Friday, April 28, 2006


that's what ive been feeling these days.

well, i have reason to. for instance, tomorrow's paolo's 8th birthday and im having fun preparing for his lunch party with my family and his cousins from my side at Palmas del Mar, plus our overnight stay there with his cousins aia and redd, and, of course, his sisters. : )

and yes, there's the Vios. there's the new car itself to celebrate about, and then there's more than just the car. coming from where i've been and my efforts at serious manifesting since December, my Vios now means a lot, an every day reminder of the powers of prayer and gratitude and the mind, and how there's more magic to life than we see and know, if only we allow ourselves to enter into its mysteries and be a willing and sincere acolyte to it...

given this, lately, there has been a sort of quickening too, in my other manifesting goals or Intents. things are suddenly happening, manifesting, so fast, i can barely keep up, although i run along happily and in a state of awe and wonder despite my sudden confusion too...

work is good. im on a roll. im having a really good and dynamic learning experience with my only class of students this summer; there are many changes of positions at work, but whether the movements are up or down, i am okay, with friends who respect me and whom i respect, everywhere. so, work flows easily for me where others find only barriers and glass ceilings. i am still soo blessed.

then, of course, there's my and my children's good health, and J... and the love of my children and family. priceless and irreplaceable. this alone is cause for celebration enough!

thank You, God, for all the blessings we have received, all the blessings we are receiving, and all the blessings coming our way!!!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

simple joys

blissfully sloooow morning here.

woke up at 7:30am to a very quiet household as the kids were still asleep from having stayed up all night.

started checking and answering emails even in my just-woke-up half-awake state, while listening to relaxation and meditation music in the background. just me, alone, with my thoughts. : )

remembered to text my brother, T, to please ask the bakery staff to buy the 4 sets of newspapers i need for my MA Conflict and Reconciliation Studies project paper, for today until monday, so i don't have to go downtown and waste precious gas, time, effort just for those. T happily obliged, even as he asked me, too, to send him a copy of my project paper proposal he can use as a guide for his own paper.

i look up to find that three and a half hours have passed since then! : O three and a half hours just for checking emails, huh. but then again, in that span of time, i have done business stuff for my mom, for my students and even for the peace journ project.

i will have breakfast now. : ) lunch to follow later in the afternoon.

i look forward to a surprisingly slow and "spacey" weekend, with only two to three To Dos in my list, and a lot of time and space for me, just enjoying life and work and home and kids and self.

thank God for small blessings like these too!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

oh, just stuff

even without her saying so, im feeling my cousin Lee Hua breathing down on my neck again for not updating my blogs... and even Mama, too... : ) so, for love of family, here goes.

the quick answer to the unspoken "how are you? how come there's no update in your blogs?" is-- ohh, nothing special or intense. just stuff. everyday stuff.

so, here is my "every day stuff" these days of summer vacation here:

mondays to fridays until may 26, i have one teaching class in Business Communications at 10am to 12noon.

monday and thursday mornings, thea goes with me in the car on my way to work, for her voice lessons a block away from the university.

tuesday and thursday afternoons at 1:30 p.m., paolo and bea go with me for their art lessons at the mall.

monday, wednesday and friday afternoons, it's paolo who goes with me for his taekwondo lessons at the mall.

wednesday and sunday afternoons, i also have my peace journalism project meetings at the peace center. yup, that't the project that earns me another 200 Euro starting this month. : )

afternoons, too, im supposed to spend working on the university catalogue (but mostly working from home), and documenting a writer's workshop next week, which ive been assigned to by the university bigwigs.

life is easier, sweeter... especially with the new car. : )

i only realize now how stressed out ive been before, when i am about to start the car, and i have to make a conscious effort to remember that im not praying now for the car to start but thanking God that we have an almost brand new car which starts without a problem!

while driving around, too, i still tense up whenever i shift gears or shift my pressure on the pedals.... there is still that almost automatic anxiety welling up from inside of me, anxiety that in the next instant, the car would just sputter and stop again, as if it were still the old car i was driving. it takes me a few moments to consciously remind my self that it's a new car now, and i only need to relax and breathe easy again.

up until now, i didn't know that one can also have post-traumatic stress syndrome from having a new car! : O


ohh, i haven't stopped writing, but ive been mainly writing in my diaries again.

there's that need, i guess, to momentarily step back, and keep my own thoughts just to my self.. cocooning my self from the world for a while, so i can come back later on with more richness, more depth, more insights, more gifts to share.

