morning rush, morning ritual, random morning thoughts

i woke up to a cold, rainy morning thinking it was only 6am, to find out soon after checking my cellphone clock that it was already 6:59am!

out i jumped from the bed, waking up Polo who was still snuggled in his comforter beside me, and then going to the girls' room and announcing the Time. it was a flurry of activities after then.

Thea went for her shower, while i asked the household help to transfer Polo's lunch into a neutral-colored Tupperware container as she put it in Bea's old pink (!) lunch box as i checked on Polo's and Bea's bags and their assignment notebooks which we failed to work on last night coming home late and tired from having to wait for Polo finish his soccer practice, then called out Polo's and Bea's names over and over again as i did Polo's Social Studies and English assignments while i instructed the household help next to bring Polo's and Bea's uniforms to them and wake them up for real.

we left the house by 7:30am and i got them in school by 7:50am, 5 minutes late.

sigh.

at 8am, i come home to a quiet house at last, turned on the pc to prepare it for later, put on Bach on the music player, and sat with myself as i ate my breakfast of rice, sunnyside ups, salted fish (tabagak) and corned beef, finishing it off with a banana and hot chocolate. but not before i talked with the help on which kitchen stock needs replenishing and discussed lunch and dinner to prepare for today.

as i sat there eating, i thought of the things i had to do for today--resume checking my Econ. classes' papers, go back to the beauty parlor i went to yesterday to have them retouch 3 of my manicured fingernails, buy the kitchen stock needed at home, then go to the office by 3pm so Bea can use the laptop when her schoolday ends and while we wait for her two other siblings end their schoolday, review the thesis paper i will panel for by 430pm, panel at 430pm, then bring everyone home by early evening and catch up with Polo and Bea on their homeworks.

i also had this stray thought-- there goes a day in the life of a 41-year-old single mom who lived in the year 2009, who managed not to let the morning rush stress get to her or else, she would have driven her and her children off to a morning car accident (!).

that thought was followed by another on a completely different track-- how Polo cried and threw a stomping tantrum last night when Thea just announced to no one in particular that she's watching "The Proposal" on dvd again and simply plopped down and changed the tv channel to video mode, when Polo and Bea have been watching a show on cable already.

for a while, there was a squabble, and it only stopped when i stepped in to ask Thea, who insisted that she already informed everyone about it, if she also waited for everyone's "permission" to her "information". Thea still protested but weakly this time, while she switched the tv back on to cable mode and went to her room to stew.

and i thought how, of all the three of them, Polo has the most sensitive heart and keenest sense of justice and injustice, while the girls have a tendency to try to get their way no matter what if they are not called on it.

and then, another thought-- how i see and know my children's hearts so well, and how, if i as a human parent, can know things this way, how much more our Heavenly Parent?

and now i sit at this pc, writing on this blog again, unwrapping my day, as Bach keeps me centered as best as i can be centered this morning.

God, Energy and Bea's Question

i was driving to and back from Paolo's friend's house this evening, where he's been sleeping over for the 2nd night in a row now, to bring him a fresh change of clothes.

while driving on almost auto-pilot mode, i was deep inside my self, turning over in my mind all the many lessons i learned from this morning's presentation by CENECO general manager, Mr. Sulpicio Lagarde, Jr. i invited him weeks ago to speak to my Econ1 classes on electricity generation, transmission, distribution and costs and energy efficiency and sustainability, in relation to our class lessons on production and cost theory. he surpassed our expectations by also discussing concerns on global warming and the need to downscale our postmodern energy-dependent lifestyles, as well as inspired us to do something about our laws and systems to support a more sustainable and energy-renewable lifestyle.

i was particularly struck by the metaphor that hit me of the process of generation, transmission and distribution. he said that 138,000 volts from the main generator becomes converted to only 13,200 volts by the transmission line, and even further down to 230 volts when it's distributed, because of conduction resistance. and it struck me that Energy generation, transmission and distribution is like God's Spirit and Blessings--

God is the generator and He/She yearns to give us All things Good and in Abundance, but we, as transmission/distribution lines, can only take so much, because of "resistance", and so whatever Good there is flowing through us becomes diluted in more digestible form, although they are still Good, of course.

and then i remembered one lesson i learned years ago from my Silva Method readings and courses, about an elementary principle in electricity: the best conductor is the one with the least impedance/resistance.

and i thought how this is explained now by what happens when one goes regularly and deeply into meditation practice: how one gets clearer, less "impeded", thus one experiences more Good in one's life, both as a receiver and as a channel for Good too for others.

and then my youngest, 9-year-old Bea, who has been sitting quietly in the dark back seat of the car i forgot she was there, suddenly pipes up: Ma, what's the difference between a spirit and a soul? (this has happened so often already, how the kids pick up on the direction of my secret thoughts while i'm driving, that i take it as naturally as breathing now!)

and so, inhaling deeply, i gave it my best shot, responding from my heart: Spirit is that invisible part of you which is a part of God's Spirit, while Soul is that invisible part of you which is you, your personality, your emotions, your talents and likes and dislikes, 'langga (dear one).

Bea: like twins?

me: ye-esss... sort of, except that they're together, they stick together, there's just one invisible you, and part of it is Spirit and part of it is Soul.

Bea: what's our body for, then?

me: (pause)

me: we-ell... it's like our clothes, or the car we drive, to make our way in this earth. since the earth is a physical thing, then we need to be put in something physical too.

Bea: wowwww... so it's like, we go in and out of different bodies?

me: ye-eess. after we die, we go back to the lower levels of Heaven closest to the earth, and we review our life and see how we did and what lessons we learned and what lessons we didn't learn. and then, we decide what to learn next so we can improve and get closer to being more like God. the more we become like God, the higher we go up in Heaven, until someday, we are together with God again, completely, and we never have to be apart again.

Bea: so earth is like school, and Heaven, too? there are many levels?

me: yes.

Bea: so right now, i'm also made up of some dead person's spirit and soul?

me: ye-es... and that dead person before was you too.

Bea: wowwwww.... so i'm many persons?

me: yes.... in this earth, living many lives, at different times and places, like taking many subjects, until you master them all and become perfect like God.

Bea: if God made me, and God is already perfect, why didn't He make me perfect too, so i don't have to be separated from Him in the first place?

me: (long pause)

Bea: well?

me: God did make us all perfect. And He also gave us free will. So we were perfect to start with, but with our free will, we chose to do things which made us imperfect... until we learn that it really doesn't work out for us in the end when we insist on our own way...

Bea: why would i want to do imperfect things? (Bea is our perfectionist in the family.)

me: you don't think they're imperfect when you choose to do them; you think they're perfect, especially when you haven't spent time with God a lot.

Bea: ok.

me: (silent prayer: God, where is she going with all this??? Holy Spirit, help me!)

Bea: so if i don't want to do imperfect things that i thought were perfect, i should spend more time with God?

me: yes. so you will know God's Heart. and His Heart connects with your heart more strongly. and you can hear His Heart in your heart more clearly.

Bea: ok. that makes sense.


by this time, we had arrived home.

and Bea ran out to eat her newly-bought Berry Strawberry ice cream in front of the tv.

while i-- i am left with these thoughts, and shell-shocked by the experience.



whoa, where did all that come from???

getting better

it still comes, this gnawing, anxious feeling that eats at me, especially when i'm "doing nothing" or not doing much in line with my To Dos and my schedules... it still comes.

but i'm getting better at dispelling it now: i know my bottomline priorities and i'm kinder, gentler to my self now.

i've also adopted the philosophy that if things can't be stuffed into one full day, despite my best efforts, then they were really not meant to be done today.

i've also some to respect and honor the flows and cycles of Life as they come-- sometimes what we think should be done ASAP might usually be better off being left alone for now and allowed to take further "cooking and stewing", in the bigger scheme of things.

and then there is my meditation practice, thank God for it! it'll be 3 years now this December, and i'm getting better at intentionally carving out time and space for my self for it, and i've found that indeed, the busier one is, the more one needs this holy solitude to ground and center one's self in.

now, it has come again, this gnawing, anxious feeling that eats at me, telling me that i should be doing something else more "productive"... but i stay here, with my self, preparing for meditation.

i have learned that when this voice comes and nags me to keep "doing", most often, it's a signal for me to stop and stay ... and learn. that there is something going on inside of me, or in the subterranean depths of my life, that i need to pay attention to... but the ego is uncomfortable, would rather escape into "activities"... yet the Soul demands complete and focused attention.

and so, i stay, despite the discomfort it brings.

and so, it still comes.

and then, it'll go, i know that much, for sure, now.

Building Futures with the IDS

Aug. 27, 2009; 1:30 p.m. - It is way past my regular lunchtime, and I have just finished my last of two IDS (Interdisciplinary Studies) 109 classes since 10:30 this morning. My stomach is hungry, yet my soul is full.

IDS 109, or Futures Principles and Futures Planning, is a major subject taken by IDS students to train them in futures thinking and in applying selected futures studies methodologies. We had the start of their group scenario building presentations on their selected and approved topics today.

In previous sessions, we did group exercises on scenario-building by using prepared data from Ging Deles’ presentation on Emerging Scenarios in the Philippine Political Environment for 2010, and Al Gore’s film documentary on climate change and global warming, An Inconvenient Truth.

Scenario-building is a futures studies method used especially when the circumstances and information are dynamically-changing and one wants to get a “hold” on what is coming, so one can better prepare and take proactive action.

In our IDS 109 class, we have distilled the method down to its essence. The students are asked to build their Possible Futures (Status Quo, Worst Case and Best Case) as well as their Preferred Future on an issue, before they outline their recommendations for strategic action.

This morning, they started presenting their own full cases, researching data for their selected issues and presenting the global and Philippine situations for these issues, before they present their scenarios and recommendations for strategic action.

In the 1030am class today, they presented their scenarios on the Futures of Work, Futures of Philippine Out-of-School Youth, Futures of Relationships and the Futures of Weapons/the Arms Industry. In the 1200nn class, they presented their scenarios on the Futures of the Philippine Militant Mass Movement, the Futures of Families, and the Futures of Food Security. In the first week of classes after Midterm Exams, more groups will be presenting on such issues as the Futures of Education, Jobs, Energy, GMO Food, Drugs, Population and even Sex!

I was very impressed with the depth of analysis and the richness of the scenarios the students presented today. Setting aside certain formatting weaknesses in the order of one or two groups’ presented topics, I felt both gratified and humbled at seeing them research information from many sources, putting this often-times seemingly unrelated information together, and coming up with analyses and scenarios that are at once deep, multi-disciplinary, experientially-truthful and achingly rich and still hopeful (preferred scenarios) despite the worst possible implications they also came up with.

For instance, the Futures of Weapons/Arms Industry group (August Baniel, Jeremy Fernandez, Shaundell Ferrer, Evrel Mabugat and Raffy Remitio Jr.) pointed out how, since war is a big, global business, to effect a just and lasting peace in the world, we must also make it more “profitable” for those already engaged in war to engage in peace. They pointed out that it’s not a question of having no money to take people out of poverty, but that the money is there, and it is just used for war.

The Futures of Family group (Laura Jane Biong, Berlyn Deoric, Ruth Ordoyo, Brian Palencia and Anne Villar) pointed out how, globally and nationally, the structure and dynamics of families are changing, facing multiple demands and challenges brought about by globalization in the context of families “breaking up” because of parents’ career and job demands and transfer to urban areas, intercultural marriages, single parenting and young children basically left to parent themselves early on. In their recommendations for strategic action, they proposed family-friendly employment environments, civic and government programs for the family, and a basic family-first orientation in otherwise business and government structures and systems. They discussed how doing otherwise have very damaging impacts on everyone concerned, affecting even our economic and societal lives.

I am looking forward to Sept. 8, when the groups resume their presentations again, with some groups even telling me that they have prepared video versions of their analysis and scenarios.

For now, times like these tell me—I am so blessed in the kind of work that I do, working with these young minds and hearts, having both the opportunity of influencing them and being influenced by them, and daily being able to shape and craft unfolding futures in a more solid and tangible manner, in my constant interactions with them.

With the IDS and students like these, the future is in good hands, after all.*

my Silence here

is it because i speak with my heart now

that words only get in the way?

this heart is full.

let my Silence speak.

Stop the BS and take it back to where it belongs-- Stop Con-Ass!

Bayan Ko

Stop the bullshit.

Bayan Ko / Pilipinas Kong Mahal

Conspiracy of the Rich

Read this as a crash course on the global financial crisis and why we have gotten into this mess and who are responsible for it and what you, as an individual, can do about it...

Read this to save your life.

mortal thoughts

bea is in my bed, sound asleep. thea and polo are with their dad, for a change. i am alone in a quiet house, my thoughts my only company.

i had a good day today--ticked off most of my little To Dos (although i still have 3 left... oh well, i'll just move them to tomorrow, as usual), had a fun time meeting with colleagues in my Econ. Dept. over lunch at Sugarland's Twist cafe, went grocery-shopping (To Do for tomorrow moved to today) with bea for polo's birthday party on april 29, and had dinner with bea too at Kuppa enjoying a quiet time together.

the thoughts occupying my mind since lunchtime today, though, are about my health. i found out at the meeting how to go about availing of our university health care, which i've never availed of (except for dental services) all these years i've been at the university.

i've been feeling mostly fatigued since late last year; i thought it was just grief from papa's and mama's passing just a year ago, but now im not so sure. i know for sure i have high blood sugar levels; i've been using papa's leftover home tester and testing my self weekly until the strips ran out. and i've asked my sister-in-law to issue me a prescription for low-cost but effective metformin...

i've also been really serious about taking better care of my self, converting to using pi water for drinking at home, eating more fruits and veggies, sleeping and resting whenever my body asked for it, exercising more with my long walks, meditating more, divesting my self of many commitments and just basically simplifying my life.

still, i can't help feeling anxious.

i'm basically all alone now, with papa and mama gone, and my two siblings with their own families to take care of, with still 3 young children in my care.

i've just texted a doctor-friend a best friend recommended, as to when would be a good time for me to visit her tomorrow; i'm still awaiting her reply.

basically, i've learned from the lunch meeting that to avail of our university health care without paying a cent, or at most paying minimally, one has to get one's self admitted to the hospital for at least 24 hours, and have one's doctor order for all tests there.

i'm okay about seeing the doctor for consultation tomorrow or soon. i feel anxious, though, about going to the hospital, and admitting my self, alone, and staying there overnight, alone.

the memories from taking care of papa here, and then mama in Georgia, in January to March last year are still raw; it feels like i've had my fill of hospitals for a lifetime already.

and i dread the thought of sleeping on a hospital bed alone. i've heard enough ghost stories from the nurses.

and even if there were no ghosts, what if some crazy person came in and murdered me in my sleep?

the obvious solution would be to have somebody there with me. i would love for one of the kids to go, but it wouldn't be good for them, having to sleep on a sofa. it wouldn't be good for me, too, having to take care of them when i should just be concentrating on resting and taking care of me.

i could ask our household helper, who's also been the kids' nanny... but who will be left alone with the kids?

i could ask my sister for any one of her household help... or even Nanay Asyon, our own nanny while we were growing up and who's still in our family home...

but then again, i also would like a quiet day and night all to my self, reading, and not talking to anyone else unless necessary.

sigh.

i remember i used to say to my self when i was in my 30s that i'd never get this old-sounding like the people around me: talking on and on about their health and tests and medicines.

but now it has hit me, right smack when i turned 40! not only because papa died 9 days before my birthday, and mama died 10 days after my birthday last year, and i was almost living round-the-clock in hospitals halfway across the world from each other... it was also when i discovered my incredibly high blood sugar levels when i had my self tested for it while waiting to get blood for papa at the blood bank and laboratory during one of his crisis times before he died.

sigh.

so this is it: my mortality staring me in the face.

no wonder i've been feeling so fatigued, if not for anything else.

somehow, much of the world has lost its taste for me-- except for my children, and my writing. the rest can go hang.

i'm feeling like i'm just marking time here now.

what to write?

what to write here?

i am stumped.

this is funny and ironic, considering that this blog started my blogging life and deeper immersion into the online world some 5 years ago, as well as birthed 3 more main blogs, and then 2 or 3 more sub-blogs (children of the main blogs), plus at least 4 Wordpress blogs, my own author site and blog, and my various social networking blogs and notes.

lately, i've been mostly engaged with Facebook, so that must account for my non-writing here, as well as in my other blogs and sites.

i suspect, though, that maybe it's because Mama -- my number 1 blog follower-- is gone, and so one of my main motivations for keeping the blogs up and alive is gone, too. it was not only my way of keeping in contact with her aside from emails, but a way of letting her into my world, in a side-stage kind of way. there are things you can speak about to strangers but you cannot speak about to your mom in a personal email. blogging helped facilitate that in-between world.

even B does not follow my blogs anymore. : ( i guess we know each other deeply enough for him to not have to do that. but i still wished he would. you can never know a person deeply enough, if you care to look closer. every moment changes us, if we care to pay more attention. and life is so short!

lately, i've even been tempted to just erase all my blogs and my presence here online, except for my author site and blog. like a way of starting all over again, clean slate.

but then again, i am still attached to my old posts, if only as a way of revisiting who i was before from time to time, and measure it with who i am now.

maybe, too, it's because i've turned back to handwriting in my physical journal now, as well as turned to my morning meditations first thing in my days... there are things one knows but cannot speak of without demeaning them somehow. there are things that have to be experienced and felt to be fully understood. there are things simply beyond words...

oh well, so... life has happened.

am i less of who i am because i share less here? or have i, actually, become more of who i am because i keep to my self more?

time will tell.

