i am going to church again today, my second since last sunday when i felt compelled to go back, not because of any external pressure, but more of an inner need to refill my thirst for something deeper, higher.
the first time i went back to hearing mass again last sunday, i cried even as i thought to my self, "with God's help and Grace, i want to do it right this time."
it was a welcome, healing cry, and i felt mended, more whole afterwards.
so im going back there again today.
i told the kids last night and invited them to come along. paolo said he didnt want to go but the two girls said they'll come with me.
they stayed up late last night, though, and right now, they're still blissfully asleep.
i hate to wake them up.
birds are singing outside, and it is very quiet here, just me and my thoughts.
mama gently chides me for not being more of a regular churchgoer, and i keep resisting, although inwardly, i smile. God knows ive fulfilled my share of churchgoing for three lifetimes the year i was 17, when i passionately wanted to be a nun, and i went to church every day, sometimes, even twice a day, for more than a year or so! : )
she accuses me of being too much of a freethinker and a freespirit, an "activist" as she calls it (the way she says it makes "activist" sound like a cuss word...), but in my heart, i know-- i am as Catholic as probably even the most devout are.
i know my Church history and tradition and understand its failings even as it struggles to fulfill its role in this world. all through my teen years, when most other girls went crazy over clothes and makeup and boys, i steeped my self in reading the lives of the saints and Papal encyclicals and studying the Bible and thinking and writing about life and the spirit (even if i went crazy over one particular boy, from afar : > ) ... my God kept me company in a most intimate way, and sustained me for the trials and challenges of life then and afterwards...
oh no, ma, i could never really turn my back on what i was weaned on early in life, thanks to you and Mommy (my maternal grandma). : )
so im going back home again, today.
by God, with God, i want to make it right this time.
3 comments:
Mama will be happy, love.
Hope she is doing well.
Honey, since you had my email blocked you may have missed it when I told you I clicked the wrong button and deleted myself as administrator on J&J.
It probably affected you too.
So my recent message about getting it back (it just showed back up, love) may not have made sense.
But if you wrote it down when I sent it you have access to either blog to do anything that you think needs doing, love.
I think I am being ok with the entries. just talking about a mystical J that i love, but if anything is not what you think it should be you may delete it anytime, love.
thinking about the little guys on Sunday morning right now.
And their Mama at church.. : )
wow, love
tonight really taught me several lessons
how much i love you
how much you mean to me
how lost i am without you
how to put you first even while i ache at the thought of losing you
and something else was illustrated to me like never before too, love
when you said he loved the little guys so much - i was happy for them, honey, but I was three times more heart broken to see them go
they are really that much a part of me already even this far away
I am not sure it would be fair to boy if I were there and loved them as much as I do, love
It might make things difficult for him with the little guys
but you could always guide me
my heart has almost stopped racing from the announcement earlier. thank you for the explanation you made in the comment, love.
i do love you so
and you love me
that is the best part
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