Friday, March 31, 2006

strange things

a strange thing happened to me today because i had no car...

click here for the story. : )

Thursday, March 30, 2006

"be good to me, be good to me..."

ive been very good these days, doing my meditations and reaping the benefits by working with focus and incredible energies from as early as 4am straight to as late as 11pm! as a result, ive been able to accomplish much, ticking off items from my To Do list in an almost regular, rhythmic pattern.

tuesday and thursday, we were supposed to have our comprehensive exams in our MA class. tuesday, we had questions in five subjects, for which we were given 2 hours per subject to answer; i answered everything in 6 hours. well... also because i disciplined and timed my self so i could finish it by 2pm, as i still had my students' thesis defense to attend to by 3pm. today, we had four subjects to answer for the whole day; i surprised my self by answering everything to my satisfaction in just two hours! : O

beyond the compre, ive been very efficient too, with the butterfly and export biz, my classes and lessons and my students grades, on top of being a good mom and person... : ) without feeling tired or put out or resentful about all the time and energies a lot of things are taking from me, like i used to feel before.

in short, im "in my zone" at last! : )

but today, my fuse must be running short. i haven't meditated for 3 days, too, so that must account for my vulnerability again. (somehow, regular meditation insulates me from all the usual stresses, and i am able to maintain my equananimity...)

in the middle of attending to my students' thesis defense, i get a text from my sister who forwarded to me a text message from our cousin in manila, about how her father, our beloved uncle, has suddenly suffered a stroke and is now in critical condition as the family is considering brain surgery...

then, upon going home, the car kept stopping again. it started stopping at intersections earlier today around noon, when i have the aircon on full blast and the car runs idle. i fetched paolo from his cousins' and his cousin went home with us for a sleepover. on the way, we stopped by the mechanic to warn him of my trouble, but the mechanic thought the car could still last for another day, just until i finish the week, before i bring it back to him.

so paolo and redd and i stopped by the mall to shop for the kids' snack items for the sleepover and for the long weekend, now that they're on summer vacation. i made a very conscious effort to stick to my budget, calculating and recalculating each time i put a new item into the cart, that by the time i was at the counter, i had a minor throbbing headache.

and then, just as i started the car to go home, a queer burning smell wrapped us all inside the car. ive never prayed so hard for the car to last until we get home!

we did get home okay, but still with the burning smell. so i contacted the mechanic now to tow it off by tomorrow morning. that means paolo and i ride the public commute again, which is two rides to school and two rides back. sigh.

i felt so frustrated i wanted to burst into tears. ive been soooo good-- but now, this! ... but then i also remembered that the mechanic mentioned he had two seconhand cars to show to papa... and how i encouraged him to do so, soon. i texted my brother, tope, to tell papa about my car trouble again and also told him to expect the mechanic with the secondhand cars for sale. tope was good, saying he'll take care of it by tomorrow. thank God!

all the time, i kept repeating to my self-- "be good to me, ooh be good to me, dear heart!" i realized how easy it was to bring all the good feelings and consciousness ive built up for the past few days down again, with just entertaining little self-critical thoughts when things seem to be going wrong like this.

but i was more successful this time. the Silva affirmation does work when you need it--"negative thoughts, negative suggestions, have no influence over me at any level of mind." the energies built up by the momentum of my past meditations, with Silva, the Holosync demo, and Jody Sachse's HAV1 music, helped, too.

still, i am reminded to get back to my meditations again. today just emphasized to me how i need to strengthen my self with my meditations as often as i can, so the world can't get to me, like it almost did again today, for good.

God help, and God bless!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

poetic, dramatic, but quiet closures

i forgot to share it with you here in my excitement over my part in The Vagina Monologues--

i got my church annulment already. : D

the church decision was dated mar. 1, 2006, a day after my real but nonexistent (feb. 29) birthday.

funny... the civil annulment decision was dated may 17, 2005, a day after what should have been our 13th wedding anniversary.

despite the chaotic sturm and drang of my life, there is still a sense of rhythm and pattern and meaningfulness to it, huh?

my life is truly mine again now.

this morning's victory log

been up since 3am, and spent the whole time from then to 6am on my manifesting readings and studies, contributing to fora, updating my blogs, and meditating.

then, it was an hour's flurry of bringing the two older kids to school.

then from 9am till now--

1. finished my individual annual performance report for submission;
2. wrote a reply letter to the mortgage company telling them im updating my year's arrears in 3 months' time, from april to june, from my peace journalism project honoraria;
3. prepared the second production order for this year for The Butterfly Source even as i updated personal and business emails;

next on the list for today--

1. updating my classes' records and grades and getting ready for end-of-the-schoolyear grades submission in 2 weeks;
2. adding posts to FCQ World.