Life will let me know.

audacious living

would you believe i'm going to a "high tea party" at the city's poshest subdivision in a little while, with Paolo and Bea tagging along, with only P200 in my wallet and official payday still 10 days away?

but no one would know unless i tell them, right? ) besides, the kids and i are dressed like we belong there. heehee.

what the heck. i got an rsvp invitation when i emailed them to ask about their land rates a few weeks ago. so i accepted!

most people would call it foolish. audacious even.

i call it living my Dreams. now. every chance i can, every opportunity i'm offered. just getting into the "feel" of it, at the very least.

the more you feel like you're one with it, and it's one with you, the sooner it manifests for you, physically. that's how it has always worked for me.

and it just occurred to me now-- isn't it funny that the most ardent naysayers are the ones who also don't have what you want? and they have the gall to "advise" you on why it can't, won't possibly happen?!

"My One Boobed Mamma" now on Amazon and B&N!

My third children's book, My One Boobed Mamma, is now on Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble! Yay!

(Please click on "Amazon.com" and "Barnes and Noble" above to link to the exact pages. Thank you!)

Happy International Women's Day to all the brave and soulful women out there!

hello, goodbye

i have not heard from you
since New Year's Day--
'makes me wonder if
you've died.

but i've scanned
and searched
the Wheaton obituaries
and your name wasn't there.

it would be so easy
to think:
your Silence
is a reflection
on my value.

but not anymore.
i know better now.
thank God!
for saving me
from that crap.

people can break
or shut down
under pressure;
i don't.
(not break, at least;
shut down, yes.)

that's how i choose
to think
about your Silence
now.

so, the first day
after i turned 41
i said hello again--
that is,
if you are still alive,
only with a horrible case
of cabin fever.

my hello
could also be
my goodbye.
that is up to you
to take
or leave.

so,
hello.

Spring
is coming.

if you're not careful,
you'll lose me
forever.

just enough

i left school early today (my IDS classes called off, for IDS Week) to pay the electricity bill, and then to shop for food and stuff for the home as it's my turn soon (the ex takes care of the food needs every 16th to the 31st of the month).

when i received my university pay a few days ago, plus my butterfly biz dollar commission at around the same time, i felt thankful that i had double the pay all my other colleagues usually receive, since they just rely on their university work. for me, i felt "mucho" then, and it was a good feeling. : )

but when i lay down with my self these past few days (i like to lie down on my tummy in bed when im doing bills, the position seems to make my mind clearer, more alert), counting up all the bills and payables against the money i've just recently received-- i was dismayed to find that it still wasn't enough. : (

of course, it's almost always this way for everyone, i realized...

but since i've committed to paying my self first (by putting away first the 10% of all incomes received) last Feb. 1, i was pleasantly surprised to have had actually extra money come in from other sources-- like a hefty refund from the university bookstore for a bookkeeping error they made, and even a surprise $110 check from my short-lived fumbles with internet marketing a year ago (i was on for only two months, and invested around $80; i guess this is profiting time now huh? except that i stopped my sites and memberships then ... so whatever incomes i'll still receive would be passive, residual incomes... hmmm... at least now i know these stuff do work!)

so it added to my mucho feeling these last weeks, like it was the Universe's way of supporting my attempts to not only become more fiscally responsible but even grow towards becoming fiscally powerful!

still, as i walked down the grocery aisle this afternoon, mentally calculating and recalculating my grocery bill when i'm done, i felt more and more deflated as i realized i even have to wipe out whatever Asset Buildup Fund (that's what I call my 10% stash) i've built up so far, not only with the increased food and grocery prices, but also paying for the additional expenses for Thea's Prom, which is due in a week.

i came home feeling deflated... defeated even.

maybe it's just better to just go back to the old ways and not even attempt at my Asset Buildup Fund... who was i kidding? : (

but then, as i turn on some meditation music and set the table for my lunch (even if it's takeout, i prefer to eat the food as if i'm on fine dining :> ), and then savor a long shower... i started mentally calculating again the remaining needs i have to cover before next payday, and i am again amazed at how the money i have left now is EXACTLY the money i'll need to cover for the remaining needs!

knock on wood, barring accidents and emergencies, i actually have just enough.

always.

i used to call it a miracle, but when it happens more often than not, i think now that it is really how Life is, when we just go with the flow, do our best in each moment, and leave the rest to God.

"Give us this day, our daily bread"... so, yes, we do have our daily bread always, in just enough proportions for the needs of the day.

for the rest of the uncontrollables and unexpecteds, my children and i just live again on God's Grace, even as having just enough now is also God's Grace.

and then, i remember how i took my one year unpaid university leave last school year-- i only actually had savings enough to tide us over for the next month but people didn't believe me when i said i was just living on God's Grace. they thought that if i had the audacity to take a year's unpaid leave off from work for A YEAR, i must have at least a year's savings stashed, too!

well, in a way, i guess, i had. although it wasn't in my accounts nor in my pockets yet... heehee. they were still in Heaven, on the way to me, and available only for withdrawal when the need arose! ; D

so, see, dear heart? if you survived that audacious, crazy year and even managed to travel to the US twice (and not at your own expense), how much more now and the coming days when you actually have more of your wits and "rationality" about you, and with your intention now to "break out of the rat race and start making your money work for you" ( per "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" Robert Kiyosaki's advice)?

do not be afraid, dear heart.

you have enough.

you always have enough.

and you are always taken care of.

you know that.

Consumatum est

Consumatum est.
The Truth is finally revealed--
I was used
with my half-conscious consent:
niceness and kindness
and too much live-and-let-live,
my own chains;
the princess bird in her gilded cage
all over again.

Consumatum est.
I finally woke up,
though slowly,
to my own awakening.
One can only take so much.

"Piggy-backing",
Doing one thing yet naming it another,
As a matter of fact,
As a matter of course.
Call it what you will,
I still call it lying.

Consumatum est.
The Lie is finally put to rest.
I will have no part of it anymore.
Consumatum est.

Brighter Days

song by Ronan Keating

I've done a lot of
Living in my life
Chased my share of
Rainbows in the sky
Before I stopped to
Ask the question why
I've fallen out of love
Too many times
But now I see
The possibilities
Oh how my life could be

[CHORUS:]
From any other love
I'd walk away
Love is temporary
I would say
Now each night I
Find a reason to stay
With you there's
Always brighter days

I've broken a heart
A heart or two
I've let the curtain fall
I guess, it's true
The thought of
Something borrowed
Something blue
Was something that
I never could pursue

But now you're here
My doubt has disappeared
The clouds are gone
It's clear

[Repeat chorus]

Even on the coolest nights
Even when the
Sun won't shine
It's sweeter in
The morning time
Just knowing that
You're there

[Repeat chorus]

this news made me cry

93-year-old froze to death, owed big utility bill

what kind of a world have we come to???

25 (not so) Random Things

Rules: Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

25 Things

1. I am half Chinese by blood, a fourth Spanish, and a fourth crazy. Err, I also meant a fourth Filipino (but who is the Filipino with no other races' blood mixed in)?
2. I am a reluctant Chinese. I spent my kindergarten, elementary and high school years in a Chinese school, but I refuse to speak Chinese. Probably out of rebellion for the very strict, authoritarian (no questions asked, especially from girls) upbringing.
3. Funny thing, though-- I LOVE Chinese food!
4. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
5. When I grew up I wanted to be a book author. But then, Papa said writers starve. So then, I wanted to be a doctor. But then, Papa said with my very sensitive (he called it weak) constitution, I couldn't stand the pressure. So then, I wanted to be a nun. Papa went speechless with that. : )
6. Now I'm a happy book author and teacher and mother.
7. I discovered as early as age 6 that what I fervently, earnestly prayed for with all my heart, mind and soul, came true.
8. At age 6, I prayed that my (baptismal) name that I was using then, "Jeanette", be changed into "Mary Jane" (because of a popular song then which went, "Mary Jane of my mind..."). When I entered grade 1, the school asked for my civil-registered birth certificate, and lo and behold, even my parents were surprised and confused, my name was registered as "Mary Jean"! : O Civil registry clerks had a lot of power then... they typed whatever was convenient for them, and parents signed without checking.
9. Lately though, I've been using "Jeanette" again-- my spiritual name, as I've come into my own, come back to my own spirit at last.
10. I still feel so eternally blessed that I was able to pass through the proverbial needle of
a horrible marriage, had it annulled both civilly and in church, and came out much better for it. That's why I'm so careful now with just thoughtlessly giving my precious freedom away again... Uh-oh, not this time. I peer keenly into a man's CHARACTER now, especially in stressful, conflict situations. That's always the best test. (Shhh... sometimes when the going gets too easy... I make myself BE the stress! :> )
11. There are only 3 Rules I live by now-- always be true to your Self/follow your heart; be honest, be kind.
12. My deal-breakers: dishonesty (yes, including not being true to one's word) and cruelty in all forms.
13. I am an incurable romantic and indefatigable optimist.
14. I also love sex... and good food, and travel, and learning about many cultures, and books, and Nature, and long walks, and children, and good coffee with good conversation ... well, all the abundance of Life, really!
15. I am tired of starting all my sentences with "I" here, and my mind is going blank. But, Adeline started this, and is waiting for my turn.
16. I meditate regularly, almost daily, for 30-minutes to an hour. It keeps me centered.
17. I write on my journal daily, too. It keeps my mind clear.
18. I am relieved to see I'm on No. 18 now! : )
19. I can never over-repeat this: I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
20. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
21. I am also allergic to alcohol. Once I passed out just from Maria Clara Sangria. And even if I just taste beer suds or take a sip of wine or whisky, I turn beet red. Once in Romania, though, I drank two bottles of red wine, straight, just to keep warm. And then my older companions advised me to drink pitchers of water at the hotel afterwards, to prevent a hangover. I woke up very late, but feeling heavenly, with no allergic rashes at all. Maybe that's the exception.
22. There are only a few things I want to devote my energies to for the rest of my life now: being in good health (for me and my loved ones); living a happy Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family life with my Soulmate for the rest of our lives; helping touch and transform others for the better through my gifts in writing and speaking; and traveling the world with my Love and our children.
23. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
24. I am allergic to blamers and complainers.
25. I am allergic to blamers and complainers. Enough said.

Thank you for reading down to here--congratulations! : )

Now it's your turn.

i miss the hungry years

Please click here.

The Path to Joy

10 Principles of Spiritual Optimism by Deepak Chopra ( please click on "10 Principles" to get to the complete article. )

(Adapted from "Why is God Laughing: The Path to Joy and Spiritual Optimism" by Deepak Chopra, Harmony Books, 2008)

***

i want to post here the pictures and diary of my kids' and my Grand Manila Vacation last Dec. 19-24 where we did the rounds of Ocean Park, Enchanted Kingdom, Museo Pambata and Fort Santiago, The Fort and Bonifacio High Street, even a special trip to the Philippine Army's Civil Military Operations School and the American War Memorial (courtesy of my one and only and best brother in the world!), and of course, Star City and a little ice skating and shopping at Mall of Asia to round it up, while sandwiching in between their U.S. non-immigrant visa interviews (yep, they were approved with 10-year multiple-entry visas each, and without even being asked for our docs! ohhhhh God is soooooo great!)... but the 250plus pictures take so long uploading, and i'm not in the mood right now for copying our diary to this blog... so that will have to wait for better times, and im posting the one above instead as my way of contributing to a Happy 2009 for all of us! : )

Abundant New Year blessings!

questions

once, while introducing Peace Journalism to a group of campus journalists, i asked the question--

"what five-letter word do we always speak of, hear of, write about, talk about, but can never get enough of?"

of course, the answer was a give-away: "Peace", and the audience almost simultaneously spoke it.

then, i asked--

"how come? if we speak, hear, write, talk about it so much, how come we still don't have it in our midst?"

that took a while answering. and the audience fell silent for a couple of minutes.

then, somebody ventured, "maybe, it's because we don't live it out yet? when we actually live something out, we don't even speak of it anymore?"

i smiled and nodded, and the audience guffawed when i said, "just like sex, no? the people who keep talking about it are the ones who are not having it in their lives, true?"

: )

***

this makes me wonder now about which is deeper, truer then... the pain that one can speak of and describe in all its gory, gnashing detail--

or the one which renders one wordless?

...

in the same vein, which is the truer, deeper love then... the love that everyone knows about because one announces its every nuance and development--

or the one which is kept in the silence of one's heart?

wow

this is what my Tarot.com horoscope said yesterday--

Wednesday, Nov 26th, 2008 -- People more powerful than any you've known will enter your life over the next decade, forcing you to reassess your priorities. This may take a while to notice, but it can begin as you get involved with new social groups or organizations. Not surprisingly, as your friends change, so will your world. Even if you cannot yet fathom what's ahead, just remember to voluntarily let go of the past when it's time. Struggling to hold on to the wrong things can exhaust you when you need your energy for something more important.

and this is what it says today--

Just give yourself the space to dream big because anything is possible. The greatest limitations at this time will arise from within your own mind.

A cosmic explanation for the Obama era

From my Astrocenter.com free subscription email:

Change is coming, fight it as you may! The expansive, worldly sign of Capricorn welcomes Pluto this week for a 16-year stay, heralding a time of complete global transformation - in economies, structures, and governments.

On a more personal aspect, this is what Pluto (the planet of transformation) in Capricorn (the sign of worldly matters) has for me--

A New Moon in your career zone on Thursday paves the way for a new beginning, especially if you're embarking on a new job. Your first tentative steps will lead to great things. Pluto moves into your social zone on Wednesday, where it will remain until 2024. It's going to transform your social life from the inside out, bringing you new high-powered friends and encouraging you to be practical and realistic about your long-term hopes and dreams. You're going to be in the spotlight whether you want to be or not. Get ready!

Wow.

Does this explain all the "fame" I've started to experience lately, as a preview and jumpstart of things to come?

Wow.

***

For more on Pluto in Capricorn, please click here.

Some points I'd like to highlight about what this astrological transit means, though:

Pluto transits typically include a breakdown phase, where structures that no longer serve us are dismantled to make room for new structures that are more in line with our spiritual evolution. I like to think of these periods as course corrections, where our guides or gods decide that certain changes are required. If we understand the process and can surrender to it with trust, this can be an exhilarating time of transformation and empowerment. If we resist and hold on to the past it can be full of tragedy and pain.

