Stop the BS and take it back to where it belongs-- Stop Con-Ass!

Bayan Ko

Stop the bullshit.

Bayan Ko / Pilipinas Kong Mahal

Conspiracy of the Rich

Read this as a crash course on the global financial crisis and why we have gotten into this mess and who are responsible for it and what you, as an individual, can do about it...

Read this to save your life.

mortal thoughts

bea is in my bed, sound asleep. thea and polo are with their dad, for a change. i am alone in a quiet house, my thoughts my only company.

i had a good day today--ticked off most of my little To Dos (although i still have 3 left... oh well, i'll just move them to tomorrow, as usual), had a fun time meeting with colleagues in my Econ. Dept. over lunch at Sugarland's Twist cafe, went grocery-shopping (To Do for tomorrow moved to today) with bea for polo's birthday party on april 29, and had dinner with bea too at Kuppa enjoying a quiet time together.

the thoughts occupying my mind since lunchtime today, though, are about my health. i found out at the meeting how to go about availing of our university health care, which i've never availed of (except for dental services) all these years i've been at the university.

i've been feeling mostly fatigued since late last year; i thought it was just grief from papa's and mama's passing just a year ago, but now im not so sure. i know for sure i have high blood sugar levels; i've been using papa's leftover home tester and testing my self weekly until the strips ran out. and i've asked my sister-in-law to issue me a prescription for low-cost but effective metformin...

i've also been really serious about taking better care of my self, converting to using pi water for drinking at home, eating more fruits and veggies, sleeping and resting whenever my body asked for it, exercising more with my long walks, meditating more, divesting my self of many commitments and just basically simplifying my life.

still, i can't help feeling anxious.

i'm basically all alone now, with papa and mama gone, and my two siblings with their own families to take care of, with still 3 young children in my care.

i've just texted a doctor-friend a best friend recommended, as to when would be a good time for me to visit her tomorrow; i'm still awaiting her reply.

basically, i've learned from the lunch meeting that to avail of our university health care without paying a cent, or at most paying minimally, one has to get one's self admitted to the hospital for at least 24 hours, and have one's doctor order for all tests there.

i'm okay about seeing the doctor for consultation tomorrow or soon. i feel anxious, though, about going to the hospital, and admitting my self, alone, and staying there overnight, alone.

the memories from taking care of papa here, and then mama in Georgia, in January to March last year are still raw; it feels like i've had my fill of hospitals for a lifetime already.

and i dread the thought of sleeping on a hospital bed alone. i've heard enough ghost stories from the nurses.

and even if there were no ghosts, what if some crazy person came in and murdered me in my sleep?

the obvious solution would be to have somebody there with me. i would love for one of the kids to go, but it wouldn't be good for them, having to sleep on a sofa. it wouldn't be good for me, too, having to take care of them when i should just be concentrating on resting and taking care of me.

i could ask our household helper, who's also been the kids' nanny... but who will be left alone with the kids?

i could ask my sister for any one of her household help... or even Nanay Asyon, our own nanny while we were growing up and who's still in our family home...

but then again, i also would like a quiet day and night all to my self, reading, and not talking to anyone else unless necessary.

sigh.

i remember i used to say to my self when i was in my 30s that i'd never get this old-sounding like the people around me: talking on and on about their health and tests and medicines.

but now it has hit me, right smack when i turned 40! not only because papa died 9 days before my birthday, and mama died 10 days after my birthday last year, and i was almost living round-the-clock in hospitals halfway across the world from each other... it was also when i discovered my incredibly high blood sugar levels when i had my self tested for it while waiting to get blood for papa at the blood bank and laboratory during one of his crisis times before he died.

sigh.

so this is it: my mortality staring me in the face.

no wonder i've been feeling so fatigued, if not for anything else.

somehow, much of the world has lost its taste for me-- except for my children, and my writing. the rest can go hang.

i'm feeling like i'm just marking time here now.

what to write?

what to write here?

i am stumped.

this is funny and ironic, considering that this blog started my blogging life and deeper immersion into the online world some 5 years ago, as well as birthed 3 more main blogs, and then 2 or 3 more sub-blogs (children of the main blogs), plus at least 4 Wordpress blogs, my own author site and blog, and my various social networking blogs and notes.

lately, i've been mostly engaged with Facebook, so that must account for my non-writing here, as well as in my other blogs and sites.

i suspect, though, that maybe it's because Mama -- my number 1 blog follower-- is gone, and so one of my main motivations for keeping the blogs up and alive is gone, too. it was not only my way of keeping in contact with her aside from emails, but a way of letting her into my world, in a side-stage kind of way. there are things you can speak about to strangers but you cannot speak about to your mom in a personal email. blogging helped facilitate that in-between world.

even B does not follow my blogs anymore. : ( i guess we know each other deeply enough for him to not have to do that. but i still wished he would. you can never know a person deeply enough, if you care to look closer. every moment changes us, if we care to pay more attention. and life is so short!

lately, i've even been tempted to just erase all my blogs and my presence here online, except for my author site and blog. like a way of starting all over again, clean slate.

but then again, i am still attached to my old posts, if only as a way of revisiting who i was before from time to time, and measure it with who i am now.

maybe, too, it's because i've turned back to handwriting in my physical journal now, as well as turned to my morning meditations first thing in my days... there are things one knows but cannot speak of without demeaning them somehow. there are things that have to be experienced and felt to be fully understood. there are things simply beyond words...

oh well, so... life has happened.

am i less of who i am because i share less here? or have i, actually, become more of who i am because i keep to my self more?

time will tell.

Life will let me know.

audacious living

would you believe i'm going to a "high tea party" at the city's poshest subdivision in a little while, with Paolo and Bea tagging along, with only P200 in my wallet and official payday still 10 days away?

but no one would know unless i tell them, right? ) besides, the kids and i are dressed like we belong there. heehee.

what the heck. i got an rsvp invitation when i emailed them to ask about their land rates a few weeks ago. so i accepted!

most people would call it foolish. audacious even.

i call it living my Dreams. now. every chance i can, every opportunity i'm offered. just getting into the "feel" of it, at the very least.

the more you feel like you're one with it, and it's one with you, the sooner it manifests for you, physically. that's how it has always worked for me.

and it just occurred to me now-- isn't it funny that the most ardent naysayers are the ones who also don't have what you want? and they have the gall to "advise" you on why it can't, won't possibly happen?!

"My One Boobed Mamma" now on Amazon and B&N!

My third children's book, My One Boobed Mamma, is now on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble! Yay!

(Please click on "Amazon.com" and "Barnes and Noble" above to link to the exact pages. Thank you!)

Happy International Women's Day to all the brave and soulful women out there!

hello, goodbye

i have not heard from you
since New Year's Day--
'makes me wonder if
you've died.

but i've scanned
and searched
the Wheaton obituaries
and your name wasn't there.

it would be so easy
to think:
your Silence
is a reflection
on my value.

but not anymore.
i know better now.
thank God!
for saving me
from that crap.

people can break
or shut down
under pressure;
i don't.
(not break, at least;
shut down, yes.)

that's how i choose
to think
about your Silence
now.

so, the first day
after i turned 41
i said hello again--
that is,
if you are still alive,
only with a horrible case
of cabin fever.

my hello
could also be
my goodbye.
that is up to you
to take
or leave.

so,
hello.

