i am going to church again today, my second since last sunday when i felt compelled to go back, not because of any external pressure, but more of an inner need to refill my thirst for something deeper, higher.
the first time i went back to hearing mass again last sunday, i cried even as i thought to my self, "with God's help and Grace, i want to do it right this time."
it was a welcome, healing cry, and i felt mended, more whole afterwards.
so im going back there again today.
i told the kids last night and invited them to come along. paolo said he didnt want to go but the two girls said they'll come with me.
they stayed up late last night, though, and right now, they're still blissfully asleep.
i hate to wake them up.
birds are singing outside, and it is very quiet here, just me and my thoughts.
mama gently chides me for not being more of a regular churchgoer, and i keep resisting, although inwardly, i smile. God knows ive fulfilled my share of churchgoing for three lifetimes the year i was 17, when i passionately wanted to be a nun, and i went to church every day, sometimes, even twice a day, for more than a year or so! : )
she accuses me of being too much of a freethinker and a freespirit, an "activist" as she calls it (the way she says it makes "activist" sound like a cuss word...), but in my heart, i know-- i am as Catholic as probably even the most devout are.
i know my Church history and tradition and understand its failings even as it struggles to fulfill its role in this world. all through my teen years, when most other girls went crazy over clothes and makeup and boys, i steeped my self in reading the lives of the saints and Papal encyclicals and studying the Bible and thinking and writing about life and the spirit (even if i went crazy over one particular boy, from afar : > ) ... my God kept me company in a most intimate way, and sustained me for the trials and challenges of life then and afterwards...
oh no, ma, i could never really turn my back on what i was weaned on early in life, thanks to you and Mommy (my maternal grandma). : )
so im going back home again, today.
by God, with God, i want to make it right this time.