When Pluto goes through Capricorn we can expect the transformation of all things ruled by that sign - such as our religious institutions, halls of government and political structures, the way we inter our dead and take care of our old people, construction techniques and buildings, and how we handle ownership of property.

Pluto will be entering Capricorn for the first time January 25, 2008 and will retrograde back into Sagittarius one final time on June 14. It will journey back into Capricorn on November 26, 2008 and remain there until January 21, 2024. For sixteen years, Pluto will engage in a process of breaking down and then rebuilding the structures on which we depend for a successful experience in the material world.

8 Ways to Increase Hope

Don't let bad news and depressing outer circumstances get you down. You can still create hope, for your self and for others. To read more, please click here.

1. Be kind to your self. Take "care breaks" as frequently as you need to.

2. Create a daily 5-minute silence ritual to stay connected to your Soul.

3. Curtail your intake of news.

4. Treat each day like a precious gift. Be vigilant in looking for things and people to appreciate. What if today was the last day of your life?

5. Take a break to savor Nature and to remind you of the timeless ways and truths of Life.

6. Express love tangibly.

7. Say this affirmation every day and see where it leads you: "I am the key to Peace."

8. Make a positive difference. Our accumulated gestures of care and compassion will ultimately transform our lives and the lives of others. We are each the source of that transformation.

children

My 8-year-old Bea keeps saying lately how she wants to be the first lady President.

of the United States of America.

: ) : ) : )

***

i'm scheduled to do a volunteer storytelling session with 3-4 year-olds on Monday at the Provincial Library, whose librarian asked me to do so some weeks ago, in celebration of National Book Month.

it's strange how I'm feeling jittery and self-doubting about my ability to engage my audience, when I've been going around the country these past few years training and speaking to even thousands (1,700 has been my biggest audience so far) of older people!

there's something more special, even sacred, with having a session with 3- to 4-year-olds, i guess. they're purer, clearer, more transparent, more honest-- either you jell with them or you don't.

God help and bless me and these children! May our time together be mutually enriching and blessed!

3:44 a.m. thoughts

the kids and i bought a new 8-foot Christmas tree and its matching ornaments of green, gold and copper today. Thea wanted an autumn look.

they put it up and decorated it as i watched.

our trees grew over the years as they grew, from a 3-foot one to a 6-foot one, and now our big and tall, 8-foot majestic tree almost touching the ceiling.

we all beamed joyfully as we ate the fusilli pasta Thea and Bea made earlier, over candlelight (since it was a brownout), and i proclaimed as we admired our "Royal" tree, "first a bigger, more elegant tree, next a bigger, more elegant house!" : )

***

i miss Papa and Mama.

I'm in Inquirer! : )

Negrense writer goes international < (click)

"Tight Times" nominated for National Book Awards TWICE!

I am honored to learn that "Tight Times" has been nominated in the Manila Critics Circle's and the National Book Development Board's National Book Awards for books published in 2007 not only once but TWICE-- for children's literature and best design.



To think that among the three stories I submitted for PBBY Salanga 2007 before, I thought "Tight Times" was the "weakest" because it required less effort from me in terms of craft, that it just flowed when written...

Hmmm... come to think of it... so did "Papa's House, Mama's House" (PBBY Salanga 2004 grand prize winner)!

***

Maybe the writing flowed in these because the effort was in the months and years of actually living them out.

IPRA memories, Leuven, Belgium (July 15-19, 2008)

Photobucket Album

surrounded by angels

i have 7 kids aged 8 to 15 sleeping in my home.

my 3 treasures--Thea, Paolo and Bea-- had such fun with their cousins at the Greenhills Memorial Park yesterday, they wanted to sleep over at Angkong's and Grandma's mausoleum! in the end, they decided on a happy compromise (as the cemetery had to close by 10pm): sleep over at my home instead.

my place's being the next best thing to Angkong's and Grandma's mausoleum is something i consider a compliment. : ) apparently, the kids feel comfortable with me and trust me enough for their joy and fun.

so, after we got home from the cemetery at past 11pm last night, i proceeded to my own bedroom to sleep, while their evening had just finally started.

as i slept, they had the run of the house, doing as they pleased-- some tinkering on the piano organ, some watching dvd copies of The Simpsons, some chatting on the net, some playing card games, and everyone feasting on the leftover-food-from-the-cemetery-celebration on the table, including the tub of Mahinay native ice cream we brought home with us.

now, the house is quiet as everyone (except for Redd, who hasn't slept yet!) is asleep. : )

as for me, i must've mastered the art of sleeping amidst chaos, as i slept very soundly, peacefully and happily last night.

on second thought, who wouldn't sleep so well, knowing one is surrounded by angels?

Today's Sharing: Soul and the Alchemy of Crisis

I'm not really in a sharing-my-self mode lately, more on inner-journeying, hibernation mode, but here are some stuff I find beautiful, and which reflect where I'm at right now, too...

We all flow from one fountain—Soul. All are expressions of one love. God does not appear, and flow out, only from narrow chinks and round bored wells here and there in favored races and places, but He flows in grand undivided currents, shoreless and boundless over creeds and forms and all kinds of civilizations and peoples and beasts, saturating all.
-John Muir

***

In The Alchemy of Crisis, my favorite quotes:

... "How do you live?" Not only survive to save your skin, but how do you survive as a soul? How do you reinvent yourself after catastrophe? How do you handle the really extreme things that life deals you and come through intact—and with curiosity and interest and enthusiasm in your life?

- O -

You have these moments when you snap awake, and you’re in the present. And it happens so rarely that when it does, it feels like almost like an altered state. And you think, "What’s different now?" And what’s different is that my eyes are open and I’m seeing. I’m actually here. These sacred moments are happening all of the time. But we’re in a kind of trance. We’re in a workaday, mundane hallucination of ordinariness. And what you realize is when you touch mortality, where life and death meet, that’s where epiphanies happen. Nothing is ordinary. What could be less ordinary than being alive? On this mysterious planet? It’s extraordinary.

And when you have that experience, it changes how you see. Not permanently, in every minute. You're still screwed up, struggling you, but you have a reference point for something that’s beyond mundane.

- O -

What’s the difference between people who transform in crisis and people who melt?

One of the most important things is being able to imagine yourself in a new way. If you can’t, it’s very hard to come through fire. When mystics talk about ego-death—it’s a very literal experience. It doesn’t feel good. It’s not easy. But you realize you are so much bigger than you thought you were.

Most of us have to be forced, kicking and screaming, to give up our ordinary life, even if we’re not happy. That’s what’s amazing. A lot of people would rather hold on to the hell they know. And those are the people who melt. One guy I spoke to, he was in the hospital for eight months and said he could tell within a couple of minutes whether somebody was going to survive or not—and it had to do with whether they were willing to see themselves in a new way. If they couldn’t, they were doomed.

What conditions have to exist for us to imagine ourselves different?

One is the inability to escape. Because most people will run away from whatever is uncomfortable. The inability to escape is a blessing because it really, truly forces you to be there, grow through that, and then transform.

So transformation isn't about will?

No, no. When you’re going through rapids, often it’s surrender that gets you through. That’s why I called the book "When You’re Falling, Dive," because, if you don’t dive, you do so much more damage to yourself and you don’t go as far because you’re kicking and screaming and holding on to the branches. If you dive, you find that life will take you. And you feel—finally—part of something bigger. When you go through it enough times, you start to trust it.

And I’m a control freak. I'm a type-A personality. Your typical macho, idiot guy. But when you can’t control it over enough years, and find that you’ve been taken consistently places you didn’t expect, you start to believe it. You start to believe you’re really not driving the car.

What did you learn from the people you interviewed?

On thing is that loss or change becomes part of who you are. I can be a little transformation crazy, one to just do a 180. But it’s never 180. There’s residue. There are shadows. There’s something that’s left in you from the loss. And that needs to be blessed.

What else did you learn from them?


That your body has an intelligence, and it’s talking to you. But most of the time we’re too busy blabbering to hear it.

- O -

And when you have walked through whatever your fire is, it connects you to the human condition in a way that you’ve probably spent most of your life avoiding and denying. That’s a huge, wonderful, beautiful thing. It deepens you as a person. It humbles you as a person. It opens your heart. It makes you grateful. We forget to have thanks for the things in our lives. People think it’s corny, but it changes everything.

- O -

So, life isn’t blueberries. And nor would you want a constant diet of blueberries. Often it’s the thing that irks you that pushes you forward. For myself, so many of the things that I thought were the most infuriating have been the things that have made me face my s**t and walk through doors I wouldn’t have wanted to walk through. Almost everything that grows you is stuff you would avoid if you could. That's something people can learn about crisis—that it gives you faith in pain. And that sounds weird, but we automatically think if there’s pain, there’s something wrong, and that is really not true. The impulse might be to fight or flee. But bearing is for me, the real revelation.

You realize everyone has their cross— and what do you do with it? You bear it. It becomes a part of who you are. And then you stop resenting the hardship and see it’s the stuff of your life. It’s the shadows in your life that make your life better. People want it easy—they want "life lite."

***

Read more here.

"My One-Boobed Mamma" Debuts!

You can pre-order it now before it gets to Amazon and the major bookstores! ;D

Please click here.

My Probe Team Interview

It's going to be aired tomorrow (Sept. 24, Phil. time) night, at 11:30 p.m., right after Bandila! ;D

For other schedules, channels, countries--

PHILIPPINES
Wednesday, 11:30 PM on ABS-CBN (VHF Channel 2)

Thursday, 4.50 AM on ABS-CBN

Saturday, 5:30 AM on the ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC)

Sunady, 1:30 PM on the ABS-CBN News Channel (ANC)

MIDDLE EAST
Wednesday, 11:30 PM on TFC
Wednesday, 7:30 AM on TFC (replay)

EUROPE
Thursday, 9:30 AM on TFC
Saturday, 5:35 PM on TFC (replay)

NORTH AMERICA - PACIFIC TIME
Friday, 11:55 PM on TFC

NORTH AMERICA - EASTERN TIME
Thursday, 8:50 AM on TFC
Friday, 2:55 AM on TFC (replay)

AUSTRALIA
Thursday, 8:40 PM on TFC
Friday, 7:15 AM on TFC (replay)

***

Do watch and let me know how you find it, please!

Glamor Girl

I had fun being one of the "glamor girls" our colleagues picked to represent our College of Business and Accountancy at the U-Week's first night's show tonight; a welcome light and pleasant change from the usual intellectual focus and challenges I am usually preoccupied-- if not inundated-- with.

We danced to a combination of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend" (we were assigned a 1950s-60s theme) and "Material Girl" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, wearing evening gowns and faux glittery jewelry. I even wore a tiara. : )

I've never really thought of my self as the glamor girl type before; I've always thought I was too big, too tall, too heavy, too fair--compared to the petite, tan Asian-Filipina frame--and too shy and even too plain (the only makeup I wear daily is lipstick, and the only jewelry I wear is a pair of pearl earrings!) to even come close, much less to be considered as a likely Marilyn Monroe type. So, it's also a compliment to be even asked to join in this dance presentation.

I still don't think I'm the Marilyn Monroe type, though. Up to the last minute of our dance practice, it surprised me that some thought I was to be the central attraction as the buxom (buxom?!!! me???) bombshell, acting and lipsynching the part. I thought that was hilarious and I'm still not over it!

In the end, when they saw me come out of the dressing room in my simple long gold gown, with long silk gloves, simple but tasteful jewelry and tiara, they finally agreed on what type I thought I could approximate at least-- Grace Kelly. : )

The Forgotten Grievers

When it hits, it hits hard.

I woke up very early (a little after 12 midnight) last Monday, eager to finish computing the last of my Econ. classes' Midterm grades, so I could surprise them that day with not only fully returned papers but also their Midterm grades, the first day after Midterm exams, and not a week or two after, which is the norm.

So when I met my first class at 9:30am, I was fully prepared. I heard one student comment to another that she can't believe I've returned their papers to them and given them their grades so soon, and I was secretly pleased with that.

Then came my 12:30 class, and everything went well, too, and I was so proud of my self for being so efficient.

By then, though, I had already started to feel a throbbing headache, which I just shrugged away as the effect of waking up too early.

By two o'clock, though, just 30 minutes before my next class, I was feeling so dizzy and nauseous I could barely walk straight to the University Clinic. I only thought to have my blood pressure checked but I couldn't even trust my self to still remain solidly seated while they took my blood pressure, that I went straight to the nurse in charge instead, asked for medication and one of the beds to lie down and rest on.

I was promptly assisted and while I lay down there feeling groggy, but needing to inform my 230pm and 330pm class contacts still that I won't be able to meet them that day after all, I still managed to text them. After which, I put my phone on silent mode and proceeded to go to sleep, hoping I could at least sleep off some of the throbbing headache away.

I remember my last thought just before I dozed off, though-- how, if it weren't for B and the hope of being happily together with him someday, as well as the hope of seeing my children grow beautifully into happy people leading meaningful lives, I'd be happy to die right then and there (!). I remember this because it surprised me even as I dozed off.

An hour later, I woke up feeling better but still groggy and feverish now, and promptly went to the car to drive over to the Integrated School area to pick the kids up.

While waiting in the car (they knew it was pick-up time), I suddenly just started to weep, feeling sorry for my self. Even if I wanted to climb into bed right then and there, shut out the rest of the world and just rest and be babied for a change, I couldn't, as I still had responsibilities to attend to like pick up the kids and shop for groceries on the way home, as food stock at home had run out.

The self-pitying mode spiraled and I started thinking of how, even if I have a good life now, I still have to do everything on my own, and how, even if I have a good love with B now, we are not together yet... how unlucky i am, getting to a good place at last but not really there yet,... and so on and so forth. It helped (or didn't help?) that Meryl Streep was belting out "The Winner Takes It All" and "Slipping Through My Fingers" from Mamma Mia in the car stereo.

By the time the kids came around, I had wept enough to manage to wipe my tears off now and present my happy (well, composed, at least) Mommy face to them.

And so, on to the grocery shopping, then the dinner instructions to the housekeeper at home, then the homework with the kids, and finally, getting my much-needed rest in my own bed a few hours later, with the throbbing headache and fever to a high pitch now.

By early morning yesterday, it was a full-blown case of the flu.

And then, I realized, it's not just the flu.

A little email exchange with B made me realize that this is something deeper than just the flu.

Since June, I have been down like 3 or 4 times, when I never even had the flu for the entire year last school year while I was on leave, and even while taking care of Papa and Mama during their last days at the hospitals.

My thoughts since Papa and Mama died have been mainly on how this world does not appeal to me now, how I've lost my taste for things which used to inspire, excite and move me to work and reach for more, how I've even dreaded going on my all-expenses paid travels now, and how I just wanted to stay home, close to the kids and the things I loved, doing only what I truly desired--reading and writing learning how to cook and bake well so I can feed my family and my self well, and taking long walks in Nature...

I used to think that my parents' deaths have blessed me with this acutely clearer sense of who I am and what I essentially just want in my life; I still do. I also used to think that I've been taking my parents' deaths quite well, compared to many, as I have in fact been flourishing and blooming in so many ways, even people tell me so.

What I didn't realize was that in the subterranean depths of my life, I am grieving so deeply, it takes my body to tell me (and to keep telling me) this now.

I surfed for grieving articles late last night (I slept most of the whole day yesterday, so I felt fully awake and alert late at night instead), and yep, a lot of the physical, emotional and even social symptoms are there: dizziness, nausea, heart palpitations, fatigue and weariness, loneliness and sadness, wanting to withdraw from social contacts, even a sense of wanting to die or dying soon...

This one article struck me most, as I just wept and wept, recognizing my self in it even as I read it: "The Peculiar Grief of the Adult Orphan".

Forgotten grievers, disenfranchised grief, orphaned adults, adult orphans, midlife orphans-- they can't even agree on the term yet, but at least, there is recognition of the phenomenon now, when before, it was just swept under the rug, with "adults (are) supposed to be fundamentally different, quickly dealing with the grief of losing the people that raised them from the cradle."

