the very few family and friends who know where i've been the past week and have access to my blogs are suddenly all over me with concern and dismay, especially after reading my last three blogs here.
thank you, thank you, thank you!!! family and friends, I AM FINE.
i am a woman of intellect but also a woman of passion, a woman of sensibility but also a woman of crazy wicked schemes.
i chose the experience to acknowledge a deep need, i went through it, and i am fine, although with a few brambles snagged in my messed up hair, some scratches on my arm and leg, little smudges of dirt on my nose and chin, but GRINNING again now, for having had the adventure at least, and some more life lessons and even two new poems gained from it.
besides, nothing beats the thrilling whooooooshh of energies i have now for my life, getting back to the old chores with new vigor and looking forward to the year ahead with renewed enthusiasm.
somehow, in the end, my adventurous "vacation", did me good: the burnout days are suddenly over!
i don't regret it at all, and i'd do it again. only this time, i'd be clearer about what i wanted and needed too, aside from just "the fun".
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
It Was Clear Enough
it was clear enough
what you were
trying to tell me--
one woman's christmas cards to you
by the sink
and on the wall
another woman's red-hot painting
of her passions for you
unleashed
by the window sill
and yet another woman's face
on your mobile phone--
we are just friends.
still they taunted me
as i tried
to love you
with my body
and haunted me
as i tried
to fall asleep
in your arms.
what you were
trying to tell me--
one woman's christmas cards to you
by the sink
and on the wall
another woman's red-hot painting
of her passions for you
unleashed
by the window sill
and yet another woman's face
on your mobile phone--
we are just friends.
still they taunted me
as i tried
to love you
with my body
and haunted me
as i tried
to fall asleep
in your arms.
Dear Heart
must you need
to be told again
and again
a lesson
you have long ago
learned?
play with fire.
you get burned.
others can play;
they know how
to keep their hearts
out of it.
you can not.
you never can.
play with fire.
you get burned.
you think
you just love him
with your body,
but heart
comes along
still.
play with fire.
you get burned.
must you need
to be told again
and again
a lesson
you have long ago
learned?
play with fire.
you get burned.
to be told again
and again
a lesson
you have long ago
learned?
play with fire.
you get burned.
others can play;
they know how
to keep their hearts
out of it.
you can not.
you never can.
play with fire.
you get burned.
you think
you just love him
with your body,
but heart
comes along
still.
play with fire.
you get burned.
must you need
to be told again
and again
a lesson
you have long ago
learned?
play with fire.
you get burned.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
random thoughts -- talking to my self
i am at this world-famous beach off Panay Island, at the invitation and good graces of a friend, who quickly saw through my need for a break at the time we met. it's what my friend calls "quality time for my self", and i am grateful and thankful for this mini-sabbatical.
but after 2 days here, i think i am going crazy.
first afternoon of my stay, i walked on the beach to the farthest northern end, and walked back again to meet my friend for drinks and light dinner. it was good and relaxing and calming, to finally be able to get away from it all, even for just a little while, and just enjoy my self.
the next morning, it actually jarred me to realize that for the next two days, i am only responsible to my self and my pleasures, and the only decisions i have to make was what i was going to do next, whether to eat or not, what to eat, when, do i feel like falling asleep? here on the sand, or over there on the plastic lounge chairs?
suddenly life has been reduced to its simplest needs and the most basic of decisions have also become the most monumental, as there are no other decisions to make.
i think i had a productive day yesterday, though. this time, i walked to the farthest southern end and back to the middle, near my friend's shop, and where my favotite lounging spot is, under a small coconut tree, sitting or lying on plastic lounge chairs, shaded from the sun, and where i could watch people pass by, swim or just generally do what people on beaches do.
i had a body massage done right there on the sand, too, even as i chatted with some women who sat near where i was. also, i read halfway through my PhD course's assigned novel so i felt like i accomplished something as this assignment is one month overdue, after all. then, in the evening, i had a relaxing dinner and conversation with my friend again.
it bothered me, though, what my friend said about me, how i seem to be like somebody who wont just live life as it comes, that i let an experience happen with set rules in my head, thus the experience is not experienced fully. i was confused because i've always thought i was the most open and liberal person there is around, but hearing me described that way makes me feel like im some kind of a standoffish prude or a closedminded, uptight bitch...
i told my friend that's the first time i've heard my self described that way, and to his credit he says it's just an impression he has of me. but it still bothers me.
if there are set rules in my head, they are very few, actually just one or two. it's always been just honesty and kindness, and maybe, well, the more natural things come, the better for me because it's a lifestyle philosophy.
from where i come from, experiencing life being totally open, without preconceived "rules" (boundaries, as i see them) is like willing one's self to the wind, to be taken wherever the wind wills to blow, and risking flying splat into some glass windowpane when i could have checked my journey out first and prepared accordingly.
maybe in a way, my friend is correct in that observation. i did go about my first day "planning" things still, and not feeling like it was productive until i felt that i "accomplished" something, even if the goal was only as simple as to get to one end of the beach and back, and to start reading my PhD novel assignment.
but i still don't see how that is wrong. i have come far in my life and in my growth precisely because i lived my life that way-- anticipating new challenges, studying them, preparing for them, and when the challenge comes, cresting the wave exhiliratingly and confidently because i was prepared in the first place.
from his perspective, though, i think i can begin to appreciate why he thinks i need "improvement" in this area. he seems to have lived his life as the wind blew him, and he seems content and is his own person, with no bother or care in the world.
in fact, that quietly impressed me-- how, in the midst of the sturm and drang of my life, here is this person so centered, living his life at the core, with equananimity and grace. in this sense, his presence and friendship is a healing thing for me. because here is this one person who seems not to need anything from me, who doesn't expect me to give anything to him, at THIS exhausting time in my life when i am burnt out from too much giving.
but i am saddened that in this one sense, he seems to think that my being who i am is "wrong" somehow, that i need to see things his way to be "right" in his eyes. and that bothers me a lot.
i probably need to talk some more about this with him, when the opportunity comes.
