Friday, February 24, 2006

okay, but embarassed

im okay again now.

for two days, the kids were absent from school, but so what? they were happy with it, used their time productively and creatively at home, as they usually do, reading, drawing, painting, making crafts out of scrap, playing outside, in addition to tv and video game breaks (yes the tv and video games are the breaks!) : ), so they've always been okay.

when they went back to school, i sent notes to their teachers, trying to be honest but without sounding pathetic-- i just said the children were absent because i was physically incapacitated from bringing them to and from school my self, and there was nobody else who could do it for me. paolo later told me he trashed my note, though, and simply told the teacher: "ma'am, our car broke down and we had very little money left, not enough to go to school on."

i blush more for my cowardice than from my son's candor.

***

things were cleared up with my aunt and her secretary. apparently there was a miscommunication somewhere and the person the secretary instructed to send the funds over on time forgot, thus, the delay.

i blush all the more for my over-reaction and my wilder imaginings.

***

the funds did come in by wednesday, plus my butterfly biz commission, so i got back on track again, paying all my bills plus the car repair bills, and even treating papa and my brother to an oyster lunch, waiving my share of the family photo prize money our aunt gave out last christmas in favor of my sister who needed funds more for her medicines, and treating my self to extra pampering after the tizzy i put my self through for the last few days at this new beauty parlor i tried out (i was feeling confident and adventurous again)-- hair cellophane treatment, hair cut, blow dry, foot spa, pedicure and manicure-- all for a promo package of only P700! : )

still, when i think of my recent tizzy, i blush really crimson for allowing my self to get all so hyped up over only a little delay in receiving 5k. is my spirit too small and weak, it can be upset by only 5k???

blush, blush, blush.

still, i also believe there is a lesson to be learnt from all this, as with all other experiences.

why did i go there again, huh? when i've moved on to better things and am in a good place now, that's what i keep asking my self these days. what did that fluke of an experience try to show me, teach me, about my self?

i have some initial answers in my mind, but they still don't "click" with me in the usual a-ha! way i get when i get answers from my gut. three initial answers are:

1. i needed to grieve that part of my life, that post-sep part. weeks ago, i grieved over the end of my marriage, so it would follow that my grieving would then proceed to going back to the early months after it ended;

2. i needed to be reminded of how vulnerable i still am psychically and mentally, of negativity elsewhere and inside of me, if i don't stay alert and keep focused on what i am about now;

3. with the good i have again now (it always has been there, actually), that experience serves to show me how really foolish and baseless all my fears were and are, how i am really actually so loved and taken care of, i shouldn't even have fretted in the first place...


this third answer comes right in the heels of a wonderful surprise again today. earlier in the day, i sort of gotten anxious a little because the budget i initially set aside for treating my daughter's confirmation sponsors (who are also my closest friends) to a vegan lunch celebration at my sister's cafe was only P500, but which later turned out almost double. still, i set it aside as i went to a talk i was invited to speak at, to pinchhit for a previously invited speaker who did not come. i initially felt obligated and burdened to do this, but since it was for the school paper staff whom i loved and cared about, it was okay in the end.

imagine to my surprise, when, at the end of the talk, the staff presented me with an envelope containing P1500 inside, P500 more than the amount i "lost" at the vegan lunch treat (!). i didnt expect to be paid as i was an in-house speaker; still, they paid me anyway. and tomorrow, they've invited me, too, to another talk, so that would mean another fee!

so im blushing really bad now for all the smallness i showed, when the God/Universe is so good and so loving and provides all our needs and even beyond.

i don't deserve all this loving.

...

... or maybe, that's the fourth answer huh?


it just occurred to me-- that maybe my recent tizzy also showed me too the error thoughts i still have about money and abundance, about being well provided for and taken care of, of my "worthiness" of all the Good there is out there desiring to give to me!

hmmmm.... maybe so.

i've been working seriously on my meditations lately, and it must be just part of the entire emotional cleansing and thought-clearing phase, too...

hmmm.

still, i blush.

i know i am bigger than experiences like these, and yet, when the test came, all i showed was my smallness, getting upset over small things.

i don't want to be this small again.

forgive me, God/Universe?

i want to rise up again to my God-dessness now. : )

please help me not ever forget that ever, again.
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