Me, Lately

Bea and I, March 15, 2005, at Nature's Village Resort, The School for Creative Beginners' "Moving Up" Day

nature settings are where i thrive best

Beatrice

Bea, the last time i asked her 2 hours ago, she said she wants to be a ballet dancer and to open a beauty salon so she can make people beautiful

Paolo

Polo, future scientist

Anthea

Thea, future international pop star and computer animation artist

Thanksgiving

tomorrow, we all troop to Papa's house to have a celebration lunch together as a family, and in thanksgiving for Papa's remarkable recovery, in so short a time.

two weeks ago, we all trooped to Manila with and for Papa, for what we thought would be a heart bypass operation he didn't look well enough to undergo. after 8 months and 12 ICU visits here, Papa was weakening, in both body and spirit, and the heart bypass operation was deemed as a last resort, do-or-die option. actually, the unspoken thought in everybody's mind was probably the fact that it could be more do-and-die, but at least, we'd all be there for Papa and see him alive and watch him go, together.

now, Papa is not only off his oxygen tank, but has already started walking around on his own, and back to his usual talkative self. the asthma and the edematous legs and toes are gone, and the diabetes is back to a manageable level.

in the last family prayer i led for Papa before his second and last operation last April 25, i added another prayer to our original plea for a safe and successful operation and recovery for him: that he be given a new lease on life so that he may fully heal in all ways, and finally find the peace and joy that has eluded him all his life, before he finally goes, for good, much later.

strangely, the healing has not only been for him, but for us who were there with him and for him. being suddenly thrown together after so many years of just living our own lives by our selves, and being thrown together in an environment where the only concern was to make Papa as comfortable as possible and what to order for delivery for our next family meal in the hospital room, forcibly removed from our usual cares and responsibilities in our daily lives in Bacolod--contributed to making it natural for us to finally talk to each other, and to listen, and to be vulnerable and open to each other once again, even despite initial spats and skirmishes of who does what and who stays in the room with Papa while the rest go out and attend to some personal errands.

many personal and family crises in the past drove us apart from each other, but strangely, this biggest crisis of all-- the threat of the possible impending death of a patriarch whom we shared a love-hate relationship with in the past -- has drawn us all back together again in the folds of a father's difficult kind of loving, but loving still, none the less.

God has been so good to give Papa, and us all, this new lease on life!

202 Emails! : O

the last time i checked my emails was at a net cafe last sunday, near the hospital, the day before Papa's second and -- hopefully -- final heart operation. i arrived home today to find my inbox has grown another 202 emails in just four days! que horror!

well, at least, 150 of them are butterfly business-based, so they didn't require replying to as much as they required monitoring. the rest were my usual subscription newsletter emails and a few personal emails from family and friends.

still i can't help thinking that my wishful thinking while in the ship on the way home-- to spend a day or two leisurely settling in to my life here again before plunging into it full force-- will remain just that, wishful thinking.

the ship was supposed to dock at the Bacolod port by 1 p.m., but we were delayed by another two hours because of engine trouble. Thea and Bea, who were at the port with Paolo and Papa's second wife-- who fetched us (my two kid stepsisters and i) in the family car--decided to go home to wait for me instead because of the intense heat at the port. Papa's second wife told me how paolo valiantly and adamantly held on, telling her he wanted to greet me at the port itself, no matter how uncomfortable it was and no matter how long it took.

Even if it takes tomorrow, I'll wait for my Mama, that's what she told me little Paolo said. : )

when we arrived, Paolo hugged me so tight it brought tears to all our eyes. in the car, he sat on my lap and continued to embrace me all throughout, telling me how God answered his prayers, because he prayed that i'd come on the 28th, a day before his 7th birthday. : )

we got home at around 3:30p.m., but what i thought would be a slow easing in to my old life did not come to pass. after the kids opened their homecoming presents from me and settled in to playing with their new toys and art materials, i thought to check and warm up the car, which hasn't been touched in two weeks.

to my dismay, i found the oil at a dangerously low level, and remembered that the gas might be running low too. but i was down to my last 200 pesos too, and so i had to drive out to check the ATM if my butterfly biz commission and my university salary had come in.

thankfully both were there, and so i withdrew the maximum amount for the day and proceeded to the gas station to have the car refueled full tank and the oil refilled full tank too. then, remembering that the maid told me how the kids have been going without their usual favorite snack foods the past two weeks as the ex only brought in the basic groceries and meal items, i thought to do some quick grocery shopping at the nearest mall.

little Bea went with me. i was also concerned when the maid and Thea told me how she fell off our bed the day before, head first on to the floor, and how she vomitted afterwards. she's okay now but i told her we're going to the doctor first thing tomorrow. i'm also concerned to see her sniffling and coughing, and how her fine brownish silken hair had grown much too long and unkempt. so when we got to the mall, i took her to our favorite beauty parlor to have her hair and nails trimmed, which brought a big grin to her face. i also brought her the usual pediatric meds for her runny nose and cough, and her favorite pizza and ice cream cone, after which she dutifully assisted me in my shopping for their snack items and out-of-stock toiletries at home. next i bought a special chicken and pasta dinner, and some ice cream, for us, as a sort of homecoming celebration and a pre-birthday party for Paolo tonight.

i still have to unpack but the pc and the net calls me, especially after i got text messages from my uncle in New Jersey and my mom in Georgia, to go check my emails ASAP for a series of rush orders i had to facilitate with our supplier here.

and that's when i found my 202 emails.

now, even as i go through my emails one by one to clean up my inboxes, i look up and see bills pouring out of the wall bills envelope. i make a mental note to my self to do that later tonight, preparing my payments so i can pay them tomorrow, even as i also go to some other offices tomorrow to process papers for updating our mortgage, taking out a new cellphone so i can finally give my present one to Thea, and even go to some offices at the university to submit some papers and meet with some people on really urgent matters-- even while im still officially on vacation leave!!! i remind my self too, to enrol the kids for the next schoolyear, and to take them to the dentist for our annual free prophylaxis, before my current schoolyear's health care privileges expire. and how about my phd long-overdue papers which i have to submit in a week, before we meet with our professor?

phew. it's back to multi-tasking mode again.

*****

life presses on, despite my wish for a more leisurely kind of settling in. i have been gone for two weeks and so much has happened to me and in me outside my usual life here.

i feel disoriented.

well, i always do after coming home from travelling, especially if the things i've done while away are not the usual things i do in my regular life here. but this has been the longest time i've been away from the kids -- aside from my 3-week trip to Hungary and Romania in 2001, but i was still with their father then, and not with their father now-- so the feeling of disorientation is graver, i guess.

i am still me, and yet not me anymore, and also more me.

one of these days, when i get a sense of where i really am again, perhaps, i will write about it here. along with that promised blog on the various trips i've taken lately.

till then, my heart.

Papa's Heart

it's been 8 days since Papa checked in here at the Chinese General Hospital in Manila, and 7 days since i arrived here (he took the plane with our doctor sister-in-law, we took a ship).

he was originally scheduled to have his heart bypass operation last april 16, but he looked so weak and wan when he arrived that his doctors decided against it and ordered him for another angiogram instead on the 16th.

we spent the whole of the 17th waiting for his angiogram results. by evening, one of his four doctors came in to discuss it with us. we learned that although his heart is still medically viable for a heart bypass, there are just too many blockages in his veins and arteries (5 major ones counted, another 5 minor ones seen from the angiogram pictures...), coupled with his failing kidneys because of his diabetes, and vulnerable lungs because of his 40plus years of chain-smoking, to render a heart bypass quite a very risky procedure.

Papa and us were basically scared too, with the idea of opening his chest up and sawing through his rib cage to get to his heart, and opening one of his thighs to get the good blood vessels from there to graft into his weak heart blood vessels... so in a way, the news was a relief to us, even as it temporarily closed a door for him.

good thing there is an option, and it's an advanced kind of angioplasty, where the doctors just do a minor incision in his groin area, insert a catheter to balloon his blood vessels AND then insert a "stent" -- a springlike meshwire tube (his model involves an advanced version of having drugs released into his system to keep his vessels strong) -- to keep his blood vessels opened up for easier blood flow, "for life" (as the doctors said).

it's a more expensive option, though, at 125 thousand pesos per stent. multiplied by 4-5 stents for his major blockages, that would amount to half a million pesos, excluding his other hospital and doctors' bills.

it's another good thing that Papa prepared well for this rainy day. we used to think he was very miserly with us, providing us only with the basics, and training us to work for what we wanted, but his lifetime of thrift has at least released us, his family, from having to additionally worry about his medical expenses, as he's paying for it all, even including our plane and ship tickets and stay here in Manila. it's funny that Papa is the one who should be needing us, yet, up to now, he is still the one taking care of us in very basic ways. a living model of a self-made and self-reliant man, that's what Papa is.

anyway, we decided on the latest coronary stent implantation procedure. he had his first two stents implanted yesterday, april 19, with the next 2-3 stents on monday, april 25. his doctors advise against implanting everything at once, as they want to see how his body will take it. the doctor for his kidneys advised against two successive stents, too, one after another, because the dye used during the procedure might overload his kidneys. so after more discussion and further consultation for auspicious feng shui dates, april 25 was set.

before Papa's procedure early in the morning yesterday, i gathered the family together and asked for a small prayer for papa. we, who have never been public "prayors", especially with each other, now prayed from the heart, all focusing our thoughts and energies and love for Papa's safe and successful operation and recovery.

and you know what, our very specific prayer was answered. even the doctors were amazed at how easy it was for them to conduct the procedure, which was over in 45 minutes. Papa looked well and more upbeat, too. he even went off from his oxygen mask, for the first time in months. so everyone felt optimistic that the next operation would be as safe and successful.

