Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Why Love Is Not Enough, 2

i am reminded of this poem i wrote two months ago here, as i think about my life right now, and the people in my life.

i am reminded too, of this advice from a relationships coach free newsletter i subscribe to: that what makes relationships last are not common backgrounds and even values and attitudes towards life but "the key compatibilities that matter in a relationship are similar intimacy style, similar desire and availability to be in a relationship, and desire for a similar depth of connection."

it goes on to say that (i'm copying most of the article verbatim now): "Consider this. You may go to the same place of worship; both be smart about the same things; have a great way with entertaining; earn, save or spend the same way; and both believe in fidelity and the value of family. And yet, at the same time, you can both be completely miserable with each other, unhappy in your relationship."

"Intimacy style is a set of internal rules of conduct by which a person functions regarding emotional and physical closeness and communication. Note that you can't tell someone's intimacy style for about the first three months of the relationship, unless you know just how to look.

Ability to be in a relationship is the ability, desire and know- how to sustain a relationship. It may seem natural and intuitive, even innate, but it is not. It requires emotional relationship-centered maturity, and that only comes with emotional growth. Being available for a relationship includes the desire or an aversion to closeness, in terms of time, geography, physical contact, and emotional engagement.

Desire for the depth of connection, real intimacy, or lack of it, both physical and emotional is not a given, even if a person is dating to find a relationship, is in a long-term relationship, is married, or even has a family.

If you are in a relationship you value and the two of you are not compatible on these three criteria, you both need to focus on growing yourselves.

If you are compatible with a partner you are drawn and attracted to on these three key compatibility criteria, you have a good chance to be happily in love with each other for a lifetime, almost regardless of whether you are compatible in other areas.

these thoughts come to me as i consider the number of men friends in my life now, whom i respect, care about and adore, some of whom i may even have fallen in love with in the past or are in love with now, who care about me and respect me and adore me in return--yet, why am i not in a mutually agreed-upon long-term committed romantic relationship with any one of them?


remembering the poem and the quotes from the article, now, i see again that it takes more than mutual attraction and even loving feelings to create a longterm and loving relationship, much less sustain one.

i think it boils down to mutual readiness, and mutual availability and desire for a relationship and depth of intimacy.

i'm ready in the sense that i'm open to a romantic relationship and i believe i have the mature relationship skills necessary to create and sustain a loving one (based on the superior quality of other non-romantic relationships i have with people in my life; "everybody loves me!" heehee), i'm emotionally available and soon to be even legally available, and i desire a relationship of depth, even if i'm not so keen yet on a relationship of lifetime length... : )

so maybe the key is to find someone im not only mutually attracted to and have loving feelings for, but who shares my own readiness and desire levels, especially in terms of depth (length can be negotiable heehee).


i am very openly communicative, willing to talk tough issues out fairly and ride tough times out gracefully, would love to be doing lots of things together with my man, am the touchy-feely sort, but who would also like to maintain her own privacy. except for the last quality, which i readily find in most men, the rest seem to be hard to find in men...

somebody openly communicative and in touch with his own feelings, loves to do lots of things together with me, and the touchy-feely sort... WHO IS NOT GAY? : (

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