Thursday, April 03, 2008

surreal

that's how my life has been since the start of this year: surreal.

first, there was papa's hospitalization and amputation, which necessisated a one-month stay in the hospital, until he died last feb. 20. then, there was mama's hospitalization from stroke, too, two weeks after papa was hospitalized.

the day after papa was buried on feb. 25, i flew to Atlanta, Georgia, to be with mama, who was still in the hospital. she died on march 10, two weeks too after papa died.

then, there was the very wonderful and specially healing time spent with B, a week after we buried mama.

now, my sister and i are here in new jersey with an uncle and his family, discovering new jersey and new york, and rediscovering old cousins and cousins of cousins everyday.

from the depths of grief, to the heights of joys, and now stretching the limits of our world by venturing into new worlds, all in a space of 3 months-- i find my self just cresting the waves of my life each day as they come.

i have learned not to make too detailed plans anymore, not even for tonight, much less for the next day or next week, as i am learning that life can change in an instant. i have learned to just go with the flow, and let what comes, comes, and just deal with them as they come.

i have finally learned to let go of the last vestiges of anxiety and worry, as they really are useless anyway, just extra burden on one's energies and spirit. life comes as it is; being anxious about it and worrying about what comes next does not make you any more prepared or peaceful or happy.

i am learning to trust in my own inner resources-- my intelligence and wit and wisdom and gifts of insight and discernment to see my way through, and work my way through peacefully and happily, even when outer circumstances are so chaotic. in short, i am perfecting the art of "winging it"! : )

i have ceased to question why, well even before this year, but more so during this year. i have learned to trust that whatever happens, i can handle it, i am well taken care of and provided for by both seen and unseen angels and loving spirits in my life, and that the answers will come when i'm ready for them. if the answers don't come, that is fine with me too, i just live the Mystery as best as i can, bringing my whole self into it, and living my depth.

in all these, Life for me now has taken on a new richness, a deeper meaning, and a more beautiful and wondrous poignancy and delicacy to it.

i think now that my mind, heart, soul and even body are being stretched out for more spaces to accommodate more of Life and the mystery and magic that it unfolds, each moment, every day.

in all these, thank you, God.
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