paolo's birthday is coming up on the 29th, and with the butterfly commission that's coming, plus some funds saved up, we're planning to spend his birthday overnight at Palmas del Mar Beach Club. paolo asked his father for a birthday party with his boy cousins from his father's side, at his father's sister's house near Palmas del Mar... and i thought it would be a good idea for the girls and paolo to spend an overnight little vacation at the beach club. while the kids have their party at my ex sister-in-law's house, i have my private alone time at the beach club swimming, or reading, or just relaxing as i pleased. : )

i have a colleague and mentor at work who's a member of the club and he offered to take us there to introduce me to the staff, so i can avail of discounts using their family's membership card. thank God for good friends; the kids and i get to enjoy the good life through the generosity of good people!

because of my lighter work load this summer, i am able to spend more hours in the early mornings just meditating, or walking, or doing my writing projects, when the kids are all still asleep from having stayed up late the night before.

in the evenings, i sleep earlier, just because the kids have the run of the house, and the computers, and the tv... so i take my beauty rest instead. : )

but tonight, i steeled my self to stay up later, to do work on the family business, and the peace journalism project... and later on, when the kids finally fall asleep, to finish up writing an institutional research report due tomorrow.

there's an increased feeling of confidence and security and serenity now, with the new car. not just because of the new car, but because of how it came to us....

so manifesting principles do work. wowwww. and for this first major manifesting exercise that's worth half a million pesos free , it took only 4 months! : O




just everyday sweet stuff... : ) at last.

God is sooo good!!!

Friday, April 14, 2006

How Our Vios Came to Us

When our old 1977 Mitsubishi Lancer started conking out on us late last year, I started seriously praying and manifesting for a new car.
I thought I'd want a more spacious, red one, that didn't need the maintenance headaches I was having with my old car-- that was my bottomline requirement. At that time, the Toyota Innova had just hit the market and I thought I wanted something quite like it.

So, I researched the Innova at Toyota's website and downloaded a picture of a red Innova for my desktop. Then when I'd see a Toyota Innova on the streets, I'd smile at it, as if in greeting and recognition, and say a secret prayer, "Thank You, God, for the Toyota Innova coming our way!" : )

This begun last December, 2005. But, over four months, it has gotten to be such a habit that even just seeing the Toyota logo anywhere automatically prompts me to smile and thank for the Toyota coming our way. : ) I wasn't in a hurry; in fact, I was having fun.

I didn't care nor worry anymore about how it will come about; I just trusted that it will, in time, when it is right.

At around the same time, my brother, T, felt sorry for my frequent car troubles, especially after he learned that the kids and I would frequently absent ourselves from school and work when the car conked out, as we couldn't afford the extra P300 a day taxi budget for commutes, in addition to the car trouble costs. He broached to Papa about helping us out with a new secondhand car, and Papa said yes, with an express maximum budget of only 100k.

Last Wednesday, April 12, when my brother, T, took Papa out to see a 1995 Kia that they could buy for me given Papa's budget, Papa was riveted to this Toyota Vios instead. It is funny that the Kia they were intending to buy was owned by somebody who wanted this Vios, that's why he was selling the Kia to add to his funds for this Vios. But when Papa saw and test drove this Vios, he decided to get it instead, even if it was four times way above his intended budget. He paid for it in cash. Knowing how very strict and cost conscious Papa is, this in itself is already a miracle!!!

Prayers do get answered, in God's own ways, and dreams do come true.

I got the almost brand new (only 10 months used) red, spacious car I prayed for, indeed, and in just four months!!!

Thank You, God, for the Toyota Vios that has come our way!!! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Expand Your Mind

RealAge tip of the day:

Maximize your brainpower with meditation. Meditation may stimulate the growth of brain tissue and reduce cognitive decline sometimes associated with aging. In a small study, people who meditated exhibited increased thickness in brain regions involved in attention and sensory perception compared to people of the same age who did not meditate. Take a few minutes every morning and evening to calm your mind and focus your thoughts.

Meditation has long been known to affect brain wave activity. Now new research suggests it changes brain structure as well. In a small study, researchers found that long-term practitioners of a certain type of meditation had thicker brain tissue in certain areas of the brain. Thinning brain tissue has been associated with age-related cognitive dysfunction, including poor attention and sensory awareness. The research suggests meditation may be one way to fight brain aging. In addition, eating foods rich in omega-3 fats, exercising regularly to boost circulation, and engaging in mentally challenging activities -- such as learning a new language or completing crossword puzzles -- will help to keep you mentally sharp.


