morning thoughts

i am still trying to make sense of recent experiences here...

first there was this person, who messaged me because he was reading one of my other blogs, Magical Mind.... the connection was instant and intense, we argued on our first chat! : O but then, we were also pretty much from opposite perspectives about certain things, and the topics ranged from geopolitics to religion and mysticism... then, as suddenly as it started, after around a week of dancing around each other, it ended as abruptly too.

i am still a bit disturbed, though, of one comment he made during an argument-- how i was confrontational, can teach but can never learn. that is the first time somebody has accused me of that, and it bothers me.

am i, really? or was he just coming from an angry world of his own, and projected all of those things to me?

: ( : ( : (

***

then there's the recent drama at a project i was working with, where somebody was spreading gossip around a supposed extra-marital affair of some colleagues we were working with...

if indeed the affair is true, it was bad enough. for the people involved and for the project. "bad" not because im judging them but "bad" because i can feel the pain involved, and i see the energies being misdirected and unfocused... but finding out from different people how they learned of the news, and tracing it to this one person was worse.

i sat down with her and confronted her about it. she cried and i heard her out. but i remained firm in my trying to emphasize to her that spreading gossip like that doesn't do anyone any good in the end. she seemed to get the point ( i hope) and my gentle way of allowing her to redeem her self somehow was to hear her out, even as she was telling me of seemingly unrelated things, like her own life struggles, and about all the other troubles involved in the project we're working on... sigh.

***

then, last night, i had dinner out with a research team i was a part of, to celebrate the completion of our research project.

it was a good night out, with good food, and good company. but i didn't particularly like the conversation, though. more complaining about the work place, and mulling over intrigues-of-the-month.... another sigh.

after the dinner, i brought my closest friend in the team home in my car, as her home was my way, but the farthest out. in the car, my friend revealed to me another intrigue at work involving one of our team members too, something very private but which has somehow gotten the rumor mills spreading, and which eventually got to our top admin. the bottomline is, our other friend doesn't know that she might be axed for it. today.

: ( : ( : (

***

my thoughts and feelings are still jumbled about these, but one thing is clear to me though... how blessed i am for the life i have now, with my children and my work and my passions.

these have only served to further emphasize to me how much of a broken world it still is out there; these last months, i seemed to have forgotten that, wrapped up in my own happy and safe little bubble of love and joy and dreams and faith and passion that i have, with God's Grace, somehow managed to create out of my own life.

***

what is the Universe trying to tell me with all these recent experiences? Conversations with God says that the experiences and people you attract into your life serve to teach you something, to point out to you something, and/or to mirror to you something about your own life, too. and it is your call now to decide how to respond to these experiences and people, with how you decide to act and react towards them... which is your statement of Who You Are.

what am i being called to do, to respond to? so far, i have responded in the best way i could, listening to the stories (when i would really rather not like to fuel gossip) but trying to direct it towards some new thought about the stories, like how hurting the people involved must be, how maybe we ought to be kinder and non-judgmental about people...

why am feeling so... violated... tarnished... from all these recent experiences? i think i responded well enough, according to my ideals and convictions, but i still feel somehow guilty, for being party to the experiences in some way.... why???

a good place

this time last year, i was wrapping up my last days as Department Chair in a frenzy, further caught up not only with pre-enrolment busy-ness but also with ensuring a smooth transition to the new Chair, both for the new Chair who's my very dear friend, and for the students in my Department whom i have grown to love so much in my 4-year stint.

this time last year, i was looking forward to a complete beauty parlor and spa treat by june 1, to celebrate my "freedom". : )

this year, though, as soon as summer classes ended last May 26, i promptly spent May 27 for my long overdue pampering and treat-- hot oil, hair trim, manicure and pedicure with foot spa at the beauty parlor, and a complete facial, body salt scrub and aromatherapeutic swedish massage at my favorite spa! : ) : ) : ) i capped the day treating my self to my favorite dinner of salad and pasta at my favorite little restaurant.

it's interesting how the same team of ladies who serviced me at the spa this year, used to be the same team of ladies who serviced me 2 years ago... and they asked me how i was, how they remembered how i frequented their place before when i was still newly separated and was trying to rebuild my life, how we shared womanly stories and how they remembered how i cried and rushed to the spa for a massage every time to keep my sanity and sense of selfhood intact... and i was happy to tell them now that i've survived and have blossomed even, in wondrous ways i my self could never even have imagined before. and they were happy for me, too.

and i secretly wept, but in relief and gratitude this time, for how i have come so far, despite my self, in spite of my self and my foibles.

***

this time last year, and all the previous years before, i would be all tired and anxious from having to balance a very tight budget, wondering where i'd get the wherewithdal to pay for the kids' tuition and school opening expenses.

this year, not only have i enrolled the kids early and bought their school supplies soon after, i am also now in the middle of updating long overdue debts which will soon be wiped out in a few months, and we actually have a little left over for little treats and luxuries, like movies and books and some toys!

***

it's interesting, too, how, for the second straight night now, i've been going to Papa's bakery to settle business for the day there and prepare it for the next day with the staff, because Papa and my brother and his family are currently in Cebu for a vacation, and they've asked me to watch over the business for them while they were away.

it is almost like deja vu-- because i used to do the same thing (and more, as bakery manager) soon after i graduated and until the early years of my marriage.

it felt funny and strange, standing there by the counter now, looking out at the passersby and the busy street, much like what i used to do before. only now, i can look out with the perspective of somebody who's been out there in the world, who has fought her battles well and triumphed against all odds, when before, i would look out wistful and envious for the life that seemed to be passing me by, wondering how and when my life on my own terms would finally begin.

the last time i stood there was 10 years ago, when i felt soo old and used up and useless, as i slowly died each day.

today, at 38, i stand on the same spot but only feel peace and joy and contentment now, for the life i have sought to live, with passion and tenderness and lots of mistakes, but a life truly of my own crafting, on my own terms now. life is just truly beginning for me now, in many ways, in all ways.

***

the kids and i are in a good place in our lives, at last,
at last.

God is sooooo good!!!

paolo, again

last weekend, paolo stayed up with me while i worked with some stuff on the pc. at 2am, he felt sleepy already, so i accompanied him in bed.

as he usually does, he asks me all these strange questions before falling off to sleep. this time, he asked me what a Presbyterian was. and i said it's somebody who goes to a Presbyterian church.

"why, ma, are there different kinds of churches?"

"yes, honey. there's the Catholic church, and the Baptist, and the Presbyterian, ..."

"how come there are different churches, ma, when we only have one God?"

i had to pause to think about that one.

"hmmmm... i guess they fight over how to worship God, honey. so to avoid fighting, they each build different churches."

"worshipping God is simple. i know how to do it."

"how, darling?"

"you just love and take care of God's creation. that's all. why do people have to fight about that?"

i kept quiet at that. half-thinking, half-falling asleep.

"i don't know honey, maybe other people have other ideas about worshipping God ... can we go to sleep now?"

"okay, ma...", but i peeked and i saw him still staring at the ceiling. i could hear the engines of his mind still abuzz with questions.

i just waited and dozed off my self.

then, he shook me and asked again--

"ma, when i grow up, can i build my own church too?"

: ) : ) : )

my midnight children

since the start of summer vacation (and even before, mostly on weekends) thea was the one who stayed up late till past midnight to work on her digital art and chat with her forum friends. with summer vacation, paolo joined her (especially when their cousin redd would be here) staying up late, playing, watching tv, drawing, or just doing anything that caught his fancy. (and raiding the refrigerator too!)

one time, when redd was here, and on the eve of his 8th birthday, paolo and redd stayed up all night playing. i found them at 6am, sitting on the roof, watching the sun come up. : ) i worried a bit that they were not able to sleep, but then thought that since there are no classes anyway, they could sleep during the day. i smiled watching them, though, remembering my own childhood, and the sneaking downstairs from the mezzanine floor of our store where we lived, the tiptoeing while holding my sister's hand in the dark, and going down to our store playing with stuff, eating stuff, feeling secretive and powerful, delighting in our midnight adventures...

for the last two nights now, bea has joined them, too.

the first time yesterday, paolo and bea went to bed at 6am already. i only knew it because they woke me up as they each snuggled on either side of me, moving my arms so, so they could be wrapped in them. i woke up to find thea still on the pc and asked her what got the two little ones so alive and hyper all night.

she said they played outside digging up rocks in the little garden, looking for worms and snails. they they'd run around playing hide and seek. thrice, they jumped into their little pool and frolicked and squealed and giggled. all at midnight and after.

today, i woke up (while paolo and bea just went to bed) to find a small rock outside our door, with a candle attached to it, and pieces of burnt matchsticks around it. i asked thea again what that was, what the little ones did. thea shook her head and giggled as she told me--

apparently, paolo and bea lit the candle, melted its bottom and stuck it on the rock. then they lighted the candle and took turns trying to fart, trying to find out if their farts could blow the candle flame away. : S

i shake my head, too, even as i grin at their antics and energies.

i think someday they will look back on these midnight moments of their lives, and shake their heads and grin, too, ... at the mom who let them just have their fun, and be who they are.