*****

this time with Papa has been a blessing in disguise for me too.

it has afforded me time to be with him and to take care of him, and for him to get to know me all over again, as the adult woman i am now, who has her own mind and spirit and who knows her heart and speaks her truth.

among us three siblings, while growing up, i was the wallflower: mousy, quiet, seemingly passive and submissive, rarely speaking up-- even if just to make small talk and socialize among family and friends. although i was the eldest, my younger sister overpowered me with her arresting beauty and bubbly personality and my younger brother overpowered me with his commanding presence and loquaciousness.

but strangely, in this time of crisis for our family, my father and i are finding out my own strengths and special gifts.

although we are many here around him-- our childhood nanny who's also become Papa's nurse at home when he started getting sick, my cousin whom Papa sent to school and who eventually chose to live with our family even after he finished school, our aunt and Papa's only sister, his two girl children from his second wife, my younger sister, my younger brother and his doctor-wife, and i-- when night comes and everybody is tired and fully asleep, it has fallen upon me to wake up for Papa when he needs someone to take care of him in the middle of the night.

i'm the one who wakes up and takes care of Papa for his coughs and little pains and necessary bodily excretions-- because im the only light sleeper among all, and because i seem to have the requisite gentleness and calmness and good cheer and patience (so my years of solo parenting my very young kids, even during a lonely marriage, has trained me well!) to attend to a cranky old man and soothe him, in the unholiest of hours.

in these special dark hours, while attending to Papa's needs and humoring his complaints, we start talking-- or rather, he starts talking and i listen.

in these special dark hours, when everybody is asleep and one who is awake feels so alone, Papa starts telling me about his past, about his hurts and pains, and about his fears for the future... and i start telling him of mine (more of hopes and dreams, not too many fears now) too.

in these special dark hours, when one suddenly wakes up from nightmarish visions, i give Papa his little sips of water and i start massaging his swollen and aching legs and feet, until he relaxes and the swelling disappears and he falls asleep again. (he has grown to look forward to my foot massages he now can't fall asleep without them! : > )

in these special dark hours when it is just Papa and i, alone together against a sleeping world, i am finding my own worth as a daughter and as a person in his eyes, and i sense he is discovering in me the treasures of my quiet strength and inner serenity and calm optimism, which he has rarely noticed in the usually competitively boisterous business-centered day world we live and have mostly seen each other in.

in these special dark hours that Papa and i have been spending together, i am finding my way to Papa's heart at last.

Today, I Leave

today, i leave for manila with my sister, our two kid stepsisters, and our longtime nanny, to be with papa for his heart bypass operation on saturday at the philippine chinese general hospital. our brother will be meeting us there, as well as our manila-based cousins and uncles and aunts.

i don't know when i'll be back. if all goes well, i'll be back pronto, for sure.

we need all your prayers and well-wishes for my papa. thank you very much.

i do believe in the power of concentrated and positive thought directed at a single desired outcome, whatever you call it -- prayer, wish, visualization.

i hope to be back pronto.

Papa, Again

*****

i try not to think about it too much, but the days are approaching.

papa is scheduled for his heart bypass operation this saturday, the 16th, and my sister, Honey, and our two kid stepsisters, and our long-time nanny, will be going with me by boat to manila on the 14th.

it would just be a simple heart bypass operation, with the chances of success quite high, i know. but papa has been in and out of the ICU for almost 9-10 times in the past nine months, with his trips to the hospital getting to be more frequent lately, due to complications caused by his diabetes. his lungs can barely be seen in the x-rays too, having been eroded by around 50 years of chain-smoking...

what causes me dread, though, is his general demeanor every time i see him. he seems to have gotten older and frailer and weaker and more despondent every time. add to that the fact that his falling out with his mistress-- the mother of our two kid stepsisters -- is not doing him any good emotionally.

maybe, it is just his mistress' way of coping with the situation -- prettying her self up ( i do that, too) -- but family talks behind her back, saying she has another man. one time, we did talk, while we were at the hospital. she cried when she told me how difficult it is living with a man like my father who was so controlling and pessimistic and quite verbally abusive... i understood her pain and told her so. and despite the pain she has also caused our family, i feel sorry for her. i actually choose to believe her, rather than all the evil things family says she's been up to, like only wanting our father for his money and leaving him now that she sees she won't be getting much from him at all (our only brother helped papa settle his papers and his will some months ago and everybody has an idea of where things are at)...

what am i doing, rambling on like this, shaking up the skeletons in the closet?

i am just sooo scared i guess.

nobody talks about it, but the common decision for us children to come together and be with him for his heart bypass operation is our silent way of acknowledging the fear and the possibility that this might be the last time we see him alive, and that at least, he has all of us his children around him when he goes.

still, i am so scared.

papa is only 66.

Pope John Paul II on Truth

"The truth is not always the same as the majority decision."

Trips

the kids and i just got back from a four-day vacation at the world famous Boracay. needless to say we're all tired and tanned but happily so. we enjoyed our selves and did as we pleased, thank God for the comfortable budget we were able to bring with us (thank God even for the ex, their dad, who helped out quite surprisingly generously, when i told him where i was taking the kids and if he could help but it's up to him...)

on tuesday, i'll be off to another 5-day vacation trip, this time with my colleagues at work, where we will go on a package tour to Camiguin, somewhere far south of the Philippines.

on april 14-15, we department chairs and our dean are supposed to have a working beach excursion just somewhere north of our island, too, but i might not be able to make it as i would rather go to manila to be with my dad, who will be having his heart bypass surgery...

***

i will write more extensively on these trips later on, when i catch my breath and am able to collect my thoughts and impressions again, but for now, all i can say is that i've always welcomed the chance to travel, ever since i was a kid.

one of my most perused books was Disney's Wonderful World of Travel, and my other hobby when i was 8 or 9 years old-- aside from reading and writing-- was cutting out the coupons in magazines for free travel brochures and mailing them at the post office, so i could get all these wonderful travel catalogs back (of course i lied about my age heehee).

as with books, i think travel is the other best way to expand one's experiences and perspective of the world. not the touristy, shopping mall kind of travel, but the real kind, the kind where one engages in the lives of the natives more intimately by travelling as they do and eating as they do and living close to how they live.

it's not just a physical "trip" to another geographical location. in many ways, it becomes a mind trip to other states of consciousness and even a soul trip to other levels of being.

i grew up living in the mezzanine floor of what used to be my parent's store in a public market. i didn't have the "normal" childhood of playing physical games in lots of open spaces, or even just playing with dolls (my father thought it was an unnecessary luxury).

my childhood was spent working at the store, from sweeping the floor and wiping the dust off the merchandise, to helping in the inventory and tending the cash register as soon as i learned to count well, then on to attending to customers and suppliers and all the myriad sorts of strange people one gets to meet in a public market. there were no weekends nor holiday vacations (not even Christmas!... well only Good Friday, and even that was just half a day...), as weekends and holidays were the busiest store seasons too. we were forbidden to play too much with the other street and market kids because of their coarse manners and foul language. thank God my mother had the insight and foresight to provide us with books and lots of paper and pencils and crayons to at least let our imaginations run wild and free even as our physical bodies lived in cramped and dingy surroundings!

that's why i always say-- my father gave me roots (for his introducing us to the harsh realities of life at such tender ages), my mother gave me wings (for her introducing us to the value of imagination and dreams and following one's passions).

***

i have written a lot of my love for books and writing here, but rarely so of my love for travel. so in the next few blogs, i think i will focus more on these mind and soul trips, even as they take me physically to real geographical places.

hang on for the ride!