Spring
is coming.

if you're not careful,
you'll lose me
forever.

just enough

i left school early today (my IDS classes called off, for IDS Week) to pay the electricity bill, and then to shop for food and stuff for the home as it's my turn soon (the ex takes care of the food needs every 16th to the 31st of the month).

when i received my university pay a few days ago, plus my butterfly biz dollar commission at around the same time, i felt thankful that i had double the pay all my other colleagues usually receive, since they just rely on their university work. for me, i felt "mucho" then, and it was a good feeling. : )

but when i lay down with my self these past few days (i like to lie down on my tummy in bed when im doing bills, the position seems to make my mind clearer, more alert), counting up all the bills and payables against the money i've just recently received-- i was dismayed to find that it still wasn't enough. : (

of course, it's almost always this way for everyone, i realized...

but since i've committed to paying my self first (by putting away first the 10% of all incomes received) last Feb. 1, i was pleasantly surprised to have had actually extra money come in from other sources-- like a hefty refund from the university bookstore for a bookkeeping error they made, and even a surprise $110 check from my short-lived fumbles with internet marketing a year ago (i was on for only two months, and invested around $80; i guess this is profiting time now huh? except that i stopped my sites and memberships then ... so whatever incomes i'll still receive would be passive, residual incomes... hmmm... at least now i know these stuff do work!)

so it added to my mucho feeling these last weeks, like it was the Universe's way of supporting my attempts to not only become more fiscally responsible but even grow towards becoming fiscally powerful!

still, as i walked down the grocery aisle this afternoon, mentally calculating and recalculating my grocery bill when i'm done, i felt more and more deflated as i realized i even have to wipe out whatever Asset Buildup Fund (that's what I call my 10% stash) i've built up so far, not only with the increased food and grocery prices, but also paying for the additional expenses for Thea's Prom, which is due in a week.

i came home feeling deflated... defeated even.

maybe it's just better to just go back to the old ways and not even attempt at my Asset Buildup Fund... who was i kidding? : (

but then, as i turn on some meditation music and set the table for my lunch (even if it's takeout, i prefer to eat the food as if i'm on fine dining :> ), and then savor a long shower... i started mentally calculating again the remaining needs i have to cover before next payday, and i am again amazed at how the money i have left now is EXACTLY the money i'll need to cover for the remaining needs!

knock on wood, barring accidents and emergencies, i actually have just enough.

always.

i used to call it a miracle, but when it happens more often than not, i think now that it is really how Life is, when we just go with the flow, do our best in each moment, and leave the rest to God.

"Give us this day, our daily bread"... so, yes, we do have our daily bread always, in just enough proportions for the needs of the day.

for the rest of the uncontrollables and unexpecteds, my children and i just live again on God's Grace, even as having just enough now is also God's Grace.

and then, i remember how i took my one year unpaid university leave last school year-- i only actually had savings enough to tide us over for the next month but people didn't believe me when i said i was just living on God's Grace. they thought that if i had the audacity to take a year's unpaid leave off from work for A YEAR, i must have at least a year's savings stashed, too!

well, in a way, i guess, i had. although it wasn't in my accounts nor in my pockets yet... heehee. they were still in Heaven, on the way to me, and available only for withdrawal when the need arose! ; D

so, see, dear heart? if you survived that audacious, crazy year and even managed to travel to the US twice (and not at your own expense), how much more now and the coming days when you actually have more of your wits and "rationality" about you, and with your intention now to "break out of the rat race and start making your money work for you" ( per "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" Robert Kiyosaki's advice)?

do not be afraid, dear heart.

you have enough.

you always have enough.

and you are always taken care of.

you know that.

Consumatum est

Consumatum est.
The Truth is finally revealed--
I was used
with my half-conscious consent:
niceness and kindness
and too much live-and-let-live,
my own chains;
the princess bird in her gilded cage
all over again.

Consumatum est.
I finally woke up,
though slowly,
to my own awakening.
One can only take so much.

"Piggy-backing",
Doing one thing yet naming it another,
As a matter of fact,
As a matter of course.
Call it what you will,
I still call it lying.

Consumatum est.
The Lie is finally put to rest.
I will have no part of it anymore.
Consumatum est.

Brighter Days

song by Ronan Keating

I've done a lot of
Living in my life
Chased my share of
Rainbows in the sky
Before I stopped to
Ask the question why
I've fallen out of love
Too many times
But now I see
The possibilities
Oh how my life could be

[CHORUS:]
From any other love
I'd walk away
Love is temporary
I would say
Now each night I
Find a reason to stay
With you there's
Always brighter days

I've broken a heart
A heart or two
I've let the curtain fall
I guess, it's true
The thought of
Something borrowed
Something blue
Was something that
I never could pursue

But now you're here
My doubt has disappeared
The clouds are gone
It's clear

[Repeat chorus]

Even on the coolest nights
Even when the
Sun won't shine
It's sweeter in
The morning time
Just knowing that
You're there

[Repeat chorus]

this news made me cry

93-year-old froze to death, owed big utility bill

what kind of a world have we come to???

25 (not so) Random Things

Rules: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 Things

1. I am half Chinese by blood, a fourth Spanish, and a fourth crazy. Err, I also meant a fourth Filipino (but who is the Filipino with no other races' blood mixed in)?
2. I am a reluctant Chinese. I spent my kindergarten, elementary and high school years in a Chinese school, but I refuse to speak Chinese. Probably out of rebellion for the very strict, authoritarian (no questions asked, especially from girls) upbringing.
3. Funny thing, though-- I LOVE Chinese food!
4. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
5. When I grew up I wanted to be a book author. But then, Papa said writers starve. So then, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, Papa said with my very sensitive (he called it weak) constitution, I couldn't stand the pressure. So then, I wanted to be a nun. Papa went speechless with that. : )
6. Now I'm a happy book author and teacher and mother.
7. I discovered as early as age 6 that what I fervently, earnestly prayed for with all my heart, mind and soul, came true.
8. At age 6, I prayed that my (baptismal) name that I was using then, "Jeanette", be changed into "Mary Jane" (because of a popular song then which went, "Mary Jane of my mind..."). When I entered grade 1, the school asked for my civil-registered birth certificate, and lo and behold, even my parents were surprised and confused, my name was registered as "Mary Jean"! : O Civil registry clerks had a lot of power then... they typed whatever was convenient for them, and parents signed without checking.
9. Lately though, I've been using "Jeanette" again-- my spiritual name, as I've come into my own, come back to my own spirit at last.
10. I still feel so eternally blessed that I was able to pass through the proverbial needle of
a horrible marriage, had it annulled both civilly and in church, and came out much better for it. That's why I'm so careful now with just thoughtlessly giving my precious freedom away again... Uh-oh, not this time. I peer keenly into a man's CHARACTER now, especially in stressful, conflict situations. That's always the best test. (Shhh... sometimes when the going gets too easy... I make myself BE the stress! :> )
11. There are only 3 Rules I live by now-- always be true to your Self/follow your heart; be honest, be kind.
12. My deal-breakers: dishonesty (yes, including not being true to one's word) and cruelty in all forms.
13. I am an incurable romantic and indefatigable optimist.
14. I also love sex... and good food, and travel, and learning about many cultures, and books, and Nature, and long walks, and children, and good coffee with good conversation ... well, all the abundance of Life, really!
15. I am tired of starting all my sentences with "I" here, and my mind is going blank. But, Adeline started this, and is waiting for my turn.
16. I meditate regularly, almost daily, for 30-minutes to an hour. It keeps me centered.
17. I write on my journal daily, too. It keeps my mind clear.
18. I am relieved to see I'm on No. 18 now! : )
19. I can never over-repeat this: I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
20. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
21. I am also allergic to alcohol. Once I passed out just from Maria Clara Sangria. And even if I just taste beer suds or take a sip of wine or whisky, I turn beet red. Once in Romania, though, I drank two bottles of red wine, straight, just to keep warm. And then my older companions advised me to drink pitchers of water at the hotel afterwards, to prevent a hangover. I woke up very late, but feeling heavenly, with no allergic rashes at all. Maybe that's the exception.
22. There are only a few things I want to devote my energies to for the rest of my life now: being in good health (for me and my loved ones); living a happy Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family life with my Soulmate for the rest of our lives; helping touch and transform others for the better through my gifts in writing and speaking; and traveling the world with my Love and our children.
23. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
24. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
25. I am allergic to blamers and complainers. Enough said.

Thank you for reading down to here--congratulations! : )

Now it's your turn.

i miss the hungry years

Please click here.