Happy Birthday, Mama!!!

Celebrating Mama, once again! : ) : ) : )

another quickening

while driving home at high noon today, my friend C tried to call me on my cellphone. i didnt answer it as i was driving.

when i got home, i was too tired and hungry that all i managed to do was eat lunch and then go straight to bed for a nap, before the children's party the kids and i were going to at 4pm. i turned off my phone.

at the party, though, i turned on my phone and reviewed my phone's messages again, and remembered returning C's missed call. so i did and asked her what it was about.

ooh wow.

i couldn't quite get the details of it but it seems like there's this group of investors putting up a big train tourism project in China, and part of their marketing strategy is to provide a children's tour book for the child passengers in them, and they want a children's book writer to do it, not in the usual tour-guidy way, but really as a children's book that captures children's imaginations and love for travel.

and, of course, my devoted friend, C, mentioned me. she told me she told them that she only knows one children's book author but this one's the best! : )

ooh, C, you are such a treasure!!!

so anyway, she asked for my permission for her to give them my number. i said, yes, of course, and even suggested that they contact me via email instead. i rarely answer my phone for calls because im usually otherwise occupied.

besides, i still have phone phobia. : )

brokenness, blessedness

i come home to find my self surprisingly alone, in a quiet house all by my self, with my thoughts and feelings clearer and louder than usual.

the ex took the kids' out for a birthday party at his family's house. even the maid went with them as little Bea won't go without her yaya.

so, even though i was looking forward to greeting the children when i got home, even mulling over the idea of a dinner out for Mothers' Day, especially since i left home early today to go to the peace center for my training class while they were still asleep, i also welcome this surprise private and holy time alone.

the training in communications skills ended today and i bring home with me the gifts of my students' heartfelt sharing of their lives and conflicts, even as we discussed how to communicate more effectively in conflict.

one particular young lady, L, touched me so. at the start, she was the least feminine of them all, dressing up in baggy clothes and acting like a tomboy, coming in late, all tough and cocksure. but gradually, i learned that at 24 years old, she has only finished fifth grade (although she registers in our roll as having finished second year high school) and has already three children, all sired by different fathers she never really knew. i also learned that she grew up in a very poor family of 14 children, her father an alcoholic, her mother trying to make ends meet by vending. she helps her mother by making and selling balut (a Filipino delicacy of boiled almost mature duck's egg) in the late evenings and early mornings. for a fifth grade level education, though, she spells English words perfectly, and has the more thoughtful questions and insightful answers. towards the end of the afternoon today, when we were discussing how most of our perceptions of our selves and of the world are brought about by how we were socialized in our homes, she shared that she hates her parents for bringing her up in this sorry world.

the girls were sharing how most of them forgot to greet their mothers earlier today, and how most of them felt uncomfortable about saying nice things to their moms, and L was sharing that she didn't even feel like a mother, how does a mother really feel? but she surprised us all, when, during a break, she went out for a while and came back with two pink flowers she picked outside to give to me and my co-trainor. i must have surprised her too, with my instant reaction-- i hugged her and kissed her happily, even as i could feel her tense up but accept my embrace and kiss still, though shyly.

later, i learned from the girls how they came from abusive homes, either verbally or physically, and how that's why they don't have much respect nor sympathies for their mothers, how even just saying "please" or "thank you" is unheard of in their world, where, as one other girl shared, they eat insults and beatings along with their meals, if they can eat a decent meal at home, when so many of them have to compete for food even.

at the end of our training, even as most of us felt teary-eyed at our parting, L, especially, was surprisingly giddy. even as some of her classmates still performed their skits, we let her be walking around, drawing on the board, writing "Thank YOU, Teachers, Happy Mothers' Day, We Love You!!!" and drawing happy faces and hearts all around and giggling.

i come home still thinking of L, and all the rest of the girls, with a fervent prayer that not only have they learned something from our training, but that what they learned they could take with them and use and better themselves and their lives, considering the odds already stacked up against them.

*****

from appearances alone, one never knows all the many people who hide so much broken-ness inside.

we were discussing in our class today how anger can be good, in that it tells us something-- how beneath all anger is pain, and beneath all that pain are unmet needs. so, that's why i got to learn about the students' experiences of anger and pain in their lives, too.

and so, i come home today pensive and humbled and awed at the same time, of how there is so much conflict and violence all around, when all around deep down, people are actually just hurting so bad, with no one to truly listen and understand.

i come home too feeling blessed, that despite the travails of my life and all its ups and downs and broken-ness, too, i have come to this good place at last, to this place of healing and wholeness, and how maybe i am being called now to help heal and nurture others to wholeness, too, with my just being who i am, and in the work that i do.

*****

without knowing about what i was going to learn today, i chose St. Francis of Assisi's Prayer to start today's session off.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your Peace
Where there is hatred, let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy...

Oh, Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled, as to console
To be understood, as to understand
To be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving, that we receive
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned
And it is in dying, that we are born to Life.

now i understand why my students were so seriously and earnestly praying our prayer today, and even copying it in their notebooks.

*****

P. S. i go into the bedroom with a happy surprise, though: on the bed, i find a piece of bond paper, with a pencil drawing of a little girl with Zzzzzsss all around her sleeping head, and a bigger lady in a long flowing gown, with a heart made of red glitter. beneath the picture are scrawled these letters--

Thank U Tooth fairy I lov U!

: ) : ) : )

news tidbits

i came home last night from the peace center where i conducted a training on basic communications skills for grassroots young women, feeling tired but satisfied and happy. the young ladies exceeded my expectations; they were not only vocal and participative, their eagerness to learn, their hunger for more knowledge and passion to better themselves and their lives touched me to the core. it was like being in the presence of something Sacred...

these young women are aged 18 to 30 who, because of poverty, were unable to finish high school. the peace center is providing them a one-year certificate course in conflict management and transformation and political participation, as well as a chance to qualify for a high school diploma, through these series of trainings. these young women attend the courses on weekends, as on weekdays, most of them work as housemaids, salesclerks, etc. or just stay at home helping out.

i learned with them as they learned with me. times like these make me feel blessed i am in the kind of work im in.

*******

i got 6 missed calls on my cellphone while i was at the peace center the whole day yesterday. when i checked, the missed calls were from home, so i promptly called back.

it was little Bea who called.

she just wanted to tell me her first tooth fell off yesterday. : )

so last night, we made a ceremony of wrapping her precious tooth in tissue paper and placing it under her pillow. before falling off to sleep, she asked me if the tooth fairy leaves her fairy dust behind, and i said, maybe...

this morning, the first thing i did upon waking up was to take out a twenty-peso bill from my wallet and exchange it for her tissue paper-wrapped tooth under her pillow. i told Thea about it and Bea's question last night.

our responsible big sister promptly mixed some red glitter with baby powder, and sprinkled it under her pillow and around Bea's toys and art materials under the bed. : ) : ) : )

*******

paolo came home last night from a day out with his dad at his taekwondo competition. Thea and I were worried why it was taking him so long to come home; we thought he must have been having a grueling day at the competition and wondered if he won.

paolo won alright! when his opponent saw him put on his helmet and leather vest and assume his fighting stance, the opponent backed out.

our little hero won his first competition through intimidation.

: ) : ) : )

on the right track!

see what i got from my emails today---

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Where your mind is
+++++++++++++++++++

What do you think about your current situation? What do you think about the possibilities that are available to you at this moment?

What you think has a direct and undeniable connection to what you do. So it pays to keep your mind focused on the highest and the best.

Where your mind is right now is where your life will soon be. The thousands of thoughts that you think each day provide the stage upon which you perform.

The outer performance is driven by the inner thoughts. Thoughts of confidence, effectiveness, strength and positive achievement will lead to truly great performances.

Consider all the things you say to yourself as every day goes along. Each one is an opportunity for you to direct your mind in precisely the way you choose.

Use all your thoughts, the little ones, the big ones, and all the rest, to put your mind in a positive, empowering place. Enjoy the journey as your great thoughts lead you surely and steadily to greatness.

