Friday, February 04, 2011

Reflections on My Day 9 of the Chopra Center's 21-Day Meditation Challenge

Time February 3, 2011 at 6:48 am 
I’m catching up with Day 9 although I see the Day 11 link in my Inbox already! : )
I think I have to do this again and again until I feel “whole” about it… I got stopped twice when the audio stopped right after the part on sending metta to loved ones… buffering trouble I guess.
So while letting the audio buffer, I read through the comments and I felt affirmed that my sudden welling up in tears is shared by many! That’s why I feel like I have to do this over and over until I’m completely “washed clean”.
I’m using this audio pause to say thank you to all here for sharing this journey, and to Chopra Center and davidji and our many guides here, for facilitating! Abundant blessings!
Time February 4, 2011 at 5:37 am
This has so far been the biggest challenge for me. After my attempts last night, I found that I could not finish the meditation (not only because of the slow buffering time, but even later when it was completed buffered.)
There was a hesitation in me, my heart was balking at being given the spotlight! So I decided to sleep it off and return again today.
The whole day today was a very emotional day though. I woke up feeling very troubled about a close relationship I have now. I’ve always thought this was the best relationship I’ve had so far, but this morning, insights came at me fast, insights about how I’m giving too much of my self into this relationship actually, without getting the equivalent back. It made me see how my current relationship is really not much different from previous ones, and I was very very bothered by what I suddenly saw with my heart!
I wept and grieved at the sudden realizations and my heart broke with my deep, heavy sobs!
Is this an expected effect of a metta meditation? By focusing on one’s heart, one’s heart actually fully reveals itself and all its hardy outer shells fall away?
Anyway, after a heavy morning of grieving and sobbing, my head became clearer and I could see better with more than just my physical eyes, but my heart’s eyes now, and I was able to go through the rest of my day very serenely.
So tonight, I just did (and completed) the metta meditation again, as I felt I was ready to do it now. (I faced it with a sort of resolute grimness though :> )
Tears still flowed when I finally did this meditation fully, especially in the part where one had to send metta/bless those whom one feels has hurt one. But, this time, my heart felt softer, less crusty, more magnanimous.
I realized that what I thought was a long-healed and very open and magnanimous heart was actually still hurting and breaking so, and even closed so, from years of denial and bypassing, that my way of giving too much without expecting anything in return was a form of control, and denial of my own heart’s value and needs.
The Soul Of Healing MeditationsI will need to do this Day 9 metta meditation over and over again until my heart is set aright again. 
So this is both a very challenging and enlightening meditation for me, to realize that I finally must pay full attention to and respect and listen to my heart, without denial or judgment or selective attention.
Thank you for this difficult and painful but most enlightening and enriching meditation. I will move on to Days 10 to 12 now but I will keep coming back here until I get this right, until I do right by my heart, at last.