Thea's Talent

Thea first sketched this on paper from her own imagination, then scanned the sketch, and filled in the colors and the highlights using Corel. Tala means "stalking wolf", according to her, when I commented that it means "star" in Filipino Tagalog.

She's into pets now, particularly dogs. Check out her own self-created website/forum!

She is only 12 years old. She wants to be a computer animation artist, or one of those heroine character players at Disneyworld. : )

Bea's Wisdom

my four-year-old Beatrice, lying with her tummy on the floor, drawing with her crayons on a piece of paper, asks me, "Mama, how do i spell 'i love you'?"

so i spell it for her: I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U

she sighed, "why does it take so long when it's so easy to say?"

i stop to think. hmmm...

"because 'love' is the longest word, darling. it has four letters. next comes 'you', which has three letters."

she pauses too, with the butt tip of her red crayon on her chin, 'so 'I' is easy. but 'Love' and 'You' take a really long time!"

***

you got it right, baby.

: )

Summer Reading List

today is officially the first day of our summer vacation here, with endterm exams ending yesterday. that means i won't have classes to handle anymore for the next two months, although i will still be holding office as department chair for the last 6 weeks of my term. i will be officially taking my vacation leave during the last three weeks of may...

i started my vacation on the right foot. : ) i woke up at 6am today and went out for my long walk, which i haven't done for the last month! the two small kids were with me and they enjoyed running around and playing in the grass and picking flowers while i walked briskly and enjoyed the early morning breeze and light sunshine. then i took them to Jollibee (our local McDonald's here, even bigger than McDonald's on a per country basis!) for breakfast, after which paolo asked to be dropped off at his cousins' to spend the day playing with my sisters' children.

bea is now enjoying "Dora, The Explorer" on tv while i just finished showering. i have my work planned out for today -- a second visit to the ob-gyne for my annual pap smear results, my annual prophylaxis with the dentist, and my monthly facial at the skin care salon, in addition to cleaning out my closet, my bookshelves and organizing my paperwork. with all these done today and tomorrow (at the latest), i'm off to a good, relaxing and enriching summer and i can't wait!

***

what makes me particularly excited about summer is my summer reading list. our university library had a book sale yesterday and i ogled all the old and new books available for bargain sale. finally, i bought the following at only 50 to 80 pesos (50 to 75 cents) each!

take a look at the titles and the blurbs:

1. Lives of Our Own-- Secrets of Salty Old Women, by Caroline Bird, Houghton-Mifflin, 1995. "In this groundbreaking book, Caroline reports on the hitherto undocumented world of lively, productive, independent women who are inventing satisfying new lives for themselves, mostly after spending years in the traditional roles of wives and mothers." (although the book is about 55-something plus women, i certainly feel like the women described right now!)

2. Fire in the Belly--On Being A Man, by Sam Keen, Bantam, 1991. "With traditional notions of manhood under attack, today's men (and women) are looking for a new vision of masculinity. ... It begins with a frank discussion of men's unconscious bondage to Woman (not a woman), to the primal power that women wield over men. Only when men begin to learn the uniquely male mysteries can they go on to build nurturing, satisfying relationships with each other, with a mate and with a family." (so i can understand better how it is from The Other Side, and help "train" my men friends... until i get to My Man... heeheehee)

3. George Eliot: Voice of A Century, A Biography, by Frederick R. Karl, W. W. Norton, 1995. "Eliot, torn within by the contradictions between the desire to conserve the past and yet to change the limitations imposed by class and gender, proves to be a fascinating individual ..." (well, i think the reason for my choice is obvious. it strikes a chord within, and im hoping that by reading the book, i'll be provided with my own clearer roadmap in my own journey and blossoming as a woman, a writer, and a human being...)

4. Conversations with Maya Angelou, edited by Jeffrey M. Elliot, University Press of Mississipi, 1989. what hooked me was this blurb: "(Maya Angelou's) rhythmic, spellbinding cadence quickly draws you into her confidence as this admirably defiant artist tells you about her bewildering childhood... about black identity and self-image, about her romantic imagination ... about her personal commitment to the Civil Rights Movement, and about her rejection of all things that are negative." (sounds like me in that last part!!!)

5. Letters to Sartre:Simone de Beauvoir, translated and edited by Quentin Hoare, Little, Brown and Co., 1992. no need for a blurb. Simone de Beauvoir has been one of my personal heroines ever since i read her autobiography when i was only 17.

then, too, there are my two borrowed books from the library, borrowed since october of last year yet, which i only kept renewing but never managed to start reading:

1. Women, Sex and Addiction, A Search for Love and Power, by Charlotte Davis Kasl, PhD, Ticknor and Fields, 1989. " With this wise, compassionate book, women will learn to experience their sexuality as a source of love and positive power, and sex as an expression that honors the soul as well as the body."

2. Magdalena, The Sinner, A Novel, by Lilian Faschinger, Harper Collins, 1997. "One of the most original and controversial books to recently come out of Europe, Lilian Faschinger's Magdalena, The Sinner presents a headlong collision between eroticism and religion, men and women, freedom and conformity."

needless to say, for those who already know me and where i've been, the last two books reflect my state of mind since october, and the state of my concerns--exploring my sensuality and sexuality responsibly and with integrity, even as i grow to sexual and further emotional maturity...

***

hmmm...

notice a running theme through all the books? : )

i guess you can say that my summer reading list is my self-designed syllabus for growth.

mmmm... imagine the woman i would be after two months!!!


: D

Towards a Bigger "YES!"

a friend who's been having a stressful time doing the rounds of employment searching and interviews lately laughed when i commented on his last interview, which he said he didn't like at all -- "well, it's just one more NO, on your way to your YES".

he said it was a nice way of looking at it, but i hope he doesn't think im just being breezily witty, trying to cheer him up. it's actually another personal theory i have, when things don't work out for me.

when things don't work out, although im disappointed, i can also see why it didn't work out, especially what i didn't like, that made me say "NO", whether in words or actions.

so as not to dwell on self-esteem bashing, i focus instead on what i learned from what didn't work out, and basically it's a lesson on what i don't really like or want, when i thought i wanted/liked it or it didn't really matter in the first place.

so i now have a collection of "NOs" in my list, in terms of the kind of work i love to be doing for life, and the kind of man i would love to spend the rest of my life with.

in terms of work-- no to routine and drudgery and doing the same thing year in and year out, no to a controlling and very structured environment that discourages initiative and creativity, and no to not being able to directly serve people at all, without lots of human contact, to name a few.

in terms of life partner -- no to dishonesty and meanness and irresponsibility, no to a negative and judgmental and controlling attitude, no to unwillingness to admit mistakes and to learn new things, no to self-centeredness and who doesn't care about the things i am passionate about, no to poor health (if he can't take care of him self, he can't very well take care of other things in his life!), to name a few.

so maybe the next work and the next love will still show me more NOs i need to learn about my self,... or maybe i am getting to my YES now, little by little.

i can see it from the kind of work im doing now, which i enjoy; and the kind of men i'm meeting now, whom i enjoy, trust and respect, and who enjoy, trust and respect me back, as good friends, at least.

: )

Rough Day Turned Right Side Up

today is probably one of the roughest days i will always remember in my whole memorable life.

it's not so much what's happened but that i didn't have the energies to be Grace, much less to be Fire. all i wanted to do today by noon was to climb into bed and hide under the covers and weep.

woke up at 2am for a bathroom break, but as im wont to do, i check my email along the way for anything interesting. got an email from a friend i was fast falling for... and found him answering my question truthfully, at last, but belatedly.

another disappointment. another betrayal.

slept fitfully afterwards, wondering why i get involved with these types. thought of doing my Womanly Arts "spring cleaning" (another blog on that later) and analyzing all the past "friends" and why they ended up not the ones for me (tentative title, "Kiss and Tell", if i get around to actually writing it as a blog)... but sleep got the better of me, and so i dozed off.

woke up too late at 630 am. the ex was already outside honking, and i had to rush waking the kids up. he was upset and rushing, too, so he left the kids' allowances with the maid instead and drove off.

i didn't even manage to shower, just a quick facial wash and sponge bath and off to school with the kids, who were anxious about being late. after the two older ones were dropped off just in time, i was set to bring the youngest to her preschool recognition day dress rehearsal, when the maid told me she forgot to bring Bea's costume.

so we had to drive back home to get the damn costume and drive the other way around again to get her to the rehearsal. by this time, i was running late for my own students' thesis defense, and i pressed on the accelerator to get to school and embarassedly sneaked into the defense room, with the defense well underway already.

by midmorning i had a throbbing migraine, but i had to fetch Bea again. on the way to fetch Thea and Paolo, we were caught in heavy traffic. as we inched slowly along, the car suddenly stalled and spewed smoke inside! so i had to stop right there in the middle of the road and ask some people to push it towards the side of the road.

