this morning's victory log

been up since 3am, and spent the whole time from then to 6am on my manifesting readings and studies, contributing to fora, updating my blogs, and meditating.

then, it was an hour's flurry of bringing the two older kids to school.

then from 9am till now--

1. finished my individual annual performance report for submission;
2. wrote a reply letter to the mortgage company telling them im updating my year's arrears in 3 months' time, from april to june, from my peace journalism project honoraria;
3. prepared the second production order for this year for The Butterfly Source even as i updated personal and business emails;

next on the list for today--

1. updating my classes' records and grades and getting ready for end-of-the-schoolyear grades submission in 2 weeks;
2. adding posts to FCQ World.

all the time, ive been listening to my guided audio meditation mp3's on the headphones and although im feeling sleepy, my mind is still abuzz with productivity and creativity! : )

it's only noon, but ive put in what would be some people's full day's work already!

hugs to me. mmmmmmmmm.

Mama, again

she never ceases to amaze.

she's been down lately, what after two hospital stays in january, for pneumonia and then heart arrhythmia... after almost a year of 3x a week dialysis treatments, and before that, a triple-heart bypass, and before that a stage-4 breast cancer diagnosis, which she has all survived with spine, spirit and song!

but then just a few days ago, i hear from her again after i emailed about how she was and she tells me this--

I will have my scooter arrive tomorrow. Actually it  will be used mainly
when I go out. You see, I get short of breath after about 100 feet. It is
for going out to the grocery stores and the mall. Actually, I am so
excited to have this. Yet, the insurance will pay for it. I have lost
about 25 lbs. now. I feel good....the way I look. I wish you can see me in
it.

ooh, i so love the way she calls her electric wheelchair her "scooter"! it says a lot about who she is and what she's made of -- indomitable spirit and fun and good cheer, despite and inspite of whatever life may bring her way!

how can you beat that, huh? : ) : ) : )

i am sooo proud of Mama, and prouder still when people say i take after her. : D

text, context, subtext

we finished our lesson on cultural analysis using the tools of text, context and subtext analysis today with my students' presenting their output on their group workshop of 50 Cent's rap song, "In Da Club".

as always happens when real learning is taking place in the classroom, i learn from my own students' sharing and insights, too, and what started out as my own judgmental view of In Da Club's propagated values was transformed into a more compassionate view when two groups of students expounded on how rap music developed as the ghetto black community's counterculture response to prevailing pop culture in 1970s America, detailing their struggles and woes and the sh_t they have to live with day in and day out...

seeing that context now, i immediately saw the lyrics of the song in a more enlightened perspective; that what appeared superficially as bragging about being cool for having so much money and cars and women and casual sex and drugs, can actually mean some sort of a success from the context of ghetto life.

and it led me into quietly reflecting on how many of the misunderstandings and conflicts with other people we have in our lives can be traced to non- or mis-understanding of context (the historical, cultural and even production environment surrounding a text), and focusing only on the text (what is being said) and even the subtext (the implied meaning)...

hmmmm.... more food for thought to chew on as i go deeper in my peace studies, not only academically but personally.

i want the kind of peace i help create to be lived out, by me, day by day, and not just be some abstract theoretical concept or principle ive memorized from some book or lecture somewhere.

Gratitude vs. Grasping

ive been mulling about it lately, but it took an article in a free subscription email to clarify it for me, this state im in these days.

i was thinking how this still takes getting used to, being in this state of just being, trusting in Good and in things turning out for the good and in being taken care of no matter what happens... there are moments i catch my self actually missing the old days of being in a constant state of anxiety, worry, and even guilt for not doing enough, being enough (!).

it has not been easy; i had to do a lot of inner work, inner excavation and healing work mostly, and my going back to seriously meditating again has been both a big help and challenge. but it is all worth it, needless to say.

and then, this subscription email comes, talking about how manifesting abundance and good is all a matter of being in a state of gratitude or blessedness for having what one already has, or being in a state of grasping and needing, wanting what one does not have yet. it talked too, about how the Universal Law of Attraction works-- more gratitude, more blessings; more neediness, more lack.

amazing, huh.

i guess im on the right track now. still wobbly, baby steps, but on the right track now.

thank You, God/Universe, for guiding me, for bringing me to this good place at last!

my days

i am surprised that it has actually been a week since i last posted here! i thought it's only been for a day or two... my days these days seem to whiz by so fast in almost psychedelic colors! : )

***

ive mostly been concentrating on doing my part well for The Vagina Monologues, reading aloud over and over again until i memorized my lines, getting into my character, rehearshing with my group, then rehearsing with the entire cast.

it has paid off; last night was grand.

i asked my daughter, thea, whom i brought with me, to watch and critique me, as well as take our pictures. i asked her if i still looked like a lady, given the theme of the show; what she said warmed my heart, "you looked like a goddess, ma! you looked different from the rest, special, with your 50s hairdo and all, and you were so fair, your skin shone, all the rest looked funny with white foundationed faces but dark necks and shoulders. you looked like somebody special, too, as you were in both acts, and seated right in the center, while all the rest got transferred around... "

enough said. : ) i'll post the pictures here later, as soon as she has them transferred from the digicam to the computer.

***

ive been getting into the groove with my meditations at last, hitting a trotting pace, instead of the fumbling and stumbling and hit-or-miss sessions with my self ive been having for the past 4 weeks or so... somehow, i can finally see my way into this whole new world of discovering more of my mind and using them in special ways...

***

the peace journalism core group of three people (A, L and i) tasked to implement this recently approved grant project finally met formally last saturday, and made more specific plans for what we want to do when we start work on april 1.

we've recently received the formal communication from the grant funding agency informing us of our project's approval and asking me to make the first request for the funds for the first six months.

needless to say, A, L and i are very excited about this new endeavor and adventure!

***

i got a forwarded email from a USIP request for project proposals which got me excited. i have decided to submit one.

if my application gets approved, it means i can go to the US and do research for 10 months, with my kids with me too, and in washington, d.c., at that, on an $80,000 stipend!!!

we get to see mama and not worry her about supporting us during our stay there. that is the most wonderful benefit of all!

***

i just learned last saturday that a student i used to mentor, a young woman full of intelligence, heart and promise, suddenly died after being brought to the hospital for very high fever and diarrhea, because of allergic complications.

some part of me is still stunned.

...

800? 800?

bea goes around these days asking that silly-sounding question. sometimes it can become really irritating but we try to humor her.

she has just truly begun to comprehend the concept of numbers and their magnitude i guess, because last week she kept asking me--

18 plus 18 ma?
1800 plus 1800 ma?
is there a hundred hundred ma?

so now, every chance she gets, when she means something really big, or wide, or too much, or way out, or over the top, she looks at you with her big round eyes and says--

wowww, 800?
800, you mean it?
really, 800?

feed your mind well

1. wean yourself away from "traditional" news that highlight negativity, war, poverty, crime; those are not the kind of reality you want, are they?

2. to break a habit successfully, replace with a better habit; nature abhors a vacuum.

