Let Your Life Speak

This made me cry, in a beautiful way. It resonated with me and affirmed how I have been trying to live my life so far, consciously so for the past 6-8 years now... which has been called crazy, at best, by some, and stupid and foolish, at worst, by others...

Well, heck, at least it's MY life, on my own terms... and the peace and joy from all the adventures and misadventures and lessons learned either way is priceless.

Excerpt:

Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what is truly about--quite apart from what I would like it to be about--or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.

That insight is hidden in the word vocation itself, which is rooted in the Latin for "voice." Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.

Read more here.

When All Is Said and Done

Here's to us, one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

from: ABBA's "When All Is Said and Done"

Today's Quotes

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

-Annie Lennox

***

Intimacy means that we're safe enough to reveal the truth about ourselves in all its creative chaos. If a space is created in which two people are totally free to reveal their walls, then those walls, in time, will come down.

-Marianne Williamson

***

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-Ann Landers

***

The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want.

And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself.

And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself.

And the only way to be yourself, Jeanette, is to listen to your heart.

I do,
The Universe

: ) : ) : )

What if War was Outlawed?*

July 22, 2008
11:25 a.m.
Phiippine Airlines (PAL) Domestic Airport/Centennial 2 Departure Terminal

I'm at the Philippine Airlines (PAL) domestic terminal right now writing this, as I wait for my 2pm flight back to Bacolod. I have just come in from the 2008 International Peace Research Association (IPRA) Conference in Leuven, Belgium, which theme is "Building Sustainable Futures: Enabling Peace and Development".

The experience was wonderful--intellectually stimulating and culturally enriching, although seeing all those Europeans holding hands everywhere, especially the old couples, drove me crazy with admiring envy and longing for my own holding-hands partner to be with me too!

Sigh.... oh, well, maybe someday soon...

Anyway, one idea which grabbed me during the Conference was the suggestion proposed by two groups of participants, when we were asked to workshop on the peace research agenda for the future via open source technology (THAT is another topic I hope to blog about soon, too!): that Peace IS a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, and if so, then we must outlaw war!

***

Truly, it got me thinking: how come we make a criminal out of a person who has murdered or even just violently attacked another person, but how come we don't make criminals out of a person or group of persons who decided to hurt, maim, kill an entire people in war?

What if we do, indeed, OUTLAW war?

What if we make it a crime for any body, any state leader, any nation for that matter, to wage war against another? Wouldn't that law and structure itself IMPOSE non-war at least, and force people to seek other options, other methods of resolving their conflicts? Even if its coercion, wouldn't it at least coerce people to seek more peaceful means because they are obliged not to wage war?

We outlaw murder. Why not outlaw mass murder in war?

*Originally, a New Tomorrows post

Home again

arrived last night
via Manila
via Amsterdam
via Brussels
from Leuven
no time
for jet lag

soon after landing
i put on
my car owner robe,
then mommy robe,
then homeowner robe,
asking the kids how their week went
without me
as they feasted on
Belgian chocolates
while i watched the driver
and gave instructions
on next destinations.

we stopped by L'Sea
to buy take-out Chinese food
as homecoming celebration dinner
while i texted two money-exchange contacts
for today's rates
thinking i might convert my Euros to pesos
now
or maybe tomorrow
so i can refund the PJ office soon,
as we arrived home
and the housekeeper
reported on comings and goings,
bills and letters received,
and appliances needing repair
while i unpacked
and then had dinner
with the kids
who prattled on
about their day,
their week
without me,
while i too shared
my new memories
of Belgium
and the people i met,
even the Commission Convenor
i crushed on. : )

no time for jet lag
i woke up at 5am
turned on the pc
checked and started whittling down
new 374 emails
as B found me
and we chatted and caught up
with each other
as i woke the kids up
from their groggy sleep
and i thought to my self
how blessed i am
to have B
who keeps me rooted,
sane


and then it was almost 7am
so we packed ourselves
into the car
as i drove off
steering into my favorite
short cuts
which are actually the long way around
inside subdivision roads
but with no traffic
they take less time
to drive through

and then we're in school
and i drop the kids off
as i turn back
to go home
eat breakfast mindfully,
then continue with my email whittling
as i make the prelim exams
which my students will take
tomorrow and friday

as i text a writing client
that i have arrived last night
still jet-lagged (!)
will resume work on the writing project
by tomorrow
and have it in
by august 1

and then, as usually happens with me,
believing my own white lies,
i begin to feel drowsy and tired--
truly jet-lagged now?--
and so i climb into bed
to sleep
but dream of Belgian landscapes
and rooms
and strangely interesting people instead.

so instead,
i wake up again
to finish the exams
even as i respond
to my vulcanizing mechanic's text
that the Vios jack i wanted
was ready for pick up now
and could i pick it up now?

with 2 of the 3 exams done,
i drive out again
to pay for and pick up the jack,
then proceed on to school
stop by the risograph office
to submit my two exam sheets
as i drop by the bosses' office
to say hi, hello, give a quick report
on Belgium and how i did,
as i gave them their chocolates
and the staff's too.

picking up the children now,
we drop by our favorite mall
on the way home,
for them to get their snacks,
as we shop for
a new flat iron
(the old one at home has conked out),
school supplies for their homework,
and some little gift bags
for me to distribute my chocolates into
for giving to more people;
then, groceries
to stock up on the dwindling stash at home,
then the dry cleaner,
for my Conference suit.

arriving home,
we have dinner
and homework,
as i finish
the last of the exams,
answer more emails,
until i find Bea
has fallen asleep on the couch.
so i pick her up and tried to sleep with her in my bed
even as i convinced Paolo
that it's his turn to sleep with his Manang Thea tonight.

but i couldn't sleep
thinking of a children's story
long percolating in my head
but now boiling into something
with more form
and voice

so i wake up again
and write some notes
as i also read my writing notes to my self
from 3 years,
3 months,
then 3 weeks ago
while i ate roasted almonds
and drank non-alcoholic Cali
(i eat strangely when in a writing mood.)

so it is 2am now of my tomorrow
yesterday
yet i have to write this one last post
after i've finished finetuning an old story
and finally sent it to the Contest
(deadline july 31)
as i put my writing notebook aside
to let the new story cook some more
and i try to lie down and sleep again
but this blog post
runs through my mind instead.

New Tomorrows

There must be more to life than blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims to the events and forces acting on our lives. That is not the way I want to spend my time on this planet.

The same energies used for blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims (it takes more muscles to frown than to smile!) CAN be used for focusing attention on what does go right, what one can still do, what one envisions for one's self and one's loved ones, working on building that vision, and finding like-minded, fine-spirited people who are engaging in and aiming for similar endeavors.

So, when a group of friends from the futures, education, peace and cultural work communities and I got together some weeks ago to catch up with each other and have fun again just being ourselves as well as sharing what we're trying to do in each of our individual lives, the idea of banding together specifically for putting all our vision, faith, knowledge, experience, expertise, resources and networks to good use in this direction was born.

KalayLah GLocal Network (KGN) was conceived.

"KalayLah" as a coined term for the Filipino terms, "Kalayaan ng Lahi", or freedom of the race, freedom of generations. "GLocal", for the coined term "global" as well as "local", and the implied synergy between the two spheres acting on each other as preferred futures are envisioned, created and built.

