cat ate my salad

the cat ate my salad. i still can't believe it.

after a long day of working, serving, giving to other people, i was looking forward to this little treat for me... but the cat ate my salad. : (

ive been up since 1 am, working on my presentation on peace journalism and conflict analysis tools, due at 10:30 a.m.

before my talk, i still had to take paolo to his taekwondo lesssons.

the talk was good. i could tell i made the audience think, from the thoughtful, reflective way they looked when i emphasized a point, and the questions they later asked. i ran the whole show from beginning to end. i hope i was able to plant seeds in their minds and hearts for the cause of peace.

the open forum part got so excitingly interactive, we ran overtime and finished at 1pm. they asked me to take my lunch with them and i took a few bites just to oblige.

but then i remembered paolo, who has been off from his taekwondo lessons for an hour already; i imagined him just roaming the mall.

so i rushed to fetch him, and thankfully quickly found him at the toy section, as usual. he looked wan and tired though and i asked if he was hungry. unusually for him he nodded yes, and asked if he could have both a chinese siopao and a hotdog waffle with cheese, plus his favorite orange drink. knowing paolo to be a not-so-enthusiastic eater, he must have been really hungry by this time, and so i bought him all he wanted to eat.

then, we shopped a bit more for some household items and groceries, from the P1500 fee i had just been given for the 2-hour talk.

by 2:30pm when we came home, i was drained but happily so, in a satisfied way, feeling good and thankful for this day, and thinking how all was right with my world again.

i decided to skip a full lunch and go to sleep instead, but already thinking id fix my self a salad from the ingredients paolo and i recently bought at the mall, when i woke up.

people who know me, and who know that i rarely venture out into the kitchen to fix something (well i fixed the salad in the dining area, far from the maid's kitchen... : > ), know how big a deal this was that i decided to fix my self a salad.

i dreamt of that salad.

when i woke up at 5pm i tasted that salad in my lips and tongue.

and so, even as i was still half-awake, i proceeded to the dining area and took out the ingredients and started preparing my salad.

after everything was all in and tossed to my satisfaction, i placed my big bowl of salad on the living room side table even as i turned to the tv to see what was showing.

the little ones were enjoying Mr. Bean's antics and i started to relax at the mindless enjoyment, too.

until i remembered my salad.

by the time i turned back to my salad, the cat was already buried in it, lettuce leaves covering her ears.

...

...

*&^%$#@(*&! : ( : ( : (



oh, life.

okay, but embarassed

im okay again now.

for two days, the kids were absent from school, but so what? they were happy with it, used their time productively and creatively at home, as they usually do, reading, drawing, painting, making crafts out of scrap, playing outside, in addition to tv and video game breaks (yes the tv and video games are the breaks!) : ), so they've always been okay.

when they went back to school, i sent notes to their teachers, trying to be honest but without sounding pathetic-- i just said the children were absent because i was physically incapacitated from bringing them to and from school my self, and there was nobody else who could do it for me. paolo later told me he trashed my note, though, and simply told the teacher: "ma'am, our car broke down and we had very little money left, not enough to go to school on."

i blush more for my cowardice than from my son's candor.

***

things were cleared up with my aunt and her secretary. apparently there was a miscommunication somewhere and the person the secretary instructed to send the funds over on time forgot, thus, the delay.

i blush all the more for my over-reaction and my wilder imaginings.

