves feel better with this thought, too.
somehow, though, i have started to sleep well and peacefully again.
Love remains.
in the end, or whatever happens now, i sleep with this knowing.
Love remains.
this may be their finest legacy to us three. after all is said and done and all the detours and journeys taken all around, up and down--
Love remains.
in the last few days here, too, during one of Papa's few waking and lucid moments, he would talk about how it was when Mama gave birth to my sister, Honey, 38 years ago, and was in critical condition due to complications. he would recall snippets of events, like how a nun came up to him and asked for donations, when he was hard pressed to pay for the hospital bills, and how the nun was so obnoxiously aggressive he snapped at her and even told her that if she weren't a nun he would slap her. (that's Papa, alright! :S ) he also recalled how he felt so scared and stressed looking for Mama's Type AB blood all over the city, and even had blood chartered in from Cebu just to save her. the other day, when Honey was with him, he finally asked how Mama was doing in Georgia, and Honey, without really telling him Mama just had a stroke and is in critical condition, told him how she's in the hospital too and suffering so.
...
actually, despite their polar differences in many ways and their stormy 22-year marriage (i can never recall a day of complete peace and rest, it was either up or down, amplified to the nth degree), they are also essentially alike: stubborn, willful, and passionate fighters both who won't take sh_t from anyone.
my brother, Tope, and i, recently texted about this and shared how they also basically just differed in how they expressed these same qualities: she, positively; he, negatively so. we even half-joked in our commiseration: maybe they both are really destined to be together, after all. true soulmates. : )
or maybe, we just want to comfort ourselves and make ourselves feel better with this thought, too.
somehow, though, i have started to sleep well and peacefully again.
Love remains.
in the end, or whatever happens now, i sleep with this knowing.
Love remains.
this may be their finest legacy to us three. after all is said and done and all the detours and journeys taken all around, up and down--
Love remains.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Papa and Mama
it's touch and go for Papa and Mama today.
after a bout of lucidity and extreme talkativeness yesterday afternoon, Papa's blood sugar fell dangerously low last night, his lowest ever, and he is now back to semi-sedation.
Mama hasn't come out of her drugged sleep yet for two days now. She's still in the ICU and they're also still doing dialysis on her even while she sleeps.
today would have been their 42nd wedding anniversary, if they hadn't ended their marriage in 1988.
i had difficulty sleeping again last night. until i let the hot tears flow.
it is always easier to sleep after a good, long cry.
after a bout of lucidity and extreme talkativeness yesterday afternoon, Papa's blood sugar fell dangerously low last night, his lowest ever, and he is now back to semi-sedation.
Mama hasn't come out of her drugged sleep yet for two days now. She's still in the ICU and they're also still doing dialysis on her even while she sleeps.
today would have been their 42nd wedding anniversary, if they hadn't ended their marriage in 1988.
i had difficulty sleeping again last night. until i let the hot tears flow.
it is always easier to sleep after a good, long cry.
Monday, February 04, 2008
questions of the heart
both Papa and Mama are currently in separate hospitals, with Mama in the ICU for her third stroke and Papa just out of surgery for left leg amputation due to diabetes complications-- another and more serious bout of the life-threatening diseases they both seemed to have collected separately after their marriage broke down, 20 years ago.
i go through the motions of making my visits and calls, but i don't really know what to say or do to ease their pain.
i just show up. i figure, somehow, i hope my visits and calls still help.
the other day, i found a used book for sale in the mall, something on change, loss and grief, and im reading it to help me, so i can help them, if i still can.
and then, there are the questions of my heart...
seeing them in pain breaks my heart so, is it better that they continue to live, or die now?
what are their lives about, then?
and who am i (again)?
what is my life about (again)?
what is Life about, then?
these questions haunt me most especially when im in bed at night, should be falling asleep, but can't.
...
they haunt me too, during the day, especially when im alone, driving.
it doesn't help that that day one week ago Papa was to be undergoing surgery and needing Type A+ blood, and it fell upon me to look for the blood, and in my nervousness, i also went in for fasting blood sugar testing, and i recently went back for my tests and found i had 221 mg/dL when the normal range is only 70-110 mg/dL!
more questions assail me...
does that mean im diabetic now too? (both Papa and Mama are)
what if i go their way soon?
what will happen to me?
who will take care of my kids?
what about B and i, and our long and lasting love?
...
i try to take even better care of my self now-- eating more healthily, exercising more regularly, meditating more often, feeding my mind only positive things and consciously thinking positively but-- i am also feeling so onion-skinned these days. sometimes i dread having people so close by. i am afraid that if they just so much as touch me by accident, i would totally come undone.
it's a struggle just holding my self together these days. i feel like a Lego toy with the plug-in parts all loose and unwieldy.
these days, i just want to stay even more at home, and just be close to my kids, and B...
where do i go from here, dear heart?
i go through the motions of making my visits and calls, but i don't really know what to say or do to ease their pain.
i just show up. i figure, somehow, i hope my visits and calls still help.
the other day, i found a used book for sale in the mall, something on change, loss and grief, and im reading it to help me, so i can help them, if i still can.
and then, there are the questions of my heart...
seeing them in pain breaks my heart so, is it better that they continue to live, or die now?
what are their lives about, then?
and who am i (again)?
what is my life about (again)?
what is Life about, then?
these questions haunt me most especially when im in bed at night, should be falling asleep, but can't.
...
they haunt me too, during the day, especially when im alone, driving.
it doesn't help that that day one week ago Papa was to be undergoing surgery and needing Type A+ blood, and it fell upon me to look for the blood, and in my nervousness, i also went in for fasting blood sugar testing, and i recently went back for my tests and found i had 221 mg/dL when the normal range is only 70-110 mg/dL!
more questions assail me...
does that mean im diabetic now too? (both Papa and Mama are)
what if i go their way soon?
what will happen to me?
who will take care of my kids?
what about B and i, and our long and lasting love?
...
i try to take even better care of my self now-- eating more healthily, exercising more regularly, meditating more often, feeding my mind only positive things and consciously thinking positively but-- i am also feeling so onion-skinned these days. sometimes i dread having people so close by. i am afraid that if they just so much as touch me by accident, i would totally come undone.
it's a struggle just holding my self together these days. i feel like a Lego toy with the plug-in parts all loose and unwieldy.
these days, i just want to stay even more at home, and just be close to my kids, and B...
where do i go from here, dear heart?
Friday, February 01, 2008
The Universe is Funny
for around 6 weeks now, as part of my meditations and daily affirmations, i've been creatively visualizing for a certain amount of money to flow into my life, not because i need it desperately but because it would sure help to pay off some things im currently just paying installment on, plus a few other little dreams which would really be nice if they came quicker, like visiting Mama again for her birthday in May, but with all my kids this time.
anyway, after a couple of weeks of trying out and finetuning my affirmation to aid me in my visualization, this was the affirmation i finally came up with that i was comfortable with and that resonated with me--
Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better.
-- even as i creatively visualized my self receiving the money in a small bag i already have prepared, and going around paying off accounts happily, and having my kids and i happily boarding the plane to Atlanta and having happy times with Mama and Larry.
as what usually happens in the manifesting process, certain little "signs of land" start appearing. like my receiving in the mail two new credit cards i don't even remember applying for, but whose credit limit would allow me and the kids to already fund our one-way trip to Atlanta!
i said thank you of course to the Universe, and also reminded her that please, no more debts okay, pure income and cash would be so much more appreciated!
then Papa got hospitalized last Jan. 16, and is still in the hospital up to now, from diabetes complications. first, he was just admitted to have his 3 left small toes amputated but ended up with his needing to have his whole left leg amputated and needing a significant amount of blood transfusion. he is still recovering slowly up to now, but he seemed better yesterday, than the last 5 days after the major leg amputation.
anyway, the point is, because of Papa's health crisis, it fell upon me to temporarily manage his finances and make sure they are alright. so my last two weeks have been mostly spent going to banks and dealing with people there and counting money, either for deposit or for withdrawal.
another major "sign of land"! : ) i recognized that early on. i said to my self, thank you God, for this sign of land, further leading me to the manifesting of my heart's desire! i get to practice counting huge sums of money again and feel what it feels like : ), even as i get to practice dealing with bank people again for large sums of money!
still, the money is not my own, but Papa's.
then it just hit me yesterday while i was walking under the noonday sun-- of course, my affirmation has already come true: this is the equivalent of $nnnnn.nn (even 5x more) ALREADY IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, isn't it?
except that the money is not mine. : ) heehee!!!
ohhhh Universe, youuuuuu!!!
so now i'm further fintetuning my affirmation--
Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already MINE and in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better!
be careful of what you pray for: be specific!!!