I wept my self to sleep last night.

I wept so long and hard that I woke up feeling cleared and refreshed, like I've excavated my lungs and heart out of all the dross and pain there, so I guess that's a good thing.

I'm still feverish and groggy this morning, though, so I still called in sick. I even asked the kids if they can just be absent today, too, so I don't have to drive out to take them to school and then pick them up again later today. Naturally, the kids are happy to be free, while I have this temporary reprieve today, at least, from further mommy duties.

What this recent bout with the flu has taught me, though, is to finally sit up and take notice of my grief over my parents' recent deaths and all that it entails, to fully acknowledge now my much-decreased energies and capacity to give to others (I'm glad I refused overloads this semester, and have refused a number of university assignments too; my intuition knows me better than I know my self consciously!), and to not expect my self to perform tasks as well, as efficiently and as generously (loading my limits taking on multiple projects all at once and just multi-tasking) as I used to before.

Lately, I've been concerned about how I couldn't seem to concentrate and take in information for long periods anymore (that's why I have 900-plus unopened emails), in addition to my inability to stay up all night working without paying for it health wise the next day.

I've noticed in my self an increased incapacity and intolerance for bullshit (that's a good thing) with a shortened fuse and fast-boiling temper (not really so good), too.

It's a good thing I've resumed my daily meditations as regularly as I can again. But even that has its challenges, because meditation makes you even feel more onion-skinned and sensitive to energies in and around you even as you become more cleansed... and that's maybe why I have just been so quickly prone to flu and so weepy lately.

When will this end?

I don't know; I don't think I should even expect it to end. The articles I've read say it subsides over time, but at the oddest of times, it comes up again.

I'm just sharing my journey here. It's my way of dealing with it as healthily and positively as I can ...

I don't even expect any answers anymore.

The Secret to a Happy and Long Life

Based on a research on nuns (yes, nuns! ... to minimize confounding variables, the research says), this is the secret (excerpt):

The belief that we can rely on shortcuts to happiness, joy, rapture, comfort, and ecstasy, rather than be entitled to these feelings by the exercise of personal strengths and virtues, leads to legions of people who in the middle of great wealth are starving spiritually. Positive emotion alienated from the exercise of character leads to emptiness, to inauthenticity, to depression, and, as we age, to the gnawing realization that we are fidgeting until we die. The positive feeling that arises from the exercise of strengths and virtues, rather than from the shortcuts, is authentic.

The trait of optimism helps explain how a single snapshot of the momentary happiness of nuns could predict how long they will live. Optimistic people tend to interpret their troubles as transient, controllable, and specific to one situation. Pessimistic people, in contrast, believe that their troubles last forever, undermine everything they do, and are uncontrollable. Optimism is only one of two dozen strengths that bring about greater well-being.

We need a psychology of rising to the occasion, because that is the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle of predicting human behavior.

Read more about it here.

***

Somebody I loved told me once, "Can you tone down your sunny you please? You make me feel worse."

It hurt, very much, considering that my choice to be positive is a choice borne out of the pain and struggle of rising above negativity, not just a blind adoption of some Pollyanna-ish philosophy.

***

Of course I didn't "tone down the sunny me"!

I said goodbye to him instead.

I'm glad I did.

It wouldn't have worked out for us in the long run; he would have been a drag, to say the least.

He would've significantly shortened my life too, haha.

My One-Boobed Mamma

Happy surprise!

I found this while surfing.

I thought My One-Boobed Mamma would be released in early 2009 yet; apparently, it's coming out this August already!

The release of one's work to the public always feels like sending your firstborn out to The Big School. I guess I'll never stop feeling this way about my "creative children", aside from my flesh-and-blood creative children...

May My One-Boobed Mamma reach those who need her most, and may their lives be better from reading her.

It's Time

I intend to die at 80. That leaves me 40 years to go.

For the last 40 years of my life so far, I have been mainly taking, receiving, learning from others, even as I sought to find my own way and become comfortable in my own skin. Now that I am in a good place at last (my own skin : >, knowing my way), I figure it’s time to give back, to “pay it forward” so to speak, as the next half of my life spreads out before me.

One would think that with the many sites and blogs I already maintain, I would stay put with these. Well, I guess I surprise even my self up to now. It’s ideas, gut feel, and spark that get to me best. It’s not really about planning and deliberate creation; it’s more like spontaneous combustion for me.

Way back in 2000, after finishing a creative writers’ workshop, I was asked to deliver the “valedictory” speech in behalf of all my other writer-fellows. I remember summing up the experience of the journey in creative writing as being composed of three levels: first, there is writing for catharsis; then, there is writing for self-expression and self-discovery; then, there is writing for craft and communication.

I guess it would apply to this new endeavor, too, although this is not about creative writing. As I created this new blog (actually, this was the last one in this new series), I also created along with this other blogs (please see Blog Roll) which reflect my interests and passions, as well as my training, education and experience so far.

It’s writing for craft and communication time now, giving back to the world what I have learned so far in my own journeys, studies and reflections.

I see this new endeavor as also a way for me to bridge the link between the so-called experts (the academe, the civil society organizations, even business) in their field that I have worked with for most of my life, with the everyday person and net citizen out there, as that seems to be a vital but still unfulfilled link today.

I have discovered that I have this gift– for linking seemingly unrelated ideas and incompatible people and groups together. Since it’s payback time for me, I might as well use this gift well and to the maximum.

The Net (and WordPress) is a good place to start.

Let Your Life Speak

This made me cry, in a beautiful way. It resonated with me and affirmed how I have been trying to live my life so far, consciously so for the past 6-8 years now... which has been called crazy, at best, by some, and stupid and foolish, at worst, by others...

Well, heck, at least it's MY life, on my own terms... and the peace and joy from all the adventures and misadventures and lessons learned either way is priceless.

Excerpt:

Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening. I must listen to my life and try to understand what is truly about--quite apart from what I would like it to be about--or my life will never represent anything real in the world, no matter how earnest my intentions.

That insight is hidden in the word vocation itself, which is rooted in the Latin for "voice." Vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear. Before I can tell my life what I want to do with it, I must listen to my life telling me who I am.

Read more here.

When All Is Said and Done

Here's to us, one more toast and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left untried
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

from: ABBA's "When All Is Said and Done"

Today's Quotes

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness your daily modus operandi and change your world.

-Annie Lennox

***

Intimacy means that we're safe enough to reveal the truth about ourselves in all its creative chaos. If a space is created in which two people are totally free to reveal their walls, then those walls, in time, will come down.

-Marianne Williamson

***

Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-Ann Landers

***

The only way to get what you really want, is to know what you really want.

And the only way to know what you really want, is to know yourself.

And the only way to know yourself, is to be yourself.

And the only way to be yourself, Jeanette, is to listen to your heart.

I do,
The Universe

: ) : ) : )

What if War was Outlawed?*

July 22, 2008
11:25 a.m.
Phiippine Airlines (PAL) Domestic Airport/Centennial 2 Departure Terminal

I'm at the Philippine Airlines (PAL) domestic terminal right now writing this, as I wait for my 2pm flight back to Bacolod. I have just come in from the 2008 International Peace Research Association (IPRA) Conference in Leuven, Belgium, which theme is "Building Sustainable Futures: Enabling Peace and Development".

The experience was wonderful--intellectually stimulating and culturally enriching, although seeing all those Europeans holding hands everywhere, especially the old couples, drove me crazy with admiring envy and longing for my own holding-hands partner to be with me too!

Sigh.... oh, well, maybe someday soon...

Anyway, one idea which grabbed me during the Conference was the suggestion proposed by two groups of participants, when we were asked to workshop on the peace research agenda for the future via open source technology (THAT is another topic I hope to blog about soon, too!): that Peace IS a BASIC HUMAN RIGHT, and if so, then we must outlaw war!

***

Truly, it got me thinking: how come we make a criminal out of a person who has murdered or even just violently attacked another person, but how come we don't make criminals out of a person or group of persons who decided to hurt, maim, kill an entire people in war?

What if we do, indeed, OUTLAW war?

What if we make it a crime for any body, any state leader, any nation for that matter, to wage war against another? Wouldn't that law and structure itself IMPOSE non-war at least, and force people to seek other options, other methods of resolving their conflicts? Even if its coercion, wouldn't it at least coerce people to seek more peaceful means because they are obliged not to wage war?

We outlaw murder. Why not outlaw mass murder in war?

*Originally, a New Tomorrows post

Home again

arrived last night
via Manila
via Amsterdam
via Brussels
from Leuven
no time
for jet lag

soon after landing
i put on
my car owner robe,
then mommy robe,
then homeowner robe,
asking the kids how their week went
without me
as they feasted on
Belgian chocolates
while i watched the driver
and gave instructions
on next destinations.

we stopped by L'Sea
to buy take-out Chinese food
as homecoming celebration dinner
while i texted two money-exchange contacts
for today's rates
thinking i might convert my Euros to pesos
now
or maybe tomorrow
so i can refund the PJ office soon,
as we arrived home
and the housekeeper
reported on comings and goings,
bills and letters received,
and appliances needing repair
while i unpacked
and then had dinner
with the kids
who prattled on
about their day,
their week
without me,
while i too shared
my new memories
of Belgium
and the people i met,
even the Commission Convenor
i crushed on. : )

no time for jet lag
i woke up at 5am
turned on the pc
checked and started whittling down
new 374 emails
as B found me
and we chatted and caught up
with each other
as i woke the kids up
from their groggy sleep
and i thought to my self
how blessed i am
to have B
who keeps me rooted,
sane


and then it was almost 7am
so we packed ourselves
into the car
as i drove off
steering into my favorite
short cuts
which are actually the long way around
inside subdivision roads
but with no traffic
they take less time
to drive through

and then we're in school
and i drop the kids off
as i turn back
to go home
eat breakfast mindfully,
then continue with my email whittling
as i make the prelim exams
which my students will take
tomorrow and friday

as i text a writing client
that i have arrived last night
still jet-lagged (!)
will resume work on the writing project
by tomorrow
and have it in
by august 1

and then, as usually happens with me,
believing my own white lies,
i begin to feel drowsy and tired--
truly jet-lagged now?--
and so i climb into bed
to sleep
but dream of Belgian landscapes
and rooms
and strangely interesting people instead.

so instead,
i wake up again
to finish the exams
even as i respond
to my vulcanizing mechanic's text
that the Vios jack i wanted
was ready for pick up now
and could i pick it up now?

with 2 of the 3 exams done,
i drive out again
to pay for and pick up the jack,
then proceed on to school
stop by the risograph office
to submit my two exam sheets
as i drop by the bosses' office
to say hi, hello, give a quick report
on Belgium and how i did,
as i gave them their chocolates
and the staff's too.

picking up the children now,
we drop by our favorite mall
on the way home,
for them to get their snacks,
as we shop for
a new flat iron
(the old one at home has conked out),
school supplies for their homework,
and some little gift bags
for me to distribute my chocolates into
for giving to more people;
then, groceries
to stock up on the dwindling stash at home,
then the dry cleaner,
for my Conference suit.

arriving home,
we have dinner
and homework,
as i finish
the last of the exams,
answer more emails,
until i find Bea
has fallen asleep on the couch.
so i pick her up and tried to sleep with her in my bed
even as i convinced Paolo
that it's his turn to sleep with his Manang Thea tonight.

but i couldn't sleep
thinking of a children's story
long percolating in my head
but now boiling into something
with more form
and voice

so i wake up again
and write some notes
as i also read my writing notes to my self
from 3 years,
3 months,
then 3 weeks ago
while i ate roasted almonds
and drank non-alcoholic Cali
(i eat strangely when in a writing mood.)

so it is 2am now of my tomorrow
yesterday
yet i have to write this one last post
after i've finished finetuning an old story
and finally sent it to the Contest
(deadline july 31)
as i put my writing notebook aside
to let the new story cook some more
and i try to lie down and sleep again
but this blog post
runs through my mind instead.

New Tomorrows

There must be more to life than blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims to the events and forces acting on our lives. That is not the way I want to spend my time on this planet.

The same energies used for blaming, complaining, dissing what's going wrong, and generally feeling like helpless victims (it takes more muscles to frown than to smile!) CAN be used for focusing attention on what does go right, what one can still do, what one envisions for one's self and one's loved ones, working on building that vision, and finding like-minded, fine-spirited people who are engaging in and aiming for similar endeavors.

So, when a group of friends from the futures, education, peace and cultural work communities and I got together some weeks ago to catch up with each other and have fun again just being ourselves as well as sharing what we're trying to do in each of our individual lives, the idea of banding together specifically for putting all our vision, faith, knowledge, experience, expertise, resources and networks to good use in this direction was born.

KalayLah GLocal Network (KGN) was conceived.

"KalayLah" as a coined term for the Filipino terms, "Kalayaan ng Lahi", or freedom of the race, freedom of generations. "GLocal", for the coined term "global" as well as "local", and the implied synergy between the two spheres acting on each other as preferred futures are envisioned, created and built.

In one of our later discussions, though, the idea of extending this community further, not necessarily as part of KGN itself, but just as an online global community of people focused on enabling preferred futures was born.

So many social networks abound on the Net now, and they are mainly for self-promotion and keeping in touch as well as making new friends purposes. What if we utilize this grand (also free) resource and opportunity to harness people's attentions and energies not just to tell others about themselves or to make new friends, but to share how they think and see and what they are doing towards the future?

Imagine what can happen with this harnessed energy and potential.

At the very least, I want to be around when it happens. : )

Please check out the new global community on the web, "New Tomorrows".

the gifts of my parents' deaths

people at school keep commenting how i'm looking so bloomingly gorgeous these days, well, actually since the last time they saw me, which was last schoolyear yet.

one colleague said i had an almost otherworldly aura about me. another said i had a glow, and how im looking really younger and more beautiful. one other person said i had an "international, star-quality" aura, whatever that means.... heehee. thank you. : )

i feel it, too, ... well yes, feeling good about my self, my life, like im in the right place and right path at last, comfortable and happy and joyful and content in my own skin, yet also relishing achieving more of my dreams.... and yes, feeling otherworldly, too.

like somehow, as i accompanied Papa and Mama to their last days and hours, i sort of stepped into some zone reserved only for the dying and those died, but which i was allowed the grace to enter and experience.

so now, coming back "from the dead", i feel even more alive, yet also not part of this world anymore.

in-between worlds. that's how im feeling.

so, im finding my self transformed in many subtle but powerful ways these days--

1. i don't sweat the small stuff, and yes, everything is small stuff.

there used to be time when id get anxious and bash my self, especially, for things not turning out as planned, or even for not being able to finish all ive set out to do for the day in my to do list. these days, i simply move them on to another date. i figure, if they can't be done today, then probably today was not enough for them, so they can wait for another day. when things go wrong... oh well, ive been through worse. and i also know things will get better again. life goes in cycles of up and down. the trick is to ride the cycles well, to crest the waves gracefully.

2. im kinder to and gentler with my self these days. i take time, just to savor each little action, each moment spent with a loved one or even just a friend or passing acquaintance. now is really all i have, i am sooo conscious of that now. so i stay in the moment and relish it and feel so deeply awed and thankful for it. i don't engage in anxious, rushing, pressing self-talk now, especially.

3. im even more philosophical and accepting of Life as it comes now, not much shoulds and musts anymore, just letting Life and people and events flow and my responding to them according to how i authentically think and feel and am at any given moment.

4. surprisingly, im finding my self more willing to live with structures and deadlines and schedules and even commit to appointments when people try to pin me down now. is that a sign of settling down, or what? : )

5. i have less and less patience for bullshit and dramas and melodramas, though. when im feeling really in the mood for fun, i tell people to shove off, and enjoy the surprised looks on their faces. when im feeling nicer, i tell people to shove off, but nicer and in a sweeter way. still, i find i have less and less patience for being nice these days. i find im enjoying just being me, however i am, whoever i am, at any moment in time.