*****
then, too, it's all these people-watching that's getting to me.
there are a number of filipino tourists here, mostly families or couples on vacations, but the most conspicuous thing here are the foreigners, especially the foreign men with filipina women, most especially OLD foreign men and YOUNG filipina women.
these couples walk around as if they were lovers, when one gets a sense that they're not. who's kidding whom? one gets that sense.
and then again, it makes me feel lonelier than ever. at least, even for just "pretend love", they get to walk around, walk on the beach, and hold each other's hand.
earlier this morning, i saw a young Korean couple having a good time at the beach, swimming and kissing and making out, and another mixed odd couple (old foreigner, young filipina again) splashing around in the water and embracing each other.
looking at them from where i was, i just felt so detached and weary, like an alien observer from outer space, watching these people and recording what they do in my mind. it all seems like a kind of life far removed from mine. for a brief moment, i wondered if i will ever have that kind of loving again.
*****
i am going crazy on this second day here, because it is just me and my thoughts; i only get to talk to my friend once he gets off from work-- and there is no paper and pen in sight!!!
i walked around, through all of the shops, from one end to the other, asking if they had paper and pen for sale-- but NADA!!!
oh, god. this is killing me. i should have taken my diary with me.
so that's why i finally gave in to going to an internet cafe here (i thought i'd forget about my old life for a while, while i'm here, and not even go on the net to check my emails and surf my usual haunts...), and writing on this blog.
: (
but after 2 days here, i think i am going crazy.
first afternoon of my stay, i walked on the beach to the farthest northern end, and walked back again to meet my friend for drinks and light dinner. it was good and relaxing and calming, to finally be able to get away from it all, even for just a little while, and just enjoy my self.
the next morning, it actually jarred me to realize that for the next two days, i am only responsible to my self and my pleasures, and the only decisions i have to make was what i was going to do next, whether to eat or not, what to eat, when, do i feel like falling asleep? here on the sand, or over there on the plastic lounge chairs?
suddenly life has been reduced to its simplest needs and the most basic of decisions have also become the most monumental, as there are no other decisions to make.
i think i had a productive day yesterday, though. this time, i walked to the farthest southern end and back to the middle, near my friend's shop, and where my favotite lounging spot is, under a small coconut tree, sitting or lying on plastic lounge chairs, shaded from the sun, and where i could watch people pass by, swim or just generally do what people on beaches do.
i had a body massage done right there on the sand, too, even as i chatted with some women who sat near where i was. also, i read halfway through my PhD course's assigned novel so i felt like i accomplished something as this assignment is one month overdue, after all. then, in the evening, i had a relaxing dinner and conversation with my friend again.
it bothered me, though, what my friend said about me, how i seem to be like somebody who wont just live life as it comes, that i let an experience happen with set rules in my head, thus the experience is not experienced fully. i was confused because i've always thought i was the most open and liberal person there is around, but hearing me described that way makes me feel like im some kind of a standoffish prude or a closedminded, uptight bitch...
i told my friend that's the first time i've heard my self described that way, and to his credit he says it's just an impression he has of me. but it still bothers me.
if there are set rules in my head, they are very few, actually just one or two. it's always been just honesty and kindness, and maybe, well, the more natural things come, the better for me because it's a lifestyle philosophy.
from where i come from, experiencing life being totally open, without preconceived "rules" (boundaries, as i see them) is like willing one's self to the wind, to be taken wherever the wind wills to blow, and risking flying splat into some glass windowpane when i could have checked my journey out first and prepared accordingly.
maybe in a way, my friend is correct in that observation. i did go about my first day "planning" things still, and not feeling like it was productive until i felt that i "accomplished" something, even if the goal was only as simple as to get to one end of the beach and back, and to start reading my PhD novel assignment.
but i still don't see how that is wrong. i have come far in my life and in my growth precisely because i lived my life that way-- anticipating new challenges, studying them, preparing for them, and when the challenge comes, cresting the wave exhiliratingly and confidently because i was prepared in the first place.
from his perspective, though, i think i can begin to appreciate why he thinks i need "improvement" in this area. he seems to have lived his life as the wind blew him, and he seems content and is his own person, with no bother or care in the world.
in fact, that quietly impressed me-- how, in the midst of the sturm and drang of my life, here is this person so centered, living his life at the core, with equananimity and grace. in this sense, his presence and friendship is a healing thing for me. because here is this one person who seems not to need anything from me, who doesn't expect me to give anything to him, at THIS exhausting time in my life when i am burnt out from too much giving.
but i am saddened that in this one sense, he seems to think that my being who i am is "wrong" somehow, that i need to see things his way to be "right" in his eyes. and that bothers me a lot.
i probably need to talk some more about this with him, when the opportunity comes.
*****
then, too, it's all these people-watching that's getting to me.
there are a number of filipino tourists here, mostly families or couples on vacations, but the most conspicuous thing here are the foreigners, especially the foreign men with filipina women, most especially OLD foreign men and YOUNG filipina women.
these couples walk around as if they were lovers, when one gets a sense that they're not. who's kidding whom? one gets that sense.
and then again, it makes me feel lonelier than ever. at least, even for just "pretend love", they get to walk around, walk on the beach, and hold each other's hand.
earlier this morning, i saw a young Korean couple having a good time at the beach, swimming and kissing and making out, and another mixed odd couple (old foreigner, young filipina again) splashing around in the water and embracing each other.
looking at them from where i was, i just felt so detached and weary, like an alien observer from outer space, watching these people and recording what they do in my mind. it all seems like a kind of life far removed from mine. for a brief moment, i wondered if i will ever have that kind of loving again.
