Sunday, April 09, 2006

life, again

for two days now, i have been trying to put my finger on it, figure out what caused my almost instant psychic whack last friday evening, but i still can't really define what it is, although i have a sense of how it's been making me feel.

nope, no error sponsoring thoughts this time, although a lot of negative error thoughts sprouted soon after, especially during the whole day after that evening!

i've been going around for almost 4 weeks now, coasting, cruising along on my newfound equilibrium and sense of centeredness and joy and abundance of energies from having hit a rhythmic pace with my meditations. it has contributed greatly to my becoming more personally effective at work, doing more work in less time, but with even better quality, just because the old blocks of guilt-tripping and stressing out over things left undone seem to have magically evaporated! so with clarity and focus now, i am able to operate "in my zone", without angst, driving full steam ahead now, unlike the driving with the handbrakes on mode before.

last friday, i spent the whole day finishing up correcting papers and encoding scores, so i could come up with grades in MS Excel, to beat the 5:30p.m. deadline for the List of Failures. i did beat the deadline, at 5:25 p.m., and i felt mighty proud of my self for not only coming up with the List, but even managing to already prepare my grades well in advance of the april 19 deadline!

i came home suddenly pooped though, with numbers swimming in my head. so i decided to shower and lie down to rest, while waiting for dinner.

soon enough, though, little Bea came whining into the bedroom, upset that she couldn't find her art kit.

i let the whining pass over me for a while, until i couldn't take it anymore after i've made a few suggestions on where to look for it and each time, she would come back whining even more that it isn't there. i got fed up and stormed out of the room looking for it my self, just to stop her whining. soon enough, i found it hidden in a stack of toy chests, and i went on and on angry at the world for making me do too much for too many people, even when i already badly needed to rest.

she immediately quieted down, as well as the whole household too. i rarely get angry but when i storm, everyone knows not to say or do anything anymore lest it will further fuel my fire.

i went back to bed feeling guilty, though. bea did try to look for her art kit, in all the places i suggested. she was upset and tired, too, from all the looking.

i tried sleeping it off, but i only managed hot tears instead.

then, a colleague in the project i was working on texted, saying that a professor of ours in my MA class wanted to meet with me about my grades in the subject i just submitted my assignments for.... i knew in my gut that wasn't what he wanted to meet me about; we already had our grades ( i got a 95) and even passed the comprehensive exams. this is a professor i had an uncomfortable feeling about right from the start, as i sensed there was something more in the way he looked at me...

ooh well, anyway, i texted back my colleague saying that i was calling off my meeting with her the next morning because i hadn't finished the database i was supposed to turn over to her yet (i hadn't). but somehow, our messages turned to talking about the professor and why he wanted to meet me, urgently, and alone, and i ended up admitting that half of my reluctance to meet with her (i've postponed our meetings twice in a row already) was because i dreaded meeting this professor right after my meeting with her, as the idea they'd somehow hit upon was that he'd meet with me right after my meeting with my colleague.

anyway, to make a long story short, and a story id rather not elaborate on, she assured me that it wasn't anything personal at all (although she teased me about it before my revelation), which made me start doubting my self.

i was already at a low point that night from the incident with bea, and now, this.

so it started with those two incidents, but the next day, saturday, and until today, i am still feeling out of sorts, like whacked on the head to bring me to my senses and to the present reality of my not so perfect not so orderly not so always happy world. the whole day saturday, i spiralled down into a state of self-doubt and even self-loathing. i finally looked at the pictures thea downloaded from the digicam and into the computer, and i actually hated all the pictures with me in it! i was aware of the self-bashing thoughts going around in my head-- too fat, too ugly, wrinkles (laughlines) here, too old, what am i doing with these smart, gorgeous, beautiful children of mine?

i wanted to write about it in my journal but i couldnt even bring my self to do it! everything was confusing and dark and hazy; i decided to sleep early instead, hoping it'd just go away when i wake up. i remember thinking, though, as i fell asleep, that in confusing times like this, the best advice is always to go slow, and take even better care of me. and the thought consoled me, at least. so i showered slowly and lovingly, changed into sleep clothes, and went to sleep.

i am glad J was there to cheer me up and chase my blues away when i woke up. : ) thank God for J!

so today, i felt better, even as there is still this lingering sense of heaviness, of being mortal, and ordinary, and inconsequential...

it didn't help that in trying to cheer me up, my mom told me how my brother felt sorry for me, for my having to take care of three little ones and keep mind, heart, body and soul together for us all, all on my own. it should've touched me (it did), but it also bothered me to know that all this time, my family just feels sorry for me?! when i didnt even think of my self that way, not for a long while anyway, since my marriage broke down. ive always felt proud of my self and how ive handled all the challenges of my life so far, with grit and grace and fire and spirit, never compromising my integrity and highest ideals, despite severe limitations and not much support from other people. i would have liked to think that my family thought and felt for me that way, too... : (

writing about this now, im sure they do. i must just be hypersensitive these days. heck, maybe, the professor has purely academic intentions too, even, and i am just being overly imaginative again. (or am i? my gut reaction is not so much at an imaginative level, but at a feeling level!... and my gut feelings have never really failed me before, even if all appearances show the contrary..!)

sigh!!!

***

what i got from AstroCenter.com's personal horoscope in my email today made me both flinch (touche!) and smile (sheepishly) --

Emotionally you may be feeling a bit down, due to a nagging weightiness that has you pinned down to reality instead of letting you fly up in the clouds where you'd like to be, Jean. As a result, you may find yourself acting out in an effort to prove to yourself and others that you are somehow above all earthly things. Get over the mental block that tells you that being grounded is a bad thing. Planting your feet firmly on terra firma is how you find balance and attain the things that you want in this lifetime.
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