Thursday, July 03, 2008

the gifts of my parents' deaths

people at school keep commenting how i'm looking so bloomingly gorgeous these days, well, actually since the last time they saw me, which was last schoolyear yet.

one colleague said i had an almost otherworldly aura about me. another said i had a glow, and how im looking really younger and more beautiful. one other person said i had an "international, star-quality" aura, whatever that means.... heehee. thank you. : )

i feel it, too, ... well yes, feeling good about my self, my life, like im in the right place and right path at last, comfortable and happy and joyful and content in my own skin, yet also relishing achieving more of my dreams.... and yes, feeling otherworldly, too.

like somehow, as i accompanied Papa and Mama to their last days and hours, i sort of stepped into some zone reserved only for the dying and those died, but which i was allowed the grace to enter and experience.

so now, coming back "from the dead", i feel even more alive, yet also not part of this world anymore.

in-between worlds. that's how im feeling.

so, im finding my self transformed in many subtle but powerful ways these days--

1. i don't sweat the small stuff, and yes, everything is small stuff.

there used to be time when id get anxious and bash my self, especially, for things not turning out as planned, or even for not being able to finish all ive set out to do for the day in my to do list. these days, i simply move them on to another date. i figure, if they can't be done today, then probably today was not enough for them, so they can wait for another day. when things go wrong... oh well, ive been through worse. and i also know things will get better again. life goes in cycles of up and down. the trick is to ride the cycles well, to crest the waves gracefully.

2. im kinder to and gentler with my self these days. i take time, just to savor each little action, each moment spent with a loved one or even just a friend or passing acquaintance. now is really all i have, i am sooo conscious of that now. so i stay in the moment and relish it and feel so deeply awed and thankful for it. i don't engage in anxious, rushing, pressing self-talk now, especially.

3. im even more philosophical and accepting of Life as it comes now, not much shoulds and musts anymore, just letting Life and people and events flow and my responding to them according to how i authentically think and feel and am at any given moment.

4. surprisingly, im finding my self more willing to live with structures and deadlines and schedules and even commit to appointments when people try to pin me down now. is that a sign of settling down, or what? : )

5. i have less and less patience for bullshit and dramas and melodramas, though. when im feeling really in the mood for fun, i tell people to shove off, and enjoy the surprised looks on their faces. when im feeling nicer, i tell people to shove off, but nicer and in a sweeter way. still, i find i have less and less patience for being nice these days. i find im enjoying just being me, however i am, whoever i am, at any moment in time.

6. people ask how ive slimmed down and am looking so great and what's the secret? i kid them by saying, "have your parents die at almost the same time." heheh. but it's true.

practically speaking, im more mindful of the food and drink i take in now, taking care to make only healthier and cleaner choices. is that dieting? no. i just feel that im taking even better care of my self now.

so, condolences... tragedy?

up to now, i still can't see what's to condole about.
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