*****
i am going crazy on this second day here, because it is just me and my thoughts; i only get to talk to my friend once he gets off from work-- and there is no paper and pen in sight!!!
i walked around, through all of the shops, from one end to the other, asking if they had paper and pen for sale-- but NADA!!!
oh, god. this is killing me. i should have taken my diary with me.
so that's why i finally gave in to going to an internet cafe here (i thought i'd forget about my old life for a while, while i'm here, and not even go on the net to check my emails and surf my usual haunts...), and writing on this blog.
: (
Friday, January 21, 2005
new shoots, new paths
leaving the past behind,
shedding old skin
while waiting
for new
anything
is possible.
suddenly
old passions
are rekindled--
books,
words,
writing,
travel,
classical music
and jazz,
watching films again,
free unstructured time by my self,
enjoying my children,
long walks,
Nature trips,
pasta,
salads,
rich coffee,
art,
paintings,
pictures,
deer,
horses,
tigers and leopards...
as i reach out
for new desires--
the possibilities of
learning how to dive,
belly dance,
SQL,
e-marketing,
travel writing;
and rediscovering
the giving
and receiving
of good, pleasurable loving
without the guilt
and baggage
of shoulds
and should nots.
just being
and becoming
me,
and more of me,
at last.
shedding old skin
while waiting
for new
anything
is possible.
suddenly
old passions
are rekindled--
books,
words,
writing,
travel,
classical music
and jazz,
watching films again,
free unstructured time by my self,
enjoying my children,
long walks,
Nature trips,
pasta,
salads,
rich coffee,
art,
paintings,
pictures,
deer,
horses,
tigers and leopards...
as i reach out
for new desires--
the possibilities of
learning how to dive,
belly dance,
SQL,
e-marketing,
travel writing;
and rediscovering
the giving
and receiving
of good, pleasurable loving
without the guilt
and baggage
of shoulds
and should nots.
just being
and becoming
me,
and more of me,
at last.
Paolo
just before falling off to sleep last night, he said a very strange thing out of the blue (we were talking about buying him a play scientist set with all those chemicals and potions to mix next Christmas):
"mama, i don't care about money."
i responded, " uh-huh... what do you care about then?"
"my heart."
*****
a few moments later, he sleepily asked again, "mama, can i just give my money away to anybody when i have lots?" (he saves his allowances, even at 6 years old!)
and i said, "of course you can. just make sure you give them to people who will use them for good things."
and he said, "i save my money. is that a good thing?"
and i said, "yes. you will be rich someday, for sure."
and he asked, "how do you know?"
and i said, "because i've read that people who become rich and stay rich are the ones who save."
with that, he hugged me tight and fell asleep.
"mama, i don't care about money."
i responded, " uh-huh... what do you care about then?"
"my heart."
*****
a few moments later, he sleepily asked again, "mama, can i just give my money away to anybody when i have lots?" (he saves his allowances, even at 6 years old!)
and i said, "of course you can. just make sure you give them to people who will use them for good things."
and he said, "i save my money. is that a good thing?"
and i said, "yes. you will be rich someday, for sure."
and he asked, "how do you know?"
and i said, "because i've read that people who become rich and stay rich are the ones who save."
with that, he hugged me tight and fell asleep.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
The Cost of Children
This has been making the rounds as a forwarded email in the Net. I don't know who the author of this piece is, and I wish I knew so he/she can be properly acknowledged. It lists all the reasons why, if I had to go back in time and re-do my life all over again, I'd still take the paths I chose...
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."
Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles ... under the covers from the other room every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek and catch lightning bugs.
You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree and, if you're lucky, a long list of limbs from your your branch called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down.
It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."
Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles ... under the covers from the other room every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek and catch lightning bugs.
You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree and, if you're lucky, a long list of limbs from your your branch called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.
You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
My Pride and Joy, 1
this is my only son, paolo, 6.
when he was 3 he said that when he'd grow up he would invent a sweet tasting medicine that all children can drink happily, so they would get cured of all their diseases.
lately, after watching the tsunami news on tv, he said he'd invent a "tsunami super cleaner". when i asked him what it'd do, he said the tsunami would be like a tsunami too, only it would sweep away and clean up all the garbage a tsunami leaves behind. and after it's done, he'd open his magic bottle and his tsunami super cleaner will just whoooosh right into the bottle. and he would then cover it with a bottle cap and keep it until the next tsunami comes along. : )
oh, did i mention that paolo wants to be a scientist someday?
My Pride and Joy, 2
little witches hamming it up.
that's my eldest, Thea, who turns 12 tomorrow (Jan. 16), and my youngest, Bea, 4.
Thea wants to be a computer animation artist and work for Disney (as well as sing the lead in those Disney soundtracks as well), Bea just wants to be a superstar! : )
Friday, January 14, 2005
Small Minds
i am not good at--
clocking hours
showing up
just to be seen
but not heard;
sitting at my desk
twiddling my fingers
just to sign papers
and enforce rules
for enforcing rules' sake
even if it means
getting in the way
of getting things done;
attending
numbing "meetings"
the discussions of which
could be best appreciated
by reading their minutes;
sprinkling spicier chitchat
to already incendiary gossip,
kissing asses
and wiping them too.
i am smart enough
to recognize that
after four years
of trying to improve things
but getting blocked
every step of the way.
i've made meaningful headway
but i cannot stay
all the way.
so i want out
to move on.
but they act as if
i am being stupid,
for letting go
of a position
they'd fight to death
to keep.
they advise: "if onlys--"
i clock my hours
efficiently,
show up
just to show up,
follow the rules
to the letter
no questions asked,
focus on papers and reports
and not give people
more attention
than they deserve
(huh? aren't we in SERVICE?)--
i'd be fine!
a mindless
soul-less
kind of fine
that is.
