Saturday, June 03, 2006

morning thoughts

i am still trying to make sense of recent experiences here...

first there was this person, who messaged me because he was reading one of my other blogs, Magical Mind.... the connection was instant and intense, we argued on our first chat! : O but then, we were also pretty much from opposite perspectives about certain things, and the topics ranged from geopolitics to religion and mysticism... then, as suddenly as it started, after around a week of dancing around each other, it ended as abruptly too.

i am still a bit disturbed, though, of one comment he made during an argument-- how i was confrontational, can teach but can never learn. that is the first time somebody has accused me of that, and it bothers me.

am i, really? or was he just coming from an angry world of his own, and projected all of those things to me?

: ( : ( : (

***

then there's the recent drama at a project i was working with, where somebody was spreading gossip around a supposed extra-marital affair of some colleagues we were working with...

if indeed the affair is true, it was bad enough. for the people involved and for the project. "bad" not because im judging them but "bad" because i can feel the pain involved, and i see the energies being misdirected and unfocused... but finding out from different people how they learned of the news, and tracing it to this one person was worse.

i sat down with her and confronted her about it. she cried and i heard her out. but i remained firm in my trying to emphasize to her that spreading gossip like that doesn't do anyone any good in the end. she seemed to get the point ( i hope) and my gentle way of allowing her to redeem her self somehow was to hear her out, even as she was telling me of seemingly unrelated things, like her own life struggles, and about all the other troubles involved in the project we're working on... sigh.

***

then, last night, i had dinner out with a research team i was a part of, to celebrate the completion of our research project.

it was a good night out, with good food, and good company. but i didn't particularly like the conversation, though. more complaining about the work place, and mulling over intrigues-of-the-month.... another sigh.

after the dinner, i brought my closest friend in the team home in my car, as her home was my way, but the farthest out. in the car, my friend revealed to me another intrigue at work involving one of our team members too, something very private but which has somehow gotten the rumor mills spreading, and which eventually got to our top admin. the bottomline is, our other friend doesn't know that she might be axed for it. today.

: ( : ( : (

***

my thoughts and feelings are still jumbled about these, but one thing is clear to me though... how blessed i am for the life i have now, with my children and my work and my passions.

these have only served to further emphasize to me how much of a broken world it still is out there; these last months, i seemed to have forgotten that, wrapped up in my own happy and safe little bubble of love and joy and dreams and faith and passion that i have, with God's Grace, somehow managed to create out of my own life.

***

what is the Universe trying to tell me with all these recent experiences? Conversations with God says that the experiences and people you attract into your life serve to teach you something, to point out to you something, and/or to mirror to you something about your own life, too. and it is your call now to decide how to respond to these experiences and people, with how you decide to act and react towards them... which is your statement of Who You Are.

what am i being called to do, to respond to? so far, i have responded in the best way i could, listening to the stories (when i would really rather not like to fuel gossip) but trying to direct it towards some new thought about the stories, like how hurting the people involved must be, how maybe we ought to be kinder and non-judgmental about people...

why am feeling so... violated... tarnished... from all these recent experiences? i think i responded well enough, according to my ideals and convictions, but i still feel somehow guilty, for being party to the experiences in some way.... why???
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