3. feed your mind well. you can start by checking these out--

a. happy news (and sign up to be a Citizen Journalist. i just did! : >)
b. peace journalism (watch out for what traditional journalists are feeding you and demand for better ways of reporting!)

we are growing more conscious of what we feed our bodies to stay healthy; we should even be more vigilant about what we feed our minds.

thoughts are things; what we keep thinking about, manifests.

today's successes

1. wrote and submitted Conflict Communication online assignment
2. shopped for the kids' and my favorite food at the wet market
3. wrote and submitted my long overdue Human Rights and International Humanitarian Law online assignment;
4. drafted the proposed sampler pack orders for Gaea (our newly-established family export company)
5. drafted the proposed initial inventory order for Gaea
6. contacted an artist to do the logo and mailing list flyer for Gaea
7. updated Magical Mind
8. (re) learned some new things at the ManifestLife.com forum
9. updating this blog now
11. working on my Religious and Ethical Perspectives in Peace and Conflict online assignment, and updating my classes' records next (yes, surprisingly, i still have lots of energies and focus left! that is the success part...)
12. went through the day just focused on doing what i had to do and doing them well, one at a time, without bashing my self any more for more things left undone; going on full throttle speed now!

hugs to me!!! : D yeyyyyyy!!!

wonderful day

i had a most wonderful day today, compared to yesterday, and all because before i slept last night, i decided i would not let yesterday's little episode get me down.

i woke up at 4am and went straight to studying for my Conflict Communication online assignment due this weekend. i was so focused and so engrossed, especially because of the little episode yesterday... and i found my readings very helpful, as i could actually see many ways for me to use what i have (re) learned about communicating amidst conflict, particularly as applied to yesterday's episode.

so i can see yesterday's episode in better perspective now, and can even find it within my self now to be compassionate about the other person, and not assign malicious intent to her for doing what she does. given this more magnanimous and "enlightened" state now, i can look on the little episode as being really what it is, a "little" episode indeed, with the gift of an opportunity for me to personally apply and see for my self what i have learned in peace work, and now, conflict communication.

by 9:30 a.m., paolo and i went to his taekwondo class at the mall, where i just dropped him off to proceed to my first cast meeting and script reading for The Vagina Monologues. i had an enriching and fun time there, meeting likeminded women and getting to do something different in my life, for a change.

we had a good reading, and we finished earlier than we intended, and i counted it as another blessing to have extra time in my day, which i usually don't get to have because of the many demands on my attention and energies. i used the extra little snippet of time to go to the public plaza to look for the photographer there who took thea's confirmation pictures a week ago. we were supposed to collect our pictures from him that afternoon of the confirmation, but after our vegan lunch with thea's confirmation godmothers, which extended down to almost 3pm, we forgot about collecting the pictures from the photographer at school. luckily he wrote his number on the receipt he gave us so i was able to track him down, call him up last night, and agreed to meet with him at his usual haunt at the public plaza.

i still had extra time left to fetch paolo, so i took my time driving and enjoying the ride. i practiced on my moan for The Vagina Monologues, trying out my kittenish moans in different ways. : )

when i got to the mall, i remembered another chore i put off doing last week, which is going to my optometrist to collect my new contact lenses and reading glasses. the extra precious time, doing things for my self, was bliss.

then, i met paolo at the arcade, where we agreed id pick him up. i went home to update Grace with Fire and had fun uploading the orchid pictures.

then, it was time to bring thea to her theatre club rehearsals, after which i went into my Conflict Communication MA class at the peace center. we spent the whole afternoon in very lively discussions and even came up with a class project we can do that would actually benefit our whole province for real.

when the class ended, my friend and the German consultant for the peace journalism project im involved in, A, presented me with a thick envelope while smiling at me with glee. i opened the letter and grinned back at her, too-- it was the official communication from the funding agency, informing us that our three-year project has been approved, to the tune of 70,000 Euros!!!

: ) : ) : )

so now i am here at home, writing on this blog. a while ago, thea read my Vagina Monologues script while in the car going home, and she loved it and enthusiastically invited her friend, who hitched a ride with us, to go see the show with her next Saturday.

in a while, our favorite dinner-- cansi or bulalo (beef stew with bone marrow meat) -- will be ready. the two little ones are on their Playstation 2 while thea is on the laptop next to me. we are all being who we are, doing what we want, in our home, our haven of rest and growth and much loving.

all is right with our world.

ooohh, thank You, God, for loving and blessing us so!!!

dreams coming true

i can't wait to live like this next year-- waking up without stressing about starting the day, because my day is mine to make, my work mine to decide, and income flows in from many sources!

i didn't realize it until lately, but i could actually afford to take a one full year's leave off without pay from my regular university teaching job by schoolyear 2007-08, mainly because of my new peace journalism three-year project commencing this april where i'll be paid in Euros!

i plan on spending the first of the 3 year project's honoraria for paying off the last of my credit card debts and updating my mortgate, at least. after that, the funds are clear for my doing anything with them as i please. since i have my 3rd summer free by next summer 2007, i figure id apply for my one-year leave by the end of that summer, to continue my "vacation" from the university for another 12 months, which would be a long-deserved treat to my self. i want to be spending it doing lots of walking and exercise and living more healthily, reading (ooh i have a lot to catch up on with my growing collection of still-to-be-read books!), writing, and working from home.

it wouldn't also mean all rest and play; i plan on using the free year to focus on my mom's and our family's internet-based export business, where im the lead person tasked to make it take off. if things really go well, i can even "retire" from my university work already and fulfill my dream of working and earning independently from home, by the time im 40!

still, teaching remains a deep love... maybe it's just the present environment (teaching undergraduates in a regimented administrative culture) that's not compatible with my growth and goals anymore... after i finish my MA in Conflict and Reconciliation Studies this year, i could also apply for a continued scholarship with Pax Christi for a doctorate in the same, which will qualify me to move away from teaching undergraduates to professionals now in the graduate school!

and all the while, i thought i needed that one-year writing grant to have this free year for me!

im saying i can't wait to "live like this next year" because im actually slowly living it now, this working from home dream life, although there's still my university job. offers for more writing projects keep coming in; it's just me who has to decline or postpone some because my university work takes a lot of energies and attention out of me. hmmm..... no wonder im feeling less and less interested in my day job now, while my passion, my incandescence, is pulling me towards more of the independent freelancing and net-earning lifestyle i crave now.

one door is closing, while more are opening, and i can't help it, nor do i want to, even if i could, anymore.

it's time to move on to better, happier, more soul-compatible things.

oohhh, i can't wait!!!

the 5th and final answer

the 5th answer has really something to do with the 3rd answer; but the 3rd answer still needed following through... and so, here is the follow through that finally makes the connection for me:

you are loved, just as you are. you can't help it, really. The Universe strains, yearns to give all the Abundance you can contain, despite your fears, anxieties, worries, frets, tizzies. so not even your fears, anxieties, worries, frets and tizzies can stop the flow anymore. you are loved and so taken care of, just as you are.

before, when meditating and manifesting my Good, i was coming from a place where i was feeling good because i knew that i deserved all the Good coming my way.

now, after the recent tizzy, when meditating and just enjoying and expecting now the manifestation of my Good, i am coming from a place where i know, that even if i don't feel i deserve it, the Universe still directs it my way anyway. that God/Love conquers even my smallness of mind and heart; that my Abundance cannot be helped nor stopped anymore.

now, isn't that kind of knowing such a gift? : D

cat ate my salad

the cat ate my salad. i still can't believe it.

after a long day of working, serving, giving to other people, i was looking forward to this little treat for me... but the cat ate my salad. : (

ive been up since 1 am, working on my presentation on peace journalism and conflict analysis tools, due at 10:30 a.m.

before my talk, i still had to take paolo to his taekwondo lesssons.

the talk was good. i could tell i made the audience think, from the thoughtful, reflective way they looked when i emphasized a point, and the questions they later asked. i ran the whole show from beginning to end. i hope i was able to plant seeds in their minds and hearts for the cause of peace.

the open forum part got so excitingly interactive, we ran overtime and finished at 1pm. they asked me to take my lunch with them and i took a few bites just to oblige.

but then i remembered paolo, who has been off from his taekwondo lessons for an hour already; i imagined him just roaming the mall.

so i rushed to fetch him, and thankfully quickly found him at the toy section, as usual. he looked wan and tired though and i asked if he was hungry. unusually for him he nodded yes, and asked if he could have both a chinese siopao and a hotdog waffle with cheese, plus his favorite orange drink. knowing paolo to be a not-so-enthusiastic eater, he must have been really hungry by this time, and so i bought him all he wanted to eat.

then, we shopped a bit more for some household items and groceries, from the P1500 fee i had just been given for the 2-hour talk.

by 2:30pm when we came home, i was drained but happily so, in a satisfied way, feeling good and thankful for this day, and thinking how all was right with my world again.

i decided to skip a full lunch and go to sleep instead, but already thinking id fix my self a salad from the ingredients paolo and i recently bought at the mall, when i woke up.

people who know me, and who know that i rarely venture out into the kitchen to fix something (well i fixed the salad in the dining area, far from the maid's kitchen... : > ), know how big a deal this was that i decided to fix my self a salad.

i dreamt of that salad.

when i woke up at 5pm i tasted that salad in my lips and tongue.

and so, even as i was still half-awake, i proceeded to the dining area and took out the ingredients and started preparing my salad.

after everything was all in and tossed to my satisfaction, i placed my big bowl of salad on the living room side table even as i turned to the tv to see what was showing.

the little ones were enjoying Mr. Bean's antics and i started to relax at the mindless enjoyment, too.

until i remembered my salad.

by the time i turned back to my salad, the cat was already buried in it, lettuce leaves covering her ears.

