Monday, April 10, 2006

overwhelm

Definition:
  1. [v] charge someone with too many tasks
  2. [v] overcome by superior force
  3. [v] cover completely or make imperceptible; "I was drowned in work"; "The noise drowned out her speech"
  4. [v] overcome, as with emotions or perceptual stimuli
that's what im feeling today. and it's not so much overwhelmed by big, life-changing events either (somehow, i do fine with those); it's the little things suddenly attacking you all at once when you're not particularly feeling thick-skinned in the first place.

first, it was the car that refused to start, again... only to find out when the mechanic came to the house to check it that it ran out of gas. (BLUSHHH!!!!)

but then, i reported to him that i found it strange how, when i opened the front cover to refill the radiator water, i saw the carburetor top removed from its place; could it really have just popped out by itself?

it was when he checked it that he found water leaking from some pewter part, which now needed a welding job done. sigh.

***

i thought payday would be today, because of the holy week holidays, but when i checked my account online, the funds hadn't come in yet.

thank God for my brother, T, who quickly just lent me P1500 when i requested for it, no questions asked.

but half the amount quickly went to the mechanic for repairs and more gas, while P250 went to the laudrywoman who came back today for her wages, because i told her to come back monday as my pay might have come by then.

***

i texted my sister if she could pick paolo up when she brought her son, redd, to taekwondo class, as we had no car.

i waited, and waited, and waited. for no reply. :(

waiting for nothing can be stressful too!

when taekwondo class came, i decided to break my nap and take paolo to the mall where the class was held, by taking the tricycle. but then, the two girls wanted to go with us to the mall too, for a break, and i thought id spend my remaining 500 on some nice snacks for them, and treat ourselves to some special ice cream. i thought id do what i can to make my self feel better, at least.

***

at the mall, i saw my sister and she greeted me nonchalantly. which further upset me.

apparently, she never received my message... or received my message only a little later even as we were talking.

she looked more harassed and beseiged than i was feeling, and asked if she could leave her kids with me, so she could go home to sleep.

what else could i say but say yes? she was still my sister after all.

but then, i quickly calculated my remaining budget to treat the kids and i out, and changed my mind. with her kids with us, too, it will either be snacks now, but not the dinner they like later; or no snacks now, but the dinner they like later.

so i spent my remaining 500 shopping for the kids' favorite dinner items.

sigh.

***

while waiting for the boys to finish their taekwondo lessons, and the girls just browsing through the children's book club, i sat in a corner and texted T again if i could borrow another 500 for tomorrow if my pay doesn't come.

it took a loong time for him to reply; he replied only when the kids and i were already home.

so while there, in my corner, anxious and waiting again, i sighed and wept quietly.

***

i wondered if this was just another phase im going into as i go deeper in my meditations. there is also such a thing as "overwhelm" in meditative practice. as one goes deeper, deeper unresolved issues come out for cleansing... and i wondered if this is what is happening to me.

it almost feels like deja vu, a replay of the anxious states id go into because of very tight funds during the early days of the sep. but compared to then, my funds are not so tight now; i have money from several sources coming in-- i just need finetuning with the timing and my budget.

then, too, i remembered my strange dream earlier today.

i was in a chamber, a vault-like small room with an oven in it. i saw money, wads of bills, about to be burned, so i quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket. i felt guilty for stealing it but then, i thought it was better used in my pocket than being burned. then, i saw that along with the money were my things-- my bag, some stuff i usually carry around with me, a pen or two. i let those be burned instead.

in the dream, i went around carrying my wads of money in my pocket but feeling very heavy and very guilty for having stolen it, so i didnt get to spend it either. i was anxious, looking around, afraid that someone might recognize me as the thief and send me to the gallows to be hanged. (archaic terms, but that's how the dream felt like!)

it was only later in the dream, when i was about to wake up, that i realized that the money could have been mine in the first place!!! why else would it be found among my bag and stuff? how could i be a thief when i "stole" my own money??? silly me.

even while ending the dream, i was analyzing already. i remember telling my self to record this all in my blog, to remember all of this for my learning and self-growth. and the two words that remained with me when i woke up were: "heavy". and "guilt".

***

recalling it now, i think that my dream was telling me something about my attitude towards money and abundance... some deeper, inner emotions about money and abundance that need to come up...

i think it was telling me how i am still so closed, so blocked, to receiving my own Abundance.

***

so maybe, yes, today is an "overwhelm" day... because it is caused by an "Overwhelm" day, in the meditative sense of the word.
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