Ralph Marston
............................................................................
This is the Daily Motivator email edition. Copyright (C) 2006 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved. Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an archiveof more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.


it's a constant struggle with one's self, using one's will on disciplining one's thoughts... but i know why.

this is why.

my children and i deserve no less.

win some, lose some, gain all anyway

even though i only had 9 pesos left yesterday, funds came in today from my university pay and an unexpected mothers' day gift from a friend. so life goes on again, although it slowed down as the funds dwindled in the recent few days. : ) so what, the kids and i are still here, happy and thriving. at the very least, we've learned never to measure our joys by the amount of money in my wallet. : )

still anyway, today would seem like a win some, lose some day. to avoid unnecessary splurging (a very strong feeling i usually have after the inner tension of waiting out a few days with very little funds before the money flows in again), ive started really listing down funds inflow-based budgets, little budgets tied up to when a specific expected amount of money comes in, instead of the usual monthly budget i used to do. so anyway, i had already drawn up a budget for the funds coming in today.

but another challenge for me, aside from the anxiety of living with diminishing funds and unfinished To Dos, is to take the changes gracefully when things don't go according to budget (are we noticing a running thread of control issues here? : > hmmmmmm.....), and that is exactly what happened today.

first, i went to the bank to claim paolo's atm card which was eaten by the machine when i tried to withdraw his little 500 pesos savings from it last night (i asked to borrow it when the funds started running really low), only to find out that his account has been closed, that's why the card was eaten up, because his money was below maintaining balance!!! : O

i didn't know that because that was not explained to me when we opened his account. i specifically told my banker friend that it was to be his savings account, and if we could only open 500 pesos, and they said yes. they even "protected" it by tying it to my regular savings account, so the separate maintaining balance for his account was not clear to me.

anyway, my real issue with this was it was heartbreaking to have paolo learn that the money he worked so hard to save was just eaten up by bank charges! thea was there with me at the bank and we decided not to tell paolo, but that i would just give him my own 500 pesos when he asks for his money. we remembered how paolo skipped a lot of snacks at school just so he could see his name on an atm card... and how he grinned and was soo happy when he finally got one a few months ago!

so anyway, this happens... i could still talk to my banker friend at the bank where we opened his account and clarify things further, but this is really a bummer on our day which was starting out to be celebratory with the funds coming in. : (

***

part of my To Do and budget item for today was to finally go to the Sony center to have the kids' Playstation II repaired, after their cousin accidentally got the wires entangles on her leg and brought the entire thing down to the floor at Palmas last time.

my budget for the repair was only 500 as i thought it would just be a mechanical job, to have the cd holder function again. however, it turned out that more damage was caused and some computer chip unit inside had to be replaced... so the amount turned out to be P2100! : (

when thea learned of it, she cursed under her breath (or what would amount to cursing for her : >) for her cousin's carelessness. i coaxed her to get over it because it's no use staying stuck on the anger. i told her that let's just look at it as payment for a lesson learned. same with paolo's P500 payment for a bank lesson learned.

sigh.

***

we come home tonight, though, happy with our day at the mall, and the little ones with their new coloring and activity books. i check my email to find one good news at least-- the online peace journalism course ive signed up for and have been accepted to not only agreed to give me until sept. 20 to make the tuition payment ( with A agreeing yesterday for our peace project to pay for it!), but that the tuition for non-OECD countries lowered from 250 Euros to just 150 Euros!!!

with the 100 Euro "savings", that more than makes up for the little "losses" today! thank God!!! : D

then, too, with the precious painful lessons learned, plus the thought that at least, our "losses" are some other people's gain (we hope the money that goes to the bank and the repair people and Sony helps improve lives!), then we don't really lose in the long run, after all.

: )

yes, it's all in the mind and how you look at it.

(and for us, it's a survival skill too-- we've got to think this way so we will not be dragged down by the negativity again!!!)

anxiety

i woke up feeling anxious.

i had meant to stay up late last night to finish checking my students' papers, but instead, after showering and lying in bed just winding down and relaxing, i fell asleep. : (

i slept so deeply i woke up at 6am already, which is beyond my "normal" waking time of 2-3am.

and so, as soon as i got up, like a robot, i proceeded to the bundle of papers left on the table for marking.

the more i marked, though, the more i felt anxious about the soo many things to do today and which i haven't prepared well for last night -- the newspaper fullpage ad one of our university's top brass asked me to do yesterday and due today, my meeting with my co-trainor this afternoon for this weekend's basic communication skills training for grassroots... sigh.

im thinking now of not meeting my classes yet; i don't like meeting them when i am not so prepared. besides, they still have their group assignment in our class to finish too. so it might be more mutually beneficial for us to meet next week already (we don't meet tomorrow for their Summer Splash activity at a far-away beach resort).

but then, there's this accusing voice inside me hissing, "Slacker!!! No-good lazy, slacker!!! You're a fake! You don't really have what it takes to be good! You're no good! Slacker, slacker, slacker!!!

sigh.

so there i was, marking papers with increasing panic and dread for the day, until i couldn't take it anymore, so i went to the pc instead to distract my self and to get the panic level down to manageable level.

as has been my habit now, i proceeded to check my "vitamin pill" emails from J, a very very good and special friend who somehow manages to erase my blues away everytime i hear from him or see him.

that helped a lot. : )

feeling a lot better now, i proceeded to check the business emails and process requests and orders there. i know that accomplishing something, ticking one item off my To Do list, no matter how small that thing is, helps in boosting confidence and energies, and chases more of the blues and panic attacks away.

and it did.

i thought to check my other regular email but then the screen froze so i had to restart the pc. between restarting and now, in the quiet stillness of this early morning alone while the kids are still asleep, i managed to face my anxiety again and look at it gently, compassionately, lovingly this time.

i haven't done my regular meditations since the Vios came (: D), with all the excitement a new life with a new car brings. heehee. it somehow had a domino effect on all the other areas of my life, things working out, other plans and Intentions falling through and manifesting too, people and situations surprisingly conforming, acquiescing to my every desire, as if i've suddenly acquired the Midas touch.

still, for the last 3 or so weeks i haven't meditated, despite all the positive energies and excitement, i've also fallen back to my old modes of anxiety and panic attacks when little things didn't go as planned-- like funds dwindling before the next infuse comes in, and things still left undone at the end of a busy, productive day.

the good thing about this, though, is that, now, because of my meditations before, i have become more self aware, and so now, i was able to pinpoint the exact cause of my anxiety and panic attacks, right on the dot when they would actually spring up.

i worked with my anxious feelings about money these last few days and i feel proud of my self for being able to work it through. nobody knew i was walking around with only 9 pesos in my wallet yesterday! (: D) mainly because i didn't feel it nor look it.

so now, i will work on my anxious feelings with my remaining To Dos.... but i am working more gently and lovingly with my self now. i used to have these really horrid self-bashing thoughts; now, i look at the things left undone, and why i wasn't able to do them (tiredness from doing so much so well already), and i feel compassion and love for my self, for all my efforts and the good things i do manage to get done, instead of focusing on the things still left undone.

i am learning to just stay with the anxiety until it passes, meanwhile doing productive, self-loving diversions like what i did this morning. i am learning, too, to really prioritize and value activities and the people i associate with, postponing the less important ones for the more, delaying some activities in favor of more significant ones, and seeing it as really focusing more of my attention and energies now to things that really matter to me in the long term, despite the many distractions and requests and impositions on my time, attention and energies.

most of all, because of my meditation experiences before, and my non-meditation experiences now, i am seeing how important and self-loving practicing my meditations regularly really is, because i can more clearly compare and see the difference now.

lately, i have been back to my pattern of a rush of energies in the morning tapering off towards noon and declining by early evening, compared with my 20-hour rush of energies and 4-hour really deep and relaxed sleep before when i regularly meditated.

so starting last monday, i have actually re-started my meditations again, going for the full strength the first time, and half-strength yesterday, listening only to meditation music in the background while i worked.

it is not so much unconscious overhwhelm coming up but my having become more self-aware to recognize my blocks and self-defeating attitudes and behaviors that have always been there but which i only "see" clearly now, like this current challenge with living with my anxieties.

Writing as a Sacred Journey

From "Writing the Sacred Journey," by Elizabeth J. Andrew:

You can only discover why a story matters by telling or writing it. Even then the story’s reason for emerging remains a mystery. Perhaps you have seen the evidence that a story can have a will of its own. You begin with the intention of writing about your meditation teacher’s soothing voice and end up describing your grandmother’s bedtime songs and what a terrible loss you felt when your family moved far away from her. Your job as memoirist is to listen to what your stories tell you. It’s only through revision and contemplation that you learn that your grandmother is at the center of the story, and that she taught you to trust the quiet moment before sleep. We think we know our stories, but in fact, they have a tremendous capacity to surprise and teach us. Work long enough with a memory and it will exert its silent, irascible will.

When I consider the value that Western culture places on material things; when I encounter advertising’s perpetual message that we need to change ourselves to be acceptable, happy, or loved; and when I notice how difficult it is to squeeze a walk into my day or to quiet my mind’s perpetual chatter, I see that the spiritual life itself has become marginalized, even oppressed. So many demands run roughshod over the soul’s needs that we often forget those needs exist. The activities that most nourish the spirit (play, affection, generosity, contemplation, quiet, beauty, creativity, truth-telling, time in nature) are least valued in a consumer society. Spending a morning with a pen and notepad, traversing the landscape of memory and searching for the sacred, is a profoundly countercultural activity. No wonder the impulse to probe the spiritual life with language presses against so many people’s hearts. That neglected dimension of self is rebelling—insisting that its story come into the light.

