Being Good to Me

it is the last day of christmas vacation today, and i mostly spent it still cleaning up.

i only initially wanted to sort out and reorganize my old files and books, but one thing led to another, and before i realized it, the whole house was being cleaned! (you have to understand that i don't usually do the cleaning as the maid does the routine ones; when i do "cleaning", it means complete overhauling--sorting out, deciding which ones to keep and give away, rearranging, reorganizing... and all the while the same processes take place within me mentally, emotionally and psychically. so it becomes not only an active kind of meditation but even like an inner pilgrimage.)

i have other, "more important" things to do with my time and energies, but i hold them at bay. im also succeeding very well now at not indulging in self-bashing and guilt-tripping for slacking off from the "more important" things and attending to my inner and personal needs for cleaning in all ways instead.

off the cuff, here are the things i am supposed to have finished by today, as i should have worked on them during the two-week christmas vacation:

1. check students' papers and exams
2. update class records
3. compute Prelim grades
4. work on and finish my aunt's marketing project/blog stories on suppliers, promised due at around this time
5. work on and finish a friend and client's master plan project for the media network she's overseeing, promised due at around this time
6. write final output on an individual study began in 2001 yet
7. write final output on a group research on pop culture, promised due at around this time
8. translate two talks i have given into papers for publication
9. do my MA assignments in: International Human Rights and Humanitarian Law, Ethical and Religious Perspectives on Peace and Conflict, and Conflict History; all due weeks ago!

but, you know what, this christmas vacation, starting on dec. 19th when i also started preparing for christmas and got caught up in the holiday spirit, i simply decided id prioritize me and my needs for rest, enjoyment and relaxation this time, after having driven my self to produce and produce for others for most of my life.

i figured, work will always be there. and it will be done when it's absolutely time for me to work on them. but, i cannot afford to risk going on shortcircuit due to burnout anymore, not when im all i and my kids have got.

i have been sensing for a long time that if i don't do this now-- give to my self at last-- i will not have anything much to give to others for the long haul, at least not the kind of whole hearted giving i do, when even my most routine of work projects bear the stamp of my intense passion and love for the work itself.

i am 95% done with my cleaning project now, and i figure i can let the 5% go for another week, or delegate it to the maid. in a little while, i'll start on To Dos numbered 1, 2 and 3, with the rest to follow as they come up for "last deadline" status in the next two to three weeks.

im going slower, but surer now, taking care to treat my self gently and lovingly, and giving way to my periodic needs for rest before i can go on again, instead of pushing my self on overdrive like i used to before.

that is basically my only New Year's Resolution now-- to just be good to me at last.