; ) : ) : )
anyway, after a couple of weeks of trying out and finetuning my affirmation to aid me in my visualization, this was the affirmation i finally came up with that i was comfortable with and that resonated with me--
Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better.
-- even as i creatively visualized my self receiving the money in a small bag i already have prepared, and going around paying off accounts happily, and having my kids and i happily boarding the plane to Atlanta and having happy times with Mama and Larry.
as what usually happens in the manifesting process, certain little "signs of land" start appearing. like my receiving in the mail two new credit cards i don't even remember applying for, but whose credit limit would allow me and the kids to already fund our one-way trip to Atlanta!
i said thank you of course to the Universe, and also reminded her that please, no more debts okay, pure income and cash would be so much more appreciated!
then Papa got hospitalized last Jan. 16, and is still in the hospital up to now, from diabetes complications. first, he was just admitted to have his 3 left small toes amputated but ended up with his needing to have his whole left leg amputated and needing a significant amount of blood transfusion. he is still recovering slowly up to now, but he seemed better yesterday, than the last 5 days after the major leg amputation.
anyway, the point is, because of Papa's health crisis, it fell upon me to temporarily manage his finances and make sure they are alright. so my last two weeks have been mostly spent going to banks and dealing with people there and counting money, either for deposit or for withdrawal.
another major "sign of land"! : ) i recognized that early on. i said to my self, thank you God, for this sign of land, further leading me to the manifesting of my heart's desire! i get to practice counting huge sums of money again and feel what it feels like : ), even as i get to practice dealing with bank people again for large sums of money!
still, the money is not my own, but Papa's.
then it just hit me yesterday while i was walking under the noonday sun-- of course, my affirmation has already come true: this is the equivalent of $nnnnn.nn (even 5x more) ALREADY IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, isn't it?
except that the money is not mine. : ) heehee!!!
ohhhh Universe, youuuuuu!!!
so now i'm further fintetuning my affirmation--
Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already MINE and in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better!
be careful of what you pray for: be specific!!!
; ) : ) : )
Monday, January 28, 2008
Today's Quote
People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.
- copied from a friend's MySpace comments log : )
- copied from a friend's MySpace comments log : )
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Squidoo
This is what I've been having fun with working hard (it doesn't feel like hard work when you're having fun though) on lately -- my Squidoo lenses! (< click to check them out)
These are my lenses there so far (still tweaking them even as I might add more as inspiration moves me!):
How to Create and Live the Abundant Life
Affliate Marketing for Newbies: Traps and Tips
Children, Children's Books and Life Lessons
Womanly Ways, Goddess Ways
Everyday Creative Conflict Transformation
What is Squidoo?
SKWID-OO, n. v., adj., addiction:
1) thousands of people creating a handbuilt catalog of the best stuff online.
2) a free and fun way to make your own page and get traffic and online word of mouth and Google juice.
3) a place to find what you're looking for, fast.
And if your lenses are good enough, you get to earn money and donate to charity, too!
Sign up for Squidoo here.
These are my lenses there so far (still tweaking them even as I might add more as inspiration moves me!):
How to Create and Live the Abundant Life
Affliate Marketing for Newbies: Traps and Tips
Children, Children's Books and Life Lessons
Womanly Ways, Goddess Ways
Everyday Creative Conflict Transformation
What is Squidoo?
SKWID-OO, n. v., adj., addiction:
1) thousands of people creating a handbuilt catalog of the best stuff online.
2) a free and fun way to make your own page and get traffic and online word of mouth and Google juice.
3) a place to find what you're looking for, fast.
And if your lenses are good enough, you get to earn money and donate to charity, too!
Sign up for Squidoo here.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My Perfect Life
while sorting through my computer files, i found this "Declaration" i wrote around 6 months ago, at a very heartbreaking time in my life, because the love i thought was The One was not The One at all.
although this was written 6 months ago, i wrote in my diary snippets of this "Declaration" over the course of the last 2 years of further handcrafting my life. i only managed to put them all together here that darkest day in June when, in the depths of my despair, i also resolved to my self that, like Scarlett O'Hara clutching the soil of Tara in her hand, "As God is my witness--" I will not take this like a victim! : )
anyway, i post this here now because i my self am amazed: the life i have now is 90% what this Declaration describes! very soon (as in 6 days later!) after i let go of that old love that wasn't for me and wrote this Declaration, i met Someone Special who's turning out to be a true partner of my mind, heart, spirit (and body : >) and we are in a beautifully growing and deep Love and Friendship-- i'm keeping my fingers crossed. : )
there is power in decreeing, indeed!
so here it is, my Perfect Life, as declared by me! : >
My Perfect Life
(Decreed June 25, 2007)
Me
I am at peace with my self, with who I am, and happy with being authentically me, and growing each moment to be the finest soul I can be, in all ways. I treat other people with honor, honesty and respect, in the same manner that I always expect to be treated with honor, honesty and respect, too.
Children and Family
I take good care of my children and other people placed in my path and in my care, in all ways—physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually—the best way I can, and they take good care of me too the best ways they can. We enjoy good, healthy, affirming relationships based on respect, trust, openness and honesty, peace and freedom to let each other be as authentically as each can be, being the best each can be. Our simple rules we live by at home: be honest, be kind, speak gently, and clean up your own mess.
Love
My Twin Flame Soulmate and I are happily married to each other; we are the best of friends and lovers for life! We both enjoy a very good, stable, happy, joyful, healthy, peaceful and abundant Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family Life together, sharing our selves and our lives with each other intimately yet also lovingly allowing each other the freedom to be and grow to be the finest soul each can be. Our love for each other extends to our children and the rest of our family, friends and community. Our love for each other heals and transforms and inspires us both, as well as the lives of those we touch.
My Work
I work mainly based from home, writing, communicating, helping people, teaching, traveling all over the world and receiving abundant blessings in material or other forms, enough to take care of my self and my children very comfortably, allowing us to be the best we can be.
My Community: the World
My being authentically me extends its light and gifts to my children and family, to my Twin Flame Soulmate, to my work, and ultimately, to my community and the rest of the world, which I consider my world community. There is no strict division of boundaries, each fund the other, and the world is my home, a happy, peaceful, loving place I make and make with all the people placed in my path and care.
I leave this world someday better than I have found it. My presence in it, my life as I have lived it, is a blessing to all whom I have met.
although this was written 6 months ago, i wrote in my diary snippets of this "Declaration" over the course of the last 2 years of further handcrafting my life. i only managed to put them all together here that darkest day in June when, in the depths of my despair, i also resolved to my self that, like Scarlett O'Hara clutching the soil of Tara in her hand, "As God is my witness--" I will not take this like a victim! : )
anyway, i post this here now because i my self am amazed: the life i have now is 90% what this Declaration describes! very soon (as in 6 days later!) after i let go of that old love that wasn't for me and wrote this Declaration, i met Someone Special who's turning out to be a true partner of my mind, heart, spirit (and body : >) and we are in a beautifully growing and deep Love and Friendship-- i'm keeping my fingers crossed. : )
there is power in decreeing, indeed!
so here it is, my Perfect Life, as declared by me! : >
My Perfect Life
(Decreed June 25, 2007)
Me
I am at peace with my self, with who I am, and happy with being authentically me, and growing each moment to be the finest soul I can be, in all ways. I treat other people with honor, honesty and respect, in the same manner that I always expect to be treated with honor, honesty and respect, too.
