Papao

ive been dreaming of Papao, my maternal grandfather, for two straight nights now. amidst the tossing and turning from disturbing dreams, Papao's face would come up, commiserating with me.

the first night, i actually dreamt him more fully. in my dream, i was crying and sobbing so, and he embraced me and i lay my head on his shoulder as i continued to sob. he looked grim-faced; i could sense he was angry at the cause of my pain, but he was tender and gentle with me. he never said anything, and i felt comforted.

tonight, i just suddenly woke up from seeing his face flash in my mind, and the quick thought that January is his birthmonth. for a hazy while, i thought of calling him up to greet him, but then i remembered that he is not in this world anymore...

***

i am suddenly missing Papao so. he was the fatherly presence and love in my young life, when my own father was too busy making a living, and too incapable of being tender and loving.

sometimes, i think, that Papao's early influence in my life somehow made up for and buffered me against the many onslaughts of misfortunes i would face later on. his love for me was unconditonal, his belief in me solid.

when i was still the only grandchild, and airfaire was cheap, i remembered being "borrowed" by Papao and Mommy (my maternal grandmother) on weekends or even on weekdays, to stay with them in Cebu.

i was only three years old then, but i still remember our daily ritual of my waking up at 7 a.m., taking a bath, eating and finishing my breakfast, for my prompt reward at 8 a.m.-- my daily one-peso Magnolia drumstick, from the ice cream man who would come rolling by at exactly the same time, every day.

Papao was an industrial and mining engineer, and he would go off to work each day promising me that he'd slay witches and dragons for me, from the many underground mines he was going into, and bring me their eyeballs as trophy at the end of the day, if i promised to be a good girl and do as Mommy bid.

i would try my best to be a very good and obedient girl and not ask too many questions (although i remember Mommy scolding me one time for asking, "Mommy, who created God then if He created all of us?"). by 5 in the afternoon, i would sit by the bay window and eagerly await Papao's arrival.

sure enough, soon, i would hear his car coming in and i would run to the door to greet him and get my trophy. sure enough, every day, without fail, he got me two full plastic bags of witches' and dragons' eyeballs, red round little balls with black dots on them.

it wasn't until i was already 17 when i learned that those "eyeballs" were actually seeds from some wild plants in the mountains, but when i found out, it only made me smile and love Papao even more.

i also loved to sit on his office chair and rummage through his drawers and things, trying them out for my own use. i especially loved his old Olivetti typewriter, the solid feel of the keys and the smell of typewriter ribbon, even as i typed gibberish happily, and "wasted" reams of paper. later on, when i learned to read and write, i would copy quotations from his many inspirational books, type them up on paper, and bind my papers together with some fasteners or ribbons, making my own little "book of verses".

he regaled me with stories, mostly of World War II, and history came alive for me because of him. my favorite story, though, is not of the war, but of his own grandfather (mine, too), who was a Tausug pirate named Tatay Dusli ("dusli" means to enflame, to burn), who terrorized the seas of Visayas and Mindanao by burning ships and entire villages if he wasn't given what he wanted, but made the women more than swoon at every port. eventually Tatay Dusli landed in Leyte, and fell in love with the daughter of a Chinese landowner, but their love was not meant to be, as she was of the rich gentry and he was not only an outcast, but a feared outcast at that. still, their love bore fruit in the person of Papao's father, Rafael, who was taken away from his mother but given to a good, hardworking childless couple who managed one of the Chinese's farms. this couple bore the family name Concepcion, and that was how he and us came to be Concepcions. Tatay Dusli, though, when the Spaniards came and colonized the islands, eventually bore the family name of "Noguerra" (for "no more war", as that was what he was made to promise by the Spanish colonizers, in return for considerable booty. : > ). true or not, i choose to believe his stories still.

in most of my teen years, i asked to spend my summers with them, not only to escape the drudgery of watching our store, but because i loved spending hours with Papao at his laboratory. he invented all sorts of things to make every day life easier and i was his young and eager and curious assistant. i remember this little battery-operated gadget he made to keep mosquitoes away. it emitted a soft buzz, and he explained that the soft buzz was to keep female mosquitoes out, as it is only the female mosquito which bites.

we loved watching movies together. i watched his favorite, King Arthur, with him many times, and he watched my favorite, The Sound of Music, with me sixty times (!), that summer of my fourteenth year.

in my later teen years, when my parents would take trips, he would come over to Bacolod to watch over us three kids, and he loved to stay in my room while i moved to my sister's. he loved reading my books, especially those on Theosophy and astrology.

Papao gave me my first and only set of Tarot cards, and handcrafted for me my first and only set of Runes.

Papao not only gave me unconditional love and support to be who i was and who i wanted to be, he also nourished my imagination and curiousity about the world, and treated me with utmost respect and consideration, never looking down on me patronizingly. he gave me the gift of utmost and unwavering belief in my self, that i could do anything and be anything, and that belief stood me through many many years of turbulence and confusion and pain and seeming loss.

Papao died in december 1997, a little more than a year after Mommy died.

Papao was born on january 23, 1919. the first aquarian i knew and loved. : )

belated happy birthday greetings, Papao.

thank you for still coming to my comfort, even when you are already in another world, another life.

i love you, Papao, always and forever.

Descansos

it is time for my own descansos now.

Pacquiao, Our Hero

i am not a sports buff, much less a boxing aficionado.

but this time i watched the Pacquiao-Morales fight on cable, live via satellite. a lot more hangs on this fight than just for the sport of it, for me and i think, for all of my countrymen and women.

Manny Pacquiao as a person is simple, humble, hardworking, with heart-- your typical every day Filipino and Filipina. not at all the corrupt government politicians nor the war-freaks and kidnappers and cheats or prostitutes or victims of abuse Filipinos and Filipinas portrayed in media.

this fight is about honor.

and this win reclaims that honor, in some way, somehow.

thank you, Manny Pacquiao.

5 a.m. Thoughts

i am jolted awake at 5 a.m., so i get up and walk around the house opening windows and peering out to see if the sun has come up. it hasn't.

my first thought that im aware of is that i'll do my walking on the tracks around the school football field after i bring the kids to school, so i better change into my walking outfit when i drive them to school.

next i sit down at the pc, and open my "Intention 3" file on the desktop. it's part of my Maintaining my Focus and Staying in the Feeling exercise that i've started to do after ive finished The Attractor Factor; it's a 30-day challenge set by its author to try, a documented experiment for me.

anyway, Intention 3 has to do with money (of course!) : ) but i will not elaborate on it here. for this 30-day experiment, im writing down my detailed "What I Desire" (Intend) and what's happening day-to-day in my going through the 5 steps of The Attractor Factor in my handwritten journal. for really really deep things, handwriting works best for me to get things out.

anyway, contemplating my Intention 3, i google search-- what can 100 million dollars buy? And then, a little later, what would it take to eradicate poverty?

i am wide awake now at what i've just learned--

it took 100 million dollars for Batman Begins' marketing.
it took 100 million dollars in a recent US aid to Colombia for counterterrorism.
it would take "$60 billion, once and for all", to eradicate poverty. that means only 600 more movie hype budgets or Colombian counterterrorism budgets, or a mix of both, to eradicate global poverty. in UN terms, that means only 0.7% of the gross national income of each of the 22 developed nations' budgets set aside for international assistance. this target was set by the UN 35 years ago but still hasn't been reached today, though.

WorldChanging.com explains that ending poverty would even have a multiplier effect:

What would ending poverty do for us? Many things.