Meditation experience is associated with increased cortical thickness. Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N., Treadway, M. T., McGarvey, M., Quinn, B. T., Dusek, J. A., Benson, H., Rauch, S. L., Moore, C. I., Fischl, B., NeuroReport 2005 Nov 28;16(17):1893-1897.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Life's Twists and Turns

this morning, i woke up with no car, as the old ancient one i've got is in the mechanic's shop again (for the umpteenth time this month!) for repairs.

tonight, i am going to sleep with a new car in the garage, all mine. : )

when my brother, T, broached to papa about helping me out with a new car, he said yes, after long deliberation, and only with a fixed budget of 100k for a secondhand car.

today, T and papa presented to me an almost brand-new (only 10 months used) car, four times papa's initial budget, all paid for in cash, all mine!!! : D

thank God for T and papa!!!

thank God for the love of family!!!

ohhhhh, the kids and i can't stop grinning from ear to ear as we contemplate our new car.

ooohhh, we are taking our grins to bed, and to dreamland, and back to wakinglang again, where dreams do indeed come true!!! : )


remember how i envisioned for a Toyota Innova?

well, this one comes close, in the same Toyota family. : ) : ) : ) a nice start in manifesting successfully!!!


thea asked how the car was presented to me.

i was in the mall when T texted asking where i was. i said i was in the grocery section, shopping. he said he and papa were in the vicinity and would like to drop by, and for me to wait for them. i said ok.

then, after a while, he texted me again saying they were in the mall entrance now, where was i? i said i was still doing groceries. could i send thea over to meet them at the entrance? T insisted, no, i must come to the entrance my self, as papa needed help getting out of their car and going up the stairs. so i rushed to the mall entrance.

and there, right in front of me, was parked this sparkling red Toyota Vios, with T at the driver's seat. : ) my heart skipped a bit, but i thought it was just a car they were showing me for a test drive. i asked where papa was, he said he's in the parking lot in his own car. i asked who owns this car? he said, "you."

: ) : ) : )

ooh how i hugged him right then and there and jumped around and enthused. then i ran to papa in the parking lot and hugged him tight too and jumped around and enthused.

i like what thea said after i told her all this and she commented how people must've found it strange seeing somebody run around hugging men and jumping around in glee, especially somebody prim and poised like me. : )

she said, "you should get used to more hugging and jumping around, ma. more wonderful things are coming to us yet."

: ) : ) : )

isn't that grand of my 13yearold daughter???


oohhhhh group HUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS to us all!!!

this is a happy, happy, happy day!!!

A Pat on the Back

Amen, and Amen, and Amen!!!

i've been doing it right all along, and not because of some tips from a book or an article i've read, but from my own decisions about my priorities and experiences.... i really shouldn't bash my self too much when things get out of control.... i am actually doing things right and well enough, given the constraints i have to live with....


Single Parent Tips

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Question of the Week: I have recently become a single mother. The father of my five-year-old is no longer around, and I am having an extremely difficult time adjusting to being the only parent in the family. Financially, I am struggling, but more so I am worried that I am shortchanging my daughter because I don’t have a lot of time with her anymore. But it seems like I just don’t have any other choice because I have to work all the time and take care of other family matters. I am really at a loss of how to balance my job as a mom and as a provider. How do other single parents do it?

In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.” Marge Kennedy and Janet Spencer

Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, so what can make it even more difficult? Try being a single parent. It is reported that approximately one-third of all American families are headed by a single parent family, either because of divorce, parents who never married, widowhood or intentional single parenthood. Raising children without the help of a second parent poses an entirely new set of challenges, but nevertheless, it is still possible to maintain a loving and constructive family home in the face of single parenting.

Accept the Facts
A single parent has no other choice but to take the responsibility that comes along with their double-duty role, regardless of the circumstances that surrounded becoming a single parent (besides, you don’t have time to live in denial land). Taking responsibility in single parenting means:
  • Getting rid of the bitterness you have for your circumstances and the blame you have for yourself or the other parent.
  • Not allowing yourself to feel guilty for things that are out of your control but only for those things that you know you can and should change.
  • Accepting that there will be more difficulties you’ll encounter being a single parent, like having the pressure to be the sole provider or the limited amount of time you’ll have left over for a social life or for focusing on yourself. You have to always be solution-oriented rather than dwelling on the problems or whining about them.
  • Losing the self-pity and replacing it with a feeling of empowerment for what you are capable of doing as just one person.

