Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Living On the Edge

my little anxiety-causing problem of the other day was quickly solved yesterday.

as i said, there was the free rice offer from Papa, so yesterday, after picking the two older kids up from school, we went straight to Papa's "for a visit". i'm glad we did, not only because of the rice, but Papa was in one of his rare genial and relaxed moods. i felt better seeing him being up and about and looking strong and active, unlike my last visit almost a month ago when i found him in bed in his darkened room at noontime, feeble and weak. he invited the kids and i to have dinner with him and i accepted. i knew it was his way of prolonging our visit, and i wanted to continue chatting with him too. it would look bad and we would feel bad if we just went there for the rice!

then, early at dawn yesterday morning, it occurred to me to email my aunt, whom i do a website content provision for, to ask her if i could have my monthly consultancy fee of 5k advanced from the usual 15th payout. by early afternoon, it was already transferred to my bank account, thank God for her!

so today, as i needed only 1k to 2k for additional food and groceries for this week, i only withdrew that amount and bought some more food and groceries, feeling safe and secure again that i still have enough left as temporary savings...

however, by midmorning today, my sister texted me to ask if i had any spare funds as they were rushing to beat the deadline at the bank before the checks they issued became overdue. i only thought for a moment or two, and decided that the funds in my possession are not really mine to own and even hoard, that i am just a channel of blessings, even as other people have been channels of blessings to me. so i offered her my remaining 3k left today, which she promised to pay back by friday or monday.

i come home to a house that is safe and comfortable (especially with two airconditioners working now!), made warm and secure by the love and laughter of my children, even if my wallet is, again, almost empty. : )

some part of me is tempted to become anxious again -- what if some household things or the car gas runs out even before the week is over? what if emergencies arise and i have nothing to cover for them? what if....????

so many what-ifs,... so many taunts and jeers against my inner peace, trying to fan my fears and consume my as-yet fragile sense of security today. sigh.

but i take a deep breath and force my self to counter-- haven't i always been taken care of? haven't people and circumstances always moved to take care of my good in the end? haven't things always worked out for good?

yes. yes. YES!

i will be okay, even if this crazy life is lived on the edge a lot. : ) i will be okay. my children and i will be okay.

thank you God, for your unfailing Love and Abundance!!!
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