The Path to Joy

10 Principles of Spiritual Optimism by Deepak Chopra ( please click on "10 Principles" to get to the complete article. )

(Adapted from "Why is God Laughing: The Path to Joy and Spiritual Optimism" by Deepak Chopra, Harmony Books, 2008)

***

i want to post here the pictures and diary of my kids' and my Grand Manila Vacation last Dec. 19-24 where we did the rounds of Ocean Park, Enchanted Kingdom, Museo Pambata and Fort Santiago, The Fort and Bonifacio High Street, even a special trip to the Philippine Army's Civil Military Operations School and the American War Memorial (courtesy of my one and only and best brother in the world!), and of course, Star City and a little ice skating and shopping at Mall of Asia to round it up, while sandwiching in between their U.S. non-immigrant visa interviews (yep, they were approved with 10-year multiple-entry visas each, and without even being asked for our docs! ohhhhh God is soooooo great!)... but the 250plus pictures take so long uploading, and i'm not in the mood right now for copying our diary to this blog... so that will have to wait for better times, and im posting the one above instead as my way of contributing to a Happy 2009 for all of us! : )

Abundant New Year blessings!

questions

once, while introducing Peace Journalism to a group of campus journalists, i asked the question--

"what five-letter word do we always speak of, hear of, write about, talk about, but can never get enough of?"

of course, the answer was a give-away: "Peace", and the audience almost simultaneously spoke it.

then, i asked--

"how come? if we speak, hear, write, talk about it so much, how come we still don't have it in our midst?"

that took a while answering. and the audience fell silent for a couple of minutes.

then, somebody ventured, "maybe, it's because we don't live it out yet? when we actually live something out, we don't even speak of it anymore?"

i smiled and nodded, and the audience guffawed when i said, "just like sex, no? the people who keep talking about it are the ones who are not having it in their lives, true?"

: )

***

this makes me wonder now about which is deeper, truer then... the pain that one can speak of and describe in all its gory, gnashing detail--

or the one which renders one wordless?

...

in the same vein, which is the truer, deeper love then... the love that everyone knows about because one announces its every nuance and development--

or the one which is kept in the silence of one's heart?

wow

this is what my Tarot.com horoscope said yesterday--

Wednesday, Nov 26th, 2008 -- People more powerful than any you've known will enter your life over the next decade, forcing you to reassess your priorities. This may take a while to notice, but it can begin as you get involved with new social groups or organizations. Not surprisingly, as your friends change, so will your world. Even if you cannot yet fathom what's ahead, just remember to voluntarily let go of the past when it's time. Struggling to hold on to the wrong things can exhaust you when you need your energy for something more important.

and this is what it says today--

Just give yourself the space to dream big because anything is possible. The greatest limitations at this time will arise from within your own mind.

A cosmic explanation for the Obama era

From my Astrocenter.com free subscription email:

Change is coming, fight it as you may! The expansive, worldly sign of Capricorn welcomes Pluto this week for a 16-year stay, heralding a time of complete global transformation - in economies, structures, and governments.

On a more personal aspect, this is what Pluto (the planet of transformation) in Capricorn (the sign of worldly matters) has for me--

A New Moon in your career zone on Thursday paves the way for a new beginning, especially if you're embarking on a new job. Your first tentative steps will lead to great things. Pluto moves into your social zone on Wednesday, where it will remain until 2024. It's going to transform your social life from the inside out, bringing you new high-powered friends and encouraging you to be practical and realistic about your long-term hopes and dreams. You're going to be in the spotlight whether you want to be or not. Get ready!

Wow.

Does this explain all the "fame" I've started to experience lately, as a preview and jumpstart of things to come?

Wow.

***

For more on Pluto in Capricorn, please click here.

Some points I'd like to highlight about what this astrological transit means, though:

Pluto transits typically include a breakdown phase, where structures that no longer serve us are dismantled to make room for new structures that are more in line with our spiritual evolution. I like to think of these periods as course corrections, where our guides or gods decide that certain changes are required. If we understand the process and can surrender to it with trust, this can be an exhilarating time of transformation and empowerment. If we resist and hold on to the past it can be full of tragedy and pain.

When Pluto goes through Capricorn we can expect the transformation of all things ruled by that sign - such as our religious institutions, halls of government and political structures, the way we inter our dead and take care of our old people, construction techniques and buildings, and how we handle ownership of property.

Pluto will be entering Capricorn for the first time January 25, 2008 and will retrograde back into Sagittarius one final time on June 14. It will journey back into Capricorn on November 26, 2008 and remain there until January 21, 2024. For sixteen years, Pluto will engage in a process of breaking down and then rebuilding the structures on which we depend for a successful experience in the material world.

8 Ways to Increase Hope

Don't let bad news and depressing outer circumstances get you down. You can still create hope, for your self and for others. To read more, please click here.

1. Be kind to your self. Take "care breaks" as frequently as you need to.

2. Create a daily 5-minute silence ritual to stay connected to your Soul.

3. Curtail your intake of news.

4. Treat each day like a precious gift. Be vigilant in looking for things and people to appreciate. What if today was the last day of your life?

5. Take a break to savor Nature and to remind you of the timeless ways and truths of Life.

6. Express love tangibly.

7. Say this affirmation every day and see where it leads you: "I am the key to Peace."

8. Make a positive difference. Our accumulated gestures of care and compassion will ultimately transform our lives and the lives of others. We are each the source of that transformation.

children

My 8-year-old Bea keeps saying lately how she wants to be the first lady President.

of the United States of America.

: ) : ) : )

***

i'm scheduled to do a volunteer storytelling session with 3-4 year-olds on Monday at the Provincial Library, whose librarian asked me to do so some weeks ago, in celebration of National Book Month.

it's strange how I'm feeling jittery and self-doubting about my ability to engage my audience, when I've been going around the country these past few years training and speaking to even thousands (1,700 has been my biggest audience so far) of older people!

there's something more special, even sacred, with having a session with 3- to 4-year-olds, i guess. they're purer, clearer, more transparent, more honest-- either you jell with them or you don't.

God help and bless me and these children! May our time together be mutually enriching and blessed!

3:44 a.m. thoughts

the kids and i bought a new 8-foot Christmas tree and its matching ornaments of green, gold and copper today. Thea wanted an autumn look.

they put it up and decorated it as i watched.

our trees grew over the years as they grew, from a 3-foot one to a 6-foot one, and now our big and tall, 8-foot majestic tree almost touching the ceiling.

we all beamed joyfully as we ate the fusilli pasta Thea and Bea made earlier, over candlelight (since it was a brownout), and i proclaimed as we admired our "Royal" tree, "first a bigger, more elegant tree, next a bigger, more elegant house!" : )

***

i miss Papa and Mama.

I'm in Inquirer! : )

Negrense writer goes international < (click)

"Tight Times" nominated for National Book Awards TWICE!

I am honored to learn that "Tight Times" has been nominated in the Manila Critics Circle's and the National Book Development Board's National Book Awards for books published in 2007 not only once but TWICE-- for children's literature and best design.



To think that among the three stories I submitted for PBBY Salanga 2007 before, I thought "Tight Times" was the "weakest" because it required less effort from me in terms of craft, that it just flowed when written...

Hmmm... come to think of it... so did "Papa's House, Mama's House" (PBBY Salanga 2004 grand prize winner)!

***

Maybe the writing flowed in these because the effort was in the months and years of actually living them out.

IPRA memories, Leuven, Belgium (July 15-19, 2008)

Photobucket Album

surrounded by angels

i have 7 kids aged 8 to 15 sleeping in my home.

my 3 treasures--Thea, Paolo and Bea-- had such fun with their cousins at the Greenhills Memorial Park yesterday, they wanted to sleep over at Angkong's and Grandma's mausoleum! in the end, they decided on a happy compromise (as the cemetery had to close by 10pm): sleep over at my home instead.

my place's being the next best thing to Angkong's and Grandma's mausoleum is something i consider a compliment. : ) apparently, the kids feel comfortable with me and trust me enough for their joy and fun.

so, after we got home from the cemetery at past 11pm last night, i proceeded to my own bedroom to sleep, while their evening had just finally started.

as i slept, they had the run of the house, doing as they pleased-- some tinkering on the piano organ, some watching dvd copies of The Simpsons, some chatting on the net, some playing card games, and everyone feasting on the leftover-food-from-the-cemetery-celebration on the table, including the tub of Mahinay native ice cream we brought home with us.

now, the house is quiet as everyone (except for Redd, who hasn't slept yet!) is asleep. : )

as for me, i must've mastered the art of sleeping amidst chaos, as i slept very soundly, peacefully and happily last night.

on second thought, who wouldn't sleep so well, knowing one is surrounded by angels?