Time Management
The majority of your time must be given to your children. It’s simply unfair to a child who already lacks a second parent to have other priorities that come first. A single parent’s biggest struggle is typically financially, which means juggling a job, sometimes two or three, while still spending a lot of quality time with the children. You have to stay organized, live and breathe by a schedule and always be prepared for anything.

Don’t Try to be Both Parents
If you’re a single mother of a boy, you understand the nuances of trying to teach your male child how to become a man. If you’re a single father of a girl, you know how frustrating it is to discuss menstruation or to talk to her about boys. While you may feel like you have to be both mother and father to your children, it is, in theory, pretty impossible. There are certain innate things that mothers and fathers can offer their children individually, a lot of it simply due to the nature of the sexes.

Rather than thinking in terms of replacing whichever parent is missing, you have to do two things. First, focus on what skills and wisdom you can individually offer your child. Second, find someone in your life or your child’s life of the opposite sex who can serve as a sort of proxy for the missing adult (and not necessarily a boyfriend or girlfriend).

Maybe it’s your child’s grandfather who can give your son good examples of what it means to be a man, or your daughter’s female basketball coach who can serve as a mentor. Make sure you have a strong support network in your child’s life which may fill the void of a missing parent. Even move in with your parents if possible. The more quality people your child has in your life beside you, the better they will fare.

Be Realistic about the Other Parent
Depending on how you came to be a single parent and how involved the other parent may or may not be, you always have to be realistic about the situation, especially with the children. Parents who are simply distant figures in the child’s life don’t matter at all if they’re not involved. A primary single parent can’t force the other parent to be an active parent and shouldn’t force a child to be in their estranged parent’s life if the parent doesn’t want to be involved. As a single parent, you should always do what you need to do to protect your child first.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Breaking the Downward Spiral

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Break the negative momentum

Many obstacles don't even need to be there. They can
disappear as soon as you turn your attention toward
something more positive.

Some of the difficult problems you face are mostly of your
own creation. Just as you created them, you can let them go
and they are gone.

Certainly there are very real difficulties that you must
address in the course of your life and your work. Yet many
of the burdens under which you labor have been built up over
time by your own thoughts and habits.

What seems to be a big problem may actually be a very small
and easily resolved issue that your mind has made into a
monster. Stop focusing on how bad it is and start focusing
on something positive that you can do in response.

That can quickly cut it down to a manageable size, or even
eliminate the problem altogether. Once you break the
negative momentum that your mind has established, things
will soon look a whole lot better.

It's important to effectively address the challenges that
come along, yet there is no need to blow them out of
proportion. Keep your focus on the good you can do, on the
value you can create, and most of the difficulties will be
far less difficult.

Ralph Marston

This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2006 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at for an
of more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.

cleansing times

i knew it! times like these which i couldn't make heads nor tails of despite my best efforts (i am feeling like Alice in Wonderland these days) are just just another one of those cleansing, purifying times...

from Astronet daily personal horoscope today:

You have limitless potential, but you need to get past some old blocks and inhibitions that leave you feeling trapped in the same situations. The stars' purifying energy helps you shed the old and welcome the new.

Monday, April 10, 2006


  1. [v] charge someone with too many tasks
  2. [v] overcome by superior force
  3. [v] cover completely or make imperceptible; "I was drowned in work"; "The noise drowned out her speech"
  4. [v] overcome, as with emotions or perceptual stimuli
that's what im feeling today. and it's not so much overwhelmed by big, life-changing events either (somehow, i do fine with those); it's the little things suddenly attacking you all at once when you're not particularly feeling thick-skinned in the first place.

first, it was the car that refused to start, again... only to find out when the mechanic came to the house to check it that it ran out of gas. (BLUSHHH!!!!)

but then, i reported to him that i found it strange how, when i opened the front cover to refill the radiator water, i saw the carburetor top removed from its place; could it really have just popped out by itself?

it was when he checked it that he found water leaking from some pewter part, which now needed a welding job done. sigh.


i thought payday would be today, because of the holy week holidays, but when i checked my account online, the funds hadn't come in yet.

thank God for my brother, T, who quickly just lent me P1500 when i requested for it, no questions asked.

but half the amount quickly went to the mechanic for repairs and more gas, while P250 went to the laudrywoman who came back today for her wages, because i told her to come back monday as my pay might have come by then.