Bea, the maid and i got off and took out all our bags and packages, as we trudged on to find a taxi. it was getting near noon, and the extreme noonday heat was getting to us, with Bea whining, and me with a splitting headache.

still we had to go fetch Thea and Paolo. i seated the maid and Bea at a small diner near the school while i walked to fetch the two older kids. i told them we will eat lunch at the diner instead as it was too late for the maid to fix lunch at home, with the delay caused by the car trouble.

by noontime, at home, i was weepy. chatting with another good friend online helped. still, after a few minutes, i begged off to take a nap and give in to my need for crying it all away.

i slept a deep sleep, and woke up at 3pm, remembering that i missed my afternoon classes already! oh god. so i texted my students their assignments, and decided to take care of the car trouble instead.

i took another taxi ride to the opposite end of the city to my car mechanic's shop and literally begged him to take care of towing the car for me as i couldn't handle any more stress today! thankfully, he was quick to help and so, i was free for the rest of the afternoon to attend to other errands and chores i could have easily done with the car, but which took longer (and more expensive taxi rides) without the car. :(

by 5 pm, i was done. by 5 pm, i was also spent. so, despite a tight budget, i decided to treat my self to a manicure and pedicure at my favorite beauty parlor.

im glad i did, because it made the rest of an already beseiged day more manageable. by 7pm, i was home, and i further treated my self to a long leisurely bath, all alone. i expressly prohibited the small kids from joining me, as they are usually wont to do.

then, another friend, the one i had a fun date with last month, texted to say he's in town again, and asked for another date on friday evening.

hmmm. : )

of course i said yes. at least the day is ending in a more upbeat mood than when it started.

what's very interesting is this little miracle i see happening over and over again-- once i start pleasuring my self, even in very little things like a beauty parlor treat, i not only feel better, but good things happen again!

it's almost like a mantra for rough days like this-- stop, take a deep breath and take care of your self first, and the rest follows after you.

wow.

this is discussed too in Womanly Arts,... but i wonder now whether this is just a womanly thing, or is this really a universal principle that applies to all?

i don't believe the Universe is gender unfair. so that's why im sharing this here, instead of at the other womanly blog.

:)

My Life in One Page

what is your life like when contained in one page?

my answers to two questions in a survey made me sit up... and stand still.

New Windows Opening

When the Lord closes a door, somewhere He always opens a window!

- Maria, The Sound of Music

***

i leave for manila on the first flight out tomorrow, and come back on the last flight in on sunday. i will be documenting a conference of non-government organizations in the famed resort city, Tagaytay.

i am looking forward to the trip, not just because travel always enriches and renews me, and not just because i'll be doing something i love to do (write) and am good at (document) and will be with likeminded people about my passion for community service, but also because i am hoping and praying that this trip will be the start of a new career opportunity for me, doing the network of conference documenting.

how i got into this opportunity in the first place is serendipitous. i have a friend and colleague who's a key officer of the national committee of these non-government organizations. for the last two years now, i have been helping them write and edit their regular publications and reports, for free-- because of my friend, because i believed in what they do in serving other people, and because i just simply enjoyed the work, with the enjoyment as compensation in itself.

well, what do you know? this national association of non-government organizations are able now to more closely work with an international grant provider who can provide them with the funds to hold national conferences like this coming one, and to hire professional documentors along the way. my friend suggested my name to them and they were quick to hire me.

the offer was very welcome to me, too, personally. i'd be earning the equivalent of my half-month salary in just two days of documenting. all my other expenses will be paid--airfare, accommodations, food, local transportation. it would be like taking a paid vacation doing what i love to do and earning extra cash from it for the kids and my summer vacation and summer lessons! : )

the most serendipitous thing for me, though, is that the offer came in just as i handed in my resignation as Chair, last month.

this is just another proof to me that when you follow your heart, even when you say goodbye to some things which are not part of your heart's desires anymore, new things come to you which are more aligned to your heart's desires.

when you follow your heart, you need never be afraid of what comes next, for you will be taken care of. always.

the Universe is a good place to be, if only we allow It to do its work.

Why "Grace With Fire"?

this explains it all.

Moving On

i may not be writing on this blog for long. well, i'm sure i will not be writing my very personal pieces here anymore. (blush! blush!)

i've been feeling and thinking this quite a bit lately, how i've sort of outgrown this blog, or how some pieces here aren't really fit for general public consumption (another blush!), and i've been thinking of changing the look of this blog to a more feminine and intimate one. but once, i did try and i was afraid of the warning that some settings i might have here would be lost with the new template, so i hesitated.

anyway, i'm still thinking, too, that i might be keeping this blog, but more in line with the blog title, about life happening, not necessarily always to me, but maybe to other people too. : ) but i'm still thinking how to work that out without looking and sounding like a gossip column. hahaaa.

so i guess this is another ending here of some sorts. even if i won't delete this blog, it will surely take on a more thematic kind of content, as with my other new blog (it's in the Links section at the sidebar, too).

thank you to the friends i have made through this blog, who have shared my journey and adventures, who have commiserated with me and cheered me up especially when i was at my bottomest pit.

thanks, especially, to kolzen, who was the first friend i made here, and who gave me the idea that indeed, despite the virtual environment, there are living, breathing, caring real people out there in this wide wide world! then there was tim, and then jenny, belbeth, dan and amir, aside from my real-life friends talia and rolen and my cousin alvin.

so, this is a goodbye, and a hello at the same time, too. : )

on to our next adventures! cheers!

Big Jars, Little Jars

i have come to formulate this personal theory about people and relationships and why some times things don't work out: people are like jars that come in many sizes and colors, the bigger the jar the bigger the capacity and need for loving.

so many times, a big but simple-looking earthen jar is attracted to a petite but fabulously-colored little jar. they hang around for a while, pouring wine into each other.

Little Jar gets filled up easily, and can't handle more. Big Jar pours a lot and needs a lot to be refilled. so one day, Little Jar is soo full she actually starts breaking. Big Jar, in the meantime, has always been left with the feeling of being only half-full when he's with Little Jar. and so, he starts looking for other filling from other Jars, which are like Little Jar's size and color, but not quite. (it can also be the other way around with Big Jar a she, and Little Jar a he.)

and on and on it goes, Big Jar and Little Jar trying to share their wine by refilling each other, but not exactly in the way they like to be filled. and so, one day, their being together has to end.

*****

so far, i've been feeling like i'm Big Jar, surrounded by so many Little Jars, wanting, grasping for so much from me, but never giving back to me as much in return.

and i am just soooo tired now.

a friend has suggested, well why don't you put the lid on Big Jar for a while and stay put, and wait for another Big Jar to come along?

good idea, but what if this Big Jar didn't come with a lid?

i will have to make one, i guess.

Endings

it's only a little after the beginning of the year -- the western new year, the Chinese New Year, and even my own birthday year and cycle-- but im feeling like a war-torn veteran of several endings already.

if i didn't know any better, i would give in to that old bitching voice inside me, "what is it with you? why are you not satisfied with what is already there? why long for more? how dare you not stick with what's apparently good enough for most people?" which still follows me around in the aftermath of each ending.

but then, there's this other growing voice inside me, growing louder and stronger at each ending, that tells me, "this is not the one for you. you've grown enough to know who you really are and what is for you, and you know that this is not who you are, or who you want to be for long. so it's okay dear heart, you are just having to say 'no' now to a lot of things and people you should have said 'no' to years ago, but then you needed the lesson they give you to bring you closer and clearer to who you really are. you are just saying 'no' now, clearing out space in your life, and saying 'yes' to what is still being formed but is definitely coming!"

still, it's a lonely occupation, seeing clearly and choosing consciously, saying 'no' to what is already here, in favor of a bigger, higher 'yes' still unformed, keeping faith that it is on its way... standing alone in the crowd.

times like these, i actually wish i could just go back to sleep and slide away into the throng of the invisible mindless masses.

Magdalene, Reclaiming Self

Nevermore
will i disrobe
for a man
who claims
to love me
yet still wears
in his hand
the troth
of an old beloved
in his heart.

What My PJ Training Has Taught Me

My basic peace journalism (PJ) training has strangely done significant wonders, not in my writing, but in my speaking.

I have been writing freelance for local, national and some international publications for the past 24 years, since I was 13 years old, and the concepts I learned from my PJ training were basically just another set of tools in the bag which I could use in presenting topics and issues in a manner that promotes deeper thought and reflection, and a more peaceful consciousness.

