Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I thought for a moment then honestly said, "No, not really. Why?"
"You're not like other moms then."
And I go, "Why is that, honey?"
"They keep worrying if their kids will do the wrong thing, make a mistake, turn out bad. Why don't you?"
I needed a few more reflective moments for that. It frankly never occurred to me why I didn't!
In the end, I answered him simply and truthfully--"Because I trust you. I believe in you. And I believe I brought you up right. God approves and takes care of us."
He beamed at that and said, "Even if I do wrong and make lots of mistakes???"
'"Even if, honey. I love you, anyway."
He hugged me tightly and went back to playing.
Until now, I am still pondering his questions and my answers, though.
I didn't realize our home is so different. I thought we've always been doing what everyone else is doing.
And how children notice, huh. Oh, how!!!
Saturday, October 28, 2006
i was reacting to his own fears and anxieties with my own fears and anxieties. initially, i thought id play it cool, not let him know. that's what LoveTactics.com teaches, to not appear needy or desperate. but in the end, i was so heartbroken i needed to let steam off.
it was quite a feat, expressing my true feelings, yet taking care not to accuse or blame him either. the best course of action was just telling him my feelings, and asking him if my interpretation of his words and actions, which caused my heartbroken feelings, were correct.
M was quick to respond back, speaking from the heart too, telling me his worries about not being able to provide well for us, so that's why he said that if he couldn't do that, i deserved better. i interpreted his words to mean that he's pushing me away, though, and i felt hurt and scared and panicky, that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
in the end, we both learned that we both clearly loved each other so dearly now, we cannot see life without each other in it. i still cherish his words-- "if it's meant to be, it will happen. if it's not, i will go to my grave still trying to change that reality. i love you more than life itself." : ) : ) : )
ohhhh, how this man takes my breath away; he says very little compared to what i say, but what he says, goes straight to the heart.
in the end, too, i learned that it is always best to speak from the heart, to risk being vulnerable, rather than act cool and disinterested, especially with something that means my life already!
i stayed put this time, instead of lashing back in hurt and anger and beating the other party to goodbye.
i stayed put this time, and spoke from my heart instead, shaking and trembling so, but staying put.
my, how far ive grown in so short a time!!!
Friday, October 27, 2006
i am glad i am coming home to semestral break, so i don't have to go to school to work. i still keep working on my many projects at home, though.
M is suddenly being a jerk with his sudden performance (commitment?) fears, and i don't think he realizes it. he scares me; im getting panicky, but he will never know it. the wiser part of me sees it as just another phase in our growing deeper in relationship, the push and pull dance of loving and taking space... so, unlike before with other loves who were also jerks at one time or another, i am staying put this time, deciding to ride this jerk's crisis of doubt out instead of matching it with my own tantrum too. maybe im tired of the silly old games before; maybe im just growing up now. or maybe i do love M too much now. or maybe, too, i just want to be worthy of my Soulmate--whether it's M or somebody else (somebody better?) still coming along.
besides, unlike with lesser loves before, even if my heart is breaking apart, my world is not necessarily crumbling down now. ive grown wise and strong enough to have built up my life and wellbeing not dependent on anybody else outside my self. so worst case scenario, even if M persists in being a jerk, my heart will break, yes, but i will move on, my life still intact and full and blooming in all other ways.
i finally was able to update my more than a year's worth of mortgage arrears today-- HOOORRRAYYYY!!! in addition to my paying my bills on time and collecting the certificate of full ownership for the aircon installment ive been dutifully paying off for a year. by next month, too, i will have paid off the last installment payment on my biggest credit card, and by the end of the year, i will only have the land tax arrears and a minor credit card payment to clean up.
by New Year's, my life will be mine-r than ever. : D sweet success, all mine.
thank You, God, for all the blessings we have received, all the blessings we are receiving, and all the blessings coming our way!!!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Your Results: You've found your soulmate
Let the skeptics be cynical - you know that soulmates do exist because you're already with yours! Many women choose partners for all the wrong reasons - he offers financial security, the sex is great, he's romantic - but your relationship is based on the things that actually matter. Your soulmate is someone who you can see yourself growing old with, someone who respects and loves you for who you are. You have both kept your individuality, even as you form your identity together. You know that you don't need a man to give meaning to your life because you cherish your friendships and personal hobbies and activities. You understand each other innately and share each other's worldview. Many relationships end in a short time because the lust has fizzled out. But because you have such an intense emotional connection, your guy is always attractive to you, whether he's in his pajamas, brushing his teeth or in a suit and tie. You may sometimes feel more like friends than lovers because of your natural mental connection, but don't let that worry you. Continue to challenge each other in conversations and you won't forget to keep the physical passion alive.
: ) : ) : )
i knew it!!!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
i just got this from a year-long daily inspirational newsletter a friend ordered for me two years ago (italicized parts were italicized by me) --
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
When you've reached the goal you've chosen for yourself, set
your sights on an even higher objective. And keep going.