In one of our later discussions, though, the idea of extending this community further, not necessarily as part of KGN itself, but just as an online global community of people focused on enabling preferred futures was born.

So many social networks abound on the Net now, and they are mainly for self-promotion and keeping in touch as well as making new friends purposes. What if we utilize this grand (also free) resource and opportunity to harness people's attentions and energies not just to tell others about themselves or to make new friends, but to share how they think and see and what they are doing towards the future?

Imagine what can happen with this harnessed energy and potential.

At the very least, I want to be around when it happens. : )

Please check out the new global community on the web, "New Tomorrows".

the gifts of my parents' deaths

people at school keep commenting how i'm looking so bloomingly gorgeous these days, well, actually since the last time they saw me, which was last schoolyear yet.

one colleague said i had an almost otherworldly aura about me. another said i had a glow, and how im looking really younger and more beautiful. one other person said i had an "international, star-quality" aura, whatever that means.... heehee. thank you. : )

i feel it, too, ... well yes, feeling good about my self, my life, like im in the right place and right path at last, comfortable and happy and joyful and content in my own skin, yet also relishing achieving more of my dreams.... and yes, feeling otherworldly, too.

like somehow, as i accompanied Papa and Mama to their last days and hours, i sort of stepped into some zone reserved only for the dying and those died, but which i was allowed the grace to enter and experience.

so now, coming back "from the dead", i feel even more alive, yet also not part of this world anymore.

in-between worlds. that's how im feeling.

so, im finding my self transformed in many subtle but powerful ways these days--

1. i don't sweat the small stuff, and yes, everything is small stuff.

there used to be time when id get anxious and bash my self, especially, for things not turning out as planned, or even for not being able to finish all ive set out to do for the day in my to do list. these days, i simply move them on to another date. i figure, if they can't be done today, then probably today was not enough for them, so they can wait for another day. when things go wrong... oh well, ive been through worse. and i also know things will get better again. life goes in cycles of up and down. the trick is to ride the cycles well, to crest the waves gracefully.

2. im kinder to and gentler with my self these days. i take time, just to savor each little action, each moment spent with a loved one or even just a friend or passing acquaintance. now is really all i have, i am sooo conscious of that now. so i stay in the moment and relish it and feel so deeply awed and thankful for it. i don't engage in anxious, rushing, pressing self-talk now, especially.

3. im even more philosophical and accepting of Life as it comes now, not much shoulds and musts anymore, just letting Life and people and events flow and my responding to them according to how i authentically think and feel and am at any given moment.

4. surprisingly, im finding my self more willing to live with structures and deadlines and schedules and even commit to appointments when people try to pin me down now. is that a sign of settling down, or what? : )

5. i have less and less patience for bullshit and dramas and melodramas, though. when im feeling really in the mood for fun, i tell people to shove off, and enjoy the surprised looks on their faces. when im feeling nicer, i tell people to shove off, but nicer and in a sweeter way. still, i find i have less and less patience for being nice these days. i find im enjoying just being me, however i am, whoever i am, at any moment in time.

6. people ask how ive slimmed down and am looking so great and what's the secret? i kid them by saying, "have your parents die at almost the same time." heheh. but it's true.

practically speaking, im more mindful of the food and drink i take in now, taking care to make only healthier and cleaner choices. is that dieting? no. i just feel that im taking even better care of my self now.

so, condolences... tragedy?

up to now, i still can't see what's to condole about.

Home and Healing

oohhhh i just love this article! it expresses exactly what i have been feeling these days, after i've finished renovating my home: healed, whole, complete, and even more content, no matter what happens. it reminds me of similar true stories like "Under the Tuscan Sun" too!

indeed, the process of even just renovating one's home, refurbishing it, making it look more beautiful and feel comfortable, is just a symbolic manifestation of what's really going on inside-- or vice versa. maybe the process itself also catalyzes certain subtle but powerful transformations going on inside, too.

i went way beyond the budget i initially intended, but what the heck, every purchase i make is an investment of love in my children's and my living space now. the feeling of comfort and contentment and God's Abundance is indescribable and irreplaceable, and it comes more easily and naturally now with the physical manifestations in place and surrounding and reminding us each moment, each day.

Thank you, God, for home, for healing!

cooking lessons and charmed lives

i had a wonderful day today, spending time beautifully with two friends, both 20 years-or-so older than me, but both truly the friends of my heart, mind and soul.

Ma'am Cecille was a former colleague at the University but is now retired and living her life happily doing what she pleases while pursuing her passions in literary research. Ma'am Cora is still a colleague but will be retiring in a couple of years.

Ma'am Cecille and I arranged for me to have my first cooking lesson with her today, and we invited Ma'am Cora to join us too.

the cooking lesson was actually just an excuse to get together again, to my mind. : )

Ma'am Cecille showed me how to make a special and home-made pesto sauce and pasta, garlic bread, as well as her self-conconcted mung bean salad.

i learned more than those, though.

from the way she organized all her "hang-able" kitchen utensils in one whole wall made up of a wooden board with custom holes and hooks bored into them, to how seemingly ordinary everyday ingredients can be made special with just the little touches of extra care and thought, to charming table-setting and presentation, to identifying the herbs in her garden from the shape and scent of their leaves... as well as to living la dolce vita, with just being authentically you, taking on life fully with heart, mind and soul, with focus and passion and nerve.

Ma'am Cecille served us wine and assigned Ma'am Cora and I to learn how to uncork the bottle. we had fun even with that, trying to find a way to do it. first, we tried with one of us sitting on a chair and putting the bottle between her thighs, while the other pulled with the wine bottle opener bored into the cork. that didn't work, so i suggested we do it from the floor, for more stability. then Ma'am Cecille, who was in the kitchen adding the finishing touches to our lunch and seeing us struggling and giggling so, came over to show us a book on wines and we three looked up "how to open a wine bottle" together (researchers and professors to the core, huh?)

in the end, we went back to my sitting down on a chair, not squatting on the floor, with the bottle between my thighs, while Ma'am Cora tugged with all her might (we did it wrong the first time because she both tugged and twisted the opener at the same time).

i normally don't drink because i'm allergic to alcohol and break out in rashes, but for this one special time, i allowed my self one glass, and the tipsy, warm feeling only added to the mid-day glow i felt enveloping us all, as we talked and laughed and shared over the healthy and graceful lunch we ourselves prepared.

for sure, i learned more than just cooking, today.

when im their age, i want to be a lot like them and how they live their lives so authentically from the heart, even as i work on living that way now, every moment, every day.

i didn't break out in rashes after the wine intake, either. my body approves of the treat then. : )

Papa and Mama

that's firstborn, three-month-old me with Papa and Mama, in May, 1968. he was 30 years old then; she was 25.

i miss Papa and Mama, very much.

it's not personal

i don't know how it is for people in other parts of the world but in my part, people have been talking about how everything seems to have gone awry lately:

a couple of days ago, Smart telecoms giant experienced some breakdown so us subscribers couldn't send nor receive messages, whether by texting or calling. appointments were missed, promises broken, as my good friend and fellow blogger Dave Al posts. : )

this morning, Smart-based servers experienced glitches again so those of us subscribed to SmartBro couldn't go online either.

yesterday, i noticed long lines at Metrobank ATM machines near Lopue's East because the BPI machine close to it was offline due to "phone company troubles", its sign said.

this morning, i got an update email from Metrobank saying they're doing a maintenance check tomorrow morning to preempt breakdowns, but to expect some downtime still.

tonight, after a wonderful dinner out, our host and my good friend was surprised to find that our favorite restaurant couldn't take credit cards because their credit card machine broke down due to phone connection troubles.

the people around me are beginning to wonder if it's a conspiracy by some people somewhere.

i told them not to take it personally-- it's Mercury Retrograde! : )

What's a Retrograde?

