Monday, February 04, 2008

questions of the heart

both Papa and Mama are currently in separate hospitals, with Mama in the ICU for her third stroke and Papa just out of surgery for left leg amputation due to diabetes complications-- another and more serious bout of the life-threatening diseases they both seemed to have collected separately after their marriage broke down, 20 years ago.

i go through the motions of making my visits and calls, but i don't really know what to say or do to ease their pain.

i just show up. i figure, somehow, i hope my visits and calls still help.

the other day, i found a used book for sale in the mall, something on change, loss and grief, and im reading it to help me, so i can help them, if i still can.

and then, there are the questions of my heart...

seeing them in pain breaks my heart so, is it better that they continue to live, or die now?

what are their lives about, then?

and who am i (again)?

what is my life about (again)?

what is Life about, then?


these questions haunt me most especially when im in bed at night, should be falling asleep, but can't.

...

they haunt me too, during the day, especially when im alone, driving.

it doesn't help that that day one week ago Papa was to be undergoing surgery and needing Type A+ blood, and it fell upon me to look for the blood, and in my nervousness, i also went in for fasting blood sugar testing, and i recently went back for my tests and found i had 221 mg/dL when the normal range is only 70-110 mg/dL!

more questions assail me...

does that mean im diabetic now too? (both Papa and Mama are)

what if i go their way soon?

what will happen to me?

who will take care of my kids?

what about B and i, and our long and lasting love?

...

i try to take even better care of my self now-- eating more healthily, exercising more regularly, meditating more often, feeding my mind only positive things and consciously thinking positively but-- i am also feeling so onion-skinned these days. sometimes i dread having people so close by. i am afraid that if they just so much as touch me by accident, i would totally come undone.

it's a struggle just holding my self together these days. i feel like a Lego toy with the plug-in parts all loose and unwieldy.

these days, i just want to stay even more at home, and just be close to my kids, and B...


where do i go from here, dear heart?
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