'still trying to get my bearings back after a wonderful, magical week-long Hong Kong trip! 'cant even begin to express it in words; maybe the pictures i will upload here soon would do it more justice.
i am glad i am coming home to semestral break, so i don't have to go to school to work. i still keep working on my many projects at home, though.
M is suddenly being a jerk with his sudden performance (commitment?) fears, and i don't think he realizes it. he scares me; im getting panicky, but he will never know it. the wiser part of me sees it as just another phase in our growing deeper in relationship, the push and pull dance of loving and taking space... so, unlike before with other loves who were also jerks at one time or another, i am staying put this time, deciding to ride this jerk's crisis of doubt out instead of matching it with my own tantrum too. maybe im tired of the silly old games before; maybe im just growing up now. or maybe i do love M too much now. or maybe, too, i just want to be worthy of my Soulmate--whether it's M or somebody else (somebody better?) still coming along.
besides, unlike with lesser loves before, even if my heart is breaking apart, my world is not necessarily crumbling down now. ive grown wise and strong enough to have built up my life and wellbeing not dependent on anybody else outside my self. so worst case scenario, even if M persists in being a jerk, my heart will break, yes, but i will move on, my life still intact and full and blooming in all other ways.
i finally was able to update my more than a year's worth of mortgage arrears today-- HOOORRRAYYYY!!! in addition to my paying my bills on time and collecting the certificate of full ownership for the aircon installment ive been dutifully paying off for a year. by next month, too, i will have paid off the last installment payment on my biggest credit card, and by the end of the year, i will only have the land tax arrears and a minor credit card payment to clean up.
by New Year's, my life will be mine-r than ever. : D sweet success, all mine.
thank You, God, for all the blessings we have received, all the blessings we are receiving, and all the blessings coming our way!!!