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. (from Astrology on the Web)

There is no real backwards movement of Mercury; it's just that we see it this way from Earth, because of the combined movement of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. However, astrologically this is very relevant. (from Astrology Weekly.com)

More from Astrology Weekly.com--

General influence of Mercury retrograde

Mercury rules over the mind's processes, studying, communication, businesses, travels and the like. When Mercury reverses its direction, all these areas are affected as well.

The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more their own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather then be curious and eager for new intellectual experiences or challenges. This helps in meditation or the thorough lonely long-term study of a specific matter, but it affects the study of new subjects, the communication with others, the attention oriented outwards.

Businesses, travels and communications tend to experience delays and different problems. Computers and other processes that work with information may experience crashes, unexpected failures.

Don't enroll for new courses, don't buy expensive Mercurian items (books, cars, mobile phones etc.), don't sign important contracts and do not marry.

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

It is definitely a very good period for some actions. No time is completely bad for anything, there is a reason in everything that happens.

The key is the reversed direction of movement: take any known Mercurian action, reverse its flow, consider the keywords "re-doing something", "double-checking", "finish the old projects" and there you are, you've found the good side of Mercury retrograde.

For instance, you may want to read again a book you particularly liked, a subject you studied before, meet and discuss with old friends you haven't met for a long time, travel to places you've already been to before.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

Next, you might wish to prevent any bad things to happen to you: so double-check your agenda, call your business partners to confirm that everything goes as planned, have everything ready before the deadline and leave some extra time for unexpected events. Make copies of your important files and documents, save your work more often.

The other solution is to go on vacation or at least slow down the pace of your projects. You will find that going slowly during the Mercury retrograde period will spare you many efforts of redoing the same action that wasn't performed right the first time.

Above all, be generous and compassionate: you are already aware about the influence of this period, but the others aren't aware of it or there may be uncontrollable events. That's why you should have more diligence with the others and give them some more time. It'll be your mental health that you'll be sparing actually.


This period's Mercury Retrograde lasts from May 26 - June 19, and since the Mercury Retrograde is also in Mercury's home sign, Gemini, the sign of the mind and communications, you can expect the retrograde influence to be doubled. (Read more about the "Murphy's Law of the Cosmos" here.)

so take heart and relax: it's not personal--

it's planetary. : )

work with it and go with the flow, or work against it.

peace of mind, or frustration?

it's your choice.

"Life is queer with its twists and turns..."

i remember this line now from an old poem, Don't Quit, that Mama used to post around our "home" (the dinghy mezzanine floor above our store in the public market) while we were growing up (she liked to post a lot of quotes and poems on living life the best and noblest and highest way, despite our miserable physical surroundings...), as i am struck now by how queerly indeed my life has twisted and turned, especially in the past year.

first, i decided to take an unpaid year's leave off from university work, just to rest, relax, and follow my bliss. people thought i had lots of moolah stashed for the full 12 months ahead; they thought i was kidding when i said i was living in God's Grace month to month (i was)!

in June, a love which i thought to be The Love of My Life turned sour, but i consciously resolved not to take it like a victim and to keep my faith and hope for True Love still pure and unsullied instead... and then i met B on July 1, on his birthday!!! : )

then there was the awarding ceremony for my second national book award at the Cultural Center of the Philippines last July, and the fun radio interview out of town, which my kids enjoyed as much as i did (the radio station treated us like superstars, with our own coaster to fetch and bring us back to the hotel and wherever else we wanted to go after the interview).

after that was a children's literature conference i attended where i expected to just be a participant but ended up being like a "grand finale" speaker which got the audience very hyped up and involved.

then the U.S. visa interview with my sis, where the visa officer just asked us questions, didn't even look at the rest of the documents we brought, and then granted us 10-year multiple entry visas each!

then the fun, special bonding time with Mama in the States last Sept-Oct, where we got to relive our teenage years again and fill in the "missing link" in our lives (Mama left us when we were teenagers). we didn't know it was to be our last time with her together, but i think now that she knew all along.

then i come back here in October to have my books launched at The Negros Museum, along with the museum's Storytelling Program, in the midst of the Masskara Festival.

in December to February, both Papa and Mama got seriously sick, having to go in and out of the hospital several times, until they couldn't leave the hospital anymore. Papa was last admitted on Jan. 16, while Mama on Jan. 29. Papa died on feb. 20, and Mama on march 10.

taking care of both, first here in Bacolod, then there in Atlanta, Georgia, was both special and surreal in itself. it was special because i discovered that one gets to forge and develop a new, adult relationship with one's parents one never had before when they were physically healthy and well. now that the tables are turned and they are dependent on you and you are taking care of them, the masks fall off, and you just relate to each other as full human beings in all your best and worst, and you find that if you just show up for them everyday anyway, just dig in there and continue to care for them the best way you can despite the arguments and the rehashing of unfinished business, the Love and Laughter remain and only grow stronger and unbreakable in the end. i would never have exchanged those last moments with Papa and Mama for all the world. it was the sublimest of benedictions.

and it was also most profoundly healing and special that both Papa and Mama just kept on asking about each other in the end. they were in each other's thoughts, even in their semi-conscious and pained states. how's that for deep Love, huh? : )

my brother, Tope, and my sister, Honey, and i-- we kid each other about our parents being Soulmates after all-- despite their stormy and tempestuous love and lives. but we also quietly know that all jokes contain a deep truth in them; we just joke about them because we could only comfortably take them in joke form; the deep truth both scare and awe us so...


yet, it was surreal, too, living in hospitals and around sick and dying people and the medical staff who also help care for them for three months, and then after that, having to deal with the business of funeral homes and cultural and social norms for the dead. it was twilight-zonish, waking up in the morning and not even able to make plans for noontime, because one never knows what happens next. after they died, it was twilight-zonish still, to find that people get so hung up about certain practices and arrangements (and money, yes, money!) and that they can even be the source of a lot of family and friends' dramatics and melodramatics.

in the midst of it all, i was asked to submit a proposal for an international conference, and found out later in April, that i received a full grant for my paper presentation proposal. so now i have been applying for my Schengen visa to Belgium, as well as preparing my paper for the conference.

in the midst of it all, too, B and i found time to be with each other, just the two of us, and it was a most special, special healing and sweet time.

then, there was the most welcome trip to New Jersey and New York, the bonding with cousins we last saw when we were children, and of course, conquering The Big Apple on our own. it was a most precious, healing gift from Tito Tony and Tita Melvi, more than they will ever know...

coming back home, i decided to beautify my home with part of the inheritance funds i received from Papa's estate. so since April, i have been living in home depots and hardware stores most times of the day. : )

now, i am looking forward to spending more special time with B again when his summer vacation starts, even as i prepare to go back to university teaching, refreshed and renewed in my zeal for the calling.

this afternoon, my publisher's staff communicated with me for a single-parenting talk they plan to do in July, a day before i leave for Belgium, and in which i have been invited to speak and share.

then i come home to find an email from Lifestyle Network who wants me to be a guest in their show! ;O

whew.

