Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My Horoscope Today : )


Mercury Sextile Pluto

Jul 31, 2007

Don't turn down any invitations to meet new people. This is one of those times when the universe is prepared to introduce you to at least one of your soul mates.

from www.astrocenter.com

Monday, July 30, 2007

Don't Dumb Yourself Down

a most timely message for me today from DailyOM, in response to the pain and the questions in my heart lately--

The ability to go into any social situation and sense the level of consciousness in that situation is a gift. It enables us to move considerately in a world that holds people of all levels of awareness. However, there is a difference between shifting our energy to accommodate people and dumbing ourselves down to a regrettable degree. Sometimes, when we get into a particular social situation, we may feel pressure to play it small in order to fit in. Perhaps everyone is drinking or smoking excessively, engaging in gossipy small talk, or complaining bitterly about politics. It is one thing to notice this and modify our expectations and another thing entirely to join in.

When we notice where people are coming from and acknowledge to ourselves that their energy is not in alignment with ours, we have several choices as to how to proceed. One viable option is to quietly endure the situation, keeping to ourselves until it is time to leave. In this way, we take care of our own consciousness and protect our growth process. Another option is to interact in a way that honors and pays respect to the people in the group, while gently attempting to shift the level of consciousness with our input. In order to do this, we must maintain our own vibration, which means that joining in by dumbing down is not an option.

When we choose to dumb ourselves down to fit in, we not only sell ourselves short but we also lose a possible opportunity to influence the situation for the good of all concerned. Our desire to join in may come from our natural yearning to feel connected to the people around us. There is no shame in this, but being able to stand on our own, separate from the crowd, is a powerful milestone on any spiritual path. It can be difficult in the moment, but when we arrive on the other side, our integrity intact, we may find ourselves feeling positively smart.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

In the Flow

this must really be my calling... in children's lit. i mean...

i went to Manila last Tuesday evening for the 1st National Conference on Philippine Children's Literature, as a participant, paying 3k for the conference fee, aside from funding my own travel and stay there... i don't regret investments like these; it's food for the soul time for me, always.

well, what do you know, a writer speaker couldn't make it, so i was asked to substitute instead! so i was now both participant and speaker too!

the topic was both easy and difficult. easy, because i just had to share how a children's book was created from an author's experience and perspective. difficult, because along the way in sharing i had also to share my personal struggles with marital separation and tight finances as context for why and how i wrote my two award-winning stories in the first place...

in the end, though, the excavation and sharing of the soul must have been worth it. i could sense the audience's deafeningly quiet and focused attention on me, interspersed by appreciative murmurs and nodding of heads. during the open forum, one older lady participant commended me for my courage in baring my soul and how she was inspired by my sharing...

i hope it was a healing thing for them as it is a healing thing for me, every time.

side note: i got "refunded" for my conference fee when i was paid my speaker's honorarium, too!

and to think that just before one of the key conference organizers asked me to sub, i was sitting there in my chair, mentally calculating how i could make my remaining P800 fit for the long taxi rides and the airport terminal fee i was still to take in going home, regretting i couldn't buy the books on display that i wanted to buy and to have autographed by the fellow-author friends i have made in the conference... !

God is great; the Universe takes care of me even without my asking!


the afternoon before i left for the airport last Tuesday, my visa arrived by courier-- i got a 10-year multiple entry visa!!! : )

Honey and i texted each other; she did, too!!!

and all the while, before we even had our interview, my constant prayer was: thank You, God, for the 10-year multiple entry US visas issued to Honey and I!!!

: ) : ) : )


i am back home. and thankfully, i have the whole month of August with no travels scheduled, before i set off on my next trip, with Honey this time, for our 3-week visit to Mama starting Sept. 10.

i love to travel, yes. but ive been flying in and out of Bacolod to a lot of places all over the country since January, that i am starting to miss the "ordinariness" and "routine" of just staying put in Bacolod, too, just living the "normal" life of a single mom on leave from her day job, staying at home and just doing things she loves to do-- taking good care of herself and her children, meditating daily, taking long walks, writing in her journal, basking in her solitude, working on her freelance writing projects, treating her self to a date at the beauty salon and the spa and then a nice dinner at her favorite resto, collecting her thoughts and feelings, enjoying good conversations and good food with very good, select friends... just enjoying her life without being accountable to others in terms of deadlines and project/work outputs...

thank God for my free August time!!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Today's Quote

"When we have done our best, we should wait the result in peace."

