Sunday, August 26, 2007

A Bedtime Story

the other night, i came home very late at night from the week-long trainers' training my PJ colleagues and i were conducting. i was hungry and tired and sleepy, and after a quick dinner and shower, i was set to retire for the day.

as Bea dozed off beside me, Paolo rummaged through my bedside drawer to look for some stuff of his that he placed in there. i was also dozing off too when he nudged me to ask what the thing that he was holding in his hand was.

it was a sealed box of condoms from long ago.

i mumbled something like, "ohhh... it's for my health, palangga (dear). let's go to sleep." and i took it from him and put it inside the other bedside drawer by my side of the bed.

knowing Paolo, he didn't let me off the hook. "yes, but what does it do for your health?"

after a careful pause, i sighed and said, "it's so babies aren't made before we're ready for them."

paolo: how?

me: let's talk about it some other time... when you're more grown up and ready."

paolo: i want to talk about it now. i'm ready!

me: i don't think you are. you're only 9 years old. you have to grow up to be a young man, at least, to understand these things.

paolo: i am grown up now! and i want to understand now. try me. you said im a smart boy!

me (after a very loooooong pause): ok. you already know how babies are made, right?

paolo: yes, when the sperm and the egg meet.

me: okay, good. and you know where the sperm and the egg come from, right?

paolo: yes, from the penis and the vagina. when a man and a woman have sex.

me (a longer pause): okay. that's right. so the thing in the box that you saw is used to wrap the penis in so the sperm doesn't come out to meet the egg.

paolo (long pause too): so why do you have it with you still? are you having sex?

me: nope, not right now. you see how it's sealed? that means i haven't used it even.

paolo: but why do you keep it still? do you plan on having sex?

me (really long pause): i wouldn't call it just sex, palangga. ... i call it making love. someday, when i fall in love again and marry, i would want to make love with my husband, too.

paolo (loooooong pause, and when he spoke next, his voice was breaking, and he was starting to sob): i don't like it. i don't like it at all.

me (quiet)

paolo: why do you have to make love to your husband?

me (sighing): it's one special way that a man and woman who love each other show their love for each other.

paolo: can you not show it some other ways?

me: of course, palangga. you can, and you should. but when you love your husband or your wife very much, you want to share your body with them too, not just your heart. you feel it in both your body and your heart. it's as natural as breathing and eating.

paolo: where will you do it?

me: in the privacy of our bedroom of course.

paolo: what if i want to go inside your bedroom? and where will i sleep?

me: you will have a room of your own palangga. if you want to go inside, you can just knock.

paolo: and you will stop having sex?

me: yes.

paolo (long pause): ok.

me (quiet)

paolo: i'll just make another bedroom for you that says "do not disturb". you can do it there.

me: ok. thank you.

paolo: what if i don't want you to have sex?

me: i'm sorry, then. even if im your mom and i love you very much, it is my body and my heart. it's my choice on whether id want to share it with a man again, and with whom. love means respect, too. if you love me, you will respect my choice, as i respect yours. don't i respect your choices and not force you to do things you don't want to do?

paolo: yes.

me: let's go to sleep, palangga...

paolo: what if your husband does not want to have sex but you do? will you force him?

me: no palangga. i will wait for him. in the same way that he cannot force me too if he truly loves me.

paolo: i heard that in Sunday School! Love is patient.

me: yes. that's right.

paolo (really long thoughtful pause, but his breaking voice was becoming fuller now): now i know why Manang won't tell me about it.

me: about what, palangga?

paolo: about the thing i just saw.

me: ok.

paolo: but i understand now, see? after 5 minutes, i understand!

me (smiling now): yes, palangga. come here and give me a hug. i am proud of you. you're growing to be a fine little man now."

paolo (hugging me back): and i know what a prostitute is, too!

me: what is it, palangga?

paolo: it's someone who shares their body in sex so they can be paid with money.

me: yes, you are right there, too.

paolo: why do people do that?

me: because it's a way for them to earn the money they need.

paolo: why can't they just work for it some other way?

me: i don't know palangga.... maybe no one will give them work, and they need the money bad. maybe they haven't gone to school and they can't work at other jobs..."

paolo: when you have sex with someone you do not love, you're like being an animal.

me (long, amazed pause): ... yes. you are right, palangga. and it's not a good feeling, too.

me (getting a better grip): " ... and men who have sex with prostitutes; they make the prostitutes even more helpless."

paolo: so love is about respecting choices and being patient.

me: yes, palangga.

paolo (long, thoughtful pause then gives me a tight hug): "good night, ma. i love and respect you ma!"



that was quite a surprising and dangerous call for me!

one never knows when the really important moments and opportunity to mark a young soul's life comes.

children do keep you on your toes.

oohhh, thank you God, i believe i navigated that one well, huh?

