Sunday, June 12, 2005

This Ordinary Life

family and friends ask me how im doing right now, but what can i say, really, without boring them to death about my excitement for what they consider as "the ordinary life"?

i have more time for my self and my children now. i can sleep when everyone else does, and wake up when everyone else does, not at the usual sleeping at 8pm waking at 2am kind of life i have been used to for more than a decade.

i can enjoy weekends now, just lounging around doing what i pleased, eating when i wanted, or sleeping when i felt like it, not spend my weekends still working at home, catching up on endless work backlog, and trying to be a step or two ahead of next week's, next month's work deadlines.

i have just enough money to provide for our needs now, and i feel blessed for that. i can make plans and dreams for things id like the children and i to have in the next few months, and even years, because i have the resources now to plan that far ahead. gone were the days when even thinking about where tomorrow's meal would come from was a major challenge.

i have been working for as far back as i can remember, maybe starting at age 6, when i learned to count, and was made to help out in my parents' general merchandise business. i remember when it was a tremendous source of guilt for me and my siblings to be caught lounging around or sleeping the day off, when there were a lot of chores to do at home and for the business. i can count on the fingers of my hand the few times i was able to sneak out to catch a movie with friends, much less go on dates all throughout my growing up years.

marriage didnt improve things either. i not only had to take care of my children as they came and grew, i also had to take care of a child in a man's body who expected the world to revolve around him.

giving, giving, giving....

only one who's also been where i've been can truly understand and appreciate my quiet exultation now at the ordinary things i am able to do for my self, at my own pace, in my own way.

i can watch tv again at my leisure now, and i am starting to rekindle a keen interest for my oldtime favorites, Oprah and The Lifestyle Channel. : ) i even see my self learning how to cook at last (!) and looking at house and furnishings designs, too... i am rediscovering unread books in my book shelves, and reconnecting with old friends even as i make new ones.

the struggling life is over. things seem to be just coming to me now without my having to strive hard for them, and they are the things that arouse my deepest desires and passions too. i am content to just be me, and let things come as they will, and let them go too when it's time.

i am feeling like i have grown so many eons older, yet also newly born, with my life opening up to all sorts of possibilities.

somebody asked me some days ago, how my life is like these days, and all i could blurt out was, "now i know what a retiree feels like!" : ) my friend smiled and giggled but she looked confused too, thinking it must be a bad thing, when i meant it to be a good thing.

but how could i explain?

... this ordinary life, this rich, meaningful, joyful, blessed ordinary life.
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