Sunday, February 19, 2006

square one

i am feeling like i am back to square one, with nothing to show for it.

the car trouble has wiped my savings out, and wrecked my food and household budget for the coming week.

the consultancy fee i was counting on to be sent to me last 15th yet, hadn't come, because my aunt's administrative officer, E, who is really her hands-on manager in her export business where i am doing a series of writing projects for, failed to send the fee over. i tried to contact her then but there was no response. i am sensing growing resentment, if not hostility, from her, for my aunt's bringing me in into their business (actually specifically to be "eyes and ears", as my aunt called it), because maybe i am more an intrusion than a welcome addition, and my as- yet-unsubmitted stories makes it appear that im just receiving my fees for nothing.

well, she doesn't know half of what my aunt and i discussed-- that i could take as long as i like--and what writing entails: this is a series of 6 to 7 thousand-word-plus stories on their individual suppliers that also needs to be closely tied up together with a running theme emphasizing a main marketing concept. for a single story elsewhere, i usually take 3 weeks to a month. and for the number of stories this is going to be, they are actually getting a bargain from my monthly fee.

well, anyway, i just emailed her letting her know nicely how upset i am over the delay, and her keeping me in the dark about the status of the funds transfer by her ignoring my communication. when all else is lost, i still have my pride.

still, i can't help crying.

i thought id long moved on, celebrating my good and the measure of financial stability i have now in my life, ... but this experience just shows me how vulnerable i still am.

last night, i called the kids to a meeting, telling them our funds status, and that for as long as the car stays at the mechanic's, we can't afford the daily back and forth taxis as well as their lunch meal allowance, too, so my decision is for them to just be absent from school for a while, until we get our car back and the funds from my mom's butterfly biz comes in next week (i hope E doesn't keep me hanging on this, too, as this is my mom's and uncle's separate business with me).

of course the kids were happy. we used to do this before, a lot of times, during the early months of the sep.

but i weep in sadness and frustration. i see what this means, how helpless i still can be when i thought ive already stood up on my own two feet, taking care of them and me, without having to still depend on other people for doleouts or loans.

i work so hard, packing 48, 72 hours worth of work in into a 24 hour day, usually just getting by on 3 hours' sleep (no wonder ive been feeling burnt out lately and gobbling on sleep any chance i get!!!), and working on so many things at almost the same time, just to be able to stand on my own two feet with honest pride, and now... this.

i look at my other Pollyana-ish posts here and in my other blogs, especially in Magical Mind, and im thinking now that they are all just plain crap, that's it's no use keeping my chin up cheerfully and lovingly, when life is really just crap.
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