This Made Me Misty

i didn't realize how my 14-year-old has grown so much and so beautifully, in her mind, heart and spirit. these are excerpts from her latest blog post; the addressees are not named, but i could tell these parts were for me, her sister Bea, and her dad.

5.) You are the best and I mean that. You have seen me grow from my Barbie dolls and scribbles to my writings, sketches, music, and performing -- all of which I call art... that I have inherited from the artist herself, whom, also gave life to me and two other wondrous artworks. I treasure how you are not like the others. Instead of telling me to study hard and pursue a good career, you teach me to embrace learning and to nurture the gifts I possess and use it to best of my ability. Instead of simply grounding me and keeping me from my friends, you explain my mistakes and make me realize how important it is to look before you leap -- that every decision counts in your life. Instead of answering me if I look fat in my clothes or if my thighs are too thick, you teach me to love my body and my femininity -- both of which what also makes a great, real woman. What I have greatly learned from you though, is to follow your dream. You don't see that much nowadays, but you are living proof that a dream has been fulfilled. We are like best friends sometimes, too. Some souls take forever to look for that right guiding force in which they find refuge and comfort in. But isn't it a coincidence that God made us family?

6.) You are awesome even though you are only seven years old. You can be a pain in the ass when you're being whiny, but most of the time, I know they raised us all to be good kids. It's cute how you are nurturing and care for others at your age, and it's often comforting. I love it when you let me dress you up. I love it when you make me feel like someone important. I appreciate and cherish how I'm someone you look up to and would like to follow someday. That strangely encourages me and you don't know how I try to do as much as I can to set the right example. It makes me happy when you're happy, and even more happy when I make you mad. Just kidding. I love you anyway, even though I like to make fun of you and you sometimes hate me for it. You're going to be a great woman, nevertheless. It's funny when I talk about it now, but I am serious. Seeing you grow and looking out for others as much as you look out for yourself, I often wonder if you already know too much and you're just keeping silent about it as if it's some secret power or something. Haha. I love you.

7.) You know, even though you may not see it much anymore, I still love being your little girl. When I make mistakes and do something stupid and all the world goes against me, it's awesome how you still care and make me feel comforted even through a simple text message telling me how you love me. I love how when I'm sick or not feeling well, you get me stuff and treats to make me feel better. And how you check up on me if I'm okay. It might not be much to some, but it often means the world to me. Even though you and her aren't going to get back together anymore, it doesn't matter, I'm happy either way because I love you both. Either from monsters under my bed or stupid boys that break my heart, I know that I'm protected in your big strong arms. It's cool how we share the same birthday. That's mega rad. Sorry I don't reply much, I run out of load a lot... which I also get from you. Anyway, I love you, too.

she didn't say anything to Paolo, though. : ) maybe nothing needs to be said to him for now. : )

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Positive Energy, Negative Energy People

From "Positive Energy," by Judith Orloff, M.D.:

Certain people give off positive energy, others negative. It's the quality of someone's being, a measure of love with which they've led their lives. It also reflects the inner work they've done, their efforts to heal anger, hatred, or self-loathing, which poison us like toxic fumes. Energetically these linger, precluding joy from shining through. It's important to grasp, however, that once you undertake the process of healing, it changes the quality of even the negativity that remains. Don't be too hard on yourself-we're all works in progress.

+ They exude an inviting sense of heart, compassion, and support.
+ You intuitively feel safe, relaxed, wanting to get closer.
+ They emanate a peaceful glow.
+ You feel better around them. Your energy and optimism increase.

+ You experience a sense of being demeaned, constricted, or attacked
+ You intuitively feel unsafe, tense, or on guard.
+ You sense prickly, off-putting vibes. You can't wait to get away from them.
+ Your energy starts to fizzle. You may feel beleaguered or ill.

I'm a big fan of being proactive in generating positive energy. The First Prescription's formula for success: Do whatever makes your inner light burn brighter. In other words, try to treat yourself and everyone else with love. It's a constant process of tuning in: finding people who support your spirit, trusting your gut-centered decisions to guide you. Then you won't end up in a relationship that looks right but feels wrong. Or miss the chance to meet a loving man or woman because he or she doesn't fit some preconception. When you're with trying people, aim for the high road; find common ground, rather than inflame negativity. The care with which you approach life is intuitively evident in your energy field. We can feel each other's love: that's the great attraction. Spread openheartedness around.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Soulmates (again!)

This is the Amazon. com review for this new book coming out on Aug. 30, 2007--


The concept is an ancient one that still captures the imagination, tugging at the deepest core of who we are. Who doesn't want a soulmate--or two or three?