all the time, ive been listening to my guided audio meditation mp3's on the headphones and although im feeling sleepy, my mind is still abuzz with productivity and creativity! : )

it's only noon, but ive put in what would be some people's full day's work already!

hugs to me. mmmmmmmmm.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Mama, again

she never ceases to amaze.

she's been down lately, what after two hospital stays in january, for pneumonia and then heart arrhythmia... after almost a year of 3x a week dialysis treatments, and before that, a triple-heart bypass, and before that a stage-4 breast cancer diagnosis, which she has all survived with spine, spirit and song!

but then just a few days ago, i hear from her again after i emailed about how she was and she tells me this--

I will have my scooter arrive tomorrow. Actually it  will be used mainly
when I go out. You see, I get short of breath after about 100 feet. It is
for going out to the grocery stores and the mall. Actually, I am so
excited to have this. Yet, the insurance will pay for it. I have lost
about 25 lbs. now. I feel good....the way I look. I wish you can see me in

ooh, i so love the way she calls her electric wheelchair her "scooter"! it says a lot about who she is and what she's made of -- indomitable spirit and fun and good cheer, despite and inspite of whatever life may bring her way!

how can you beat that, huh? : ) : ) : )

i am sooo proud of Mama, and prouder still when people say i take after her. : D

text, context, subtext

we finished our lesson on cultural analysis using the tools of text, context and subtext analysis today with my students' presenting their output on their group workshop of 50 Cent's rap song, "In Da Club".

as always happens when real learning is taking place in the classroom, i learn from my own students' sharing and insights, too, and what started out as my own judgmental view of In Da Club's propagated values was transformed into a more compassionate view when two groups of students expounded on how rap music developed as the ghetto black community's counterculture response to prevailing pop culture in 1970s America, detailing their struggles and woes and the sh_t they have to live with day in and day out...

seeing that context now, i immediately saw the lyrics of the song in a more enlightened perspective; that what appeared superficially as bragging about being cool for having so much money and cars and women and casual sex and drugs, can actually mean some sort of a success from the context of ghetto life.

and it led me into quietly reflecting on how many of the misunderstandings and conflicts with other people we have in our lives can be traced to non- or mis-understanding of context (the historical, cultural and even production environment surrounding a text), and focusing only on the text (what is being said) and even the subtext (the implied meaning)...

hmmmm.... more food for thought to chew on as i go deeper in my peace studies, not only academically but personally.

i want the kind of peace i help create to be lived out, by me, day by day, and not just be some abstract theoretical concept or principle ive memorized from some book or lecture somewhere.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Gratitude vs. Grasping

ive been mulling about it lately, but it took an article in a free subscription email to clarify it for me, this state im in these days.

i was thinking how this still takes getting used to, being in this state of just being, trusting in Good and in things turning out for the good and in being taken care of no matter what happens... there are moments i catch my self actually missing the old days of being in a constant state of anxiety, worry, and even guilt for not doing enough, being enough (!).

it has not been easy; i had to do a lot of inner work, inner excavation and healing work mostly, and my going back to seriously meditating again has been both a big help and challenge. but it is all worth it, needless to say.

and then, this subscription email comes, talking about how manifesting abundance and good is all a matter of being in a state of gratitude or blessedness for having what one already has, or being in a state of grasping and needing, wanting what one does not have yet. it talked too, about how the Universal Law of Attraction works-- more gratitude, more blessings; more neediness, more lack.

amazing, huh.

i guess im on the right track now. still wobbly, baby steps, but on the right track now.

thank You, God/Universe, for guiding me, for bringing me to this good place at last!

Sunday, March 12, 2006

my days

i am surprised that it has actually been a week since i last posted here! i thought it's only been for a day or two... my days these days seem to whiz by so fast in almost psychedelic colors! : )


ive mostly been concentrating on doing my part well for The Vagina Monologues, reading aloud over and over again until i memorized my lines, getting into my character, rehearshing with my group, then rehearsing with the entire cast.

it has paid off; last night was grand.

i asked my daughter, thea, whom i brought with me, to watch and critique me, as well as take our pictures. i asked her if i still looked like a lady, given the theme of the show; what she said warmed my heart, "you looked like a goddess, ma! you looked different from the rest, special, with your 50s hairdo and all, and you were so fair, your skin shone, all the rest looked funny with white foundationed faces but dark necks and shoulders. you looked like somebody special, too, as you were in both acts, and seated right in the center, while all the rest got transferred around... "

enough said. : ) i'll post the pictures here later, as soon as she has them transferred from the digicam to the computer.


