Wednesday, April 08, 2009

what to write?

what to write here?

i am stumped.

this is funny and ironic, considering that this blog started my blogging life and deeper immersion into the online world some 5 years ago, as well as birthed 3 more main blogs, and then 2 or 3 more sub-blogs (children of the main blogs), plus at least 4 Wordpress blogs, my own author site and blog, and my various social networking blogs and notes.

lately, i've been mostly engaged with Facebook, so that must account for my non-writing here, as well as in my other blogs and sites.

i suspect, though, that maybe it's because Mama -- my number 1 blog follower-- is gone, and so one of my main motivations for keeping the blogs up and alive is gone, too. it was not only my way of keeping in contact with her aside from emails, but a way of letting her into my world, in a side-stage kind of way. there are things you can speak about to strangers but you cannot speak about to your mom in a personal email. blogging helped facilitate that in-between world.

even B does not follow my blogs anymore. : ( i guess we know each other deeply enough for him to not have to do that. but i still wished he would. you can never know a person deeply enough, if you care to look closer. every moment changes us, if we care to pay more attention. and life is so short!

lately, i've even been tempted to just erase all my blogs and my presence here online, except for my author site and blog. like a way of starting all over again, clean slate.

but then again, i am still attached to my old posts, if only as a way of revisiting who i was before from time to time, and measure it with who i am now.

maybe, too, it's because i've turned back to handwriting in my physical journal now, as well as turned to my morning meditations first thing in my days... there are things one knows but cannot speak of without demeaning them somehow. there are things that have to be experienced and felt to be fully understood. there are things simply beyond words...

oh well, so... life has happened.

am i less of who i am because i share less here? or have i, actually, become more of who i am because i keep to my self more?

time will tell.

Life will let me know.
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