clocking hours
showing up
just to be seen
but not heard;
sitting at my desk
twiddling my fingers
just to sign papers
and enforce rules
for enforcing rules' sake
even if it means
getting in the way
of getting things done;
attending
numbing "meetings"
the discussions of which
could be best appreciated
by reading their minutes;
sprinkling spicier chitchat
to already incendiary gossip,
kissing asses
and wiping them too.
i am smart enough
to recognize that
after four years
of trying to improve things
but getting blocked
every step of the way.
i've made meaningful headway
but i cannot stay
all the way.
so i want out
to move on.
but they act as if
i am being stupid,
for letting go
of a position
they'd fight to death
to keep.
they advise: "if onlys--"
i clock my hours
efficiently,
show up
just to show up,
follow the rules
to the letter
no questions asked,
focus on papers and reports
and not give people
more attention
than they deserve
(huh? aren't we in SERVICE?)--
i'd be fine!
a mindless
soul-less
kind of fine
that is.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Rebound
i am feeling much better now. tim's and kolzen's friendly comments helped; it's nice to know someone at least knows what you're going through and commiserates, in their own way. :) thank god for good friends!
then, too, i think it's the idea of "a way out" , even if it's only in my mind.
somehow, a situation doesn't seem to be so desperate and unchangeable if you can see a way out of it, even if it's only an idea.
that is why Sun Tzu says never to push a desperate man to the wall; always give your enemy a graceful way out, so the intensity of the situation becomes instantly diffused. : )
*****
so i started early today with renewed energies. i woke up at 2am and tackled my paperwork with the intent of a prize bull going for the kill. i only stopped when it was time to wake up the kids and go to work my self.
i'm back home now and am resuming the momentum. just having managed to get something done so early, while the rest of the world was still asleep, was a major mood booster in itself, too.
'tis true what they say, when you hit rock bottom, take heart, as there's no other way to go but up again! : D
forever the irrepresible optimist, that's me. : )
you can't put a cheerful woman down, huh? not for long, anyway.
then, too, i think it's the idea of "a way out" , even if it's only in my mind.
somehow, a situation doesn't seem to be so desperate and unchangeable if you can see a way out of it, even if it's only an idea.
that is why Sun Tzu says never to push a desperate man to the wall; always give your enemy a graceful way out, so the intensity of the situation becomes instantly diffused. : )
*****
so i started early today with renewed energies. i woke up at 2am and tackled my paperwork with the intent of a prize bull going for the kill. i only stopped when it was time to wake up the kids and go to work my self.
i'm back home now and am resuming the momentum. just having managed to get something done so early, while the rest of the world was still asleep, was a major mood booster in itself, too.
'tis true what they say, when you hit rock bottom, take heart, as there's no other way to go but up again! : D
forever the irrepresible optimist, that's me. : )
you can't put a cheerful woman down, huh? not for long, anyway.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Burnout
this feeling of exhaustion ive been having since middle of last year must be deeper than i thought.
after only one day back at work, and with a generally cheery welcome from the people i work with and even no problems to attend to, i am back at home feeling weepy and weary.
tuesdays and thursdays im supposed to have no classes so i was planning on getting a lot of paperwork backlog done today from home. but, household needs and kids' needs and some administrative demands at work intervened all throughout the day, that by the end of the day, i didn't even get to sit down on my worktable at home, much less lift a single paper to work on. :(
by six in the evening, i was feeling frustrated and weary and weepy, with a migraine coming on. i lay in bed for a while, just hugging little Bea who was cuddling up to me, but crying silently even as i quickly wiped the tears back whenever Bea would look up to ask me a question.
finally, i decided to go out for a walk for a while, and enjoy some cool night breeze. Nature always recharges me, and it did.
it got me thinking though, about a friend i have, who lives in a white sand beach, alone and simply, and earning his keep as a diving instructor. for a while there, i envied his no-nonsense uncluttered life and wondered what thoughts must still consume one when one lives so simply and peacefully.
which gets me to thinking now one quite revolutionary thought for me and my kids-- why not take time off for a year and just live and enjoy each other? no work, no school, just stay at home and do what we like. for a year. let's see what we will learn from that and how we will become after that.
this christmas was a quiet christmas for the kids and i as we didnt go out of the house much. it actually pleasantly surprised me that they preferred staying at home with the playstation, with the pc on the net, or to work on their art and other personal projects, rather than go out to parties or to the mall. they actually BEGGED OFF from going out! : O
towards the end of the christmas vacation, Thea jolted me with a comment of hers which was also a thought i had already entertained secretly then: stop work and school for a year and live as we did this last christmas.
hmmm...
but then, there are logistical concerns. heehee. how will i feed ourselves with no income from my regular work for a year? some part of me is saying, oh it will come. you will be fed. trust the process. ... you've been here before, remember? besides, the kids would love it too, and thrive and grow so much from living so independently and following your bliss.
yeah right. heehee. i can just imagine the look on my father's and other people's faces when they know i deliberately pulled out my kids from school for a year just so we could chill out.
heehee.
although there's this little voice inside me gently nagging again, "well, why don't you look into the government's home schooling program now? they have that for moronic showbiz kid and teen stars, why not your kids?"
the idea is starting to look very tempting.
i'm on dangerous grounds but at least, im feeling better now.
when life really starts to get me down like right now, mind trips like these always save the day, at least.
yeah right. ... just mind trips huh?