Soulmates nudge us away from the illusion that we're only human and remind us that we're spirits first! They help us become our best selves. They are catalysts, enhancers for our spiritual growth. And we all have more than one. Soulmates may love us, but they also confuse us, confound us, irritate us, disappoint us--and often bring us indescribable joy and delight in living. Just by being in our lives, reminding us of the power of soul-to-soul connection, soulmates help us transform from humans with occasional spiritual connections to spiritual beings aware of the importance of human connections, human bodies, human lives.

In Natural-Born Soulmates, Dr. Lauren Thibodeau destroys what she calls "the soulmate myth," made famous by the line "you complete me" from the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire. Through a series of simple self assessments she developed, Dr. Lauren Thibodeau then teaches us to access our inner wisdom, to discern what "vibe" we're sending out, and to determine what level of connection we're experiencing in any given soulmate relationship.

There are soulmates out there to whom we can honestly say, "You enhance me," which is exactly what soul-to-soul connections do: make us better than we were before.

This groundbreaking book will help readers to:
- Recognize their soulmates--past, present, and future.
- Attract new soulmates--romantic ones included.
- Improve relationships with existing soulmates.
- Learn from their soulmate relationships so they don't need to repeat the experience.

For anyone ready to find their true soulmate, this powerful book is an important and necessary guide.

About the Author
Lauren Thibodeau, Ph.D., NCC, MBA, is a psychic medium and teacher based in New York City, where she consults and trains others to access their inner wisdom. A consciousness researcher and professor in a master's degree program in transpersonal studies, "Dr. Lauren" has been featured in several books and documentaries including Lily Dale, Psychic Investigators, and Village of Spirits. She has presented to groups including corporate executives, health professionals, and police detectives, and also with some of the best-known mediums of our time. Featured on hundreds of radio programs, Dr. Thibodeau also has been quoted as an expert in many leading publications including Shape and All You. She is also the author of Natural-Born Intuition.

It's on my Wish List, too-- please click the button below-- in case anyone is so inclined to gift me with it for an early Christmas present! (Heehee... well, one never knows...!)
My Wish List

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

My Horoscope Today : )

In your personal life, Jean, you couldn't find yourself in a better position. The time is ripe to thumb your nose at your demons once and for all. Complexes, guilt, and fears of all kinds are sent packing. It could even be that the radical "housecleaning" you will be undertaking will affect your professional career, as you become aware to what an extent you have been underestimating yourself...

: ) : ) : )

Nothing could be righter on the dot!

Monday, August 06, 2007

How to Install Love on the Human Computer

when i first saw the subject title in my inbox, my first thought was to open the email and delete it. i thought it was just one of those cheesy forwarded emails one gets from people who seem to get a kick out of forwarding them... but when i read through it, i found that i liked it. hey, it does have nuggets of truth and wisdom to each, although written in tech-y style!

so im posting it here for keeps, and so i can delete it from my inbox. (for more info on where i got it from, please click on the title above.)

Customer: I really need some help. After much consideration, I've decided to install LOVE. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install it now. What do I do?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.EXE running now.

Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.EXE. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased the programs you don't want.

Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will stay installed for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?

Tech Support: What does the message say?

Customer: It says, "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?

Tech Support: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITICISM.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MP3 is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.EXE are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah, one more thing.

Customer: Yes?

Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.

Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

My Rich Weekend

Aug. 3, Friday evening - Monthly Santermo (writer's group) meeting at the Negros Museum; i didn't bring any material for critiquing but i attended anyway, just to soak in the creative energies of the group. i am always glad i do, even if i come home late and physically tired and sleepy, my mind is abuzz and my spirit is singing!

it helped too, that earlier in the day, i was working happily with A and L, two best friends of the spirit, and even with A, shy, funny, head-in-his-clouds A, who brought us pizza for lunch (at my teasing request for him to be our knight and savior : > ) even if he was the guest to our office and we were supposed to be the hosts! : )

the early morning conversation with my new friend, B, was a morale-booster, too! he makes me laugh, he makes me think, he wants to know about all of who i am and how i think and feel about things, as well as how the kids are doing... and i feel surprisingly calm and safe and secure in his presence. (that's a relief after the last few months of just feeling judged, attacked and blamed by M, for my just being who i am! : < ) ***

Aug. 4, Saturday morning
- met my Master of Nursing Methods of Research class for the first time; my goal was to make them see the fun and exciting possibilities in a subject that sounds as boring as "research", if not make them fall in love with it at first meet.... from the class' responses and questions and comments by the end of the morning class, i think i made significant headway.