Writing, then, becomes a way of attending to life’s submerged currents.

celebratory

that's what ive been feeling these days.

well, i have reason to. for instance, tomorrow's paolo's 8th birthday and im having fun preparing for his lunch party with my family and his cousins from my side at Palmas del Mar, plus our overnight stay there with his cousins aia and redd, and, of course, his sisters. : )

and yes, there's the Vios. there's the new car itself to celebrate about, and then there's more than just the car. coming from where i've been and my efforts at serious manifesting since December, my Vios now means a lot, an every day reminder of the powers of prayer and gratitude and the mind, and how there's more magic to life than we see and know, if only we allow ourselves to enter into its mysteries and be a willing and sincere acolyte to it...

given this, lately, there has been a sort of quickening too, in my other manifesting goals or Intents. things are suddenly happening, manifesting, so fast, i can barely keep up, although i run along happily and in a state of awe and wonder despite my sudden confusion too...

work is good. im on a roll. im having a really good and dynamic learning experience with my only class of students this summer; there are many changes of positions at work, but whether the movements are up or down, i am okay, with friends who respect me and whom i respect, everywhere. so, work flows easily for me where others find only barriers and glass ceilings. i am still soo blessed.

then, of course, there's my and my children's good health, and J... and the love of my children and family. priceless and irreplaceable. this alone is cause for celebration enough!

thank You, God, for all the blessings we have received, all the blessings we are receiving, and all the blessings coming our way!!!

simple joys

blissfully sloooow morning here.

woke up at 7:30am to a very quiet household as the kids were still asleep from having stayed up all night.

started checking and answering emails even in my just-woke-up half-awake state, while listening to relaxation and meditation music in the background. just me, alone, with my thoughts. : )

remembered to text my brother, T, to please ask the bakery staff to buy the 4 sets of newspapers i need for my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies project paper, for today until monday, so i don't have to go downtown and waste precious gas, time, effort just for those. T happily obliged, even as he asked me, too, to send him a copy of my project paper proposal he can use as a guide for his own paper.

i look up to find that three and a half hours have passed since then! : O three and a half hours just for checking emails, huh. but then again, in that span of time, i have done business stuff for my mom, for my students and even for the peace journ project.

i will have breakfast now. : ) lunch to follow later in the afternoon.

i look forward to a surprisingly slow and "spacey" weekend, with only two to three To Dos in my list, and a lot of time and space for me, just enjoying life and work and home and kids and self.

thank God for small blessings like these too!

oh, just stuff

even without her saying so, im feeling my cousin Lee Hua breathing down on my neck again for not updating my blogs... and even Mama, too... : ) so, for love of family, here goes.

the quick answer to the unspoken "how are you? how come there's no update in your blogs?" is-- ohh, nothing special or intense. just stuff. everyday stuff.

so, here is my "every day stuff" these days of summer vacation here:

mondays to fridays until may 26, i have one teaching class in Business Communications at 10am to 12noon.

monday and thursday mornings, thea goes with me in the car on my way to work, for her voice lessons a block away from the university.

tuesday and thursday afternoons at 1:30 p.m., paolo and bea go with me for their art lessons at the mall.

monday, wednesday and friday afternoons, it's paolo who goes with me for his taekwondo lessons at the mall.

wednesday and sunday afternoons, i also have my peace journalism project meetings at the peace center. yup, that't the project that earns me another 200 Euro starting this month. : )

afternoons, too, im supposed to spend working on the university catalogue (but mostly working from home), and documenting a writer's workshop next week, which ive been assigned to by the university bigwigs.

life is easier, sweeter... especially with the new car. : )

i only realize now how stressed out ive been before, when i am about to start the car, and i have to make a conscious effort to remember that im not praying now for the car to start but thanking God that we have an almost brand new car which starts without a problem!

while driving around, too, i still tense up whenever i shift gears or shift my pressure on the pedals.... there is still that almost automatic anxiety welling up from inside of me, anxiety that in the next instant, the car would just sputter and stop again, as if it were still the old car i was driving. it takes me a few moments to consciously remind my self that it's a new car now, and i only need to relax and breathe easy again.

up until now, i didn't know that one can also have post-traumatic stress syndrome from having a new car! : O

heeheee...

ohh, i haven't stopped writing, but ive been mainly writing in my diaries again.

there's that need, i guess, to momentarily step back, and keep my own thoughts just to my self.. cocooning my self from the world for a while, so i can come back later on with more richness, more depth, more insights, more gifts to share.

paolo's birthday is coming up on the 29th, and with the butterfly commission that's coming, plus some funds saved up, we're planning to spend his birthday overnight at Palmas del Mar Beach Club. paolo asked his father for a birthday party with his boy cousins from his father's side, at his father's sister's house near Palmas del Mar... and i thought it would be a good idea for the girls and paolo to spend an overnight little vacation at the beach club. while the kids have their party at my ex sister-in-law's house, i have my private alone time at the beach club swimming, or reading, or just relaxing as i pleased. : )

i have a colleague and mentor at work who's a member of the club and he offered to take us there to introduce me to the staff, so i can avail of discounts using their family's membership card. thank God for good friends; the kids and i get to enjoy the good life through the generosity of good people!

because of my lighter work load this summer, i am able to spend more hours in the early mornings just meditating, or walking, or doing my writing projects, when the kids are all still asleep from having stayed up late the night before.

in the evenings, i sleep earlier, just because the kids have the run of the house, and the computers, and the tv... so i take my beauty rest instead. : )

but tonight, i steeled my self to stay up later, to do work on the family business, and the peace journalism project... and later on, when the kids finally fall asleep, to finish up writing an institutional research report due tomorrow.

there's an increased feeling of confidence and security and serenity now, with the new car. not just because of the new car, but because of how it came to us....

so manifesting principles do work. wowwww. and for this first major manifesting exercise that's worth half a million pesos free , it took only 4 months! : O

wowww...!!!

***

see?

just everyday sweet stuff... : ) at last.

God is sooo good!!!

How Our Vios Came to Us

When our old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer started conking out on us late last year, I started seriously praying and manifesting for a new car.
I thought I'd want a more spacious, red one, that didn't need the maintenance headaches I was having with my old car-- that was my bottomline requirement. At that time, the Toyota Innova had just hit the market and I thought I wanted something quite like it.

So, I researched the Innova at Toyota's website and downloaded a picture of a red Innova for my desktop. Then when I'd see a Toyota Innova on the streets, I'd smile at it, as if in greeting and recognition, and say a secret prayer, "Thank You, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!" : )

This begun last December, 2005. But, over four months, it has gotten to be such a habit that even just seeing the Toyota logo anywhere automatically prompts me to smile and thank for the Toyota coming our way. : ) I wasn't in a hurry; in fact, I was having fun.

I didn't care nor worry anymore about how it will come about; I just trusted that it will, in time, when it is right.

At around the same time, my brother, T, felt sorry for my frequent car troubles, especially after he learned that the kids and I would frequently absent ourselves from school and work when the car conked out, as we couldn't afford the extra P300 a day taxi budget for commutes, in addition to the car trouble costs. He broached to Papa about helping us out with a new secondhand car, and Papa said yes, with an express maximum budget of only 100k.

Last Wednesday, April 12, when my brother, T, took Papa out to see a 1995 Kia that they could buy for me given Papa's budget, Papa was riveted to this Toyota Vios instead. It is funny that the Kia they were intending to buy was owned by somebody who wanted this Vios, that's why he was selling the Kia to add to his funds for this Vios. But when Papa saw and test drove this Vios, he decided to get it instead, even if it was four times way above his intended budget. He paid for it in cash. Knowing how very strict and cost conscious Papa is, this in itself is already a miracle!!!

Prayers do get answered, in God's own ways, and dreams do come true.

I got the almost brand new (only 10 months used) red, spacious car I prayed for, indeed, and in just four months!!!

Thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come our way!!!

Expand Your Mind

RealAge tip of the day:

Maximize your brainpower with meditation. Meditation may stimulate the growth of brain tissue and reduce cognitive decline sometimes associated with aging. In a small study, people who meditated exhibited increased thickness in brain regions involved in attention and sensory perception compared to people of the same age who did not meditate. Take a few minutes every morning and evening to calm your mind and focus your thoughts.

Meditation has long been known to affect brain wave activity. Now new research suggests it changes brain structure as well. In a small study, researchers found that long-term practitioners of a certain type of meditation had thicker brain tissue in certain areas of the brain. Thinning brain tissue has been associated with age-related cognitive dysfunction, including poor attention and sensory awareness. The research suggests meditation may be one way to fight brain aging. In addition, eating foods rich in omega-3 fats, exercising regularly to boost circulation, and engaging in mentally challenging activities -- such as learning a new language or completing crossword puzzles -- will help to keep you mentally sharp.

References:

Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., McGarvey, M., Quinn, B. T., Dusek, J. A., Benson, H., Rauch, S. L., Moore, C. I., Fischl, B., NeuroReport 2005 Nov 28;16(17):1893-1897.

