One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

i did not go to my aikido class last night. i arrived home at about 6pm, too tired and achy to do anything more but shower, eat and sleep.

yet i felt guilty, though; i really was growing to love my aikido lessons, even after only one session. but last night was a "spirit-is-willing-flesh-is-weak" time, and i just consoled my self with the fact that it's my way of taking one step back to take two steps forward next time, by going back to class on wednesday with more focus and energy.

i guess i was tired out from a 5-hour long chat with two old girlfriends yesterday. we had lunch, then later moved on to coffee and sweet cakes.

they did most of the talking while i just listened. both are unhappily married (well, one claims to be "working it out" but her snide remarks of her husband betrays her true feelings) and were naturally so involved in analyzing their angst and problems with their men. i just sat and smiled and nodded and affirmed them in any way i could.

but it tired me out, that kind of woe-is-me-when-will-i-be-happy? kind of thinking.

i was suggesting to a friend to take herself out for little treats, a spa treatment for instance, or a weekend getaway with her lover... but she immediately put up this huge wall of excuses, which eventually boiled down to whether her husband would allow her to do that for herself!

at that point, i felt exasperated, but i tried to gently chide her, "honey, the only permission you'll ever need to be happy is the permission you give to your self."