Ending poverty would provide rich soil in which development, even leapfrogging could take root. It would reduce global tensions, helping to fight terrorism and minimize conflict. It would take pressure off the environment, helping us respond better to biodiversity loss and climate change. In every imaginable way, progress will be made easier if more than a billion of us are not struggling for survival.

and i thought 100 million dollars was already way too much, way too big to Intend! : ) : ) : )

(wink, wink!)

why would i limit what the Universe wants to give?

heehee. this is fun. now im back "in the Feeling" again.

***

P.S. interesting not-so-fun fact : ( --

World military expenditures topped $839 billion in 2001, up from $798 billion in 2000. The United States government's military spending accounts for 36% of that amount, which does not reflect increases in spending following September 11

Divine "Nudge"

the magazine feature is actually a double blessing for me. the ego stroke is okay, everyone always appreciates one : ) but there's another deeper blessing for me in it.

you see, i received the interview questionnaire from the church annulment process the ex is now filing, so he can marry his gf soon, almost a week ago. but, i just put it aside and tried to ignore it for a while... the questionnaire asked too many probing questions, even more than the Court did, and i dreaded the idea of rehashing the past and writing about it and opening up old wounds which are just newly-healed. it was like opening my very own Pandora's Box, something i don't want to do ever again, especially at a new beginnings time like now. but then, i wanted the church annulment, too, as it would free me up too, to marry the one i truly loved and who truly loves me back, someday, with church blessings. so, it was a dilemma.

anyway, the initial interview with my magazine-writer friend felt a lot like the church interview questionnaire. and early on in the interview, i frankly told my friend im not ready to dig up the past again just now, can i just send her the looooong personal response to the Court i wrote before, as it detailed everything anyway (the gist of my response was that, the ex's side detailed only the last year of the ten-year marriage; now here's the rest of the 9 years, to be fair!)?

and she agreed.

this then gave me the idea to finally just get on with it, attach the same response to the church questionnaire, and finally close the past for good, too!

isn't the Universe/God so great and kind and gentle and loving? : )

i am soo blessed.

two happy news : )

im still in an introspective mood, cleaning out personal files and my email boxes now... but i thought i'd take a break by sharing some happy news--

1. a woman magazine writer who happened to buy my book last year and who emailed me to congratulate me on the book and who has made efforts to befriend me, contacted me again today saying she wants to feature me in the first of a series of women survivors and winners her magazine has asked her to do, done Oprah-style. the magazine is for national circulation. so is this the beginning of fame, or what? : ) i hope the fortune follows soon after!

2. the German consultant on the peace journalism project im involved in and been asked to be national coordinator in just contacted me earlier too, that our grant proposal from Misereor has been approved!!! this means 3 years' paid part-time and flexi-time work in a project im passionate about, and an extra income of 200 Euro a month (12,000 Php; most people's monthly income already!!!) for the next 3 years!!!

oohhh, God is sooo good!!!

hugggggssss.

the upside of bliss

i got the answer to my own questions in my previous post below, about my writing and what it feeds on, while i was driving home for lunch an hour or so ago.

it came to me that maybe now, the time has come to take my writing to a higher level, the level of pure craft and Art.

after a weeklong creative writing workshop i attended in 3 years ago, i was asked to deliver the "valedictory" address in behalf of my co-fellows in the workshop, and i remember speaking about my own insights into the writing process, about how it has three levels:

1. the level of catharsis - usually most of us are driven to writing just to "get it all out" or we'd burst from all the pent-up feelings and confusing thoughts deep inside

2. the level of self-expression and self-understanding - when we've gotten the hang of it, we tend to continue writing just to express our selves, to hear ourselves think and see ourselves feel, so to speak, and in the process come to a better and deeper understanding of who we are and how the world is around us

3. the level of craft and Art - from self-absorbed writing for emotional release and self-expression, the highest level is probably that of pure craft, where we seriously study now our gift and its Art, and apply ourselves to the discipline of using it to touch others and communicate more effectively, beyond ego at last, just submitting ourselves to the training of our Muse.

and that's where i see my self going into in my writing now.

so be it! : )

if there's a downside to bliss

if there's a downside to bliss, it may be that Art has nothing to feed on. i am discovering that for my self, these days.

i am in a good place in my life, i have peace of mind and heart, i am content with what i have and trusting that whatever lies in store for me in the future i will be provided with what i will need. i have love in my life and i am growing into my potentialities. a secret gurgling brook of joy sustains me and nothing can touch it now, as it is a hard-earned kind of joy borne out of hard-won inner and outer battles.

everything is perfect, knock on wood. and i find that i cannot write as prolifically anymore.

is it just because i have been used to angst feeding my writing, or is that really how it is-- how Art must feed on pain and chaos?

or, maybe, my joy is just too precious and rare, writing too much about it would diminish it in some way... ?

Time Out : )

1. Go to www.google.com

2. In the search field, type "failure".

3. Click on "I'm feeling lucky".

What do you get? : )

Why an "Attitude of Gratitude"?

i got this from a subscription email today (good reminder!):

Creating a life of abundance for yourself is simple if you remember the magic words: "thank you." It's important to be reminded of how much we all have to be grateful for, and to make that "attitude of gratitude" a part of our daily lives.

Now, you might say, "What does being grateful have to do with abundance? And maybe I don't feel like I have much to be grateful for. I'm not a millionaire, I don't have a Jaguar, I hate my job…." The list could go on, couldn't it? But you may notice something else about that list. It consists of everything you don't have. That's called focusing on a lack. And it's a rule of the Universe that what you direct your focus on, you emphasize or energize and create more of. So, by focusing on what you don't have, you're simply creating more lack. It reminds me of learning about adding a positive and a negative number in grade school – you will always get less than what you started out with.

I'm talking about giving thanks for what you do have and the fortunate experiences of each day. You can start small. For example, maybe you got a seat on the bus or train this morning on the way to work and didn't have to stand. Maybe the weather forecast said rain, but the sun came out. Or, even if you're unhappy in a job, at least you have one! And then, of course, there are the people in your life. You can be grateful to have the love and support of a spouse or mate or circle of friends or relatives. And don't forget the unconditional love of a pet.

The Hausa people of Nigeria have a saying, "Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot." And that is just how the Universe works. When you focus on and express your thanks for what you do have, and the joy and love already in your life, the more abundance, joy, and love you will create in your life. To help you in this process, why not take some time at the end of each day to jot down a few things that happened that you were grateful for. You can call it your gratitude journal. I know that you will be surprised at all of the entries you can make when you take time to think about it. You are already blessed, and will only be blessed more when you have a grateful heart.

And, as Native American wisdom teaches us, don't forget to "give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way."

Harnessing Popular Will to Renunciate War

After The War
by Howard Zinn*

The war against Iraq, the assault on its people, the occupation of
its cities, will come to an end, sooner or later. The process has
already begun. The first signs of mutiny are appearing in Congress.
The first editorials calling for withdrawal from Iraq are beginning
to appear in the press. The anti-war movement has been growing,
slowly but persistently, all over the country.

Public opinion polls now show the country decisively against the war
and the Bush Administration. The harsh realities have become visible.
The troops will have to come home.

And while we work with increased determination to make this happen,
should we not think beyond this war? Should we begin to think, even
before this shameful war is over, about ending our addiction to
massive violence and instead using the enormous wealth of our country
for human needs? That is, should we begin to speak about ending
war-not just this war or that war, but war itself? Perhaps the time
has come to bring an end to war, and turn the human race onto a path
of health and healing.

A group of internationally known figures, celebrated both for their
talent and their dedication to human rights (Gino Strada, Paul
Farmer, Kurt Vonnegut, Nadine Gordimer, Eduardo Galeano, and
others), will soon launch a worldwide campaign to enlist tens of
millions of people in a movement for the renunciation of war, hoping
to reach the point where governments, facing popular resistance,
will find it difficult or impossible to wage war.

