You Begin Again

by Barry Manilow

Sometimes it's hard to believe
how simple life can be
just when you think
you'll never reach the end
you're finally round the bend
and see

there's no need to cry anymore
life's better than before
yesterday fades away into the past
the pain you thought would last
is gone

and you begin again
sometimes you lose,
sometimes you win
but you begin again
even though you're heart is breaking
in time, the sun will shine
and you'll begin again
you'll begin again

life's bittersweet mystery
never tells what will be
you can create your own reality
and make your dreams come true
it's really up to you

if you begin again
sometimes you lose,
sometimes you win
but you begin again
even though your heart is breaking
in time, the sun will shine
and you'll begin again
you'll begin again

When you begin again

1528

it's taking some time
erasing
1528 emails
sent and received
back and forth
over the course
of 381 days,
13 moons, and
the breadth,
depth,
height
of all the joys,
and sorrows,
growing,
and learning
Love can bring.

it's taking some time
erasing
1528 emails,
but each mailbox page
deleted
lifts,
lightens,
frees.

it's taking some time
erasing
1528 emails
and
it's all worth
everything
i've got
i gave.

it's taking some time
erasing
1528 emails
but
they don't belong here
anymore.

Today's Quotes

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

-Anais Nin

***

From "A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

In order to ensure our progress toward the goal of enlightenment, the Holy Spirit has a highly individualized curriculum for everyone. Every encounter, every circumstance can be used by Him for His purposes. He translates between our perfect cosmic self, and our worldly insanity. He enters into the illusion and leads us beyond it. He uses love to create more love, and He responds to fear as a call for love.

Everyone is on a spiritual path; most people just don't know it. To become a miracle worker means to take part in a spiritual underground that's revitalizing the world, participating in a revolution of the world's values at the deepest possible level.

We're all assigned a piece of the garden, a corner of the universe that is ours to transform. Our corner of the universe is our own life--our relationships, our homes, our work, our current circumstances--exactly as they are. Every situation we find ourselves in is an opportunity, perfectly planned by the Holy Spirit, to teach love instead of fear.

Symptoms of Inner Peace

Some signs and symptoms of inner peace (originally from Emi Rose's blog):

• A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
• An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
• A loss of interest in judging other people.
• A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
• A loss of interest in conflict.
• A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom).
• Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
• Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
• Frequent attacks of smiling.
• An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
• An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.

I really am on the right track, after all... : ) If this is a "dis-ease" I don't ever want to be cured!

The Retrieval of Intuition As Initiation

notes from Chapter 3 of 'Women Who Run With the Wolves" by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, again and again, to remind my self that I am on the right track, no matter what the rest may say:

To possess good intuition, goodly power, causes work. It causes work firstly in the watching and comprehending of negative forces and imbalances both inward and outward. Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees, be it for good, or balance, or to allow something to die.

I will not lie to you; it is easier to throw away the light and go to sleep. For with it, we clearly see all sides of ourselves and others, both the disfigured and the divine and all conditions in between.

Yet, with this light the miracles of deep beauty in the world and in humans come to consciousness. With this penetrating light one can see past the bad action to the good heart, one can espy the sweet spirit crushed beneath hatred, one can understand much instead of being perplexed only. This light can differentiate layers of personality, intention, and motives in others. It can determine consciousness and unconsciousness in self and others. It is the wand of knowing. It is the mirror in which all things are sensed. It is the deep wild nature.

Yet, there are times when its reports are painful and almost too much to bear: for it also points out where there are betrayals brewing, where there is faintness of courage in those who speak otherwise. It points out envy lying like cold grease behind a warm smile; it points out the looks which are mere masks for dislike. As regards to oneself, its light is equally bright: it shines on our treasures and on our foibles.

---

The way to maintain one's connection to the wild is to ask yourself what is it that you want. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.

We choose a thing because it just happened to be beneath our noses at that moment in time. It is not necessarily what we want, but it is interesting, and the longer we gaze at it, the more compelling it becomes.

When we are connected to the instinctual self, to the soul of the feminine which is natural and wild, then instead of looking over whatever happens to be on display, we say to ourselves, "What am I hungry for?" Without looking at anything outwardly, we venture inward and ask, "What do I long for? What do I wish for now? What do I crave? What do I desire? For what do I yearn?"

It takes spirit, will, and soulfulness and it often means holding out for what one wants.