:D
after only one day back at work, and with a generally cheery welcome from the people i work with and even no problems to attend to, i am back at home feeling weepy and weary.
tuesdays and thursdays im supposed to have no classes so i was planning on getting a lot of paperwork backlog done today from home. but, household needs and kids' needs and some administrative demands at work intervened all throughout the day, that by the end of the day, i didn't even get to sit down on my worktable at home, much less lift a single paper to work on. :(
by six in the evening, i was feeling frustrated and weary and weepy, with a migraine coming on. i lay in bed for a while, just hugging little Bea who was cuddling up to me, but crying silently even as i quickly wiped the tears back whenever Bea would look up to ask me a question.
finally, i decided to go out for a walk for a while, and enjoy some cool night breeze. Nature always recharges me, and it did.
it got me thinking though, about a friend i have, who lives in a white sand beach, alone and simply, and earning his keep as a diving instructor. for a while there, i envied his no-nonsense uncluttered life and wondered what thoughts must still consume one when one lives so simply and peacefully.
which gets me to thinking now one quite revolutionary thought for me and my kids-- why not take time off for a year and just live and enjoy each other? no work, no school, just stay at home and do what we like. for a year. let's see what we will learn from that and how we will become after that.
this christmas was a quiet christmas for the kids and i as we didnt go out of the house much. it actually pleasantly surprised me that they preferred staying at home with the playstation, with the pc on the net, or to work on their art and other personal projects, rather than go out to parties or to the mall. they actually BEGGED OFF from going out! : O
towards the end of the christmas vacation, Thea jolted me with a comment of hers which was also a thought i had already entertained secretly then: stop work and school for a year and live as we did this last christmas.
hmmm...
but then, there are logistical concerns. heehee. how will i feed ourselves with no income from my regular work for a year? some part of me is saying, oh it will come. you will be fed. trust the process. ... you've been here before, remember? besides, the kids would love it too, and thrive and grow so much from living so independently and following your bliss.
yeah right. heehee. i can just imagine the look on my father's and other people's faces when they know i deliberately pulled out my kids from school for a year just so we could chill out.
heehee.
although there's this little voice inside me gently nagging again, "well, why don't you look into the government's home schooling program now? they have that for moronic showbiz kid and teen stars, why not your kids?"
the idea is starting to look very tempting.
i'm on dangerous grounds but at least, im feeling better now.
when life really starts to get me down like right now, mind trips like these always save the day, at least.
yeah right. ... just mind trips huh?
:D
Monday, January 10, 2005
Conjuring
ive just finished Womanly Arts and the second to the last chapter talks about inviting abundance and the fulfillment of all of one's desires into one's life through the sheer power of desire and conjuring.
basically, the book talks about four main aspects of conjuring:
1. the expectation of pure pleasure, imagining enjoying one's desires as already fulfilled
2. treasuring one's self in all the ways one wants to be treasured, acknowledging and celebrating the good NOW in one's life, to create space for more good to come
3. sharing the good with others
4. constantly thanking God/Goddess/the Forces/powers that be for the bounty that has come and is coming
*****
and my eldest daughter, Thea, teases me with the message i keep in my cellphone's outbox, "is this like, what, ma, a quick checklist just in case you meet Him soon in the street or in the grocery aisles?"
"a good, trustworthy man with a good mind and a good heart, who is honest, loving and kind, takes good care of himself and is positive about life"
i smile shyly, but i forbid her from erasing the message anyway.
:)
basically, the book talks about four main aspects of conjuring:
1. the expectation of pure pleasure, imagining enjoying one's desires as already fulfilled
2. treasuring one's self in all the ways one wants to be treasured, acknowledging and celebrating the good NOW in one's life, to create space for more good to come
3. sharing the good with others
4. constantly thanking God/Goddess/the Forces/powers that be for the bounty that has come and is coming
*****
and my eldest daughter, Thea, teases me with the message i keep in my cellphone's outbox, "is this like, what, ma, a quick checklist just in case you meet Him soon in the street or in the grocery aisles?"
"a good, trustworthy man with a good mind and a good heart, who is honest, loving and kind, takes good care of himself and is positive about life"
i smile shyly, but i forbid her from erasing the message anyway.
:)
Fancy
he fancies himself
as the center of my world
and my dreams
when i tell him
i love him.
he fancies himself.
as the center of my world
and my dreams
when i tell him
i love him.
he fancies himself.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Begin With the End in Mind
tita melvi emails me about her responses to my blog, and sends me a write-up she did for all family and friends, about what she learned from Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. she reminds us of the first three principles-- be proactive, begin with the end in mind, and set your priorities.
hmmm. funny that i've been thinking about my end a lot these days. oooh no no no, not The End as in ending it all, but The End as in what am i doing here? what is the meaning of all that i do and am trying to do? where am i going? where do i want to go? that stuff.
and so, off the cuff, here is my picture of The End-- a product of many years of daydreaming and living and making mistakes and finding out what works for me and what doesn't, which has apparently come to a head and crystallized more clearly after a week of flu ... : )
***
i am in my eighties, a gorgeous globetrotting grandma who has lived much and loved well and has been equally loved as well in return. i live in a small cottage or a log cabin with a flower, vegetable and herb garden all around, in the middle of a vast expanse of greenery, near a forest AND a lake, with a pet cat named Destiny. i have lived happily, naughtily, passionately and always joyfully with the man i have loved for half my life-- he is my best friend, lover, partner in crime, soulmate, travelling companion, sparring partner all in one.
our children are all grown, living happy, authentic, enriching and meaningful lives of their own. we spend our days doing what we love to do most. i read, write, listen to music, tend my garden, make love to him every time i feel like it (which is every time). he reads too, writes if he is so inclined, listens to his own music, works on his pet projects, and cooks for us both (i am resigned to washing the dishes, after 40 years of trying to cook well!). from time to time, we argue heatedly and then we always make up passionately. we travel a lot, in nearby out of the way places within the country, and in far out out of the way places outside the country. we always have lots of laughs and fun, even when we're arguing. to us, the world is an amusement park not to be taken too seriously, and we thumb our noses up at its antics.
for the last 40 years of my life, i have lived and supported my self and my children and contributed to my life with my Love, earning from what i do best-- writing, speaking, research and consultancy and travelling. i have made and kept many friends all over the world, and have been enriched by their friendship, as i hope they have been enriched by mine.
we are not rich, but we are incredibly wealthy, surrounded by the people and things that give us most pleasure and growth. we have tried to live a moderate life, when it comes to managing our resources, and our moderation has paid off in the comfortable life we are able to afford now, even in our retirement. i still earn royalties from my books, while he from his investments.
my books have not only become popular bestsellers, they have also been critically acclaimed all over the world. people read, not because they are trendy, but because they find themselves in them again, and their lives are affirmed. my books live on long after i am gone.
one Christmas morning, our children and grandchildren find my Love and i, both naked in bed, arms embraced and legs lazily entangled around each other, with a look of peaceful bliss on our seemingly sleeping faces, after one last night of gloriously making passionate love with each other, before we passed on, together, to forever.
