Monday, April 27, 2009

mortal thoughts

bea is in my bed, sound asleep. thea and polo are with their dad, for a change. i am alone in a quiet house, my thoughts my only company.

i had a good day today--ticked off most of my little To Dos (although i still have 3 left... oh well, i'll just move them to tomorrow, as usual), had a fun time meeting with colleagues in my Econ. Dept. over lunch at Sugarland's Twist cafe, went grocery-shopping (To Do for tomorrow moved to today) with bea for polo's birthday party on april 29, and had dinner with bea too at Kuppa enjoying a quiet time together.

the thoughts occupying my mind since lunchtime today, though, are about my health. i found out at the meeting how to go about availing of our university health care, which i've never availed of (except for dental services) all these years i've been at the university.

i've been feeling mostly fatigued since late last year; i thought it was just grief from papa's and mama's passing just a year ago, but now im not so sure. i know for sure i have high blood sugar levels; i've been using papa's leftover home tester and testing my self weekly until the strips ran out. and i've asked my sister-in-law to issue me a prescription for low-cost but effective metformin...

i've also been really serious about taking better care of my self, converting to using pi water for drinking at home, eating more fruits and veggies, sleeping and resting whenever my body asked for it, exercising more with my long walks, meditating more, divesting my self of many commitments and just basically simplifying my life.

still, i can't help feeling anxious.

i'm basically all alone now, with papa and mama gone, and my two siblings with their own families to take care of, with still 3 young children in my care.

i've just texted a doctor-friend a best friend recommended, as to when would be a good time for me to visit her tomorrow; i'm still awaiting her reply.

basically, i've learned from the lunch meeting that to avail of our university health care without paying a cent, or at most paying minimally, one has to get one's self admitted to the hospital for at least 24 hours, and have one's doctor order for all tests there.

i'm okay about seeing the doctor for consultation tomorrow or soon. i feel anxious, though, about going to the hospital, and admitting my self, alone, and staying there overnight, alone.

the memories from taking care of papa here, and then mama in Georgia, in January to March last year are still raw; it feels like i've had my fill of hospitals for a lifetime already.

and i dread the thought of sleeping on a hospital bed alone. i've heard enough ghost stories from the nurses.

and even if there were no ghosts, what if some crazy person came in and murdered me in my sleep?

the obvious solution would be to have somebody there with me. i would love for one of the kids to go, but it wouldn't be good for them, having to sleep on a sofa. it wouldn't be good for me, too, having to take care of them when i should just be concentrating on resting and taking care of me.

i could ask our household helper, who's also been the kids' nanny... but who will be left alone with the kids?

i could ask my sister for any one of her household help... or even Nanay Asyon, our own nanny while we were growing up and who's still in our family home...

but then again, i also would like a quiet day and night all to my self, reading, and not talking to anyone else unless necessary.


i remember i used to say to my self when i was in my 30s that i'd never get this old-sounding like the people around me: talking on and on about their health and tests and medicines.

but now it has hit me, right smack when i turned 40! not only because papa died 9 days before my birthday, and mama died 10 days after my birthday last year, and i was almost living round-the-clock in hospitals halfway across the world from each other... it was also when i discovered my incredibly high blood sugar levels when i had my self tested for it while waiting to get blood for papa at the blood bank and laboratory during one of his crisis times before he died.


so this is it: my mortality staring me in the face.

no wonder i've been feeling so fatigued, if not for anything else.

somehow, much of the world has lost its taste for me-- except for my children, and my writing. the rest can go hang.

i'm feeling like i'm just marking time here now.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

what to write?

what to write here?

i am stumped.

this is funny and ironic, considering that this blog started my blogging life and deeper immersion into the online world some 5 years ago, as well as birthed 3 more main blogs, and then 2 or 3 more sub-blogs (children of the main blogs), plus at least 4 Wordpress blogs, my own author site and blog, and my various social networking blogs and notes.

lately, i've been mostly engaged with Facebook, so that must account for my non-writing here, as well as in my other blogs and sites.

i suspect, though, that maybe it's because Mama -- my number 1 blog follower-- is gone, and so one of my main motivations for keeping the blogs up and alive is gone, too. it was not only my way of keeping in contact with her aside from emails, but a way of letting her into my world, in a side-stage kind of way. there are things you can speak about to strangers but you cannot speak about to your mom in a personal email. blogging helped facilitate that in-between world.

even B does not follow my blogs anymore. : ( i guess we know each other deeply enough for him to not have to do that. but i still wished he would. you can never know a person deeply enough, if you care to look closer. every moment changes us, if we care to pay more attention. and life is so short!

lately, i've even been tempted to just erase all my blogs and my presence here online, except for my author site and blog. like a way of starting all over again, clean slate.

but then again, i am still attached to my old posts, if only as a way of revisiting who i was before from time to time, and measure it with who i am now.

maybe, too, it's because i've turned back to handwriting in my physical journal now, as well as turned to my morning meditations first thing in my days... there are things one knows but cannot speak of without demeaning them somehow. there are things that have to be experienced and felt to be fully understood. there are things simply beyond words...

oh well, so... life has happened.

am i less of who i am because i share less here? or have i, actually, become more of who i am because i keep to my self more?

time will tell.

Life will let me know.