-- J. Lubbock

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Abundance Overflows!

The kids and I had a wonderfully blessed week in Manila!!!

We arrived yesterday via Superferry 19, tired and spent but happy and satisfied too from a long, busy and successful week, where quite a number of dreams came true!

First, it was the trip itself. When I won my first PBBY Salanga Prize in 2004, I could only take Paolo, as he adamantly refused to be left at home. The girls and I half-jokingly consoled ourselves with the thought that we'd all be together next time, by the next award. Haha. As if the PBBY Salanga Prize gets awarded to the same person more than once, as a matter of course.

Then, it was the financial means to afford the trip without feeling tight, thanks to Mama's bighearted generosity, as well as my high school friend Melanie's (nicknamed Miz) surprise treat our first day there. She, her sister Lynnie and their driver picked us up at the hotel and treated us to a sumptous lunch at Emerald Garden (Chinese) Restauarant. Paolo even got to order one full steamed crab dish all to himself!

Then, they took us to the new Mall of Asia, where, even as the kids and I decided among ourselves that we'd just browse and window shop and come back another day for the stuff we really wanted to buy, Miz and Lynnie secretly bought the kids even more surprise treats, as well as paid for our grocery (Miz and I went to the hypermarket-- yes, that's what it's called--together before going home; she to buy food for her home, me to buy food for our hotel stay, knowing how the kids love to snack when cooped up)!!!

Then, we had a most wonderful and memorable awarding rites during the National Children's Book Day (July 17) at the Cultural Center of the Philippines. We arrived half an hour earlier so I wasn't so rushed like last time. It gave me time to get to know new people there, as well as chat with old friends in the business.

I didn't have an acceptance speech prepared; I thought there wouldn't be any as it wasn't in the Programme. But, when I was asked to give one, the words just flowed from my heart. I could see a lot of people in the audience nodding, with eyes shining, as if I have touched some deep truth in them too.

I even had more requests for autographs this time, and more media interviews (Manila Bulletin, Junior Inquirer, RPN). It was more memorable for two tidbits: one journalist from a local daily asked me for a donation for his hernia operation (!) and when lunch was ready but I was still busy signing autographs and entertaining media interviews, Paolo threw a sulking tantrum and accused me of prioritizing others instead of hungry him! : )

Oh, well.

I was able to nicely turn the journalist down, and Paolo was soon pacified, when I personally prepared his lunch choices from the buffet table, even as my sister Honey cajoled him back to good humor.

I had an interesting insight there, though, about how men, as early as little boyhood, already demand their significant woman's full attention almost at all times, and when they don't get it, they "tantrumize"! : )

I had also insights as to how women have different ways of dealing with it. Honey both cajoled and threatened him, while I just let him be, until he came back to me, of his own accord. : ) That seems to be our general style in treating the men in our lives, too. Heehee....

In the afternoon after the awarding, the kids had a grand time playing with the gadgets and exhibits at the interactive Museo Pambata. We initially also wanted to go inside the Manila Planetarium, but we had to pay for 50 people's entrance fee (totalling P1,500) if we wanted to watch the planetary show, too! Ugh. No go for this time; but we can save up for it and do it next time. The kids weren't really so keen on it but I wanted them to experience the same highs I did when I watched the planetary show my self 20 years ago, when I was still in college and visiting my cousins in Manila for the summer.

The next day, July 18, we went to the Manila Zoo in the morning, then returned to the hotel by noon. We were fetched by a coaster rented by the Far East Broadcasting Co., who wanted to do an interview with me at their compound in Karuhatan, Valenzuela City. As we four climbed up the airconditioned coaster meant for 20 people, Paolo whispered loudly and grinned, "I feel important!" : )

It was quite a long ride, around an hour and a half, and the kids fell asleep. When Paolo woke up, he asked to pee, but we couldn't stop as we were in the middle of traffic, so I asked him to pee in the empty water bottle we had available. He delighted at the thought and promptly went to the back of the coaster to do his thing. He returned with a half-bottle full of yellowish liquid and wondered what his sisters would do if they mistakenly drank from it as soon as they woke up! I humored him in his scenario-building and we both giggled at the different scenarios he created in his mind. In the end, his kind heart won out and he asked me to set the bottle aside, far from the snack bag we carried, so his sisters wouldn't mistake it for juice. : )

The interview was special, too. I was interviewed by Doc Luis (Dr. Luis Gatmaitan), a famed children's book author himself, for their Wan Dey, Isang Araw storytelling program aired on Saturdays at 9am (see www.febc.ph and click on "Listen to the Radio" or something like it). (I will announce here later when our interview will be aired; as well as post the pictures from the awarding rites and the pictures from the radio interview, after Doc Luis emails the pictures to me.)

