Friday, August 26, 2005

Consumatum Est!

it is finished!

ohhhh, joy of joys! i am printing my entry later today at the office. it is ready -- the accomplished entry form, my curriculum vitae, my concept paper and my three sample stories.

and i made good time for the august 31st deadline, too! im sending them by courier today, so they will get to the contest secretariat by tomorrow, or monday, aug. 29, at the latest.

i did the best i can with it, agonized over the stories, researched, immersed my self in the topics, grew from writing them, invested my whole self and all my love and energies into them... whatever happens now, i am very proud of them! : D

(of course, winning the Prize would be a dream come true! ... but i already have a back-up in my head too,... if it doesn't happen this time yet, i will look for other markets; the stories will seek their own home, i believe!)

i release them to the Universe now, for it to do its own work.

God bless these stories! may they find their true home in the hearts and minds and souls in the people who need to read them!

thank you, God, for the gift of stories!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Crafting Magic

here (<-- ) is where most of the action is taking place right now...

this writer's journey... : )

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

So Help Me God!

i just found out now, after checking the NCCA website again, that the writers' prize deadline has been moved to August 31, instead of the October 31 deadline it last had two years ago!!!

oh, God! and i've only just now finished the draft of one story!

this means moving aside all my other commitments and obligations, to produce two more stories in two weeks' time, instead of the two months i thought i'd have the leisure of having!

oh, God, it's just between you and me now. Help!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

A Time for Healing

talking with a friend earlier today about being particular about who i invite to my home triggered a not so long ago memory-- a horror, actually-- the memory that started the unraveling of my marriage of ten years, five years ago.

i was telling my friend how i remembered not so long ago how the ex invited a buddy to our home because the buddy was down and out on luck in his life, and how the buddy almost lived with us as he ate with us, played with the kids, watched tv with us... and even slept on the couch sometimes when it got too late for him to go home.

i hated it, first because im a very private person and ive always believed that a home should be one's sanctuary, and only very close family members and lifelong friends should be let in, much less stay in for any length of time.

i hated it too, because even if i was 8 months pregnant at that time, the buddy made passes at me and i found a photograph in our family album i had of me in a swimsuit suddenly taken from the album at about that time when he was around.

and i also hated the way he tried to get close to my eldest daughter, who was only seven years old then, which disturbed me so... as he liked having her sit on his lap while watching tv... even when there was a lot of space left on the couch for my daughter to sit on!

anyway i told the ex about it, many times, but he just brushed me off, saying i was being too imaginative, and even defended his friend and accused me of being heartless for not being more sympathetic of his friend's predicament.

finally, i gave birth to our youngest child. the ex said he couldnt be with me at the hospital as he had two construction projects going on out of town and which he couldnt leave for long to the foremen. so he asked his buddy to be with me instead to assist me in my hospital needs.

i cringed at the thought and managed to ignore the buddy and just maintain a modicum of civility to him, even as i recovered from the childbirth. still, it upset me that when the nurse asked me to go with her to the sitz bath room, he asked to come with us!!!

the ex left the money to pay the hospital bills with, as well as the car keys, in the drawer beside my bed, and instructed the buddy to process the billing and checkout and take us home in our car. he didnt even come to see the new baby.

despite my heavy bleeding and grogginess, i still was able to scheme enough to ask the buddy on some errand out of the hospital. and during that time he was away, with only my eldest daughter to keep me company, i managed to go and up and down the many hospital floors to process my bill, pay it and check my self and the baby out as fast as we could.

i hastily packed our things, placed my eldest at the backseat of the car with only pillows around her supporting her as she gingerly held her newborn sister close to her, while i, still profusely bleeding and groggy, drove home.


since i told my friend about this five hours ago, i have not stopped crying.

the tears have finally come, after all these years spent on being angry and using my anger to break my way out of the horrors i was in. i remember those months and years since then as being driven mainly by rage and fury, and everybody marveled at the courage i mustered to break through.

especially since i never cried.

nobody has seen me cry.

until today.

the tears are flowing and they can't be stopped.

i don't intend to stop them either.


the time to heal has finally come, i guess.

awash in my own tears, i embrace being cleansed and being made whole again...

i embrace being made whole at last.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Unmanifesting Prosperity

it's interesting how, when we most need to learn something, we come up against its very opposite.

here i am reading from "The Science of Getting Rich" and all these other prosperity articles online, writing down passages and notes which struck me, keeping the notes in my wallet and handbag so i could look at them and read them again every time and so i keep "thinking prosperity"... and i come up against experiences which test my very own existing state of prosperity (or un-prosperity) consciousness!

i am still bothered until now by an incident which happened at home last saturday. my son, paolo, brought in three of the neighborhood boys into our house to play with. these kids are from working-class backgrounds who spoke roughly and played roughly. they were at home the whole day, hogging the tv and couldnt get enough of the food paolo shared with them. i was working on the pc the whole time but i quietly observed them and paolo, and asked them to clean their mess after every game...

it was starting to get to me-- being at home on a weekend and not being able to relax because essentially, i had to "take care" of more little guys too, little guys who aren't used to the rules and culture we have at home, little guys who were coarse and rough but quite receptive to learn the new ways i tried to show them through how i treated my own son. then too, it started upsetting me that they were wrecking my food budget, although i kept saying to my self to think of it as paying my way just so my son could enjoy himself too with other little boys his age.

after dinner in the evening, though, and when one of the boys went home already, i told the other two to start leaving too, as it was late and rainy and that the household was now "closing down" to rest. i told them too, in a nice way, not to come back the next day as sunday was our family day of rest. they nodded to me but i could hear them telling paolo they wanted to sleep over. i caught their whispered conversations and told them we can't allow them to sleep over here, even if it's in the maid's room, as the maid's son has come for a visit too and it would be crowded there. besides, we really all needed to rest.