***

a friend asked me once how i was, and we both laughed when i said, "i'm mastering the art of winging it!"

but it's true. i am discovering now how life is so strange, all the best-laid intelligent plans can fall apart in a moment. no use stressing over the minutiae of the how-tos.

just focus on what brings you joy, and live more of them each moment each day. the rest, just wing it. ; )

true security is found inside, in your knowing and realization that no matter what happens, you can handle it... not really just because of you alone and the strength of character and life skills you have developed, but because somehow, you are taken care of and provided for, always, by both Seen and Unseen Friends of the heart and soul...

another friend shared with me a joke quote once, and which i find most apt now--

Life is short. Don't make it shorter!

: ) : ) : )

NJ and NY Memories, Week 2

Tita Melvi has yet to upload to us the 600plus pics taken from her digicam, so this will have to do for now. (Turn on the music!)

Diary of Week 2--

April 6 - Dinner party at Carteret

April 7 - just stayed at home; i enjoyed doing the laundry on my own, and took a long walk around the neighborhood afterwards

April 8 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park on our own for the first time! visited the Museum of Natural History and just walked half of Central Park and wondered which movies featured which spots (I remembered "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" :> )

April 9 - Italian lunch at a resto in Port Authority; walked down the avenues to get to 42nd Street to watch "A Chorus Line" (matinee-- the ticket prices are less expensive, and we get near front row seats at that!), then took the subway to Chinatown to meet Tito Tony at Hopkee's where he treated us to dinner. My former IDS student, Andrea Tolentino, met me there too.

April 10 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park again, to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art and walk the other half of Central Park. we temporarily got lost and boarded the train going to Brighton Beach! Heheh. Well, as Mama used to say, "The best way to finding your way is by getting lost first."

April 11 - Tita Vicky took us to Menlo Park Mall. We watched "Smart People" there and I bought a bear and her clothes at Bear Boutique for our niece, little Angela, Tope's only child and the baby in the family. Later in the evening, Tito Tony and Tita Melvi took Honey, Elmer (our cousin, their youngest, Cecille (Tita Melvi's best buddy) and I out to a Hibashi dinner.

April 12 - lunch (I had "dinuguan"! I missed "dinuguan"!) at Tita Vicky's house, on our way to our cousin Albert and his wife Judy's place at Nutley, where we hung out with cute babies Anna (Al's and Judy's darling) and Kylie, cousin Linus and his wife, Dalia (parents of enigmatic Kylie : > ), and Elmer (who has yet to find his one and only somewhere out there) -- and Tito Tony, Tita Melvi and Cecille. We ended the day with a wonderfully sumptous dinner, both for the palate and tummy, and for the heart and soul!

P.S. to Week 2 --

April 13 - lunch at King's Chef, then flew back to Atlanta via Continental Air. For a while there, we almost got bumped off and I was already wondering if I could buy Victoria's Secret lingerie with the $300 voucher Continental Air would be giving us... well, when you get lemons, make lemonade! : D

April 14 and 15 - Honey and I just stayed home at East Point, to wind down even as we finished the last of the packing for all Mama's stuff to be sent home via Balikbayan Boxes, as well as our luggages.

April 16 - Mama's wonderfully fun friend, Darling Manching, drove us to the malls for Honey's last-minute shopping, and then we had a wonderful early dinner at their charming home in Peachtree City that late afternoon. Dinner: American-style pork chops and Filipino-style dried salted fish and steamed shrimps with achara. Guess which dishes won out? : )

Later in the evening, back home at East Point, after Carmen and I finished our butterfly orders for shipping, Carmen took us out to do our laundry for the last time, en route to the post office.

April 17 - Mama's friends Elmer and Lolit Cortez invited us (Dad Larry, Honey and I, as well as their best friend and Mama's friend too, Elvie, and her kids) to dinner at their beautiful home in Fayetteville.

April 18 - for our "despedida" (farewell) dinner, I treated Dad Larry and Honey to a dinner theatre show of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at The New Shakespeare Tavern in downtown Atlanta. : )

It's all been like a dream, alright.

my Moms' Day morning

i woke up to find these in our newly-renovated bathroom...

the kids' note says--



'Just because you're the BEST mom in the world and the awesomest woman we know!

:) :) :)

This is also why I've been so quiet here lately:

my "inner sanctum" has been undergoing...

... a major transformation!

The Invisible Mother

I got this as a forwarded email from a friend and fellow mother. This is beautiful and makes a ton of sense. To all the wonderful mothers out there! Advanced Happy Mothers' Day!!!


***

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

***

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

lucky day, happy day

my tarot.com numeroscope for today--


Jeanette's
Daily Number: 6

Today is a lucky day for you, in which you're likely to experience progress in your career and/or finances. You feel a sense of closeness with relatives and friends, and an overall healing of the heart. Few things could be better.

***

few things could be better, indeed!

i started out the day waking up late after a good night's sleep, having arrived from newark to atlanta at 10pm already last night. i woke up to find an email telling me that the International Peace Research Association (IPRA) had just approved my paper for a full travel grant to present at a conference on peace journalism in Belgium this July!!! : )

then i was so happy and inspired, i finally decided to bake and cook, at the same time, FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY OWN, today, with my sis Honey just standing by to oversee my progress, and i am soo proud of the home-made bread pudding and paella i produced today! Honey and dad Larry both agreed they tasted great, and i know it's not just to please or humor me, because my own taste buds agreed too!

while preparing the ingredients for baking and cooking, my mind was intensely focused too, on planning my kitchen renovation at home when i get back. finally, i am staking a claim to my own kitchen now as i should!

i also daydreamed about how it would be like to be together with my new husband and our children someday soon (i hope), and how i would feed them delicious and healthy and attractive-looking dishes even as i cared for them as a full time homemaker, while i earned from home, too, with my writing and the family's online crafts and exports businesses... : )

then, my long-delayed Amazon order rescheduled for delivery by UPS (because i wasn't here to sign for them) finally arrived today-- Thea's wished for Canon G9 digicam and Shannon Hale book, Book of A Thousand Days; and my own wished for books, especially Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and Mary Oliver's book of poems, American Primitive!!!

ohhhh, this has been a day of delicious and abundant food-- food for the mind, food for the body, and food for the heart and soul!

thank you, God.

Spring has indeed come into my life again, at last.

today's quote

Don’t be discouraged by a failure. ...Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.