in moments like this, i know the classroom is one of my best milieus, too; i not only come alive in it, i make others come alive as well! : )

Saturday afternoon - Thea was with her best friend at her best friend's house, having slept over there; Paolo was with their dad to attend a children's party of one their dad's friend's children; Bea opted to stay with me at home.

after a good, deep nap, i woke up and changed even as i asked Bea to change. we went to buy her favorite cheese-flavored fries and vanilla ice cream, and then drove on to the Capitol Lagoon, where she ran and played, as i just enjoyed watching her, while i reviewed the notes i made on my copy of Shakti Gawain's Living In the Light...

i am (re) learning again now how Love is not out there, to be sought from certain people, that Love instead is everywhere and especially deep inside, in one's connection to God and the Universe; that one must keep that connection at all costs, that the first love affair is that love affair with God/the Universe/Self... that all the rest, especially the people around us, are just limited channels of that Love... so why expect and depend on the limited channels when one can go directly to the Ultimate Source of all that Love?

this has been my reflection lately with my meditations and what's currently happening in my life (suddenly new developments again!)

then my sis Honey texted me to invite us to Redd's bowling party at Lopue's East.

my friend T also texted me to ask if i was interested to host a bi-monthly show on arts and culture she and her theatre and film production friends are putting up... i said i was very interested in arts and culture alright, but hosting??? : ) still, i was of course very open to and excited about the idea and agreed to a wednesday meet next week to talk about details.

Saturday evening - the kids bowled as we grownups feasted on Mang Inasal chicken for dinner, and just enjoyed updating each other on each other's lives, having fun watching the kids having fun. Thank you to Lira for the dinner treat, and to Honey and Ping for the moments to bond together again!

i dreamt that i won a raffle, and the prize was for Gus (my first love; he always comes up in my dreams whenever a new man enters my life, sort of like a symbolic character now for how the relationship with the new man would be like) to take the winner out on two dates.

i was very happy and feeling very lucky, as in my dream, it was my birthday too.

Gus and i went to our family store (i've come to understand this store symbol in my dream now to tell me that im going down deep into my consciousness), the old store we all lived and worked and grew up in. Gus was asking me how i was, how things are now, and i was proud and happy to tell him all the growth and changes that have been happening, and how im in a good place in my life now.

as soon as we stepped into the store, all my old grade school and high school classmates (symbol for past, childhood) were there, surprising me with brightly colored gifts and a party!

it turned out that without my knowing it, Gus had arranged for it, as well as for me to be picked as the winner in the raffle, actually.

ive never felt so loved, safe, secure and celebrated before!!!

i woke up really smiling, of course: good, happy things are in the works.

i know it now, for sure. ; )


August 5, Sunday morning - as the kids sleep, i spend the quiet, morning hours meditating and reflecting on my journal.

insight: the answer to my lament to my self and B, of how come everything good is happening in my life except in the romance dept. (yet) -- because it is still in the romance dept. where i allow negative thoughts and feelings run freely, without full and conscious direction of my mind!

no wonder.

B says it's all about perception. you can choose to see what's happening (or not happening yet) as a negative reflection on your self and start doubting, getting anxious and worrying... or you can choose to just let it be, not take it personally, and just relax and enjoy the friendship and growing affection that has come to bless us, that blessings are blessings, no matter what form or package they come.

he had a funny way of saying it:

"When a whole fried chicken flies out of Heaven and into your mouth, you need to be smart enough to chew and not spit it out on the ground to look at it."

B is right. i am (re)learning very significant, healing things from him already.

i love his positive spirit and mindset!

Friday, August 03, 2007

My Horoscope Today : ), Again

Versatile and Flexible

Mercury Sextile Uranus

Aug 3, 2007

It's all good -- from your point of view, at least. Luck will be on your side, as your uncanny sense of timing will demonstrate. In truth, though, luck has nothing to do with it. It's your willingness to let go of the steering wheel and let the universe drive.

Mercury Sextile Uranus

Aug 3, 2007

Life is wonderful, love is grand and all is well. Just in case it's not all quite as rosy as it seems, however, don't propose -- or accept just yet.


Mercury Sextile Uranus

Aug 3, 2007

Talk about a good mood! No matter what comes along, you'll be absolutely impossible to budge from that silver-lined cloud. Float on!

Sun Trine Saturn

Aug 3, 2007 to Aug 4, 2007

Get your notes and legal pads together, and set up an appointment with the boss. It's time to let all the appropriate authorities see what an absolute gem you are.

Shall I Dance Again?

shall i dance again
so soon?

barely rested
from the previous
cha cha

another comes
to offer
a tango

while yet another
a fun swing

and another
shy-er, hesitant other
a waltz?

shall i dance again
so soon?