I was a bit anxious at first, but Doc Luis was good in orienting me, calming me and getting our conversation to run smoothly and freely, like we were just chatting, and so I was able to share more of my deeper thoughts and feelings, and I could tell I also touched some deep chords, as the radio engineer and staff who were listening in nodded along. There were two other children's book auhors, too,-- Robert Magnuson (of "Mister Beetle's Many Rooms" and "Diego and Marie's A Secret Sense of Home" and Beng Alba (of "Ang Batang Ayaw Maligo" fame)--who were to be interviewed after me, and their nodding along too affirmed me and made me feel more confident about sharing more. Doc Luis also took many pictures of us three writers, and then of me, and me with the kids, as well as me with the staff. Needless to say, the kids and I felt like celebrity, and I had more than my 15 minutes of fame! : )

After the radio interview with a late lunch of healthy sandwiches and iced tea, the coaster took us back, where we requested to be dropped off at Glorietta. It was another hour and a half ride to Makati, but this time the kids entertained themselves by fiddling on the radio channels. Paolo had to pee again, too, and he was an expert this time at peeing into another empty water bottle. : )

It was shopping time at Glorietta. Strangely, in the bigger Mall of Asia, the kids didn't find anything they liked. And they complained that it was too big and took lots of walking around, which tired them. So I decided to take them to my more familiar Glorietta.

We are like a little army when we go on our shopping sprees together. The kids know the Standard Operating Procedure by heart. I inform them of their individual budgets and the time allotted for their shopping. Then, they are let loose. They just come back to me when their baskets are full and their budgets are used; I stand by the counter waiting to pay.

So this time, we arrived at Glorietta by 6pm. Paolo and Bea had their spree at Toy Kingdom first. As the boys' toy section was in a separate store from the girls, Thea and I agreed that she'll go with Paolo while I go with Bea. Paolo had P800 of his own money saved up, while Bea had P500. I just added P1000 more to each of them, and they had until 700pm to do their shopping.

When they were done, I asked the two little ones to sit by a divan at the department store while Thea and I shopped for her clothes. I explicitly told the two little ones to not entertain any stranger and to stay close to their packages. I also asked the department store sales staff to keep an eye on them while I shopped with their elder sister, who wanted to spend all of her savings and the budget I gave her on clothes, and a music cd or a book.

By 8pm, they had all their shopping done and we ate their favorite chicken dinner at Max's.

We had to do the toy and clothes shopping that day as I planned for them to stay at the hotel the next day, while Honey and I went for our U.S. visa interview. Even if they were cooped up in the hotel, at least they had their new toys, books and other stuff to occupy them with.

July 19, 12:30pm was Honey's and my appointment schedule for the visa interview, but we left the hotel early and arrived at the U.S. Embassy by 1030am. It was Honey's first time, while it was my third time. I don't know which is better-- to be a neophyte or an old hand. In some ways, Honey's exuberant excitement touched me. In other ways, I am glad I am more sober and realisic this time. I had two very unpleasant visits before, not so much because of the visa refusal, but because of the process and the people that went along with it.

This time was very different, though. Not only am I going for an interview at mid-day (my first two interviews before were at 730am; that meant I had to wake up as early as 4am; not a good way to start the day), I was most surprised by the very pleasant, courteous and educated Filipino staff greeting us and guiding us with the steps in the process. My experiences before had to to with arrogant and burly-looking Filipino security guards who treated us as if we were cattle or convicts to be processed!

I looked even prettier and felt even more secure within my self this time, too. Although I prayed hard for a quick, easy and pleasant visa issuance for me and Honey so we could visit Mama soon, I was also very calm and centered about it all, not really attached to the outcome, in que sera sera attitude mode.

It was a long queue and wait to submit our passport, D156 and D157 forms. Then, it was another long queue and wait for finger scanning. By the time we got to the interview hall, it was already past 12:30pm and the consuls were taking their lunch break.