John Keats (1795-1821)
Poet

NJ and NYC Memories, Week 1

March 29 - arrived Newark airport at around 8am; went to Beacon (Jonas' and Jen's place) after depositing luggage at Carteret

March 30 - went to international car show at Javits Center with Al and Judy and Jonas and Jen, then met up with Linus and Dalia for an Italian dinner at Nonna's; we had our first view of Times Square and Central Park from the car, as Jonas drove us around to point the sights to us

March 31 - stayed at home, puttered around, read, wrote, rested

April 1 - lunch buffet at Filipino restaurant, Colonia's, with Tito Sonny and Tita Vicky Quisumbing; then accompanied Tita Vicky to Walmart for some shopping

April 2 - first bus ride to and from NYC with Cecille, walked up and down 5th to 8th avenues and assisted Cecille as she visited a business contact for costume jewelry distribution

April 3 - stayed at home and read and slept; down with heavy period, felt extremely homesick; chat with B helped a lot

April 4 - dinner at Quisumbing's house in Carteret, too, just a 15-minute ride away

April 5 - Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty Tour

Lourdes Concepcion Patindol Watts

Ellis Island

for the first time since i came to America last September yet, today i felt that i am finally in the real America, its heart and soul, that is, not its flashy accoutrements.

because of a wonderfully perfect sunny yet cool day today, despite dire weather forecasts of a rainy, even a stormy day, tito tony suggested to my sister, honey, and i that he take us to Liberty Park, to join in the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferry tour. we quickly agreed, although i had my private reservations.

these days, i have just been wanting to stay home and read, or surf the net and do my emails, or watch movies, not really go out and/or socialize-- just clock time until we go home again. so, half of me hated being pulled away from home this morning, but im glad i let the other half agree to the tour.

before getting there, tito tony even suggested that we skip the Ellis Island tour (he said most tourists aren't familiar with Ellis Island anyway) and just stay on the ferry to go straight to the Statue of Liberty. but once there, honey and i decided to step down anyway and explore it, just out of curiousity's sake.

Ellis Island is where around 70% of immigrants to the United States were processed, before it closed in 1954.

as soon as i stepped into the hallowed front hall of the Ellis Island Museum, and was greeted by large black and white pictures of immigrants in the 1880-1924 peak immigration exodus, along with sample artifacts of the kinds of luggage they brought with them-- i was just suddenly overwhelmed with feeling and i choked with tears.

my first thought was, "oh my god, B's ancestors must have stepped into this same hall too almost 100 years ago!"

as i explored the 3-storey museum, from listening to the very dramatic rendition of the tour guide, to my own wanderings in and out of the many exhibits all over the three floors, reading the quotes from Ellis Island immigrants interviewed in the mid-1980s during the Island's restoration as well as listening to taped interviews with some of them-- i cried quietly even as my heart broke, realizing the struggles and suffering all these immigrants from different countries had to go through even as they pursued their fragile hopes and dreams.

the Filipino Diaspora isn't as unique as i've always thought and felt it was.

of course, intellectually, i understood that many people from all over the world immigrate to other countries, especially America, to build a better life for themselves and their families, but it never hit home for me, until today.

i learned that basically, regardless of race, creed, sex, age and background, all immigrants who came to America before shared the same stories of leaving families and precious histories and cultures behind because of extreme poverty, deprivation due to totalitarian governments, atrocities, war... and they made America the great nation it became (until recently).

i was struck by one quote i read from an Italian immigrant who said (paraphrased): "They told us America was paved with roads of gold. When I came to America, I found out 3 things: there was no gold, it was not paved, and we were expected to build the roads."

i saw America with newer eyes, with a newfound respect and appreciation for its people who built it. i am saying this in contrast to my developed anti-American sentiment from my college activist anti-U.S. bases, anti-U.S. imperialism days : ), which was itself a 180-degree turn from my childhood adoration of Hollywood America as the land where all dreams came true.

in the end, as i shared this insight with honey, i truly felt and understood now too when i also said, "the American government is not the American people."

until today, whenever family and friends would tour us around sights and monuments and memorials, i was curious and interested, but still distant and detached. my attitude was, "okay... hmmm... interesting... and then?... so what?... or, hohum... next please..."

until today, i never really felt like i was in America, but just in another developed country, with all these interesting sights and foreign-looking people to see and interact with.

until today, i merely tolerated being in America.

at the end of the tour, in the lawn outside the Museum, honey interviewed me on video with the cam she brought while we were waiting for our ferry back. she laughed when i said, "I am proud to be an American now, even if I'm not an American!"

when we got home, she told tita melvi, "today, Manang (me; Ilonggo term of endearment for "older sister") just fell in love with America!"

:)

surreal

that's how my life has been since the start of this year: surreal.

first, there was papa's hospitalization and amputation, which necessisated a one-month stay in the hospital, until he died last feb. 20. then, there was mama's hospitalization from stroke, too, two weeks after papa was hospitalized.

the day after papa was buried on feb. 25, i flew to Atlanta, Georgia, to be with mama, who was still in the hospital. she died on march 10, two weeks too after papa died.

then, there was the very wonderful and specially healing time spent with B, a week after we buried mama.

now, my sister and i are here in new jersey with an uncle and his family, discovering new jersey and new york, and rediscovering old cousins and cousins of cousins everyday.

from the depths of grief, to the heights of joys, and now stretching the limits of our world by venturing into new worlds, all in a space of 3 months-- i find my self just cresting the waves of my life each day as they come.

i have learned not to make too detailed plans anymore, not even for tonight, much less for the next day or next week, as i am learning that life can change in an instant. i have learned to just go with the flow, and let what comes, comes, and just deal with them as they come.

i have finally learned to let go of the last vestiges of anxiety and worry, as they really are useless anyway, just extra burden on one's energies and spirit. life comes as it is; being anxious about it and worrying about what comes next does not make you any more prepared or peaceful or happy.

i am learning to trust in my own inner resources-- my intelligence and wit and wisdom and gifts of insight and discernment to see my way through, and work my way through peacefully and happily, even when outer circumstances are so chaotic. in short, i am perfecting the art of "winging it"! : )

i have ceased to question why, well even before this year, but more so during this year. i have learned to trust that whatever happens, i can handle it, i am well taken care of and provided for by both seen and unseen angels and loving spirits in my life, and that the answers will come when i'm ready for them. if the answers don't come, that is fine with me too, i just live the Mystery as best as i can, bringing my whole self into it, and living my depth.

in all these, Life for me now has taken on a new richness, a deeper meaning, and a more beautiful and wondrous poignancy and delicacy to it.

i think now that my mind, heart, soul and even body are being stretched out for more spaces to accommodate more of Life and the mystery and magic that it unfolds, each moment, every day.

in all these, thank you, God.

A Time of Rebirth

today (still March 23 in Georgia here) is a most beautiful and healing Easter Sunday for me.