...

...

*&^%$#@(*&! : ( : ( : (



oh, life.

okay, but embarassed

im okay again now.

for two days, the kids were absent from school, but so what? they were happy with it, used their time productively and creatively at home, as they usually do, reading, drawing, painting, making crafts out of scrap, playing outside, in addition to tv and video game breaks (yes the tv and video games are the breaks!) : ), so they've always been okay.

when they went back to school, i sent notes to their teachers, trying to be honest but without sounding pathetic-- i just said the children were absent because i was physically incapacitated from bringing them to and from school my self, and there was nobody else who could do it for me. paolo later told me he trashed my note, though, and simply told the teacher: "ma'am, our car broke down and we had very little money left, not enough to go to school on."

i blush more for my cowardice than from my son's candor.

***

things were cleared up with my aunt and her secretary. apparently there was a miscommunication somewhere and the person the secretary instructed to send the funds over on time forgot, thus, the delay.

i blush all the more for my over-reaction and my wilder imaginings.

***

the funds did come in by wednesday, plus my butterfly biz commission, so i got back on track again, paying all my bills plus the car repair bills, and even treating papa and my brother to an oyster lunch, waiving my share of the family photo prize money our aunt gave out last christmas in favor of my sister who needed funds more for her medicines, and treating my self to extra pampering after the tizzy i put my self through for the last few days at this new beauty parlor i tried out (i was feeling confident and adventurous again)-- hair cellophane treatment, hair cut, blow dry, foot spa, pedicure and manicure-- all for a promo package of only P700! : )

still, when i think of my recent tizzy, i blush really crimson for allowing my self to get all so hyped up over only a little delay in receiving 5k. is my spirit too small and weak, it can be upset by only 5k???

blush, blush, blush.

still, i also believe there is a lesson to be learnt from all this, as with all other experiences.

why did i go there again, huh? when i've moved on to better things and am in a good place now, that's what i keep asking my self these days. what did that fluke of an experience try to show me, teach me, about my self?

i have some initial answers in my mind, but they still don't "click" with me in the usual a-ha! way i get when i get answers from my gut. three initial answers are:

1. i needed to grieve that part of my life, that post-sep part. weeks ago, i grieved over the end of my marriage, so it would follow that my grieving would then proceed to going back to the early months after it ended;

2. i needed to be reminded of how vulnerable i still am psychically and mentally, of negativity elsewhere and inside of me, if i don't stay alert and keep focused on what i am about now;

3. with the good i have again now (it always has been there, actually), that experience serves to show me how really foolish and baseless all my fears were and are, how i am really actually so loved and taken care of, i shouldn't even have fretted in the first place...


this third answer comes right in the heels of a wonderful surprise again today. earlier in the day, i sort of gotten anxious a little because the budget i initially set aside for treating my daughter's confirmation sponsors (who are also my closest friends) to a vegan lunch celebration at my sister's cafe was only P500, but which later turned out almost double. still, i set it aside as i went to a talk i was invited to speak at, to pinchhit for a previously invited speaker who did not come. i initially felt obligated and burdened to do this, but since it was for the school paper staff whom i loved and cared about, it was okay in the end.

imagine to my surprise, when, at the end of the talk, the staff presented me with an envelope containing P1500 inside, P500 more than the amount i "lost" at the vegan lunch treat (!). i didnt expect to be paid as i was an in-house speaker; still, they paid me anyway. and tomorrow, they've invited me, too, to another talk, so that would mean another fee!

so im blushing really bad now for all the smallness i showed, when the God/Universe is so good and so loving and provides all our needs and even beyond.

i don't deserve all this loving.

...

... or maybe, that's the fourth answer huh?


it just occurred to me-- that maybe my recent tizzy also showed me too the error thoughts i still have about money and abundance, about being well provided for and taken care of, of my "worthiness" of all the Good there is out there desiring to give to me!

hmmmm.... maybe so.

i've been working seriously on my meditations lately, and it must be just part of the entire emotional cleansing and thought-clearing phase, too...

hmmm.

still, i blush.

i know i am bigger than experiences like these, and yet, when the test came, all i showed was my smallness, getting upset over small things.

i don't want to be this small again.

forgive me, God/Universe?

i want to rise up again to my God-dessness now. : )

please help me not ever forget that ever, again.

little Angels

my heart feels raw from crying for most of the day, my chest even feels sore, racked. but i kept on doing paperwork anyway and never letting the kids see how down ive been feeling. from time to time, i would take a break and rest and sob in bed, still awash in my feelings of failure and ineptness at taking care of my own (pls. see post below)...

but tonight, while working here on the pc, with thea on the other end working on the laptop, and the two of us listening to the little ones play a war game with paolo's toy soldiers on the floor, we heard food-lover bea stopping paolo in the middle of the war, saying--

ding, ding, ding, ding!!!
Lunchtime!!!

we all burst out laughing while bea, looking a bit hurt and confused, innocently protested, "but ive got to feed my soldiers, too!"

NWObserver was right (pls. see comment on post below); wonderful things happen when the kids are at home.

and they will only start being absent tomorrow yet. : )

square one

i am feeling like i am back to square one, with nothing to show for it.

the car trouble has wiped my savings out, and wrecked my food and household budget for the coming week.

the consultancy fee i was counting on to be sent to me last 15th yet, hadn't come, because my aunt's administrative officer, E, who is really her hands-on manager in her export business where i am doing a series of writing projects for, failed to send the fee over. i tried to contact her then but there was no response. i am sensing growing resentment, if not hostility, from her, for my aunt's bringing me in into their business (actually specifically to be "eyes and ears", as my aunt called it), because maybe i am more an intrusion than a welcome addition, and my as- yet-unsubmitted stories makes it appear that im just receiving my fees for nothing.

well, she doesn't know half of what my aunt and i discussed-- that i could take as long as i like--and what writing entails: this is a series of 6 to 7 thousand-word-plus stories on their individual suppliers that also needs to be closely tied up together with a running theme emphasizing a main marketing concept. for a single story elsewhere, i usually take 3 weeks to a month. and for the number of stories this is going to be, they are actually getting a bargain from my monthly fee.

well, anyway, i just emailed her letting her know nicely how upset i am over the delay, and her keeping me in the dark about the status of the funds transfer by her ignoring my communication. when all else is lost, i still have my pride.

still, i can't help crying.

i thought id long moved on, celebrating my good and the measure of financial stability i have now in my life, ... but this experience just shows me how vulnerable i still am.

last night, i called the kids to a meeting, telling them our funds status, and that for as long as the car stays at the mechanic's, we can't afford the daily back and forth taxis as well as their lunch meal allowance, too, so my decision is for them to just be absent from school for a while, until we get our car back and the funds from my mom's butterfly biz comes in next week (i hope E doesn't keep me hanging on this, too, as this is my mom's and uncle's separate business with me).

of course the kids were happy. we used to do this before, a lot of times, during the early months of the sep.

but i weep in sadness and frustration. i see what this means, how helpless i still can be when i thought ive already stood up on my own two feet, taking care of them and me, without having to still depend on other people for doleouts or loans.

i work so hard, packing 48, 72 hours worth of work in into a 24 hour day, usually just getting by on 3 hours' sleep (no wonder ive been feeling burnt out lately and gobbling on sleep any chance i get!!!), and working on so many things at almost the same time, just to be able to stand on my own two feet with honest pride, and now... this.

i look at my other Pollyana-ish posts here and in my other blogs, especially in Magical Mind, and im thinking now that they are all just plain crap, that's it's no use keeping my chin up cheerfully and lovingly, when life is really just crap.

upping the ante

there's a good purpose to my car's constantly breaking down these past few days. somehow, papa has learned of it and has offered, through my brother, to buy me a new secondhand but newer edition car.

expectedly, though, given papa's Scroogey ways, he has set his budget at only 100k.

a door is opening to manifest my desires for a new family car for the kids and i. but i originally wanted a family van-type vehicle, specifically the Toyota Innova. and it costs 1M. : )

should i settle for less and take what's offered by papa, or should i just continue manifesting for what i truly desire?

i think i'll continue manifesting, even if i open my self up to papa's offer by exploring what's available out there, given his budget...

or what else is the Mind good for if we only settle for less? : )

a woman's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a Heaven for?