Life's Twists and Turns

this morning, i woke up with no car, as the old ancient one i've got is in the mechanic's shop again (for the umpteenth time this month!) for repairs.

tonight, i am going to sleep with a new car in the garage, all mine. : )

***
when my brother, T, broached to papa about helping me out with a new car, he said yes, after long deliberation, and only with a fixed budget of 100k for a secondhand car.

today, T and papa presented to me an almost brand-new (only 10 months used) car, four times papa's initial budget, all paid for in cash, all mine!!! : D

thank God for T and papa!!!

thank God for the love of family!!!

ohhhhh, the kids and i can't stop grinning from ear to ear as we contemplate our new car.

ooohhh, we are taking our grins to bed, and to dreamland, and back to wakinglang again, where dreams do indeed come true!!! : )

***

remember how i envisioned for a Toyota Innova?

well, this one comes close, in the same Toyota family. : ) : ) : ) a nice start in manifesting successfully!!!

***

thea asked how the car was presented to me.

i was in the mall when T texted asking where i was. i said i was in the grocery section, shopping. he said he and papa were in the vicinity and would like to drop by, and for me to wait for them. i said ok.

then, after a while, he texted me again saying they were in the mall entrance now, where was i? i said i was still doing groceries. could i send thea over to meet them at the entrance? T insisted, no, i must come to the entrance my self, as papa needed help getting out of their car and going up the stairs. so i rushed to the mall entrance.

and there, right in front of me, was parked this sparkling red Toyota Vios, with T at the driver's seat. : ) my heart skipped a bit, but i thought it was just a car they were showing me for a test drive. i asked where papa was, he said he's in the parking lot in his own car. i asked who owns this car? he said, "you."

: ) : ) : )

ooh how i hugged him right then and there and jumped around and enthused. then i ran to papa in the parking lot and hugged him tight too and jumped around and enthused.

i like what thea said after i told her all this and she commented how people must've found it strange seeing somebody run around hugging men and jumping around in glee, especially somebody prim and poised like me. : )

she said, "you should get used to more hugging and jumping around, ma. more wonderful things are coming to us yet."

: ) : ) : )

isn't that grand of my 13yearold daughter???

***

oohhhhh group HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS to us all!!!

this is a happy, happy, happy day!!!

A Pat on the Back

Amen, and Amen, and Amen!!!

i've been doing it right all along, and not because of some tips from a book or an article i've read, but from my own decisions about my priorities and experiences.... i really shouldn't bash my self too much when things get out of control.... i am actually doing things right and well enough, given the constraints i have to live with....

*****

Single Parent Tips

PerfectMatch

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Question of the Week: I have recently become a single mother. The father of my five-year-old is no longer around, and I am having an extremely difficult time adjusting to being the only parent in the family. Financially, I am struggling, but more so I am worried that I am shortchanging my daughter because I don’t have a lot of time with her anymore. But it seems like I just don’t have any other choice because I have to work all the time and take care of other family matters. I am really at a loss of how to balance my job as a mom and as a provider. How do other single parents do it?

“In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.” Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer

Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, so what can make it even more difficult? Try being a single parent. It is reported that approximately one-third of all American families are headed by a single parent family, either because of divorce, parents who never married, widowhood or intentional single parenthood. Raising children without the help of a second parent poses an entirely new set of challenges, but nevertheless, it is still possible to maintain a loving and constructive family home in the face of single parenting.

Accept the Facts

A single parent has no other choice but to take the responsibility that comes along with their double-duty role, regardless of the circumstances that surrounded becoming a single parent (besides, you don’t have time to live in denial land). Taking responsibility in single parenting means:

• Getting rid of the bitterness you have for your circumstances and the blame you have for yourself or the other parent.
• Not allowing yourself to feel guilty for things that are out of your control but only for those things that you know you can and should change.
• Accepting that there will be more difficulties you’ll encounter being a single parent, like having the pressure to be the sole provider or the limited amount of time you’ll have left over for a social life or for focusing on yourself. You have to always be solution-oriented rather than dwelling on the problems or whining about them.
• Losing the self-pity and replacing it with a feeling of empowerment for what you are capable of doing as just one person.

Time Management

The majority of your time must be given to your children. It’s simply unfair to a child who already lacks a second parent to have other priorities that come first. A single parent’s biggest struggle is typically financially, which means juggling a job, sometimes two or three, while still spending a lot of quality time with the children. You have to stay organized, live and breathe by a schedule and always be prepared for anything.

Don’t Try to be Both Parents

If you’re a single mother of a boy, you understand the nuances of trying to teach your male child how to become a man. If you’re a single father of a girl, you know how frustrating it is to discuss menstruation or to talk to her about boys. While you may feel like you have to be both mother and father to your children, it is, in theory, pretty impossible. There are certain innate things that mothers and fathers can offer their children individually, a lot of it simply due to the nature of the sexes.

Rather than thinking in terms of replacing whichever parent is missing, you have to do two things. First, focus on what skills and wisdom you can individually offer your child. Second, find someone in your life or your child’s life of the opposite sex who can serve as a sort of proxy for the missing adult (and not necessarily a boyfriend or girlfriend).

Maybe it’s your child’s grandfather who can give your son good examples of what it means to be a man, or your daughter’s female basketball coach who can serve as a mentor. Make sure you have a strong support network in your child’s life which may fill the void of a missing parent. Even move in with your parents if possible. The more quality people your child has in your life beside you, the better they will fare.

Be Realistic about the Other Parent

Depending on how you came to be a single parent and how involved the other parent may or may not be, you always have to be realistic about the situation, especially with the children. Parents who are simply distant figures in the child’s life don’t matter at all if they’re not involved. A primary single parent can’t force the other parent to be an active parent and shouldn’t force a child to be in their estranged parent’s life if the parent doesn’t want to be involved. As a single parent, you should always do what you need to do to protect your child first.

Breaking the Downward Spiral

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Break the negative momentum
+++++++++++++++++++

Many obstacles don't even need to be there. They can
disappear as soon as you turn your attention toward
something more positive.

Some of the difficult problems you face are mostly of your
own creation. Just as you created them, you can let them go
and they are gone.

Certainly there are very real difficulties that you must
address in the course of your life and your work. Yet many
of the burdens under which you labor have been built up over
time by your own thoughts and habits.

What seems to be a big problem may actually be a very small
and easily resolved issue that your mind has made into a
monster. Stop focusing on how bad it is and start focusing
on something positive that you can do in response.

That can quickly cut it down to a manageable size, or even
eliminate the problem altogether. Once you break the
negative momentum that your mind has established, things
will soon look a whole lot better.

It's important to effectively address the challenges that
come along, yet there is no need to blow them out of
proportion. Keep your focus on the good you can do, on the
value you can create, and most of the difficulties will be
far less difficult.

Ralph Marston

............................................................................
This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2006 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an
archive
of more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.

cleansing times

i knew it! times like these which i couldn't make heads nor tails of despite my best efforts (i am feeling like Alice in Wonderland these days) are just just another one of those cleansing, purifying times...

from Astronet daily personal horoscope today:

You have limitless potential, but you need to get past some old blocks and inhibitions that leave you feeling trapped in the same situations. The stars' purifying energy helps you shed the old and welcome the new.

overwhelm

Definition:

[v] charge someone with too many tasks [v] overcome by superior force [v] cover completely or make imperceptible; "I was drowned in work"; "The noise drowned out her speech" [v] overcome, as with emotions or perceptual stimuli

that's what im feeling today. and it's not so much overwhelmed by big, life-changing events either (somehow, i do fine with those); it's the little things suddenly attacking you all at once when you're not particularly feeling thick-skinned in the first place.

first, it was the car that refused to start, again... only to find out when the mechanic came to the house to check it that it ran out of gas. (BLUSHHH!!!!)

but then, i reported to him that i found it strange how, when i opened the front cover to refill the radiator water, i saw the carburetor top removed from its place; could it really have just popped out by itself?

it was when he checked it that he found water leaking from some pewter part, which now needed a welding job done. sigh.

***

i thought payday would be today, because of the holy week holidays, but when i checked my account online, the funds hadn't come in yet.

thank God for my brother, T, who quickly just lent me P1500 when i requested for it, no questions asked.

but half the amount quickly went to the mechanic for repairs and more gas, while P250 went to the laudrywoman who came back today for her wages, because i told her to come back monday as my pay might have come by then.

***

i texted my sister if she could pick paolo up when she brought her son, redd, to taekwondo class, as we had no car.

i waited, and waited, and waited. for no reply. :(

waiting for nothing can be stressful too!

when taekwondo class came, i decided to break my nap and take paolo to the mall where the class was held, by taking the tricycle. but then, the two girls wanted to go with us to the mall too, for a break, and i thought id spend my remaining 500 on some nice snacks for them, and treat ourselves to some special ice cream. i thought id do what i can to make my self feel better, at least.