Today's Sharing: Soul and the Alchemy of Crisis

I'm not really in a sharing-my-self mode lately, more on inner-journeying, hibernation mode, but here are some stuff I find beautiful, and which reflect where I'm at right now, too...

We all flow from one fountain—Soul. All are expressions of one love. God does not appear, and flow out, only from narrow chinks and round bored wells here and there in favored races and places, but He flows in grand undivided currents, shoreless and boundless over creeds and forms and all kinds of civilizations and peoples and beasts, saturating all.
-John Muir

***

In The Alchemy of Crisis, my favorite quotes:

... "How do you live?" Not only survive to save your skin, but how do you survive as a soul? How do you reinvent yourself after catastrophe? How do you handle the really extreme things that life deals you and come through intact—and with curiosity and interest and enthusiasm in your life?

- O -

You have these moments when you snap awake, and you’re in the present. And it happens so rarely that when it does, it feels like almost like an altered state. And you think, "What’s different now?" And what’s different is that my eyes are open and I’m seeing. I’m actually here. These sacred moments are happening all of the time. But we’re in a kind of trance. We’re in a workaday, mundane hallucination of ordinariness. And what you realize is when you touch mortality, where life and death meet, that’s where epiphanies happen. Nothing is ordinary. What could be less ordinary than being alive? On this mysterious planet? It’s extraordinary.

And when you have that experience, it changes how you see. Not permanently, in every minute. You're still screwed up, struggling you, but you have a reference point for something that’s beyond mundane.

- O -

What’s the difference between people who transform in crisis and people who melt?

One of the most important things is being able to imagine yourself in a new way. If you can’t, it’s very hard to come through fire. When mystics talk about ego-death—it’s a very literal experience. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not easy. But you realize you are so much bigger than you thought you were.

Most of us have to be forced, kicking and screaming, to give up our ordinary life, even if we’re not happy. That’s what’s amazing. A lot of people would rather hold on to the hell they know. And those are the people who melt. One guy I spoke to, he was in the hospital for eight months and said he could tell within a couple of minutes whether somebody was going to survive or not—and it had to do with whether they were willing to see themselves in a new way. If they couldn’t, they were doomed.

What conditions have to exist for us to imagine ourselves different?

One is the inability to escape. Because most people will run away from whatever is uncomfortable. The inability to escape is a blessing because it really, truly forces you to be there, grow through that, and then transform.

So transformation isn't about will?

No, no. When you’re going through rapids, often it’s surrender that gets you through. That’s why I called the book "When You’re Falling, Dive," because, if you don’t dive, you do so much more damage to yourself and you don’t go as far because you’re kicking and screaming and holding on to the branches. If you dive, you find that life will take you. And you feel—finally—part of something bigger. When you go through it enough times, you start to trust it.

And I’m a control freak. I'm a type-A personality. Your typical macho, idiot guy. But when you can’t control it over enough years, and find that you’ve been taken consistently places you didn’t expect, you start to believe it. You start to believe you’re really not driving the car.

What did you learn from the people you interviewed?

On thing is that loss or change becomes part of who you are. I can be a little transformation crazy, one to just do a 180. But it’s never 180. There’s residue. There are shadows. There’s something that’s left in you from the loss. And that needs to be blessed.

What else did you learn from them?


That your body has an intelligence, and it’s talking to you. But most of the time we’re too busy blabbering to hear it.

- O -

And when you have walked through whatever your fire is, it connects you to the human condition in a way that you’ve probably spent most of your life avoiding and denying. That’s a huge, wonderful, beautiful thing. It deepens you as a person. It humbles you as a person. It opens your heart. It makes you grateful. We forget to have thanks for the things in our lives. People think it’s corny, but it changes everything.

- O -

So, life isn’t blueberries. And nor would you want a constant diet of blueberries. Often it’s the thing that irks you that pushes you forward. For myself, so many of the things that I thought were the most infuriating have been the things that have made me face my s**t and walk through doors I wouldn’t have wanted to walk through. Almost everything that grows you is stuff you would avoid if you could. That's something people can learn about crisis—that it gives you faith in pain. And that sounds weird, but we automatically think if there’s pain, there’s something wrong, and that is really not true. The impulse might be to fight or flee. But bearing is for me, the real revelation.

You realize everyone has their cross— and what do you do with it? You bear it. It becomes a part of who you are. And then you stop resenting the hardship and see it’s the stuff of your life. It’s the shadows in your life that make your life better. People want it easy—they want "life lite."

***

Read more here.

"My One-Boobed Mamma" Debuts!

You can pre-order it now before it gets to Amazon and the major bookstores! ;D

Please click here.

My Probe Team Interview

It's going to be aired tomorrow (Sept. 24, Phil. time) night, at 11:30 p.m., right after Bandila! ;D

For other schedules, channels, countries--

PHILIPPINES
Wednesday, 11:30 PM on ABS-CBN (VHF Channel 2)

Thursday, 4.50 AM on ABS-CBN

Saturday, 5:30 AM on the ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC)

Sunady, 1:30 PM on the ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC)

MIDDLE EAST
Wednesday, 11:30 PM on TFC
Wednesday, 7:30 AM on TFC (replay)

EUROPE
Thursday, 9:30 AM on TFC
Saturday, 5:35 PM on TFC (replay)

NORTH AMERICA - PACIFIC TIME
Friday, 11:55 PM on TFC

NORTH AMERICA - EASTERN TIME
Thursday, 8:50 AM on TFC
Friday, 2:55 AM on TFC (replay)

AUSTRALIA
Thursday, 8:40 PM on TFC
Friday, 7:15 AM on TFC (replay)

***

Do watch and let me know how you find it, please!

Glamor Girl

I had fun being one of the "glamor girls" our colleagues picked to represent our College of Business and Accountancy at the U-Week's first night's show tonight; a welcome light and pleasant change from the usual intellectual focus and challenges I am usually preoccupied-- if not inundated-- with.

We danced to a combination of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" (we were assigned a 1950s-60s theme) and "Material Girl" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, wearing evening gowns and faux glittery jewelry. I even wore a tiara. : )

I've never really thought of my self as the glamor girl type before; I've always thought I was too big, too tall, too heavy, too fair--compared to the petite, tan Asian-Filipina frame--and too shy and even too plain (the only makeup I wear daily is lipstick, and the only jewelry I wear is a pair of pearl earrings!) to even come close, much less to be considered as a likely Marilyn Monroe type. So, it's also a compliment to be even asked to join in this dance presentation.

I still don't think I'm the Marilyn Monroe type, though. Up to the last minute of our dance practice, it surprised me that some thought I was to be the central attraction as the buxom (buxom?!!! me???) bombshell, acting and lipsynching the part. I thought that was hilarious and I'm still not over it!

In the end, when they saw me come out of the dressing room in my simple long gold gown, with long silk gloves, simple but tasteful jewelry and tiara, they finally agreed on what type I thought I could approximate at least-- Grace Kelly. : )

The Forgotten Grievers

When it hits, it hits hard.

I woke up very early (a little after 12 midnight) last Monday, eager to finish computing the last of my Econ. classes' Midterm grades, so I could surprise them that day with not only fully returned papers but also their Midterm grades, the first day after Midterm exams, and not a week or two after, which is the norm.

So when I met my first class at 9:30am, I was fully prepared. I heard one student comment to another that she can't believe I've returned their papers to them and given them their grades so soon, and I was secretly pleased with that.

Then came my 12:30 class, and everything went well, too, and I was so proud of my self for being so efficient.

