Sunday, October 09, 2005

Today is Mine

i first woke up at 5:30 a.m. earlier, looked out the window, wanting to take my early morning walk again, but decided to go back to sleep after seeing how very dark it still was for a solitary walk.

i next woke up at 7:07 a.m., and, instead of quickly jumping off the bed as i am wont to do, not by nature but by habit and lifestyle, today i just opened my eyes and stared at all the things around me, like a newborn babe just awakened, in alert but serene and quiet attention. and then the realization fully dawned upon me-- today is mine to use and choose -- and i smiled.

of course, most of us intellectually know that, but today, i knew it from inside, looking at all the things in my room with the kids-- the dresser, the closet, their scribbles and artwork on the wall and in the various pieces of paper taped to the dresser and the closet... and of course, my sleeping daughters, most beautiful and innocent in their slumber.

i felt a tremendous sense of gratitude for my life and my children, and how it's turning out so far, the home we have, our safety and good health and wellbeing, the food and clothes and books and toys we have, the love and laughter and learning and dreams and struggles and pains we all share...

i just felt lucky and blessed being alive today.

and so, instead of jumping off the bed, i started savoring today more slowly and tenderly and gently. first i stretched and enjoyed the stretching, then i got up slowly and walked barefoot, even as i turned off lights and opened the windows and started the pc. right now, i am listening to PianoRadio's Whisperings even as i go through my emails, the butterfly biz emails, and now, my blogs.

a little niggling thought tries to upset me-- "you have a verrry long list of To Dos; what are you doing taking your time not doing even one on your list?"

but i brush the thought away and decide-- i will probably always have a long list of To Dos for the rest of my life, what with my many interests and passions and projects. so what, let it be. the To Dos will always be there, after all.

but starting today, i decide more fully, more consciously now, how i will go about my day, which To Dos to pick and work on (or not work on), and how my day will turn out at each moment, each experience.

i decide to be happy and joyful today, to savor and enjoy my moments, to go gently, to speak softly and lovingly, to work more serenely, instead of letting other people and outside "demands" on my time and energies get to me.

i am feeling like i've just won the lottery this morning, with the next 16 hours a precious precious gift to do with as i please.

today is mine. and all the days after, from now on.
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