Thursday, May 11, 2006

anxiety

i woke up feeling anxious.

i had meant to stay up late last night to finish checking my students' papers, but instead, after showering and lying in bed just winding down and relaxing, i fell asleep. : (

i slept so deeply i woke up at 6am already, which is beyond my "normal" waking time of 2-3am.

and so, as soon as i got up, like a robot, i proceeded to the bundle of papers left on the table for marking.

the more i marked, though, the more i felt anxious about the soo many things to do today and which i haven't prepared well for last night -- the newspaper fullpage ad one of our university's top brass asked me to do yesterday and due today, my meeting with my co-trainor this afternoon for this weekend's basic communication skills training for grassroots... sigh.

im thinking now of not meeting my classes yet; i don't like meeting them when i am not so prepared. besides, they still have their group assignment in our class to finish too. so it might be more mutually beneficial for us to meet next week already (we don't meet tomorrow for their Summer Splash activity at a far-away beach resort).

but then, there's this accusing voice inside me hissing, "Slacker!!! No-good lazy, slacker!!! You're a fake! You don't really have what it takes to be good! You're no good! Slacker, slacker, slacker!!!

sigh.

so there i was, marking papers with increasing panic and dread for the day, until i couldn't take it anymore, so i went to the pc instead to distract my self and to get the panic level down to manageable level.

as has been my habit now, i proceeded to check my "vitamin pill" emails from J, a very very good and special friend who somehow manages to erase my blues away everytime i hear from him or see him.

that helped a lot. : )

feeling a lot better now, i proceeded to check the business emails and process requests and orders there. i know that accomplishing something, ticking one item off my To Do list, no matter how small that thing is, helps in boosting confidence and energies, and chases more of the blues and panic attacks away.

and it did.

i thought to check my other regular email but then the screen froze so i had to restart the pc. between restarting and now, in the quiet stillness of this early morning alone while the kids are still asleep, i managed to face my anxiety again and look at it gently, compassionately, lovingly this time.

i haven't done my regular meditations since the Vios came (: D), with all the excitement a new life with a new car brings. heehee. it somehow had a domino effect on all the other areas of my life, things working out, other plans and Intentions falling through and manifesting too, people and situations surprisingly conforming, acquiescing to my every desire, as if i've suddenly acquired the Midas touch.

still, for the last 3 or so weeks i haven't meditated, despite all the positive energies and excitement, i've also fallen back to my old modes of anxiety and panic attacks when little things didn't go as planned-- like funds dwindling before the next infuse comes in, and things still left undone at the end of a busy, productive day.

the good thing about this, though, is that, now, because of my meditations before, i have become more self aware, and so now, i was able to pinpoint the exact cause of my anxiety and panic attacks, right on the dot when they would actually spring up.

i worked with my anxious feelings about money these last few days and i feel proud of my self for being able to work it through. nobody knew i was walking around with only 9 pesos in my wallet yesterday! (: D) mainly because i didn't feel it nor look it.

so now, i will work on my anxious feelings with my remaining To Dos.... but i am working more gently and lovingly with my self now. i used to have these really horrid self-bashing thoughts; now, i look at the things left undone, and why i wasn't able to do them (tiredness from doing so much so well already), and i feel compassion and love for my self, for all my efforts and the good things i do manage to get done, instead of focusing on the things still left undone.

i am learning to just stay with the anxiety until it passes, meanwhile doing productive, self-loving diversions like what i did this morning. i am learning, too, to really prioritize and value activities and the people i associate with, postponing the less important ones for the more, delaying some activities in favor of more significant ones, and seeing it as really focusing more of my attention and energies now to things that really matter to me in the long term, despite the many distractions and requests and impositions on my time, attention and energies.

most of all, because of my meditation experiences before, and my non-meditation experiences now, i am seeing how important and self-loving practicing my meditations regularly really is, because i can more clearly compare and see the difference now.

lately, i have been back to my pattern of a rush of energies in the morning tapering off towards noon and declining by early evening, compared with my 20-hour rush of energies and 4-hour really deep and relaxed sleep before when i regularly meditated.

so starting last monday, i have actually re-started my meditations again, going for the full strength the first time, and half-strength yesterday, listening only to meditation music in the background while i worked.

it is not so much unconscious overhwhelm coming up but my having become more self-aware to recognize my blocks and self-defeating attitudes and behaviors that have always been there but which i only "see" clearly now, like this current challenge with living with my anxieties.
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