M and i finally had a good, long, deep and sincere healing talk last night, initiated by my humbly sharing with him my pain and grief and my confusion at how things suddenly changed so fast. i asked him a lot of painful questions, and he honestly answered all of them, to his credit, even as he shared too how it caused him pain to know i am in pain.
indeed the Truth does set one free, and how quickly so.
i could understand now our recent heated, conflicted communications over the past two months, and his quickly falling for another less... "trying" (his words, not mine).
it basically has to do with how we basically viewed marriage, or an ideal romantic relationship, at least.
he views it as one idyllic, as-much-as-possible conflict-free nice boat ride by a placid lake. row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... he even defines soulmate as someone who just happily and agreeably goes along with him almost all of the time (because they are temperementally the same?), so there is no conflict.
i learned, after much reflection, that i view it quite differently-- more like an Indiana Jones kind of adventure, sharing challenges and trials and lots of fun and laughter and stories especially after overcoming those challenges. my definition of soulmate is someone who is a true mate of my soul, challenging me when i am being less than who i am, and empowering me to grow beyond my comfort zones, so that my soul is truly growing and thriving and strengthening, sturdy against the vicissitudes of life.
to someone with his view, my kind of ideal relationship would indeed be "trying", if not downright scary and exhausting.
to someone with my kind of view, his kind of ideal relationship would be, at best, "interesting", but a ho-hum kind of interesting, and definitely boring after quite a while. i wouldn't want to stay there for long.
i can understand now why he was scared of my unpredictable, passionate nature, and-- in my view-- attacked it as something ugly and undesirable. his fear of me made me feel unwanted, undesirable and unloved, in the end.
i can understand now, too, why i was frustrated by his careful, reticent nature when it comes to addressing issues and conflict head on, which-- in my view-- tended towards the inconsistent, if not downright wishy-washy sometimes. my frustration with him probably made him feel pressured and as if "lacking" something essential as a man, not living up to my expectations, which probably made him feel like he was failing me in some important ways.
so, even if I still think he is my Soulmate-- he has been a worthy match for me, in terms of challenging me to grow further and grow up-- alas, he doesn't think I am his. that's not a good way to move on further in a romantic relationship. even Pollyana-ish me can see the futility of that.
if based on fairy tales as templates, probably his kind of ideal relationship is like Sleeping Beauty, or Snow White (no conflict between prince and princess; only conflicts with evil witches! : >). mine would be more like Beauty and the Beast, and Pocahontas. : )
the deep love and bond between us is still there, though, and-- after all is said and done-- even those that caused a lot of pain. we still both deeply feel and believe we can be at least, Best Friends for Life, as we cannot bear to live life without each other in it, at least, to share ideas and experiences with.
so we will begin again, as just Friends, this time, and see how it goes.
meanwhile, i wish him well with his newfound "true love" (he calls her, after only two weeks. :> cute. as i still think he is so clueless about what true loving really means; but then, we see the world differently, so he is right and i am right too...), as i move on my self, to more adventures!
now, i really should not take it personally anymore.
what a quickly healing, liberating thought!
P.S. today is exactly the one year anniversary of when we first communicated with each other. 'coming full circle, huh.