***

the funds did come in by wednesday, plus my butterfly biz commission, so i got back on track again, paying all my bills plus the car repair bills, and even treating papa and my brother to an oyster lunch, waiving my share of the family photo prize money our aunt gave out last christmas in favor of my sister who needed funds more for her medicines, and treating my self to extra pampering after the tizzy i put my self through for the last few days at this new beauty parlor i tried out (i was feeling confident and adventurous again)-- hair cellophane treatment, hair cut, blow dry, foot spa, pedicure and manicure-- all for a promo package of only P700! : )

still, when i think of my recent tizzy, i blush really crimson for allowing my self to get all so hyped up over only a little delay in receiving 5k. is my spirit too small and weak, it can be upset by only 5k???

blush, blush, blush.

still, i also believe there is a lesson to be learnt from all this, as with all other experiences.

why did i go there again, huh? when i've moved on to better things and am in a good place now, that's what i keep asking my self these days. what did that fluke of an experience try to show me, teach me, about my self?

i have some initial answers in my mind, but they still don't "click" with me in the usual a-ha! way i get when i get answers from my gut. three initial answers are:

1. i needed to grieve that part of my life, that post-sep part. weeks ago, i grieved over the end of my marriage, so it would follow that my grieving would then proceed to going back to the early months after it ended;

2. i needed to be reminded of how vulnerable i still am psychically and mentally, of negativity elsewhere and inside of me, if i don't stay alert and keep focused on what i am about now;

3. with the good i have again now (it always has been there, actually), that experience serves to show me how really foolish and baseless all my fears were and are, how i am really actually so loved and taken care of, i shouldn't even have fretted in the first place...


this third answer comes right in the heels of a wonderful surprise again today. earlier in the day, i sort of gotten anxious a little because the budget i initially set aside for treating my daughter's confirmation sponsors (who are also my closest friends) to a vegan lunch celebration at my sister's cafe was only P500, but which later turned out almost double. still, i set it aside as i went to a talk i was invited to speak at, to pinchhit for a previously invited speaker who did not come. i initially felt obligated and burdened to do this, but since it was for the school paper staff whom i loved and cared about, it was okay in the end.

imagine to my surprise, when, at the end of the talk, the staff presented me with an envelope containing P1500 inside, P500 more than the amount i "lost" at the vegan lunch treat (!). i didnt expect to be paid as i was an in-house speaker; still, they paid me anyway. and tomorrow, they've invited me, too, to another talk, so that would mean another fee!

so im blushing really bad now for all the smallness i showed, when the God/Universe is so good and so loving and provides all our needs and even beyond.

i don't deserve all this loving.

...

... or maybe, that's the fourth answer huh?


it just occurred to me-- that maybe my recent tizzy also showed me too the error thoughts i still have about money and abundance, about being well provided for and taken care of, of my "worthiness" of all the Good there is out there desiring to give to me!

hmmmm.... maybe so.

i've been working seriously on my meditations lately, and it must be just part of the entire emotional cleansing and thought-clearing phase, too...

hmmm.

still, i blush.

i know i am bigger than experiences like these, and yet, when the test came, all i showed was my smallness, getting upset over small things.

i don't want to be this small again.

forgive me, God/Universe?

i want to rise up again to my God-dessness now. : )

please help me not ever forget that ever, again.

little Angels

my heart feels raw from crying for most of the day, my chest even feels sore, racked. but i kept on doing paperwork anyway and never letting the kids see how down ive been feeling. from time to time, i would take a break and rest and sob in bed, still awash in my feelings of failure and ineptness at taking care of my own (pls. see post below)...

but tonight, while working here on the pc, with thea on the other end working on the laptop, and the two of us listening to the little ones play a war game with paolo's toy soldiers on the floor, we heard food-lover bea stopping paolo in the middle of the war, saying--

ding, ding, ding, ding!!!
Lunchtime!!!

we all burst out laughing while bea, looking a bit hurt and confused, innocently protested, "but ive got to feed my soldiers, too!"