By then, though, I had already started to feel a throbbing headache, which I just shrugged away as the effect of waking up too early.

By two o'clock, though, just 30 minutes before my next class, I was feeling so dizzy and nauseous I could barely walk straight to the University Clinic. I only thought to have my blood pressure checked but I couldn't even trust my self to still remain solidly seated while they took my blood pressure, that I went straight to the nurse in charge instead, asked for medication and one of the beds to lie down and rest on.

I was promptly assisted and while I lay down there feeling groggy, but needing to inform my 230pm and 330pm class contacts still that I won't be able to meet them that day after all, I still managed to text them. After which, I put my phone on silent mode and proceeded to go to sleep, hoping I could at least sleep off some of the throbbing headache away.

I remember my last thought just before I dozed off, though-- how, if it weren't for B and the hope of being happily together with him someday, as well as the hope of seeing my children grow beautifully into happy people leading meaningful lives, I'd be happy to die right then and there (!). I remember this because it surprised me even as I dozed off.

An hour later, I woke up feeling better but still groggy and feverish now, and promptly went to the car to drive over to the Integrated School area to pick the kids up.

While waiting in the car (they knew it was pick-up time), I suddenly just started to weep, feeling sorry for my self. Even if I wanted to climb into bed right then and there, shut out the rest of the world and just rest and be babied for a change, I couldn't, as I still had responsibilities to attend to like pick up the kids and shop for groceries on the way home, as food stock at home had run out.

The self-pitying mode spiraled and I started thinking of how, even if I have a good life now, I still have to do everything on my own, and how, even if I have a good love with B now, we are not together yet... how unlucky i am, getting to a good place at last but not really there yet,... and so on and so forth. It helped (or didn't help?) that Meryl Streep was belting out "The Winner Takes It All" and "Slipping Through My Fingers" from Mamma Mia in the car stereo.

By the time the kids came around, I had wept enough to manage to wipe my tears off now and present my happy (well, composed, at least) Mommy face to them.

And so, on to the grocery shopping, then the dinner instructions to the housekeeper at home, then the homework with the kids, and finally, getting my much-needed rest in my own bed a few hours later, with the throbbing headache and fever to a high pitch now.

By early morning yesterday, it was a full-blown case of the flu.

And then, I realized, it's not just the flu.

A little email exchange with B made me realize that this is something deeper than just the flu.

Since June, I have been down like 3 or 4 times, when I never even had the flu for the entire year last school year while I was on leave, and even while taking care of Papa and Mama during their last days at the hospitals.

My thoughts since Papa and Mama died have been mainly on how this world does not appeal to me now, how I've lost my taste for things which used to inspire, excite and move me to work and reach for more, how I've even dreaded going on my all-expenses paid travels now, and how I just wanted to stay home, close to the kids and the things I loved, doing only what I truly desired--reading and writing learning how to cook and bake well so I can feed my family and my self well, and taking long walks in Nature...

I used to think that my parents' deaths have blessed me with this acutely clearer sense of who I am and what I essentially just want in my life; I still do. I also used to think that I've been taking my parents' deaths quite well, compared to many, as I have in fact been flourishing and blooming in so many ways, even people tell me so.

What I didn't realize was that in the subterranean depths of my life, I am grieving so deeply, it takes my body to tell me (and to keep telling me) this now.

I surfed for grieving articles late last night (I slept most of the whole day yesterday, so I felt fully awake and alert late at night instead), and yep, a lot of the physical, emotional and even social symptoms are there: dizziness, nausea, heart palpitations, fatigue and weariness, loneliness and sadness, wanting to withdraw from social contacts, even a sense of wanting to die or dying soon...

This one article struck me most, as I just wept and wept, recognizing my self in it even as I read it: "The Peculiar Grief of the Adult Orphan".

Forgotten grievers, disenfranchised grief, orphaned adults, adult orphans, midlife orphans-- they can't even agree on the term yet, but at least, there is recognition of the phenomenon now, when before, it was just swept under the rug, with "adults (are) supposed to be fundamentally different, quickly dealing with the grief of losing the people that raised them from the cradle."

I wept my self to sleep last night.

I wept so long and hard that I woke up feeling cleared and refreshed, like I've excavated my lungs and heart out of all the dross and pain there, so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm still feverish and groggy this morning, though, so I still called in sick. I even asked the kids if they can just be absent today, too, so I don't have to drive out to take them to school and then pick them up again later today. Naturally, the kids are happy to be free, while I have this temporary reprieve today, at least, from further mommy duties.

What this recent bout with the flu has taught me, though, is to finally sit up and take notice of my grief over my parents' recent deaths and all that it entails, to fully acknowledge now my much-decreased energies and capacity to give to others (I'm glad I refused overloads this semester, and have refused a number of university assignments too; my intuition knows me better than I know my self consciously!), and to not expect my self to perform tasks as well, as efficiently and as generously (loading my limits taking on multiple projects all at once and just multi-tasking) as I used to before.

Lately, I've been concerned about how I couldn't seem to concentrate and take in information for long periods anymore (that's why I have 900-plus unopened emails), in addition to my inability to stay up all night working without paying for it health wise the next day.

I've noticed in my self an increased incapacity and intolerance for bullshit (that's a good thing) with a shortened fuse and fast-boiling temper (not really so good), too.

It's a good thing I've resumed my daily meditations as regularly as I can again. But even that has its challenges, because meditation makes you even feel more onion-skinned and sensitive to energies in and around you even as you become more cleansed... and that's maybe why I have just been so quickly prone to flu and so weepy lately.

When will this end?

I don't know; I don't think I should even expect it to end. The articles I've read say it subsides over time, but at the oddest of times, it comes up again.

I'm just sharing my journey here. It's my way of dealing with it as healthily and positively as I can ...

I don't even expect any answers anymore.

The Secret to a Happy and Long Life

Based on a research on nuns (yes, nuns! ... to minimize confounding variables, the research says), this is the secret (excerpt):

The belief that we can rely on shortcuts to happiness, joy, rapture, comfort, and ecstasy, rather than be entitled to these feelings by the exercise of personal strengths and virtues, leads to legions of people who in the middle of great wealth are starving spiritually. Positive emotion alienated from the exercise of character leads to emptiness, to inauthenticity, to depression, and, as we age, to the gnawing realization that we are fidgeting until we die. The positive feeling that arises from the exercise of strengths and virtues, rather than from the shortcuts, is authentic.

The trait of optimism helps explain how a single snapshot of the momentary happiness of nuns could predict how long they will live. Optimistic people tend to interpret their troubles as transient, controllable, and specific to one situation. Pessimistic people, in contrast, believe that their troubles last forever, undermine everything they do, and are uncontrollable. Optimism is only one of two dozen strengths that bring about greater well-being.

We need a psychology of rising to the occasion, because that is the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle of predicting human behavior.

Read more about it here.

***

Somebody I loved told me once, "Can you tone down your sunny you please? You make me feel worse."

It hurt, very much, considering that my choice to be positive is a choice borne out of the pain and struggle of rising above negativity, not just a blind adoption of some Pollyanna-ish philosophy.

***

Of course I didn't "tone down the sunny me"!

I said goodbye to him instead.

I'm glad I did.

It wouldn't have worked out for us in the long run; he would have been a drag, to say the least.

He would've significantly shortened my life too, haha.

My One-Boobed Mamma

Happy surprise!

I found this while surfing.

I thought My One-Boobed Mamma would be released in early 2009 yet; apparently, it's coming out this August already!

The release of one's work to the public always feels like sending your firstborn out to The Big School. I guess I'll never stop feeling this way about my "creative children", aside from my flesh-and-blood creative children...

May My One-Boobed Mamma reach those who need her most, and may their lives be better from reading her.

It's Time

I intend to die at 80. That leaves me 40 years to go.

For the last 40 years of my life so far, I have been mainly taking, receiving, learning from others, even as I sought to find my own way and become comfortable in my own skin. Now that I am in a good place at last (my own skin : >, knowing my way), I figure it’s time to give back, to “pay it forward” so to speak, as the next half of my life spreads out before me.