There is a persistent argument against such a possibility, which I
have heard from people on all parts of the political spectrum: We
will never do away with war because it comes out of human nature.
The most compelling counter to that claim is in history: We don't
find people spontaneously rushing to make war on others. What we
find, rather, is that governments must make the most strenuous
efforts to mobilize populations for war. They must entice soldiers
with promises of money, education, must hold out to young people
whose chances in life look very poor that here is an opportunity to
attain respect and status. And if those enticements don't work,
governments must use coercion: They must conscript young people,
force them into military service, threaten them with prison if they
do not comply.

Furthermore, the government must persuade young people and their
families that though the soldier may die, though he or she may lose
arms or legs, or become blind, that it is all for a noble cause, for
God, for country.

When you look at the endless series of wars of this century you do
not find a public demanding war, but rather resisting it, until
citizens are bombarded with exhortations that appeal, not to a
killer instinct, but to a desire to do good, to spread democracy or
liberty or overthrow a tyrant.

Woodrow Wilson found a citizenry so reluctant to enter the First
World War that he had to pummel the nation with propaganda and
imprison dissenters in order to get the country to join the butchery
going on in Europe.

In the Second World War, there was indeed a strong moral imperative,
which still resonates among most people in this country and which
maintains the reputation of World War II as "the good war." There was
a need to defeat the monstrosity of fascism. It was that belief that
drove me to enlist in the Air Force and fly bombing missions over
Europe.

Only after the war did I begin to question the purity of the moral
crusade. Dropping bombs from five miles high, I had seen no human
beings, heard no screams, seen no children dismembered. But now I had
to think about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the firebombings of Tokyo
and Dresden, the deaths of 600,000 civilians in Japan, and a similar
number in Germany.

I came to a conclusion about the psychology of myself and other
warriors: Once we decided, at the start, that our side was the good
side and the other side was evil, once we had made that simple and
simplistic calculation, we did not have to think anymore. Then we
could commit unspeakable crimes and it was all right.

I began to think about the motives of the Western powers and
Stalinist Russia and wondered if they cared as much about fascism as
about retaining their own empires, their own power, and if that was
why they had military priorities higher than bombing the rail lines
leading to Auschwitz. Six million Jews were killed in the death
camps (allowed to be killed?). Only 60,000 were saved by the war-1
percent.

A gunner on another crew, a reader of history with whom I had become
friends, said to me one day: "You know this is an imperialist war.
The fascists are evil. But our side is not much better." I could not
accept his statement at the time, but it stuck with me.

War, I decided, creates, insidiously, a common morality for all
sides. It poisons everyone who is engaged in it, however different
they are in many ways, turns them into killers and torturers, as we
are seeing now. It pretends to be concerned with toppling tyrants,
and may in fact do so, but the people it kills are the victims of
the tyrants. It appears to cleanse the world of evil, but that does
not last, because its very nature spawns more evil. Wars, like
violence in general, I concluded, is a drug. It gives a quick high,
the thrill of victory, but that wears off and then comes despair.

I acknowledge the possibility of humanitarian intervention to prevent
atrocities, as in Rwanda. But war, defined as the indiscriminate
killing of large numbers of people, must be resisted.

Whatever can be said about World War II, understanding its
complexity, the situations that followed-Korea, Vietnam-were so far
from the kind of threat that Germany and Japan had posed to the
world that those wars could be justified only by drawing on the glow
of "the good war." A hysteria about communism led to McCarthyism at
home and military interventions in Asia and Latin America-overt and
covert-justified by a "Soviet threat" that was exaggerated just
enough to mobilize the people for war.

Vietnam, however, proved to be a sobering experience, in which the
American public, over a period of several years, began to see through
the lies that had been told to justify all that bloodshed. The United
States was forced to withdraw from Vietnam, and the world didn't come
to an end. One half of one tiny country in Southeast Asia was now
joined to its communist other half, and 58,000 American lives and
millions of Vietnamese lives had been expended to prevent that. A
majority of Americans had come to oppose that war, which had provoked
the largest anti-war movement in the nation's history.

The war in Vietnam ended with a public fed up with war. I believe
that the American people, once the fog of propaganda had dissipated,
had come back to a more natural state. Public opinion polls showed
that people in the United States were opposed to send troops
anywhere in the world, for any reason.

The Establishment was alarmed. The government set out deliberately to
overcome what it called "the Vietnam syndrome." Opposition to
military interventions abroad was a sickness, to be cured. And so
they would wean the American public away from its unhealthy
attitude, by tighter control of information, by avoiding a draft,
and by engaging in short, swift wars over weak opponents (Grenada,
Panama, Iraq), which didn't give the public time to develop an anti-
war movement.

I would argue that the end of the Vietnam War enabled the people of
the United States to shake the "war syndrome," a disease not natural
to the human body. But they could be infected once again, and
September 11 gave the government that opportunity. Terrorism became
the justification for war, but war is itself terrorism, breeding rage
and hate, as we are seeing now.

The war in Iraq has revealed the hypocrisy of the "war on terrorism."
And the government of the United States, indeed governments
everywhere, are becoming exposed as untrustworthy: that is, not to be
entrusted with the safety of human beings, or the safety of the
planet, or the guarding of its air, its water, its natural wealth, or
the curing of poverty and disease, or coping with the alarming growth
of natural disasters that plague so many of the six billion people on
Earth.

I don't believe that our government will be able to do once more what
it did after Vietnam-prepare the population for still another plunge
into violence and dishonor. It seems to me that when the war in Iraq
ends, and the war syndrome heals, that there will be a great
opportunity to make that healing permanent.

My hope is that the memory of death and disgrace will be so intense
that the people of the United States will be able to listen to a
message that the rest of the world, sobered by wars without end, can
also understand: that war itself is the enemy of the human race.

Governments will resist this message. But their power is dependent on
the obedience of the citizenry. When that is withdrawn, governments
are helpless. We have seen this again and again in history.

The abolition of war has become not only desirable but absolutely
necessary if the planet is to be saved. It is an idea whose time has
come.

*Howard Zinn is the co-author, with Anthony Arnove, of "Voices of a
People's History of the United States."

Being Good to Me

it is the last day of christmas vacation today, and i mostly spent it still cleaning up.

i only initially wanted to sort out and reorganize my old files and books, but one thing led to another, and before i realized it, the whole house was being cleaned! (you have to understand that i don't usually do the cleaning as the maid does the routine ones; when i do "cleaning", it means complete overhauling--sorting out, deciding which ones to keep and give away, rearranging, reorganizing... and all the while the same processes take place within me mentally, emotionally and psychically. so it becomes not only an active kind of meditation but even like an inner pilgrimage.)

i have other, "more important" things to do with my time and energies, but i hold them at bay. im also succeeding very well now at not indulging in self-bashing and guilt-tripping for slacking off from the "more important" things and attending to my inner and personal needs for cleaning in all ways instead.

off the cuff, here are the things i am supposed to have finished by today, as i should have worked on them during the two-week christmas vacation:

1. check students' papers and exams
2. update class records
3. compute Prelim grades
4. work on and finish my aunt's marketing project/blog stories on suppliers, promised due at around this time
5. work on and finish a friend and client's master plan project for the media network she's overseeing, promised due at around this time
6. write final output on an individual study began in 2001 yet
7. write final output on a group research on pop culture, promised due at around this time
8. translate two talks i have given into papers for publication
9. do my MA assignments in: International Human Rights and Humanitarian Law, Ethical and Religious Perspectives on Peace and Conflict, and Conflict History; all due weeks ago!