***

at the mall, i saw my sister and she greeted me nonchalantly. which further upset me.

apparently, she never received my message... or received my message only a little later even as we were talking.

she looked more harassed and beseiged than i was feeling, and asked if she could leave her kids with me, so she could go home to sleep.

what else could i say but say yes? she was still my sister after all.

but then, i quickly calculated my remaining budget to treat the kids and i out, and changed my mind. with her kids with us, too, it will either be snacks now, but not the dinner they like later; or no snacks now, but the dinner they like later.

so i spent my remaining 500 shopping for the kids' favorite dinner items.

sigh.

***

while waiting for the boys to finish their taekwondo lessons, and the girls just browsing through the children's book club, i sat in a corner and texted T again if i could borrow another 500 for tomorrow if my pay doesn't come.

it took a loong time for him to reply; he replied only when the kids and i were already home.

so while there, in my corner, anxious and waiting again, i sighed and wept quietly.

***

i wondered if this was just another phase im going into as i go deeper in my meditations. there is also such a thing as "overwhelm" in meditative practice. as one goes deeper, deeper unresolved issues come out for cleansing... and i wondered if this is what is happening to me.

it almost feels like deja vu, a replay of the anxious states id go into because of very tight funds during the early days of the sep. but compared to then, my funds are not so tight now; i have money from several sources coming in-- i just need finetuning with the timing and my budget.

then, too, i remembered my strange dream earlier today.

i was in a chamber, a vault-like small room with an oven in it. i saw money, wads of bills, about to be burned, so i quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket. i felt guilty for stealing it but then, i thought it was better used in my pocket than being burned. then, i saw that along with the money were my things-- my bag, some stuff i usually carry around with me, a pen or two. i let those be burned instead.

in the dream, i went around carrying my wads of money in my pocket but feeling very heavy and very guilty for having stolen it, so i didnt get to spend it either. i was anxious, looking around, afraid that someone might recognize me as the thief and send me to the gallows to be hanged. (archaic terms, but that's how the dream felt like!)

it was only later in the dream, when i was about to wake up, that i realized that the money could have been mine in the first place!!! why else would it be found among my bag and stuff? how could i be a thief when i "stole" my own money??? silly me.

even while ending the dream, i was analyzing already. i remember telling my self to record this all in my blog, to remember all of this for my learning and self-growth. and the two words that remained with me when i woke up were: "heavy". and "guilt".

***

recalling it now, i think that my dream was telling me something about my attitude towards money and abundance... some deeper, inner emotions about money and abundance that need to come up...

i think it was telling me how i am still so closed, so blocked, to receiving my own Abundance.

***

so maybe, yes, today is an "overwhelm" day... because it is caused by an "Overwhelm" day, in the meditative sense of the word.

life, again

for two days now, i have been trying to put my finger on it, figure out what caused my almost instant psychic whack last friday evening, but i still can't really define what it is, although i have a sense of how it's been making me feel.

nope, no error sponsoring thoughts this time, although a lot of negative error thoughts sprouted soon after, especially during the whole day after that evening!

i've been going around for almost 4 weeks now, coasting, cruising along on my newfound equilibrium and sense of centeredness and joy and abundance of energies from having hit a rhythmic pace with my meditations. it has contributed greatly to my becoming more personally effective at work, doing more work in less time, but with even better quality, just because the old blocks of guilt-tripping and stressing out over things left undone seem to have magically evaporated! so with clarity and focus now, i am able to operate "in my zone", without angst, driving full steam ahead now, unlike the driving with the handbrakes on mode before.

last friday, i spent the whole day finishing up correcting papers and encoding scores, so i could come up with grades in MS Excel, to beat the 5:30p.m. deadline for the List of Failures. i did beat the deadline, at 5:25 p.m., and i felt mighty proud of my self for not only coming up with the List, but even managing to already prepare my grades well in advance of the april 19 deadline!

i came home suddenly pooped though, with numbers swimming in my head. so i decided to shower and lie down to rest, while waiting for dinner.

soon enough, though, little Bea came whining into the bedroom, upset that she couldn't find her art kit.

i let the whining pass over me for a while, until i couldn't take it anymore after i've made a few suggestions on where to look for it and each time, she would come back whining even more that it isn't there. i got fed up and stormed out of the room looking for it my self, just to stop her whining. soon enough, i found it hidden in a stack of toy chests, and i went on and on angry at the world for making me do too much for too many people, even when i already badly needed to rest.

she immediately quieted down, as well as the whole household too. i rarely get angry but when i storm, everyone knows not to say or do anything anymore lest it will further fuel my fire.

i went back to bed feeling guilty, though. bea did try to look for her art kit, in all the places i suggested. she was upset and tired, too, from all the looking.

i tried sleeping it off, but i only managed hot tears instead.

then, a colleague in the project i was working on texted, saying that a professor of ours in my MA class wanted to meet with me about my grades in the subject i just submitted my assignments for.... i knew in my gut that wasn't what he wanted to meet me about; we already had our grades ( i got a 95) and even passed the comprehensive exams. this is a professor i had an uncomfortable feeling about right from the start, as i sensed there was something more in the way he looked at me...

ooh well, anyway, i texted back my colleague saying that i was calling off my meeting with her the next morning because i hadn't finished the database i was supposed to turn over to her yet (i hadn't). but somehow, our messages turned to talking about the professor and why he wanted to meet me, urgently, and alone, and i ended up admitting that half of my reluctance to meet with her (i've postponed our meetings twice in a row already) was because i dreaded meeting this professor right after my meeting with her, as the idea they'd somehow hit upon was that he'd meet with me right after my meeting with my colleague.

anyway, to make a long story short, and a story id rather not elaborate on, she assured me that it wasn't anything personal at all (although she teased me about it before my revelation), which made me start doubting my self.

i was already at a low point that night from the incident with bea, and now, this.

so it started with those two incidents, but the next day, saturday, and until today, i am still feeling out of sorts, like whacked on the head to bring me to my senses and to the present reality of my not so perfect not so orderly not so always happy world. the whole day saturday, i spiralled down into a state of self-doubt and even self-loathing. i finally looked at the pictures thea downloaded from the digicam and into the computer, and i actually hated all the pictures with me in it! i was aware of the self-bashing thoughts going around in my head-- too fat, too ugly, wrinkles (laughlines) here, too old, what am i doing with these smart, gorgeous, beautiful children of mine?

i wanted to write about it in my journal but i couldnt even bring my self to do it! everything was confusing and dark and hazy; i decided to sleep early instead, hoping it'd just go away when i wake up. i remember thinking, though, as i fell asleep, that in confusing times like this, the best advice is always to go slow, and take even better care of me. and the thought consoled me, at least. so i showered slowly and lovingly, changed into sleep clothes, and went to sleep.

i am glad J was there to cheer me up and chase my blues away when i woke up. : ) thank God for J!

so today, i felt better, even as there is still this lingering sense of heaviness, of being mortal, and ordinary, and inconsequential...

it didn't help that in trying to cheer me up, my mom told me how my brother felt sorry for me, for my having to take care of three little ones and keep mind, heart, body and soul together for us all, all on my own. it should've touched me (it did), but it also bothered me to know that all this time, my family just feels sorry for me?! when i didnt even think of my self that way, not for a long while anyway, since my marriage broke down. ive always felt proud of my self and how ive handled all the challenges of my life so far, with grit and grace and fire and spirit, never compromising my integrity and highest ideals, despite severe limitations and not much support from other people. i would have liked to think that my family thought and felt for me that way, too... : (

writing about this now, im sure they do. i must just be hypersensitive these days. heck, maybe, the professor has purely academic intentions too, even, and i am just being overly imaginative again. (or am i? my gut reaction is not so much at an imaginative level, but at a feeling level!... and my gut feelings have never really failed me before, even if all appearances show the contrary..!)

sigh!!!