One would think that with the many sites and blogs I already maintain, I would stay put with these. Well, I guess I surprise even my self up to now. It’s ideas, gut feel, and spark that get to me best. It’s not really about planning and deliberate creation; it’s more like spontaneous combustion for me.

Way back in 2000, after finishing a creative writers’ workshop, I was asked to deliver the “valedictory” speech in behalf of all my other writer-fellows. I remember summing up the experience of the journey in creative writing as being composed of three levels: first, there is writing for catharsis; then, there is writing for self-expression and self-discovery; then, there is writing for craft and communication.

I guess it would apply to this new endeavor, too, although this is not about creative writing. As I created this new blog (actually, this was the last one in this new series), I also created along with this other blogs (please see Blog Roll) which reflect my interests and passions, as well as my training, education and experience so far.

It’s writing for craft and communication time now, giving back to the world what I have learned so far in my own journeys, studies and reflections.

I see this new endeavor as also a way for me to bridge the link between the so-called experts (the academe, the civil society organizations, even business) in their field that I have worked with for most of my life, with the everyday person and net citizen out there, as that seems to be a vital but still unfulfilled link today.

I have discovered that I have this gift– for linking seemingly unrelated ideas and incompatible people and groups together. Since it’s payback time for me, I might as well use this gift well and to the maximum.

The Net (and WordPress) is a good place to start.

Let Your Life Speak

This made me cry, in a beautiful way. It resonated with me and affirmed how I have been trying to live my life so far, consciously so for the past 6-8 years now... which has been called crazy, at best, by some, and stupid and foolish, at worst, by others...

Well, heck, at least it's MY life, on my own terms... and the peace and joy from all the adventures and misadventures and lessons learned either way is priceless.

Excerpt:

Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what is truly about--quite apart from what I would like it to be about--or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.

That insight is hidden in the word vocation itself, which is rooted in the Latin for "voice." Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.

Read more here.

When All Is Said and Done

Here's to us, one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

from: ABBA's "When All Is Said and Done"

Today's Quotes

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

-Annie Lennox

***

Intimacy means that we're safe enough to reveal the truth about ourselves in all its creative chaos. If a space is created in which two people are totally free to reveal their walls, then those walls, in time, will come down.

-Marianne Williamson

***

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-Ann Landers

***

The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want.

And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself.

And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself.

And the only way to be yourself, Jeanette, is to listen to your heart.

I do,
The Universe

: ) : ) : )

What if War was Outlawed?*

July 22, 2008
11:25 a.m.
Phiippine Airlines (PAL) Domestic Airport/Centennial 2 Departure Terminal

I'm at the Philippine Airlines (PAL) domestic terminal right now writing this, as I wait for my 2pm flight back to Bacolod. I have just come in from the 2008 International Peace Research Association (IPRA) Conference in Leuven, Belgium, which theme is "Building Sustainable Futures: Enabling Peace and Development".

The experience was wonderful--intellectually stimulating and culturally enriching, although seeing all those Europeans holding hands everywhere, especially the old couples, drove me crazy with admiring envy and longing for my own holding-hands partner to be with me too!

Sigh.... oh, well, maybe someday soon...

Anyway, one idea which grabbed me during the Conference was the suggestion proposed by two groups of participants, when we were asked to workshop on the peace research agenda for the future via open source technology (THAT is another topic I hope to blog about soon, too!): that Peace IS a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, and if so, then we must outlaw war!

***

Truly, it got me thinking: how come we make a criminal out of a person who has murdered or even just violently attacked another person, but how come we don't make criminals out of a person or group of persons who decided to hurt, maim, kill an entire people in war?

What if we do, indeed, OUTLAW war?

What if we make it a crime for any body, any state leader, any nation for that matter, to wage war against another? Wouldn't that law and structure itself IMPOSE non-war at least, and force people to seek other options, other methods of resolving their conflicts? Even if its coercion, wouldn't it at least coerce people to seek more peaceful means because they are obliged not to wage war?

We outlaw murder. Why not outlaw mass murder in war?

*Originally, a New Tomorrows post

Home again

arrived last night
via Manila
via Amsterdam
via Brussels
from Leuven
no time
for jet lag

soon after landing
i put on
my car owner robe,
then mommy robe,
then homeowner robe,
asking the kids how their week went
without me
as they feasted on
Belgian chocolates
while i watched the driver
and gave instructions
on next destinations.

we stopped by L'Sea
to buy take-out Chinese food
as homecoming celebration dinner
while i texted two money-exchange contacts
for today's rates
thinking i might convert my Euros to pesos
now
or maybe tomorrow
so i can refund the PJ office soon,
as we arrived home
and the housekeeper
reported on comings and goings,
bills and letters received,
and appliances needing repair
while i unpacked
and then had dinner
with the kids
who prattled on
about their day,
their week
without me,
while i too shared
my new memories
of Belgium
and the people i met,
even the Commission Convenor
i crushed on. : )

no time for jet lag
i woke up at 5am
turned on the pc
checked and started whittling down
new 374 emails
as B found me
and we chatted and caught up
with each other
as i woke the kids up
from their groggy sleep
and i thought to my self
how blessed i am
to have B
who keeps me rooted,
sane


and then it was almost 7am
so we packed ourselves
into the car
as i drove off
steering into my favorite
short cuts
which are actually the long way around
inside subdivision roads
but with no traffic
they take less time
to drive through

and then we're in school
and i drop the kids off
as i turn back
to go home
eat breakfast mindfully,
then continue with my email whittling
as i make the prelim exams
which my students will take
tomorrow and friday

as i text a writing client
that i have arrived last night
still jet-lagged (!)
will resume work on the writing project
by tomorrow
and have it in
by august 1

and then, as usually happens with me,
believing my own white lies,
i begin to feel drowsy and tired--
truly jet-lagged now?--
and so i climb into bed
to sleep
but dream of Belgian landscapes
and rooms
and strangely interesting people instead.

so instead,
i wake up again
to finish the exams
even as i respond
to my vulcanizing mechanic's text
that the Vios jack i wanted
was ready for pick up now
and could i pick it up now?

with 2 of the 3 exams done,
i drive out again
to pay for and pick up the jack,
then proceed on to school
stop by the risograph office
to submit my two exam sheets
as i drop by the bosses' office
to say hi, hello, give a quick report
on Belgium and how i did,
as i gave them their chocolates
and the staff's too.

picking up the children now,
we drop by our favorite mall
on the way home,
for them to get their snacks,
as we shop for
a new flat iron
(the old one at home has conked out),
school supplies for their homework,
and some little gift bags
for me to distribute my chocolates into
for giving to more people;
then, groceries
to stock up on the dwindling stash at home,
then the dry cleaner,
for my Conference suit.

arriving home,
we have dinner
and homework,
as i finish
the last of the exams,
answer more emails,
until i find Bea
has fallen asleep on the couch.
so i pick her up and tried to sleep with her in my bed
even as i convinced Paolo
that it's his turn to sleep with his Manang Thea tonight.

but i couldn't sleep
thinking of a children's story
long percolating in my head
but now boiling into something
with more form
and voice

so i wake up again
and write some notes
as i also read my writing notes to my self
from 3 years,
3 months,
then 3 weeks ago
while i ate roasted almonds
and drank non-alcoholic Cali
(i eat strangely when in a writing mood.)

so it is 2am now of my tomorrow
yesterday
yet i have to write this one last post
after i've finished finetuning an old story
and finally sent it to the Contest
(deadline july 31)
as i put my writing notebook aside
to let the new story cook some more
and i try to lie down and sleep again
but this blog post
runs through my mind instead.

New Tomorrows

There must be more to life than blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims to the events and forces acting on our lives. That is not the way I want to spend my time on this planet.

The same energies used for blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims (it takes more muscles to frown than to smile!) CAN be used for focusing attention on what does go right, what one can still do, what one envisions for one's self and one's loved ones, working on building that vision, and finding like-minded, fine-spirited people who are engaging in and aiming for similar endeavors.

