Old and New

that's what im feeling these days-- old and new at the same time.

old like soul-weary old-- been there, done that, seen all, heard all, accept all with tolerance and magnanimity.

at 37 i seem to have lived a lifetime already: from sheltered and naive young lady to guileless trophy wife to fiercely loving mother to brave and wisened separada to passionate (and many times, foolish) lover, to bright and rising career woman... and now, it is just... me.

what else is there left for me to do?

yet, at 37, too, i stand poised at the edge of new explorations and new discoveries, not so much about my self now but about the world and engaging my powers with the world. i am free again, and free at last, to just be me, to live life on my own terms now, and to lovingly handcraft my life as i see fit.

i am feeling these days both like an old crone and a young girl all at once, not to mention a woman peaking in her powers.

but, at the same time, it is the loneliest feeling in the world-- to not really belong anywhere, neither here nor there, but always to be somebody in between, a mix of everything and nothing all at once, understanding and knowing everyone yet not being understood nor known by anyone...

blessed and cursed at the same time.

sigh.