Burnout

i was searching for "tired uterus" in Google search, Yahoo search, and even Yahoo Answers, but i never got the answers that resonated with me... until i clicked a link to "burnout".

this made me break out in tears in clear recognition--

Burnout happens when people who have previously been highly committed to a job lose all interest and motivation. Sadly, this can spell the end of a successful career.

It mainly strikes highly-committed, passionate, hard working and successful people – and it therefore holds a special fear for those who care passionately about their careers and about the work they do.

... The real damage of burnout comes from the sense of deep disillusionment that lies at its heart.

Many of us get our sense of identity and meaning from our work. We may have started our careers with high ideals or high ambitions and may have followed these with passion.

This is easy to see in doctors and teachers, who may have a strong desire to help other people to be the best that they can be. Good lawyers may have a passion for justice. Others may be ambitious for promotion or may want to “make a difference” to people or organizations in some other way. In all of these cases, these ideals can drive a highly motivated, passionate approach to work.

...

It is not surprising that people showing this level of resilience and commitment to their work are often spectacularly successful.

The problem comes when things become too much. Perhaps exhaustion sets in because people have been working too hard for too long. Perhaps performance begins to slip because of this. Perhaps the problem being solved is too great, and the resources available are too meager. Perhaps supportive mentors move on and are replaced by people who do not appreciate the heroic job that is being done, or do not subscribe to the ideals that drive performance. Perhaps co-workers or team members make just too many emotional demands, or people being served prove to be ungrateful and difficult.

Being proactive, energetic, committed people, it is likely that we respond to obstacles like these by increasing our commitment and hard work. However, in these circumstances it is possible that these efforts may have little or no impact on the situation.

This can be where burnout begins to set in. As we get less satisfaction from our jobs, the downsides of these jobs become more troublesome. As we get more tired, we have less energy to give. If our organizations fail to support us, we can get increasingly disenchanted with them. We become increasingly disillusioned.

In extreme cases, we can lose faith completely in what we are doing, and what our organizations are doing, becoming cynical and embittered, and feeling that our ideals and meanings in life count for nothing.

This is full-scale burnout.

tired uterus

why am i suddenly so tired these days?

my body seems to be transforming-- i notice a change in taste to more vegetables and fruits, and lots and lots of water. then, too, there's the deep craving for sleep.

the things and tasks which used to consume me with passion and intense concentration-- my readings, studies, teaching, even my freelance non-creative writing, all seem like a burden and a chore to me now. i can only work in two to three-hour spurts now, and then i stop for a long time, and then work again... and i have to drag my self to work on them again...

all i want to do is sleep, and stay at home, and eat vegetables and fruits and drink lots of water, and blog or write in my journal, and then sleep some more.

if i had an active sex life i would think im pregnant!!!

(but then again, maybe i am indeed pregnant in other levels, gestating other possibilities, and my body is reacting as if i were indeed physically pregnant.. hmmmm...)

*****

i'm fighting and struggling so hard from bashing my self these days, for slacking off, for so many things still left undone.

i have to keep reminding my self my New Year's Resolutions for 2006:

1. to take extremely good and loving care of my self in all ways;
2. to discipline my mind and will to focus only on what i want to manifest in my life.

Revised Rules of Engagement

after a series of 3 or 4 minor skirmishes here at home last week, and subsequent consultations with the parties concerned, coming to a mutual agreement at last, we have revised our policies for our happy home, added two more "rules", printed it out yesterday, and posted it on our family bulletin board where everybody can see it at all times of the day, with an enthusiastic hand-clapping ceremony from all parties concerned, as thus--

For Our Happy Home

1. Be honest.
2. Be kind.
3. Speak gently.
4. Clean up your own mess.

and this is so.

: ) : ) : )

sister, again

i went there again today just to see how she's doing... and to sample a new buffet of vegan food, too (as a regularly paying customer, of course).

but before that, i used her text message to me of the detailed menu for today to forward to all the Bacolod-based people in my cellphone book again.

wowwww... was i pleasantly surprised when i went in at 1pm after my exams.

the place was comfortably full! and i saw at leazt 5 faces of people i texted earlier already there, going for their seconds or thirds! : D

when i went to the buffet table, the serving dishes were almost empty; i had just arrived in time to get my fill too.

my sister was surprised at the turnout too, and she asked me what i did.

i had to run her through all the 4 basic steps quickly-- know what you want, get clear, stay in joy and let go-- that i've learned for my self so far, after a lot of readings and researches on my own since middle of last year. : )

well, quickly, because people kept wanting her to ask her about things, and her phone never stopped ringing too!

woowwwww.... this manifesting stuff never fails to amaze me still every time it works.

hmmm... i know i ought to be checking on my own manifestations... but i know too that once one has let go, to never keep checking to see how it's going. that's like rushing a flower to bloom, pestering and interfering, instead of truly letting go....

no, i won't check. : )

it will come.

they will come, i mean.

today is one more proof of that certainty.

thank you God!!!

***

sister asked me to manifest for a really big commercial cake and vegetable chiller this time.

her wish is my command. (wink, wink! ;> )

sister

im doing great these days (an update on that later), but my sister is not.

i visited her at their newly-opened cafe today, to be one of their first customers. i was all excited and upbeat, even texting friends in my cellphone book who happen to be based in our city and announcing to them her daily lunch buffet of vegan treats for only P90.00, eat all you can!

she sat at my table, with the kids, but she was picking on her food and eating listlessly. well, there were not many customers yet, actually just me and her mother-in-law, but my thinking was-- what do you expect from a first day opertion? she smiled at me when i grew all excited about where we could place flyers-- mainly i told her it should be in allied businesses dealing with health: gyms, beauty parlors, spas, even doctors' clinics and hospital waiting rooms, and, come Lent, outside churches too! she says she should hire me as marketing consultant; i said ive already hired my self for her, for free. : )

but she still seemed wan and sad.

i couldn't delve into more with her, with the young kids around.

but i just decided-- id include her in my meditations and affirmations, too, visualizing people getting out of their cars and excitedly flocking to her cafe and scraping the buffet trays clean, while she and her husband happily and busily run around attending to customers, along with their staff, and the cash register keeps on ringing happily!!! : D

ive turned my life around mainly with this little secret... : ) : ) : )

i think it's time to more consciously spread the magic around.

God bless my sister and her husband and their kids and their new cafe!!!

So Much Going On

my cousin lee hua (alona) finally IMs me to ask why ive been so quiet lately; and another blogger friend asked the same thing too.

well, the short answer is-- im busy. (aren't we all? : >) i want to finish all backlog and work and writing projects before i turn 38 (feb. 29... er.... well, this year, i will have to borrow either feb. 28 or march 1), so i can clear space and energies in my life for my 38th year.

and the long answer is-- there's just so much going on in my life right now, all good and happy things, that i can't even sit still long enough to think about them and write about them without sounding like i'm bragging, or crazy.

there's so much growing, too, and so much new information im learning, at all levels but most especially in the level of the mind and consciousness and being, and im just having a ball keeping up!

i'll make it up to you somehow, soon or late, cousin lee! promise.

and thanks, so many thanks... for so many things.

Moving On

hmmm... it is eerie how the answers are coming to me so fast now.

i just got this link from an email, and this is what i've been trying to explain to my self these days, how im feeling so out of the world, yet so centered and so in place now...

'fits in too with my very recent experiences...

Life 101

i came home with the kids early, and we all settled into winding down and relaxing our selves.

i went straight to the shower, took off my contacts, and changed into my favorite nightie without the underwear get-up. yes, at 4 p.m. : )

as i sat there on the bed, toweling my self, i was struck by a strange moment of calm recognition--

this is my life now, and it is good.