ive been getting into the groove with my meditations at last, hitting a trotting pace, instead of the fumbling and stumbling and hit-or-miss sessions with my self ive been having for the past 4 weeks or so... somehow, i can finally see my way into this whole new world of discovering more of my mind and using them in special ways...


the peace journalism core group of three people (A, L and i) tasked to implement this recently approved grant project finally met formally last saturday, and made more specific plans for what we want to do when we start work on april 1.

we've recently received the formal communication from the grant funding agency informing us of our project's approval and asking me to make the first request for the funds for the first six months.

needless to say, A, L and i are very excited about this new endeavor and adventure!


i got a forwarded email from a USIP request for project proposals which got me excited. i have decided to submit one.

if my application gets approved, it means i can go to the US and do research for 10 months, with my kids with me too, and in washington, d.c., at that, on an $80,000 stipend!!!

we get to see mama and not worry her about supporting us during our stay there. that is the most wonderful benefit of all!


i just learned last saturday that a student i used to mentor, a young woman full of intelligence, heart and promise, suddenly died after being brought to the hospital for very high fever and diarrhea, because of allergic complications.

some part of me is still stunned.


800? 800?

bea goes around these days asking that silly-sounding question. sometimes it can become really irritating but we try to humor her.

she has just truly begun to comprehend the concept of numbers and their magnitude i guess, because last week she kept asking me--

18 plus 18 ma?
1800 plus 1800 ma?
is there a hundred hundred ma?

so now, every chance she gets, when she means something really big, or wide, or too much, or way out, or over the top, she looks at you with her big round eyes and says--

wowww, 800?
800, you mean it?
really, 800?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

feed your mind well

1. wean yourself away from "traditional" news that highlight negativity, war, poverty, crime; those are not the kind of reality you want, are they?

2. to break a habit successfully, replace with a better habit; nature abhors a vacuum.

3. feed your mind well. you can start by checking these out--

a. happy news (and sign up to be a Citizen Journalist. i just did! : >)
b. peace journalism (watch out for what traditional journalists are feeding you and demand for better ways of reporting!)

we are growing more conscious of what we feed our bodies to stay healthy; we should even be more vigilant about what we feed our minds.

thoughts are things; what we keep thinking about, manifests.

today's successes

1. wrote and submitted Conflict Communication online assignment
2. shopped for the kids' and my favorite food at the wet market
3. wrote and submitted my long overdue Human Rights and International Humanitarian Law online assignment;
4. drafted the proposed sampler pack orders for Gaea (our newly-established family export company)
5. drafted the proposed initial inventory order for Gaea
6. contacted an artist to do the logo and mailing list flyer for Gaea
7. updated Magical Mind
8. (re) learned some new things at the forum
9. updating this blog now
11. working on my Religious and Ethical Perspectives in Peace and Conflict online assignment, and updating my classes' records next (yes, surprisingly, i still have lots of energies and focus left! that is the success part...)
12. went through the day just focused on doing what i had to do and doing them well, one at a time, without bashing my self any more for more things left undone; going on full throttle speed now!

hugs to me!!! : D yeyyyyyy!!!

Saturday, March 04, 2006

wonderful day

i had a most wonderful day today, compared to yesterday, and all because before i slept last night, i decided i would not let yesterday's little episode get me down.

i woke up at 4am and went straight to studying for my Conflict Communication online assignment due this weekend. i was so focused and so engrossed, especially because of the little episode yesterday... and i found my readings very helpful, as i could actually see many ways for me to use what i have (re) learned about communicating amidst conflict, particularly as applied to yesterday's episode.

so i can see yesterday's episode in better perspective now, and can even find it within my self now to be compassionate about the other person, and not assign malicious intent to her for doing what she does. given this more magnanimous and "enlightened" state now, i can look on the little episode as being really what it is, a "little" episode indeed, with the gift of an opportunity for me to personally apply and see for my self what i have learned in peace work, and now, conflict communication.

by 9:30 a.m., paolo and i went to his taekwondo class at the mall, where i just dropped him off to proceed to my first cast meeting and script reading for The Vagina Monologues. i had an enriching and fun time there, meeting likeminded women and getting to do something different in my life, for a change.

we had a good reading, and we finished earlier than we intended, and i counted it as another blessing to have extra time in my day, which i usually don't get to have because of the many demands on my attention and energies. i used the extra little snippet of time to go to the public plaza to look for the photographer there who took thea's confirmation pictures a week ago. we were supposed to collect our pictures from him that afternoon of the confirmation, but after our vegan lunch with thea's confirmation godmothers, which extended down to almost 3pm, we forgot about collecting the pictures from the photographer at school. luckily he wrote his number on the receipt he gave us so i was able to track him down, call him up last night, and agreed to meet with him at his usual haunt at the public plaza.