***

what i got from AstroCenter.com's personal horoscope in my email today made me both flinch (touche!) and smile (sheepishly) --

Emotionally you may be feeling a bit down, due to a nagging weightiness that has you pinned down to reality instead of letting you fly up in the clouds where you'd like to be, Jean. As a result, you may find yourself acting out in an effort to prove to yourself and others that you are somehow above all earthly things. Get over the mental block that tells you that being grounded is a bad thing. Planting your feet firmly on terra firma is how you find balance and attain the things that you want in this lifetime.

strange things

a strange thing happened to me today because i had no car...

click here for the story. : )

"be good to me, be good to me..."

ive been very good these days, doing my meditations and reaping the benefits by working with focus and incredible energies from as early as 4am straight to as late as 11pm! as a result, ive been able to accomplish much, ticking off items from my To Do list in an almost regular, rhythmic pattern.

tuesday and thursday, we were supposed to have our comprehensive exams in our MA class. tuesday, we had questions in five subjects, for which we were given 2 hours per subject to answer; i answered everything in 6 hours. well... also because i disciplined and timed my self so i could finish it by 2pm, as i still had my students' thesis defense to attend to by 3pm. today, we had four subjects to answer for the whole day; i surprised my self by answering everything to my satisfaction in just two hours! : O

beyond the compre, ive been very efficient too, with the butterfly and export biz, my classes and lessons and my students grades, on top of being a good mom and person... : ) without feeling tired or put out or resentful about all the time and energies a lot of things are taking from me, like i used to feel before.

in short, im "in my zone" at last! : )

but today, my fuse must be running short. i haven't meditated for 3 days, too, so that must account for my vulnerability again. (somehow, regular meditation insulates me from all the usual stresses, and i am able to maintain my equananimity...)

in the middle of attending to my students' thesis defense, i get a text from my sister who forwarded to me a text message from our cousin in manila, about how her father, our beloved uncle, has suddenly suffered a stroke and is now in critical condition as the family is considering brain surgery...

then, upon going home, the car kept stopping again. it started stopping at intersections earlier today around noon, when i have the aircon on full blast and the car runs idle. i fetched paolo from his cousins' and his cousin went home with us for a sleepover. on the way, we stopped by the mechanic to warn him of my trouble, but the mechanic thought the car could still last for another day, just until i finish the week, before i bring it back to him.

so paolo and redd and i stopped by the mall to shop for the kids' snack items for the sleepover and for the long weekend, now that they're on summer vacation. i made a very conscious effort to stick to my budget, calculating and recalculating each time i put a new item into the cart, that by the time i was at the counter, i had a minor throbbing headache.

and then, just as i started the car to go home, a queer burning smell wrapped us all inside the car. ive never prayed so hard for the car to last until we get home!

we did get home okay, but still with the burning smell. so i contacted the mechanic now to tow it off by tomorrow morning. that means paolo and i ride the public commute again, which is two rides to school and two rides back. sigh.

i felt so frustrated i wanted to burst into tears. ive been soooo good-- but now, this! ... but then i also remembered that the mechanic mentioned he had two seconhand cars to show to papa... and how i encouraged him to do so, soon. i texted my brother, tope, to tell papa about my car trouble again and also told him to expect the mechanic with the secondhand cars for sale. tope was good, saying he'll take care of it by tomorrow. thank God!

all the time, i kept repeating to my self-- "be good to me, ooh be good to me, dear heart!" i realized how easy it was to bring all the good feelings and consciousness ive built up for the past few days down again, with just entertaining little self-critical thoughts when things seem to be going wrong like this.

but i was more successful this time. the Silva affirmation does work when you need it--"negative thoughts, negative suggestions, have no influence over me at any level of mind." the energies built up by the momentum of my past meditations, with Silva, the Holosync demo, and Jody Sachse's HAV1 music, helped, too.

still, i am reminded to get back to my meditations again. today just emphasized to me how i need to strengthen my self with my meditations as often as i can, so the world can't get to me, like it almost did again today, for good.

God help, and God bless!

poetic, dramatic, but quiet closures

i forgot to share it with you here in my excitement over my part in The Vagina Monologues--

i got my church annulment already. : D

the church decision was dated mar. 1, 2006, a day after my real but nonexistent (feb. 29) birthday.

funny... the civil annulment decision was dated may 17, 2005, a day after what should have been our 13th wedding anniversary.

despite the chaotic sturm and drang of my life, there is still a sense of rhythm and pattern and meaningfulness to it, huh?

my life is truly mine again now.

this morning's victory log

been up since 3am, and spent the whole time from then to 6am on my manifesting readings and studies, contributing to fora, updating my blogs, and meditating.

then, it was an hour's flurry of bringing the two older kids to school.

then from 9am till now--

1. finished my individual annual performance report for submission;
2. wrote a reply letter to the mortgage company telling them im updating my year's arrears in 3 months' time, from april to june, from my peace journalism project honoraria;
3. prepared the second production order for this year for The Butterfly Source even as i updated personal and business emails;

next on the list for today--

1. updating my classes' records and grades and getting ready for end-of-the-schoolyear grades submission in 2 weeks;
2. adding posts to FCQ World.

all the time, ive been listening to my guided audio meditation mp3's on the headphones and although im feeling sleepy, my mind is still abuzz with productivity and creativity! : )

it's only noon, but ive put in what would be some people's full day's work already!

hugs to me. mmmmmmmmm.

Mama, again

she never ceases to amaze.

she's been down lately, what after two hospital stays in january, for pneumonia and then heart arrhythmia... after almost a year of 3x a week dialysis treatments, and before that, a triple-heart bypass, and before that a stage-4 breast cancer diagnosis, which she has all survived with spine, spirit and song!

but then just a few days ago, i hear from her again after i emailed about how she was and she tells me this--

I will have my scooter arrive tomorrow. Actually it  will be used mainly
when I go out. You see, I get short of breath after about 100 feet. It is
for going out to the grocery stores and the mall. Actually, I am so
excited to have this. Yet, the insurance will pay for it. I have lost
about 25 lbs. now. I feel good....the way I look. I wish you can see me in
it.

ooh, i so love the way she calls her electric wheelchair her "scooter"! it says a lot about who she is and what she's made of -- indomitable spirit and fun and good cheer, despite and inspite of whatever life may bring her way!

how can you beat that, huh? : ) : ) : )

i am sooo proud of Mama, and prouder still when people say i take after her. : D

text, context, subtext

we finished our lesson on cultural analysis using the tools of text, context and subtext analysis today with my students' presenting their output on their group workshop of 50 Cent's rap song, "In Da Club".

as always happens when real learning is taking place in the classroom, i learn from my own students' sharing and insights, too, and what started out as my own judgmental view of In Da Club's propagated values was transformed into a more compassionate view when two groups of students expounded on how rap music developed as the ghetto black community's counterculture response to prevailing pop culture in 1970s America, detailing their struggles and woes and the sh_t they have to live with day in and day out...

seeing that context now, i immediately saw the lyrics of the song in a more enlightened perspective; that what appeared superficially as bragging about being cool for having so much money and cars and women and casual sex and drugs, can actually mean some sort of a success from the context of ghetto life.

and it led me into quietly reflecting on how many of the misunderstandings and conflicts with other people we have in our lives can be traced to non- or mis-understanding of context (the historical, cultural and even production environment surrounding a text), and focusing only on the text (what is being said) and even the subtext (the implied meaning)...

hmmmm.... more food for thought to chew on as i go deeper in my peace studies, not only academically but personally.

i want the kind of peace i help create to be lived out, by me, day by day, and not just be some abstract theoretical concept or principle ive memorized from some book or lecture somewhere.

Gratitude vs. Grasping

ive been mulling about it lately, but it took an article in a free subscription email to clarify it for me, this state im in these days.

i was thinking how this still takes getting used to, being in this state of just being, trusting in Good and in things turning out for the good and in being taken care of no matter what happens... there are moments i catch my self actually missing the old days of being in a constant state of anxiety, worry, and even guilt for not doing enough, being enough (!).

it has not been easy; i had to do a lot of inner work, inner excavation and healing work mostly, and my going back to seriously meditating again has been both a big help and challenge. but it is all worth it, needless to say.

and then, this subscription email comes, talking about how manifesting abundance and good is all a matter of being in a state of gratitude or blessedness for having what one already has, or being in a state of grasping and needing, wanting what one does not have yet. it talked too, about how the Universal Law of Attraction works-- more gratitude, more blessings; more neediness, more lack.

amazing, huh.

i guess im on the right track now. still wobbly, baby steps, but on the right track now.

thank You, God/Universe, for guiding me, for bringing me to this good place at last!

my days

i am surprised that it has actually been a week since i last posted here! i thought it's only been for a day or two... my days these days seem to whiz by so fast in almost psychedelic colors! : )

***

ive mostly been concentrating on doing my part well for The Vagina Monologues, reading aloud over and over again until i memorized my lines, getting into my character, rehearshing with my group, then rehearsing with the entire cast.

it has paid off; last night was grand.

i asked my daughter, thea, whom i brought with me, to watch and critique me, as well as take our pictures. i asked her if i still looked like a lady, given the theme of the show; what she said warmed my heart, "you looked like a goddess, ma! you looked different from the rest, special, with your 50s hairdo and all, and you were so fair, your skin shone, all the rest looked funny with white foundationed faces but dark necks and shoulders. you looked like somebody special, too, as you were in both acts, and seated right in the center, while all the rest got transferred around... "

enough said. : ) i'll post the pictures here later, as soon as she has them transferred from the digicam to the computer.

***

ive been getting into the groove with my meditations at last, hitting a trotting pace, instead of the fumbling and stumbling and hit-or-miss sessions with my self ive been having for the past 4 weeks or so... somehow, i can finally see my way into this whole new world of discovering more of my mind and using them in special ways...