but, you know what, this christmas vacation, starting on dec. 19th when i also started preparing for christmas and got caught up in the holiday spirit, i simply decided id prioritize me and my needs for rest, enjoyment and relaxation this time, after having driven my self to produce and produce for others for most of my life.

i figured, work will always be there. and it will be done when it's absolutely time for me to work on them. but, i cannot afford to risk going on shortcircuit due to burnout anymore, not when im all i and my kids have got.

i have been sensing for a long time that if i don't do this now-- give to my self at last-- i will not have anything much to give to others for the long haul, at least not the kind of whole hearted giving i do, when even my most routine of work projects bear the stamp of my intense passion and love for the work itself.

i am 95% done with my cleaning project now, and i figure i can let the 5% go for another week, or delegate it to the maid. in a little while, i'll start on To Dos numbered 1, 2 and 3, with the rest to follow as they come up for "last deadline" status in the next two to three weeks.

im going slower, but surer now, taking care to treat my self gently and lovingly, and giving way to my periodic needs for rest before i can go on again, instead of pushing my self on overdrive like i used to before.

that is basically my only New Year's Resolution now-- to just be good to me at last.

Happy New Year!

the kids and i spent our new year differently this time-- with my sister, honey, and her husband, ping, and their kids at their farm. the initial idea was to have a quiet and "nonviolent" way of welcoming the new year, without our own fireworks, but just watching the city in fireworks below, but with kids around... well... ping couldn't resist! : )

we went there in the morning of dec. 31. the road to Brgy. Alangilan was smooth but from the barangay up to the farm, it was like riding in a moon buggy, with large stones and craters as obstacle course material. still, we had fun! we adults were getting groggy and nauseous but the little ones were tickled and giggled so, while the older ones didnt even notice as they were so engrossed in their multi-track conversations.

reaching the clearing of the farm itself, though, was well worth the wild ride. as it was on elevated terrain, the air was suddenly cool and fresh, and letting the kids out of the van was like letting long-held prisoners out of jail! : )

as we adults settled in, the kids had the run of the place. when they saw the home-made pool at the back of the house, they immediately stripped and changed into their bathing suits and dove. the littlest one, ella, just stripped naked and climbed down into the pool! : )

while the maid prepared lunch, honey went into the bedroom for a nap and ping had to go back to the city for business (he was to come back later in the evening with the generator and other stuff). i volunteered to watch the kids in the pool while i read. i laid the sleeping bag on a grassy spot and opened my book, even as i watched them from time to time.

after a while, the big girls suggested exploring the trees beyond the clearing and the two little boys jumped up to follow. i was left with bea and ella giggling and splashing about. after a while, i couldn't resist my self, changed into my bathing suit, too, and had fun with the little mermaids.

that's all we did, swam, or walked around, or climbed up the mezzanine floor to watch the whole city below, then ate, then went back to what we were doing, then ate, then did other things instead, then ate. i was careful to stick to my newfound resolution in "reveling in my perfect weight" though... : )

in the afternoon, the little ones had fun running around chasing a chicken. the boys then went into a clearing to follow a goat, and came back with redd retching from some leaf stuck in his throat. apparently, the boys tried to eat what the goat was eating too.

in the evening, ping came back with a bang. he rode into the clearing "shooting" fireworks all over the place with the toy gun he was holding. all the kids, especially the two boys, ran to him and begged to play with the fireworks immediately, even as dinner was spread out in the candlelight, and ping said he wanted to get the generator going first.

well, anyway, somehow, everything got done at the same time-- the generator got going, even as the boys now started shooting their own toy guns. then we had dinner together, after which, the girls retreated into the bedroom to rest (thea slept, having stayed the whole night up the night before working on her role play sites stuff on the net) while the little ones jumped back into the pool for a night swimming session.

while waiting for midnight, thea, bea and i somehow fell asleep in the bedroom, along with ella, while the others set up a bonfire outside and toasted marshmallows and hotdogs.

we were awakened by Tarzan's (ping) wild cry, with the copycat howls of redd and paolo following close behind. it was 12 o'clock midnight, already!!! : )

and then, ping let out his secret stash of more and grander fireworks and the kids were beside themselves with the loot, even as honey and i just watched them having fun, and the resplendent glory and earthshaking sounds of the fireworks going off in the sky from our otherwise quiet spot and the city down below.

Tarzan howled again with a Happy New Yeaaaaaarrrrr!!! and the little monkeys followed suit, too. we burst out laughing when a far-away voice from somewhere answered, Happy New Yeaaaaaarrrrr!!! back. : ) : ) : )

everyone, except Thea (who was still sound asleep) and i, had midnight snack and slept at around 3am already.

we woke up to January 1, 2006, full of good feelings and warmth and joy. what a wonderful way to start the year off!

that's my sister's and her hubby's farmhouse behind me 

that's the entire city behind and below me  

bea (in orange) and cousin, ella, with shark friend 

thea at farm grounds 

kids in farm pool 1 

kids in farm pool 2 

Another Reason to Avoid TV

i stopped watching tv around 5 years ago, and ive been happier since then.

first, i stopped watching by default, because the ex hogged the tv and the sofa and i didn't like the programs he was watching. then, our eldest grew old enough to wrestle the remote control away from her father when she could, so that doubled my competition. for peace and love, i turned to reading and rereading my collection of books instead, and writing down my thoughts alone in the bedroom. i never knew that was a blessing in disguise.

i gradually learned what a bunch of drivel we're all fed when we watch tv, especially when we watch tv too much. little by little, you give away your own power over your own mind, what thoughts to think, because tv thinks for you, and feeds you ideas in a way that lulls you into acquiescence, because of the lack of true human interaction and discourse.

but here's another reason not to watch tv which i came across just now in one of the free newsletters i subscribe to:

*****

For years, ETR has been trying to convince you to drastically limit the hours you spend watching TV. Not only does it waste time and lull your brain into a false sleep ... it is also slowly but surely eating away at your bank account.

The 2005 J.D. Power & Associates Residential Cable/Satellite TV Customer Satisfaction Survey reports that satellite subscribers pay an average of $57.72 a month and cable subscribers shell out an average of $58.51. That's about $700 a year squandered on mind-numbing, nattering drivel.

If you were to invest that money and get a 15% return, you'd have close to $7,000 in five years. Keep stowing that $700 away, and in 25 years you'd have close to $200,000! With that kind of money, you could buy a Ferrari F430 Spider, pay off your child's med school loans, or enjoy a much more comfortable retirement.

- Suzanne Richardson

*****

nice food for thought, huh, but it still doesn't beat reclaiming your own mind from the clutches of mass-produced mindlessness.

blessings flow

ive just finished my cleaning, filing and organizing, and i texted my sister to ask if her daughter would like my old collection of Nancy Drew and Sweet Valley High books which id like to give away. she promptly texted back to say that Aia would love it, as much as Aia and her two other siblings loved the gifts i gave them last Christmas. my sister had a sweet way of describing what i did, of all the gifts they received, they loved yours best. you know their heart.

my heart further warmed to that, doubling my joy from just giving freely and with as much thought and care as i could. i feel blessed knowing i made my nieces and nephew really happy with their gifts.

***

and then, my aunt's secretary in cebu called me to say that my aunt, who's based in new jersey, but who has her export company in cebu, is sending each of us (including the kids) 500 bucks (10 dollars) each as Christmas gifts, through my bank account.

sure, it isn't much, but it's still a happy and surprise blessing. where i live, that's already worth a 2-hour spa massage session and a really rich and frothy cappuccino afterwards! : )

***

thank You, God, for these blessings too!

