Thursday, October 06, 2005


i've been feeling like a retiree these days.

the long years of struggle and proving my self seem to be finally over. i am coasting along now, borne by the goodwill i've sown among people, and the various inner gifts of character, insight and wisdom i've developed because of those long years of struggle.

i'm wrapping up old long, overdue projects even as i launch new ones with new people, new groups im meeting in my life now. new shoots are sprouting up, which are going to need my care and attention in the coming months and years. they are shoots now that are more in line with my lifelong goals and vision for my self and the kind of life i desire for the second half of my life -- peace work, communications, training and consultancy, writing...

wonderfully, they are also projects which would be giving me multiple streams of income in the coming months and years. just what i've always wanted; to not be too dependent on any single regular job, beholden to some people and an institution, but going freelance instead, working from home, and being sought out by people who need my services and willing and able to pay good money for them too, because of the reputation i've developed for professionalism, quality work and integrity...

i'm even relearning these days how to be my own best friend even, not bashing my self too much for things left undone at the end of the day, but congratulating my self instead for things i did do. there is a lot less pressure now to pack it all in in 24 hours, when they are things actually good for accomplishing in 48 to 72 hours.

... all good news, huh? : )

still, it takes some getting used to. some days, i still slip into the old mode, "pressuring" my self almost unconsciously instead for largely inconsequential matters... i guess it's always like this in the process of growth and change... a cyclical process where even as you move forward, you step back a step or two some days and actually almost "regress", just to feel comfortable again in the old mode, even as you try on the new and grow into it and learn to get used to it... much like a child, too, on her first few attempts at doing something new for her self, then going back to mama or papa to hide and be a baby again, then going out to attempt a little more next time, until she gets the hang of it.

but then again, i feel really old and wise and a little world-weary too, now. been there, done that, know a lot now.... so instead of looking ahead, as a blogger friend suggested some time ago, i just look around now and enjoy the sights and sounds, smelling the roses at last, just being open to what life offers each day, and responding as i am, however i feel like being at the moment.

it's a strange kind of being, though... being this at peace with one's self and one's world and one's life, when all around you people hurt and struggle and hurt each other and spin around in circles not knowing whether they're coming and going...

sometimes, i think i could die now, heehee... but not yet, as my kids need me to take care of them still. still, i can't help but feel too... there must be more coming, surely this must just be a temporary resting place, before new challenges come to test my mettle again... except that, this time, i am not afraid nor confused anymore, as this time, i finally know what i am about...

40 is still three years away. but i think Life has finally begun, even as all the "practice-living" before is now finally ending.
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