i texted my sister if she could pick paolo up when she brought her son, redd, to taekwondo class, as we had no car.

i waited, and waited, and waited. for no reply. :(

waiting for nothing can be stressful too!

when taekwondo class came, i decided to break my nap and take paolo to the mall where the class was held, by taking the tricycle. but then, the two girls wanted to go with us to the mall too, for a break, and i thought id spend my remaining 500 on some nice snacks for them, and treat ourselves to some special ice cream. i thought id do what i can to make my self feel better, at least.


at the mall, i saw my sister and she greeted me nonchalantly. which further upset me.

apparently, she never received my message... or received my message only a little later even as we were talking.

she looked more harassed and beseiged than i was feeling, and asked if she could leave her kids with me, so she could go home to sleep.

what else could i say but say yes? she was still my sister after all.

but then, i quickly calculated my remaining budget to treat the kids and i out, and changed my mind. with her kids with us, too, it will either be snacks now, but not the dinner they like later; or no snacks now, but the dinner they like later.

so i spent my remaining 500 shopping for the kids' favorite dinner items.



while waiting for the boys to finish their taekwondo lessons, and the girls just browsing through the children's book club, i sat in a corner and texted T again if i could borrow another 500 for tomorrow if my pay doesn't come.

it took a loong time for him to reply; he replied only when the kids and i were already home.

so while there, in my corner, anxious and waiting again, i sighed and wept quietly.


i wondered if this was just another phase im going into as i go deeper in my meditations. there is also such a thing as "overwhelm" in meditative practice. as one goes deeper, deeper unresolved issues come out for cleansing... and i wondered if this is what is happening to me.

it almost feels like deja vu, a replay of the anxious states id go into because of very tight funds during the early days of the sep. but compared to then, my funds are not so tight now; i have money from several sources coming in-- i just need finetuning with the timing and my budget.

then, too, i remembered my strange dream earlier today.

i was in a chamber, a vault-like small room with an oven in it. i saw money, wads of bills, about to be burned, so i quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket. i felt guilty for stealing it but then, i thought it was better used in my pocket than being burned. then, i saw that along with the money were my things-- my bag, some stuff i usually carry around with me, a pen or two. i let those be burned instead.

in the dream, i went around carrying my wads of money in my pocket but feeling very heavy and very guilty for having stolen it, so i didnt get to spend it either. i was anxious, looking around, afraid that someone might recognize me as the thief and send me to the gallows to be hanged. (archaic terms, but that's how the dream felt like!)

it was only later in the dream, when i was about to wake up, that i realized that the money could have been mine in the first place!!! why else would it be found among my bag and stuff? how could i be a thief when i "stole" my own money??? silly me.

even while ending the dream, i was analyzing already. i remember telling my self to record this all in my blog, to remember all of this for my learning and self-growth. and the two words that remained with me when i woke up were: "heavy". and "guilt".


recalling it now, i think that my dream was telling me something about my attitude towards money and abundance... some deeper, inner emotions about money and abundance that need to come up...

i think it was telling me how i am still so closed, so blocked, to receiving my own Abundance.


so maybe, yes, today is an "overwhelm" day... because it is caused by an "Overwhelm" day, in the meditative sense of the word.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

life, again

for two days now, i have been trying to put my finger on it, figure out what caused my almost instant psychic whack last friday evening, but i still can't really define what it is, although i have a sense of how it's been making me feel.

nope, no error sponsoring thoughts this time, although a lot of negative error thoughts sprouted soon after, especially during the whole day after that evening!

i've been going around for almost 4 weeks now, coasting, cruising along on my newfound equilibrium and sense of centeredness and joy and abundance of energies from having hit a rhythmic pace with my meditations. it has contributed greatly to my becoming more personally effective at work, doing more work in less time, but with even better quality, just because the old blocks of guilt-tripping and stressing out over things left undone seem to have magically evaporated! so with clarity and focus now, i am able to operate "in my zone", without angst, driving full steam ahead now, unlike the driving with the handbrakes on mode before.

last friday, i spent the whole day finishing up correcting papers and encoding scores, so i could come up with grades in MS Excel, to beat the 5:30p.m. deadline for the List of Failures. i did beat the deadline, at 5:25 p.m., and i felt mighty proud of my self for not only coming up with the List, but even managing to already prepare my grades well in advance of the april 19 deadline!

i came home suddenly pooped though, with numbers swimming in my head. so i decided to shower and lie down to rest, while waiting for dinner.