I guess that was a good thing, as when the consuls came back from their break, Honey and I were among the first to be interviewed. In fact, Honey was the first, at number 3175, while I was two people later at number 3178. She was assigned to Window 6 while I to Window 10.

The consul didn't even ask for her papers; he just asked her about her work and her family life. I was sitting, watching out for her envelope which contained her documents. Hearsay tells us that if you are asked for your documents, then you are on precarious grounds. Her envelope didn't disappear, even as I prayed. When Honey turned to me with a big smile and a thumbs up sign, I was suddenly happy for her and relieved, of course!

When it was my turn to go to my assigned consul at Window 10, somebody else was inserted ahead of me by one of the Embassy staff by mistake. So, I was redirected to the next available window, Window 6, the window Honey just left! : )

The consul was a young, goodlooking gentleman with a light, friendly aura. He greeted me first and I greeted him back with a smile, as I showed him my passport and two forms. He only asked me two questions-- what is "PJ" in my works as "PJ trainer", and what did I do in Hungary and Romania in 2001!

After that he said, "Okay", and I heaved a sigh of relief, too.

But then, he said, "I'm sorry..." and I held my breath again. And then, he continued, "... the computer's so slow." And then I flashed him a big smile and said, "It's okay, I can wait."

So, to while the time, he asked me more questions...

- Is your father still alive?
- Is he in the States too?
- Do you have children?
- How old are they?
- How long has your mom been sick?

And I answered everything calmly and straight to the point, elaborating only with more information when necessary. He also didn't ask to see any more of my documents, which I had prepared in my envelope.

All the while, I didn't know what to do with my hands, so I lightly crossed them against my chest instead. (I first thought of just holding them together, but it was too beauty-queenish or first lady-ish! Heehee.)

Still, the general effect was that I looked relaxed and confident yet serious too, and the consul and I were just chatting.

After 5 minutes, he gave me my yellow slip of paper, which had instructions to go to the official courier to process the mailing of my visa.

I said my thank yous and walked away, dazed, though. I couldn't believe it was happening! Some part of me actually hesitated and waited for him to return my passport! Until I saw him signal to the staff to call in the next applicant.

Needless to say more, Honey and I got our visas (Tope and his wife and child already got theirs weeks ago) and we can now see Mama soon!!! : ) : ) : )

Ohhhhhh, after 4 years since we last saw Mama!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!


The next two days was a blur of last-minute short trips around Manila; the kids and I went back to the Museo Pambata, and then to the Mall of Asia, for a book Thea wanted to buy.

Then, on July 20, 10am, it was time to go home. The hotel car took us to the Aboitiz Superferry Terminal 15 for our trip back home.

It was quite an experience, too, all four of us-- the kids and I-- lugging around 10 medium to heavy luggage and packages, queueing in line for checks, and then further walking across the port grounds to climb up to our ship at last. When we got to our air conditioned suite, we collapsed on the bed, in perspiration, thirst and exhaustion!

The kids soon recovered by making bubble baths for themselves in the suite bathroom tub, while I slept most of the afternoon away. By late afternoon , I woke up and we toured the ship. The evening was lazy; the two little ones played computer games at one of the ship's shops, while Thea and I read. We ate at the dining hall and retired early, not after the kids took another bubble bath though. : )

We arrived in Bacolod at 11am of Saturday, July 21. Honey's best friend and my friend, too, Emily, along with her husband and daughter, invited us to dinner and karaoke singing at Cafe Breizh, with all our kids, last night, to celebrate God's Providence, and good times again. (Thea wowed us with her rendition of Cruisin', in a duet with Tito Ping; and a solo of Barbra Streisand's Memories!)

A fitting end to a wonderful, blessed, abundant week of God's Goodness!!! Thank you, God!!! (Thank you, even, for the beautiful sunny yet windy weather all throughout!!!)

