Sunday, December 24, 2006

Living in the Now

it's that time of the year again; my Christmas rush is through. Thea and i will just spend the whole day at home tomorrow (Dec. 24, as i write this close to midnight) wrapping the little ones' gifts "from Santa" while the little ones are distracted by their father, or their cousins, who will come to take them out for the day.

since early this month, the house has been in what i would prefer to call "transformative disarray"-- first repainted, then as what probably happens when you start working on improving how your home looks, then refurbished, and the housekeeper's quarters even renovated.

ive dreamt of these days for so long ive forgotten ive even dreamt them. they've just become so palpable and insistent now that it seemed almost natural to just go ahead and do them. first, i thought it was just to repaint the house. baby steps. but as what probably happens with baby steps, i was led on to the next, and the next, and the next steps, finding the resources as the needs arose!

i will be back to zero balance in terms of my finances by the end of this year and the start of the next, but strangely, unlike before, i am... content. still. even serenely joyful, as if poised for takeoff towards somewhere, somehow, sometime, i don't know where or how or when, i just know.

***

so the general management of the start-up family export business has been taken from my hands, because i am not able to attend to it fulltime as everyone wishes i would. well, ive got to feed my self and my children, so i really cannot attend to it fulltime also, especially since it's not paying the bills yet.

i am still smarting from the ego-slap, although family has been very gentle with it. yet, in the long run, i also know this is the best way to be, that things are actually happening for my Highest Good, as i cannot see my self spending the rest of my life fulltime on just this business track anyway.

so, furniture is being rearranged in my life, both literally and figuratively.

so i submit my self to the changes, willingly and gracefully, even without fear nor trepidation now, like a child holding on to her Parent's hand, secure in the knowing that with each step and each move she takes, she will be alright, she has always been alright.

***

papa and i had a tiff recently, while having dinner at his house. my eldest daughter Thea took the initiative to pour him a glass of water, but he didn't want water, he wanted softdrink. and, instead of just telling my daughter he wanted softdrink, he hemmed and hawed about it, insinuating how stupid she was, that if she just used her head, she'd know what to do.

this time, i did not take his verbal bullying sitting down. i calmly told him to stop it, and he got angry. i stayed on course, calmly telling him that he could always just correct my daughter but neither he nor anybody had any right to call my daughter names. he got even more mad, accusing me of things and rehashing perceived hurts from the past, blah, blah and blah, even banging his fist on the table.

but this time was different. i wasn't scared of him nor anybody anymore. i just calmly held my ground and reiterated my point, while he ran around terrifyingly in circles trying to threaten me, then bait me, then goad me, then even insult me too.... but nada.

im a big girl now.

in the end, after i finished my dinner, i had the strong urge to slam the door and walk out on him, like what i would have done before.

but this time, i handled it like the woman that i am. i calmly told my children to pack up their things now as we were going home. then, when we were ready to go home, i asked them to kiss their grandpa goodbye, while i gently kissed papa on the head and softly bid him goodbye too.

he just sat there stunned... and thoughtful.

***

i love M and he loves me. we are building a future together, mostly him doing the building with me doing the supportive waiting.

i am learning lessons in supportive waiting, too, growing deeper into Trust... and a sense of wellbeing and security, being able to more fully trust a man and his word again, this time, after so long.

if only for this, M is a blessing in my life.

***

it is 11:59 p.m. now and the children are asleep. i am still here, preparing to go through my 559 emails which have built up over the last two weeks since my net connection went down, and then i had to go away to Zamboanga for a week-long training of campus journalists there.

yet, while i sit here, relaxing from my shower, not having changed into sleep clothes yet, i savor these quiet moments, just living in the Now, feeling content and at peace, feeling how all is right with my world now, even if the world still seems like in shambles on the outside... waiting for nothing...

... yet oh-so-poised too, for everything.
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