Children and Family
I take good care of my children and other people placed in my path and in my care, in all ways—physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually—the best way I can, and they take good care of me too the best ways they can. We enjoy good, healthy, affirming relationships based on respect, trust, openness and honesty, peace and freedom to let each other be as authentically as each can be, being the best each can be. Our simple rules we live by at home: be honest, be kind, speak gently, and clean up your own mess.
Love
My Twin Flame Soulmate and I are happily married to each other; we are the best of friends and lovers for life! We both enjoy a very good, stable, happy, joyful, healthy, peaceful and abundant Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family Life together, sharing our selves and our lives with each other intimately yet also lovingly allowing each other the freedom to be and grow to be the finest soul each can be. Our love for each other extends to our children and the rest of our family, friends and community. Our love for each other heals and transforms and inspires us both, as well as the lives of those we touch.
My Work
I work mainly based from home, writing, communicating, helping people, teaching, traveling all over the world and receiving abundant blessings in material or other forms, enough to take care of my self and my children very comfortably, allowing us to be the best we can be.
My Community: the World
My being authentically me extends its light and gifts to my children and family, to my Twin Flame Soulmate, to my work, and ultimately, to my community and the rest of the world, which I consider my world community. There is no strict division of boundaries, each fund the other, and the world is my home, a happy, peaceful, loving place I make and make with all the people placed in my path and care.
I leave this world someday better than I have found it. My presence in it, my life as I have lived it, is a blessing to all whom I have met.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Today's Quote
"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided." - Anthony Robbins
Saturday, December 29, 2007
parenting moments
these all happened yesterday--
1. Paolo calls me up to ask if he can spend New Year's Eve with his boy cousins from his Dad's side. (He's been out of the house since their Christmas break started last Dec. 21, first sleeping over at his cousins from my side, then with his cousins from his father's side... everyone loves having him around, and we have to "schedule" his visits because everyone wants him first!)
anyway, i say, "sure, palangga (dear)."
silent pause from him. "aren't you mad at me, ma?"
me: "why would i be mad, palangga?"
paolo: "because i haven't been home for so long. they say you're going to get mad at me."
me: "are you happy where you are 'langga? do they feed you well? are you safe?"
paolo: "yes, i am, ma!"
me: "that's what matters, langga. of course i miss you, but what matters is you're happy where you are."
i could see him grinning at the other end of the phone.
paolo: "you sure are a strange mom, but im glad you're my mom! i love you, ma!!!"
***
2. i was lying on my tummy in bed, writing on my journal, last night. Bea was beside me, happily chatting away while i nod from time to time and say, "uh...huh..."
after a while, i sense her squirming around and wriggling on the bed, her arms stuck to her sides. "what are you doing,'langga?", i asked her.
"i'm a worm," she says.
"why are you being a worm?" i ask.
"i want to know how worms move," she explains.
so i let her squirm around on the bed, even as i try to write.
after a while, she declares, "i move by pushing my knees, mama. but worms don't have knees... so, how do they move?"
(this was the little girl who once asked me too if ants had eyelashes, and what our eyebrows are for!)
: )
well, what could i say except my standard reply these days, "Look it up in Google."
: ) : ) : )
***
3. after dinner, while cleaning up, Thea blurts out to me, "Ma, L (her groupie friend from their band) says he likes me!"
i grin at her and say, "i know."
"how do you know, ma?"
"i saw him gazing at you the last time i brought you to your band practice. he had this shy, lovesick look in his eyes."
"he asked me to watch a movie with him, and i don't want to!" but she's smiling as she says this.
"uh... oh... just tell him you're not allowed to go on couple dates yet 'langga. (until this moment, i have never mentioned this to her.) group dates, yes, but no couple dates until you're 18 or 20..."
"i know, ma (she knows??? how???), but it's not that... i just see him as a brotherly friend... i already like R (this other guy from another school who calls her on the phone every night; i haven't met him so i don't like him yet!)... i don't want to be playing around!"
(playing around, my God! it's not as if they're committed or something, and i tell her so. and then i pick up where i left off in my lecture and try to explain to her as gently as i can that even i didn't go on couple dates until after college, because her grandpa was so strict, and i realize only now why and he was right, about curiosity and trying not to get too involved with someone or something you're not ready for yet, yada, yada, etc.)
thea cuts me off gently with just 3 words: "yes, ma. hormones."
i stare at her, and then i smile sheepishly as she smiles understandingly... like i was some kid she was patiently humoring.
huh???!!! : O
1. Paolo calls me up to ask if he can spend New Year's Eve with his boy cousins from his Dad's side. (He's been out of the house since their Christmas break started last Dec. 21, first sleeping over at his cousins from my side, then with his cousins from his father's side... everyone loves having him around, and we have to "schedule" his visits because everyone wants him first!)
anyway, i say, "sure, palangga (dear)."
silent pause from him. "aren't you mad at me, ma?"
me: "why would i be mad, palangga?"
paolo: "because i haven't been home for so long. they say you're going to get mad at me."
me: "are you happy where you are 'langga? do they feed you well? are you safe?"
paolo: "yes, i am, ma!"
me: "that's what matters, langga. of course i miss you, but what matters is you're happy where you are."
i could see him grinning at the other end of the phone.
paolo: "you sure are a strange mom, but im glad you're my mom! i love you, ma!!!"
***
2. i was lying on my tummy in bed, writing on my journal, last night. Bea was beside me, happily chatting away while i nod from time to time and say, "uh...huh..."
after a while, i sense her squirming around and wriggling on the bed, her arms stuck to her sides. "what are you doing,'langga?", i asked her.
"i'm a worm," she says.
"why are you being a worm?" i ask.
"i want to know how worms move," she explains.
so i let her squirm around on the bed, even as i try to write.
after a while, she declares, "i move by pushing my knees, mama. but worms don't have knees... so, how do they move?"
(this was the little girl who once asked me too if ants had eyelashes, and what our eyebrows are for!)
: )
well, what could i say except my standard reply these days, "Look it up in Google."
: ) : ) : )
***
3. after dinner, while cleaning up, Thea blurts out to me, "Ma, L (her groupie friend from their band) says he likes me!"
i grin at her and say, "i know."
"how do you know, ma?"
"i saw him gazing at you the last time i brought you to your band practice. he had this shy, lovesick look in his eyes."
"he asked me to watch a movie with him, and i don't want to!" but she's smiling as she says this.
"uh... oh... just tell him you're not allowed to go on couple dates yet 'langga. (until this moment, i have never mentioned this to her.) group dates, yes, but no couple dates until you're 18 or 20..."
"i know, ma (she knows??? how???), but it's not that... i just see him as a brotherly friend... i already like R (this other guy from another school who calls her on the phone every night; i haven't met him so i don't like him yet!)... i don't want to be playing around!"
(playing around, my God! it's not as if they're committed or something, and i tell her so. and then i pick up where i left off in my lecture and try to explain to her as gently as i can that even i didn't go on couple dates until after college, because her grandpa was so strict, and i realize only now why and he was right, about curiosity and trying not to get too involved with someone or something you're not ready for yet, yada, yada, etc.)
thea cuts me off gently with just 3 words: "yes, ma. hormones."
i stare at her, and then i smile sheepishly as she smiles understandingly... like i was some kid she was patiently humoring.
huh???!!! : O
My Favorite Quotes Today
"Initial response illustrates a great deal about someone's personal philosophy." -- Jim Rohn
***
"A character is a completely fashioned will." -- Novalis
***
And this one, from my favorite author:
"Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit." -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
***
"A character is a completely fashioned will." -- Novalis
***
And this one, from my favorite author:
"Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit." -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Friday, December 28, 2007
Something Old, Something New
it's that time of the year again-- a time for looking back and looking forward, reviewing old dreams and creating new ones, which usually includes dreams for a better, happier, more abundant life, including money but not just money.
i've talked about this in my other blog. some visitors here may visit my other blog too, so this might already be familiar. still, here it is again, The Science of Getting Rich, in capsule form--
There is a universal energy from which all things are made. This energy fills the entire universe.