Honey and I spent it with what is now our new family, too, the family from our stepdad Larry's side. we not only got to know him and his world better, but we were introduced to real-life Southern charm, hospitality and warmth.

we went to church at Larry's brother Johnny's church at Pitt's Chapel in Macon, where Johnny is a Methodist minister of. Macon is two hours' drive away.

it was my first church service outside a Catholic church and it was beautiful, with the preacher's and choir's old-fashioned gowns and simple rituals and songs and sharing and sermon and all. i've attended services other than by Catholic priests but they were always in modern, big-city venues like office buildings or seminar halls or even beaches and gardens, but not in an old-fashioned wooden church building like Pitt's Chapel. think Laura Ingalls and The Little House on the Prairie and you'll get an idea of what i mean.

then, we went to a wonderfully delicious Old South home-cooked lunch at Johnny's wife's sister's home in a farm ensconced by forests. the dishes were delicious; i just couldn't memorize their names, though. they were made of simple everyday crops like squash and carrots and beans but they looked grand and tasted sumptous!

their house looked like those old Southern houses in the country one sees on tv or in films, where there are real wooden rocking chairs by the porch, and the distance from the porch to the kitchen is just 3 or 4 steps away, with all the rooms connecting to the kitchen and the dining room, where everyone gathers to talk, kid around, swap stories, or just say hi on the way in or out.

the children were running around in the wide yard, where there was an old-fashioned fountain made to look like a well with a tin pail pouring water into it. we got to chat with a pretty five-year-old named Olivia Grace, who sidled up to us as Honey and I were browsing the titles in their wall-length bookshelf. Olivia was excited by the fact that she gets to look for the Easter eggs all by herself, as all the rest of her cousins were boys and older and didn't seem interested (maybe she was the only one who still believed in Easter bunnies).

they welcomed us as more than guests and more like family, and it felt warm and good. i even joked and laughed with them, and they with me. it felt even better to realize that despite the differences in skin color and culture and even faith, we shared a common sense of humor about everyday life and witticisms.

it made me see, too, how living with such a warm, faith-centered joyful family could be like, and it made me think and dream of my own complete family again someday...

it is 6:07pm now and we're back home, and i feel refreshed and renewed, ready to take on new beginnings in my life.

Deliverance

my FREE I-Ching Reading today:

After a thunderstorm, or any period of extreme tension, a period of new clarity and fresh opportunity follows. The storm has the effect of clearing the air and suddenly reducing atmospheric tension. Deliverance is at hand. In the wake of a storm on land, deliverance appears in the form of new color and life, which bursts forth in all the fields and flowers. In the wake of a storm at sea, deliverance takes the form of land itself.

In the field of human relations, the rain of forgiveness washes the human landscape clean after a period of enmity and error. Great clarity of purpose and renewed vigor can follow the healing of old wounds. But care must be taken not to re-open these old wounds by moving too quickly. In the same way, it is important to return to normalcy first before moving ahead with new plans after periods of stress.

Following the resolution of a difficult situation, your first priority, should be to return to normal conditions as quickly as possible. Breathe a sigh of relief, but don't relax completely. It would be a mistake to re-awaken the sleeping dogs of the immediate past before the new situation has crystallized. Look ahead. Attend to any residual matters that need resolution, and do so as quickly as possible. Make a clean sweep of the past, move deliberately, and the future will bring good fortune.

3 Things

After all is said and done, there are only 3 things that really matter to me now:

1. Good health
2. Healthy, loving relationships
3. Work I love to do and that serves others, too

Today's Quote

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.

-Hans Hofman

Why Grief Doesn't Have to Hurt Forever

I found this article very moving and helpful. And it rings true for me, too, how I've been experiencing my father's and mother's recent deaths and their aftermaths...

This is the part that rings most true for me--

I now understood (that) if I could deal with the intense anguish from my mother’s death, I could now face any pain that would arise in a close, meaningful relationship. This allowed me to drop my guard and not allow fear to rule my interactions.


I hope it's as helpful to those reading this, too.

God bless us all.

The Butterfly Lady

Leave it to Mama to still generate free publicity even up to the end.

Read it here from the Atlanta Journal Constitution. :)

We had a beautiful funeral for her today (March 14, Atlanta time).

And I sang, too, the song I sang to her that morning she died. My first public debut solo singing performance, at 40! : )

Mama (May 20, 1943 - March 10, 2008)

i rarely sing, because i think my voice is off-key. but, i managed to sing to Mama again this morning, while i was alone with her in the hospital in the hour right after she passed on in her sleep at 6am, from cardiac arrest, the nurses said.

i was moved to sing to her a song she taught me when i was a little girl, and which i have never heard anywhere else in my life up to now, only from Mama.

When I grow to be a lady
I'll be a queen,
A lovely queen.

Walking in the garden shady
In gowns of green
With silver sheen.

Maids of gold and white shall follow me
and suitors of the high degree.

although my voice broke many times as i sang, i did not sing off-key today.

Goodbye, Mama.

a parable on exits and entrances

I've been reading this book I found in a used bookshop last Feb. 2, when Papa was still in the hospital. It has been helping me cope and come to terms with the struggle of his illness, and then his death, and mama's present illness too, and I hope you find the following parable as healing:

In Why Me?--

From "Gesher Hachayim" by Y. M. Tuckachinsky:

Imagine twins gestating in the mother's womb, speculating and challenging each other with the question, "What will happen to us after we leave the womb?" Since their entire frame of reference is the interior of the womb, there is no way they could conceive through their sense of sight or hearing what their future holds in store for them.

Suppose that one of the twins is a "believer", supported by his traditions that there is a future life in the next world, while the other brother, a "rationalist", accepts only what his logical mind perceives in the here and now. They each take firm stands and debate their respective positions with passion.

Basing his argument on a religious tradition that he is heir to, the believer maintains that when they exit from the womb they will be reborn into a life that is not limiting, that they will eat through their mouths and not be fed through their navels, that they will see a great distance, that they will hear through the funny things on the sides of the head they call ears. Feet will be straightened and they will be walking erect great distances on this planet Earth, in which deep oceans and gentle streams flow, nourishing all living things. Above them will be the wide expanse of heaven containing a golden sun, a silvery moon, and twinkling stars.

The rational twin roars with laughter at his brother, the simpleton. "Incredulous! Are you for real? No one has ever come back from the other side to tell us. It's all a myth. All we know is what our senses perceive, the objective facts that can be tested. Aside from this womb and its limits, the rest is subjective and has no basis in reality. What do you think will happen when you die?" presses the skeptic.

"Clearly," his believing brother answers, "when we exit the space of this world, we will enter into another world."

"Fool!" snaps his brother. "You will fall into an abyss from which you will never return. You will be annihilated as if you've never been."

Suddenly the water in the womb bursts. The rounded womb begins to shake and writhe. The believer makes a precipitous descent, is expelled, and gone from his brother's view.

The rationalist is shocked by his brother's fate and bemoans the tragedy that has befallen him. As he laments his brother's misfortune, he hears a piercing cry and loud shouts from the darkness into which his brother has disappeared. His fears of a terrible end are confirmed.

The skeptical brother is unaware that his supposed dead brother has entered into an exciting new world and that his own turn is near. The wail that he heard was a cry of a baby's health and the commotion was a chorus of congratulations from the doctors and nurses.

From the limited perspective of the fetus left temporarily behind in the womb, his brother had indeed died. He had been brutally torn from the unfamiliar world that provided protection, warmth, and nurture and hurled into the black pit of oblivion and annihilation.