6. people ask how ive slimmed down and am looking so great and what's the secret? i kid them by saying, "have your parents die at almost the same time." heheh. but it's true.

practically speaking, im more mindful of the food and drink i take in now, taking care to make only healthier and cleaner choices. is that dieting? no. i just feel that im taking even better care of my self now.

so, condolences... tragedy?

up to now, i still can't see what's to condole about.

Home and Healing

oohhhh i just love this article! it expresses exactly what i have been feeling these days, after i've finished renovating my home: healed, whole, complete, and even more content, no matter what happens. it reminds me of similar true stories like "Under the Tuscan Sun" too!

indeed, the process of even just renovating one's home, refurbishing it, making it look more beautiful and feel comfortable, is just a symbolic manifestation of what's really going on inside-- or vice versa. maybe the process itself also catalyzes certain subtle but powerful transformations going on inside, too.

i went way beyond the budget i initially intended, but what the heck, every purchase i make is an investment of love in my children's and my living space now. the feeling of comfort and contentment and God's Abundance is indescribable and irreplaceable, and it comes more easily and naturally now with the physical manifestations in place and surrounding and reminding us each moment, each day.

Thank you, God, for home, for healing!

cooking lessons and charmed lives

i had a wonderful day today, spending time beautifully with two friends, both 20 years-or-so older than me, but both truly the friends of my heart, mind and soul.

Ma'am Cecille was a former colleague at the University but is now retired and living her life happily doing what she pleases while pursuing her passions in literary research. Ma'am Cora is still a colleague but will be retiring in a couple of years.

Ma'am Cecille and I arranged for me to have my first cooking lesson with her today, and we invited Ma'am Cora to join us too.

the cooking lesson was actually just an excuse to get together again, to my mind. : )

Ma'am Cecille showed me how to make a special and home-made pesto sauce and pasta, garlic bread, as well as her self-conconcted mung bean salad.

i learned more than those, though.

from the way she organized all her "hang-able" kitchen utensils in one whole wall made up of a wooden board with custom holes and hooks bored into them, to how seemingly ordinary everyday ingredients can be made special with just the little touches of extra care and thought, to charming table-setting and presentation, to identifying the herbs in her garden from the shape and scent of their leaves... as well as to living la dolce vita, with just being authentically you, taking on life fully with heart, mind and soul, with focus and passion and nerve.

Ma'am Cecille served us wine and assigned Ma'am Cora and I to learn how to uncork the bottle. we had fun even with that, trying to find a way to do it. first, we tried with one of us sitting on a chair and putting the bottle between her thighs, while the other pulled with the wine bottle opener bored into the cork. that didn't work, so i suggested we do it from the floor, for more stability. then Ma'am Cecille, who was in the kitchen adding the finishing touches to our lunch and seeing us struggling and giggling so, came over to show us a book on wines and we three looked up "how to open a wine bottle" together (researchers and professors to the core, huh?)

in the end, we went back to my sitting down on a chair, not squatting on the floor, with the bottle between my thighs, while Ma'am Cora tugged with all her might (we did it wrong the first time because she both tugged and twisted the opener at the same time).

i normally don't drink because i'm allergic to alcohol and break out in rashes, but for this one special time, i allowed my self one glass, and the tipsy, warm feeling only added to the mid-day glow i felt enveloping us all, as we talked and laughed and shared over the healthy and graceful lunch we ourselves prepared.

for sure, i learned more than just cooking, today.

when im their age, i want to be a lot like them and how they live their lives so authentically from the heart, even as i work on living that way now, every moment, every day.

i didn't break out in rashes after the wine intake, either. my body approves of the treat then. : )

Papa and Mama

that's firstborn, three-month-old me with Papa and Mama, in May, 1968. he was 30 years old then; she was 25.

i miss Papa and Mama, very much.

it's not personal

i don't know how it is for people in other parts of the world but in my part, people have been talking about how everything seems to have gone awry lately:

a couple of days ago, Smart telecoms giant experienced some breakdown so us subscribers couldn't send nor receive messages, whether by texting or calling. appointments were missed, promises broken, as my good friend and fellow blogger Dave Al posts. : )

this morning, Smart-based servers experienced glitches again so those of us subscribed to SmartBro couldn't go online either.

yesterday, i noticed long lines at Metrobank ATM machines near Lopue's East because the BPI machine close to it was offline due to "phone company troubles", its sign said.

this morning, i got an update email from Metrobank saying they're doing a maintenance check tomorrow morning to preempt breakdowns, but to expect some downtime still.

tonight, after a wonderful dinner out, our host and my good friend was surprised to find that our favorite restaurant couldn't take credit cards because their credit card machine broke down due to phone connection troubles.

the people around me are beginning to wonder if it's a conspiracy by some people somewhere.

i told them not to take it personally-- it's Mercury Retrograde! : )

What's a Retrograde?

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. (from Astrology on the Web)

There is no real backwards movement of Mercury; it's just that we see it this way from Earth, because of the combined movement of the Earth and Mercury around the Sun. However, astrologically this is very relevant. (from Astrology Weekly.com)

More from Astrology Weekly.com--

General influence of Mercury retrograde

Mercury rules over the mind's processes, studying, communication, businesses, travels and the like. When Mercury reverses its direction, all these areas are affected as well.

The mind turns naturally inwards and people tend to analyze more their own thoughts and follow the common thinking patterns, rather then be curious and eager for new intellectual experiences or challenges. This helps in meditation or the thorough lonely long-term study of a specific matter, but it affects the study of new subjects, the communication with others, the attention oriented outwards.

Businesses, travels and communications tend to experience delays and different problems. Computers and other processes that work with information may experience crashes, unexpected failures.

Don't enroll for new courses, don't buy expensive Mercurian items (books, cars, mobile phones etc.), don't sign important contracts and do not marry.

What is this Mercury retrograde period good for?

It is definitely a very good period for some actions. No time is completely bad for anything, there is a reason in everything that happens.

The key is the reversed direction of movement: take any known Mercurian action, reverse its flow, consider the keywords "re-doing something", "double-checking", "finish the old projects" and there you are, you've found the good side of Mercury retrograde.

For instance, you may want to read again a book you particularly liked, a subject you studied before, meet and discuss with old friends you haven't met for a long time, travel to places you've already been to before.

This is an excellent time to work on old projects that never got to be finished. So, think about the things you started and never finalized.

Next, you might wish to prevent any bad things to happen to you: so double-check your agenda, call your business partners to confirm that everything goes as planned, have everything ready before the deadline and leave some extra time for unexpected events. Make copies of your important files and documents, save your work more often.

The other solution is to go on vacation or at least slow down the pace of your projects. You will find that going slowly during the Mercury retrograde period will spare you many efforts of redoing the same action that wasn't performed right the first time.

Above all, be generous and compassionate: you are already aware about the influence of this period, but the others aren't aware of it or there may be uncontrollable events. That's why you should have more diligence with the others and give them some more time. It'll be your mental health that you'll be sparing actually.


This period's Mercury Retrograde lasts from May 26 - June 19, and since the Mercury Retrograde is also in Mercury's home sign, Gemini, the sign of the mind and communications, you can expect the retrograde influence to be doubled. (Read more about the "Murphy's Law of the Cosmos" here.)

so take heart and relax: it's not personal--

it's planetary. : )

work with it and go with the flow, or work against it.

peace of mind, or frustration?

it's your choice.

"Life is queer with its twists and turns..."

i remember this line now from an old poem, Don't Quit, that Mama used to post around our "home" (the dinghy mezzanine floor above our store in the public market) while we were growing up (she liked to post a lot of quotes and poems on living life the best and noblest and highest way, despite our miserable physical surroundings...), as i am struck now by how queerly indeed my life has twisted and turned, especially in the past year.

first, i decided to take an unpaid year's leave off from university work, just to rest, relax, and follow my bliss. people thought i had lots of moolah stashed for the full 12 months ahead; they thought i was kidding when i said i was living in God's Grace month to month (i was)!

in June, a love which i thought to be The Love of My Life turned sour, but i consciously resolved not to take it like a victim and to keep my faith and hope for True Love still pure and unsullied instead... and then i met B on July 1, on his birthday!!! : )

then there was the awarding ceremony for my second national book award at the Cultural Center of the Philippines last July, and the fun radio interview out of town, which my kids enjoyed as much as i did (the radio station treated us like superstars, with our own coaster to fetch and bring us back to the hotel and wherever else we wanted to go after the interview).

after that was a children's literature conference i attended where i expected to just be a participant but ended up being like a "grand finale" speaker which got the audience very hyped up and involved.

then the U.S. visa interview with my sis, where the visa officer just asked us questions, didn't even look at the rest of the documents we brought, and then granted us 10-year multiple entry visas each!

then the fun, special bonding time with Mama in the States last Sept-Oct, where we got to relive our teenage years again and fill in the "missing link" in our lives (Mama left us when we were teenagers). we didn't know it was to be our last time with her together, but i think now that she knew all along.

then i come back here in October to have my books launched at The Negros Museum, along with the museum's Storytelling Program, in the midst of the Masskara Festival.

in December to February, both Papa and Mama got seriously sick, having to go in and out of the hospital several times, until they couldn't leave the hospital anymore. Papa was last admitted on Jan. 16, while Mama on Jan. 29. Papa died on feb. 20, and Mama on march 10.

taking care of both, first here in Bacolod, then there in Atlanta, Georgia, was both special and surreal in itself. it was special because i discovered that one gets to forge and develop a new, adult relationship with one's parents one never had before when they were physically healthy and well. now that the tables are turned and they are dependent on you and you are taking care of them, the masks fall off, and you just relate to each other as full human beings in all your best and worst, and you find that if you just show up for them everyday anyway, just dig in there and continue to care for them the best way you can despite the arguments and the rehashing of unfinished business, the Love and Laughter remain and only grow stronger and unbreakable in the end. i would never have exchanged those last moments with Papa and Mama for all the world. it was the sublimest of benedictions.

and it was also most profoundly healing and special that both Papa and Mama just kept on asking about each other in the end. they were in each other's thoughts, even in their semi-conscious and pained states. how's that for deep Love, huh? : )

my brother, Tope, and my sister, Honey, and i-- we kid each other about our parents being Soulmates after all-- despite their stormy and tempestuous love and lives. but we also quietly know that all jokes contain a deep truth in them; we just joke about them because we could only comfortably take them in joke form; the deep truth both scare and awe us so...


yet, it was surreal, too, living in hospitals and around sick and dying people and the medical staff who also help care for them for three months, and then after that, having to deal with the business of funeral homes and cultural and social norms for the dead. it was twilight-zonish, waking up in the morning and not even able to make plans for noontime, because one never knows what happens next. after they died, it was twilight-zonish still, to find that people get so hung up about certain practices and arrangements (and money, yes, money!) and that they can even be the source of a lot of family and friends' dramatics and melodramatics.

in the midst of it all, i was asked to submit a proposal for an international conference, and found out later in April, that i received a full grant for my paper presentation proposal. so now i have been applying for my Schengen visa to Belgium, as well as preparing my paper for the conference.

in the midst of it all, too, B and i found time to be with each other, just the two of us, and it was a most special, special healing and sweet time.

then, there was the most welcome trip to New Jersey and New York, the bonding with cousins we last saw when we were children, and of course, conquering The Big Apple on our own. it was a most precious, healing gift from Tito Tony and Tita Melvi, more than they will ever know...

coming back home, i decided to beautify my home with part of the inheritance funds i received from Papa's estate. so since April, i have been living in home depots and hardware stores most times of the day. : )

now, i am looking forward to spending more special time with B again when his summer vacation starts, even as i prepare to go back to university teaching, refreshed and renewed in my zeal for the calling.

this afternoon, my publisher's staff communicated with me for a single-parenting talk they plan to do in July, a day before i leave for Belgium, and in which i have been invited to speak and share.

then i come home to find an email from Lifestyle Network who wants me to be a guest in their show! ;O

whew.

***

a friend asked me once how i was, and we both laughed when i said, "i'm mastering the art of winging it!"

but it's true. i am discovering now how life is so strange, all the best-laid intelligent plans can fall apart in a moment. no use stressing over the minutiae of the how-tos.

just focus on what brings you joy, and live more of them each moment each day. the rest, just wing it. ; )

true security is found inside, in your knowing and realization that no matter what happens, you can handle it... not really just because of you alone and the strength of character and life skills you have developed, but because somehow, you are taken care of and provided for, always, by both Seen and Unseen Friends of the heart and soul...

another friend shared with me a joke quote once, and which i find most apt now--

Life is short. Don't make it shorter!

: ) : ) : )

NJ and NY Memories, Week 2

Tita Melvi has yet to upload to us the 600plus pics taken from her digicam, so this will have to do for now. (Turn on the music!)

Diary of Week 2--

April 6 - Dinner party at Carteret

April 7 - just stayed at home; i enjoyed doing the laundry on my own, and took a long walk around the neighborhood afterwards

April 8 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park on our own for the first time! visited the Museum of Natural History and just walked half of Central Park and wondered which movies featured which spots (I remembered "Serendipity" and "When Harry Met Sally" :> )

April 9 - Italian lunch at a resto in Port Authority; walked down the avenues to get to 42nd Street to watch "A Chorus Line" (matinee-- the ticket prices are less expensive, and we get near front row seats at that!), then took the subway to Chinatown to meet Tito Tony at Hopkee's where he treated us to dinner. My former IDS student, Andrea Tolentino, met me there too.

April 10 - Honey and I took the bus and then the subway to Central Park again, to visit the Metropolitan Museum of Art and walk the other half of Central Park. we temporarily got lost and boarded the train going to Brighton Beach! Heheh. Well, as Mama used to say, "The best way to finding your way is by getting lost first."

April 11 - Tita Vicky took us to Menlo Park Mall. We watched "Smart People" there and I bought a bear and her clothes at Bear Boutique for our niece, little Angela, Tope's only child and the baby in the family. Later in the evening, Tito Tony and Tita Melvi took Honey, Elmer (our cousin, their youngest, Cecille (Tita Melvi's best buddy) and I out to a Hibashi dinner.

April 12 - lunch (I had "dinuguan"! I missed "dinuguan"!) at Tita Vicky's house, on our way to our cousin Albert and his wife Judy's place at Nutley, where we hung out with cute babies Anna (Al's and Judy's darling) and Kylie, cousin Linus and his wife, Dalia (parents of enigmatic Kylie : > ), and Elmer (who has yet to find his one and only somewhere out there) -- and Tito Tony, Tita Melvi and Cecille. We ended the day with a wonderfully sumptous dinner, both for the palate and tummy, and for the heart and soul!

P.S. to Week 2 --

April 13 - lunch at King's Chef, then flew back to Atlanta via Continental Air. For a while there, we almost got bumped off and I was already wondering if I could buy Victoria's Secret lingerie with the $300 voucher Continental Air would be giving us... well, when you get lemons, make lemonade! : D

April 14 and 15 - Honey and I just stayed home at East Point, to wind down even as we finished the last of the packing for all Mama's stuff to be sent home via Balikbayan Boxes, as well as our luggages.

April 16 - Mama's wonderfully fun friend, Darling Manching, drove us to the malls for Honey's last-minute shopping, and then we had a wonderful early dinner at their charming home in Peachtree City that late afternoon. Dinner: American-style pork chops and Filipino-style dried salted fish and steamed shrimps with achara. Guess which dishes won out? : )

Later in the evening, back home at East Point, after Carmen and I finished our butterfly orders for shipping, Carmen took us out to do our laundry for the last time, en route to the post office.

April 17 - Mama's friends Elmer and Lolit Cortez invited us (Dad Larry, Honey and I, as well as their best friend and Mama's friend too, Elvie, and her kids) to dinner at their beautiful home in Fayetteville.