NWObserver was right (pls. see comment on post below); wonderful things happen when the kids are at home.

and they will only start being absent tomorrow yet. : )

square one

i am feeling like i am back to square one, with nothing to show for it.

the car trouble has wiped my savings out, and wrecked my food and household budget for the coming week.

the consultancy fee i was counting on to be sent to me last 15th yet, hadn't come, because my aunt's administrative officer, E, who is really her hands-on manager in her export business where i am doing a series of writing projects for, failed to send the fee over. i tried to contact her then but there was no response. i am sensing growing resentment, if not hostility, from her, for my aunt's bringing me in into their business (actually specifically to be "eyes and ears", as my aunt called it), because maybe i am more an intrusion than a welcome addition, and my as- yet-unsubmitted stories makes it appear that im just receiving my fees for nothing.

well, she doesn't know half of what my aunt and i discussed-- that i could take as long as i like--and what writing entails: this is a series of 6 to 7 thousand-word-plus stories on their individual suppliers that also needs to be closely tied up together with a running theme emphasizing a main marketing concept. for a single story elsewhere, i usually take 3 weeks to a month. and for the number of stories this is going to be, they are actually getting a bargain from my monthly fee.

well, anyway, i just emailed her letting her know nicely how upset i am over the delay, and her keeping me in the dark about the status of the funds transfer by her ignoring my communication. when all else is lost, i still have my pride.

still, i can't help crying.

i thought id long moved on, celebrating my good and the measure of financial stability i have now in my life, ... but this experience just shows me how vulnerable i still am.

last night, i called the kids to a meeting, telling them our funds status, and that for as long as the car stays at the mechanic's, we can't afford the daily back and forth taxis as well as their lunch meal allowance, too, so my decision is for them to just be absent from school for a while, until we get our car back and the funds from my mom's butterfly biz comes in next week (i hope E doesn't keep me hanging on this, too, as this is my mom's and uncle's separate business with me).

of course the kids were happy. we used to do this before, a lot of times, during the early months of the sep.

but i weep in sadness and frustration. i see what this means, how helpless i still can be when i thought ive already stood up on my own two feet, taking care of them and me, without having to still depend on other people for doleouts or loans.

i work so hard, packing 48, 72 hours worth of work in into a 24 hour day, usually just getting by on 3 hours' sleep (no wonder ive been feeling burnt out lately and gobbling on sleep any chance i get!!!), and working on so many things at almost the same time, just to be able to stand on my own two feet with honest pride, and now... this.

i look at my other Pollyana-ish posts here and in my other blogs, especially in Magical Mind, and im thinking now that they are all just plain crap, that's it's no use keeping my chin up cheerfully and lovingly, when life is really just crap.

upping the ante

there's a good purpose to my car's constantly breaking down these past few days. somehow, papa has learned of it and has offered, through my brother, to buy me a new secondhand but newer edition car.

expectedly, though, given papa's Scroogey ways, he has set his budget at only 100k.

a door is opening to manifest my desires for a new family car for the kids and i. but i originally wanted a family van-type vehicle, specifically the Toyota Innova. and it costs 1M. : )

should i settle for less and take what's offered by papa, or should i just continue manifesting for what i truly desire?

i think i'll continue manifesting, even if i open my self up to papa's offer by exploring what's available out there, given his budget...

or what else is the Mind good for if we only settle for less? : )

a woman's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a Heaven for?

Burnout

i was searching for "tired uterus" in Google search, Yahoo search, and even Yahoo Answers, but i never got the answers that resonated with me... until i clicked a link to "burnout".

this made me break out in tears in clear recognition--

Burnout happens when people who have previously been highly committed to a job lose all interest and motivation. Sadly, this can spell the end of a successful career.

It mainly strikes highly-committed, passionate, hard working and successful people – and it therefore holds a special fear for those who care passionately about their careers and about the work they do.

... The real damage of burnout comes from the sense of deep disillusionment that lies at its heart.

Many of us get our sense of identity and meaning from our work. We may have started our careers with high ideals or high ambitions and may have followed these with passion.

This is easy to see in doctors and teachers, who may have a strong desire to help other people to be the best that they can be. Good lawyers may have a passion for justice. Others may be ambitious for promotion or may want to “make a difference” to people or organizations in some other way. In all of these cases, these ideals can drive a highly motivated, passionate approach to work.

...