From a larger view, that same event is called "birth". It represents a transition from a smaller world to a larger world, from a world bounded by the womb, where it passively received, to a wide, wide world where activity and free choice and responsibility open one to limitless possibilities.

my first snow

i watched my first snow gently falling this morning, right after i woke up and had breakfast. on this international day of celebration for women, too! : )

i consider it a most welcome sign from the heavens, considering the challenges i've been through lately, with papa's month-long hospitalization and eventual demise, and now, mama's own more-than-a-month long hospitalization here now at the Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale, Georgia...

my life's been on hold since then. i just live each day as it comes. one can't really make plans when everything is up in the air and constantly changing...

i can't even make plans for the next day, because each new day that unfolds is always an adventure and a roller-coaster ride with mama. in their own way, these days are special and meaningful and enriching for my relationship with her, and for our souls, although they are very challenging, too... with her memory loss, and diabetes, kidney and heart complications... i am continually called to pour out more loving, and more emptying, than i thought i had it in me to give.

one never knows if each day is the end, or the beginning. most times, it is both.

***

still, better, happier, more stable and hopeful times are coming, my gentle March snow flurries are telling me, in this time between the thawing of winter and the budding of spring.

thank you, God, for this sweet reminder.

One more time for Papa (Nov. 3, 1938- Feb. 20, 2008)

a sax player will play the tune to this tomorrow, at Papa's funeral.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

the other tune he will play is Julio Iglesias' "To All the Girls I've Loved Before". : )

Goodbye, Papa.

I will never forget the lessons you taught, and you will always be in my heart.

In Blackwater Woods

by Mary Oliver, American Primitive (Little, Brown and Co., 1984)

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Love remains

one of the last things Mama was doing before she had her stroke was to search the Internet for an electric wheelchair she could charge to her Medicare and send to Papa. one of her last emails to me "complained" about having to fill out so many forms online it made her head ache and her body tired... although it was palpably obvious from her tone that she was enjoying feeling useful and powerful and in some sort of control and significant contribution, too, for a change.

in the last few days here, too, during one of Papa's few waking and lucid moments, he would talk about how it was when Mama gave birth to my sister, Honey, 38 years ago, and was in critical condition due to complications. he would recall snippets of events, like how a nun came up to him and asked for donations, when he was hard pressed to pay for the hospital bills, and how the nun was so obnoxiously aggressive he snapped at her and even told her that if she weren't a nun he would slap her. (that's Papa, alright! :S ) he also recalled how he felt so scared and stressed looking for Mama's Type AB blood all over the city, and even had blood chartered in from Cebu just to save her. the other day, when Honey was with him, he finally asked how Mama was doing in Georgia, and Honey, without really telling him Mama just had a stroke and is in critical condition, told him how she's in the hospital too and suffering so.

...

actually, despite their polar differences in many ways and their stormy 22-year marriage (i can never recall a day of complete peace and rest, it was either up or down, amplified to the nth degree), they are also essentially alike: stubborn, willful, and passionate fighters both who won't take sh_t from anyone.

my brother, Tope, and i, recently texted about this and shared how they also basically just differed in how they expressed these same qualities: she, positively; he, negatively so. we even half-joked in our commiseration: maybe they both are really destined to be together, after all. true soulmates. : )

or maybe, we just want to comfort ourselves and make ourselves feel better with this thought, too.

somehow, though, i have started to sleep well and peacefully again.

Love remains.

in the end, or whatever happens now, i sleep with this knowing.

Love remains.

this may be their finest legacy to us three. after all is said and done and all the detours and journeys taken all around, up and down--

Love remains.

Papa and Mama

it's touch and go for Papa and Mama today.

after a bout of lucidity and extreme talkativeness yesterday afternoon, Papa's blood sugar fell dangerously low last night, his lowest ever, and he is now back to semi-sedation.

Mama hasn't come out of her drugged sleep yet for two days now. She's still in the ICU and they're also still doing dialysis on her even while she sleeps.

today would have been their 42nd wedding anniversary, if they hadn't ended their marriage in 1988.

i had difficulty sleeping again last night. until i let the hot tears flow.

it is always easier to sleep after a good, long cry.

questions of the heart

both Papa and Mama are currently in separate hospitals, with Mama in the ICU for her third stroke and Papa just out of surgery for left leg amputation due to diabetes complications-- another and more serious bout of the life-threatening diseases they both seemed to have collected separately after their marriage broke down, 20 years ago.

i go through the motions of making my visits and calls, but i don't really know what to say or do to ease their pain.

i just show up. i figure, somehow, i hope my visits and calls still help.

the other day, i found a used book for sale in the mall, something on change, loss and grief, and im reading it to help me, so i can help them, if i still can.

and then, there are the questions of my heart...

seeing them in pain breaks my heart so, is it better that they continue to live, or die now?

what are their lives about, then?

and who am i (again)?

what is my life about (again)?

what is Life about, then?

these questions haunt me most especially when im in bed at night, should be falling asleep, but can't.

...

they haunt me too, during the day, especially when im alone, driving.

it doesn't help that that day one week ago Papa was to be undergoing surgery and needing Type A+ blood, and it fell upon me to look for the blood, and in my nervousness, i also went in for fasting blood sugar testing, and i recently went back for my tests and found i had 221 mg/dL when the normal range is only 70-110 mg/dL!

more questions assail me...

does that mean im diabetic now too? (both Papa and Mama are)

what if i go their way soon?

what will happen to me?

who will take care of my kids?

what about B and i, and our long and lasting love?

...

i try to take even better care of my self now-- eating more healthily, exercising more regularly, meditating more often, feeding my mind only positive things and consciously thinking positively but-- i am also feeling so onion-skinned these days. sometimes i dread having people so close by. i am afraid that if they just so much as touch me by accident, i would totally come undone.

it's a struggle just holding my self together these days. i feel like a Lego toy with the plug-in parts all loose and unwieldy.

these days, i just want to stay even more at home, and just be close to my kids, and B...


where do i go from here, dear heart?

The Universe is Funny

for around 6 weeks now, as part of my meditations and daily affirmations, i've been creatively visualizing for a certain amount of money to flow into my life, not because i need it desperately but because it would sure help to pay off some things im currently just paying installment on, plus a few other little dreams which would really be nice if they came quicker, like visiting Mama again for her birthday in May, but with all my kids this time.

anyway, after a couple of weeks of trying out and finetuning my affirmation to aid me in my visualization, this was the affirmation i finally came up with that i was comfortable with and that resonated with me--

Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better.

-- even as i creatively visualized my self receiving the money in a small bag i already have prepared, and going around paying off accounts happily, and having my kids and i happily boarding the plane to Atlanta and having happy times with Mama and Larry.

as what usually happens in the manifesting process, certain little "signs of land" start appearing. like my receiving in the mail two new credit cards i don't even remember applying for, but whose credit limit would allow me and the kids to already fund our one-way trip to Atlanta!

i said thank you of course to the Universe, and also reminded her that please, no more debts okay, pure income and cash would be so much more appreciated!

then Papa got hospitalized last Jan. 16, and is still in the hospital up to now, from diabetes complications. first, he was just admitted to have his 3 left small toes amputated but ended up with his needing to have his whole left leg amputated and needing a significant amount of blood transfusion. he is still recovering slowly up to now, but he seemed better yesterday, than the last 5 days after the major leg amputation.

anyway, the point is, because of Papa's health crisis, it fell upon me to temporarily manage his finances and make sure they are alright. so my last two weeks have been mostly spent going to banks and dealing with people there and counting money, either for deposit or for withdrawal.

another major "sign of land"! : ) i recognized that early on. i said to my self, thank you God, for this sign of land, further leading me to the manifesting of my heart's desire! i get to practice counting huge sums of money again and feel what it feels like : ), even as i get to practice dealing with bank people again for large sums of money!

still, the money is not my own, but Papa's.

then it just hit me yesterday while i was walking under the noonday sun-- of course, my affirmation has already come true: this is the equivalent of $nnnnn.nn (even 5x more) ALREADY IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, isn't it?

except that the money is not mine. : ) heehee!!!

ohhhh Universe, youuuuuu!!!

so now i'm further fintetuning my affirmation--

Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already MINE and in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better!

be careful of what you pray for: be specific!!!