April 18 - for our "despedida" (farewell) dinner, I treated Dad Larry and Honey to a dinner theatre show of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" at The New Shakespeare Tavern in downtown Atlanta. : )

It's all been like a dream, alright.

my Moms' Day morning

i woke up to find these in our newly-renovated bathroom...

the kids' note says--



'Just because you're the BEST mom in the world and the awesomest woman we know!

:) :) :)

This is also why I've been so quiet here lately:

my "inner sanctum" has been undergoing...

... a major transformation!

The Invisible Mother

I got this as a forwarded email from a friend and fellow mother. This is beautiful and makes a ton of sense. To all the wonderful mothers out there! Advanced Happy Mothers' Day!!!


***

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:
'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Great Job, MOM!

***

The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

lucky day, happy day

my tarot.com numeroscope for today--


Jeanette's
Daily Number: 6

Today is a lucky day for you, in which you're likely to experience progress in your career and/or finances. You feel a sense of closeness with relatives and friends, and an overall healing of the heart. Few things could be better.

***

few things could be better, indeed!

i started out the day waking up late after a good night's sleep, having arrived from newark to atlanta at 10pm already last night. i woke up to find an email telling me that the International Peace Research Association (IPRA) had just approved my paper for a full travel grant to present at a conference on peace journalism in Belgium this July!!! : )

then i was so happy and inspired, i finally decided to bake and cook, at the same time, FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY OWN, today, with my sis Honey just standing by to oversee my progress, and i am soo proud of the home-made bread pudding and paella i produced today! Honey and dad Larry both agreed they tasted great, and i know it's not just to please or humor me, because my own taste buds agreed too!

while preparing the ingredients for baking and cooking, my mind was intensely focused too, on planning my kitchen renovation at home when i get back. finally, i am staking a claim to my own kitchen now as i should!

i also daydreamed about how it would be like to be together with my new husband and our children someday soon (i hope), and how i would feed them delicious and healthy and attractive-looking dishes even as i cared for them as a full time homemaker, while i earned from home, too, with my writing and the family's online crafts and exports businesses... : )

then, my long-delayed Amazon order rescheduled for delivery by UPS (because i wasn't here to sign for them) finally arrived today-- Thea's wished for Canon G9 digicam and Shannon Hale book, Book of A Thousand Days; and my own wished for books, especially Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking and Mary Oliver's book of poems, American Primitive!!!

ohhhh, this has been a day of delicious and abundant food-- food for the mind, food for the body, and food for the heart and soul!

thank you, God.

Spring has indeed come into my life again, at last.

today's quote

Don’t be discouraged by a failure. ...Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, inasmuch as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid.

John Keats (1795-1821)
Poet

NJ and NYC Memories, Week 1

March 29 - arrived Newark airport at around 8am; went to Beacon (Jonas' and Jen's place) after depositing luggage at Carteret

March 30 - went to international car show at Javits Center with Al and Judy and Jonas and Jen, then met up with Linus and Dalia for an Italian dinner at Nonna's; we had our first view of Times Square and Central Park from the car, as Jonas drove us around to point the sights to us

March 31 - stayed at home, puttered around, read, wrote, rested

April 1 - lunch buffet at Filipino restaurant, Colonia's, with Tito Sonny and Tita Vicky Quisumbing; then accompanied Tita Vicky to Walmart for some shopping

April 2 - first bus ride to and from NYC with Cecille, walked up and down 5th to 8th avenues and assisted Cecille as she visited a business contact for costume jewelry distribution

April 3 - stayed at home and read and slept; down with heavy period, felt extremely homesick; chat with B helped a lot

April 4 - dinner at Quisumbing's house in Carteret, too, just a 15-minute ride away

April 5 - Ellis Island and Statue of Liberty Tour

Lourdes Concepcion Patindol Watts

Ellis Island

for the first time since i came to America last September yet, today i felt that i am finally in the real America, its heart and soul, that is, not its flashy accoutrements.

because of a wonderfully perfect sunny yet cool day today, despite dire weather forecasts of a rainy, even a stormy day, tito tony suggested to my sister, honey, and i that he take us to Liberty Park, to join in the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island ferry tour. we quickly agreed, although i had my private reservations.

these days, i have just been wanting to stay home and read, or surf the net and do my emails, or watch movies, not really go out and/or socialize-- just clock time until we go home again. so, half of me hated being pulled away from home this morning, but im glad i let the other half agree to the tour.

before getting there, tito tony even suggested that we skip the Ellis Island tour (he said most tourists aren't familiar with Ellis Island anyway) and just stay on the ferry to go straight to the Statue of Liberty. but once there, honey and i decided to step down anyway and explore it, just out of curiousity's sake.

Ellis Island is where around 70% of immigrants to the United States were processed, before it closed in 1954.

as soon as i stepped into the hallowed front hall of the Ellis Island Museum, and was greeted by large black and white pictures of immigrants in the 1880-1924 peak immigration exodus, along with sample artifacts of the kinds of luggage they brought with them-- i was just suddenly overwhelmed with feeling and i choked with tears.

my first thought was, "oh my god, B's ancestors must have stepped into this same hall too almost 100 years ago!"

as i explored the 3-storey museum, from listening to the very dramatic rendition of the tour guide, to my own wanderings in and out of the many exhibits all over the three floors, reading the quotes from Ellis Island immigrants interviewed in the mid-1980s during the Island's restoration as well as listening to taped interviews with some of them-- i cried quietly even as my heart broke, realizing the struggles and suffering all these immigrants from different countries had to go through even as they pursued their fragile hopes and dreams.

the Filipino Diaspora isn't as unique as i've always thought and felt it was.

of course, intellectually, i understood that many people from all over the world immigrate to other countries, especially America, to build a better life for themselves and their families, but it never hit home for me, until today.

i learned that basically, regardless of race, creed, sex, age and background, all immigrants who came to America before shared the same stories of leaving families and precious histories and cultures behind because of extreme poverty, deprivation due to totalitarian governments, atrocities, war... and they made America the great nation it became (until recently).

i was struck by one quote i read from an Italian immigrant who said (paraphrased): "They told us America was paved with roads of gold. When I came to America, I found out 3 things: there was no gold, it was not paved, and we were expected to build the roads."

i saw America with newer eyes, with a newfound respect and appreciation for its people who built it. i am saying this in contrast to my developed anti-American sentiment from my college activist anti-U.S. bases, anti-U.S. imperialism days : ), which was itself a 180-degree turn from my childhood adoration of Hollywood America as the land where all dreams came true.

in the end, as i shared this insight with honey, i truly felt and understood now too when i also said, "the American government is not the American people."

until today, whenever family and friends would tour us around sights and monuments and memorials, i was curious and interested, but still distant and detached. my attitude was, "okay... hmmm... interesting... and then?... so what?... or, hohum... next please..."

until today, i never really felt like i was in America, but just in another developed country, with all these interesting sights and foreign-looking people to see and interact with.

until today, i merely tolerated being in America.

at the end of the tour, in the lawn outside the Museum, honey interviewed me on video with the cam she brought while we were waiting for our ferry back. she laughed when i said, "I am proud to be an American now, even if I'm not an American!"

when we got home, she told tita melvi, "today, Manang (me; Ilonggo term of endearment for "older sister") just fell in love with America!"

:)

surreal

that's how my life has been since the start of this year: surreal.

first, there was papa's hospitalization and amputation, which necessisated a one-month stay in the hospital, until he died last feb. 20. then, there was mama's hospitalization from stroke, too, two weeks after papa was hospitalized.

the day after papa was buried on feb. 25, i flew to Atlanta, Georgia, to be with mama, who was still in the hospital. she died on march 10, two weeks too after papa died.

then, there was the very wonderful and specially healing time spent with B, a week after we buried mama.

now, my sister and i are here in new jersey with an uncle and his family, discovering new jersey and new york, and rediscovering old cousins and cousins of cousins everyday.

from the depths of grief, to the heights of joys, and now stretching the limits of our world by venturing into new worlds, all in a space of 3 months-- i find my self just cresting the waves of my life each day as they come.

i have learned not to make too detailed plans anymore, not even for tonight, much less for the next day or next week, as i am learning that life can change in an instant. i have learned to just go with the flow, and let what comes, comes, and just deal with them as they come.

i have finally learned to let go of the last vestiges of anxiety and worry, as they really are useless anyway, just extra burden on one's energies and spirit. life comes as it is; being anxious about it and worrying about what comes next does not make you any more prepared or peaceful or happy.

i am learning to trust in my own inner resources-- my intelligence and wit and wisdom and gifts of insight and discernment to see my way through, and work my way through peacefully and happily, even when outer circumstances are so chaotic. in short, i am perfecting the art of "winging it"! : )

i have ceased to question why, well even before this year, but more so during this year. i have learned to trust that whatever happens, i can handle it, i am well taken care of and provided for by both seen and unseen angels and loving spirits in my life, and that the answers will come when i'm ready for them. if the answers don't come, that is fine with me too, i just live the Mystery as best as i can, bringing my whole self into it, and living my depth.

in all these, Life for me now has taken on a new richness, a deeper meaning, and a more beautiful and wondrous poignancy and delicacy to it.

i think now that my mind, heart, soul and even body are being stretched out for more spaces to accommodate more of Life and the mystery and magic that it unfolds, each moment, every day.

in all these, thank you, God.

A Time of Rebirth

today (still March 23 in Georgia here) is a most beautiful and healing Easter Sunday for me.

Honey and I spent it with what is now our new family, too, the family from our stepdad Larry's side. we not only got to know him and his world better, but we were introduced to real-life Southern charm, hospitality and warmth.

we went to church at Larry's brother Johnny's church at Pitt's Chapel in Macon, where Johnny is a Methodist minister of. Macon is two hours' drive away.

it was my first church service outside a Catholic church and it was beautiful, with the preacher's and choir's old-fashioned gowns and simple rituals and songs and sharing and sermon and all. i've attended services other than by Catholic priests but they were always in modern, big-city venues like office buildings or seminar halls or even beaches and gardens, but not in an old-fashioned wooden church building like Pitt's Chapel. think Laura Ingalls and The Little House on the Prairie and you'll get an idea of what i mean.

then, we went to a wonderfully delicious Old South home-cooked lunch at Johnny's wife's sister's home in a farm ensconced by forests. the dishes were delicious; i just couldn't memorize their names, though. they were made of simple everyday crops like squash and carrots and beans but they looked grand and tasted sumptous!

their house looked like those old Southern houses in the country one sees on tv or in films, where there are real wooden rocking chairs by the porch, and the distance from the porch to the kitchen is just 3 or 4 steps away, with all the rooms connecting to the kitchen and the dining room, where everyone gathers to talk, kid around, swap stories, or just say hi on the way in or out.

the children were running around in the wide yard, where there was an old-fashioned fountain made to look like a well with a tin pail pouring water into it. we got to chat with a pretty five-year-old named Olivia Grace, who sidled up to us as Honey and I were browsing the titles in their wall-length bookshelf. Olivia was excited by the fact that she gets to look for the Easter eggs all by herself, as all the rest of her cousins were boys and older and didn't seem interested (maybe she was the only one who still believed in Easter bunnies).

they welcomed us as more than guests and more like family, and it felt warm and good. i even joked and laughed with them, and they with me. it felt even better to realize that despite the differences in skin color and culture and even faith, we shared a common sense of humor about everyday life and witticisms.

it made me see, too, how living with such a warm, faith-centered joyful family could be like, and it made me think and dream of my own complete family again someday...

it is 6:07pm now and we're back home, and i feel refreshed and renewed, ready to take on new beginnings in my life.

Deliverance

my FREE I-Ching Reading today:

After a thunderstorm, or any period of extreme tension, a period of new clarity and fresh opportunity follows. The storm has the effect of clearing the air and suddenly reducing atmospheric tension. Deliverance is at hand. In the wake of a storm on land, deliverance appears in the form of new color and life, which bursts forth in all the fields and flowers. In the wake of a storm at sea, deliverance takes the form of land itself.

In the field of human relations, the rain of forgiveness washes the human landscape clean after a period of enmity and error. Great clarity of purpose and renewed vigor can follow the healing of old wounds. But care must be taken not to re-open these old wounds by moving too quickly. In the same way, it is important to return to normalcy first before moving ahead with new plans after periods of stress.

Following the resolution of a difficult situation, your first priority, should be to return to normal conditions as quickly as possible. Breathe a sigh of relief, but don't relax completely. It would be a mistake to re-awaken the sleeping dogs of the immediate past before the new situation has crystallized. Look ahead. Attend to any residual matters that need resolution, and do so as quickly as possible. Make a clean sweep of the past, move deliberately, and the future will bring good fortune.

3 Things

After all is said and done, there are only 3 things that really matter to me now:

1. Good health
2. Healthy, loving relationships
3. Work I love to do and that serves others, too

Today's Quote

The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.

-Hans Hofman

Why Grief Doesn't Have to Hurt Forever

I found this article very moving and helpful. And it rings true for me, too, how I've been experiencing my father's and mother's recent deaths and their aftermaths...

This is the part that rings most true for me--

I now understood (that) if I could deal with the intense anguish from my mother’s death, I could now face any pain that would arise in a close, meaningful relationship. This allowed me to drop my guard and not allow fear to rule my interactions.


I hope it's as helpful to those reading this, too.

God bless us all.

The Butterfly Lady

Leave it to Mama to still generate free publicity even up to the end.

Read it here from the Atlanta Journal Constitution. :)

We had a beautiful funeral for her today (March 14, Atlanta time).

And I sang, too, the song I sang to her that morning she died. My first public debut solo singing performance, at 40! : )

Mama (May 20, 1943 - March 10, 2008)

i rarely sing, because i think my voice is off-key. but, i managed to sing to Mama again this morning, while i was alone with her in the hospital in the hour right after she passed on in her sleep at 6am, from cardiac arrest, the nurses said.

i was moved to sing to her a song she taught me when i was a little girl, and which i have never heard anywhere else in my life up to now, only from Mama.

When I grow to be a lady
I'll be a queen,
A lovely queen.

Walking in the garden shady
In gowns of green
With silver sheen.

Maids of gold and white shall follow me
and suitors of the high degree.

although my voice broke many times as i sang, i did not sing off-key today.

Goodbye, Mama.

a parable on exits and entrances

I've been reading this book I found in a used bookshop last Feb. 2, when Papa was still in the hospital. It has been helping me cope and come to terms with the struggle of his illness, and then his death, and mama's present illness too, and I hope you find the following parable as healing:

In Why Me?--

From "Gesher Hachayim" by Y. M. Tuckachinsky:

Imagine twins gestating in the mother's womb, speculating and challenging each other with the question, "What will happen to us after we leave the womb?" Since their entire frame of reference is the interior of the womb, there is no way they could conceive through their sense of sight or hearing what their future holds in store for them.

Suppose that one of the twins is a "believer", supported by his traditions that there is a future life in the next world, while the other brother, a "rationalist", accepts only what his logical mind perceives in the here and now. They each take firm stands and debate their respective positions with passion.

Basing his argument on a religious tradition that he is heir to, the believer maintains that when they exit from the womb they will be reborn into a life that is not limiting, that they will eat through their mouths and not be fed through their navels, that they will see a great distance, that they will hear through the funny things on the sides of the head they call ears. Feet will be straightened and they will be walking erect great distances on this planet Earth, in which deep oceans and gentle streams flow, nourishing all living things. Above them will be the wide expanse of heaven containing a golden sun, a silvery moon, and twinkling stars.

The rational twin roars with laughter at his brother, the simpleton. "Incredulous! Are you for real? No one has ever come back from the other side to tell us. It's all a myth. All we know is what our senses perceive, the objective facts that can be tested. Aside from this womb and its limits, the rest is subjective and has no basis in reality. What do you think will happen when you die?" presses the skeptic.

"Clearly," his believing brother answers, "when we exit the space of this world, we will enter into another world."

"Fool!" snaps his brother. "You will fall into an abyss from which you will never return. You will be annihilated as if you've never been."