...

heck, for all the wild rides ive taken, it has turned out good!

my time is more my own now, the kids and i are healthy and safe and have enough for our needs, and we're thriving as we flex all our spiritual, mental, emotional and physical muscles just growing and blossoming forth every day, as we were always meant to be.

even since i re-started my Manifesting studies and Silva meditations, too, i've found that i am more ... centered... calmer.... less vulnerable to negativity, whether from others or from my own self-talk.

for the first time in my life, i can confidently say-- i have no problems!

(knock on wood!) heehee... just to be sure.

ooh wow.

and then a little sneaky thought reminded me of how i was even just a year before, so stressed, so close to burn-out. how dare i can be so different now?! how dare i?!!!

...

and then i started getting depressed that i am not depressed right now. : ( figure that one out.

look what crazy havoc one sneaky discouraging thought can do.

i actually started feeling down, questionning my own present state of calm and contentment and joy now!!!

ooh wow, where did that psychic whack come from???

...

but, the Universe is good.

as i sat down to open my emails, i received another forward from a long-ago friend whom i just recently actually thought of blocking because of the many cheesy forwards she sends, but this time, while reading her forwarded email, i felt like it was the Universe sitting me down and talking to me, reminding me of where i'm at --

A Most Wonderful day to you !
 
Albert Einstein once said, "Everyone has two choices.
We're either full of love,  or full of fear." 

This could not be more true. Look around you. I bet
you can determine whether someone is filled with love
or fear in a matter of seconds. People who are filled
with love (or at least getting there!) are optimistic, 
excited, helping, listening, cheering go-getters it
shows on their face, in their spirit and seems to
refresh everyone they meet. Those filled with fear
are paranoid, pessimistic, envious, demanding,
overbearing downers and it shows on their face, in
their spirit and seems to suck the life out of everyone
they meet. 

Which one are you? Are you filled with fear or love?
Or are you a combination of the two? Which one do you
want to be?

That's a silly question. You want to be full of love.
So, why aren't we all full of love for everyone, including
ourselves? 

Maybe it's just easier. You don't have to put forth much
of an effort to be a pessimist. Heck, the world seems to
be geared toward SATISFYING pessimists. Just listen to
the nightly news or read the morning paper. Nothing but
bad news and more bad news!

But I'm here to tell you ­ that's no excuse.  If you want
something, you have to work for it. Creating a positive
attitude based in love takes work ­ especially when almost
everyone around you is  telling you, "Why bother? The
sky is just going to fall in anyway."

Let them talk. Their negative Chicken Little belongs to
them. Not you. Change your attitude, and your outlook
changes with it. This, in turn, will change your life
and change your results.Period. 

It just takes consistent and conscious effort to stay
in that place of warmth and positivity. 

The opinions or negativity of other people do not have
to become your reality. You determine whether you allow
that to happen. It all starts in your mind.  You need to
have a strong self-image and belief system within you
an impenetrable core based on a positive, optimistic,
anything-is-possible mindset ­ so that when those negative
folks start jabbering, you can sit quietly within yourself
and know who you are. 

When you're trying to be more optimistic and filled with
love, you can TRY to avoid those people who bring others down,
draining the very life-blood of hope and possibility, but . . .
unfortunately, this avoidance tactic rarely works.

They will find you! Once you have embraced a positive,
energy-filled, think-out-of-the-box, the-sky-is-not-the-limit
mindset, these people are somehow automatically drawn to you,
like bees to honey. 

Don't worry. It's just a test. The Universe wants to know if
you're serious about your new way of living. Don't be afraid
of the test; ­ just look these people  square in the eye with
love and joy, and sit there within yourself knowing that 
they sadly just ­ don't  get it

They don't understand that life wants them to be successful
and receive abundance. They believe that everything is a
struggle and there is only a limited supply that 
everyone must fight for. They don't get it, and they won't
get you. They may even challenge the new you. 

This hardly gives you the permission to look down on these
people, or think snidely of them in any way, shape or form.
You're not better than they are. You may be more consciously
aware and living in more abundance and gratitude, but that
doesn't make you better than them. Understand that these
people are suffering. 

They are suffering from lack -- ­ lack of self-esteem,
lack of energy, lack of love.  You don't have to explain
your new attitude;­ they will sense it immediately.  That's
what has drawn them to you in the first place. Your new self
is now radiating energy out and attracting people to you. 

At the same time, their being drawn to you, does not mean
that you should spend all of your energy trying to change
them. In  many cases, your kind- hearted efforts will
deplete your energy levels. The best way you can help these
people is to be an example of what can happen when your
mindset is based in love and positivity. 

"Great people choose to be greater than their problems.
You have that potential too." 
- Mark Victor Hansen


***

yeah, it must have been some psychic whack indeed.

but i think it came from some old part of me, who still can't get
over the fact that i've moved on, and have chosen to be a master
of my mind and my fate, instead of a victim.

i lay that suffering part of me to rest now.

Papao

ive been dreaming of Papao, my maternal grandfather, for two straight nights now. amidst the tossing and turning from disturbing dreams, Papao's face would come up, commiserating with me.

the first night, i actually dreamt him more fully. in my dream, i was crying and sobbing so, and he embraced me and i lay my head on his shoulder as i continued to sob. he looked grim-faced; i could sense he was angry at the cause of my pain, but he was tender and gentle with me. he never said anything, and i felt comforted.

tonight, i just suddenly woke up from seeing his face flash in my mind, and the quick thought that January is his birthmonth. for a hazy while, i thought of calling him up to greet him, but then i remembered that he is not in this world anymore...

***

i am suddenly missing Papao so. he was the fatherly presence and love in my young life, when my own father was too busy making a living, and too incapable of being tender and loving.

sometimes, i think, that Papao's early influence in my life somehow made up for and buffered me against the many onslaughts of misfortunes i would face later on. his love for me was unconditonal, his belief in me solid.

when i was still the only grandchild, and airfaire was cheap, i remembered being "borrowed" by Papao and Mommy (my maternal grandmother) on weekends or even on weekdays, to stay with them in Cebu.

i was only three years old then, but i still remember our daily ritual of my waking up at 7 a.m., taking a bath, eating and finishing my breakfast, for my prompt reward at 8 a.m.-- my daily one-peso Magnolia drumstick, from the ice cream man who would come rolling by at exactly the same time, every day.

Papao was an industrial and mining engineer, and he would go off to work each day promising me that he'd slay witches and dragons for me, from the many underground mines he was going into, and bring me their eyeballs as trophy at the end of the day, if i promised to be a good girl and do as Mommy bid.

i would try my best to be a very good and obedient girl and not ask too many questions (although i remember Mommy scolding me one time for asking, "Mommy, who created God then if He created all of us?"). by 5 in the afternoon, i would sit by the bay window and eagerly await Papao's arrival.

sure enough, soon, i would hear his car coming in and i would run to the door to greet him and get my trophy. sure enough, every day, without fail, he got me two full plastic bags of witches' and dragons' eyeballs, red round little balls with black dots on them.

it wasn't until i was already 17 when i learned that those "eyeballs" were actually seeds from some wild plants in the mountains, but when i found out, it only made me smile and love Papao even more.

i also loved to sit on his office chair and rummage through his drawers and things, trying them out for my own use. i especially loved his old Olivetti typewriter, the solid feel of the keys and the smell of typewriter ribbon, even as i typed gibberish happily, and "wasted" reams of paper. later on, when i learned to read and write, i would copy quotations from his many inspirational books, type them up on paper, and bind my papers together with some fasteners or ribbons, making my own little "book of verses".

he regaled me with stories, mostly of World War II, and history came alive for me because of him. my favorite story, though, is not of the war, but of his own grandfather (mine, too), who was a Tausug pirate named Tatay Dusli ("dusli" means to enflame, to burn), who terrorized the seas of Visayas and Mindanao by burning ships and entire villages if he wasn't given what he wanted, but made the women more than swoon at every port. eventually Tatay Dusli landed in Leyte, and fell in love with the daughter of a Chinese landowner, but their love was not meant to be, as she was of the rich gentry and he was not only an outcast, but a feared outcast at that. still, their love bore fruit in the person of Papao's father, Rafael, who was taken away from his mother but given to a good, hardworking childless couple who managed one of the Chinese's farms. this couple bore the family name Concepcion, and that was how he and us came to be Concepcions. Tatay Dusli, though, when the Spaniards came and colonized the islands, eventually bore the family name of "Noguerra" (for "no more war", as that was what he was made to promise by the Spanish colonizers, in return for considerable booty. : > ). true or not, i choose to believe his stories still.

in most of my teen years, i asked to spend my summers with them, not only to escape the drudgery of watching our store, but because i loved spending hours with Papao at his laboratory. he invented all sorts of things to make every day life easier and i was his young and eager and curious assistant. i remember this little battery-operated gadget he made to keep mosquitoes away. it emitted a soft buzz, and he explained that the soft buzz was to keep female mosquitoes out, as it is only the female mosquito which bites.

we loved watching movies together. i watched his favorite, King Arthur, with him many times, and he watched my favorite, The Sound of Music, with me sixty times (!), that summer of my fourteenth year.

in my later teen years, when my parents would take trips, he would come over to Bacolod to watch over us three kids, and he loved to stay in my room while i moved to my sister's. he loved reading my books, especially those on Theosophy and astrology.