But, it has only been half a year since my PJ training weekend ended and already, I have made notable strides in my improvement as a peace-promoting speaker.

Being by nature open, honest and candid, I've always have had a personal struggle with speaking my truth in a non-threatening, less hurtful way.

When I do speak my truth, I have been called everything from "refreshingly candid" to "painfully honest" to "brutally blunt" and "insensitive", and it has always been a struggle for me to get my message across as kindly as I could. So, my usual recourse before, when faced with the choice of either being brutally blunt or kind, was to hold my tongue and just stew in silence. Some times, it worked, especially if the issue at hand was not so important; but more often, in matters of principle, it only made me guilty and resentful, and I ended up brutalizing bluntly, anyway.

Now, with my PJ training, I have found a better recourse. Here are some of the few concepts I have used to improve my speaking behavior:

1. Separate facts from perception and opinion.

Whenever a topic is discussed, it usually escalates to an "issue" for argument, when the people involved mix up their facts with their own perceptions and opinions, and mistake their own version of truth as The Truth. So, in speaking with people now, especially when I find that the discussion is quickly heating up, I take a deep breath, step back (even if only mentally), and ask the other person involved and my self if we can please review first what has exactly happened, and THEN discuss our feelings and opinion about what has happened.

Usually, I find that we agree on what has happened. If not, we only disagree at those points where we had incorrect or partial information, and a cool, calm, non-threatening review of the facts brings out all the information necessary, from all sides.

This initial agreement almost instantly brings the boiling temperature down to a manageable level, so that by the time we discuss our opinions, we are able to see that each other's opinion is filtered by each other's unique personal background and character, even if the opinion also always contains a grain of truth in it. When we bring the discussion further deeper into the feeling level, we begin to appreciate each other's vulnerability as a human being, and we learn to be more careful of the words we use because at a basic level, our words either harm or heal.

2. There are always more than two extremely opposing sides to an issue.

Given the experience above, one soon learns that the world is more of a rainbow than a strictly black-and-white palette. As more people are involved in a discussion, and no. 1 above is observed, one sees and learns that there are many truths leading to a bigger truth, and in a most basic way, each truth is valid, from each person's point of view.

Given this principle, which gives rise to the notion of also interviewing the "people on the ground" (those directly and intimately connected with the issue at hand), aside from just interviewing the official "authorities", I have also learned to ask about the facts from primary sources rather than just secondary ones, no matter how authoritative they are supposed to be. And I am learning that there is a whole spectrum of interpretation of the facts, usually according to the source's intimacy with the actual event.

3. Beware of labels.

"You are just plain lazy, that's the problem." When faced with this statement, our usual reaction is to respond back defensively or attack the other person, too, quickly contributing to escalating conflict.

But if we step back and ask some initial probing questions--

a. Why do you say that?
b. What did I do to make you say that?

to get the facts, we soon learn that the accusation is basically just a perception and opinion of the other person. That realization is a tremendous release to not take things too personally anymore, and if we care about the person or the relationship with that person, to focus on working to a better understanding of facts and the personalities involved, thus creating a richer and more harmonious relationship.

"The project is a failure, because you did not perform as expected." Again, this is simply an opinion. What does one mean by "failure", according to which standards? What was expected? Was it a generally understood expectation, or was it a personal expectation of the other?

4. The best complaint is the one that also suggests a solution. Otherwise, it is just plain bitching.

We are so enmeshed in a global culture of complaining-- of mistaking opinions for facts, of a you-(or they)against-us mentality, of thoughtlessly assigning dangerous and unfair labels--without also engendering a culture of solutions that it is no wonder our world is so conflicted these days.

Imagine what could happen if, for every time a person, citizen, lawmaker, lawbreaker complains, there is a "penalty" of also coming up with a suggested solution to the "problem" (I prefer to use the word "challenge"; "problem" connotes an impassable blockage, "challenge" connotes the potential for hurdling it)? It would be good, too, to "require" the complainer to be an active part of that solution. : )

And imagine further what could happen if, when a solution is suggested, all parties involved take time to thoughtfully reflect on the perceived challenge and the suggested solution, discuss the facts involved, as well as the opinions and feelings on the matter?

(Imagine Bush and Bin Laden doing this? Heehee. On deeper thought, is it really about Bush vs. Bin Laden? Hmmm. But then, that's another story.)

Just the experience of going through this process transforms the persons involved, into becoming more humane and peaceful, instead of regressing to just being mindless, helpless complainers.

In the end, the best lesson I learned, not just from my PJ training itself, but from working with Pax Christi, is the first lesson I learned when I joined Pax Christi, and it is the opening statement we use in the Peace and Conflict Journalism Network (PECOJON)'s e-group website's introductory note:

Conflict is part of life; conflict is part of change.

And, conflict does not necessarily mean violence. There are other alternative, more co-creative ways of addressing conflict.

Peace offers many avenues.*

Go

11/25/04 - 3/3/05

from you

i learned:
to be more careful
of the words i use,
to not take things
personally,
that each person
has his and her own
view of the world.

i also learned:
to handle
potentially escalating conflict
calmly, carefully
with well chosen words
and tone of voice.

with you

i loved:
sharing passions--
books,
words,
writing
art,
"beasts" ;>
literature,
astrology,
mysticism,
soul growth, and
our daily observations
and experiences.

but now
the time has come
to part ways.

we are better off
apart
than together,
as we only hurt each other more
up close
than at a distance.

this is no way to live.
this is no way to be.
this is no way for friends.

so go.
go in peace and love.
i bless you to your journey.

go.

"goodbye" also means
God bless you. : )

Intimacy Essentials

i just availed of Astrology.com's free sample Intimacy Essentials Report, and here is what it said about my particular intimacy and relationship needs:

When Jean was born, the Sun was in the Sign Pisces, the Visionary or the Mystic.

Jean's basic sanity and vitality depend upon her frequent and regular immersion in experiences that help her connect to herself as something vaster, more mysterious and far less definable than merely her ego, body or personality. Jean needs to explore states that involve her formlessness and boundarylessness. To dissolve the narrow definitions of the self into something larger.

In short, Jean requires a steady diet of altered-state experiences to nourish the Mystic and the Visionary at the core of her need and capacity to experience other worlds, inner, meditative or creative, as just as real and compelling as the outer world. These experiences should be consciously chosen, calming, and heighten Jean's awareness--not dull it with escapist or addictive behavior.

Jean's nature is sensitive, compassionate, dreamy, and intuitive, full of mystical or psychic sensibilities. An atheistic, skeptical, totally linear and uncompromisingly pragmatic attitude and lifestyle would be poisonous to her. (emphasis mine.)

For a relationship to blossom, committed love must deepen Jean's sense of the indescribable Mystery of life, not reduce it. In intimacy, Jean's tendency towards sappiness (sappiness!) may present some problems, but they're insurmountable only in two cases: if Jean has chosen to numb her sensitivity with addictions, or if she has chosen a rigid, judgmental and defensive realist as a mate. (hmmm... no wonder that first marriage was horrible! i see more clearly now that we were really the wrong fit; i drove him crazy with my "ethereal-ness", i wilted under his very "realistic" stare. imagine Joan of Arc and Hitler together!)

Jean's constant, if unspoken, search for Spirit at the core of everything may seem unworkably Quixotic at times, yet that same search can recognize and honor the soul of her mate and add immeasurably to the enchantment of the relationship.

***
so, the bottomline for me is to find somebody who will feed my Spirit, more than my mind and body, huh?

hmmmm..... (no wonder i used to want to become a nun... heehee!!! glad i didn't, poor priests, with temptation right at their doors. haahaa.)

hmmmm. : )

Suddenly, Life

J's back, and so suddenly.

we first met in november 2003. sparks flew, fireworks exploded, in a good way and in a sad way.

we clicked instantly; we also fought like hell. we were (and still are) both so frank and bullheaded.

in three weeks, it was over.

***

and today, more than a year later, he's back. just as suddenly.

we talked a very loooong talk.

some issues were resolved-- my intense jealousy, his pining for his dead former gf.

he wants to pick up where we left off. i held back. how dare he just barge into my life again and expect me to just accommodate him so easily???!!! the nerve.

we argued again.

and made up.

all in a span of half a day.

needless to say, the atmosphere is electric. suddenly, Life beckons again.

i am suddenly feeling so energized i feel like i could do a whole week's paperwork backlog in just one night, tonight.

***

hmmm... is this what my dream meant, about finally getting "It" at last?

