By Desire, Not By Design

looking back at the past four years, i am amazed my self at my own growth. what makes it more special is that i grew in ways that were authentically me, doing things i loved to do.

i seem to have achieved more in terms of personally meaningful accomplishment in my life in the last four years than in the last 30 or so years of consciously planning and intending "goals" i wanted to achieve. come to think of it now, these "goals" were not really mine as they were by the people around me, standards and criteria set by other people of what would make for a successful and happy life.

i look back at the last four years and i smile to my self at the wild rides i've taken. i try to discern a pattern, a formula for what made me get to where i am now, but i see none, except for consistently observing one criteria: following my heart, my pleasures, my truest bliss, instead of following what other people said would be good for me, would work, would make me happy.

maybe that is the key to an authentically joyful and rich life. it may not always be happy; the griefs are too deep to be told. but it will always be rich and meaningful, and you always feel fully human and alive.

how can you not be when you go out in uncharted adventures with only your heart as compass? you stretch all your resources and all your wits about you, just to make it through and come out still being able to look at yourself proudly in the eye!!!

but it is a scary journey, this following your heart. suddenly there are no crutches to fall back on. there are no scripts to follow and no guides to take you by the hand and lead the way. you are finally alone, with your self. just you and you.

you are brought back to your primordial instincts. you develop an inner, clearer and all-seeing eye for both what appears obvious and what lies underneath. you build up a steel will, after finding out that there's nobody else out there you can truly count on, so it's either you break down or break through, on your own, by your own intention. you acquire a sensitivity for timing, for knowing when to let things be, and when to push for fruition, for speaking out, and for saying more by not speaking at all. you discover an almost prophetic knowing, for what comes next, and what must be done, although it is oftentimes a kind of knowing that cannot be put into words.

so life happens, but you are not afraid anymore. you know you can survive it all and even thrive above it all. you know you. you are finally you.

by desire, not by design. you get the kind of life that is truly yours.

would i have had it any other way?

no way, not now. not ever. not anymore.