When you form a thought in your head, you tap into this energy, and you actually create that which you are thinking about.
Mankind has the ability to create a thought and cause the subject of the thought to be created within this field of Universal Energy.
To activate this ability, we must learn to harness our creative mind. Typically, we function with our competitive mind. But to create things with thought, we need to activate the creative mind.
We can come into harmony with this Universal energy through the act of expressing gratitude. Gratitude unifies our mind with this all encompassing Universal energy.
To manifest something new, simply hold an image of what you seek in your mind. And express gratitude to the Universe for having granted this to you. To achieve wealth, apply this same principle - hold a clear vision of the wealth you hope to attain. Then express gratitude that this wealth is coming to you. You must have unwavering faith and devout gratitude.
All that you include in your mental image will come to you through the physical realm - through the process of natural ways such as trade and commerce.
To claim this wealth, you must be active. You must do all that you can do each day to make this vision a reality. Especially strive to deliver to others something of value greater than what they paid you for.
Those who practice these instructions will get rich. And the riches they receive will be in the exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.
To participate in a free online course on The Science of Getting Rich, please click here.
To download a free copy of Wallace Wattles' 1910 book in ebook form, please click here.
Happy, Prosperous New Year, everyone!
i've talked about this in my other blog. some visitors here may visit my other blog too, so this might already be familiar. still, here it is again, The Science of Getting Rich, in capsule form--
There is a universal energy from which all things are made. This energy fills the entire universe.
When you form a thought in your head, you tap into this energy, and you actually create that which you are thinking about.
Mankind has the ability to create a thought and cause the subject of the thought to be created within this field of Universal Energy.
To activate this ability, we must learn to harness our creative mind. Typically, we function with our competitive mind. But to create things with thought, we need to activate the creative mind.
We can come into harmony with this Universal energy through the act of expressing gratitude. Gratitude unifies our mind with this all encompassing Universal energy.
To manifest something new, simply hold an image of what you seek in your mind. And express gratitude to the Universe for having granted this to you. To achieve wealth, apply this same principle - hold a clear vision of the wealth you hope to attain. Then express gratitude that this wealth is coming to you. You must have unwavering faith and devout gratitude.
All that you include in your mental image will come to you through the physical realm - through the process of natural ways such as trade and commerce.
To claim this wealth, you must be active. You must do all that you can do each day to make this vision a reality. Especially strive to deliver to others something of value greater than what they paid you for.
Those who practice these instructions will get rich. And the riches they receive will be in the exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.
To participate in a free online course on The Science of Getting Rich, please click here.
To download a free copy of Wallace Wattles' 1910 book in ebook form, please click here.
Happy, Prosperous New Year, everyone!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
My Life in 2008
my numerology forecast from Tarot.com (it has a free basic numerology calculator you can download, too!) for 2008 (i'm posting it here for easy reference and review in 2008 : >)--
This is a year of dynamic change, Jeanette. Many surprises will come your
way. Be open and ready to embrace new opportunities.
Do not be overly careful this year. This is a year in which a major step forward
can take place if you are willing to take some calculated risks and do a little
gambling. Wisdom and prudence is the key, but you will definitely be faced with
choices that require fast action and a willingness to act before all the facts are in.
This is an exciting year in which you will be required to promote yourself in
order to take full advantage of the opportunities that await you.
There will be increased opportunity to travel and possibly a change of
residence.
You may be tempted by the desires of the flesh: too much food, alcohol, sex,
and drugs. Be careful and discriminate. You could make mistakes in these
areas.
You will have some unexpected adventures and lucky breaks this year.
This can be an unsettling year if you try to cling to outmoded methods or
characteristics. This a year to throw off the old and adopt the new. It is a rebirth and a release after last year's struggle.
This is a year in which change takes place consistently, and particularly so in
April and May. July is a breakthrough, a time to enjoy life. September can be
intense, while October requires tact and balance in relationships.
a change in residence?! desires of the flesh?!!!
heehee... interesting year coming up, indeed!
bring 2008 on!
***
(Click here for a free sample Numerology Report)
This is a year of dynamic change, Jeanette. Many surprises will come your
way. Be open and ready to embrace new opportunities.
Do not be overly careful this year. This is a year in which a major step forward
can take place if you are willing to take some calculated risks and do a little
gambling. Wisdom and prudence is the key, but you will definitely be faced with
choices that require fast action and a willingness to act before all the facts are in.
This is an exciting year in which you will be required to promote yourself in
order to take full advantage of the opportunities that await you.
There will be increased opportunity to travel and possibly a change of
residence.
You may be tempted by the desires of the flesh: too much food, alcohol, sex,
and drugs. Be careful and discriminate. You could make mistakes in these
areas.
You will have some unexpected adventures and lucky breaks this year.
This can be an unsettling year if you try to cling to outmoded methods or
characteristics. This a year to throw off the old and adopt the new. It is a rebirth and a release after last year's struggle.
This is a year in which change takes place consistently, and particularly so in
April and May. July is a breakthrough, a time to enjoy life. September can be
intense, while October requires tact and balance in relationships.
a change in residence?! desires of the flesh?!!!
heehee... interesting year coming up, indeed!
bring 2008 on!
***
(Click here for a free sample Numerology Report)
Sunday, December 23, 2007
the age of innocence
while sitting here just now, distractedly cleaning up my yahoo mailbox (still stuck at 300plus : <), paolo comes up to me grinning widely and giggling and trying to control himself as he whispers to me--
i know now there is no Santa Claus!
i turn around, half-surprised (in the back of my mind, i sensed him earlier going through the whole house opening and closing drawers and closets... somehow i suspected he was looking for their gifts...), but feigning innocence --
what do you mean? i say.
he danced around me and whispered as he giggled even more--
i saw our gifts in yaya's (their nanny) room, covered with a blanket!
what else could i do but grin back, sheepishly?
***
after some moments, i asked him though--
how do you feel, palangga (dear)? don't you feel sad or cheated?
he quickly hugged me and said--
noooooo, ma! i think it's funny, youuuuu!!!! i love you, ma!!!
***
and then bea came up to sit on my lap, asking what all the giggling was about.
paolo and i looked at each other, and i just said--
ohhh nothing, palangga... we just read something funny in my email.
bea wanted to know what the email was about, and i said i deleted it already.
***
just yesterday, bea woke up excitedly to find a handwritten note on special paper with glittering fairy dust underneath her pillow.
mama, look! the tooth fairy came!!!
(of course, it was thea who made the specially crafted note, while i inserted the P100 bill, the night before...)
this is what the "tooth fairy" wrote--
Dearest Beatrice,
You have been a very good girl this year. I and the faeries have been very proud of your kind and generous acts.
I have told Santa of your wonderful behavior this year, and he might be on his way to give you what you asked for on your wishlist. I also told him about your brother. He, too, has been a very good boy. Your older sister is a sweetheart, and so is your mother. Be good to all of them.
Inserted within this letter is my little reward for you.
I hope you continue to be the wonderful girl that you are now.
Merry Christmas,
Fyora
: ) : ) : )
i know now there is no Santa Claus!
i turn around, half-surprised (in the back of my mind, i sensed him earlier going through the whole house opening and closing drawers and closets... somehow i suspected he was looking for their gifts...), but feigning innocence --
what do you mean? i say.
he danced around me and whispered as he giggled even more--
i saw our gifts in yaya's (their nanny) room, covered with a blanket!
what else could i do but grin back, sheepishly?
***
after some moments, i asked him though--
how do you feel, palangga (dear)? don't you feel sad or cheated?
he quickly hugged me and said--
noooooo, ma! i think it's funny, youuuuu!!!! i love you, ma!!!
***
and then bea came up to sit on my lap, asking what all the giggling was about.
paolo and i looked at each other, and i just said--
ohhh nothing, palangga... we just read something funny in my email.
bea wanted to know what the email was about, and i said i deleted it already.