: O

First Day

the preparation was more exciting than the actual day.

first day of my 37th year, i spent at home, sick from (of?) work-
feverish, headachy, even jaw-achy with my other wisdom (!) tooth erupting,
dressed in old baggy clothes, with not even a touch of lip gloss, bad hair, hohum skin,
struggling to check papers i have come to dread,
opening my journal to write it all away and hopefully feel better
but staring blankly at it instead and falling asleep,
offended a friend,
short fuse with kids,
weepy but unable to weep,
fell asleep again,
dreamt an unmemorable dream
(all i knew was the sense of something clicking into place,
me getting it at last--whatever that "it" is),
waking up now, my second day
still feeling sick
unready to face the world.

days like these,
i feel like giving up
on me.


: (

The Hours

i don't think The Hours is just another suicide movie, as its plot outline describes it. i haven't read the book but as i watched the film, i could definitely sense some sort of intuitive understanding of it.

the title itself, and some particularly telling dialogue (how Clarissa thinks Richard's "look" means she preoccupies herself too much with triviality) highlights a fact of life most people (including the woman her self!) commonly do not pay attention to-- a woman's life.

a woman's life is generally made up of the little moments, "the hours", those seemingly insignificant, trivial and dull moments of picking out flowers to buy, baking a cake, talking with a friend, being there for a suffering friend, planning a party (interestingly, with all activities usually devoted to giving, caring, making somebody else happy)-- which still ultimately defines the quality of her whole life.

if the moments, the hours, are the hours she has freely and consciously chosen (Laura saying, "what shall we do today?") then it becomes an empowering and full life for her (is she happy too? does she find joy in doing those things that she has decided to do, whether consciously or by default?); if the hours are dictated by what she "must do" (but that she doesn't really find joy in doing) as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, then it could become a limiting and deadening life for her (Virginia Woolf at the train station, explaining to her husband how it feels to be living a life she did not choose for her self).

as i understand it, suicide can also be the ultimate act of self-reclamation. when you are feeling helpless and powerless about many aspects of your life, it can be the final liberating and empowering moment, taking back what was rightfully yours in the first place.

so i viewed this as a movie about three women who struggled and dealt with, in their own way, the deadening effects of a sanitized life-- whether caused by the small-mindedness of social mores and conventions about how a woman should be, that nameless emptiness one feels in a lonely marriage, or the prison of regret over what could have been and trying to make up for it for the rest of one's life.

indeed, it is a disturbing movie (some reviewed it as "confusing", as they couldn't make heads or tails of it), because it takes us to something which we commonly ignore and forces us to take a look at it again and re-think what it means again. (look at your wife, mother, sister, girl friend again, and ponder what she does with her hours, and whether she's happy with them... or, if you're a woman, too, look at your life again!)

Brent Trafton is also right in saying that it is a movie for people who care enough to think about the movie and what it means long after they have left the theatre.

Kids

Paolo looks at the calendar and asks, "Mama, isn't it Feb. 28 today?"

and i say, "uh--huh..." while working on the pc.

"isn't your birthday Feb. 29?"

and i say, "uh--huummmm..." distractedly.

"but there's no Feb. 29 in the calendar!!! they forgot all about you!!!"

"it's okay, darling. they celebrate my birthday with the Summer Olympics when it comes, anyway..." : )

and then, his clincher: "Mama.... how did you grow so tall if you didn't have a lot of birthdays???"

: O

Cocytus

my friend elects
to embrace
his pain
more
than to let go
and take
my sometimes gently
sometimes angrily
but always lovingly
proferred hand
towards life's
little joys
and adventures.

my friend
lashes out
when i try to--
wipe his tears,
hug him quietly in company,
distract him with laughter,
open the windows,
welcome light,
and let sunshine
and fresh air in.
damned if i do,
damned-er still
if i don't.

and so i must
finally
let go;
pain,
anger,
hate,
fear,
gloom,
unlovingness,
self-centeredness,
i can break through --
but not
Despair.

My First Book

Papa's House, Mama's House
2004 Philippine Board of Books for Young People (PBBY)
Alfredo Salanga Grand Prize for Children's Literature

Read review here.
Order here. (It's the eighth book from the top.)

Thank you very much! : )

Summer's Coming

our happy family and what we did last summer

i can't wait for another season of rest, fun and renewal!!!

The Optimist's Creed

a quote i got in the mail today, attributed to Charles Schultz, creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip -

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

: ) : ) : )

Under the Tuscan Sun

i have always felt and believed that i am led to watch the movies i do watch in the same way i am led to books i eventually am drawn to read--by serendipity.

somehow, i have always felt that i have questions deep inside me that i am trying to work out, and films and books give me messages to lead me further on to my answers.

this movie i just watched is a true-to-life adaptation from the memoirs of writer Frances Mayes. it talks about how a woman (the author) reclaims her self again and finds her true niche and love after a nasty divorce, by following her heart. her journey takes her to Tuscany, where her gay friend was drawn to buy her a ticket to for a gay tour. her friend thought she'd benefit from the fun tour.

from desire to desire, Frances is led along, just following what lights her up, what causes a quickening inside her. she is moved to buy a 300-year-old house when she doesn't have the money for the asking price, yet the house was eventually sold to her by the owner anyway. her rebuilding and renovating the old house becomes a metaphor for her own attempts to rebuild and renovate her own life.

"Build the house, and forget everything else. You will be led to your joy," was one advice she got from a new friend she made in Kathrine, a mysterious, attractive, fun mature woman who captivates her with her gleeful delight in following her pleasures.

she also gets another advice from another friend, a married man friend (the house's real estate agent, actually) who told her the story of how the railroad tracks from Vienna to Italy (?) were built long before trains were even invented.

sounds very similar to a quote i read from a book many years ago, "If you build (the house), the occupants will come" -- or something like that.

i am even reminded now of that movie starring Kevin Costner as a washed out baseball player who eventually starts his life over in a new small town and gets a champion team going from a motley group of interested but untrained and untalented players, Field of Dreams, which also said something about preparing the field for the dreams to grow in...

hmmm... there is a message here for me somewhere, and the message seems to be that: i am on the right track, encouraging me in my journey.

since the New Year, i have decided to more consciously just follow my Bliss, pursue my deepest desires, express my truth and clearly state what i need and want from the people around me, and just having fun and enjoying what i have now and thanking God for it (also re-emphasized to me by the book i recently finished, "Womanly Arts") ... and strangely, things are working out, falling into place.

i see now that my instinctual "clearing out space" recently is my own way of building my new "house" for my truest desires and dreams to manifest.

and to think that the last movie i watched before this (Shall We Dance) also had a similar theme-- following one's lead that will lead one to one's joys!

: )

In Addition to Fun

... i feel joy, and humility, and gratitude, and awe.

Belbeth from Central America emails me to congratulate me on my blog: Hello Jean! I am a 30 year old girl, I love your articles!.. They are so enlighting....!!!.. and totally true..!!I could easily post a coment in your blog but.. I rather CONGRATULATE! you in private.!!I am a big fan of your ideas!!

so i reply back: thank you! i hope you still comment though, so i could also click the link on your blog and comment too. (in short, id like to know more about you and why you agree with my thoughts, heehee).thank you very much, it's 5am and you just made my day. : )God bless.

and she clinches it with: No need to thank, dear Jean. You are so talented and such an amazing woman!! I have to recognize that!!! I live in Central América, Guatemala., I am single, and very dissapointed in some guy´s issues.. but .. one of your articles.. really brought me up to life again.. God bless your brilliant mind!!! And I am definetely looking forward to be your friend in América.

of course my heart fills up with joy at praise like this!!!

but more than that, i am in awe. God does send angels in our midst to lift us up when we think we're so alone!

thank you, too, Belbeth. you are a blessing too with your generosity!

Fun

i had a really fun time with a new friend tonight; i've never felt soo good in ages!!!

i don't remember feeling this relaxed and enjoying my self and laughing so hard with a new friend i've just met.

i am going to sleep smiling. somehow i have the feeling that, for the first time in a long time, the bedbugs won't bite tonight.

:) : ) : )

Why Love Is Not Enough, 2

i am reminded of this poem i wrote two months ago here, as i think about my life right now, and the people in my life.

i am reminded too, of this advice from a relationships coach free newsletter i subscribe to: that what makes relationships last are not common backgrounds and even values and attitudes towards life but "the key compatibilities that matter in a relationship are similar intimacy style, similar desire and availability to be in a relationship, and desire for a similar depth of connection."

it goes on to say that (i'm copying most of the article verbatim now): "Consider this. You may go to the same place of worship; both be smart about the same things; have a great way with entertaining; earn, save or spend the same way; and both believe in fidelity and the value of family. And yet, at the same time, you can both be completely miserable with each other, unhappy in your relationship."

"Intimacy style is a set of internal rules of conduct by which a person functions regarding emotional and physical closeness and communication. Note that you can't tell someone's intimacy style for about the first three months of the relationship, unless you know just how to look.