Papao gave me my first and only set of Tarot cards, and handcrafted for me my first and only set of Runes.

Papao not only gave me unconditional love and support to be who i was and who i wanted to be, he also nourished my imagination and curiousity about the world, and treated me with utmost respect and consideration, never looking down on me patronizingly. he gave me the gift of utmost and unwavering belief in my self, that i could do anything and be anything, and that belief stood me through many many years of turbulence and confusion and pain and seeming loss.

Papao died in december 1997, a little more than a year after Mommy died.

Papao was born on january 23, 1919. the first aquarian i knew and loved. : )

belated happy birthday greetings, Papao.

thank you for still coming to my comfort, even when you are already in another world, another life.

i love you, Papao, always and forever.

Descansos

it is time for my own descansos now.

Pacquiao, Our Hero

i am not a sports buff, much less a boxing aficionado.

but this time i watched the Pacquiao-Morales fight on cable, live via satellite. a lot more hangs on this fight than just for the sport of it, for me and i think, for all of my countrymen and women.

Manny Pacquiao as a person is simple, humble, hardworking, with heart-- your typical every day Filipino and Filipina. not at all the corrupt government politicians nor the war-freaks and kidnappers and cheats or prostitutes or victims of abuse Filipinos and Filipinas portrayed in media.

this fight is about honor.

and this win reclaims that honor, in some way, somehow.

thank you, Manny Pacquiao.

5 a.m. Thoughts

i am jolted awake at 5 a.m., so i get up and walk around the house opening windows and peering out to see if the sun has come up. it hasn't.

my first thought that im aware of is that i'll do my walking on the tracks around the school football field after i bring the kids to school, so i better change into my walking outfit when i drive them to school.

next i sit down at the pc, and open my "Intention 3" file on the desktop. it's part of my Maintaining my Focus and Staying in the Feeling exercise that i've started to do after ive finished The Attractor Factor; it's a 30-day challenge set by its author to try, a documented experiment for me.

anyway, Intention 3 has to do with money (of course!) : ) but i will not elaborate on it here. for this 30-day experiment, im writing down my detailed "What I Desire" (Intend) and what's happening day-to-day in my going through the 5 steps of The Attractor Factor in my handwritten journal. for really really deep things, handwriting works best for me to get things out.

anyway, contemplating my Intention 3, i google search-- what can 100 million dollars buy? And then, a little later, what would it take to eradicate poverty?

i am wide awake now at what i've just learned--

it took 100 million dollars for Batman Begins' marketing.
it took 100 million dollars in a recent US aid to Colombia for counterterrorism.
it would take "$60 billion, once and for all", to eradicate poverty. that means only 600 more movie hype budgets or Colombian counterterrorism budgets, or a mix of both, to eradicate global poverty. in UN terms, that means only 0.7% of the gross national income of each of the 22 developed nations' budgets set aside for international assistance. this target was set by the UN 35 years ago but still hasn't been reached today, though.

WorldChanging.com explains that ending poverty would even have a multiplier effect:

What would ending poverty do for us? Many things.

Ending poverty would provide rich soil in which development, even leapfrogging could take root. It would reduce global tensions, helping to fight terrorism and minimize conflict. It would take pressure off the environment, helping us respond better to biodiversity loss and climate change. In every imaginable way, progress will be made easier if more than a billion of us are not struggling for survival.

and i thought 100 million dollars was already way too much, way too big to Intend! : ) : ) : )

(wink, wink!)

why would i limit what the Universe wants to give?

heehee. this is fun. now im back "in the Feeling" again.

***

P.S. interesting not-so-fun fact : ( --

World military expenditures topped $839 billion in 2001, up from $798 billion in 2000. The United States government's military spending accounts for 36% of that amount, which does not reflect increases in spending following September 11

Divine "Nudge"

the magazine feature is actually a double blessing for me. the ego stroke is okay, everyone always appreciates one : ) but there's another deeper blessing for me in it.

you see, i received the interview questionnaire from the church annulment process the ex is now filing, so he can marry his gf soon, almost a week ago. but, i just put it aside and tried to ignore it for a while... the questionnaire asked too many probing questions, even more than the Court did, and i dreaded the idea of rehashing the past and writing about it and opening up old wounds which are just newly-healed. it was like opening my very own Pandora's Box, something i don't want to do ever again, especially at a new beginnings time like now. but then, i wanted the church annulment, too, as it would free me up too, to marry the one i truly loved and who truly loves me back, someday, with church blessings. so, it was a dilemma.

anyway, the initial interview with my magazine-writer friend felt a lot like the church interview questionnaire. and early on in the interview, i frankly told my friend im not ready to dig up the past again just now, can i just send her the looooong personal response to the Court i wrote before, as it detailed everything anyway (the gist of my response was that, the ex's side detailed only the last year of the ten-year marriage; now here's the rest of the 9 years, to be fair!)?

and she agreed.

this then gave me the idea to finally just get on with it, attach the same response to the church questionnaire, and finally close the past for good, too!

isn't the Universe/God so great and kind and gentle and loving? : )

i am soo blessed.

two happy news : )

im still in an introspective mood, cleaning out personal files and my email boxes now... but i thought i'd take a break by sharing some happy news--

1. a woman magazine writer who happened to buy my book last year and who emailed me to congratulate me on the book and who has made efforts to befriend me, contacted me again today saying she wants to feature me in the first of a series of women survivors and winners her magazine has asked her to do, done Oprah-style. the magazine is for national circulation. so is this the beginning of fame, or what? : ) i hope the fortune follows soon after!

2. the German consultant on the peace journalism project im involved in and been asked to be national coordinator in just contacted me earlier too, that our grant proposal from Misereor has been approved!!! this means 3 years' paid part-time and flexi-time work in a project im passionate about, and an extra income of 200 Euro a month (12,000 Php; most people's monthly income already!!!) for the next 3 years!!!

oohhh, God is sooo good!!!

hugggggssss.

the upside of bliss

i got the answer to my own questions in my previous post below, about my writing and what it feeds on, while i was driving home for lunch an hour or so ago.

it came to me that maybe now, the time has come to take my writing to a higher level, the level of pure craft and Art.

after a weeklong creative writing workshop i attended in 3 years ago, i was asked to deliver the "valedictory" address in behalf of my co-fellows in the workshop, and i remember speaking about my own insights into the writing process, about how it has three levels:

1. the level of catharsis - usually most of us are driven to writing just to "get it all out" or we'd burst from all the pent-up feelings and confusing thoughts deep inside

2. the level of self-expression and self-understanding - when we've gotten the hang of it, we tend to continue writing just to express our selves, to hear ourselves think and see ourselves feel, so to speak, and in the process come to a better and deeper understanding of who we are and how the world is around us

3. the level of craft and Art - from self-absorbed writing for emotional release and self-expression, the highest level is probably that of pure craft, where we seriously study now our gift and its Art, and apply ourselves to the discipline of using it to touch others and communicate more effectively, beyond ego at last, just submitting ourselves to the training of our Muse.

and that's where i see my self going into in my writing now.

so be it! : )

if there's a downside to bliss

if there's a downside to bliss, it may be that Art has nothing to feed on. i am discovering that for my self, these days.

i am in a good place in my life, i have peace of mind and heart, i am content with what i have and trusting that whatever lies in store for me in the future i will be provided with what i will need. i have love in my life and i am growing into my potentialities. a secret gurgling brook of joy sustains me and nothing can touch it now, as it is a hard-earned kind of joy borne out of hard-won inner and outer battles.

everything is perfect, knock on wood. and i find that i cannot write as prolifically anymore.

is it just because i have been used to angst feeding my writing, or is that really how it is-- how Art must feed on pain and chaos?

or, maybe, my joy is just too precious and rare, writing too much about it would diminish it in some way... ?