***
just yesterday, bea woke up excitedly to find a handwritten note on special paper with glittering fairy dust underneath her pillow.
mama, look! the tooth fairy came!!!
(of course, it was thea who made the specially crafted note, while i inserted the P100 bill, the night before...)
this is what the "tooth fairy" wrote--
Dearest Beatrice,
You have been a very good girl this year. I and the faeries have been very proud of your kind and generous acts.
I have told Santa of your wonderful behavior this year, and he might be on his way to give you what you asked for on your wishlist. I also told him about your brother. He, too, has been a very good boy. Your older sister is a sweetheart, and so is your mother. Be good to all of them.
Inserted within this letter is my little reward for you.
I hope you continue to be the wonderful girl that you are now.
Merry Christmas,
Fyora
: ) : ) : )
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My Message from the Universe Today : )
It's not just that when one door closes, another door opens.
When one door closes, Jeanette, choirs burst into chorus, orchestras orchestrate, bugles bugle, marching bands march, dogs catch Frisbees, cats 'chow, chow, chow,' pigs fly, and 10,000 new doors open.
Kind of makes you want a door to close, huh?
The Universe
P.S. Another door opens, Jeanette... "good grief."
When one door closes, Jeanette, choirs burst into chorus, orchestras orchestrate, bugles bugle, marching bands march, dogs catch Frisbees, cats 'chow, chow, chow,' pigs fly, and 10,000 new doors open.
Kind of makes you want a door to close, huh?
The Universe
P.S. Another door opens, Jeanette... "good grief."
Friday, December 21, 2007
Did You Know 2.0
the power of technology in changing lives... how are we dealing with it in a way that affirms our humanity, not devalues it?
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
moving the Dream forward
it's 5:50 a.m. here. i am about to prepare my favorite spot for meditation, but Thea left the pc on when she went to sleep and the light from the pc screen draws me like a moth to a flame, as always. : )
so i check my emails just to get a quick run-through of what's in. (there're still 278 emails in my yahoo left to clean up! sigh.)
i am quickly attracted to two emails from the same sender, though.
they are from the new york-based literary agency i applied with online for sending two more of my children's stories to last december 11.
they want to see my work for evaluation!!! : )
***
they explain their criteria for evaluation: commercial viability of the work, writing skills of the author, and whether the evaluator personally likes/is touched by the work.
i think im good with the writing skills part already, and so far, i have gotten good feedback from these two stories, which have already been workshopped twice. it's just the commercial viability aspect i still need more information on, though.
i've submitted these to local publishers here; they like it, but i think, because of the topical themes involved (bullying/violence in school and a mother's breast cancer), they are hesitant about its "commercial viability". hmmmmm.
but i believe in my stories. im one writer who doesn't write until the idea really grabs me and won't let me go. i don't waste time writing and re-writing when i don't have a solid idea that has grabbed me yet, so i just usually simmer and "think-write" for years. so, because i believe in these stories, im sending them out again and again and again, even if that will take me the rest of my life doing it. : )
im casting my net wider, though. and it's in line with my lifelong dream of going international someday, getting my stories read by people of all ages, races, creeds and persuasions everywhere, and touching people's lives for the better in some way...
***
some days ago, i received a free subscription newsletter from one of these "gurus" who've made a success of making money online, and i was struck by what he said-- that the only difference between Success and Failure is Action, that those who eventually succeed spend time each day acting on their Dream, moving it a little bit forward in whatever way, if they can't move it much yet... and not listening to naysayers at all (there will always be naysayers anyway)!
and that's precisely how im spending my days here now, just acting on my Dreams a little bit more each day, helping the manifesting process along any which way i am moved to do so. im also not listening much to naysayers anymore; i've gotten rid of that habit years ago! : )
God bless me, God bless these Dreams, God bless my Path and the people I meet and work with along the way!
so i check my emails just to get a quick run-through of what's in. (there're still 278 emails in my yahoo left to clean up! sigh.)
i am quickly attracted to two emails from the same sender, though.
they are from the new york-based literary agency i applied with online for sending two more of my children's stories to last december 11.
they want to see my work for evaluation!!! : )
***
they explain their criteria for evaluation: commercial viability of the work, writing skills of the author, and whether the evaluator personally likes/is touched by the work.
i think im good with the writing skills part already, and so far, i have gotten good feedback from these two stories, which have already been workshopped twice. it's just the commercial viability aspect i still need more information on, though.
i've submitted these to local publishers here; they like it, but i think, because of the topical themes involved (bullying/violence in school and a mother's breast cancer), they are hesitant about its "commercial viability". hmmmmm.
but i believe in my stories. im one writer who doesn't write until the idea really grabs me and won't let me go. i don't waste time writing and re-writing when i don't have a solid idea that has grabbed me yet, so i just usually simmer and "think-write" for years. so, because i believe in these stories, im sending them out again and again and again, even if that will take me the rest of my life doing it. : )
im casting my net wider, though. and it's in line with my lifelong dream of going international someday, getting my stories read by people of all ages, races, creeds and persuasions everywhere, and touching people's lives for the better in some way...
***
some days ago, i received a free subscription newsletter from one of these "gurus" who've made a success of making money online, and i was struck by what he said-- that the only difference between Success and Failure is Action, that those who eventually succeed spend time each day acting on their Dream, moving it a little bit forward in whatever way, if they can't move it much yet... and not listening to naysayers at all (there will always be naysayers anyway)!
and that's precisely how im spending my days here now, just acting on my Dreams a little bit more each day, helping the manifesting process along any which way i am moved to do so. im also not listening much to naysayers anymore; i've gotten rid of that habit years ago! : )
God bless me, God bless these Dreams, God bless my Path and the people I meet and work with along the way!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Dotcomology: Everything You Needed to Know
This FREE ebook is what I'm studying right now. It's downloadable free from here.
Here are additional FREE newbie training videos, too! : )
If one is resourceful and persistent enough, one doesn't really have to spend a lot to start an online business of one's own, that's what I'm learning these days.
Here are additional FREE newbie training videos, too! : )
If one is resourceful and persistent enough, one doesn't really have to spend a lot to start an online business of one's own, that's what I'm learning these days.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Why I Like PIPS
this is one of the reasons why i decided to go for Stone Evans' PlugInProfits System (PIPS)-- the regular FREE newsletter (i signed up for the free newsletter weeks ago, before i decided to be part of the PIPS) content i'm getting on the way to building my own online business. a sample of their honest-to-goodness, direct advise is shown below (of course, i also realized they would promote the advantage of PIPS but it convinced me since what they said makes sense), which helps me think, reflect and plan my own way through, too:
Fast-Track Your Journey to Home Business Success
Copyright © Stone Evans, The Home Biz Guy
No one has ever logged onto the Internet for the first time and
started pocketing dollars in a really short period of time. As
with all things in life, there is a learning curve.
SOME PERSONAL HISTORY
Just a few short years ago, I was a working stiff just like you.
One day, I bought and read a book called "Multiple Streams of
Income" by bestselling author, Robert Allen. Immediately, I
began my journey.
Every night after work and after my wife and children went to
sleep, I would get online and explore different ways of using the
Internet to make money.
In the two years that followed, I spent over $10,000 racking up
credit card debt buying eBooks, membership sites, special
reports, opt-in leads, and joining every "guru" recommended
business opportunity that flew into my email inbox.
I stayed up learning, working, and drinking coffee until 5:00 in
the morning, month after month filled with the hope of making
money online.
In my third year of working part-time to build a home based
income, I finally broke through and earned over $100,000 in just
twelve months from the Internet.
BECOME THE MASTER OF YOUR LEARNING CURVE
Research the lives of all of the "gurus." The one thing that
you will learn is that my own experience is not unique. Most of
the high earners on the Internet experienced a learning curve
very similar to my own.
Chances are that your curve will also be similar to mine, but it
is my hope that you can get to the top faster than even I did.