Ray Bradbury Revisited

what's taking me so long to sift through my old files and books and rearrange them is that not only do i wipe each file, each book, lovingly, i open most of them and browse through old notes to my self, old underlined words, and remember who i was then, what i was thinking about, and how they have brought me to who i am, where i am now.

right now, i am taking my nth break from my "work" to digest things, even as i think about what i want to do next for the coming year.

right now, i am feeling quite glum for not making it to the two writing contests i applied to and was so excited about a few months ago (i just learned of the results today when i Google-searched for them again for the nth time, too), but i also feel the building up of a steel resolve to do better, to study my craft better, even get into the only national writing workshop for children's lit here by preparing for it well, and continue writing my stories anyway and telling my truth, win or no win in contests.

ive just come across an old beloved book by Ray Bradbury, Zen in The Art of Writing, and an old unsent letter to Mr. Bradbury falls out from the pages. it was from me at 26, wife, young mother, businessperson... but oh so lost about who she was then and slowly dying inside. i remember now how this book made me secretly cry copious tears, even as it slowly healed me and encouraged me to pick up my pen again, even if only by writing in my diaries, and find my own voice again, and write my way through my life again.

it has been 11 years since then. ive not only made a shift in my life's work from business to education, where i can be closer to books and writing, but have even made a part-time freelance career out of my writing, become a fellow to two national writing workshops, won a national writing award for my first children's story, and had my first book published to critical acclaim. the best thing, always, is people coming up to me and telling me how my writing has touched them in some way.

so i shouldnt feel so glum, but i still do. i guess there is the thought at the back of my mind that im not good enough for more, that maybe this is the end, that i shouldnt even dream about making writing my life's work (how dare i?), that even if i loved writing with a passion, writing may not love me back similarly... : (

picking up Bradbury's book again, erased all those doubts away, though, and renewed me.

here are now some excerpts from the book, which i not only underlined in red, but marked with a star even, to remind me of my deepest loves and passions--literature, writing, living, a constant wondrous inquiring into life and human nature...

- Stay alive! Yell. Jump. Play. Out-run those sons-of-bitches. They'll never live the way you live. Go do it.

- Not to write, for many of us, is to die. ... What would happen is that the world would catch up with and try to sicken you. If you did not write every day, the poisons would accumulate and you would begin to die, or act crazy, or both. You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

- If you are writing without zest, without gusto, without love, without fun, you are only half a writer. It means you are so busy keeping one eye on the commercial market, or one ear peeled for the avant-garde coterie, that you are not being your self.

- Do not, for money, turn away from all the stuff you have collected in a lifetime. Do not, for the vanity of intellectual publications, turn away from what you are-- the material within you which makes you individual, and therefore, indispensable to others.

- To fail is to give up. But you are in the midst of a moving process. Nothing fails then. All goes on. Work is done. If good, you learn from it. If bad, you learn even more. Work done and behind you is a lesson to be studied. There is no failure unless one stops. Not to work is to cease, tighten up, become nervous, and therefore, destructive of the creative process. We are working not for work's sake. What we are trying to do is find a way to release the truth that lies in all of us.

- How does one get lost? Through incorrect aims... Through wanting literary fame too quickly. From wanting money too soon. If only we could remember, fame and money are gifts given us only after we have gifted the world with our best, our lonely, our individual truths. Now we must build a better mousetrap, heedless if a path is being beaten to our door.

- What do you think of the world? You, the prism, measure the light of the world; it burns through your mind to throw a different spectroscopic reading onto white paper than anyones else can throw. Let the world burn through you. Throw the prism light, white hot, on paper. Make your own individual spectroscopic reading.

- Go dig the Troy in you!

thank you again, Ray, for reminding me of what i am about.

and so, i will continue to write even more, and write even better, this time.

The Passion

i heard about it and all its rave reviews but i never got to watch it when it was shown in all local theatres here more than a year ago. i was happy to find a vcd version of it, though, when we were at the local home movies shop a week ago, and i promptly borrowed it.

i didn't know what was coming when i asked Thea to play it for me yesterday early morning. it was just the last vcd we haven't watched yet, but the timing couldn't have been more right. watching The Passion of the Christ only made me see clearly what the life of Christ, and especially his birth at Christmas, was all about -- Love one another as I love you. that is all.

i cried so hard from watching the film, but it was a good kind of cry, the healing kind. i cried so hard i feel like all vestiges of whatever hurt and pain i still harbor from the unkindness of people in my past has all been washed clean.

the door to the past is finally closed, for good, and i am finally healed, whole.

the right thing

i think i did the right thing by prioritizing the kids' Santa wish list items over housing loan mortgage arrears payments (sigh... this one's another blog to write about...!).

i arrived home from gift shopping for them late last night, and i think little Bea must have somehow wondered whether there was something special in the car (of course i hid the gifts in the trunk : >), because right after i went into the bedroom, i heard the car door close again, and i found her running from the car into the house and going directly to the Christmas tree, looking at the gifts under the tree again (these are assorted gifts from friends and relatives), gazed at the ones addressed to her, stroked them, hugged them, then re-arranged them more neatly under the tree.

then she went to the pc and clicked on the calculator function. apparently, she was trying to compute how many days more it would take before Christmas, as she asked Thea when Christmas would be and what date it was yesterday. : )

then, satisfied for the moment, she went back to watching tv.

***

the most "painful" part of my shopping yesterday was deliberating on whether to go ahead with purchasing the learning laptop Bea really wanted (Barbie, which cost 6k), or just any of the other China-made learning laptops, which cost one third of the Barbie laptop.

common sense would dictate that i purchase the cheaper ones; they still meet the requirements in her list-- a laptop-- didn't it?

but heart sense felt violated at the idea.

i remembered how it was when i was her age, hoping and wishing and praying for some particular item in my Santa list, and getting something like it on Christmas day, but not really the color/style/form i wanted. through a few more Christmases like that, i learned how to settle for less, for what's available, instead of staying close to my heart and going for my heart's desires, keeping passion for life alive. i remembered how, for most of my growing up years, i felt much older and wearier than i am now, simply because i almost forgot about my heart and its true desires, in favor of what was sensible and logical and rational and economic and efficient. : ( ... and i remembered how, for a long long time now, Christmas has been almost like a tiresome chore to tolerate and get done and over with. no wonder.

so i closed my eyes and stood by my self at a quiet corner of the toy store for a few minutes, and reflected on my decision. the Barbie laptop that Bea has been daily praying for and checking out for and hoping for, or the cheaper generic laptop which was more favorable to my budget?

the thought that i could be dampening my little girl's young heart and maiming her spirit by making her settle for less clinched it for me; i couldn't do that!!!

and so i bought her the Barbie laptop.

the saleslady who tested it for me had so much fun playing with it, i knew i did the right thing. i could already see Bea's eyes light up when she opens her gift on Christmas morning, and feel her heart soar, for heart and soul desires fulfilled, even when appearances seemed to go against its fulfillment.

the gift is as much for Bea as it is for me, an affirmation of faith in the goodness of life and the Universe and God, and miracles, and dreams coming true.