Time Out : )

1. Go to www.google.com

2. In the search field, type "failure".

3. Click on "I'm feeling lucky".

What do you get? : )

Why an "Attitude of Gratitude"?

i got this from a subscription email today (good reminder!):

Creating a life of abundance for yourself is simple if you remember the magic words: "thank you." It's important to be reminded of how much we all have to be grateful for, and to make that "attitude of gratitude" a part of our daily lives.

Now, you might say, "What does being grateful have to do with abundance? And maybe I don't feel like I have much to be grateful for. I'm not a millionaire, I don't have a Jaguar, I hate my job…." The list could go on, couldn't it? But you may notice something else about that list. It consists of everything you don't have. That's called focusing on a lack. And it's a rule of the Universe that what you direct your focus on, you emphasize or energize and create more of. So, by focusing on what you don't have, you're simply creating more lack. It reminds me of learning about adding a positive and a negative number in grade school – you will always get less than what you started out with.

I'm talking about giving thanks for what you do have and the fortunate experiences of each day. You can start small. For example, maybe you got a seat on the bus or train this morning on the way to work and didn't have to stand. Maybe the weather forecast said rain, but the sun came out. Or, even if you're unhappy in a job, at least you have one! And then, of course, there are the people in your life. You can be grateful to have the love and support of a spouse or mate or circle of friends or relatives. And don't forget the unconditional love of a pet.

The Hausa people of Nigeria have a saying, "Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot." And that is just how the Universe works. When you focus on and express your thanks for what you do have, and the joy and love already in your life, the more abundance, joy, and love you will create in your life. To help you in this process, why not take some time at the end of each day to jot down a few things that happened that you were grateful for. You can call it your gratitude journal. I know that you will be surprised at all of the entries you can make when you take time to think about it. You are already blessed, and will only be blessed more when you have a grateful heart.

And, as Native American wisdom teaches us, don't forget to "give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way."

Harnessing Popular Will to Renunciate War

After The War
by Howard Zinn*

The war against Iraq, the assault on its people, the occupation of
its cities, will come to an end, sooner or later. The process has
already begun. The first signs of mutiny are appearing in Congress.
The first editorials calling for withdrawal from Iraq are beginning
to appear in the press. The anti-war movement has been growing,
slowly but persistently, all over the country.

Public opinion polls now show the country decisively against the war
and the Bush Administration. The harsh realities have become visible.
The troops will have to come home.

And while we work with increased determination to make this happen,
should we not think beyond this war? Should we begin to think, even
before this shameful war is over, about ending our addiction to
massive violence and instead using the enormous wealth of our country
for human needs? That is, should we begin to speak about ending
war-not just this war or that war, but war itself? Perhaps the time
has come to bring an end to war, and turn the human race onto a path
of health and healing.

A group of internationally known figures, celebrated both for their
talent and their dedication to human rights (Gino Strada, Paul
Farmer, Kurt Vonnegut, Nadine Gordimer, Eduardo Galeano, and
others), will soon launch a worldwide campaign to enlist tens of
millions of people in a movement for the renunciation of war, hoping
to reach the point where governments, facing popular resistance,
will find it difficult or impossible to wage war.

There is a persistent argument against such a possibility, which I
have heard from people on all parts of the political spectrum: We
will never do away with war because it comes out of human nature.
The most compelling counter to that claim is in history: We don't
find people spontaneously rushing to make war on others. What we
find, rather, is that governments must make the most strenuous
efforts to mobilize populations for war. They must entice soldiers
with promises of money, education, must hold out to young people
whose chances in life look very poor that here is an opportunity to
attain respect and status. And if those enticements don't work,
governments must use coercion: They must conscript young people,
force them into military service, threaten them with prison if they
do not comply.

Furthermore, the government must persuade young people and their
families that though the soldier may die, though he or she may lose
arms or legs, or become blind, that it is all for a noble cause, for
God, for country.

When you look at the endless series of wars of this century you do
not find a public demanding war, but rather resisting it, until
citizens are bombarded with exhortations that appeal, not to a
killer instinct, but to a desire to do good, to spread democracy or
liberty or overthrow a tyrant.

Woodrow Wilson found a citizenry so reluctant to enter the First
World War that he had to pummel the nation with propaganda and
imprison dissenters in order to get the country to join the butchery
going on in Europe.

In the Second World War, there was indeed a strong moral imperative,
which still resonates among most people in this country and which
maintains the reputation of World War II as "the good war." There was
a need to defeat the monstrosity of fascism. It was that belief that
drove me to enlist in the Air Force and fly bombing missions over
Europe.

Only after the war did I begin to question the purity of the moral
crusade. Dropping bombs from five miles high, I had seen no human
beings, heard no screams, seen no children dismembered. But now I had
to think about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the firebombings of Tokyo
and Dresden, the deaths of 600,000 civilians in Japan, and a similar
number in Germany.

I came to a conclusion about the psychology of myself and other
warriors: Once we decided, at the start, that our side was the good
side and the other side was evil, once we had made that simple and
simplistic calculation, we did not have to think anymore. Then we
could commit unspeakable crimes and it was all right.

I began to think about the motives of the Western powers and
Stalinist Russia and wondered if they cared as much about fascism as
about retaining their own empires, their own power, and if that was
why they had military priorities higher than bombing the rail lines
leading to Auschwitz. Six million Jews were killed in the death
camps (allowed to be killed?). Only 60,000 were saved by the war-1
percent.

A gunner on another crew, a reader of history with whom I had become
friends, said to me one day: "You know this is an imperialist war.
The fascists are evil. But our side is not much better." I could not
accept his statement at the time, but it stuck with me.

War, I decided, creates, insidiously, a common morality for all
sides. It poisons everyone who is engaged in it, however different
they are in many ways, turns them into killers and torturers, as we
are seeing now. It pretends to be concerned with toppling tyrants,
and may in fact do so, but the people it kills are the victims of
the tyrants. It appears to cleanse the world of evil, but that does
not last, because its very nature spawns more evil. Wars, like
violence in general, I concluded, is a drug. It gives a quick high,
the thrill of victory, but that wears off and then comes despair.

I acknowledge the possibility of humanitarian intervention to prevent
atrocities, as in Rwanda. But war, defined as the indiscriminate
killing of large numbers of people, must be resisted.

Whatever can be said about World War II, understanding its
complexity, the situations that followed-Korea, Vietnam-were so far
from the kind of threat that Germany and Japan had posed to the
world that those wars could be justified only by drawing on the glow
of "the good war." A hysteria about communism led to McCarthyism at
home and military interventions in Asia and Latin America-overt and
covert-justified by a "Soviet threat" that was exaggerated just
enough to mobilize the people for war.

Vietnam, however, proved to be a sobering experience, in which the
American public, over a period of several years, began to see through
the lies that had been told to justify all that bloodshed. The United
States was forced to withdraw from Vietnam, and the world didn't come
to an end. One half of one tiny country in Southeast Asia was now
joined to its communist other half, and 58,000 American lives and
millions of Vietnamese lives had been expended to prevent that. A
majority of Americans had come to oppose that war, which had provoked
the largest anti-war movement in the nation's history.

The war in Vietnam ended with a public fed up with war. I believe
that the American people, once the fog of propaganda had dissipated,
had come back to a more natural state. Public opinion polls showed
that people in the United States were opposed to send troops
anywhere in the world, for any reason.

