Thursday, September 29, 2005

Magic

i haven't posted lately, as i've been busy, just keeping my head up above the waters of my "real" world of work and responsibilities.

then, too, there's the recent financial challenge.

as soon as i got my butterfly biz commission income, i settled down to planning my budget for the next cycle, and i felt happy to see that for the first time in a long time... i am finally able to make ends meet!

and then... the blow.

i left for a weekend training at a mountain resort last weekend, thinking that all was well with my world and home, leaving it safe and comfortable. but just as we got down from the mountain to return home sunday afternoon, the jeepney we were riding in had engine trouble. so we had to stop in the middle of a quite deserted highway to get the trouble fixed. after two hours, it still wasn't fixed and my companions were getting edgy and complaining as it was getting dark. i decided to count the stars instead.

by eight in the evening, i did arrive home. i gues the highway incident was just a portent of things to come.

when i arrived home, i found our water tank non-functional and the car unable to start. i hastily texted the water tank repairman, who, to his credit, did rush to fix the problem, even if it was a sunday, and a sunday evening at that, working late into the night. i texted the car mechanic too who promised to tow the car out monday morning.

all that trouble meant only one thing-- a ruined budget for me. of course i had the funds to pay for the major repairs, but it also meant wiping out half of my budget for other things and bills to pay. it didn't help when i learned that the reason the water tank broke down was because the maid forgot to turn the water motor off when they had a brownout earlier in the weekend. : (

at this point, it was easier to whine and complain and even harangue the maid for being so foolish-- see what it cost us! but i rememberd counting stars earlier and the sense of peace and untouchable serenity i got even from those few brief moments, and i resolved to my self i won't let these things get to me, that surely i am bigger than all of these, that i won't stoop down to pettiness and bitching and complaining and making other people miserable just because it's getting me down, too.

i did feel attacked... besieged, though. i thought life was being terribly unfair. here i am, a single mother, doing everything and more just to keep things together and make things right, and it throws these monkey wrenches at me at the most unexpected of times! have i no right to even just enjoy some feeling of non-anxiety from always having to make ends meet? do i not deserve to rest too from all the working and struggling and scrimping and straining?

i cried my self to sleep that night, feeling so alone and helpless. but i never did outwardly complain or bitch at the people around me. what's the use?

i woke up the next day with a grim determination to see these challenges through, again, like i always have. i kept my tongue even when it was most tempting to be catty. i held my peace even when i was feeling most besieged. i went to manila for another meeting, and decided to just temporarily enjoy being away for a while and forget about the problems here...

it is strange, though, that when i came back from manila the next day, things just somehow started to fall into place. the car and water tank bills were huge, much larger than i expected, but it didn't bother me anymore. i figured i'll be taken care of anyway, as i always have been.

and indeed, i am being taken care of!

a client i am doing some writing for asked to meet for more work to do (which means more income for me!) i found cheaper but quality substitutes for some items in my list i had to buy, so that freed up some more funds in my tight budget. i even discovered that i erroneously budgeted for my youngest's tuition twice, so i only actually had to pay half of what i budgeted for her, freeing up some more funds...!

and that's not really just it... the money matters. as i went about fulfilling all my other To Dos, i just found people more accommodating of me, more eager to grant my requests happily. i finally went to the civil registrar to request for an annotated copy of my marriage contract, annotating it annulled. i've put off this task for a month now, knowing how tedious and time consuming the process can be at these government offices. but the other day, strangely, i accomplished it in just one morning! : O

all these little magical things, of the tide turning for me... made me wonder if i've suddenly acquired some magical charm to make people and circumstances suddenly do my bidding. i remember a moment when i even thanked God for the double whammy of the huge car and water tank bills-- isn't it a good thing i can actually finally afford to pay in cash expenses like these? : D (i think i must've gotten beyond desperate, going over the edge in my positivity to giddy silly level!)

but i seriously suspect now that some universal law is at work here.

i've read about it in many books, not just metaphysical ones, but history and literature, too; there seems to be that special time in the tide of human affairs, that particular moment, when nothing seems to going for the hero or heroine, when everything is, in fact, going against him or her, and her last recourse is her faith and will, and she takes hold of those, reclaims those, and decides to rise above her circumstances anyway.... and slowly but surely, the tide begins to turn in her favor... the blessings start trickling in again... the magic happens.

it is an eerie feeling, when one finds one's self in the center of all that, seemingly causing all that, coming face to face with one's Power. i find my self glimpsing into eternity here, understanding the miracle of the fish and the loaves at last, like i've finally found some old ancient key that unlocks all doors...
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