Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Burnout

this feeling of exhaustion ive been having since middle of last year must be deeper than i thought.

after only one day back at work, and with a generally cheery welcome from the people i work with and even no problems to attend to, i am back at home feeling weepy and weary.

tuesdays and thursdays im supposed to have no classes so i was planning on getting a lot of paperwork backlog done today from home. but, household needs and kids' needs and some administrative demands at work intervened all throughout the day, that by the end of the day, i didn't even get to sit down on my worktable at home, much less lift a single paper to work on. :(

by six in the evening, i was feeling frustrated and weary and weepy, with a migraine coming on. i lay in bed for a while, just hugging little Bea who was cuddling up to me, but crying silently even as i quickly wiped the tears back whenever Bea would look up to ask me a question.

finally, i decided to go out for a walk for a while, and enjoy some cool night breeze. Nature always recharges me, and it did.

it got me thinking though, about a friend i have, who lives in a white sand beach, alone and simply, and earning his keep as a diving instructor. for a while there, i envied his no-nonsense uncluttered life and wondered what thoughts must still consume one when one lives so simply and peacefully.

which gets me to thinking now one quite revolutionary thought for me and my kids-- why not take time off for a year and just live and enjoy each other? no work, no school, just stay at home and do what we like. for a year. let's see what we will learn from that and how we will become after that.

this christmas was a quiet christmas for the kids and i as we didnt go out of the house much. it actually pleasantly surprised me that they preferred staying at home with the playstation, with the pc on the net, or to work on their art and other personal projects, rather than go out to parties or to the mall. they actually BEGGED OFF from going out! : O

towards the end of the christmas vacation, Thea jolted me with a comment of hers which was also a thought i had already entertained secretly then: stop work and school for a year and live as we did this last christmas.

hmmm...

but then, there are logistical concerns. heehee. how will i feed ourselves with no income from my regular work for a year? some part of me is saying, oh it will come. you will be fed. trust the process. ... you've been here before, remember? besides, the kids would love it too, and thrive and grow so much from living so independently and following your bliss.

yeah right. heehee. i can just imagine the look on my father's and other people's faces when they know i deliberately pulled out my kids from school for a year just so we could chill out.

heehee.

although there's this little voice inside me gently nagging again, "well, why don't you look into the government's home schooling program now? they have that for moronic showbiz kid and teen stars, why not your kids?"

the idea is starting to look very tempting.

i'm on dangerous grounds but at least, im feeling better now.

when life really starts to get me down like right now, mind trips like these always save the day, at least.

yeah right. ... just mind trips huh?

:D
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