Underground

that's where i've been, these past 5 days-- going within, getting clear about what my heart and soul wanted...

and -- you wouldn't believe it! -- creating a new blog, but this time, incognito, just for my self and my own consumption, just to be able to truly and freely speak my mind and heart again as i am, without fear or anxiety about people i know and care about reading my blogs and mis-reading into it their own fears and anxieties with me, about me, for me...

i don't know what other people's motives for writing on their blogs are, but for me, aside from the instant catharsis and the intimate sharing with close family and friends, the more basic thing is really for meaning-making... trying to make sense of my experiences and my thoughts and feelings, for my own growth and self-knowledge. and usually, after i've written (processed) something down, i am wholer than ever, and i am able to move on.

but i have learned that people read other things into it and misunderstand... and sometimes, that's the loneliest and most painful place to be in: speaking so much, sharing so deeply, but being misunderstood... and worse, judged.

so at times like these, i keep quiet instead, and go underground.