The X

while turning a corner on the drive home last night, another car appeared to want to turn in the direction i was going, too, but hesitated and paused... so i let it go ahead. i only found out a moment later, while i was following it and my headlights beamed on its plate number, that it was the ex's car.

i was bemused by the situation and i just watched what would happen next. the occupants in the other car seemed excited, though. i saw the ex's head rear up and i guess he must have sat up straighter, as his head actually showed over the head rest (he is not a very tall man). the other occupant, a woman, seemed all agog turning her head this way and that, then turning to look at my car. although there's nothing to see-- my car is tinted.

i couldnt make out their faces and expressions either, as they appeared to me in silhouette; i could only make out their agitated movements.

why would they be agitated, i wondered? we're both free now, with the annulment. they can do whatever they pleased. if that was the gf, i even hear they're planning to marry next year. but, the way they acted, looked guilty to me. and i just sat there amused.

when i first heard the news of their planned marriage a week ago (the ex bragged to the maid as he came to pick up the kids, and the maid told me. he said childishly, i have a house now... duh!), i felt a pang somewhere deep inside. was it jealousy?

not of the other woman; people tell me she's nothing close to me. my sister was actually blunt about it: she's ugly, manang. : )

but still, jealousy, yes... in the sense that he seems to be moving on in that department, while i still have years to go. but in my heart, i wish him well, and i wish her good luck. : )

still, just before i woke up this morning, i dreamt of the ex. he was in a training seminar i was in, too, and people were talking about us, about how we used to be married to each other. i just took it calmly, going about my way nonchalantly but he seemed overly disturbed.

as i turned a corner to go to another room, he blocked my way and confronted me, and started blaming me again for the past, for leaving him, but which i coolly ignored. that must have infuriated him further as he now started talking abusively to me, calling me names and insulting me. even in that dream, his anger at me was palpable. but all i remember thinking was that, my god, he's still hurting after all these years, poor guy, so trapped in the past.

finally, when his abuse was getting loud and obnoxious, i challenged him to a fistfight to settle it once and for all. i took on my basic aikido stance (the only stance i learned... heehee... as i only had one session of aikido), and prepared my self to take him on.

instead, though, he tried to kick me, but i was able to adeptly cut his kick with my hand and twist his leg so, he groaned in pain.

people gathered around us and i could tell he was dying from shame. i only calmly told him, nobody abuses me anymore and gets away with it.

and then i woke up.

All Set

the kids and i are all set for the christmas holidays.

the house has been cleaned (i only have to re-arrange my books in the shelves), the tree has been up since october, my classes have ended while theirs are winding down by early next week, i have received my whole month's pay for december as well as my 13th month bonus, and i have drawn up my budget to last us through the middle of next month, at the very least. i even have the budget for gifts all drawn up, too (i hope i will be able to stick to it and not get swayed by the holiday frenzy again...; i have a strategy planned even for that, to do my christmas shopping when the malls open and there are still very few customers around) : )

i only accepted invitations to attend three parties, though-- the ones where the people are really my closest friends or students. the rest, i declined.

i like to spend my holidays quietly, reflectively. i will be re-arranging my book shelves tomorrow, even as ive already started reading two books simultaneously. the kids and i just got in from the mall, where i treated them to an early dinner, and then we spent our time browsing for vcds we could borrow over the holidays. i have my own set of movies to watch, too, movies i never got to see at the cinema as i had no one to watch them with, but which i can now watch happily in the privacy of our own home.

im busy handwriting on my diary again, even as i make plans and revise my timetables and budgets for the coming year and years...

it's only been our fourth christmas since the sep three and a half years ago (and my first christmas as a legally free woman again! : >), but the kids and i are back on our feet again, by God's grace and the love and generosity of friends, family and even strangers.

life is good again, thank you God!

we know it can only get better! : D

Accident

it's been 4 days already since i witnessed that early morning road accident while driving bea to school last friday, but i guess i am still reeling from the shock of it all.

on the surface, i go about my days, seemingly the same, but inside, something shifted for me.

right after the bridge along the circumferential highway on the way to bea's school, we passed by a navy blue toyota lancer rammed into the back of a sugarcane hauling truck. no wonder there was a long line of cars already at 8am on this normally wide and open highway.

when it was my turn to go around the road mess, the image of the front of the car, left-half twisted, top right-half ripped off, sent chills down my spine. whoever was driving it and riding in it too couldnt have survived that impact. i said a little prayer for the souls of whoever was in it, whether they died or are still alive.

three hours later, on our way home from bea's school and with the noonday sun bearing its heat and glare on the highway, i slowed when we approached the accident site, and mentally said a little prayer again... but this time, when i turned to look at the exact place where the truck and the hapless car had been, the sight of broken glass all over and a torn shirt caked with blood still on the middle of the road and against the brightness of high noon, shook me up more than the early morning sight had.

the first thought that came to my mind was whoever was in it mustve thought they'd still get to celebrate christmas this year. was the driver alone, or with passengers? was the driver a single parent, too, like me, with three young kids at the back? or was the driver a younger person, probably rushing home from a late late night party, but rushing to his doom instead?

whoever they were, the one thing that remained with me was how fragile and fleeting life truly is. and the next thought that came to my mind was that how stupid and useless it is when we waste it on petty quarrels and smallmindedness and meanness, when it could be so much more given its fragility and fleetingness....

and then i thought how i must still be wasting it with my negative self-talk, too, when things don't go my way, and i blame my self for them, even when ive done all i know how and the best i could.

so that has been my struggle these days, especially the last 4 ones-- being more conscious of my negative self-talk going inside my head and learning how to gently and lovingly deal with it, even as i try to move on now to higher ground...

and because of this increased awareness and alertness to negativity from both inside my head and outside me, i am seeing more and more how most people and the media and the world in general are basically stuck at the level of complaining and negativity and unlovingness...

that's why ive been so quiet, too. suddenly, i am feeling like i am in this world yet not a part of it anymore.

My Anthea

my eldest, Thea, had a call from a classmate and a friend the other night. apparently, this friend wanted her to do a long homework for her, as we had Internet access and the friend did not.

i overheard Thea speaking to her gently but firmly on the phone to check out other sources instead (like books, duh) or ask her older siblings or parents about it, or even come to the house to use our pc and net connection. apparently, the friend insisted that Thea does it for her, putting on peer pressure. and Thea said, "no, sorry."

the friend even had the gall to ask her why.

and all Thea said was, "because i am not like that."

and then she hung up.

: )

Soul Food

i just came in from a colleague's book launch. this is his first book of poetry published.

my classes ended at 3pm but the book launch was at 5pm yet and i had to take the two older kids home. as what usually happens, when i've arrived home i don't want to go out anymore, and i was almost tempted to do this for the book launch.

but then i remembered my own first book launch two years ago and how much it meant to me to see likeminded friends who share my love for literature be there for me too, and i didn't want this colleague to feel any less than he should on his first book launch.

then, too, i figured that this was a good way to learn more about my craft; i thought the stories i submitted to NCCA and PBBY were already very good, and that if there's something to improve, it would be craftwise. so i decided to go back to school at quarter to five this afternoon to learn more about my craft anyway.

i am glad i did.

the poetry reading parts of the programme did it for me.

as soon as the readers started, i closed my eyes and just listened to the words call out to me, flow over me, no matter if the readers were inexperienced and awkward at some parts. for some brief but precious seconds, time stopped for me, as the words and i made love.... in some parts i got teary eyed, in other parts i embraced my self in recognition and joy. it must have lasted for some five to ten minutes but it felt like forever to me.

when i opened my eyes, i saw this guy to my right looking at me amusedly so i just humored him and smiled. he doesnt know the ecstasies ive just been to. : )

i am soooo much better now. yes, im still walking around sniffling and feverish and with a throbbing headache from this flu ive been carrying around for almost four days already, but in those timeless five to ten minutes, my blues were gone!

what a fine way to end the week, and an even finer way to start a full 11 days of no work (!) in the middle of Prelims, just because our university is hosting the 23rd SEA Games too!

thank God for literature. thank God for soul food.

Email to Me, for 2025

i just sent this email to my self via Forbes' Email Time Capsule... anything to get out of this funk i'm in. : (

Hello, Jeanette at 57!