It is not surprising that people showing this level of resilience and commitment to their work are often spectacularly successful.

The problem comes when things become too much. Perhaps exhaustion sets in because people have been working too hard for too long. Perhaps performance begins to slip because of this. Perhaps the problem being solved is too great, and the resources available are too meager. Perhaps supportive mentors move on and are replaced by people who do not appreciate the heroic job that is being done, or do not subscribe to the ideals that drive performance. Perhaps co-workers or team members make just too many emotional demands, or people being served prove to be ungrateful and difficult.

Being proactive, energetic, committed people, it is likely that we respond to obstacles like these by increasing our commitment and hard work. However, in these circumstances it is possible that these efforts may have little or no impact on the situation.

This can be where burnout begins to set in. As we get less satisfaction from our jobs, the downsides of these jobs become more troublesome. As we get more tired, we have less energy to give. If our organizations fail to support us, we can get increasingly disenchanted with them. We become increasingly disillusioned.

In extreme cases, we can lose faith completely in what we are doing, and what our organizations are doing, becoming cynical and embittered, and feeling that our ideals and meanings in life count for nothing.

This is full-scale burnout.

tired uterus

why am i suddenly so tired these days?

my body seems to be transforming-- i notice a change in taste to more vegetables and fruits, and lots and lots of water. then, too, there's the deep craving for sleep.

the things and tasks which used to consume me with passion and intense concentration-- my readings, studies, teaching, even my freelance non-creative writing, all seem like a burden and a chore to me now. i can only work in two to three-hour spurts now, and then i stop for a long time, and then work again... and i have to drag my self to work on them again...

all i want to do is sleep, and stay at home, and eat vegetables and fruits and drink lots of water, and blog or write in my journal, and then sleep some more.

if i had an active sex life i would think im pregnant!!!

(but then again, maybe i am indeed pregnant in other levels, gestating other possibilities, and my body is reacting as if i were indeed physically pregnant.. hmmmm...)

*****

i'm fighting and struggling so hard from bashing my self these days, for slacking off, for so many things still left undone.

i have to keep reminding my self my New Year's Resolutions for 2006:

1. to take extremely good and loving care of my self in all ways;
2. to discipline my mind and will to focus only on what i want to manifest in my life.

Revised Rules of Engagement

after a series of 3 or 4 minor skirmishes here at home last week, and subsequent consultations with the parties concerned, coming to a mutual agreement at last, we have revised our policies for our happy home, added two more "rules", printed it out yesterday, and posted it on our family bulletin board where everybody can see it at all times of the day, with an enthusiastic hand-clapping ceremony from all parties concerned, as thus--

For Our Happy Home

1. Be honest.
2. Be kind.
3. Speak gently.
4. Clean up your own mess.

and this is so.

: ) : ) : )

sister, again

i went there again today just to see how she's doing... and to sample a new buffet of vegan food, too (as a regularly paying customer, of course).

but before that, i used her text message to me of the detailed menu for today to forward to all the Bacolod-based people in my cellphone book again.

wowwww... was i pleasantly surprised when i went in at 1pm after my exams.

the place was comfortably full! and i saw at leazt 5 faces of people i texted earlier already there, going for their seconds or thirds! : D

when i went to the buffet table, the serving dishes were almost empty; i had just arrived in time to get my fill too.

my sister was surprised at the turnout too, and she asked me what i did.

i had to run her through all the 4 basic steps quickly-- know what you want, get clear, stay in joy and let go-- that i've learned for my self so far, after a lot of readings and researches on my own since middle of last year. : )

well, quickly, because people kept wanting her to ask her about things, and her phone never stopped ringing too!

woowwwww.... this manifesting stuff never fails to amaze me still every time it works.

hmmm... i know i ought to be checking on my own manifestations... but i know too that once one has let go, to never keep checking to see how it's going. that's like rushing a flower to bloom, pestering and interfering, instead of truly letting go....

no, i won't check. : )

it will come.

they will come, i mean.

today is one more proof of that certainty.

thank you God!!!