*****
The End. : )
... and now, my life begins!
hmmm. funny that i've been thinking about my end a lot these days. oooh no no no, not The End as in ending it all, but The End as in what am i doing here? what is the meaning of all that i do and am trying to do? where am i going? where do i want to go? that stuff.
and so, off the cuff, here is my picture of The End-- a product of many years of daydreaming and living and making mistakes and finding out what works for me and what doesn't, which has apparently come to a head and crystallized more clearly after a week of flu ... : )
***
i am in my eighties, a gorgeous globetrotting grandma who has lived much and loved well and has been equally loved as well in return. i live in a small cottage or a log cabin with a flower, vegetable and herb garden all around, in the middle of a vast expanse of greenery, near a forest AND a lake, with a pet cat named Destiny. i have lived happily, naughtily, passionately and always joyfully with the man i have loved for half my life-- he is my best friend, lover, partner in crime, soulmate, travelling companion, sparring partner all in one.
our children are all grown, living happy, authentic, enriching and meaningful lives of their own. we spend our days doing what we love to do most. i read, write, listen to music, tend my garden, make love to him every time i feel like it (which is every time). he reads too, writes if he is so inclined, listens to his own music, works on his pet projects, and cooks for us both (i am resigned to washing the dishes, after 40 years of trying to cook well!). from time to time, we argue heatedly and then we always make up passionately. we travel a lot, in nearby out of the way places within the country, and in far out out of the way places outside the country. we always have lots of laughs and fun, even when we're arguing. to us, the world is an amusement park not to be taken too seriously, and we thumb our noses up at its antics.
for the last 40 years of my life, i have lived and supported my self and my children and contributed to my life with my Love, earning from what i do best-- writing, speaking, research and consultancy and travelling. i have made and kept many friends all over the world, and have been enriched by their friendship, as i hope they have been enriched by mine.
we are not rich, but we are incredibly wealthy, surrounded by the people and things that give us most pleasure and growth. we have tried to live a moderate life, when it comes to managing our resources, and our moderation has paid off in the comfortable life we are able to afford now, even in our retirement. i still earn royalties from my books, while he from his investments.
my books have not only become popular bestsellers, they have also been critically acclaimed all over the world. people read, not because they are trendy, but because they find themselves in them again, and their lives are affirmed. my books live on long after i am gone.
one Christmas morning, our children and grandchildren find my Love and i, both naked in bed, arms embraced and legs lazily entangled around each other, with a look of peaceful bliss on our seemingly sleeping faces, after one last night of gloriously making passionate love with each other, before we passed on, together, to forever.
*****
The End. : )
... and now, my life begins!
Friday, January 07, 2005
Downtime
'been down with the flu for almost a week now.
it's nothing serious but i guess what takes me longer to get well again is because, even when im sick, i cannot just lock my self up in my room and let the world go hang.
as a single mother, i have to do everything for everybody in my world. so even while feeling really feverish and groggy, i have to wake up at 5am and wake the children, prepare them for school not just physically but psychologically by making waking up fun and with lots of hugs and kisses. the ex picks up the eldest but then i have to take the two younger ones to school. the little boy, because he wants me to bring him to school rather than his dad; the little girl, because her classes start later at 8.
then there are errands to do and household things to procure, even while im feeling nauseaous and dizzy. i try to make my self as comfortable as possible by still dressing up well and looking good with a little lipstick on... : )... and with my ever reliable "White Flower" Chinese menthol oil, which i sniff from time to time to keep me up.
i get home and try to rest in bed for a while. but then, feeling more weak when doing nothing, i get on the pc instead and do some work or chat with online friends, if they message me. by 10:30 a.m., i drive out again to fetch the two little ones from preschool. driving home, we pass by our usual ice cream man for our regular treat, and they tell me about their morning, or i try to keep my cheer and patience up even while they now start arguing in the car, or horseplaying even while im driving.
by noontime, it is more of the morning routine but then again, i have to go back to school by 3:30 to fetch the eldest.
when they're all finally at home at last, despite a raging fever and a killer headache, there's homework to do, and catching up on their day, and bonding time.
then, too, this week hasn't really been very upbeat. papa went for check ups again and his doctor warned us that his heart is barely beating at all, and any little stress or upset could make it totally stop beating altogether. he is only 66 but he looks so old and frail now. his anger and depression doesn't help either, blaming everybody else for his troubles. i try to stay away from the negativity but then also, i know he has little time left with us, so i keep going back to visit, ostensibly to get something from our old house, but actually to sit down with him for a while and just chat.
i'm making progress, though. when before he would launch his angry tirades again, i would either silently rage my self but clam up, or lash back in hurt and anger. now i am just patiently and lovingly tolerant. i learned not too long ago to protect my self from toxicity of all kinds, especially the psychic and emotional ones. i figured most of my depression were not caused by me, but by other people's depressing thoughts and words. being Pisces and all, i spent most of my life learning how NOT to be soo sensitive and impressionable, defining my boundaries assertively yet lovingly, and protecting them as well as i could.