Three years was a long time to struggle, but every ounce of
struggle was worth the reward I have finally received.
In order to shorten your own learning curve, you must do a few
things differently than the rest of us did. You must become the
master of your learning curve.
THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS A STRAIGHT LINE
There is only one way to shorten the curve on the Internet:
You must plan to succeed!
Here is the deal. Most people put up a freebie website and select
a few affiliate programs to add to their website. Right out of
the gate, most people are running for the finish line without any
real plan in mind.
After a few short weeks, people begin to see the writing on the
wall that says, "This is going to be a long hard road."
People check their hit counters daily for six weeks before they
realize that getting traffic to their free site is going to be
tough.
At this point, they begin developing their first batch of
advertising. Then they spend countless months finding places to
show their advertisements for free. Some make an even more
drastic mistake by blowing thousands of hard earned dollars on
their new and untested ads.
These are the people who will learn the facts of life the hard
way.
In time, they will learn how to make their advertising work for
them, but most will earn very little money from their affiliate
programs.
At this point in the learning curve, most people throw up their
hands and walk away from their dreams in utter disgust. Instead
of a walking away point, this should have convinced the
struggling online entrepreneur that they were simply traveling
the wrong road.
YOU MUST PLAN TO SUCCEED
From day one, you must begin to learn about the nuances of web
promotion. Read everything you can get your hands on. Don't just
read the hype, back it up with the opinions of others who have
reviewed the same programs before you came along. Learn from
their mistakes and successes.
As you begin to learn, you must also look to make a decision. Do
you want to step into a pre-built program that is designed to
help you to succeed, OR do you want to create a completely new
program of which you are the sole owner?
If you decide to step into a pre-designed and complete turn-key
online money-making venture, then you must select the right
venture to step into. If this is your decision, I encourage you
to check out the Plug In Profit Site here.
If you decide to go the journey on your own, then do all of the
necessary research, planning and preparation that is needed for
your success.
PREPARE TO SUCCEED
Decide what you think you would want to do, and then figure out
how your planned site will generate a real income.
Internet old-timers know about hundreds of corporation domains
that existed with IPO millions, but did not have an actual money
plan that could sustain their business model. Most of these
companies were among the hundreds of companies that bellied up in
the 2000 dot bomb experience.
Don't blindly believe in your plan. Research others on the web
who have undertaken similar business models and see if they have
survived. Study your competitors in depth to learn what is
working for them and what did not work for them. To better
understand what has or has not worked for competitor websites,
check out their time lapsed progressions using the Wayback
Machine
Once you have determined your money plan, then you should
undertake the development of a business plan and a marketing
plan. Utilize professional assistance if you need to do so. While
creating your plans, make a determination as to which domain name
you think would be best, then register it along with a hosting
account. You can do this at Host4Profit in Step 2 on this page.
Once you have developed your business plan and marketing plan and
have run them through several revisions, then it will be time to
buy your domain name and to begin work with a site designer and
developer. You may need to have your domain sitting on a web host
for your site developer, but this is not always necessary. While
they are doing their work, enlist a copywriter to help you with
your site sales copy.
When your site designer and developer have your site working, you
should then undertake significant testing to make sure everything
works as planned. It is much harder to fix problems on a
operational site than it is to fix problems on a site that has
yet to be launched.
When testing is done, then you should fill in your sales copy and
then shoot for launch. Of course, you already have a marketing
plan in place, so your preparation here will be simply a matter
of putting the pieces of the puzzle into place.
You are finally ready to open for business. Don't be afraid to
spend the money to bring your dream alive. Time can replace money
in the goal of starting a profitable online business, but money
invested can shave years off of your company's growth.
About the Author:
------------------------------------------------------------
Stone Evans helps ordinary people all over the world make
money online with affiliate programs. If you can follow 3
easy steps, you can get your own customized website,
autoresponder (email follow-up software) and pre-written
email marketing campaign professionally designed and
installed and ready to pull in profits for you in 24 hours
or less! See details at and sign up today at:
PlugInProfits.
Fast-Track Your Journey to Home Business Success
Copyright © Stone Evans, The Home Biz Guy
No one has ever logged onto the Internet for the first time and
started pocketing dollars in a really short period of time. As
with all things in life, there is a learning curve.
SOME PERSONAL HISTORY
Just a few short years ago, I was a working stiff just like you.
One day, I bought and read a book called "Multiple Streams of
Income" by bestselling author, Robert Allen. Immediately, I
began my journey.
Every night after work and after my wife and children went to
sleep, I would get online and explore different ways of using the
Internet to make money.
In the two years that followed, I spent over $10,000 racking up
credit card debt buying eBooks, membership sites, special
reports, opt-in leads, and joining every "guru" recommended
business opportunity that flew into my email inbox.
I stayed up learning, working, and drinking coffee until 5:00 in
the morning, month after month filled with the hope of making
money online.
In my third year of working part-time to build a home based
income, I finally broke through and earned over $100,000 in just
twelve months from the Internet.
BECOME THE MASTER OF YOUR LEARNING CURVE
Research the lives of all of the "gurus." The one thing that
you will learn is that my own experience is not unique. Most of
the high earners on the Internet experienced a learning curve
very similar to my own.
Chances are that your curve will also be similar to mine, but it
is my hope that you can get to the top faster than even I did.
Three years was a long time to struggle, but every ounce of
struggle was worth the reward I have finally received.
In order to shorten your own learning curve, you must do a few
things differently than the rest of us did. You must become the
master of your learning curve.
THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS A STRAIGHT LINE
There is only one way to shorten the curve on the Internet:
You must plan to succeed!
Here is the deal. Most people put up a freebie website and select
a few affiliate programs to add to their website. Right out of
the gate, most people are running for the finish line without any
real plan in mind.
After a few short weeks, people begin to see the writing on the
wall that says, "This is going to be a long hard road."
People check their hit counters daily for six weeks before they
realize that getting traffic to their free site is going to be
tough.
At this point, they begin developing their first batch of
advertising. Then they spend countless months finding places to
show their advertisements for free. Some make an even more
drastic mistake by blowing thousands of hard earned dollars on
their new and untested ads.
These are the people who will learn the facts of life the hard
way.
In time, they will learn how to make their advertising work for
them, but most will earn very little money from their affiliate
programs.
At this point in the learning curve, most people throw up their
hands and walk away from their dreams in utter disgust. Instead
of a walking away point, this should have convinced the
struggling online entrepreneur that they were simply traveling
the wrong road.
YOU MUST PLAN TO SUCCEED
From day one, you must begin to learn about the nuances of web
promotion. Read everything you can get your hands on. Don't just
read the hype, back it up with the opinions of others who have
reviewed the same programs before you came along. Learn from
their mistakes and successes.
As you begin to learn, you must also look to make a decision. Do
you want to step into a pre-built program that is designed to
help you to succeed, OR do you want to create a completely new
program of which you are the sole owner?
If you decide to step into a pre-designed and complete turn-key
online money-making venture, then you must select the right
venture to step into. If this is your decision, I encourage you
to check out the Plug In Profit Site here.
If you decide to go the journey on your own, then do all of the
necessary research, planning and preparation that is needed for
your success.
PREPARE TO SUCCEED
Decide what you think you would want to do, and then figure out
how your planned site will generate a real income.
Internet old-timers know about hundreds of corporation domains
that existed with IPO millions, but did not have an actual money
plan that could sustain their business model. Most of these
companies were among the hundreds of companies that bellied up in
the 2000 dot bomb experience.
Don't blindly believe in your plan. Research others on the web
who have undertaken similar business models and see if they have
survived. Study your competitors in depth to learn what is
working for them and what did not work for them. To better
understand what has or has not worked for competitor websites,
check out their time lapsed progressions using the Wayback
Machine
Once you have determined your money plan, then you should
undertake the development of a business plan and a marketing
plan. Utilize professional assistance if you need to do so. While
creating your plans, make a determination as to which domain name
you think would be best, then register it along with a hosting
account. You can do this at Host4Profit in Step 2 on this page.
