i am glad i spoke from the heart with M, before he leaves again for another weekend business trip halfway across the globe. it cleared things up between us.
i was reacting to his own fears and anxieties with my own fears and anxieties. initially, i thought id play it cool, not let him know. that's what LoveTactics.com teaches, to not appear needy or desperate. but in the end, i was so heartbroken i needed to let steam off.
it was quite a feat, expressing my true feelings, yet taking care not to accuse or blame him either. the best course of action was just telling him my feelings, and asking him if my interpretation of his words and actions, which caused my heartbroken feelings, were correct.
M was quick to respond back, speaking from the heart too, telling me his worries about not being able to provide well for us, so that's why he said that if he couldn't do that, i deserved better. i interpreted his words to mean that he's pushing me away, though, and i felt hurt and scared and panicky, that he didn't want to be with me anymore.
in the end, we both learned that we both clearly loved each other so dearly now, we cannot see life without each other in it. i still cherish his words-- "if it's meant to be, it will happen. if it's not, i will go to my grave still trying to change that reality. i love you more than life itself." : ) : ) : )
ohhhh, how this man takes my breath away; he says very little compared to what i say, but what he says, goes straight to the heart.
in the end, too, i learned that it is always best to speak from the heart, to risk being vulnerable, rather than act cool and disinterested, especially with something that means my life already!
i stayed put this time, instead of lashing back in hurt and anger and beating the other party to goodbye.
i stayed put this time, and spoke from my heart instead, shaking and trembling so, but staying put.
my, how far ive grown in so short a time!!!