My New Shortlist : )

single,
available,
honest,
trim and healthy,
positive,
responsible,
takes good care of himself and his life,
someone I can talk to,
someone I can also be happily quiet with,
noble,
kind,
brave,
true.

bring him on, Universe! : )

Healing Talk

M and i finally had a good, long, deep and sincere healing talk last night, initiated by my humbly sharing with him my pain and grief and my confusion at how things suddenly changed so fast. i asked him a lot of painful questions, and he honestly answered all of them, to his credit, even as he shared too how it caused him pain to know i am in pain.

indeed the Truth does set one free, and how quickly so.

i could understand now our recent heated, conflicted communications over the past two months, and his quickly falling for another less... "trying" (his words, not mine).

it basically has to do with how we basically viewed marriage, or an ideal romantic relationship, at least.

he views it as one idyllic, as-much-as-possible conflict-free nice boat ride by a placid lake. row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... he even defines soulmate as someone who just happily and agreeably goes along with him almost all of the time (because they are temperementally the same?), so there is no conflict.

i learned, after much reflection, that i view it quite differently-- more like an Indiana Jones kind of adventure, sharing challenges and trials and lots of fun and laughter and stories especially after overcoming those challenges. my definition of soulmate is someone who is a true mate of my soul, challenging me when i am being less than who i am, and empowering me to grow beyond my comfort zones, so that my soul is truly growing and thriving and strengthening, sturdy against the vicissitudes of life.

to someone with his view, my kind of ideal relationship would indeed be "trying", if not downright scary and exhausting.

to someone with my kind of view, his kind of ideal relationship would be, at best, "interesting", but a ho-hum kind of interesting, and definitely boring after quite a while. i wouldn't want to stay there for long.

i can understand now why he was scared of my unpredictable, passionate nature, and-- in my view-- attacked it as something ugly and undesirable. his fear of me made me feel unwanted, undesirable and unloved, in the end.

i can understand now, too, why i was frustrated by his careful, reticent nature when it comes to addressing issues and conflict head on, which-- in my view-- tended towards the inconsistent, if not downright wishy-washy sometimes. my frustration with him probably made him feel pressured and as if "lacking" something essential as a man, not living up to my expectations, which probably made him feel like he was failing me in some important ways.

so, even if I still think he is my Soulmate-- he has been a worthy match for me, in terms of challenging me to grow further and grow up-- alas, he doesn't think I am his. that's not a good way to move on further in a romantic relationship. even Pollyana-ish me can see the futility of that.

if based on fairy tales as templates, probably his kind of ideal relationship is like Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White (no conflict between prince and princess; only conflicts with evil witches! : >). mine would be more like Beauty and the Beast, and Pocahontas. : )

the deep love and bond between us is still there, though, and-- after all is said and done-- even those that caused a lot of pain. we still both deeply feel and believe we can be at least, Best Friends for Life, as we cannot bear to live life without each other in it, at least, to share ideas and experiences with.

so we will begin again, as just Friends, this time, and see how it goes.

meanwhile, i wish him well with his newfound "true love" (he calls her, after only two weeks. :> cute. as i still think he is so clueless about what true loving really means; but then, we see the world differently, so he is right and i am right too...), as i move on my self, to more adventures!

now, i really should not take it personally anymore.

what a quickly healing, liberating thought!

P.S. today is exactly the one year anniversary of when we first communicated with each other. 'coming full circle, huh.

The Best Parts of Giving You Up

The best parts of giving you up, I suddenly appreciate more fully now.

Giving you up also means giving up:

the held breath,
the skip in two heartbeats
when an email comes up
or the phone rings
not expecting them
to be from you anyway.

even if they were,
i've given up
the delicious anticipation
of your words
or your voice,
as lately
i have actually come
to dread them anyway.

now,
i can go through my day
more clear-seeing
with surprising energies
for the myriad interests
and projects
i thank God
i have not given up too,
just because you were here.


strangely, too,
strangers come
out of the woodwork
from everywhere--
giving me
a kindly smile,
a friendly look,
more than a hint of interest.
and i am reminded
once again:
how good and valuable i am,
and how wrong you were.

although giving you up
meant giving up some old dreams
in deep sorrow;
it also means creating more new dreams
in expectant joy.

the bestest best part though
is giving up
the anger,
the pain,
the convoluted schemes
for revenge
to make you pay.
i am suddenly
truly
free!


hopelessness and hope;
emptiness and fullness;
darkness and Light--
each, both, all
and at the same time
in me.

denial,
bargaining,
anger,
depression,
acceptance--
Kubler-Ross says:
you go through them all,
and not exactly
in neat progression.

it's okay.
i'm embracing them all.

i'm embracing Me
again.

Embracing me.
That's even better
than bestest best. : )

Independence Day

Today, I give you up.