So, when a group of friends from the futures, education, peace and cultural work communities and I got together some weeks ago to catch up with each other and have fun again just being ourselves as well as sharing what we're trying to do in each of our individual lives, the idea of banding together specifically for putting all our vision, faith, knowledge, experience, expertise, resources and networks to good use in this direction was born.

KalayLah GLocal Network (KGN) was conceived.

"KalayLah" as a coined term for the Filipino terms, "Kalayaan ng Lahi", or freedom of the race, freedom of generations. "GLocal", for the coined term "global" as well as "local", and the implied synergy between the two spheres acting on each other as preferred futures are envisioned, created and built.

In one of our later discussions, though, the idea of extending this community further, not necessarily as part of KGN itself, but just as an online global community of people focused on enabling preferred futures was born.

So many social networks abound on the Net now, and they are mainly for self-promotion and keeping in touch as well as making new friends purposes. What if we utilize this grand (also free) resource and opportunity to harness people's attentions and energies not just to tell others about themselves or to make new friends, but to share how they think and see and what they are doing towards the future?

Imagine what can happen with this harnessed energy and potential.

At the very least, I want to be around when it happens. : )

Please check out the new global community on the web, "New Tomorrows".

the gifts of my parents' deaths

people at school keep commenting how i'm looking so bloomingly gorgeous these days, well, actually since the last time they saw me, which was last schoolyear yet.

one colleague said i had an almost otherworldly aura about me. another said i had a glow, and how im looking really younger and more beautiful. one other person said i had an "international, star-quality" aura, whatever that means.... heehee. thank you. : )

i feel it, too, ... well yes, feeling good about my self, my life, like im in the right place and right path at last, comfortable and happy and joyful and content in my own skin, yet also relishing achieving more of my dreams.... and yes, feeling otherworldly, too.

like somehow, as i accompanied Papa and Mama to their last days and hours, i sort of stepped into some zone reserved only for the dying and those died, but which i was allowed the grace to enter and experience.

so now, coming back "from the dead", i feel even more alive, yet also not part of this world anymore.

in-between worlds. that's how im feeling.

so, im finding my self transformed in many subtle but powerful ways these days--

1. i don't sweat the small stuff, and yes, everything is small stuff.

there used to be time when id get anxious and bash my self, especially, for things not turning out as planned, or even for not being able to finish all ive set out to do for the day in my to do list. these days, i simply move them on to another date. i figure, if they can't be done today, then probably today was not enough for them, so they can wait for another day. when things go wrong... oh well, ive been through worse. and i also know things will get better again. life goes in cycles of up and down. the trick is to ride the cycles well, to crest the waves gracefully.

2. im kinder to and gentler with my self these days. i take time, just to savor each little action, each moment spent with a loved one or even just a friend or passing acquaintance. now is really all i have, i am sooo conscious of that now. so i stay in the moment and relish it and feel so deeply awed and thankful for it. i don't engage in anxious, rushing, pressing self-talk now, especially.

3. im even more philosophical and accepting of Life as it comes now, not much shoulds and musts anymore, just letting Life and people and events flow and my responding to them according to how i authentically think and feel and am at any given moment.

4. surprisingly, im finding my self more willing to live with structures and deadlines and schedules and even commit to appointments when people try to pin me down now. is that a sign of settling down, or what? : )

5. i have less and less patience for bullshit and dramas and melodramas, though. when im feeling really in the mood for fun, i tell people to shove off, and enjoy the surprised looks on their faces. when im feeling nicer, i tell people to shove off, but nicer and in a sweeter way. still, i find i have less and less patience for being nice these days. i find im enjoying just being me, however i am, whoever i am, at any moment in time.

6. people ask how ive slimmed down and am looking so great and what's the secret? i kid them by saying, "have your parents die at almost the same time." heheh. but it's true.

practically speaking, im more mindful of the food and drink i take in now, taking care to make only healthier and cleaner choices. is that dieting? no. i just feel that im taking even better care of my self now.

so, condolences... tragedy?

up to now, i still can't see what's to condole about.

Home and Healing

oohhhh i just love this article! it expresses exactly what i have been feeling these days, after i've finished renovating my home: healed, whole, complete, and even more content, no matter what happens. it reminds me of similar true stories like "Under the Tuscan Sun" too!

indeed, the process of even just renovating one's home, refurbishing it, making it look more beautiful and feel comfortable, is just a symbolic manifestation of what's really going on inside-- or vice versa. maybe the process itself also catalyzes certain subtle but powerful transformations going on inside, too.

i went way beyond the budget i initially intended, but what the heck, every purchase i make is an investment of love in my children's and my living space now. the feeling of comfort and contentment and God's Abundance is indescribable and irreplaceable, and it comes more easily and naturally now with the physical manifestations in place and surrounding and reminding us each moment, each day.

Thank you, God, for home, for healing!

cooking lessons and charmed lives

i had a wonderful day today, spending time beautifully with two friends, both 20 years-or-so older than me, but both truly the friends of my heart, mind and soul.

Ma'am Cecille was a former colleague at the University but is now retired and living her life happily doing what she pleases while pursuing her passions in literary research. Ma'am Cora is still a colleague but will be retiring in a couple of years.

Ma'am Cecille and I arranged for me to have my first cooking lesson with her today, and we invited Ma'am Cora to join us too.

the cooking lesson was actually just an excuse to get together again, to my mind. : )

Ma'am Cecille showed me how to make a special and home-made pesto sauce and pasta, garlic bread, as well as her self-conconcted mung bean salad.

i learned more than those, though.

from the way she organized all her "hang-able" kitchen utensils in one whole wall made up of a wooden board with custom holes and hooks bored into them, to how seemingly ordinary everyday ingredients can be made special with just the little touches of extra care and thought, to charming table-setting and presentation, to identifying the herbs in her garden from the shape and scent of their leaves... as well as to living la dolce vita, with just being authentically you, taking on life fully with heart, mind and soul, with focus and passion and nerve.

Ma'am Cecille served us wine and assigned Ma'am Cora and I to learn how to uncork the bottle. we had fun even with that, trying to find a way to do it. first, we tried with one of us sitting on a chair and putting the bottle between her thighs, while the other pulled with the wine bottle opener bored into the cork. that didn't work, so i suggested we do it from the floor, for more stability. then Ma'am Cecille, who was in the kitchen adding the finishing touches to our lunch and seeing us struggling and giggling so, came over to show us a book on wines and we three looked up "how to open a wine bottle" together (researchers and professors to the core, huh?)

in the end, we went back to my sitting down on a chair, not squatting on the floor, with the bottle between my thighs, while Ma'am Cora tugged with all her might (we did it wrong the first time because she both tugged and twisted the opener at the same time).

i normally don't drink because i'm allergic to alcohol and break out in rashes, but for this one special time, i allowed my self one glass, and the tipsy, warm feeling only added to the mid-day glow i felt enveloping us all, as we talked and laughed and shared over the healthy and graceful lunch we ourselves prepared.

for sure, i learned more than just cooking, today.

when im their age, i want to be a lot like them and how they live their lives so authentically from the heart, even as i work on living that way now, every moment, every day.

i didn't break out in rashes after the wine intake, either. my body approves of the treat then. : )

Papa and Mama

that's firstborn, three-month-old me with Papa and Mama, in May, 1968. he was 30 years old then; she was 25.

i miss Papa and Mama, very much.

it's not personal

i don't know how it is for people in other parts of the world but in my part, people have been talking about how everything seems to have gone awry lately:

a couple of days ago, Smart telecoms giant experienced some breakdown so us subscribers couldn't send nor receive messages, whether by texting or calling. appointments were missed, promises broken, as my good friend and fellow blogger Dave Al posts. : )

this morning, Smart-based servers experienced glitches again so those of us subscribed to SmartBro couldn't go online either.

yesterday, i noticed long lines at Metrobank ATM machines near Lopue's East because the BPI machine close to it was offline due to "phone company troubles", its sign said.

this morning, i got an update email from Metrobank saying they're doing a maintenance check tomorrow morning to preempt breakdowns, but to expect some downtime still.

tonight, after a wonderful dinner out, our host and my good friend was surprised to find that our favorite restaurant couldn't take credit cards because their credit card machine broke down due to phone connection troubles.

the people around me are beginning to wonder if it's a conspiracy by some people somewhere.

i told them not to take it personally-- it's Mercury Retrograde! : )

What's a Retrograde?