soon enough, though, little Bea came whining into the bedroom, upset that she couldn't find her art kit.

i let the whining pass over me for a while, until i couldn't take it anymore after i've made a few suggestions on where to look for it and each time, she would come back whining even more that it isn't there. i got fed up and stormed out of the room looking for it my self, just to stop her whining. soon enough, i found it hidden in a stack of toy chests, and i went on and on angry at the world for making me do too much for too many people, even when i already badly needed to rest.

she immediately quieted down, as well as the whole household too. i rarely get angry but when i storm, everyone knows not to say or do anything anymore lest it will further fuel my fire.

i went back to bed feeling guilty, though. bea did try to look for her art kit, in all the places i suggested. she was upset and tired, too, from all the looking.

i tried sleeping it off, but i only managed hot tears instead.

then, a colleague in the project i was working on texted, saying that a professor of ours in my MA class wanted to meet with me about my grades in the subject i just submitted my assignments for.... i knew in my gut that wasn't what he wanted to meet me about; we already had our grades ( i got a 95) and even passed the comprehensive exams. this is a professor i had an uncomfortable feeling about right from the start, as i sensed there was something more in the way he looked at me...

ooh well, anyway, i texted back my colleague saying that i was calling off my meeting with her the next morning because i hadn't finished the database i was supposed to turn over to her yet (i hadn't). but somehow, our messages turned to talking about the professor and why he wanted to meet me, urgently, and alone, and i ended up admitting that half of my reluctance to meet with her (i've postponed our meetings twice in a row already) was because i dreaded meeting this professor right after my meeting with her, as the idea they'd somehow hit upon was that he'd meet with me right after my meeting with my colleague.

anyway, to make a long story short, and a story id rather not elaborate on, she assured me that it wasn't anything personal at all (although she teased me about it before my revelation), which made me start doubting my self.

i was already at a low point that night from the incident with bea, and now, this.

so it started with those two incidents, but the next day, saturday, and until today, i am still feeling out of sorts, like whacked on the head to bring me to my senses and to the present reality of my not so perfect not so orderly not so always happy world. the whole day saturday, i spiralled down into a state of self-doubt and even self-loathing. i finally looked at the pictures thea downloaded from the digicam and into the computer, and i actually hated all the pictures with me in it! i was aware of the self-bashing thoughts going around in my head-- too fat, too ugly, wrinkles (laughlines) here, too old, what am i doing with these smart, gorgeous, beautiful children of mine?

i wanted to write about it in my journal but i couldnt even bring my self to do it! everything was confusing and dark and hazy; i decided to sleep early instead, hoping it'd just go away when i wake up. i remember thinking, though, as i fell asleep, that in confusing times like this, the best advice is always to go slow, and take even better care of me. and the thought consoled me, at least. so i showered slowly and lovingly, changed into sleep clothes, and went to sleep.

i am glad J was there to cheer me up and chase my blues away when i woke up. : ) thank God for J!

so today, i felt better, even as there is still this lingering sense of heaviness, of being mortal, and ordinary, and inconsequential...

it didn't help that in trying to cheer me up, my mom told me how my brother felt sorry for me, for my having to take care of three little ones and keep mind, heart, body and soul together for us all, all on my own. it should've touched me (it did), but it also bothered me to know that all this time, my family just feels sorry for me?! when i didnt even think of my self that way, not for a long while anyway, since my marriage broke down. ive always felt proud of my self and how ive handled all the challenges of my life so far, with grit and grace and fire and spirit, never compromising my integrity and highest ideals, despite severe limitations and not much support from other people. i would have liked to think that my family thought and felt for me that way, too... : (

writing about this now, im sure they do. i must just be hypersensitive these days. heck, maybe, the professor has purely academic intentions too, even, and i am just being overly imaginative again. (or am i? my gut reaction is not so much at an imaginative level, but at a feeling level!... and my gut feelings have never really failed me before, even if all appearances show the contrary..!)



what i got from's personal horoscope in my email today made me both flinch (touche!) and smile (sheepishly) --

Emotionally you may be feeling a bit down, due to a nagging weightiness that has you pinned down to reality instead of letting you fly up in the clouds where you'd like to be, Jean. As a result, you may find yourself acting out in an effort to prove to yourself and others that you are somehow above all earthly things. Get over the mental block that tells you that being grounded is a bad thing. Planting your feet firmly on terra firma is how you find balance and attain the things that you want in this lifetime.