bills pile up, like they always do. but ive learned to just take one due date at a time, and negotiate for the rest, or let time work for me because of other people's inefficiency anyway. : ) "there's more where that comes from, there's always more where that comes from. God (Goddess) will provide." and true enough, help always comes in some form or another. the Universe is a safe and loving place, if you only let yourself receive its gifts with trust and openness, that i've learned.
the first few months of the sep, when funds were really tight depending on my own income alone with the ex being belligerent about child support, and having to pay bills wracked up by the ex in my name, the children and i experienced hunger virtually stalking at our door. one time, i caught my then one-year-old little girl licking an ice cream cone-- on TV!!! she said she missed ice cream but since we couldn't go out to McDonald's or Jollibee anyway, she'll lick the one on TV for a while. that broke my heart. but she was matter of fact and even quite happy about it, that she figured out a way to solve her little problem.
there were days when payday was still 3-5 days away, and i didn't even have coins in my purse for fare to go to work or bring the children to school (we didn't have our own car then, as the ex took the family car). i would use up all my sick leaves, and declare a self-proclaimed holiday for the kids and i by telling their teachers we couldn't afford to go to school for some days, could we just take school work and assignments home and work on them from home? the teachers were very understanding and accommodating, thank God/Goddess for them!
the kids actually enjoyed these holidays. imagine being absent from school for some days every month! : D
but all in all, we learned: our happiness is separate from our having money or not having it. even with nothing in the purse, living a few days virtually in God's graces, just with enough food in the ref (fridge) to tide us till next payday-- we created our own little holidays and made the best of it. i decided early on that if there was anything i'd teach my children, it was that we were NOT poor, even if we didn't have a lot of money for a while. we might have no money right now for all the luxuries we wanted (well, even the needs), but we have what we most needed to survive, and our happiness is ours to create.
because we couldn't even go to the movies, they created their own scripts and sang and acted out for me instead. because i couldn't buy them toys, i allowed them to roam around our village and pick up twigs and whatnots and make their own toys out of these. because we couldn't go to the mall, i bought them cheap paper and crayons and clay instead. until today, when times are thankfully better, they appreciate most gifts of paper and crayons, even amidst other more expensive, mall-bought gifts.
thinking of your self as poor makes you act poor, as if you are less of a person. i didnt want my children to grow up like that.
one time, my eldest daughter, who was 5 years old then and in preschool, got into an argument with a classmate. her classmate was bragging about how they have these many cars and these many houses and about how they have travelled to disneyland so many times. and then she told my daughter, "you don't have what i have because you're poor!"
my daughter defiantly told her off (this is what her teacher told me): "i am not poor! poor is when you have no home and nobody loves you. so i am not poor!"
moments like these, i feel like Queen of the Universe! : D
***
so this brings me back to my downtime again. i tell people i have the flu and they all start acting solicitous around me, as if it's a misfortune.
i actually count this as a blessing.
i can leave work officially for a while, with pay, and just take care of my self and my kids. i can sleep and read and write and eat whatever i want, whenever i want. or i can take my long walks around the village and just reflect and contemplate. or i can chat more often with my good friends. while the world busily zooms by willy and nilly, i am smelling the roses.
of course, i feel not so well physically. so i just rest more, and drink water more. i don't even buy meds for flu anymore, just letting my body heal at its own pace.
but inside, an inner brook sings as it is being renewed. i learn to live through life's vicissitudes with grace, even as i keep stoking my fires. what more can i ask for? : D
nothing can touch my joy now.
it's nothing serious but i guess what takes me longer to get well again is because, even when im sick, i cannot just lock my self up in my room and let the world go hang.
as a single mother, i have to do everything for everybody in my world. so even while feeling really feverish and groggy, i have to wake up at 5am and wake the children, prepare them for school not just physically but psychologically by making waking up fun and with lots of hugs and kisses. the ex picks up the eldest but then i have to take the two younger ones to school. the little boy, because he wants me to bring him to school rather than his dad; the little girl, because her classes start later at 8.
then there are errands to do and household things to procure, even while im feeling nauseaous and dizzy. i try to make my self as comfortable as possible by still dressing up well and looking good with a little lipstick on... : )... and with my ever reliable "White Flower" Chinese menthol oil, which i sniff from time to time to keep me up.
i get home and try to rest in bed for a while. but then, feeling more weak when doing nothing, i get on the pc instead and do some work or chat with online friends, if they message me. by 10:30 a.m., i drive out again to fetch the two little ones from preschool. driving home, we pass by our usual ice cream man for our regular treat, and they tell me about their morning, or i try to keep my cheer and patience up even while they now start arguing in the car, or horseplaying even while im driving.
by noontime, it is more of the morning routine but then again, i have to go back to school by 3:30 to fetch the eldest.
when they're all finally at home at last, despite a raging fever and a killer headache, there's homework to do, and catching up on their day, and bonding time.
then, too, this week hasn't really been very upbeat. papa went for check ups again and his doctor warned us that his heart is barely beating at all, and any little stress or upset could make it totally stop beating altogether. he is only 66 but he looks so old and frail now. his anger and depression doesn't help either, blaming everybody else for his troubles. i try to stay away from the negativity but then also, i know he has little time left with us, so i keep going back to visit, ostensibly to get something from our old house, but actually to sit down with him for a while and just chat.
i'm making progress, though. when before he would launch his angry tirades again, i would either silently rage my self but clam up, or lash back in hurt and anger. now i am just patiently and lovingly tolerant. i learned not too long ago to protect my self from toxicity of all kinds, especially the psychic and emotional ones. i figured most of my depression were not caused by me, but by other people's depressing thoughts and words. being Pisces and all, i spent most of my life learning how NOT to be soo sensitive and impressionable, defining my boundaries assertively yet lovingly, and protecting them as well as i could.