When things have not worked out the way you planned, learn
the valuable lessons that the experience has to offer. And
The key to meaningful achievement is not in how clever you
are or how lucky you are or in how much advantage you can
gain over others. The key is to keep going.
When other people give you encouragement, insight and
assistance, thank them for their help while offering your
own special value to in return. And keep going.
When others seek to block your every effort, raise yourself
up to where you can clearly see beyond their petty,
shortsighted attempts. And keep going.
Whatever may come or go or happen or fail to happen, there
is always a way, some way or another, to keep going. You
will get wherever you wish to go when you consistently
choose, in each moment, to simply, thankfully and gracefully
This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2006 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an
archive of more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.
here i was patiently and stolidly chugging along for months now, emailing everyone promptly with updates, asking for comments, but except for my uncle who heads the company and my mom who acts as consultant, everyone else is mum.
so i proceed with the assumption that silence is agreement.
now the Big Day nears and one by one, the silent ones start speaking up, that it could have been this, that it could have been that, blah blah blah and till kingdom come blah. helllooo!!!!!!!
you were all promptly, frequently and consistently updated. is it my fault now that you did not even bother to read your emails?????????
next to dishonesty, the next thing i hate most is cleaning up after other people's sloppiness, when i consciously and consistently make sure i don't even have my own mess to clean up after.
i did this for fun, and for love, and i know i did this well. i don't know what they are in this for.
maybe it is just my period, huh.
today, i am unavailable. shop closed. sorry.
let me go back to my creative writing, and my teaching, and my peace projects. i really don't need this aggravation.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
i said "physical rest", yes, because even as i was physically asleep, i was buzzing from all the ideas and the energies of preparing the last set of materials and arrangements for the coming HK Show. last night alone, i was able to draft our company profile/story with layout concept, layout and write the product specs for our three types of products, finalize the proforma invoice, even as i texted back and forth with my brother-in-law, who was in charge of Shipping and who walked me through computing how many wings and masks we can accommodate in 10-, 20- and 40-foot containers! : O
'just thinking of a container full of wings and/or masks was heady!
even while i was doing all those, i was also emailing with our uncle in New Jersey, back and forth, to discuss the content of the website for the export company, as the little ones kept coming to me to ask me questions about their homework and their own personal little projects.
today i woke up at 6am, but instead of feeling groggy and sleepy, i jumped out of bed, raring to start the day again with more working and preparing for the HK show.
while driving to school, i planned my day in my mind, as usual; and while already at home eating breakfast, i managed by cellphone, texting my students about reminders and deadlines, a supplier about a new order, and even the family partners to check their email....
this is what i love doing best, next to creative writing--- using my talents to make connections, bring people and resources together and work towards a vision together.
the feeling is indescribable; beats physical orgasm anytime! : )
God is sooo good to me! I am lucky to be doing work that revs up my passions so deeply.
Monday, October 02, 2006
when you share your dreams and passions with them with enthusiasm, they sit back and smile, but make it their self-appointed mission to give you unsolicited advice, poke holes at your dreams, dampen your spirits.
they do not understand that when you do share your deepest longings, you are baring your heart and soul, inviting them in to sacred, holy ground. a guest is just supposed to enjoy what you have to offer, not walk all over you and tell you what to do nor how to do it, or they outlive their stay. but they do not see that, much more understand that.
it all comes down to trust, i guess. whether they trust you enough to be okay-- not even to be successful at the dreams you are working on-- but to just be okay, no matter what. for me that is the greatest form of love and respect, to trust you enough to be you, for you to handle things on your own and in your own way, well enough for your own good.
but then again, they have to trust themselves first to be able to give you that same kind of trust. therein lies the rub.
it would be easier if people like these are just acquaintances; you can always just avoid them. but what if they are almost family, who purport to love you so and are just looking out for your own so-called "best interests", according to them?
"Our life is what our thoughts make it. A man will find that as he alters his thoughts toward things and other people, things and other people will alter towards him. "
—James Allen, 19th Century English writer, author of As A Man Thinketh
It really sounds too easy to be true, doesn't it? When we are told we can change our lives by changing our minds, most of us are usually a bit skeptical. Oh, we may try it out, change our thought patterns for a bit just to see if the idea has any credence at all, but then later when we look around and see that pretty much everything is as it was, we shrug our shoulders with that familiar "just what I expected" shrug and move on. We do not see the changes made on the molecular level, we do not notice the way every single cell in our bodies responds to the change of thought, we do not see how the universe responds by clearing paths and setting up meetings and re-arranging circumstances. We see none of this and so deem our bodies and our minds powerless to change and then we return at once to the exact same thought patterns that brought us to and keep us bound in the place we do not want to be. And when we do, every cell in our body returns to that state it was in before, and every cleared path becomes once more cluttered, and every meeting canceled and every circumstance unarranged.
Changing our lives is a great deal like building a house. It is not done by hammering one nail in a board but by repeated application. Over and over we must let our minds center on the life we would live instead of on the one being lived. And just as applying hammer to wood repeatedly can eventually lead to the completed frame of a new house, so can steadfast application of one thought to another lead to the completed frame of a new life.