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. (from Astrology on the Web)

There is no real backwards movement of Mercury; it's just that we see it this way from Earth, because of the combined movement of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. However, astrologically this is very relevant. (from Astrology Weekly.com)

More from Astrology Weekly.com--

General influence of Mercury retrograde

Mercury rules over the mind's processes, studying, communication, businesses, travels and the like. When Mercury reverses its direction, all these areas are affected as well.

The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more their own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather then be curious and eager for new intellectual experiences or challenges. This helps in meditation or the thorough lonely long-term study of a specific matter, but it affects the study of new subjects, the communication with others, the attention oriented outwards.

Businesses, travels and communications tend to experience delays and different problems. Computers and other processes that work with information may experience crashes, unexpected failures.

Don't enroll for new courses, don't buy expensive Mercurian items (books, cars, mobile phones etc.), don't sign important contracts and do not marry.

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

It is definitely a very good period for some actions. No time is completely bad for anything, there is a reason in everything that happens.

The key is the reversed direction of movement: take any known Mercurian action, reverse its flow, consider the keywords "re-doing something", "double-checking", "finish the old projects" and there you are, you've found the good side of Mercury retrograde.

For instance, you may want to read again a book you particularly liked, a subject you studied before, meet and discuss with old friends you haven't met for a long time, travel to places you've already been to before.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

Next, you might wish to prevent any bad things to happen to you: so double-check your agenda, call your business partners to confirm that everything goes as planned, have everything ready before the deadline and leave some extra time for unexpected events. Make copies of your important files and documents, save your work more often.

The other solution is to go on vacation or at least slow down the pace of your projects. You will find that going slowly during the Mercury retrograde period will spare you many efforts of redoing the same action that wasn't performed right the first time.

Above all, be generous and compassionate: you are already aware about the influence of this period, but the others aren't aware of it or there may be uncontrollable events. That's why you should have more diligence with the others and give them some more time. It'll be your mental health that you'll be sparing actually.


This period's Mercury Retrograde lasts from May 26 - June 19, and since the Mercury Retrograde is also in Mercury's home sign, Gemini, the sign of the mind and communications, you can expect the retrograde influence to be doubled. (Read more about the "Murphy's Law of the Cosmos" here.)

so take heart and relax: it's not personal--

it's planetary. : )

work with it and go with the flow, or work against it.

peace of mind, or frustration?

it's your choice.

"Life is queer with its twists and turns..."

i remember this line now from an old poem, Don't Quit, that Mama used to post around our "home" (the dinghy mezzanine floor above our store in the public market) while we were growing up (she liked to post a lot of quotes and poems on living life the best and noblest and highest way, despite our miserable physical surroundings...), as i am struck now by how queerly indeed my life has twisted and turned, especially in the past year.

first, i decided to take an unpaid year's leave off from university work, just to rest, relax, and follow my bliss. people thought i had lots of moolah stashed for the full 12 months ahead; they thought i was kidding when i said i was living in God's Grace month to month (i was)!

in June, a love which i thought to be The Love of My Life turned sour, but i consciously resolved not to take it like a victim and to keep my faith and hope for True Love still pure and unsullied instead... and then i met B on July 1, on his birthday!!! : )

then there was the awarding ceremony for my second national book award at the Cultural Center of the Philippines last July, and the fun radio interview out of town, which my kids enjoyed as much as i did (the radio station treated us like superstars, with our own coaster to fetch and bring us back to the hotel and wherever else we wanted to go after the interview).

after that was a children's literature conference i attended where i expected to just be a participant but ended up being like a "grand finale" speaker which got the audience very hyped up and involved.

then the U.S. visa interview with my sis, where the visa officer just asked us questions, didn't even look at the rest of the documents we brought, and then granted us 10-year multiple entry visas each!

then the fun, special bonding time with Mama in the States last Sept-Oct, where we got to relive our teenage years again and fill in the "missing link" in our lives (Mama left us when we were teenagers). we didn't know it was to be our last time with her together, but i think now that she knew all along.

then i come back here in October to have my books launched at The Negros Museum, along with the museum's Storytelling Program, in the midst of the Masskara Festival.

in December to February, both Papa and Mama got seriously sick, having to go in and out of the hospital several times, until they couldn't leave the hospital anymore. Papa was last admitted on Jan. 16, while Mama on Jan. 29. Papa died on feb. 20, and Mama on march 10.

taking care of both, first here in Bacolod, then there in Atlanta, Georgia, was both special and surreal in itself. it was special because i discovered that one gets to forge and develop a new, adult relationship with one's parents one never had before when they were physically healthy and well. now that the tables are turned and they are dependent on you and you are taking care of them, the masks fall off, and you just relate to each other as full human beings in all your best and worst, and you find that if you just show up for them everyday anyway, just dig in there and continue to care for them the best way you can despite the arguments and the rehashing of unfinished business, the Love and Laughter remain and only grow stronger and unbreakable in the end. i would never have exchanged those last moments with Papa and Mama for all the world. it was the sublimest of benedictions.

and it was also most profoundly healing and special that both Papa and Mama just kept on asking about each other in the end. they were in each other's thoughts, even in their semi-conscious and pained states. how's that for deep Love, huh? : )

my brother, Tope, and my sister, Honey, and i-- we kid each other about our parents being Soulmates after all-- despite their stormy and tempestuous love and lives. but we also quietly know that all jokes contain a deep truth in them; we just joke about them because we could only comfortably take them in joke form; the deep truth both scare and awe us so...


yet, it was surreal, too, living in hospitals and around sick and dying people and the medical staff who also help care for them for three months, and then after that, having to deal with the business of funeral homes and cultural and social norms for the dead. it was twilight-zonish, waking up in the morning and not even able to make plans for noontime, because one never knows what happens next. after they died, it was twilight-zonish still, to find that people get so hung up about certain practices and arrangements (and money, yes, money!) and that they can even be the source of a lot of family and friends' dramatics and melodramatics.

in the midst of it all, i was asked to submit a proposal for an international conference, and found out later in April, that i received a full grant for my paper presentation proposal. so now i have been applying for my Schengen visa to Belgium, as well as preparing my paper for the conference.

in the midst of it all, too, B and i found time to be with each other, just the two of us, and it was a most special, special healing and sweet time.

then, there was the most welcome trip to New Jersey and New York, the bonding with cousins we last saw when we were children, and of course, conquering The Big Apple on our own. it was a most precious, healing gift from Tito Tony and Tita Melvi, more than they will ever know...

coming back home, i decided to beautify my home with part of the inheritance funds i received from Papa's estate. so since April, i have been living in home depots and hardware stores most times of the day. : )

now, i am looking forward to spending more special time with B again when his summer vacation starts, even as i prepare to go back to university teaching, refreshed and renewed in my zeal for the calling.

this afternoon, my publisher's staff communicated with me for a single-parenting talk they plan to do in July, a day before i leave for Belgium, and in which i have been invited to speak and share.

then i come home to find an email from Lifestyle Network who wants me to be a guest in their show! ;O

whew.

***

a friend asked me once how i was, and we both laughed when i said, "i'm mastering the art of winging it!"

but it's true. i am discovering now how life is so strange, all the best-laid intelligent plans can fall apart in a moment. no use stressing over the minutiae of the how-tos.

just focus on what brings you joy, and live more of them each moment each day. the rest, just wing it. ; )

true security is found inside, in your knowing and realization that no matter what happens, you can handle it... not really just because of you alone and the strength of character and life skills you have developed, but because somehow, you are taken care of and provided for, always, by both Seen and Unseen Friends of the heart and soul...

another friend shared with me a joke quote once, and which i find most apt now--

Life is short. Don't make it shorter!

: ) : ) : )