Suddenly the water in the womb bursts. The rounded womb begins to shake and writhe. The believer makes a precipitous descent, is expelled, and gone from his brother's view.

The rationalist is shocked by his brother's fate and bemoans the tragedy that has befallen him. As he laments his brother's misfortune, he hears a piercing cry and loud shouts from the darkness into which his brother has disappeared. His fears of a terrible end are confirmed.

The skeptical brother is unaware that his supposed dead brother has entered into an exciting new world and that his own turn is near. The wail that he heard was a cry of a baby's health and the commotion was a chorus of congratulations from the doctors and nurses.

From the limited perspective of the fetus left temporarily behind in the womb, his brother had indeed died. He had been brutally torn from the unfamiliar world that provided protection, warmth, and nurture and hurled into the black pit of oblivion and annihilation.

From a larger view, that same event is called "birth". It represents a transition from a smaller world to a larger world, from a world bounded by the womb, where it passively received, to a wide, wide world where activity and free choice and responsibility open one to limitless possibilities.

my first snow

i watched my first snow gently falling this morning, right after i woke up and had breakfast. on this international day of celebration for women, too! : )

i consider it a most welcome sign from the heavens, considering the challenges i've been through lately, with papa's month-long hospitalization and eventual demise, and now, mama's own more-than-a-month long hospitalization here now at the Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale, Georgia...

my life's been on hold since then. i just live each day as it comes. one can't really make plans when everything is up in the air and constantly changing...

i can't even make plans for the next day, because each new day that unfolds is always an adventure and a roller-coaster ride with mama. in their own way, these days are special and meaningful and enriching for my relationship with her, and for our souls, although they are very challenging, too... with her memory loss, and diabetes, kidney and heart complications... i am continually called to pour out more loving, and more emptying, than i thought i had it in me to give.

one never knows if each day is the end, or the beginning. most times, it is both.

***

still, better, happier, more stable and hopeful times are coming, my gentle March snow flurries are telling me, in this time between the thawing of winter and the budding of spring.

thank you, God, for this sweet reminder.

One more time for Papa (Nov. 3, 1938- Feb. 20, 2008)

a sax player will play the tune to this tomorrow, at Papa's funeral.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, Ill say it clear,
Ill state my case, of which Im certain.

Ive lived a life thats full.
Ive traveled each and evry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, Im sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

the other tune he will play is Julio Iglesias' "To All the Girls I've Loved Before". : )

Goodbye, Papa.

I will never forget the lessons you taught, and you will always be in my heart.

In Blackwater Woods

by Mary Oliver, American Primitive (Little, Brown and Co., 1984)

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Love remains

one of the last things Mama was doing before she had her stroke was to search the Internet for an electric wheelchair she could charge to her Medicare and send to Papa. one of her last emails to me "complained" about having to fill out so many forms online it made her head ache and her body tired... although it was palpably obvious from her tone that she was enjoying feeling useful and powerful and in some sort of control and significant contribution, too, for a change.

in the last few days here, too, during one of Papa's few waking and lucid moments, he would talk about how it was when Mama gave birth to my sister, Honey, 38 years ago, and was in critical condition due to complications. he would recall snippets of events, like how a nun came up to him and asked for donations, when he was hard pressed to pay for the hospital bills, and how the nun was so obnoxiously aggressive he snapped at her and even told her that if she weren't a nun he would slap her. (that's Papa, alright! :S ) he also recalled how he felt so scared and stressed looking for Mama's Type AB blood all over the city, and even had blood chartered in from Cebu just to save her. the other day, when Honey was with him, he finally asked how Mama was doing in Georgia, and Honey, without really telling him Mama just had a stroke and is in critical condition, told him how she's in the hospital too and suffering so.

...

actually, despite their polar differences in many ways and their stormy 22-year marriage (i can never recall a day of complete peace and rest, it was either up or down, amplified to the nth degree), they are also essentially alike: stubborn, willful, and passionate fighters both who won't take sh_t from anyone.

my brother, Tope, and i, recently texted about this and shared how they also basically just differed in how they expressed these same qualities: she, positively; he, negatively so. we even half-joked in our commiseration: maybe they both are really destined to be together, after all. true soulmates. : )

or maybe, we just want to comfort ourselves and make ourselves feel better with this thought, too.

somehow, though, i have started to sleep well and peacefully again.

Love remains.

in the end, or whatever happens now, i sleep with this knowing.

Love remains.

this may be their finest legacy to us three. after all is said and done and all the detours and journeys taken all around, up and down--

Love remains.

Papa and Mama

it's touch and go for Papa and Mama today.

after a bout of lucidity and extreme talkativeness yesterday afternoon, Papa's blood sugar fell dangerously low last night, his lowest ever, and he is now back to semi-sedation.

Mama hasn't come out of her drugged sleep yet for two days now. She's still in the ICU and they're also still doing dialysis on her even while she sleeps.

today would have been their 42nd wedding anniversary, if they hadn't ended their marriage in 1988.

i had difficulty sleeping again last night. until i let the hot tears flow.

it is always easier to sleep after a good, long cry.

questions of the heart

both Papa and Mama are currently in separate hospitals, with Mama in the ICU for her third stroke and Papa just out of surgery for left leg amputation due to diabetes complications-- another and more serious bout of the life-threatening diseases they both seemed to have collected separately after their marriage broke down, 20 years ago.

i go through the motions of making my visits and calls, but i don't really know what to say or do to ease their pain.

i just show up. i figure, somehow, i hope my visits and calls still help.

the other day, i found a used book for sale in the mall, something on change, loss and grief, and im reading it to help me, so i can help them, if i still can.

and then, there are the questions of my heart...

seeing them in pain breaks my heart so, is it better that they continue to live, or die now?

what are their lives about, then?

and who am i (again)?

what is my life about (again)?

what is Life about, then?

these questions haunt me most especially when im in bed at night, should be falling asleep, but can't.

...

they haunt me too, during the day, especially when im alone, driving.

it doesn't help that that day one week ago Papa was to be undergoing surgery and needing Type A+ blood, and it fell upon me to look for the blood, and in my nervousness, i also went in for fasting blood sugar testing, and i recently went back for my tests and found i had 221 mg/dL when the normal range is only 70-110 mg/dL!

more questions assail me...

does that mean im diabetic now too? (both Papa and Mama are)

what if i go their way soon?

what will happen to me?

who will take care of my kids?

what about B and i, and our long and lasting love?

...

i try to take even better care of my self now-- eating more healthily, exercising more regularly, meditating more often, feeding my mind only positive things and consciously thinking positively but-- i am also feeling so onion-skinned these days. sometimes i dread having people so close by. i am afraid that if they just so much as touch me by accident, i would totally come undone.

it's a struggle just holding my self together these days. i feel like a Lego toy with the plug-in parts all loose and unwieldy.

these days, i just want to stay even more at home, and just be close to my kids, and B...


where do i go from here, dear heart?

The Universe is Funny

for around 6 weeks now, as part of my meditations and daily affirmations, i've been creatively visualizing for a certain amount of money to flow into my life, not because i need it desperately but because it would sure help to pay off some things im currently just paying installment on, plus a few other little dreams which would really be nice if they came quicker, like visiting Mama again for her birthday in May, but with all my kids this time.

anyway, after a couple of weeks of trying out and finetuning my affirmation to aid me in my visualization, this was the affirmation i finally came up with that i was comfortable with and that resonated with me--

Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better.

-- even as i creatively visualized my self receiving the money in a small bag i already have prepared, and going around paying off accounts happily, and having my kids and i happily boarding the plane to Atlanta and having happy times with Mama and Larry.

as what usually happens in the manifesting process, certain little "signs of land" start appearing. like my receiving in the mail two new credit cards i don't even remember applying for, but whose credit limit would allow me and the kids to already fund our one-way trip to Atlanta!

i said thank you of course to the Universe, and also reminded her that please, no more debts okay, pure income and cash would be so much more appreciated!

then Papa got hospitalized last Jan. 16, and is still in the hospital up to now, from diabetes complications. first, he was just admitted to have his 3 left small toes amputated but ended up with his needing to have his whole left leg amputated and needing a significant amount of blood transfusion. he is still recovering slowly up to now, but he seemed better yesterday, than the last 5 days after the major leg amputation.

anyway, the point is, because of Papa's health crisis, it fell upon me to temporarily manage his finances and make sure they are alright. so my last two weeks have been mostly spent going to banks and dealing with people there and counting money, either for deposit or for withdrawal.

another major "sign of land"! : ) i recognized that early on. i said to my self, thank you God, for this sign of land, further leading me to the manifesting of my heart's desire! i get to practice counting huge sums of money again and feel what it feels like : ), even as i get to practice dealing with bank people again for large sums of money!

still, the money is not my own, but Papa's.

then it just hit me yesterday while i was walking under the noonday sun-- of course, my affirmation has already come true: this is the equivalent of $nnnnn.nn (even 5x more) ALREADY IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, isn't it?

except that the money is not mine. : ) heehee!!!

ohhhh Universe, youuuuuu!!!

so now i'm further fintetuning my affirmation--

Thank you, God, for the $nnnnn.nn already MINE and in my life right now, quickly and effortlessly! This, or something better!

be careful of what you pray for: be specific!!!

; ) : ) : )

Today's Quote

People too weak to follow their own dreams will always find a way to discourage yours.

- copied from a friend's MySpace comments log : )

for papa

Squidoo

This is what I've been having fun with working hard (it doesn't feel like hard work when you're having fun though) on lately -- my Squidoo lenses! (< click to check them out)

These are my lenses there so far (still tweaking them even as I might add more as inspiration moves me!):

How to Create and Live the Abundant Life
Affliate Marketing for Newbies: Traps and Tips
Children, Children's Books and Life Lessons
Womanly Ways, Goddess Ways
Everyday Creative Conflict Transformation

What is Squidoo?

SKWID-OO, n. v., adj., addiction:
1) thousands of people creating a handbuilt catalog of the best stuff online.
2) a free and fun way to make your own page and get traffic and online word of mouth and Google juice.
3) a place to find what you're looking for, fast.

And if your lenses are good enough, you get to earn money and donate to charity, too!

Sign up for Squidoo here.

My Perfect Life

while sorting through my computer files, i found this "Declaration" i wrote around 6 months ago, at a very heartbreaking time in my life, because the love i thought was The One was not The One at all.

although this was written 6 months ago, i wrote in my diary snippets of this "Declaration" over the course of the last 2 years of further handcrafting my life. i only managed to put them all together here that darkest day in June when, in the depths of my despair, i also resolved to my self that, like Scarlett O'Hara clutching the soil of Tara in her hand, "As God is my witness--" I will not take this like a victim! : )

anyway, i post this here now because i my self am amazed: the life i have now is 90% what this Declaration describes! very soon (as in 6 days later!) after i let go of that old love that wasn't for me and wrote this Declaration, i met Someone Special who's turning out to be a true partner of my mind, heart, spirit (and body : >) and we are in a beautifully growing and deep Love and Friendship-- i'm keeping my fingers crossed. : )

there is power in decreeing, indeed!

so here it is, my Perfect Life, as declared by me! : >

My Perfect Life
(Decreed June 25, 2007)


Me

I am at peace with my self, with who I am, and happy with being authentically me, and growing each moment to be the finest soul I can be, in all ways. I treat other people with honor, honesty and respect, in the same manner that I always expect to be treated with honor, honesty and respect, too.

Children and Family

I take good care of my children and other people placed in my path and in my care, in all ways—physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually—the best way I can, and they take good care of me too the best ways they can. We enjoy good, healthy, affirming relationships based on respect, trust, openness and honesty, peace and freedom to let each other be as authentically as each can be, being the best each can be. Our simple rules we live by at home: be honest, be kind, speak gently, and clean up your own mess.

Love

My Twin Flame Soulmate and I are happily married to each other; we are the best of friends and lovers for life! We both enjoy a very good, stable, happy, joyful, healthy, peaceful and abundant Love, Friendship, Marriage and Family Life together, sharing our selves and our lives with each other intimately yet also lovingly allowing each other the freedom to be and grow to be the finest soul each can be. Our love for each other extends to our children and the rest of our family, friends and community. Our love for each other heals and transforms and inspires us both, as well as the lives of those we touch.

My Work

I work mainly based from home, writing, communicating, helping people, teaching, traveling all over the world and receiving abundant blessings in material or other forms, enough to take care of my self and my children very comfortably, allowing us to be the best we can be.

My Community: the World

My being authentically me extends its light and gifts to my children and family, to my Twin Flame Soulmate, to my work, and ultimately, to my community and the rest of the world, which I consider my world community. There is no strict division of boundaries, each fund the other, and the world is my home, a happy, peaceful, loving place I make and make with all the people placed in my path and care.

I leave this world someday better than I have found it. My presence in it, my life as I have lived it, is a blessing to all whom I have met.

2008: I'm Coming Out

I'm coming out, here.

Today's Quote

"A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided." - Anthony Robbins

parenting moments

these all happened yesterday--

1. Paolo calls me up to ask if he can spend New Year's Eve with his boy cousins from his Dad's side. (He's been out of the house since their Christmas break started last Dec. 21, first sleeping over at his cousins from my side, then with his cousins from his father's side... everyone loves having him around, and we have to "schedule" his visits because everyone wants him first!)

anyway, i say, "sure, palangga (dear)."

silent pause from him. "aren't you mad at me, ma?"

me: "why would i be mad, palangga?"

paolo: "because i haven't been home for so long. they say you're going to get mad at me."

me: "are you happy where you are 'langga? do they feed you well? are you safe?"

paolo: "yes, i am, ma!"

me: "that's what matters, langga. of course i miss you, but what matters is you're happy where you are."

i could see him grinning at the other end of the phone.

paolo: "you sure are a strange mom, but im glad you're my mom! i love you, ma!!!"


***


2. i was lying on my tummy in bed, writing on my journal, last night. Bea was beside me, happily chatting away while i nod from time to time and say, "uh...huh..."

after a while, i sense her squirming around and wriggling on the bed, her arms stuck to her sides. "what are you doing,'langga?", i asked her.

"i'm a worm," she says.

"why are you being a worm?" i ask.

"i want to know how worms move," she explains.

so i let her squirm around on the bed, even as i try to write.

after a while, she declares, "i move by pushing my knees, mama. but worms don't have knees... so, how do they move?"

(this was the little girl who once asked me too if ants had eyelashes, and what our eyebrows are for!)

: )

well, what could i say except my standard reply these days, "Look it up in Google."

: ) : ) : )

***

3. after dinner, while cleaning up, Thea blurts out to me, "Ma, L (her groupie friend from their band) says he likes me!"

i grin at her and say, "i know."

"how do you know, ma?"

"i saw him gazing at you the last time i brought you to your band practice. he had this shy, lovesick look in his eyes."

"he asked me to watch a movie with him, and i don't want to!" but she's smiling as she says this.

"uh... oh... just tell him you're not allowed to go on couple dates yet 'langga. (until this moment, i have never mentioned this to her.) group dates, yes, but no couple dates until you're 18 or 20..."

"i know, ma (she knows??? how???), but it's not that... i just see him as a brotherly friend... i already like R (this other guy from another school who calls her on the phone every night; i haven't met him so i don't like him yet!)... i don't want to be playing around!"

(playing around, my God! it's not as if they're committed or something, and i tell her so. and then i pick up where i left off in my lecture and try to explain to her as gently as i can that even i didn't go on couple dates until after college, because her grandpa was so strict, and i realize only now why and he was right, about curiosity and trying not to get too involved with someone or something you're not ready for yet, yada, yada, etc.)

thea cuts me off gently with just 3 words: "yes, ma. hormones."

i stare at her, and then i smile sheepishly as she smiles understandingly... like i was some kid she was patiently humoring.

huh???!!! : O

My Favorite Quotes Today

"Initial response illustrates a great deal about someone's personal philosophy." -- Jim Rohn

***

"A character is a completely fashioned will." -- Novalis

***

And this one, from my favorite author:

"Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit." -Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Something Old, Something New

it's that time of the year again-- a time for looking back and looking forward, reviewing old dreams and creating new ones, which usually includes dreams for a better, happier, more abundant life, including money but not just money.

i've talked about this in my other blog. some visitors here may visit my other blog too, so this might already be familiar. still, here it is again, The Science of Getting Rich, in capsule form--

There is a universal energy from which all things are made. This energy fills the entire universe.