***

the peace journalism core group of three people (A, L and i) tasked to implement this recently approved grant project finally met formally last saturday, and made more specific plans for what we want to do when we start work on april 1.

we've recently received the formal communication from the grant funding agency informing us of our project's approval and asking me to make the first request for the funds for the first six months.

needless to say, A, L and i are very excited about this new endeavor and adventure!

***

i got a forwarded email from a USIP request for project proposals which got me excited. i have decided to submit one.

if my application gets approved, it means i can go to the US and do research for 10 months, with my kids with me too, and in washington, d.c., at that, on an $80,000 stipend!!!

we get to see mama and not worry her about supporting us during our stay there. that is the most wonderful benefit of all!

***

i just learned last saturday that a student i used to mentor, a young woman full of intelligence, heart and promise, suddenly died after being brought to the hospital for very high fever and diarrhea, because of allergic complications.

some part of me is still stunned.

...

800? 800?

bea goes around these days asking that silly-sounding question. sometimes it can become really irritating but we try to humor her.

she has just truly begun to comprehend the concept of numbers and their magnitude i guess, because last week she kept asking me--

18 plus 18 ma?
1800 plus 1800 ma?
is there a hundred hundred ma?

so now, every chance she gets, when she means something really big, or wide, or too much, or way out, or over the top, she looks at you with her big round eyes and says--

wowww, 800?
800, you mean it?
really, 800?

feed your mind well

1. wean yourself away from "traditional" news that highlight negativity, war, poverty, crime; those are not the kind of reality you want, are they?

2. to break a habit successfully, replace with a better habit; nature abhors a vacuum.

3. feed your mind well. you can start by checking these out--

a. happy news (and sign up to be a Citizen Journalist. i just did! : >)
b. peace journalism (watch out for what traditional journalists are feeding you and demand for better ways of reporting!)

we are growing more conscious of what we feed our bodies to stay healthy; we should even be more vigilant about what we feed our minds.

thoughts are things; what we keep thinking about, manifests.

today's successes

1. wrote and submitted Conflict Communication online assignment
2. shopped for the kids' and my favorite food at the wet market
3. wrote and submitted my long overdue Human Rights and International Humanitarian Law online assignment;
4. drafted the proposed sampler pack orders for Gaea (our newly-established family export company)
5. drafted the proposed initial inventory order for Gaea
6. contacted an artist to do the logo and mailing list flyer for Gaea
7. updated Magical Mind
8. (re) learned some new things at the ManifestLife.com forum
9. updating this blog now
11. working on my Religious and Ethical Perspectives in Peace and Conflict online assignment, and updating my classes' records next (yes, surprisingly, i still have lots of energies and focus left! that is the success part...)
12. went through the day just focused on doing what i had to do and doing them well, one at a time, without bashing my self any more for more things left undone; going on full throttle speed now!

hugs to me!!! : D yeyyyyyy!!!

wonderful day

i had a most wonderful day today, compared to yesterday, and all because before i slept last night, i decided i would not let yesterday's little episode get me down.

i woke up at 4am and went straight to studying for my Conflict Communication online assignment due this weekend. i was so focused and so engrossed, especially because of the little episode yesterday... and i found my readings very helpful, as i could actually see many ways for me to use what i have (re) learned about communicating amidst conflict, particularly as applied to yesterday's episode.

so i can see yesterday's episode in better perspective now, and can even find it within my self now to be compassionate about the other person, and not assign malicious intent to her for doing what she does. given this more magnanimous and "enlightened" state now, i can look on the little episode as being really what it is, a "little" episode indeed, with the gift of an opportunity for me to personally apply and see for my self what i have learned in peace work, and now, conflict communication.

by 9:30 a.m., paolo and i went to his taekwondo class at the mall, where i just dropped him off to proceed to my first cast meeting and script reading for The Vagina Monologues. i had an enriching and fun time there, meeting likeminded women and getting to do something different in my life, for a change.

we had a good reading, and we finished earlier than we intended, and i counted it as another blessing to have extra time in my day, which i usually don't get to have because of the many demands on my attention and energies. i used the extra little snippet of time to go to the public plaza to look for the photographer there who took thea's confirmation pictures a week ago. we were supposed to collect our pictures from him that afternoon of the confirmation, but after our vegan lunch with thea's confirmation godmothers, which extended down to almost 3pm, we forgot about collecting the pictures from the photographer at school. luckily he wrote his number on the receipt he gave us so i was able to track him down, call him up last night, and agreed to meet with him at his usual haunt at the public plaza.

i still had extra time left to fetch paolo, so i took my time driving and enjoying the ride. i practiced on my moan for The Vagina Monologues, trying out my kittenish moans in different ways. : )

when i got to the mall, i remembered another chore i put off doing last week, which is going to my optometrist to collect my new contact lenses and reading glasses. the extra precious time, doing things for my self, was bliss.

then, i met paolo at the arcade, where we agreed id pick him up. i went home to update Grace with Fire and had fun uploading the orchid pictures.

then, it was time to bring thea to her theatre club rehearsals, after which i went into my Conflict Communication MA class at the peace center. we spent the whole afternoon in very lively discussions and even came up with a class project we can do that would actually benefit our whole province for real.

when the class ended, my friend and the German consultant for the peace journalism project im involved in, A, presented me with a thick envelope while smiling at me with glee. i opened the letter and grinned back at her, too-- it was the official communication from the funding agency, informing us that our three-year project has been approved, to the tune of 70,000 Euros!!!

: ) : ) : )

so now i am here at home, writing on this blog. a while ago, thea read my Vagina Monologues script while in the car going home, and she loved it and enthusiastically invited her friend, who hitched a ride with us, to go see the show with her next Saturday.

in a while, our favorite dinner-- cansi or bulalo (beef stew with bone marrow meat) -- will be ready. the two little ones are on their Playstation 2 while thea is on the laptop next to me. we are all being who we are, doing what we want, in our home, our haven of rest and growth and much loving.

all is right with our world.

ooohh, thank You, God, for loving and blessing us so!!!

dreams coming true

i can't wait to live like this next year-- waking up without stressing about starting the day, because my day is mine to make, my work mine to decide, and income flows in from many sources!

i didn't realize it until lately, but i could actually afford to take a one full year's leave off without pay from my regular university teaching job by schoolyear 2007-08, mainly because of my new peace journalism three-year project commencing this april where i'll be paid in Euros!

i plan on spending the first of the 3 year project's honoraria for paying off the last of my credit card debts and updating my mortgate, at least. after that, the funds are clear for my doing anything with them as i please. since i have my 3rd summer free by next summer 2007, i figure id apply for my one-year leave by the end of that summer, to continue my "vacation" from the university for another 12 months, which would be a long-deserved treat to my self. i want to be spending it doing lots of walking and exercise and living more healthily, reading (ooh i have a lot to catch up on with my growing collection of still-to-be-read books!), writing, and working from home.

it wouldn't also mean all rest and play; i plan on using the free year to focus on my mom's and our family's internet-based export business, where im the lead person tasked to make it take off. if things really go well, i can even "retire" from my university work already and fulfill my dream of working and earning independently from home, by the time im 40!

still, teaching remains a deep love... maybe it's just the present environment (teaching undergraduates in a regimented administrative culture) that's not compatible with my growth and goals anymore... after i finish my MA in Conflict and Reconciliation Studies this year, i could also apply for a continued scholarship with Pax Christi for a doctorate in the same, which will qualify me to move away from teaching undergraduates to professionals now in the graduate school!

and all the while, i thought i needed that one-year writing grant to have this free year for me!

im saying i can't wait to "live like this next year" because im actually slowly living it now, this working from home dream life, although there's still my university job. offers for more writing projects keep coming in; it's just me who has to decline or postpone some because my university work takes a lot of energies and attention out of me. hmmm..... no wonder im feeling less and less interested in my day job now, while my passion, my incandescence, is pulling me towards more of the independent freelancing and net-earning lifestyle i crave now.

one door is closing, while more are opening, and i can't help it, nor do i want to, even if i could, anymore.

it's time to move on to better, happier, more soul-compatible things.

oohhh, i can't wait!!!

the 5th and final answer

the 5th answer has really something to do with the 3rd answer; but the 3rd answer still needed following through... and so, here is the follow through that finally makes the connection for me:

you are loved, just as you are. you can't help it, really. The Universe strains, yearns to give all the Abundance you can contain, despite your fears, anxieties, worries, frets, tizzies. so not even your fears, anxieties, worries, frets and tizzies can stop the flow anymore. you are loved and so taken care of, just as you are.

before, when meditating and manifesting my Good, i was coming from a place where i was feeling good because i knew that i deserved all the Good coming my way.

now, after the recent tizzy, when meditating and just enjoying and expecting now the manifestation of my Good, i am coming from a place where i know, that even if i don't feel i deserve it, the Universe still directs it my way anyway. that God/Love conquers even my smallness of mind and heart; that my Abundance cannot be helped nor stopped anymore.

now, isn't that kind of knowing such a gift? : D