Once you have developed your business plan and marketing plan and
have run them through several revisions, then it will be time to
buy your domain name and to begin work with a site designer and
developer. You may need to have your domain sitting on a web host
for your site developer, but this is not always necessary. While
they are doing their work, enlist a copywriter to help you with
your site sales copy.
When your site designer and developer have your site working, you
should then undertake significant testing to make sure everything
works as planned. It is much harder to fix problems on a
operational site than it is to fix problems on a site that has
yet to be launched.
When testing is done, then you should fill in your sales copy and
then shoot for launch. Of course, you already have a marketing
plan in place, so your preparation here will be simply a matter
of putting the pieces of the puzzle into place.
You are finally ready to open for business. Don't be afraid to
spend the money to bring your dream alive. Time can replace money
in the goal of starting a profitable online business, but money
invested can shave years off of your company's growth.
About the Author:
------------------------------------------------------------
Stone Evans helps ordinary people all over the world make
money online with affiliate programs. If you can follow 3
easy steps, you can get your own customized website,
autoresponder (email follow-up software) and pre-written
email marketing campaign professionally designed and
installed and ready to pull in profits for you in 24 hours
or less! See details at and sign up today at:
PlugInProfits.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
my own, my first!
i have my own and my first business site up and going now-- Avalanche Of Blessings!
of course, the really first business site of my own is the author website inspired by B, and which content im still currently working on. then, the mother site for this site, Avalanche Of Blessings.com, is something i'm also still currently working on, hopefully to be unveiled by Christmas Day.
it's just that, in the course of my research, i was also already itching to get some action done and see how it really is, like an on-the-job training even as i learn the principles of online marketing and keyword research and SEOS, etc.
so i found this site, PlugInProfits, and decided to invest in this test. they build your own site for you, set up your products and income streams for you, help you with responding to your customers, and many other stuff-- all you have to do is help market your site by generating traffic. in other words, it shortcuts all the other work of having your own internet business so you can just focus on generating income through effective marketing methods.
for an initial plunk down of only P60/day (that's just like eating one Happy Meal a day) for my first month and even much less in the suceeding months, i figured id take the tuition to learn more even as i already start earning. the alternative is to keep researching and learning,... and earning nothing yet. so, of course, im taking the more promising alternative.
anyway, im just on my second day now, getting familiar with all the resources PIPS (PlugInProfits System) provides, as well as contacting their helpdesk for every question that occurs to me. so far, they have been very patient and accommodating with me, even when i ask really stupid-sounding questions (hey, im a newbie, and im paying for this stuff! so i have that privilege :>) whose answers are either already in the FAQ or in some previous welcome email they sent.
and im having a lot of fun! : )
i question my self: what feeds my hunger for this new adventure? the money itself, which is the usual and most obvious reason? or something more?
hmmmm... in some ways, it is the money. it could sure help pay for a number of things the kids and i need and want... faster. but then, again, even without it, we're already happy as we are, and we'll either get those things we need and want eventually, or find we don't need or want them anymore somewhere down the line anyway.
i think it's something more. i've never been one to just work for money alone anyway. heck, i volunteer and help out in projects that fire my passion, even without getting paid!
i think it's about the challenge and thrill of conquering a new territory, a new as-yet unexplored world for me, and finding more about my strengths and gifts and limitations, too, in the process.
that's what's been missing lately from my previous work and even volunteer projects-- just more of the same. and i guess, i've been yearning for this new pioneer kind of feeling and challenge again.
more to update next time. i'm having a really interesting and fun time doing keyword research . heehee.... just for a taste of the interesting pieces of tidbits i'm discovering along the way-- i didn't realize "hot women" and "mature women" ranks way up there in the list of most often searched keywords more than "beautiful women" and "young women" are!!!
: ) : ) : )
of course, the really first business site of my own is the author website inspired by B, and which content im still currently working on. then, the mother site for this site, Avalanche Of Blessings.com, is something i'm also still currently working on, hopefully to be unveiled by Christmas Day.
it's just that, in the course of my research, i was also already itching to get some action done and see how it really is, like an on-the-job training even as i learn the principles of online marketing and keyword research and SEOS, etc.
so i found this site, PlugInProfits, and decided to invest in this test. they build your own site for you, set up your products and income streams for you, help you with responding to your customers, and many other stuff-- all you have to do is help market your site by generating traffic. in other words, it shortcuts all the other work of having your own internet business so you can just focus on generating income through effective marketing methods.
for an initial plunk down of only P60/day (that's just like eating one Happy Meal a day) for my first month and even much less in the suceeding months, i figured id take the tuition to learn more even as i already start earning. the alternative is to keep researching and learning,... and earning nothing yet. so, of course, im taking the more promising alternative.
anyway, im just on my second day now, getting familiar with all the resources PIPS (PlugInProfits System) provides, as well as contacting their helpdesk for every question that occurs to me. so far, they have been very patient and accommodating with me, even when i ask really stupid-sounding questions (hey, im a newbie, and im paying for this stuff! so i have that privilege :>) whose answers are either already in the FAQ or in some previous welcome email they sent.
and im having a lot of fun! : )
i question my self: what feeds my hunger for this new adventure? the money itself, which is the usual and most obvious reason? or something more?
hmmmm... in some ways, it is the money. it could sure help pay for a number of things the kids and i need and want... faster. but then, again, even without it, we're already happy as we are, and we'll either get those things we need and want eventually, or find we don't need or want them anymore somewhere down the line anyway.
i think it's something more. i've never been one to just work for money alone anyway. heck, i volunteer and help out in projects that fire my passion, even without getting paid!
i think it's about the challenge and thrill of conquering a new territory, a new as-yet unexplored world for me, and finding more about my strengths and gifts and limitations, too, in the process.
that's what's been missing lately from my previous work and even volunteer projects-- just more of the same. and i guess, i've been yearning for this new pioneer kind of feeling and challenge again.
more to update next time. i'm having a really interesting and fun time doing keyword research . heehee.... just for a taste of the interesting pieces of tidbits i'm discovering along the way-- i didn't realize "hot women" and "mature women" ranks way up there in the list of most often searched keywords more than "beautiful women" and "young women" are!!!
: ) : ) : )
Monday, December 10, 2007
getting serious
i am getting serious with my new dream. (hmmmm... well, it isn't really new, but the method for achieving it is... i've always envisioned myself working from home earning multiple streams of income as the ideal work and life style for me, and im well on my way there now with my offline freelance writing and paid speaking/training projects and all).
this time, though, i want to try out earning online, for my self. (there's the online family business i've been working on for 4 years now as one-woman customer care, marketing and liaison person, which has trained me and taught me to see how exciting and challenging the global world is out there, and how i --we Filipinos, actually-- can be up to par in engaging it successfully.)
heck, im on the net so much and have been quite a good customer of so many (mostly info) products and services all these years, i figured i might as well get on the other side of the fence and start sending the money flow my way too, instead of my just sending it out from me. : )
for the past two weeks now, i've been sleepless doing intensive research. it is amazing how i can't stand 30 minutes in one stretch doing the data analysis for my project paper, yet sit for hours on end lost in my business research.
i am starting to see my way through the forest and the fog, and i am very careful to hold on to my credit card and not buy guides here and there just because of their impressive sales pitch and marketing hype. im quite the gullible and impressionable type and i've learned my lessons already (i should, by now!).
needless to say, i am excited, if only to see where this will lead me. if there's one thing this one year break from my regular work is telling me clearly, it's that i don't want to go back anymore, i feel i have achieved all that i have set out to achieve there, and i want to explore new challenges now, on my own, and being on my own.
my excitement is double this morning. a few days ago, i signed up FREE for this affiliate training site, and today, i just got an email telling me i've just had my first affiliate signing up under my account! : )
what i like about SFI is the training and support it gives, especially to newbies like me, and also the opportunity for me to train and help others as i also learn and grow. my education and training background comes in very handy, also my online personalized customer care experience from the family business. when one signs up, one is interviewed for one's background and goals, which helps them help you better. and so far, the assistance I've been getting is helping me ease out of my anxieties and confusion, at least.
it looks like it has a good track record, too, from the research ive done so far. it's been operating offline since 1985 and online since 1998, a member of the Better Business Bureau, as well as the International Association of Home Business Entrepreneurs (IAHBE).
anyway, baby steps. i'll share my progress as they come. : )
p.s. maybe, in a way, i have indeed been "dying" lately-- dying to an old way of life, of thinking, of perceiving possibilities, and being born to this new one, the world of endless, global possibilities!