You have hurt me enough--

with your blaming words,

accusing words,

always painting me

as the person causing you

all your troubles

and all your fears to rise up.

When I am just being

authentically,

wonderfully me--

honest,

kind,

following my Heart and Soul.

Your fears are yours,

not mine.

Take the shit back

to right where they belong:

with you.

Today, I give you up.

You will hurt me no more.

I deserve better,

someone finer,

someone mine-r,

someone who

celebrates me,

as I celebrate him,

and Life and Love and Laughter,

together

or apart.

Today, I give you up.

Read my hand:

stop talking to me already.

If I cause you

so much trouble,

why do you still

hound me so?

Narcissus

'also an old blog post here, originally written in November, 2004. 'funny how i keep resurrecting old posts from long ago now, like i'm running back into the Past and only meeting my Present, every time...

***
once i met a man
who was so proud--
he accused me of all
the darker things
he was.

now he surrounds himself
with women
who reflect back to him
all the brilliant things
he thinks
he is.

Remember Who You Are

i got this (and posted it here, too) almost a year ago, but i'm going to post this again here now, as it is still so appropriate to the trying situation i am especially finding my self in now--

The Little Soul and the Sun

Message from the Universe

what a timely message i got from The Universe! : )

Disappointment, without anger, is the mark of an old soul.

Not being disappointed, Jeanette, is the mark of a really old soul.

And trusting life so thoroughly that every step on its path is valued more than where it was supposed to take you, is the mark of eternal youth.

You hottie,
The Universe

P.S. Clapping uproariously whenever a new challenge arises, Jeanette? Well, I say we keep that between us.

Life Happens

For Mama, and Thea, and my dearest Friends A and L--

Life (shit, actually) has happened in the most unexpected of ways, and you know. So you might keep coming to my blogs to find out how I am, as I have refused to speak about it any further, for a while, anyway.

Please don't worry about me. I am fine now and thriving beautifully amidst the flux and chaos. As this blog quotes-- when Life happens to you, that is your opportunity to show to Life Who You Really Are.

And I have decided to handle this with the Wisdom and Beauty and Grace of a real Woman, not the grief and tantrums of a child.

I will be alright, and something Good is coming out of this, I trust, and I know.

I've been through worse before, and look how beautiful my life has become! : D Incidentally, today, June 8, is the 5th anniversary of when I left my marriage in 2002... so wish me a Happy Independence Day, too. : )

Thank you for all your Love and support. I appreciate it and am moved and comforted by it, more than I can say.

Love,
Me

I Promise Myself...

Please click here.

Taking Responsibility

THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Thursday, June 7, 2007

Take responsibility
+++++++++++++++++++

Whatever your troubles may be, you can always find something
or someone else to blame. But there's nothing of real value
to be gained by doing so.

Certainly there are many factors that influence the events
and outcomes in your life. The best things to focus on,
however, are the things you can control.

Sure, the weather or the economy or the government or your
next-door neighbor may have inflicted some difficulties upon
your life. So what is the best way to move forward?

Resentment and anger will do little more than waste your
time and could likely make you ill. Building an elaborate
case of blame for what has happened will drain your energy
and leave you no further ahead than when you started.

Instead, consider forgiveness. Even though someone else may
be to blame, consider the freedom and power and control of
taking full responsibility for your own situation.

When you focus on blame, you position yourself as a helpless
victim. Choose instead to take responsibility, and you'll
live life on your own terms.

Ralph Marston

............................................................................
This is the Daily Motivator email edition.
Copyright (C) 2007 Ralph S. Marston, Jr. All rights reserved.
Visit The Daily Motivator web site at http://greatday.com for an
archive
of more than 2,500 daily messages, inspirational photos and more.

Heart and Soul

"We dance to a whispered voice. Overheard by the soul. Undertook by the heart.

And you may know it. If you may know it."

— Neil Diamond from Soundtrack for "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"

Faith

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.

- Mary Manin Morrissey

Wounds of Wisdom

Turn your wounds into wisdom. You will be wounded many times in your life. You'll make mistakes. Some people will call them failures but I have learned that failure is really God's way of saying, "Excuse me, you're moving in the wrong direction." It's just an experience, just an experience.

--Oprah Winfrey, Wellesley College commencement, 1997

The Glory of Love

we learn it over and over again... and we never stop learning

Love, by Kahlil Gibran

When Love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as Love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height
and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall Love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only Love's peace and Love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of Love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather,
"I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of Love,
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate Love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
and a song of praise upon your lips.