i still had extra time left to fetch paolo, so i took my time driving and enjoying the ride. i practiced on my moan for The Vagina Monologues, trying out my kittenish moans in different ways. : )

when i got to the mall, i remembered another chore i put off doing last week, which is going to my optometrist to collect my new contact lenses and reading glasses. the extra precious time, doing things for my self, was bliss.

then, i met paolo at the arcade, where we agreed id pick him up. i went home to update Grace with Fire and had fun uploading the orchid pictures.

then, it was time to bring thea to her theatre club rehearsals, after which i went into my Conflict Communication MA class at the peace center. we spent the whole afternoon in very lively discussions and even came up with a class project we can do that would actually benefit our whole province for real.

when the class ended, my friend and the German consultant for the peace journalism project im involved in, A, presented me with a thick envelope while smiling at me with glee. i opened the letter and grinned back at her, too-- it was the official communication from the funding agency, informing us that our three-year project has been approved, to the tune of 70,000 Euros!!!

: ) : ) : )

so now i am here at home, writing on this blog. a while ago, thea read my Vagina Monologues script while in the car going home, and she loved it and enthusiastically invited her friend, who hitched a ride with us, to go see the show with her next Saturday.

in a while, our favorite dinner-- cansi or bulalo (beef stew with bone marrow meat) -- will be ready. the two little ones are on their Playstation 2 while thea is on the laptop next to me. we are all being who we are, doing what we want, in our home, our haven of rest and growth and much loving.

all is right with our world.

ooohh, thank You, God, for loving and blessing us so!!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

dreams coming true

i can't wait to live like this next year-- waking up without stressing about starting the day, because my day is mine to make, my work mine to decide, and income flows in from many sources!

i didn't realize it until lately, but i could actually afford to take a one full year's leave off without pay from my regular university teaching job by schoolyear 2007-08, mainly because of my new peace journalism three-year project commencing this april where i'll be paid in Euros!

i plan on spending the first of the 3 year project's honoraria for paying off the last of my credit card debts and updating my mortgate, at least. after that, the funds are clear for my doing anything with them as i please. since i have my 3rd summer free by next summer 2007, i figure id apply for my one-year leave by the end of that summer, to continue my "vacation" from the university for another 12 months, which would be a long-deserved treat to my self. i want to be spending it doing lots of walking and exercise and living more healthily, reading (ooh i have a lot to catch up on with my growing collection of still-to-be-read books!), writing, and working from home.

it wouldn't also mean all rest and play; i plan on using the free year to focus on my mom's and our family's internet-based export business, where im the lead person tasked to make it take off. if things really go well, i can even "retire" from my university work already and fulfill my dream of working and earning independently from home, by the time im 40!

still, teaching remains a deep love... maybe it's just the present environment (teaching undergraduates in a regimented administrative culture) that's not compatible with my growth and goals anymore... after i finish my MA in Conflict and Reconciliation Studies this year, i could also apply for a continued scholarship with Pax Christi for a doctorate in the same, which will qualify me to move away from teaching undergraduates to professionals now in the graduate school!

and all the while, i thought i needed that one-year writing grant to have this free year for me!

im saying i can't wait to "live like this next year" because im actually slowly living it now, this working from home dream life, although there's still my university job. offers for more writing projects keep coming in; it's just me who has to decline or postpone some because my university work takes a lot of energies and attention out of me. hmmm..... no wonder im feeling less and less interested in my day job now, while my passion, my incandescence, is pulling me towards more of the independent freelancing and net-earning lifestyle i crave now.

one door is closing, while more are opening, and i can't help it, nor do i want to, even if i could, anymore.

it's time to move on to better, happier, more soul-compatible things.

oohhh, i can't wait!!!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

the 5th and final answer

the 5th answer has really something to do with the 3rd answer; but the 3rd answer still needed following through... and so, here is the follow through that finally makes the connection for me:

you are loved, just as you are. you can't help it, really. The Universe strains, yearns to give all the Abundance you can contain, despite your fears, anxieties, worries, frets, tizzies. so not even your fears, anxieties, worries, frets and tizzies can stop the flow anymore. you are loved and so taken care of, just as you are.

before, when meditating and manifesting my Good, i was coming from a place where i was feeling good because i knew that i deserved all the Good coming my way.

now, after the recent tizzy, when meditating and just enjoying and expecting now the manifestation of my Good, i am coming from a place where i know, that even if i don't feel i deserve it, the Universe still directs it my way anyway. that God/Love conquers even my smallness of mind and heart; that my Abundance cannot be helped nor stopped anymore.

now, isn't that kind of knowing such a gift? : D