***

sister asked me to manifest for a really big commercial cake and vegetable chiller this time.

her wish is my command. (wink, wink! ;> )

sister

im doing great these days (an update on that later), but my sister is not.

i visited her at their newly-opened cafe today, to be one of their first customers. i was all excited and upbeat, even texting friends in my cellphone book who happen to be based in our city and announcing to them her daily lunch buffet of vegan treats for only P90.00, eat all you can!

she sat at my table, with the kids, but she was picking on her food and eating listlessly. well, there were not many customers yet, actually just me and her mother-in-law, but my thinking was-- what do you expect from a first day opertion? she smiled at me when i grew all excited about where we could place flyers-- mainly i told her it should be in allied businesses dealing with health: gyms, beauty parlors, spas, even doctors' clinics and hospital waiting rooms, and, come Lent, outside churches too! she says she should hire me as marketing consultant; i said ive already hired my self for her, for free. : )

but she still seemed wan and sad.

i couldn't delve into more with her, with the young kids around.

but i just decided-- id include her in my meditations and affirmations, too, visualizing people getting out of their cars and excitedly flocking to her cafe and scraping the buffet trays clean, while she and her husband happily and busily run around attending to customers, along with their staff, and the cash register keeps on ringing happily!!! : D

ive turned my life around mainly with this little secret... : ) : ) : )

i think it's time to more consciously spread the magic around.

God bless my sister and her husband and their kids and their new cafe!!!

So Much Going On

my cousin lee hua (alona) finally IMs me to ask why ive been so quiet lately; and another blogger friend asked the same thing too.

well, the short answer is-- im busy. (aren't we all? : >) i want to finish all backlog and work and writing projects before i turn 38 (feb. 29... er.... well, this year, i will have to borrow either feb. 28 or march 1), so i can clear space and energies in my life for my 38th year.

and the long answer is-- there's just so much going on in my life right now, all good and happy things, that i can't even sit still long enough to think about them and write about them without sounding like i'm bragging, or crazy.

there's so much growing, too, and so much new information im learning, at all levels but most especially in the level of the mind and consciousness and being, and im just having a ball keeping up!

i'll make it up to you somehow, soon or late, cousin lee! promise.

and thanks, so many thanks... for so many things.

Moving On

hmmm... it is eerie how the answers are coming to me so fast now.

i just got this link from an email, and this is what i've been trying to explain to my self these days, how im feeling so out of the world, yet so centered and so in place now...

'fits in too with my very recent experiences...

Life 101

i came home with the kids early, and we all settled into winding down and relaxing our selves.

i went straight to the shower, took off my contacts, and changed into my favorite nightie without the underwear get-up. yes, at 4 p.m. : )

as i sat there on the bed, toweling my self, i was struck by a strange moment of calm recognition--

this is my life now, and it is good.

...

heck, for all the wild rides ive taken, it has turned out good!

my time is more my own now, the kids and i are healthy and safe and have enough for our needs, and we're thriving as we flex all our spiritual, mental, emotional and physical muscles just growing and blossoming forth every day, as we were always meant to be.

even since i re-started my Manifesting studies and Silva meditations, too, i've found that i am more ... centered... calmer.... less vulnerable to negativity, whether from others or from my own self-talk.

for the first time in my life, i can confidently say-- i have no problems!

(knock on wood!) heehee... just to be sure.

ooh wow.

and then a little sneaky thought reminded me of how i was even just a year before, so stressed, so close to burn-out. how dare i can be so different now?! how dare i?!!!

...

and then i started getting depressed that i am not depressed right now. : ( figure that one out.

look what crazy havoc one sneaky discouraging thought can do.

i actually started feeling down, questionning my own present state of calm and contentment and joy now!!!

ooh wow, where did that psychic whack come from???