God bless my way, as God has always done so!
this time, though, i want to try out earning online, for my self. (there's the online family business i've been working on for 4 years now as one-woman customer care, marketing and liaison person, which has trained me and taught me to see how exciting and challenging the global world is out there, and how i --we Filipinos, actually-- can be up to par in engaging it successfully.)
heck, im on the net so much and have been quite a good customer of so many (mostly info) products and services all these years, i figured i might as well get on the other side of the fence and start sending the money flow my way too, instead of my just sending it out from me. : )
for the past two weeks now, i've been sleepless doing intensive research. it is amazing how i can't stand 30 minutes in one stretch doing the data analysis for my project paper, yet sit for hours on end lost in my business research.
i am starting to see my way through the forest and the fog, and i am very careful to hold on to my credit card and not buy guides here and there just because of their impressive sales pitch and marketing hype. im quite the gullible and impressionable type and i've learned my lessons already (i should, by now!).
needless to say, i am excited, if only to see where this will lead me. if there's one thing this one year break from my regular work is telling me clearly, it's that i don't want to go back anymore, i feel i have achieved all that i have set out to achieve there, and i want to explore new challenges now, on my own, and being on my own.
my excitement is double this morning. a few days ago, i signed up FREE for this affiliate training site, and today, i just got an email telling me i've just had my first affiliate signing up under my account! : )
what i like about SFI is the training and support it gives, especially to newbies like me, and also the opportunity for me to train and help others as i also learn and grow. my education and training background comes in very handy, also my online personalized customer care experience from the family business. when one signs up, one is interviewed for one's background and goals, which helps them help you better. and so far, the assistance I've been getting is helping me ease out of my anxieties and confusion, at least.
it looks like it has a good track record, too, from the research ive done so far. it's been operating offline since 1985 and online since 1998, a member of the Better Business Bureau, as well as the International Association of Home Business Entrepreneurs (IAHBE).
anyway, baby steps. i'll share my progress as they come. : )
p.s. maybe, in a way, i have indeed been "dying" lately-- dying to an old way of life, of thinking, of perceiving possibilities, and being born to this new one, the world of endless, global possibilities!
God bless my way, as God has always done so!
Saturday, December 08, 2007
my favorite quote today
Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature… Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -Helen Keller
Friday, December 07, 2007
my last trip
"Give everyone thy ear, but few thy voice." - William Shakespeare
this might as well sum up how i've been lately, especially during my last trip for this year, the one the PJ team took to conduct a training in cagayan de oro.
unlike in previous trips, i dreaded leaving home, and i was excited to come back home. during the stay, i was mostly reclusive, keeping to my self. when people stayed out later at night to drink, sing karaoke, eat and fellowship some more, i went straight to my resort cottage to read, write, meditate and sleep early. of course, i woke up earlier than most everyone else, too, and i did more of the same. i also took long, solitary early-morning walks up and down the mountain resort.
i wondered at my own subtle yet powerful change, too. i wondered if i was dying soon, really. how come the things that used to thrill me and excite me, like going away on trips to exotic and not so exotic places, only tire me now? how come i just want to stay home most of the time now? how come i'm starting to painfully long for my very special someone to be with me here, now, in all ways, to share all these things im seeing, doing, experiencing?
if i wasn't dying soon, i wondered if this is what it means about really "settling down"... or growing middle-aged. : )
and i wondered all these wonderings mostly during the looooooong waits (due to constantly delayed flights) at packed airports.
it got bad at the manila domestic airport on the way home. across me was a middle-aged British-looking guy happily snuggling with his pretty 30-ish something Filipina wife (i looked at their hands; they both wore identical wedding rings). seated right in front of me was a much older couple, an American guy who pretended playing slave to his bossy Filipina wife, but one could see they adored each other with the way they gazed at each other even as they talked.
i wanted to transfer seats, but it was jampacked, the only alternative was to stand or walk around while waiting for my flight.
it didn't help that surprisingly, for this trip, i didn't particularly enjoy talking to my travelling companions either, whose talk only further tired me out.
i have had a lot going on in my mind lately, even before the trip, mostly about my life direction and career plans, and how i just want to stay home now and write, and care for my kids... and hopefully, my future husband someday soon... if God brings me to that, as i find more ways to just stay home and earn multiple streams of income so i don't jeopardize my kids' comfort and long-term security...
i just don't like talking to people much nowadays.
the first night i was back home, i wept my self to sleep.
these last two days though, i have mostly been on the pc, alone and quietly, studying keywords and search engine optimization and home-based online business stuff... still, i've been mostly living in my head these days.
sigh.
what is happening to me???
thank God the kids at least seem to understand, as they just patiently let me be and try not to get in my way too much.
sigh.
i want this last trip of the year to be my last trip now (although i know there are still 3 or 4 upcoming trips first half of next year again... sigh!).
the next trips i want to take, i just want to take with my kids and special someone already, no more with other people.
many sighs.
this might as well sum up how i've been lately, especially during my last trip for this year, the one the PJ team took to conduct a training in cagayan de oro.
unlike in previous trips, i dreaded leaving home, and i was excited to come back home. during the stay, i was mostly reclusive, keeping to my self. when people stayed out later at night to drink, sing karaoke, eat and fellowship some more, i went straight to my resort cottage to read, write, meditate and sleep early. of course, i woke up earlier than most everyone else, too, and i did more of the same. i also took long, solitary early-morning walks up and down the mountain resort.
i wondered at my own subtle yet powerful change, too. i wondered if i was dying soon, really. how come the things that used to thrill me and excite me, like going away on trips to exotic and not so exotic places, only tire me now? how come i just want to stay home most of the time now? how come i'm starting to painfully long for my very special someone to be with me here, now, in all ways, to share all these things im seeing, doing, experiencing?
if i wasn't dying soon, i wondered if this is what it means about really "settling down"... or growing middle-aged. : )
and i wondered all these wonderings mostly during the looooooong waits (due to constantly delayed flights) at packed airports.
it got bad at the manila domestic airport on the way home. across me was a middle-aged British-looking guy happily snuggling with his pretty 30-ish something Filipina wife (i looked at their hands; they both wore identical wedding rings). seated right in front of me was a much older couple, an American guy who pretended playing slave to his bossy Filipina wife, but one could see they adored each other with the way they gazed at each other even as they talked.
i wanted to transfer seats, but it was jampacked, the only alternative was to stand or walk around while waiting for my flight.
it didn't help that surprisingly, for this trip, i didn't particularly enjoy talking to my travelling companions either, whose talk only further tired me out.
i have had a lot going on in my mind lately, even before the trip, mostly about my life direction and career plans, and how i just want to stay home now and write, and care for my kids... and hopefully, my future husband someday soon... if God brings me to that, as i find more ways to just stay home and earn multiple streams of income so i don't jeopardize my kids' comfort and long-term security...
i just don't like talking to people much nowadays.
the first night i was back home, i wept my self to sleep.
these last two days though, i have mostly been on the pc, alone and quietly, studying keywords and search engine optimization and home-based online business stuff... still, i've been mostly living in my head these days.
sigh.
what is happening to me???
thank God the kids at least seem to understand, as they just patiently let me be and try not to get in my way too much.
sigh.
i want this last trip of the year to be my last trip now (although i know there are still 3 or 4 upcoming trips first half of next year again... sigh!).
the next trips i want to take, i just want to take with my kids and special someone already, no more with other people.
many sighs.
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