Ability to be in a relationship is the ability, desire and know- how to sustain a relationship. It may seem natural and intuitive, even innate, but it is not. It requires emotional relationship-centered maturity, and that only comes with emotional growth. Being available for a relationship includes the desire or an aversion to closeness, in terms of time, geography, physical contact, and emotional engagement.

Desire for the depth of connection, real intimacy, or lack of it, both physical and emotional is not a given, even if a person is dating to find a relationship, is in a long-term relationship, is married, or even has a family.

If you are in a relationship you value and the two of you are not compatible on these three criteria, you both need to focus on growing yourselves.

If you are compatible with a partner you are drawn and attracted to on these three key compatibility criteria, you have a good chance to be happily in love with each other for a lifetime, almost regardless of whether you are compatible in other areas.

these thoughts come to me as i consider the number of men friends in my life now, whom i respect, care about and adore, some of whom i may even have fallen in love with in the past or are in love with now, who care about me and respect me and adore me in return--yet, why am i not in a mutually agreed-upon long-term committed romantic relationship with any one of them?

***

remembering the poem and the quotes from the article, now, i see again that it takes more than mutual attraction and even loving feelings to create a longterm and loving relationship, much less sustain one.

i think it boils down to mutual readiness, and mutual availability and desire for a relationship and depth of intimacy.

i'm ready in the sense that i'm open to a romantic relationship and i believe i have the mature relationship skills necessary to create and sustain a loving one (based on the superior quality of other non-romantic relationships i have with people in my life; "everybody loves me!" heehee), i'm emotionally available and soon to be even legally available, and i desire a relationship of depth, even if i'm not so keen yet on a relationship of lifetime length... : )

so maybe the key is to find someone im not only mutually attracted to and have loving feelings for, but who shares my own readiness and desire levels, especially in terms of depth (length can be negotiable heehee).

hmmm....

i am very openly communicative, willing to talk tough issues out fairly and ride tough times out gracefully, would love to be doing lots of things together with my man, am the touchy-feely sort, but who would also like to maintain her own privacy. except for the last quality, which i readily find in most men, the rest seem to be hard to find in men...

somebody openly communicative and in touch with his own feelings, loves to do lots of things together with me, and the touchy-feely sort... WHO IS NOT GAY? : (

sigh!

Shall We Dance

i watched the movie starring Richard Gere, Susan Sarandon and Jennifer Lopez today, with my two girls.

i was missing D badly; it got so bad i wanted to cry but couldn't, so a migraine developed instead. i called in sick from work after lunch and slept the afternoon off. im glad i messaged D before i slept though; because it was a pleasure waking up to find a message from him in my cellphone! : )

as with all blues coming on, i have learned to instantly counteract it by quickly following my gut and asking my self "what would give me the most pleasure at this moment?"

so i slept and the nap did me good. next, i had to fetch Thea at 4:30 p.m. and Bea wanted to come along. from pleasure to pleasure, i felt the need for more, so i asked the girls if they wanted a snack. of course, both said a hearty "YES!"

as we were driving around, we discussed what we felt like having. both Thea and i agreed with felt like having pasta, and Bea piped up with a mocha shake desire, so we decided to go to Robinson's Mall and indulge our selves. we had so much fun just being pleased that we decided to watch a movie afterwards.

Shall We Dance caught Thea's and my eye, especially since we were planning to enrol together in belly dancing lessons come summertime. the movie's blurb read, "a new comedy about following one's lead in life" or something like that, and that sealed my decision to purchase the movie tickets.

it was supposed to have been a comedy, but as with all comedies, it made me cry. because it contained gems of truth within it.

the movie basically explores what lights people up, and how following what lights you up leads you to your joy, in one way or another.

the one thing that touched me most in the movie was when Susan Sarandon was asked by the detective she hired to spy on her husband (Richard Gere) why people bother to get married anyway if they are just going to be unfaithful to their spouses at one time or another. Susan answered: " to have a witness to one's life. there are 7 billion people in the world and what does one life mean if nobody's there to witness it, all its ups and downs, the good and the bad, the growing and the stagnating,... to witness it and to care about it, no matter what?"

well, something like that.

and that's what made me cry the most, because it is so beautiful and so true.

i wish D watches it too. he would enjoy the dialogues, like that "you are a woman to love" line he kept pointing out to me, in another movie we watched together last time. : )

Waiting for Nothing

beyond survival
finally arriving

rosebud unfolding,
a fresh blooming

doing what i can
to make things right

doing all i can
choosing to be joyful

no matter what
being at peace

no loving lost
as all remain in the heart

waiting for nothing
the good life happens

expecting all
done hoping, just doing

no postponing my life
anymore

just savoring Today
as it happens

knowing Bliss
is mine to make

at last.
at last.

9 Days To Go

i have really been going at this "cleaning up backlog and things of the past" thing with a vengeance, almost like i had a gun pointed to my head. i don't know why; i've never done this before, but gutwise, i just feel that i have to clear space in my life for when i turn 37, so a truly new life begins for me.

it's interesting though that in Chinese astrology, this is the first of another 12-year cycle for me. i was born in the Year of the Monkey, which was also last year. the last Monkey year before that was when i was 24, the year i got married. imagine the coincidence huh.

my numerology reading also says that last year ( a "1" year) was the beginning of another 9-year life cycle for me, with this year, a "2" year, the year i put down new roots and lay the foundations for the next years to come. a "2" year is also the year when most people meet their soulmate. : ) ... hmmm.

even this free astrology report from Sara Freder tells me that something really outstanding in the heavens occur at midnight of March 1 (something about the beneficial planet of Jupiter aligning with my birth planet Neptune), with the next three months becoming really momentously beneficial months for me! ... another hmmm.

of course, ive already written down here previously about my own four-year growth cycles, with my feb. 29 birthday and all, and it just strikes me quite eeriely that all these cycles and my gut feeling of clearing space, and the recent self-proclaimed beach vacation with a friend (to clear out pent up "hunger", heehee) and Ancient Paths experiences ... all seem to converge to bring me to this point.

ive just sent in my long overdue PhD assignment backlog (due dec. 15, 2004 yet!), and the last of the backlogs are gone. the only work i have now are the current ones, and i'm starting to rev up again.

*****

whatever is in store for me, dear heart, ... stay gold. keep true.

Evening Prayer

thank You, God, for today, and for my winning in all three categories in the Toastmasters Club Area Contest i joined!!! : D it's: champion, evaluation speech; 1st runner-up, table topics speech and 2nd runner-up, international speech!!!

ooohhhh HUUUGGGGSSS!!! it feels soo good, being in the Path i am meant to be in at last, making heartfelt secret dreams come true!!! (i wasn't focused so much on winning but doing my best; but the winning is an affirmation that im on the right track, with my dream of maneuvering my career towards international and professional writing and speaking after im 40 taking shape now!)

thank You, God!!!

Morning Prayer

God help me with my speech categories in international prepared speech, table topics and evaluation today as i compete in our Toastmasters Club Area Contest. bless me with presence of mind, organization of thought, clarity of voice and effective delivery, within the allotted time limit!!! win or lose, help me do my club proud as their chosen representative.

i feel scared as i am unprepared, even up to now, going into battle on suicide mode. help me study and prepare (cram, actually) for them later and give me the inner centeredness to proceed forth from there. send Your Spirit to center me and guide me as i prepare my speeches this morning.

***

help me, too, with finishing my long overdue novel summary and analysis assignment this morning. thank You for dr. alburo's amazing patience and graciousness with our delays and help me make an assignment worthy of her long wait!