On to more good times now, dear heart. : )

P.S. Initial pics here.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

unsent, unsaid...

it was you who first gave up on us, M, ... even before we first met in person.

we were just having a difficult time, and I was doing all I can to make it right, from my end, struggling with my self, working with my self, growing my self...

but, what did you do?

it hurts that you let go instead, and let somebody else in...

somebody who isn't even at par with us, and somebody who bored your mind stiff even, you even admit that now, now that more time has passed.

what else did you expect me to say or do, except to finally let go, too, move away and try to move on?

you gave up, M, just when we were so close.


of course she would be nice and accommodating and helpful to you. it's her job. you PAY HER to be nice and accommodating and helpful, and to do as you ask. you don't see that, do you? you kid yourself to be soo wanted by her for who you are, when she doesn't even know who you are!

of course her friends and family would all bow down to you; in their eyes, you are a good enough American Dream personified, their ticket to a better life than all the lifetimes they knew.

this is the really insulting and laughable part, except that it hurts even so, how you could allow yourself to be blinded by superficial adulation, and to be used so.

you've shown me a side of you that was suddenly so childish, immature, infantile even... for someone of your breeding and intellect and finesse... or so i thought.

you've shown me a side of you that is suddenly... downright stupid.

this last part hurts the most, and one i definitely did not expect from you.

in my eyes, you just suddenly became very.... common. ordinary.

maybe you deserve to be with her after all; i cannot help you out of that mess you foolishly plunged your self into. for sure, she deserves somebody like you, unless you remember again Who You Really Are.

PJ1, June 15-18, 2007; Marco Polo Plaza, Cebu City

How Can You Tell Messages from the Ego and from the Soul?

Reprinted from Class 11 of the free online meditation course (highly recommended, i've been learning with it and growing in my meditation since January!) from Meditation Society of Australia--

The single most asked question we have come across is "how do I tell what are the messages of my ego and those of my soul?" To be true the ego and the soul have an existence within each other and so there is a measure of blurring between their realities but for the purposes of this class, let's separate them at their poles, so that we might more easily understand their nature and where they overlap.

What is the nature of the ego?

The ego is a construction of self arising entirely from externals. What the physical senses perceive, the intellect can calculate and memory can remember about us entirely composes the ego.

It is a differentiating mechanism constantly calculating how it is different from the next person or thing, and more than this it fervently seeks to place itself at least 1cm above its surrounds.Free Learn to Meditate - Meditation Society of Australia

As it defines itself by these externals, it also attaches and binds itself to them for its sense of self and fulfilment. For example, it is the ego that believes that having a shiny new car that is faster and more expensive than everyone else's in the street will contribute to it's sense of self and fulfilment, and it is the same ego that is disappointed five minutes after buying it with the realisation that somewhere else there is someone with a car that is shinier and faster and more expensive. This also applies to the way the ego interacts with other people. Social interactions become competitions because the ego needs to be at least 1cm above the next.

The ultimate goal of the ego is to be rich and famous possessing everyone and everything with all succumbing to it.

For the ego everything is conditional, everywhere a marketplace. "What I do for you is in exactly the same measure (or if I am smart(?), less!) than what you have already done for me. I will love you, if you love me etc. Nothing is given without an ulterior motive.

The ego is extremely defensive, to the death, in fact, of it's present state of mind, passionately fearing change and blaming everything but itself for any malaise.

The ego believes that it is the alpha and omega of you, a finite being with a birth and a death stuck in a fight with time and fate.

The soul is a revelation of the real self arising from within.

When someone speaks of 'finding oneself' they are usually speaking of a series of experiences of the soul. If it is that there is a force or universal soul or God that lies at the heart of every atom, then the individual soul is a portion of it. Though to speak of a portion of infinity is impossible and this is exactly the point, because this 'portion' is nothing other than, in fact, the whole. Each of us holds the kingdom of heaven within.

The sense of the soul is perceived by a suspension of the ego, an opening of the heart and an intuitive flow of love or peace or joy or wisdom will inevitably pervade.

The soul is a oneness understanding, joining not only humanity, but all things in the profound wisdom of love.

It enjoys competition as within a real family, to empower and encourage each other to higher and higher heights.

As the soul feels itself within all things it has no desire to bind or possess things to oneself. It feels that since we are all the oceans and the mountains and the skies and the flowers, how can there be ownership? We are all an infinite portion of each other.Free Learn to Meditate - Meditation Society of Australia

The ultimate goal of the soul is to divinise the ego. To flood all egos with the unconditional and infinite love and empowerment of the entire universe so that it might also perceive itself as many and separate, but One and whole.

For the soul, everything is a oneness-heaven where each of us contributes to the collective and each of us is empowered by it.