i remember telling them nicely at 7:30 p.m., but they just nodded and kept on watching tv. i told them again at 8pm, then at 830pm ... then at 9pm.

finally i saw them leaving the house with little paolo, but when i looked out the window and asked the maid where paolo was, i noticed that the maid's quarters' door was closed, and it took time for the maid to answer.

after a few repeated calls, the maid finally answered that paolo was with her. i sensed something else different, though, so i asked if the two boys had gone home already.

that's when i found out that the two boys were still in our yard, hiding in the maid's quarters! that did it.

i blew my top. i raised my voice and told them to go home RIGHT NOW, and how i was soo angry for their not respecting me as owner of my own house and for even teaching my own son to lie and to hide things from me.

they were shaken and the maid promptly shooed them away as paolo trembled before me. i hugged my son, who had started crying by then, and i tried to explain to him how i wasn't angry at him but at them for disrespecting us by not following our rules and what we asked them to do and by even teaching him to lie to his own mother, which we never do in our household.

paolo kept nodding when i kept asking him if he understood and was soon pacified.

but it bothered me, and it still bothers me until now.

was i being too mean? they are just little boys, too, after all. and i sent them packing so late at night; although it was their fault too, as they ignored my courteous requests since 7:30 that evening.

what's the line that separates between protecting your own self and your interests and your peace of mind and comfort and right to rest and relaxation and your boundaries, with being generous and giving to the world at large and manifesting prosperity every time?

it still bothers me...

then, lately, too, over the weekend actually, my uncle has been telling me how he's coming over in september to formally set up the family corporation he wants my sister, my brother, and i to have with him and his wife as financial partners. the idea is good; it is actually our mom's request to her brother, our uncle, to help set us up in better economic conditions before she goes from this life...

it was first proposed to us a year or so ago, and naturally, everybody was happy and excited. but now that the reality looms, i actually find my self seriously hesitant and even quite fearful and resentful.

suddenly not so long ago memories of managing our family business, with everyone feeding off from the fat but with only me working hard and even doing the work of the others who were not doing their share but getting their share (!) started haunting me again and the ugly feelings of buried anger and resentment before rose up again.

i was more upfront and assertive this time, though, unlike before, and brought my concerns up with my uncle and my mom via email. they have been graciously open and upfront with me too, telling me what i needed to know, and i am a little less anxious now, knowing the details of their proposed set up, and knowing that my kind and wise uncle would be at the helm.

still, this recent experience makes me ask my self why i am suddenly feeling so competitive and resentful of my siblings again, especially my sister, when i thought i have already gone past those angry limiting feelings before, forgiven them and my self, and have loved them more openly and generously and magnanimously since then anyway?

why am i suddenly being competitive and not creative (as "The Science of Being Rich" exhorts otherwise), when i have always actually been the creative sort by nature?

then, too, just yesterday and today, i found my self with little outbursts over the kids' seeming wastefulness and carelessness with things.

we started the day yesterday with paolo reporting to me that he couldn't find their pencil sharpener anymore. we looked all over for it amidst the morning rush and it got me upset that it's lost when it's the second pencil sharpener i bought them in a few months. ( the first one got wrecked because they played around with it.)

and i started going around haranguing them and the fates that be of how they could be so careless and wasteful, of how it's tiring me so having to fix things and find things for them every time when i didn't cause the breakdowns or the loss in the first place, blah, blah, blah, etc.

earlier last night, my eldest, Thea, after talking to her dad on the phone whom she asked to buy her some materials she needed for their Homemaking project today already, and after learning how her dad declined saying he was too busy to buy them and asked her to ask ME to buy them instead and that he will just repay me... i blew my top again and started a long sermon on how i don't have the budget right now for the materials she needed ASAP and how i hated being asked to produce something at the last hour just because it is convenient for some people to ask me rather than produce it themselves, it being their responsibility in the first place, blah, blah, blah, etc. again.

i am mostly bothered by how these recent incidents and my reactions to them are showing to me my petty, fussy Martha-ish side, concerned about costs and counting down to the last centavo's worth of things... my stingy unprosperous side... when i've always thought of my self and have always been known by those around me as being more magnanimous and generous than the average person.

i know there are lessons to be learned here.

maybe one of the lessons is how some parts of me has actually been unmanifesting my own prosperity so far, the kind of boundless abundance and prosperity God has always wanted to give me... because of these unresolved petty, mean and stingy sides. (oh i have come so far, with God's grace, but i am seeing more clearly now that i can have more, and that i should never hesitate to ask largely of God and the universe!)

but then, too, i still ask the question about where one draws the line between being self-respecting and protecting one's boundaries, and manifesting prosperity in all ways by having a giving heart and outlook in all situations?

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Time Out

i think i will need to take time, space and energies off from blogging here for a while; i will need the time, space and energies for making a dream come true.

there's this national writing grant with an october 31 deadline that i want to prepare for; i need to write at least three very good children's stories to qualify. winning that national writer's prize would mean that i get to take time off for a year from my day job and stay at home instead just writing twelve more stories! it would pay me a little more than the equivalent of my day job's salary, too; so i would have no reason not to take a leave off work for a while.

i've started writing down notes for the first story; im beginning my descent into my inner well. i need to collect all my energies and focus around me, gather my cloak up and hide for a while (now i know why Dracula does that action every time before he goes and disappears! : ) heehee...)

wish me focus, wish me out-of-this world creative and universal inspiration, wish me stories that would touch people's lives.

the luck will just follow.