domestic dreams

for the first time ever, i went grocery shopping this evening trying hard to keep my grins to my self, walking along the aisle with Bea, pushing our carts, yet feeling like i've just won a megabillion dollar lotto jackpot or something.

oh, it's not much to most people. what's to grin over choosing groceries, scrutinizing their ingredient content, making sure to choose the healthier and more natural ones, while calculating prices and discounts? but while i was doing those things, i was imagining doing them with M... for M... SOON!!! : ) : ) : )

i've never been this excited about food! i even ventured into the kitchenware department and checked out utensils and other cooking equipment! (those who know me know this is the most incredible miracle-- me, kitchen???!!!--ever!!!)

but yep, M and i will be together soon, in a month or so. well, he'd be based in Cebu to start an office for his Dad's firm, but it's surely much closer to Bacolod now than Kenya (where he originally intended to go)!!!

and ohhhh, bless M's Dad and Mom; when they learned of our intense discussion over Kenya vs. the Philippines more than a week ago, and M's insecurities and fears about not being fit enough and not having an impressive stable-income job to show to me yet, his Dad offered him the job of setting up a Philippine branch for their firm in Cebu, where he could both prove himself and make a name for himself, and be closer to me to visit me more often now. ohhhhh, what a blessing!!! and parents' sacred blessing at that!!!

of course, M and I have talked; we agreed to be prudent and take it slow, until he gets the business up and going. but we are both sooo excited and it's a struggle to contain our joy, needless to say.

he says he's also inspired now to eat more healthily, lose some more weight and get in shape, even as he is inspired with the new business and the new lease on his work life.

since "meeting" him via email, by way of a mutual friend's introduction, ten months ago, i have also been likewise inspired to take better care of my self, too, and to seriously go for my writing dreams (his mom and sister are writers, too, and M has been very supportive and encouraging), at last.

now, im into looking up healthier food and planning on studying my recipe books and practicing how to cook healthy yet delicious fare for the coming months of my one-year leave! imagine that, imagine me doing that. haahaaaa.

heck, i even bought multivitamins with 400mcg folic acid tonight, too, good for 30 days. heehee! (research says that to have a healthy baby, you should start taking at least 400mcg folic acid daily as early as a year or two before you conceive!)

i've never been this excited about domesticity before, not ever!!! oh, God. what has happened to me??? cerebral, work-focused, career-oriented me who doesn't even know how to open canned goods with a can opener??? : ) : ) : )

oh, what miracles Love has brought me and continue to bring. if only for these times now, all the past pain, confusion, loneliness, hurting, darkness, turbulence, storms... they are all worth it. i wouldn't trade them for anything less, if what they meant was that they would bring me to this blessed time now.

God is truly great!!! Amazing Grace, indeed.

Choosing A Life Partner

'where my thoughts are these days... and then i get this as a forwarded mass mail from a friend!

5 GOLDEN RULES FOR FINDING YOUR LIFE PARTNER
(by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.)

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone).

Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result o f a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.


QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important?

Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.


QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.

How can you test? Here are some suggestions.

1. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
2. Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". "So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?"

Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.

You need to know that before walking down the aisle.


QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following:

1. How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc?
2. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
3. Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you - who can't do nearly as much for them!
4. Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.


QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married.

As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!"

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.



HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married".

Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.

Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children. You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations. Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it? Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed. Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to make them good citizens. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes.

Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong!

There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel.

There are also times when spouses, just get on each other nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women. Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your Spouse is being faithful?

These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.

None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'. You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice.

Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.

*******
A Soulful Relationship
by Rev. Ronald McFadden

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

What keeps a relationship strong?

- communication
- intimacy
- a sense of humor
- sharing household tasks
- some getaway time without business or children
- daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
- sharing common goals and interests
- giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure
- giving each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment
- asking God to be the center of your relationship

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion.


Sharing common goals and interests.

Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i.

Keeping a Relationship

It's best to wait for the one you want than settle for the one available. Best to wait for the one you love than one who's around. Best to wait for the right one because life's too short to be wasted on just someone.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out that you still care for that person.

*******

hmmm... so far, so good, M and I seem to be on the right track. Time will tell further... God bless us with wisdom, strength and developing the qualities of true Love!

i sure don't want to make the same mistake twice!

i want to do it Right this time, so help us God!

Come As You Are

'not in the mood to share the goings-on of my life yet, except to say that magick is afoot, and im patiently, lovingly stirring the pot : )... so i'll share snippets of things i get from my free subscription newsletters for now. this one's from Beliefnet (click on the blog title above to get to their site)--

Compassion is bringing our deepest truth into our actions, no matter how much the world seems to resist, because that is ultimately what we have to give to this world and one another.

-Ram Dass

From "Nothing Left Unsaid," by Carol Orsborn:

You have only one sacred duty:
to make your spirit available to others.
You do this by sharing what you already are
in this and every moment.
If you are loving, you share your loving.
If you are suffering, you share your suffering.
If you are healing, you share your healing.

Why waste precious energy arguing with God about
what it is that is yours to share right now,
worrying how your broken bit could possibly be of use.

Trust that however unlikely it may seem,
without your piece,
the universe would be incomplete.

PJ 2 Zamboanga, March 16-19, 2007

PJ 2 Cagayan de Oro, Feb. 16-19, 2007

soul-satisfying breaks

i'm on a roll working on my long overdue project paper for my M.A. Conflict and Reconciliation Studies degree. im set to defend this april 13, and graduate from my second master's degree on may 26.

this was supposed to have been enrolled last summer yet, but i never got to work on it except collect the data. i'm re-enrolling it this summer (i'll pay only when i have my paper produced, just to be sure im not wasting tuition money this time!) and im concentrating on finishing it all in just one week! ; )

to feed my energies well, ive been starting my days early, at 6am, with either an early morning walk or my meditations. for breaks, i write in my diary, continue reading Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain, and or just take short stretching exercises and even naps.

i've also been feeding my soul some really satisfying morsel--

last night i watched Fiddler on the Roof and cried so, but in a good way.

today, in between work, i'm savoring Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea.

with breaks like these, i'm producing really excellent work and am confident i can meet the deadline i have set for my self to turn in my paper by april 11.

: )

A Grandmother's Advice

Trust your heart and you'll always win. The whole purpose of life is to live it, love it, and take a happy smile to God when you're done. I never gave a hoot about what anyone thought.

- from Amanda Larson's Grandma Edna (click on this link to see whole article)

St. Paolo

two nights ago, while Paolo and i were reviewing for his Christian Living exam, out of the blue, he voiced out, "you know, ma, i really really want to be a saint."

i was touched and delighted, of course. "sure you can, palangga (Ilonggo for "dearest one"). you're already a good, smart boy with a good heart. all you need to do is to grow up and share your blessings with others!"

paolo frowns, "but ma, how can i??? it's so crowded already!"

i was confused, "what's crowded, 'langga-- heaven?"

"no, ma, the calendar! how can i still get my name in there???"

: S