How are you today? How are the kids? Thea should be 32 by now, Paolo, 27, and Bea, 25. You should be finally free to live your own life again now, without the little ones tugging at your skirt. : ) Do you like it? Do you like your life even better now?

How have you become? Have you become just older, wisened but broken, bowed, defeated by life's simply happening? Or are you the woman I envision you to be-- a better, finer, wiser, kinder, gentler, sassier, sexier version of me right now? : ) Somebody with even more grace and fire, having hurdled life's challenges gracefully, with spunk, fun and spirit.

I hope to God you are in a much better place and have become a much better person than who I am right now.

My life is good now, having just resigned from the IDS Chair (still remember that?) and having gotten my annulment last June. I'm going for our dreams now, crafting and building our life one stitch, one block at a time.

But RIGHT NOW (as in RIGHT NOW, Nov. 25, 2005; 1:56 a.m.), I am just recovering from a really bad case of the flu and I've been feeling so down and low lately, as if our life is not amounting to much and I am nobody to anybody at all.

NCCA and PBBY haven't responded to my entries; even a courtesy rejection letter would be appreciated. J is perfect, but oh so far away and cannot yet be ours. A nice man from far away who's been courting for months and who's supposed to be here in Bacolod now has suddenly become mum and unheard from, even...

From the biggest dreams and desires of our heart to the littlest pleasant curiosities-- I feel like I am being blocked in some way. My dreams for you and I are there, I can see them, and yet, they are out of reach.

Our horoscopes say it's just Mercury and Saturn retrogade. I think it is, too. Because we're not normally in this kind of funk; and even if we were, we're not normally this vulnerable, are we?

One good thing, though: this downtime has forced me to do some soulsearching, and a lot of handwriting and visioning and planning on my journal again (no, not the blogs). I discovered, to my pleasant surprise, that the coming year will be the starting year when we can finally pay off the last of our debts from the marriage, and generate savings from all my income streams so far, at last.

I call 2006 our Year of Surplus. : ) Isn't that great, to be out of survival mode at last, and to be rolling on one's way to one's dreams again? : )

How are you at 57, Jeanette?

Have you become the internationally-known, bestselling, and well-loved author that I've always dreamed for us to be? : )

Is J still with you; are you together now? : ) : ) He is soooo good to us, sooo good for us, isn't he?

How are all the worldwide travels? Have you done your stint with the UN or UNESCO yet, or have they ceased to exist, because the world where you are now has become a happier, more peaceful place at last? : ) : ) : )

Do tell me, tell me, Jeanette at 57. I need the hope of you in a better, nicer, much happier place to comfort me right now. I need the hope of us triumphing over life's struggles... and even life's blahs.

Please tell me, Jeanette at 57. I will stay open, and look out for your signs.

Until then, keep well, and many blessings!

Your former me,
Jeanette at 37

Is the "War on Terror" a Just War?

i rarely wax political, but this is what i've been busy with for the past few weeks now, my MA studies in Conflict and Reconciliation. 'thought to share a paper i recently did here, as it's an issue that actually goes beyond political and challenges the very foundations of how we live today--

The War on Terror/Terrorism

International terrorism has long existed before Sept. 11, 2001, and has, in fact, been documented by the U. S. Department of Defense since the beginning of the 1960s (U.S. Army, 09/09/04), but the scale and impact of Sept. 11, 2001 has prompted the U.S. Government, through its President, George W. Bush, Jr., to officially declare a “War on Terror” after the attack.

With the mastermind and financier of the Sept. 11 attack identified as Usama Bin Ladin and his al Queda group of Islamic extremists, the U.S. launched an attack on Afghanistan, believed to be the hideout of Bin Ladin, on Oct. 7, 2001 (9/11 Commission Report Executive Summary, 07/04). A year later, the ruling Taliban government of Afghanistan has been toppled and replaced by the U.S.- supported Northern Alliance, but Bin Ladin hasn’t been caught.

A year after Sept. 11, President Bush, with the support of U. K. Prime Minister Tony Blair, pushed for a pre-emptive war against Iraq, on the grounds of suspicion that Iraq was heavily building up weapons of mass destruction, and that if not stopped pre-emptively, could hand over these weapons of mass destruction to Bin Ladin and his terrorist group (Falk, 09/27/02). Today, Iraq’s leader, Saddam Hussein, is in jail, a U.S.-supported government is in place in Iraq, but Bin Ladin still hasn’t been found or caught.

The U.S. Defense Department reports that it has foiled many other terrorist attacks since then, because of the joint cooperation of nations in sharing intelligence information across borders. It says that this international cooperation has led to the hundreds of arrests in more than 50 countries and the detaining of around 1,100 people in the U.S., mostly of Middle Eastern origins, for immigration offenses. (BBC News, 03/04/03).

Meanwhile, issues of concern arise, which mainly spring from President Bush’s using the state of war to justify the introduction of new legislation that widens his power and strengthens law enforcement, which includes, among many—the creation of military tribunals to try suspected terrorists who are not U.S. citizens, the expansion of powers of law enforcement agencies to detain people without trial on immigration violations or on grounds that they may be material witnesses in terrorism trials, and the tightening on the release of information to the public on ongoing investigations. It also includes the power to indefinitely imprison alleged Taliban and al Qaeda fighters at the military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, especially those who have never taken up arms against the United States. Detainees seized in Britain, Bosnia and Zambia are among those indefinitely imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay, at present (Leonnig, 12/02/04).

There is no deadline on the “War on Terror” and its boundaries are unlimited. President Bush has explicitly announced that his war on terrorism will not end until "every terrorist group of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated". (BBC News, op. cit.)

The Just War Theory

The Just War Theory evolved from the recognition that although there are ideal values to uphold, the realities of the real world as it is have to be contended with, too, and that there are times when it might be necessary to resort to violence to defend or pursue that which is good and valued. The thirteenth-century theologian, Thomas Aquinas, developed and refined the theory, by laying down three conditions for waging war:

1. that the decision to wage war should be made by a legitimate authority;

2. that war should be waged for a just cause; and

3. that combatants should resort to war with right intention, for the purpose of achieving peace and justice, not revenge.

Later on, other considerations were added by other scholars:

4. that the evils of war should be proportionate to the injustice to be prevented or remedied by war;

5. that the resort to war should be a last resort; and

6. there must be a reasonable hope of success. (Rigby, Coventry University)

Relevancy

In the light of the foregoing discussion on The War on Terror and the Just War Theory, let us examine whether the Just War Theory is relevant to justify the War on Terror:

1. The decision to wage war should be made by a legitimate authority. According to U.S. and international laws, the decision to wage war must be ratified by Congress.

The attack on Afghanistan appears to be a military sanction authorized by the U. S. President, allegedly to flush out Bin Ladin, but with the effect of toppling the Taliban and installing the Northern Alliance, without finding or capturing Bin Ladin. No Congress resolution can be found on the net authorizing the attack on Afghanistan, but then, this was a time when the “War on Terror” was not publicly bandied about yet.

The attack on Iraq was officially authorized by the U. S. Congress (Joint Resolution to Authorize the Use of United States Armed Forces Against Iraq, 10/10/02), albeit after much debate both in and out of Congress. There is even debate now on what, exactly, the U.S. Congress specifically authorized, as the resolution appears couched in vague and inaccurate terms. For example, the October 2002 joint resolution authorized the use of force in Iraq, but it did not directly mention the removal of Hussein from power. (Milbank and Pincus, 11/12/2005)

2. The war should be waged for a just cause. According to Falk (8/27/02), in international law, a "just cause" for war can only be made under the following conditions--

To go legitimately to war in the world that currently exists can be based on three types of considerations: international law (self-defense as set forth in article 51, backed by a UN mandate as in the Gulf War), international morality (humanitarian intervention to prevent genocide or ethnic cleansing; i wonder now why the U.S. or any other super power didn't take advantage of this to wage war on the perpetrators of the genocide in Rwanda in the mid-90s, the genocide that killed around 800,000 people in just 3 months!), and necessity (the survival and fundamental interests of a state are genuinely threatened and not really covered by international law, as arguably justified the Afghanistan War).