The Establishment was alarmed. The government set out deliberately to
overcome what it called "the Vietnam syndrome." Opposition to
military interventions abroad was a sickness, to be cured. And so
they would wean the American public away from its unhealthy
attitude, by tighter control of information, by avoiding a draft,
and by engaging in short, swift wars over weak opponents (Grenada,
Panama, Iraq), which didn't give the public time to develop an anti-
war movement.

I would argue that the end of the Vietnam War enabled the people of
the United States to shake the "war syndrome," a disease not natural
to the human body. But they could be infected once again, and
September 11 gave the government that opportunity. Terrorism became
the justification for war, but war is itself terrorism, breeding rage
and hate, as we are seeing now.

The war in Iraq has revealed the hypocrisy of the "war on terrorism."
And the government of the United States, indeed governments
everywhere, are becoming exposed as untrustworthy: that is, not to be
entrusted with the safety of human beings, or the safety of the
planet, or the guarding of its air, its water, its natural wealth, or
the curing of poverty and disease, or coping with the alarming growth
of natural disasters that plague so many of the six billion people on
Earth.

I don't believe that our government will be able to do once more what
it did after Vietnam-prepare the population for still another plunge
into violence and dishonor. It seems to me that when the war in Iraq
ends, and the war syndrome heals, that there will be a great
opportunity to make that healing permanent.

My hope is that the memory of death and disgrace will be so intense
that the people of the United States will be able to listen to a
message that the rest of the world, sobered by wars without end, can
also understand: that war itself is the enemy of the human race.

Governments will resist this message. But their power is dependent on
the obedience of the citizenry. When that is withdrawn, governments
are helpless. We have seen this again and again in history.

The abolition of war has become not only desirable but absolutely
necessary if the planet is to be saved. It is an idea whose time has
come.

*Howard Zinn is the co-author, with Anthony Arnove, of "Voices of a
People's History of the United States."

Being Good to Me

it is the last day of christmas vacation today, and i mostly spent it still cleaning up.

i only initially wanted to sort out and reorganize my old files and books, but one thing led to another, and before i realized it, the whole house was being cleaned! (you have to understand that i don't usually do the cleaning as the maid does the routine ones; when i do "cleaning", it means complete overhauling--sorting out, deciding which ones to keep and give away, rearranging, reorganizing... and all the while the same processes take place within me mentally, emotionally and psychically. so it becomes not only an active kind of meditation but even like an inner pilgrimage.)

i have other, "more important" things to do with my time and energies, but i hold them at bay. im also succeeding very well now at not indulging in self-bashing and guilt-tripping for slacking off from the "more important" things and attending to my inner and personal needs for cleaning in all ways instead.

off the cuff, here are the things i am supposed to have finished by today, as i should have worked on them during the two-week christmas vacation:

1. check students' papers and exams
2. update class records
3. compute Prelim grades
4. work on and finish my aunt's marketing project/blog stories on suppliers, promised due at around this time
5. work on and finish a friend and client's master plan project for the media network she's overseeing, promised due at around this time
6. write final output on an individual study began in 2001 yet
7. write final output on a group research on pop culture, promised due at around this time
8. translate two talks i have given into papers for publication
9. do my MA assignments in: International Human Rights and Humanitarian Law, Ethical and Religious Perspectives on Peace and Conflict, and Conflict History; all due weeks ago!

but, you know what, this christmas vacation, starting on dec. 19th when i also started preparing for christmas and got caught up in the holiday spirit, i simply decided id prioritize me and my needs for rest, enjoyment and relaxation this time, after having driven my self to produce and produce for others for most of my life.

i figured, work will always be there. and it will be done when it's absolutely time for me to work on them. but, i cannot afford to risk going on shortcircuit due to burnout anymore, not when im all i and my kids have got.

i have been sensing for a long time that if i don't do this now-- give to my self at last-- i will not have anything much to give to others for the long haul, at least not the kind of whole hearted giving i do, when even my most routine of work projects bear the stamp of my intense passion and love for the work itself.

i am 95% done with my cleaning project now, and i figure i can let the 5% go for another week, or delegate it to the maid. in a little while, i'll start on To Dos numbered 1, 2 and 3, with the rest to follow as they come up for "last deadline" status in the next two to three weeks.

im going slower, but surer now, taking care to treat my self gently and lovingly, and giving way to my periodic needs for rest before i can go on again, instead of pushing my self on overdrive like i used to before.

that is basically my only New Year's Resolution now-- to just be good to me at last.

Happy New Year!

the kids and i spent our new year differently this time-- with my sister, honey, and her husband, ping, and their kids at their farm. the initial idea was to have a quiet and "nonviolent" way of welcoming the new year, without our own fireworks, but just watching the city in fireworks below, but with kids around... well... ping couldn't resist! : )

we went there in the morning of dec. 31. the road to Brgy. Alangilan was smooth but from the barangay up to the farm, it was like riding in a moon buggy, with large stones and craters as obstacle course material. still, we had fun! we adults were getting groggy and nauseous but the little ones were tickled and giggled so, while the older ones didnt even notice as they were so engrossed in their multi-track conversations.

reaching the clearing of the farm itself, though, was well worth the wild ride. as it was on elevated terrain, the air was suddenly cool and fresh, and letting the kids out of the van was like letting long-held prisoners out of jail! : )

as we adults settled in, the kids had the run of the place. when they saw the home-made pool at the back of the house, they immediately stripped and changed into their bathing suits and dove. the littlest one, ella, just stripped naked and climbed down into the pool! : )

while the maid prepared lunch, honey went into the bedroom for a nap and ping had to go back to the city for business (he was to come back later in the evening with the generator and other stuff). i volunteered to watch the kids in the pool while i read. i laid the sleeping bag on a grassy spot and opened my book, even as i watched them from time to time.

after a while, the big girls suggested exploring the trees beyond the clearing and the two little boys jumped up to follow. i was left with bea and ella giggling and splashing about. after a while, i couldn't resist my self, changed into my bathing suit, too, and had fun with the little mermaids.

that's all we did, swam, or walked around, or climbed up the mezzanine floor to watch the whole city below, then ate, then went back to what we were doing, then ate, then did other things instead, then ate. i was careful to stick to my newfound resolution in "reveling in my perfect weight" though... : )

in the afternoon, the little ones had fun running around chasing a chicken. the boys then went into a clearing to follow a goat, and came back with redd retching from some leaf stuck in his throat. apparently, the boys tried to eat what the goat was eating too.

in the evening, ping came back with a bang. he rode into the clearing "shooting" fireworks all over the place with the toy gun he was holding. all the kids, especially the two boys, ran to him and begged to play with the fireworks immediately, even as dinner was spread out in the candlelight, and ping said he wanted to get the generator going first.

well, anyway, somehow, everything got done at the same time-- the generator got going, even as the boys now started shooting their own toy guns. then we had dinner together, after which, the girls retreated into the bedroom to rest (thea slept, having stayed the whole night up the night before working on her role play sites stuff on the net) while the little ones jumped back into the pool for a night swimming session.

while waiting for midnight, thea, bea and i somehow fell asleep in the bedroom, along with ella, while the others set up a bonfire outside and toasted marshmallows and hotdogs.

we were awakened by Tarzan's (ping) wild cry, with the copycat howls of redd and paolo following close behind. it was 12 o'clock midnight, already!!! : )

and then, ping let out his secret stash of more and grander fireworks and the kids were beside themselves with the loot, even as honey and i just watched them having fun, and the resplendent glory and earthshaking sounds of the fireworks going off in the sky from our otherwise quiet spot and the city down below.

Tarzan howled again with a Happy New Yeaaaaaarrrrr!!! and the little monkeys followed suit, too. we burst out laughing when a far-away voice from somewhere answered, Happy New Yeaaaaaarrrrr!!! back. : ) : ) : )

everyone, except Thea (who was still sound asleep) and i, had midnight snack and slept at around 3am already.

we woke up to January 1, 2006, full of good feelings and warmth and joy. what a wonderful way to start the year off!

that's my sister's and her hubby's farmhouse behind me 

that's the entire city behind and below me  

bea (in orange) and cousin, ella, with shark friend 

thea at farm grounds 

kids in farm pool 1 

kids in farm pool 2