...

but, the Universe is good.

as i sat down to open my emails, i received another forward from a long-ago friend whom i just recently actually thought of blocking because of the many cheesy forwards she sends, but this time, while reading her forwarded email, i felt like it was the Universe sitting me down and talking to me, reminding me of where i'm at --

A Most Wonderful day to you !
 
Albert Einstein once said, "Everyone has two choices.
We're either full of love,  or full of fear." 

This could not be more true. Look around you. I bet
you can determine whether someone is filled with love
or fear in a matter of seconds. People who are filled
with love (or at least getting there!) are optimistic, 
excited, helping, listening, cheering go-getters it
shows on their face, in their spirit and seems to
refresh everyone they meet. Those filled with fear
are paranoid, pessimistic, envious, demanding,
overbearing downers and it shows on their face, in
their spirit and seems to suck the life out of everyone
they meet. 

Which one are you? Are you filled with fear or love?
Or are you a combination of the two? Which one do you
want to be?

That's a silly question. You want to be full of love.
So, why aren't we all full of love for everyone, including
ourselves? 

Maybe it's just easier. You don't have to put forth much
of an effort to be a pessimist. Heck, the world seems to
be geared toward SATISFYING pessimists. Just listen to
the nightly news or read the morning paper. Nothing but
bad news and more bad news!

But I'm here to tell you ­ that's no excuse.  If you want
something, you have to work for it. Creating a positive
attitude based in love takes work ­ especially when almost
everyone around you is  telling you, "Why bother? The
sky is just going to fall in anyway."

Let them talk. Their negative Chicken Little belongs to
them. Not you. Change your attitude, and your outlook
changes with it. This, in turn, will change your life
and change your results.Period. 

It just takes consistent and conscious effort to stay
in that place of warmth and positivity. 

The opinions or negativity of other people do not have
to become your reality. You determine whether you allow
that to happen. It all starts in your mind.  You need to
have a strong self-image and belief system within you
an impenetrable core based on a positive, optimistic,
anything-is-possible mindset ­ so that when those negative
folks start jabbering, you can sit quietly within yourself
and know who you are. 

When you're trying to be more optimistic and filled with
love, you can TRY to avoid those people who bring others down,
draining the very life-blood of hope and possibility, but . . .
unfortunately, this avoidance tactic rarely works.

They will find you! Once you have embraced a positive,
energy-filled, think-out-of-the-box, the-sky-is-not-the-limit
mindset, these people are somehow automatically drawn to you,
like bees to honey. 

Don't worry. It's just a test. The Universe wants to know if
you're serious about your new way of living. Don't be afraid
of the test; ­ just look these people  square in the eye with
love and joy, and sit there within yourself knowing that 
they sadly just ­ don't  get it

They don't understand that life wants them to be successful
and receive abundance. They believe that everything is a
struggle and there is only a limited supply that 
everyone must fight for. They don't get it, and they won't
get you. They may even challenge the new you. 

This hardly gives you the permission to look down on these
people, or think snidely of them in any way, shape or form.
You're not better than they are. You may be more consciously
aware and living in more abundance and gratitude, but that
doesn't make you better than them. Understand that these
people are suffering. 

They are suffering from lack -- ­ lack of self-esteem,
lack of energy, lack of love.  You don't have to explain
your new attitude;­ they will sense it immediately.  That's
what has drawn them to you in the first place. Your new self
is now radiating energy out and attracting people to you. 

At the same time, their being drawn to you, does not mean
that you should spend all of your energy trying to change
them. In  many cases, your kind- hearted efforts will
deplete your energy levels. The best way you can help these
people is to be an example of what can happen when your
mindset is based in love and positivity. 

"Great people choose to be greater than their problems.
You have that potential too." 
- Mark Victor Hansen


***

yeah, it must have been some psychic whack indeed.

but i think it came from some old part of me, who still can't get
over the fact that i've moved on, and have chosen to be a master
of my mind and my fate, instead of a victim.

i lay that suffering part of me to rest now.