It constantly challenges our present state of mind when we limit ourselves to the ego by telling us 'You are not that! You are not the body, you are not the mind or ego, you are not finite and bound by time, you are infinite and eternal'

This is why the measure of a real spiritual person is their genuine humility. The higher one journeys the more one realises that the source, the power and the destination of the journey are the one universal soul or God. All we ever do is reveal this reality. Our ownership of even our actions should never be egoic but reveal the intuitive flow of wisdom and love of the universe.

The blurring

As we said in the beginning there is a definite blurring of realities of the soul and the ego. The ego is on a journey, just like every other part of our nature. from darkness to light, from ignorance to total awareness of the soul. It is meant to be an instrument of the soul, not in competition with it, and you will notice if you haven't already that gradually it will be illumined by the light of the soul and it's sense of itself will gradually enlarge until ultimately the divine ego, feels itself within all.

"We dance to a whispered voice. Overheard by the soul. Undertook by the heart.

And you may know it. If you may know it."
— Neil Diamond from Soundtrack for "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"

After all this - it is time for reflection

So now comes the time where instead of philosophising we observe what we are doing in our lives. How are our present day-to-day behaviours affected by this. Is it possible to live in the soul amidst the hurly-burly of modern life? The answer obviously, is a resounding YES!

To come back to our original question - 'How do I tell if the messages I am receiving are from my soul or my ego?' Well, especially in the beginning it is not so easy. We have spent such a long time ignoring the messages of our soul and listening entirely to our ego that the volume is very loud on our ego and perhaps just a whisper from our soul.

As everything, it requires practise.Free Learn to Meditate - Meditation Society of Australia

It also requires honesty and a large measure of bravery.

Honesty to just listen, not to return to the habits of the ego in constructing a voice that we want to hear, and bravery to follow the messages of the soul, that are often challenging (as they obviously should be!) and sometimes illogical from a worldly point of view.

If you are not immediately intuitively aware that the message you are receiving is from your soul, then try and stop everything and really explore it in a meditation. Messages of your soul, should immediately be accompanied by joy as their nature is the flow of love.

(Emphasis mine.)

If you are still not sure than you need to consciously question the source of the voice, honestly checking its credentials against all the criteria above. You must also realise that exactly the same action can be performed egoically and again completely soulfully, so it is often not the action that needs to be critically contemplated but the place from where the action is performed.

Either way, if you are still not sure, try as soulfully as you can to take a step down the path that your 'voice' is extolling you to, and immediately stop and meditate and go through the process again, having taken one step. You will see that having gone through the above, you should definitely be feeling joy, if not, stop - it is most likely not a message of your heart.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

what it takes

"In order to live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice."

-- Richard Bach

Monday, July 02, 2007

Who's My Type?

i'm really into studying and preparing for my next romance now, and to do it-- not just right, but--better next time. so here's another advice i just read (please click on the title for the link to the article), and i'm pasting here the "checklist" for who's really my type and who's not to remind me of what to look out for and what to avoid as i seriously launch my Search now (this is the first time i'm consciously admitting to my self that i'm actually searching!!! Before, it was just "if it comes, okay, if it doesn't, okay, i still have the rest of my happy life"... no wonder it is only in the romance dept. where i've still not "gotten it together" when in the rest of my life, which i consciously direct and work and prepare for, i am already doing great! GIGO, Garbage In Garbage Out-- hit-or-miss In intentions, hit-or-miss Out results.)

Looking at the lists now, I am almost shocked to realize that M, whom I thought and felt was already my true and lasting Soulmate (mainly because of his wonderful parents who liked me very much, and of our astrological potentials!!! ... : O), actually falls within the NOT MY TYPE more than in the MY TYPE list!!!
Of the six items in the NOT MY TYPE checklist, he fits FIVE (except for the last one, although he also had a tendency to criticize my interests and involvements)!!!

In the MY TYPE list, he did--

- excite me (intellectually, mostly)
- made me laugh (in the early months, mostly)
- helped me to be a better version of my self (mainly through tremendous emotional and spiritual growth, from the frustrations i experienced with him! but surely, now i think that i can be a better version of my self in a more positive, life-affirming way with another, no?)

ohhhhh THANK GOD, it DID NOT work out with M!!! (if i posted here the pictures of our meeting which my photojournalist friends took "on stakeout" : ), too, you would agree with me... heehee... but that would be too cruel, and i want to spare him that, even so...)

ohhhh, THANK YOU GOD!!!