When you form a thought in your head, you tap into this energy, and you actually create that which you are thinking about.

Mankind has the ability to create a thought and cause the subject of the thought to be created within this field of Universal Energy.

To activate this ability, we must learn to harness our creative mind. Typically, we function with our competitive mind. But to create things with thought, we need to activate the creative mind.

We can come into harmony with this Universal energy through the act of expressing gratitude. Gratitude unifies our mind with this all encompassing Universal energy.

To manifest something new, simply hold an image of what you seek in your mind. And express gratitude to the Universe for having granted this to you. To achieve wealth, apply this same principle - hold a clear vision of the wealth you hope to attain. Then express gratitude that this wealth is coming to you. You must have unwavering faith and devout gratitude.

All that you include in your mental image will come to you through the physical realm - through the process of natural ways such as trade and commerce.

To claim this wealth, you must be active. You must do all that you can do each day to make this vision a reality. Especially strive to deliver to others something of value greater than what they paid you for.

Those who practice these instructions will get rich. And the riches they receive will be in the exact proportion to the definiteness of their vision, the fixity of their purpose, the steadiness of their faith, and the depth of their gratitude.

To participate in a free online course on The Science of Getting Rich, please click here.

To download a free copy of Wallace Wattles' 1910 book in ebook form, please click here.

Happy, Prosperous New Year, everyone!

My Life in 2008

my numerology forecast from Tarot.com (it has a free basic numerology calculator you can download, too!) for 2008 (i'm posting it here for easy reference and review in 2008 : >)--

This is a year of dynamic change, Jeanette. Many surprises will come your
way. Be open and ready to embrace new opportunities.

Do not be overly careful this year. This is a year in which a major step forward
can take place if you are willing to take some calculated risks and do a little
gambling. Wisdom and prudence is the key, but you will definitely be faced with
choices that require fast action and a willingness to act before all the facts are in.

This is an exciting year in which you will be required to promote yourself in
order to take full advantage of the opportunities that await you.

There will be increased opportunity to travel and possibly a change of
residence.

You may be tempted by the desires of the flesh: too much food, alcohol, sex,
and drugs. Be careful and discriminate. You could make mistakes in these
areas.

You will have some unexpected adventures and lucky breaks this year.

This can be an unsettling year if you try to cling to outmoded methods or
characteristics. This a year to throw off the old and adopt the new. It is a rebirth and a release after last year's struggle.

This is a year in which change takes place consistently, and particularly so in
April and May. July is a breakthrough, a time to enjoy life. September can be
intense, while October requires tact and balance in relationships.


a change in residence?! desires of the flesh?!!!

heehee... interesting year coming up, indeed!

bring 2008 on!

***

(Click here for a free sample Numerology Report)

2007 Book Launch

the age of innocence

while sitting here just now, distractedly cleaning up my yahoo mailbox (still stuck at 300plus : <), paolo comes up to me grinning widely and giggling and trying to control himself as he whispers to me--

i know now there is no Santa Claus!

i turn around, half-surprised (in the back of my mind, i sensed him earlier going through the whole house opening and closing drawers and closets... somehow i suspected he was looking for their gifts...), but feigning innocence --

what do you mean? i say.

he danced around me and whispered as he giggled even more--

i saw our gifts in yaya's (their nanny) room, covered with a blanket!

what else could i do but grin back, sheepishly?

***

after some moments, i asked him though--

how do you feel, palangga (dear)? don't you feel sad or cheated?

he quickly hugged me and said--

noooooo, ma! i think it's funny, youuuuu!!!! i love you, ma!!!

***

and then bea came up to sit on my lap, asking what all the giggling was about.

paolo and i looked at each other, and i just said--

ohhh nothing, palangga... we just read something funny in my email.

bea wanted to know what the email was about, and i said i deleted it already.

***

just yesterday, bea woke up excitedly to find a handwritten note on special paper with glittering fairy dust underneath her pillow.

mama, look! the tooth fairy came!!!

(of course, it was thea who made the specially crafted note, while i inserted the P100 bill, the night before...)

this is what the "tooth fairy" wrote--

Dearest Beatrice,

You have been a very good girl this year. I and the faeries have been very proud of your kind and generous acts.

I have told Santa of your wonderful behavior this year, and he might be on his way to give you what you asked for on your wishlist. I also told him about your brother. He, too, has been a very good boy. Your older sister is a sweetheart, and so is your mother. Be good to all of them.

Inserted within this letter is my little reward for you.

I hope you continue to be the wonderful girl that you are now.

Merry Christmas,
Fyora

: ) : ) : )

My Message from the Universe Today : )

It's not just that when one door closes, another door opens.

When one door closes, Jeanette, choirs burst into chorus, orchestras orchestrate, bugles bugle, marching bands march, dogs catch Frisbees, cats 'chow, chow, chow,' pigs fly, and 10,000 new doors open.

Kind of makes you want a door to close, huh?

The Universe
P.S. Another door opens, Jeanette... "good grief."

Did You Know 2.0

the power of technology in changing lives... how are we dealing with it in a way that affirms our humanity, not devalues it?

My Daemon, Apollonious : )

moving the Dream forward

it's 5:50 a.m. here. i am about to prepare my favorite spot for meditation, but Thea left the pc on when she went to sleep and the light from the pc screen draws me like a moth to a flame, as always. : )

so i check my emails just to get a quick run-through of what's in. (there're still 278 emails in my yahoo left to clean up! sigh.)

i am quickly attracted to two emails from the same sender, though.

they are from the new york-based literary agency i applied with online for sending two more of my children's stories to last december 11.

they want to see my work for evaluation!!! : )

***

they explain their criteria for evaluation: commercial viability of the work, writing skills of the author, and whether the evaluator personally likes/is touched by the work.

i think im good with the writing skills part already, and so far, i have gotten good feedback from these two stories, which have already been workshopped twice. it's just the commercial viability aspect i still need more information on, though.

i've submitted these to local publishers here; they like it, but i think, because of the topical themes involved (bullying/violence in school and a mother's breast cancer), they are hesitant about its "commercial viability". hmmmmm.

but i believe in my stories. im one writer who doesn't write until the idea really grabs me and won't let me go. i don't waste time writing and re-writing when i don't have a solid idea that has grabbed me yet, so i just usually simmer and "think-write" for years. so, because i believe in these stories, im sending them out again and again and again, even if that will take me the rest of my life doing it. : )

im casting my net wider, though. and it's in line with my lifelong dream of going international someday, getting my stories read by people of all ages, races, creeds and persuasions everywhere, and touching people's lives for the better in some way...

***

some days ago, i received a free subscription newsletter from one of these "gurus" who've made a success of making money online, and i was struck by what he said-- that the only difference between Success and Failure is Action, that those who eventually succeed spend time each day acting on their Dream, moving it a little bit forward in whatever way, if they can't move it much yet... and not listening to naysayers at all (there will always be naysayers anyway)!

and that's precisely how im spending my days here now, just acting on my Dreams a little bit more each day, helping the manifesting process along any which way i am moved to do so. im also not listening much to naysayers anymore; i've gotten rid of that habit years ago! : )

God bless me, God bless these Dreams, God bless my Path and the people I meet and work with along the way!

Dotcomology: Everything You Needed to Know

This FREE ebook is what I'm studying right now. It's downloadable free from here.

Here are additional FREE newbie training videos, too! : )

If one is resourceful and persistent enough, one doesn't really have to spend a lot to start an online business of one's own, that's what I'm learning these days.

Why I Like PIPS

this is one of the reasons why i decided to go for Stone Evans' PlugInProfits System (PIPS)-- the regular FREE newsletter (i signed up for the free newsletter weeks ago, before i decided to be part of the PIPS) content i'm getting on the way to building my own online business. a sample of their honest-to-goodness, direct advise is shown below (of course, i also realized they would promote the advantage of PIPS but it convinced me since what they said makes sense), which helps me think, reflect and plan my own way through, too:


Fast-Track Your Journey to Home Business Success
Copyright © Stone Evans, The Home Biz Guy


No one has ever logged onto the Internet for the first time and
started pocketing dollars in a really short period of time. As
with all things in life, there is a learning curve.

SOME PERSONAL HISTORY

Just a few short years ago, I was a working stiff just like you.

One day, I bought and read a book called "Multiple Streams of
Income" by bestselling author, Robert Allen. Immediately, I
began my journey.

Every night after work and after my wife and children went to
sleep, I would get online and explore different ways of using the
Internet to make money.

In the two years that followed, I spent over $10,000 racking up
credit card debt buying eBooks, membership sites, special
reports, opt-in leads, and joining every "guru" recommended
business opportunity that flew into my email inbox.

I stayed up learning, working, and drinking coffee until 5:00 in
the morning, month after month filled with the hope of making
money online.

In my third year of working part-time to build a home based
income, I finally broke through and earned over $100,000 in just
twelve months from the Internet.

BECOME THE MASTER OF YOUR LEARNING CURVE

Research the lives of all of the "gurus." The one thing that
you will learn is that my own experience is not unique. Most of
the high earners on the Internet experienced a learning curve
very similar to my own.

Chances are that your curve will also be similar to mine, but it
is my hope that you can get to the top faster than even I did.
Three years was a long time to struggle, but every ounce of
struggle was worth the reward I have finally received.

In order to shorten your own learning curve, you must do a few
things differently than the rest of us did. You must become the
master of your learning curve.

THE SHORTEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS IS A STRAIGHT LINE

There is only one way to shorten the curve on the Internet:

You must plan to succeed!

Here is the deal. Most people put up a freebie website and select
a few affiliate programs to add to their website. Right out of
the gate, most people are running for the finish line without any
real plan in mind.

After a few short weeks, people begin to see the writing on the
wall that says, "This is going to be a long hard road."

People check their hit counters daily for six weeks before they
realize that getting traffic to their free site is going to be
tough.

At this point, they begin developing their first batch of
advertising. Then they spend countless months finding places to
show their advertisements for free. Some make an even more
drastic mistake by blowing thousands of hard earned dollars on
their new and untested ads.

These are the people who will learn the facts of life the hard
way.

In time, they will learn how to make their advertising work for
them, but most will earn very little money from their affiliate
programs.

At this point in the learning curve, most people throw up their
hands and walk away from their dreams in utter disgust. Instead
of a walking away point, this should have convinced the
struggling online entrepreneur that they were simply traveling
the wrong road.

YOU MUST PLAN TO SUCCEED

From day one, you must begin to learn about the nuances of web
promotion. Read everything you can get your hands on. Don't just
read the hype, back it up with the opinions of others who have
reviewed the same programs before you came along. Learn from
their mistakes and successes.

As you begin to learn, you must also look to make a decision. Do
you want to step into a pre-built program that is designed to
help you to succeed, OR do you want to create a completely new
program of which you are the sole owner?

If you decide to step into a pre-designed and complete turn-key
online money-making venture, then you must select the right
venture to step into. If this is your decision, I encourage you
to check out the Plug In Profit Site here.

If you decide to go the journey on your own, then do all of the
necessary research, planning and preparation that is needed for
your success.

PREPARE TO SUCCEED

Decide what you think you would want to do, and then figure out
how your planned site will generate a real income.

Internet old-timers know about hundreds of corporation domains
that existed with IPO millions, but did not have an actual money
plan that could sustain their business model. Most of these
companies were among the hundreds of companies that bellied up in
the 2000 dot bomb experience.

Don't blindly believe in your plan. Research others on the web
who have undertaken similar business models and see if they have
survived. Study your competitors in depth to learn what is
working for them and what did not work for them. To better
understand what has or has not worked for competitor websites,
check out their time lapsed progressions using the Wayback
Machine

Once you have determined your money plan, then you should
undertake the development of a business plan and a marketing
plan. Utilize professional assistance if you need to do so. While
creating your plans, make a determination as to which domain name
you think would be best, then register it along with a hosting
account. You can do this at Host4Profit in Step 2 on this page.


Once you have developed your business plan and marketing plan and
have run them through several revisions, then it will be time to
buy your domain name and to begin work with a site designer and
developer. You may need to have your domain sitting on a web host
for your site developer, but this is not always necessary. While
they are doing their work, enlist a copywriter to help you with
your site sales copy.

When your site designer and developer have your site working, you
should then undertake significant testing to make sure everything
works as planned. It is much harder to fix problems on a
operational site than it is to fix problems on a site that has
yet to be launched.

When testing is done, then you should fill in your sales copy and
then shoot for launch. Of course, you already have a marketing
plan in place, so your preparation here will be simply a matter
of putting the pieces of the puzzle into place.

You are finally ready to open for business. Don't be afraid to
spend the money to bring your dream alive. Time can replace money
in the goal of starting a profitable online business, but money
invested can shave years off of your company's growth.

About the Author:
------------------------------------------------------------
Stone Evans helps ordinary people all over the world make
money online with affiliate programs. If you can follow 3
easy steps, you can get your own customized website,
autoresponder (email follow-up software) and pre-written
email marketing campaign professionally designed and
installed and ready to pull in profits for you in 24 hours
or less! See details at and sign up today at:
PlugInProfits.

my own, my first!

i have my own and my first business site up and going now-- Avalanche Of Blessings!

of course, the really first business site of my own is the author website inspired by B, and which content im still currently working on. then, the mother site for this site, Avalanche Of Blessings.com, is something i'm also still currently working on, hopefully to be unveiled by Christmas Day.

it's just that, in the course of my research, i was also already itching to get some action done and see how it really is, like an on-the-job training even as i learn the principles of online marketing and keyword research and SEOS, etc.

so i found this site, PlugInProfits, and decided to invest in this test. they build your own site for you, set up your products and income streams for you, help you with responding to your customers, and many other stuff-- all you have to do is help market your site by generating traffic. in other words, it shortcuts all the other work of having your own internet business so you can just focus on generating income through effective marketing methods.

for an initial plunk down of only P60/day (that's just like eating one Happy Meal a day) for my first month and even much less in the suceeding months, i figured id take the tuition to learn more even as i already start earning. the alternative is to keep researching and learning,... and earning nothing yet. so, of course, im taking the more promising alternative.

anyway, im just on my second day now, getting familiar with all the resources PIPS (PlugInProfits System) provides, as well as contacting their helpdesk for every question that occurs to me. so far, they have been very patient and accommodating with me, even when i ask really stupid-sounding questions (hey, im a newbie, and im paying for this stuff! so i have that privilege :>) whose answers are either already in the FAQ or in some previous welcome email they sent.

and im having a lot of fun! : )

i question my self: what feeds my hunger for this new adventure? the money itself, which is the usual and most obvious reason? or something more?

hmmmm... in some ways, it is the money. it could sure help pay for a number of things the kids and i need and want... faster. but then, again, even without it, we're already happy as we are, and we'll either get those things we need and want eventually, or find we don't need or want them anymore somewhere down the line anyway.

i think it's something more. i've never been one to just work for money alone anyway. heck, i volunteer and help out in projects that fire my passion, even without getting paid!

i think it's about the challenge and thrill of conquering a new territory, a new as-yet unexplored world for me, and finding more about my strengths and gifts and limitations, too, in the process.

that's what's been missing lately from my previous work and even volunteer projects-- just more of the same. and i guess, i've been yearning for this new pioneer kind of feeling and challenge again.

more to update next time. i'm having a really interesting and fun time doing keyword research . heehee.... just for a taste of the interesting pieces of tidbits i'm discovering along the way-- i didn't realize "hot women" and "mature women" ranks way up there in the list of most often searched keywords more than "beautiful women" and "young women" are!!!

: ) : ) : )