; ) : ) : )

Today's Quote

People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.

- copied from a friend's MySpace comments log : )

for papa

Squidoo

This is what I've been having fun with working hard (it doesn't feel like hard work when you're having fun though) on lately -- my Squidoo lenses! (< click to check them out)

These are my lenses there so far (still tweaking them even as I might add more as inspiration moves me!):

How to Create and Live the Abundant Life
Affliate Marketing for Newbies: Traps and Tips
Children, Children's Books and Life Lessons
Womanly Ways, Goddess Ways
Everyday Creative Conflict Transformation

What is Squidoo?

SKWID-OO, n. v., adj., addiction:
1) thousands of people creating a handbuilt catalog of the best stuff online.
2) a free and fun way to make your own page and get traffic and online word of mouth and Google juice.
3) a place to find what you're looking for, fast.

And if your lenses are good enough, you get to earn money and donate to charity, too!

Sign up for Squidoo here.

My Perfect Life

while sorting through my computer files, i found this "Declaration" i wrote around 6 months ago, at a very heartbreaking time in my life, because the love i thought was The One was not The One at all.

although this was written 6 months ago, i wrote in my diary snippets of this "Declaration" over the course of the last 2 years of further handcrafting my life. i only managed to put them all together here that darkest day in June when, in the depths of my despair, i also resolved to my self that, like Scarlett O'Hara clutching the soil of Tara in her hand, "As God is my witness--" I will not take this like a victim! : )

anyway, i post this here now because i my self am amazed: the life i have now is 90% what this Declaration describes! very soon (as in 6 days later!) after i let go of that old love that wasn't for me and wrote this Declaration, i met Someone Special who's turning out to be a true partner of my mind, heart, spirit (and body : >) and we are in a beautifully growing and deep Love and Friendship-- i'm keeping my fingers crossed. : )

there is power in decreeing, indeed!

so here it is, my Perfect Life, as declared by me! : >

My Perfect Life
(Decreed June 25, 2007)


Me

I am at peace with my self, with who I am, and happy with being authentically me, and growing each moment to be the finest soul I can be, in all ways. I treat other people with honor, honesty and respect, in the same manner that I always expect to be treated with honor, honesty and respect, too.

Children and Family

I take good care of my children and other people placed in my path and in my care, in all ways—physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually—the best way I can, and they take good care of me too the best ways they can. We enjoy good, healthy, affirming relationships based on respect, trust, openness and honesty, peace and freedom to let each other be as authentically as each can be, being the best each can be. Our simple rules we live by at home: be honest, be kind, speak gently, and clean up your own mess.

Love

My Twin Flame Soulmate and I are happily married to each other; we are the best of friends and lovers for life! We both enjoy a very good, stable, happy, joyful, healthy, peaceful and abundant Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family Life together, sharing our selves and our lives with each other intimately yet also lovingly allowing each other the freedom to be and grow to be the finest soul each can be. Our love for each other extends to our children and the rest of our family, friends and community. Our love for each other heals and transforms and inspires us both, as well as the lives of those we touch.

My Work

I work mainly based from home, writing, communicating, helping people, teaching, traveling all over the world and receiving abundant blessings in material or other forms, enough to take care of my self and my children very comfortably, allowing us to be the best we can be.

My Community: the World

My being authentically me extends its light and gifts to my children and family, to my Twin Flame Soulmate, to my work, and ultimately, to my community and the rest of the world, which I consider my world community. There is no strict division of boundaries, each fund the other, and the world is my home, a happy, peaceful, loving place I make and make with all the people placed in my path and care.

I leave this world someday better than I have found it. My presence in it, my life as I have lived it, is a blessing to all whom I have met.

2008: I'm Coming Out

I'm coming out, here.

Today's Quote

"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided." - Anthony Robbins

parenting moments

these all happened yesterday--

1. Paolo calls me up to ask if he can spend New Year's Eve with his boy cousins from his Dad's side. (He's been out of the house since their Christmas break started last Dec. 21, first sleeping over at his cousins from my side, then with his cousins from his father's side... everyone loves having him around, and we have to "schedule" his visits because everyone wants him first!)

anyway, i say, "sure, palangga (dear)."

silent pause from him. "aren't you mad at me, ma?"

me: "why would i be mad, palangga?"

paolo: "because i haven't been home for so long. they say you're going to get mad at me."

me: "are you happy where you are 'langga? do they feed you well? are you safe?"

paolo: "yes, i am, ma!"

me: "that's what matters, langga. of course i miss you, but what matters is you're happy where you are."

i could see him grinning at the other end of the phone.

paolo: "you sure are a strange mom, but im glad you're my mom! i love you, ma!!!"


***


2. i was lying on my tummy in bed, writing on my journal, last night. Bea was beside me, happily chatting away while i nod from time to time and say, "uh...huh..."

after a while, i sense her squirming around and wriggling on the bed, her arms stuck to her sides. "what are you doing,'langga?", i asked her.

"i'm a worm," she says.

"why are you being a worm?" i ask.

"i want to know how worms move," she explains.

so i let her squirm around on the bed, even as i try to write.

after a while, she declares, "i move by pushing my knees, mama. but worms don't have knees... so, how do they move?"

(this was the little girl who once asked me too if ants had eyelashes, and what our eyebrows are for!)

: )

well, what could i say except my standard reply these days, "Look it up in Google."

: ) : ) : )

***

3. after dinner, while cleaning up, Thea blurts out to me, "Ma, L (her groupie friend from their band) says he likes me!"

i grin at her and say, "i know."

"how do you know, ma?"

"i saw him gazing at you the last time i brought you to your band practice. he had this shy, lovesick look in his eyes."

"he asked me to watch a movie with him, and i don't want to!" but she's smiling as she says this.

"uh... oh... just tell him you're not allowed to go on couple dates yet 'langga. (until this moment, i have never mentioned this to her.) group dates, yes, but no couple dates until you're 18 or 20..."

"i know, ma (she knows??? how???), but it's not that... i just see him as a brotherly friend... i already like R (this other guy from another school who calls her on the phone every night; i haven't met him so i don't like him yet!)... i don't want to be playing around!"

(playing around, my God! it's not as if they're committed or something, and i tell her so. and then i pick up where i left off in my lecture and try to explain to her as gently as i can that even i didn't go on couple dates until after college, because her grandpa was so strict, and i realize only now why and he was right, about curiosity and trying not to get too involved with someone or something you're not ready for yet, yada, yada, etc.)

thea cuts me off gently with just 3 words: "yes, ma. hormones."

i stare at her, and then i smile sheepishly as she smiles understandingly... like i was some kid she was patiently humoring.

huh???!!! : O