bills pile up, like they always do. but ive learned to just take one due date at a time, and negotiate for the rest, or let time work for me because of other people's inefficiency anyway. : ) "there's more where that comes from, there's always more where that comes from. God (Goddess) will provide." and true enough, help always comes in some form or another. the Universe is a safe and loving place, if you only let yourself receive its gifts with trust and openness, that i've learned.
the first few months of the sep, when funds were really tight depending on my own income alone with the ex being belligerent about child support, and having to pay bills wracked up by the ex in my name, the children and i experienced hunger virtually stalking at our door. one time, i caught my then one-year-old little girl licking an ice cream cone-- on TV!!! she said she missed ice cream but since we couldn't go out to McDonald's or Jollibee anyway, she'll lick the one on TV for a while. that broke my heart. but she was matter of fact and even quite happy about it, that she figured out a way to solve her little problem.
there were days when payday was still 3-5 days away, and i didn't even have coins in my purse for fare to go to work or bring the children to school (we didn't have our own car then, as the ex took the family car). i would use up all my sick leaves, and declare a self-proclaimed holiday for the kids and i by telling their teachers we couldn't afford to go to school for some days, could we just take school work and assignments home and work on them from home? the teachers were very understanding and accommodating, thank God/Goddess for them!
the kids actually enjoyed these holidays. imagine being absent from school for some days every month! : D
but all in all, we learned: our happiness is separate from our having money or not having it. even with nothing in the purse, living a few days virtually in God's graces, just with enough food in the ref (fridge) to tide us till next payday-- we created our own little holidays and made the best of it. i decided early on that if there was anything i'd teach my children, it was that we were NOT poor, even if we didn't have a lot of money for a while. we might have no money right now for all the luxuries we wanted (well, even the needs), but we have what we most needed to survive, and our happiness is ours to create.
because we couldn't even go to the movies, they created their own scripts and sang and acted out for me instead. because i couldn't buy them toys, i allowed them to roam around our village and pick up twigs and whatnots and make their own toys out of these. because we couldn't go to the mall, i bought them cheap paper and crayons and clay instead. until today, when times are thankfully better, they appreciate most gifts of paper and crayons, even amidst other more expensive, mall-bought gifts.
thinking of your self as poor makes you act poor, as if you are less of a person. i didnt want my children to grow up like that.
one time, my eldest daughter, who was 5 years old then and in preschool, got into an argument with a classmate. her classmate was bragging about how they have these many cars and these many houses and about how they have travelled to disneyland so many times. and then she told my daughter, "you don't have what i have because you're poor!"
my daughter defiantly told her off (this is what her teacher told me): "i am not poor! poor is when you have no home and nobody loves you. so i am not poor!"
moments like these, i feel like Queen of the Universe! : D
***
so this brings me back to my downtime again. i tell people i have the flu and they all start acting solicitous around me, as if it's a misfortune.
i actually count this as a blessing.
i can leave work officially for a while, with pay, and just take care of my self and my kids. i can sleep and read and write and eat whatever i want, whenever i want. or i can take my long walks around the village and just reflect and contemplate. or i can chat more often with my good friends. while the world busily zooms by willy and nilly, i am smelling the roses.
of course, i feel not so well physically. so i just rest more, and drink water more. i don't even buy meds for flu anymore, just letting my body heal at its own pace.
but inside, an inner brook sings as it is being renewed. i learn to live through life's vicissitudes with grace, even as i keep stoking my fires. what more can i ask for? : D
nothing can touch my joy now.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Goodbye, Hello
the resignation letter i submitted last monday was accepted graciously, thank god! i just have to finish the schoolyear and was even asked for my recommendees to the position i am vacating.
i welcome going back to the independent life of a full time faculty, responsible only to my students and my self, being able to go to the library more to read, and not to make administrative requests, reclaiming my time and my space back, for inner work, for pleasure work, following my passions and interests. i have been taking care of 400 students and varied faculty for soo long, it's a new exciting feeling thinking i can go back to just taking care of my self again! : D oh blessed me!!!
like cleaning out a closet to let go of old clothes and shoes one no longer uses, and to clear out space for newer better clothes and shoes that fit the person one has evolved into, i am clearing out space in my life now for my deepest pleasures: books and writing and learning and free, independent time with people, and my children, and films and music and good coffee, good conversation, good friends, good loving!!!
and to top it all-- this aligns perfectly with my after-age-40 goals, too: an independent life working and earning from home doing what i love to do best and travelling and exploring the world!!!
i'm on my way, world. : )
this has been a long time coming.
i welcome going back to the independent life of a full time faculty, responsible only to my students and my self, being able to go to the library more to read, and not to make administrative requests, reclaiming my time and my space back, for inner work, for pleasure work, following my passions and interests. i have been taking care of 400 students and varied faculty for soo long, it's a new exciting feeling thinking i can go back to just taking care of my self again! : D oh blessed me!!!
like cleaning out a closet to let go of old clothes and shoes one no longer uses, and to clear out space for newer better clothes and shoes that fit the person one has evolved into, i am clearing out space in my life now for my deepest pleasures: books and writing and learning and free, independent time with people, and my children, and films and music and good coffee, good conversation, good friends, good loving!!!
and to top it all-- this aligns perfectly with my after-age-40 goals, too: an independent life working and earning from home doing what i love to do best and travelling and exploring the world!!!
i'm on my way, world. : )
this has been a long time coming.
Saturday, January 01, 2005
New Year's Resolution
i am hungry.
therefore--
i will eat.
but i don't want to eat
fastfood
snatched on the run,
digested without even tasting,
excreted without a thought.
i want to eat
a fine dining feast
lingered over with attention and care,
savored down to the last lick,
enjoyed long after it's over.
therefore--
i will eat.
but i don't want to eat
fastfood
snatched on the run,
digested without even tasting,
excreted without a thought.
i want to eat
a fine dining feast
lingered over with attention and care,
savored down to the last lick,
enjoyed long after it's over.
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