***

most of all, God, thank You -

* for our continued good health and safety from harm, my children, family, friends and i;
* the love and respect and joy of my children;
* my work, the people i work with, my students, the tests and trials which refine my character;
* my talents and skills and dreams and goals, and for helping me grow closer towards them a little bit more each day;
* my family and their continued love and support;
* my friends and the lessons i learn from them and with them; especially for M, and T, and D, and even N, and K;
* the past, for all the lessons and the gifts;
* the future, for all the wonders that You will still perform : );
* today, for another chance to be who i am meant to be and do what i am meant to do.

i pray, too, for all the sick and grieving people in my midst -- for papa, and mama, and honey, for jojo and his mother who has just passed on and their family, for the ex's uncle danny and their family; for T, in his searching and growing, for my student K and her husband and their marriage, for all the people around me trying to find peace and wholeness and healing again. bless them all with your Spirit and Love, and may my presence in their lives be of help, too.

thank you, God, for all the people in my life, for those who have left, and for those who are still coming! bless us, bless us all with Your Grace and Abundance!

love,
j

The Ancient Paths Experience

i first came across it two years ago, when i was in another city attending a conference on regional culture. it was a sleepy early afternoon, and i walked out to get some breeze. while walking around the university grounds, this streamer for "Ancient Paths" caught my eye, and i joked to my colleagues later on how i was tempted to gatecrash that seminar instead of attending my own conference, if not for the fact that when i inquired, the Ancient Paths seminar was full and couldn't accommodate me any more.

then, last july, when my sister accompanied me to receive my book award in manila, and we took a boat trip instead of the usual plane flight, as we had the time to spare but not the budget, she told me about this Ancient Paths seminar she recently attended. she told me about how it helped her see our family issues in a new light, and how she healed some deep ancient hurts in some way, as the seminar touches on intergenerational family issues and healing.

the boat trip was a healing, welcome trip too. as we couldn't anything much for a day and a half except walk around the ship deck and/or eat, we talked and connected again in a way we had never done ever since our college years and before we were married.

so anyway, i told her i was interested in attending one too and for her to let me know if another one was available.

and so finally, this january, she forwarded to me this text invitation to another Ancient Paths seminar and i signed up for a slot.

***

it was interesting how i started.

they required a paid reservation and i frankly told the coordinator in charge that i couldn't pay yet until the second day of the seminar when i get my pay. could they accommodate me still?

i was touched by the lady coordinator's generosity. she offered to pay for me her self with me paying her back on the day i get my pay. : )

i thought that was a good sign for me to go ahead.

***

i had my initial trepidations.

this was sponsored by a Christian church. as a lapsed Catholic who haven't gone to church for a long time except during special holidays (Christmas, sometimes), and someone who has had her religious-seeking phase in her late teens, experiencing quite a sampling of different other churches but finding mostly form but less substance, i was wary.

the opening night of the seminar, the introductory "ministry" part took 45 minutes! we were asked to stand up and sing, as we followed the lyrics on a screen. i sat on the first pew and stood up cooperatively but just read the lyrics with my eyes and enjoyed the singing of the other people. after ten minutes, i got tired of standing and sat down. at the back of my mind, i was already thinking that if some righteous church member here forced me to stand up again and sing and dance (!), i'd walk out. : )

gratefully, that didn't happen. and so my anxieties were eased up and i began to relax for the seminar itself.

***

it is called "Ancient Paths", for ancient, universal ways of being and relating that lead people back to themselves, and God.

the seminar basically focuses on how people's identities and destinies are formed by their family cultures, mainly through how their parents treated them-- whether in an affirming (they call it "blessing") way or in a negating ("cursing") way. and the thesis of course is that most people are so lost and wounded and broken today because they have been cursed (negated) by the very people who are supposed to be their haven of love, peace, comfort and joy.

so the small group interactions and prayers after the one-hour video lectures by Craig Hill are designed to help people express their woundedness, as well as to ask the Holy Spirit for healing and cutting off of "cursed" ties.

one other thing emphasized by the seminar is the concept of topical vs. relational communication. it discusses how most curses (negations) and relationship conflicts arise from the fact that people focus on topical communication--which actually comprises only 7% of real communication-- as opposed to relational communication--which comprises the other 93% (55% body language, 38% tone of voice and attitude of the speaker).

that was a key insight for me-- how we most often stew in hurt and pain over heated and negating arguments and conflicts with people we care about because of the topic (what/who is right/wrong), when the more important thing is the underlying value of the relationship (if we value the relationship, we can disagree in a non-threatening and even loving way, affirming the identity and worth of the other even as we disagree on ideas, behavior or performance).

***

parents are supposed to have key spiritual obligations to their children as special agents of God. they are supposed to impart blessing to their children, affirming their identities and thus creating happy destinies for them, as God has meant everyone to have. especially crucial are seven key times in one's life when the impartation of blessing is most significant--

1. conception
2. pregnancy
3. birth
4. infancy and childhood
5. puberty
6. marriage
7. old age

as one enters each phase, whether a blessing or a curse has been imparted determines the quality of one's later development. so people who were conceived and borne in lust and not in love tend to always have the feeling of unworthiness at simply existing, etc. the mother is supposed to have the primary task of birthing and nurturing.

at puberty, the father is supposed to have the main obligation to impart gender identity to his son and daughter. if he is not able to do this, or do this well, he releases his son or daughter into a world confused instead of confident, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually wounded and limping instead of strong and bold. and so on, and so forth.

***

anyway, my own personal insight and learning from the seminar is this: that i missed out on my puberty blessing.

that is why i still keep seeking for affirmation of my self, especially as a woman, from men who are much like my father--emotionally withholding and negating. add to that the fact that while i was growing up, both my parents were so engrossed in the business of keeping us and their stormy marriage alive that i was basically left to parent my self emotionally and psychologically. at puberty, my mother, whom i see now was still also uncomfortable with her own womanhood at that time, treated me like the little girl she probably wished i would remain forever, and neglected to teach me the ways of womanhood.

at 12, i had the body of an 18 year old, but the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. today, at 36, i have the body of a peaking thirtysomething but am still working on catching up in the emotional maturity department, especially when it comes to romantic entanglements.

no wonder i get so clingy and needy and insanely jealous when i fall in love and when i'm still unsure (and i am never sure!) about my beloved's affections for me. in many ways, i still keep longing for the affirmation of my womanly worth that i was never blessed with at a crucial time in my life!

it struck me so suddenly and clearly that i wept.

i've always "known" something like that, and i've begun to wonder about the patterns in my relationships, but it has never been that clear to me, the cause and effect of it all.

i have forgiven my parents long ago, around the time when i also left my marriage and finally took responsibility for my own life. but the insight that i gained from the seminar is that i have never really truly grieved over what i was cheated out of.

thus, the blockage i feel in emotional relationships with men even though i have moved on in all other areas of my life. although i am an empowered and accomplishing 36-year-old in managing my finances, work, career, talents, hobbies and in nurturing my friendships and social support systems, i revert back to a confused 13-year-old (if not further back to a clingy, needy, self-centeredly jealous 2-year-old!) when i start falling in love!!!

anyway, my small group prayed for me and with me, and gave me my long-overdue puberty blessing. : )

so im a full-fledged woman in her own right, in her own skin now. : ) first, the physical empowerment via the self-proclaimed beach vacation... and now this emotional, psychological and spiritual empowerment!

***

so in that sense, the seminar was a journey of self-discovery and healing for me. thus, the valentine gifts to my Papa and the ex... for forgiveness and closure and moving on.

***

a friend told me i have a different, lighter aura now, and i feel it too.

i am less prone to jealous attacks even when the bait is dangled right in front of me, for starters.

i am also less prone to taking things way too personally, imagining all sorts of doomsday scenarios, suspecting the man of mean intentions.

i am more forgiving and tolerant of a man's adorable inadequacies ("oh dear heart, he is JUST a man! : >) and i actually love the way he is more, starting to finally relax into true friendship with him, seeing him at last as not The Enemy who is out to get me, trip me up, con me, and/or use me if i don't let down my guard, but a fellow journey-er in this mystery of loving and living. in short, i have more compassion for him now.

***

the rage is finally spent.

even the "hunger" is not so all-consuming anymore. hmmm...

***

i am not afraid-- of me, of life, of men-- at last.

blessed me.

God is good, indeed.

: )

A Meaningful Valentine's Day

no, i still didn't any receive any roses, card or chocolates from a special man. and no, i still didn't get treated to any romantic dinner with plans for a more romantic and sexier getaway later on-- but heck, so what? how can i miss what i've never had? : )

today is the first valentine's day for me though that i didn't cringe nor stew in resentment for not being part of the special day. i made it special for me.

as a result of my Ancient Paths experience (i know i still have to write about that one), i did two very unexpected things today: i gave the ex a valentine gift, and gave Papa a valentine tribute.

the ex's gift was nothing huge; it was just a small green (his favorite color is green) scented candle with the letters "PEACE" engraved on it. and this is what i wrote on the card: "now that our 'mutual freedom' looms, i release and bless you to your joy. know that i have forgiven you and i, and that i don't regret the past. happy valentine's day!"

the tribute to Papa took longer and was emotionally costlier to make. i wrote little notes on all the things i learned from him, what he did right as a father, what i appreciate about him, as well as pasted baby and childhood pictures of me with him, on a little album made of handcrafted paper.

one insight from the seminar struck me, about how we write and speak beautiful eulogies to our parents and loved ones once they're dead but how we never even let them know how much we appreciated them when they were still alive...

i guess this valentine's day is a sort of closure for me. saying goodbye to the past and blessing the past, even as i clear space now to make room for truly happy valentine's days ahead!