Still according to Falk, too,--

With respect to Iraq, there is no pretense that international law supports such a war and little claim that the brutality of the Iraqi regime creates a foundation for humanitarian intervention. The Administration argument for war rests on necessity, the alleged risk posed by Iraqi acquisition of weapons of mass destruction, and the prospect that such weapons would be made available to al Qaeda for future use against the United States.

Therefore, President Bush’s “just cause” for The War on Terror, is, at best, dubious, essentially based on scanty proof (Falk, 9/27/02) that indeed, weapons of mass destruction exist in Iraq and that they will be used on the United States soon or late.

3. Combatants should resort to war with right intention, for the purpose of achieving peace and justice, not revenge.

This is still open to a lot of debate. What is right intention? What is the concept of peace and justice for the U. S., and what is it for Iraq? Is forcibly waging war on a country already economically and socially ravaged by more than ten years of U. N. punitive sanctions, on mere suspicion that it might contain weapons to attack you someday, just? Will that lead to peace? What kind of peace?

4. The evils of war should be proportionate to the injustice to be prevented or remedied by war.

Has the U.S. Congress even stopped to cautiously weigh this? Has it considered the human, social, cultural and economic costs of war in Iraq (not to mention Afghanistan) against the foreseen advantages of finding out if indeed, there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and if so, annihilating these weapons? What about the weapons of mass destruction presumably developed and stored elsewhere in the world, including the U.S.? Will not that, and the costs of war in Iraq, still cancel any foreseen advantages from destroying those in Iraq?

5. The resort to war should be a last resort.

It appears now, that the move to declare war on Iraq was hasty, and, on hindsight, even unjustified (because there were no substantial enough weapons of mass destruction found). The twin methods of deterrence and containment, which worked so well to contain a former super power like Russia, has not even been fully maximized with a small country like Iraq, which has already been ravaged by a decade of U.N. economic punitive sanctions, even.

6. There must be a reasonable hope of success.

Obviously, on hindsight, the war on Iraq was successful in the sense that it was able to topple Saddam Hussein when the U.S. only sought to find and destroy weapons of mass destruction, which it never was able to accomplish, as it did not find any.

However, the War on Terror still continues, apparently, because of President’s Bush’s pronouncements and what is actually happening in anti-terrorist operations all over the world.

Conclusion

The Just War Theory is still as relevant today in evaluating whether The War on Terror justifies itself, because it still springs from the same dilemma faced today—the tension between universal and global humane ideals and the demands of real global situations.

Examining The War on Terror against the light of the criteria of The Just War Theory, in fact, serves to illuminate the fact that The War on Terror is not a just war at all, and that its employed means dramatically highlight and make suspect its avowed ends of “ending terrorism all over the world” to achieve global peace, presumably. It points to other, more selfish suspicious ends, like global dominance at the cost of true peace and justice, instead.

The War on Terror has, in fact, not only been examined under the constraints of The Just War Theory in this paper, but even the constraints of international laws, and it fails both sets of criteria in more ways than it satisfies them.

References

MA-CRS 2005-06 Course Pack CD

Falk, Richard. “War on Iraq – Not The President’s Decision”. Sept. 27, 2002. (refer also to: www.transcend.org articles)

___________. “Impending Constitutional Crisis: The Rush to War”. August 27, 2002. ( refer also to: www.transcend.org articles)

Rigby, Andrew. “Forgiveness, Reconciliation and Justice”. Coventry University.

Internet Sources

“Joint Resolution to Authorize the Use of United States Armed Forces Against Iraq”. Oct. 2, 2002. www.whitehouse.gov/new/releases/2002/10/20021002-2.html

9/11 Commission Report. Nov. 20, 2005. America’s War Against Terrorism. July 22, 2004. University of Michigan Documents Center. http://www.lib.umich.edu/govdocs/usterror.html

BBC News. Nov. 20, 2005. “Investigating al-Qaeda: An Overview”. March 4, 2003. http://new.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/2816381.stm

Leonnig, Carol D. Nov. 20, 2005. “Judge Questions Sweep of Bush’s War on Terrorism”, Washingtonpost.com. Dec. 2, 2004. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A26448-2004Dec1.html

Milbank, Dana and Pincus, Walter. Nov. 20, 2005. “Asterisks Dot White House’s Iraq Agreement”. Nov. 12, 2005.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/11/11/AR2005111101832.html

U.S. Army. Nov. 20, 2005. “Timeline of Terrorism”. Sept. 9, 2004. http://www.army.mil/terrorism/

Happy Birthday, Blog

around this time last year-- well, five days ago, to be exact, this time last year-- i started blogging, and i started with this blog.

i look at my entries then, and i remember things id rather choose to forget, even as i also remember things i never even knew i wrote or happened.

i see me, still with the same openness (too open, sometimes, to the point of indiscrimination) and candor (too candid, even, to the point of bluntness)... and at some parts i cringe at who i was then, what i've written, while at other parts i smile and shake my head in amusement.

what i most sense between then and now though... is the change in tone. there seems to be less coarseness, less roughness, less bleeding over, less pain, in how i write now, than how i wrote a year ago. there's also less bravado, more depth and insight; less showing off and bragging, more discretion and tasteful honesty. like ive moved from being Sally Jesse Raphael or Roseann Barr to Oprah. teehee.

a year ago, too, i only had this blog; now there's four (make that five, if we include my Friendster blog, which is actually just an echo of any of the other four, at any one time)! these offspring of blogs seemed to naturally gestate, be born and grow even as i gestated new births, birthed and grown my self too-- as a woman, as a writer, and as soul and spirit. ive been blogging so much now, i have few and far-between entries in my handwritten journal now.

happy birthday, blog.
happy birthday, dear heart.

So Now I'm A Metrospiritual

i just read this article from one of the Belief.net newsletters i subscribe to, and it pleasantly jolted me to find out that, at last, i finally fit in some kind of box! [... although i must say, it is a box with customized boundaries.. : ) ]

it says that metrospirituals are "the kinder, gentler post-Yuppies who want to treat the earth and native cultures with respect, connect with their inner source and inspiration, test their bodies and expand their minds with ancient physical practices—and do it all with serious style."

it also says that a key hallmark of metrospirituals are "learning, openness, and exploration", which i've just always thought is what life is all about. (isn't it? : O)

although my first reaction was pleasant and amused surprise, on a deeper level, i find that i don't really like the term.

first, it sounds faddish, as if it's just a trend that won't last, as trends always do.

second, well, the article gently pokes fun at this kind of belief and lifestyle: of being true to your self, of being one with your core, with nature. yes, it is fun, but it is not funny at all.

third, i don't like the very sound of it-- "METRO SPIRITUAL"-- kind of oxymoronish; i think "spiritual metro" sounds better and describes this whole thing more accurately : >

then, too, the very act of naming it is boxing it, which is what the whole belief and lifestyle isn't about.

... for me, it's just living life from one's mind, heart and soul, as a centered and integrated whole.

i don't see anything "metro" about that. not even the fact that i share the box with Uma Thurman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Angelina Jolie, Leo di Caprio and Richard Gere.